Permanent claims from a man. How to make my own claims to my husband, without destroying the family harmony
A lot of things, in your opinion, the husband does wrong, and it offends you.
Usually in women in these cases there are two behaviors:
1 option
The wife is silent and tolerates in the hope that her husband guess and correct himself. Fatigue and irritation in this case accumulates, and the husband from yesterday still a loved one turns into a hated pest.
Option 2
Husband hears constant reproaches and accusations of improper behavior. Indications on the not made, not nailed, not cleaned. Screams, resentment. With such a strategy, the husband begins to defend himself, later coming home, blame. After all, the best defense is an attack!
Both strategies are by no means helpful and strengthening love in the family. But if they are not effective, why apply them?
How to fix the situation?
Let's try an effective way to speak and seek not quarrels, but the changes you need.
Stop silent and snap into yourself sad thoughts that you do not like. The woman is so arranged that if it does not say that it worries her, then "Fly will turn into an elephant."Irritation has the property to accumulate, and the emotional breakdown or illness as a result can not be avoided.
When talking, use the "I-Messages" technique instead of charges in the form of "you messages" and scream. Here universal circuit out of 4 steps:
1. "I, I"
In this part, you need to accurately and adequately express your feelings and emotions about the situation or a deed. For example:
"I'm upset", "I'm worried", "I am upset", "I'm worried", "I am unpleasant", "I don't like it," "I'm angry" ...
2. Actions description - cashlessly and without transition to personality. Easier to start with the words
"when". For example:
"When late", "when not listening to my opinion" ...
3. The cause of the negative reaction - It is usually easier to start with words "because". For example:
"Because I do not know the reason for the late", "because I have to do the same thing," because I have little time on ... "...
4. Final part of "I-Messages" - comcompromising solution in this situation, the changes you want. For example:
"I would really like the next time ..."
So compare. Instead "You're late again!" Try to say: "I worry when late, because I do not know the reason for being late. I would really like you to call me if you can't come on time. " What statement will be more efficient?
What happens when applying "i-message"? Man instead of protection itself begins to think about your experiences and feelings, and after what time it will really become important for him. After some time, he will begin to do the way you ask.
In order to apply the "i-message" scheme, it is necessary to practice. Write down the situations in which you most often start to blame your husband and put in advance, as you will react.
And about the left socks, dirty mugs and lids from toothpaste, I want to say separately. Ask myself a question: "What is more important - love and peace in the family or properly folded objects?"
Remember that male pride is very vulnerable, you should not constantly poke your nose in socks and mugs.
Claims in relations
What do claims in relationships? What if there is a claim?
No good complaints lead to anything, it certainly. And if you say seriously, the claims are not always justified, but their statement, and not competent leads to devastation, destruction of relations and dissatisfaction with life.
The claim is the behavior of a person who expresses dissatisfaction with either human behavior, or some aspect of a person or a situation. Claim is always an accusation of deceived hopes, in not fulfilled plans, deceived dreams. Claims are usually taken where the person had expectations.
The man is so arranged that if he has big expectations, or relationships are tied, then people show their best parties, and they are trying not to mention the problematic parties.
In relations, the claims are more in women than men, and in work more claims there are men to employers, or to some kind of work on work, business. If we take the relationship of men and women, then girls or women tend to seduce, invent the prince for themselves, invent the qualities that there are no people in the person. The woman drew, and then begins to live with them and understands that not everything is so cloudless and wonderful how she came up with him, and now he does not know what to do with his fantasies.
Either there is another case when our women adults or younger girls love to play the game "I reite you." I have such an impression that they choose themselves in husbands or in boyfriend such that the material could be disassembled and then contemplate again. But they do not take into account the little detail that not all the material disassembled that he is also angry and even if you figure it out, he may not work again, because it either does not want, or the gene pool will not go anywhere, or he has it in Plans were not included. Therefore, it turns out that the story about "I re-educate you" turns into a constant struggle and discontent.
As a reason for complaints - "I lost pink glasses and see all the reality, I myself deceived myself, or I thought I could change you, but I did not teach the fact that people do not change, and you are not going to change." In this, the essence of the claims, when allegedly someone deceived someone. In fact, people are deceiving themselves.
What is the complaint express? How do we express our dissatisfaction with someone or behavior?
Some may realize that they rather colorfully express their discontent! This is expressed in how the tone the woman speaks with her husband, or with that man who fell under her discontent. This is expressed, including how raised an eyebrow, like a crewing look, a look full of contempt.
The words from which the statement of the claim begins is "yes you are forever", "yes you all the time", "I thought so ...", etc.
The claim may be expressed in words, and in how these words are filed and how these words are said.
Dissatisfaction is dangerous in that if you look at the root of discontent between a man and a woman, why a person in general allowed himself to think about you, to think about the situation, why he did not bother this situation to disassemble well, to analyze, feel, decompose on the shelves, why he allowed himself to deceive or Defeated himself, why he thought he would redone, "as a rule, this root will lead us to the relationship of a woman with their parents, and men with their own.
And what will we find there? And we find a similar pretentious attitude of the parents to each other, and parents towards the child. A child, born in a particular family, chooses a lottery ticket, someone comes across jack-sweat, rides like cheese in oil, the main thing is that it was for him for good, and someone is a prize of moderate magnitude, and someone Solid crossings and not there.
Very often parents put a child in such a situation when that shouldor must do what they say. Must know To be like my parents came up with him. The child should not chat them, the child should not be similar to "hated mother-in-law / mother-in-law, dad husband / wife", the child should be like a hot loving parent, otherwise the parent "Error" in the head, and in general, "where did you come from ? ", And" Why do I need me if you don't look like me? "," You are generally who, you are why I wanted a toy, I wanted to continue myself! "
Therefore, a person with complaints faces very often, he faces them from the cradle. Moreover, some guys already a one-year-old child manage to pour claims, accusing an accident or something else. Then the child grows in an adult, and the unrealized need for normal contact with parents remains. Girls whose problems with the fathers are constantly looking for a father's substitute for themselves. They marry guys, because those are strong, because they are caring, gifts gave, which dad never did. Girls are married to such guys, because their nursery, the wounded part of the soul fell a little, darked, and the girl thinks that he meets all my desires, "and then it turns out that this part is already quenched, there are already very different tasks. And she understands that this person is not at all suitable for these tasks, that he is some kind of infantile, a walk, simply does not connect with its values \u200b\u200bof the soul. And there are a lot of questions, one of which - "Why did I get married for you?" And you married it to compensate for a lack of relationships with your father.
Or find "substitutes" of Dad for 10-20 years older, and then surprised why life is not going with this "dad". And all because he fulfilled his father's task. It is found in those who had a replacement motive or compensate for some lack of wounded childhood, and the likelihood of claims in a relationship to man is much higher.
It also applies to guys if they did not have contact with his father, or the mother was always pretentious, or ill, or some other, the boy is also looking for a spouse based on the same behavior: to compensate something, continue to be a mamienekin son , the desire to relax from the mother's claims, and it goes on the same spouse and everything continues. This is a whole separate topic about how we get married and get married, as we make a choice in relationships. We will also talk about it in articles and courses.
If we talk about complaints about discontent, then I can say that it is very often discontent talking about disappointment, or a desire to remake, or some need to compensate for. Claims is enough "terrible" thing. And the "terrible" thing, because it destroys a lot. It destroys because the claim is rather a derogatory-mechanical design that causes the person to which they treat, lose their importance, value, its significance towards another person. It is also of the zone of application.
You again did not carry garbage! You always do not endure the garbage! How much can you talk about it!
- And you ask me, if I want to endure the garbage, or under what conditions I will endure the garbage, how to make me remembering this garbage. That is, you really want me to endure the garbage? Well, yes, this is the trash to you across life worth it. Or once and forever agree that you endure the garbage, and I bring money to the house!
The situation of claims is always from the desire to blame and express your "fi", instead of talk, clarify, create a certain space of dialogue, understanding, figure out, to be in the essence.Therefore, the claim destroys the significance of a person when you make a complaint, you make a certain attack on the person of a person, on his status, on his respect, that is, you will level its significance. You encroach on some peace, on the adequacy of a person.
The second point, the claim is always expressed from the prerequisite that the person you speak is simply either some kind of behavior, or something else. Claim is always the position "I must all" or "Specifically, I must really".
I repeat once again, the claim is always about the mechanics, always not about the understanding and nature of relationship, it is always about some kind of action or about use. It is always some kind of mechanical moment that may indicate that you are already in a person already and do not see a person, you see a robot or a multi-way car that is obliged to do both, and preferably, with a smile, Preferably fun and at any time of the day.
Based on the voiced logic, you can ask the following two questions:
1. How do you be when you felt a heavy hand of claims on your throat?
2. How do you stop yourself if you suddenly understand that you generate a claim?
Let's start with myself. To stop yourself when you start to express the claim, it is very important to behave consciously, to realize, What do you say and how you say. If your intonation has begun to be aggressive, or a plaintive, or punishing, if you started to use the words "need", "should", "offended", then if you want to disseminate a person in the fluff and prachi, it hurts him, you need to ask yourself a question " I want to continue it further or want to stop? " In order to stop, it is enough to make a pensive look, to do inhale and stop.
If you are a woman playfully to say "Oh, something went to me, what I was comfortable," and if a man, you can say, "Sorry, what I walked around, something does not suit me and I need to think about it." This is an example, how to stop yourself.
The first is to realize it, the second is to take and stop. In this case, you can use the form, pronouncing your feelings and actions. I think that people will understand you, moreover, they can learn from you, they will see that it is beautiful and really worthy. And it is honest and carefully, especially if you are in contact, in the process of the process you can stop. As a rule, people cannot stop themselves, and they prefer to finish until the end, just not to lose face, just to not seem weak.
Criticism, claims and discontent
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Remove the first log in your eyes, and then you will see how to remove your brother's eye.
Gospel from Matthew
Criticism is an assessment and identification of deficiencies of anything, this is a negative judgment of someone. Criticism is one of the derivatives from pride.
People who constantly criticize someone or scold, want others to match their ideas about the world and morality, about life. They think their opinion is the right one. But they are mistaken. Such people just forget or do not know that they live only in their own world. And their critical thoughts, they express disagreement with the world of another person. On a thin subconscious or energy level, they attack other people, and therefore other worlds.
Claims can be submitted to anyone: close to the government, to their past, to fate, to God. These thoughts launch a program for the destruction of what they are directed. Accordingly, the response program of self-destruction is launched in your subconscious.
But tell me who gave them such right to intervene in someone else's life, in someone else's world?
Displeased, claims to the surrounding world can lead to serious illnesses.
It is known that those who have a tendency to criticism often sore joints and throat. Rheumatism is a disease of people who constantly express claims and discontent, criticize themselves and others. This is the fact that such people are adamant, tough in their judgments and do not accept someone else's opinion. The sense of own importance is inflated to incredible sizes.
At the reception, my man is sits with a very serious disease. In the course of our conversation, he repeatedly scolds the government, laws. In his words and voice - irritation, anger and anger. And the cause of his disease is the same emotions.
This is how people defend themselves with foam at the mouth of their wretched models of the world, criticizing and swearing all. Thus, they create diseases, problems in life, but many even in the face of death do not want to abandon their long-standing principles. In someone else, the eye is noted, and in their ... Can I change something with the help of complaints and discontent? "Remove the first log from your eye, and then you will see how to remove your brother's eye."
Criticism, like any other behavior, has its own positive intentions. When we criticize some person, we want it to be better to change his behavior. When we criticize the state, then we want it to be perfect. Our intentions are beautiful.
The intentions are good, but are there any ways to implement them?
First, you live in your unique world, but also the world of another person is also unique. Trying to change another person, you literally attack it in the information and energy level. Expressing his discontent with his behavior, you attack him. In fact, your aggression you destroy other worlds in the energy level. And aggression causes response aggression.
Consider an example. If something does not suit you in another person (for example, the behavior of the wife / husband), then you strive to change the situation. Express your disagreement and discontent, criticize, that is, trying to influence this person. At the subconscious level, aggression is born. The attack begins, attack. Another person is forced to defend himself - emerging response aggression.
Woman whose husband drinks, without his knowledge, mixes in his drink or food potion. At the same time, no one disassembles the causes of alcoholism. Moreover, the woman herself does not want to take responsibility for his life, that is, she does not want to figure out how his behavior she attracted such a man in his life. Thus, frank violence over the world of another person is performed. And then she is wondering why her husband beats her.
Another example. The girl falls in love with a man. It comes to the grandmother, and she gives her a plot of "love" or "cherished herb" to be perfected by the beloved. She reads a conspiracy several times, makes other witchcraft rites and "gets" a beloved man. But time passes, and life becomes unbearable with him. And then this girl can not establish a personal life. And all because initially this woman made violence over the world of another person, which means nothing good will receive. These all things are so obvious that I am surprised how so far some use love spells, aligning, damage. After all, sooner or later it is returned to diseases, misfortunes, suffering.
Secondly, we ourselves create our own world, and therefore, we attract certain people and situations into our lives. What are we have the right to criticize others? If you do not like something in the other, then look inside yourself - you have behavior. After all, this attracts like that. The external situation is the reflection of our beliefs, our thoughts. Therefore, expressing disagreement with someone, you go against yourself.
If you want to change the other person without changing yourself, then you will not work. Do not seek to change your neighbor. But if you are not satisfied with something in it, then look for the reason.
Everything is very simple. Expressing dissatisfaction with the outside world (and the world around us is your world), you are expressing discontent about yourself. Guiding aggression on the world around us, you send aggression on yourself, thereby launching the mechanism of self-destruction.
If you want to change the other person, start with yourself.
Change your behavior, and then this person will be forced to react to you in a new way. If you want the state or the world in which you live, be perfect, then stop criticizing them and express discontent. As you understand, it will not lead to anything good, but rather, on the contrary. If you criticize someone, do not wait for nothing good from him.
And in this case, also start with yourself. Create a space of love, harmony around yourself. By changing your world, your personal little state, its own system of thinking, you will make a positive contribution to the general model, in the whole universe. After all, you are part of the whole.
How to get rid of such devastating behavior?
Take responsibility! Your world is in your hands. It is stupid and useless, and even dangerously accuse and scold someone. Start with yourself. Change your thoughts and your behavior - and the world will change. New thoughts will create new situations.
Learn to take! Take other people, other worlds, systems, models. Be flexible in your thinking and behavior. Consider all points of view. After all, not only your world is unique, but also the world of another person is unique too. All go to one goal. Only everyone has his own way.
Respect others! So the world is arranged that any person who meets you in life brings some important and valuable information for you, revelation. Only people often because of their pride do not notice this. Be careful and sensitive! Showing disrespect for others, you do not respect yourself.
Learn to respect the people with whom you live and work; The political system, the laws and the very state in which you live.
Remember - the world of another person, his feelings are sacred and inviolable. Never try to change other people. Respect for the world around the world - the guarantee of your well-being!
Learn to approve and praise! The strive to notice in people only good, positive, useful. Remember that in each person there are any qualities. And if your thoughts are clean, then people will show you their best sides.
Admire! Admire people surrounding the world. Remember that not only you are unique, but other people are also unique.
In this regard, I remembered the conversation with one of my patient. She had problems with the boss. He forever criticized her, expressed her discontent with her work, loaded extra work, detained the salary.
I asked her how she belonged to him now.
I can't endure him, "the woman replied.
And how did you come to this?
He immediately began to treat me badly, and then even worse.
And when did you first find out that he is "bad"? I asked her. - Maybe it was before communicating with him?
Well yes. When I came to my work for the first time, one employee, which I knew, began to talk about how terrible the boss. And I somehow believed to her somehow.
That is, you have formed an opinion about him even before you saw him? I asked her.
Of course, the patient agreed. - Do you want to say that this I myself created his negative attitude towards me?
That's it.
Perhaps the doctor, you are right. We have one employee who consists with him in excellent relations. When we asked her how she succeeds, she answered us what she likes as a man and leader. We then laughed at her, because he is small, plump and bald. This is not my ideal man.
Here you are and start from today to look for wonderful qualities in it. I am confident that there are a lot of them. They are in every person. Start to love him and respect. Appreciate it as a leader and man. When communicating with employees, always approve it and be sure to show them, for which you approve it. In no case do not be hypocritical at the same time. Speak everything from a pure heart.
A month later, we met her again. Changes at work were amazing: excellent relations with the head and staff, raising the salary, a new position.
"It seems to me that you need to lose weight!", "Learn to cook!", "I just infect your series!", "Yes, throw these girlfriends!" - The man speaks. Infinite claims from the satellite of life: how to perceive them - to go about and change or defend the right to your "line"? Comments Our readers give a psychologist Olga Mshanskaya.
Very often we dream to "fit" your chosen one's own ideal, "the specialist believes. - Therefore, we demand a person to change and meet our standards. Oddly enough, most of all a variety of complaints are expressed by men, not women: for the latter, at home, most often do not play the roles such things like the appearance of a man or his interests ... Since the woman chose this man, it means that it is satisfied with her. The "score" is presented by other reasons: a man earns a little, does not help in the house, hesitate, finally, changes ... A similar thing is the claims of men in relation to women.
According to Olga Mshanskaya, representatives of the strong floor most often before the start of living together or at least close relations idealize their companions. And then gradually begin to discover the flaws that are considered necessary to correct. What declare about. Most of the "shortcomings" are associated with the appearance of a woman. The man seems that his lady of the heart is not sufficient enough, it does not know how to dress, too vulgarly made up or, on the contrary, too little uses cosmetics, she does not have that hairstyle and so on ...
May come to extremes, "says a psychologist. - There are men who, sitting at the table, are trying to limit his wife in a meal so that she "did not stretch"; Sut the scandal due to the "wrong" outfit or makeup; can send their choices to the hairdresser or manicure-pedicure; Buy her underwear, which they themselves consider "sexy" ... There is a category of men who tend to criticize the lifestyle of a woman.
So, they can be convinced that she needs to get up at six o'clock in the morning and go on a jog; eating vegetarian food, because they themselves are vegetarians; Read serious books, not detectives or ladies' novels; sit at home with a child, and not go to work; Stop relationships with girlfriends. What to do if a man says: "Become such as I want!" - Some women really seek to change to please man. Others refuse to do it, which often leads to parting, "says Olga Mshanskaya.
But these are two extremes. First of all, take criticism to your address, advises a specialist. We will reflect how fundamentally for you is to change or not. If you realized that a man is right and you really follow something to change in your life, because it causes problems, that is the point of listening to your partner. For example, you yourself understand that your weight is "excavating", and here he also said ...
Then there is a reason to sit on a diet or start studying on simulators ... The bombs makes a claim for your cooking? Why don't you really learn to cook - because you do it not only for yourself, but for him? If you, for example, adore meat, and he truncates the benefits of eating raw vegetables and germinated cereals, and insists that you also eat with him, then tell me: "This is your personal business - how and what you eat.
And I do not like it. Therefore, you want or not, everything will remain in the old way. "So insists that you get quitted with your favorite work and set up at home? Explain that this work is one of the meanings of your life, and without it you will not consider yourself a full-fledged person ... He does not like your girlfriends and is it in an ultimate form demands that you stop communicating with them?
Promise that you will not invite them home, since it annoys it so much, but it's not entitled to ban it, in principle, it is not entitled ... - One of the most important factors for building relationships - the ability to negotiate, "says psychologist Olga Mshanskaya. - No one has the right to demand from another thing that will make it unhappy ... Try to discuss with a partner that you are ready to change in yourself, but what is not. If a person refuses to go to the dialogue, and the claims grow as a snowball, it is unlikely that you can talk about love and respect. Therefore, in such a situation, it is better to think about parting.