Difficult child: what to do with children who do not obey. Difficult child - what to do for parents

Difficult children are an eternal headache for parents and teachers. 99% of moms and dads face child disobedience one way or another. And no matter how paradoxical it may seem, in most cases, the bad behavior of children can be defeated, first of all, by fundamentally revising the behavioral reactions of the parents themselves!

Most often, parents begin to complain to doctors and teachers that the child has become disobedient, "got out of hand" and behaves badly, at the moment when this child has "been knocked" for 5-7 years and has already managed with his antics and tantrums " bake "all their relatives - both close and distant. But the methods of upbringing that help to raise an adequate and obedient child, you need to start practicing much earlier - as soon as the baby is one year old. Moreover, these techniques, in essence, are nothing at all ...

The main law of pedagogy of all times and peoples: a small bird does not control a flock

Perhaps the majority of child psychologists and educators around the world, no matter what concepts of upbringing they promote, agree in one opinion: a child in a family should always take the place of a subordinate (follower), and not a subordinate (leader).

The main law of pedagogy says: a small bird cannot control a flock. In other words: a child cannot subdue (with the help of his cries, hysterics and whims) the will of adults. Otherwise, this obvious and terrible assumption on the part of parents and other household members can harm the whole family in the future, causing significant damage to the psyche of the child himself.

However, parents should understand that "submission to the will of adults" is not violence against the personality of the baby or the constant compulsion of his will to the wishes of adult family members. No! But a child must understand from a very young age that all decisions in the family are made by the parents, and that any prohibition must be obeyed unquestioningly - primarily because it ensures the safety of the child himself.

As soon as this family law is turned upside down and the child's voice becomes dominant in the family (in other words: adults “dance to the tune” of the little one) - at this very moment a naughty child appears in the family ...

Where Do Difficult Children Come From?

Before learning how to deal with children's whims and tantrums, it is worth finding out how and when generally cute crumbs turn into "difficult" naughty children. In fact, the behavior of the child in the family (as well as the behavioral reactions of the cub in the flock) primarily and closely depend on the behavior of adults. There are several typical and most common situations when children-"angels" turn into "monsters", sitting on their parents' necks. Children become moody, disobedient, and hysterical when:

• 1 There are no pedagogical principles in the family. For example: a parent communicates with a child solely against the background of his own mood - today dad is kind and allowed to watch cartoons until midnight, tomorrow dad is out of sorts and already at 21:00 drove the child to sleep.
• 2 When the pedagogical principles of adult family members differ dramatically. For example: to a child's request to watch cartoons after 21 pm, dad says "no way," and mom gives the go-ahead. It is important that parents (and preferably all other household members) are united in their positions.
• 3 When parents or other household members are "led" by children's whims and tantrums. Young children build their behavior on the level of instincts and conditioned reflexes, which they catch instantly. If a baby with the help of hysteria, yelling and crying can get from adults what he wants, he will use this technique always and as long as it works. And only when the screams and tantrums cease to lead him to the desired result, the child will finally stop yelling.

Please note that children are never naughty, do not shout, do not cry or throw tantrums in front of the TV, furniture, toys or a completely stranger. No matter how small the child is, he always clearly distinguishes - who reacts to his "concert", and whose nerves it is useless to "shake" with the help of a scandal and a scandal. If you "give slack" and give in to children's whims - you will live with them side by side all the time while the child shares one space with you.

How to stop childish tantrums: one or two!

Most parents believe that turning a “difficult”, rebellious and hysterical child into an “angel” is akin to a miracle. But in reality, this pedagogical "maneuver" is not at all difficult, but requires special moral efforts, endurance and will from the parents. And it's worth it! Moreover, the sooner you start practicing this technique, the more calm and obedient your child will grow up. So:

Old scheme (most parents usually do this): as soon as your baby burst into crying and screaming, stamping his feet and hitting his head on the floor - you “flew up” to him and were ready to do anything to calm him down. Including - agreed to fulfill his desire. In a word, you behaved according to the principle "I will do anything, as long as the child does not cry ...".

New scheme (this should be done by those who want to "re-educate" a naughty child): as soon as the baby began to scream and "make trouble", you calmly smile at him and leave the room. But the child needs to know that you continue to hear him. And while he is shouting, you do not return to his field of vision. But as soon as (even for a second!) The child stopped yelling and crying, you again return to him with a smile, demonstrating all your parental tenderness and love. Seeing you, the baby will start yelling again - you just calmly leave the room again. And again return to him with hugs, a smile and all your parental adoration exactly at the moment when he stops yelling again.

However, feel the difference: it is one thing if a baby bumps, something hurts, he is offended by other children, or a neighbor's dog scares him ... In this case, his crying and screaming is completely normal and understandable - the baby needs your support and protection. But rushing to console, hugging and kissing a child who just threw a tantrum, who is capricious and tries to get his way with tears and screams is a completely different matter.
In this case, the parents must be adamant and not succumb to "provocations".

Thus, sooner or a little later, the child will "figure out" (at the level of reflexes): when he is hysterical, he is left alone, he is not listened to or obeyed. But as soon as he stops shouting and "scandalizing" - they return to him again, they love him and are ready to listen to him.

A well-known popular children's doctor, Dr. E. O. Komarovsky: “As a rule, it takes 2-3 days for a child to form a persistent reflex“ When I yell, nobody needs me, and when I am silent, everyone loves me ”. If the parents hold out for this time, they will get an obedient baby, if not, they will continue to face childish tantrums, whims and disobedience. "

The magic word "No": who needs bans and why

No parenting is possible without prohibitions. And the behavior of the child depends to a greater extent on how correctly you use prohibitive words (such as "no", "no", etc.). The so-called “difficult” children are most often found in families in which adults pronounce the prohibitions “no, you must not” either too often (with or without reason), or do not pronounce them at all - that is, the child grows up in a regime of complete permissiveness.

Meanwhile, parents should correctly and as carefully as possible use prohibitions when raising children. First of all, because the safety of the child himself and his environment often depends on this.

The child's safety depends first of all on how adequately (and therefore - quickly and systemically) the child reacts to the prohibition. If the baby is rolling on a scooter, carried away by the process, and immediately stops in front of a stream of cars, clearly and obediently responding to his mother's cry "Stop, no further!" - it will save his life. And if a child is not accustomed to react "ironically" to prohibitions, you will not be able to save him from an accident: without reacting to "no", he will climb into the fire with his hands, jump out onto the roadway, overturn a pot of boiling water on himself, etc.

In a certain sense, the forbidden word "No" has a protective property for the baby. Your parental task is to teach your child to instantly respond to a signal and obediently follow it.

Precisely because prohibitions play such an important role in the upbringing of obedient children, parents must be able to use them correctly. There are several rules that will help them with this:

• 1 It is necessary to use the very word “not” rarely and only on business (most often - either if the prohibition concerns the safety of the child and other people, or in order to comply with the generally accepted social norm - you cannot throw garbage anywhere, you cannot call names and fight, etc. .NS.)
• 2 The child must clearly understand that if something is forbidden to him, this prohibition always applies. For example: if a child has a severe allergy to milk protein and is not allowed ice cream, then even if he brings 15 "fives" from school at once, ice cream will still not be allowed.
• 3 Bans like “no” or “no” are never discussed. Of course, parents should explain to the kid in the most detailed and intelligible way why they forbid him this or that, but the very fact of the ban should never become a subject of discussion.
• 4 It is unacceptable that the positions of parents on the subject of any prohibition diverge. For example, dad said "no", and mom - "okay, you can just once";
• 5 Any "no" must be observed everywhere: in Africa after 5 years - it will also be "no". To a greater extent, this rule applies not even to children and parents, but to more distant relatives - grandparents, aunts and uncles, and so on. Often, after all, such a situation happens: for example, you cannot eat sweets at home after 17 in the evening (it spoils your teeth), but at your grandmother's vacation you can as much and whenever you want ... There is nothing good in the fact that in different places the child lives in different ways rules.

If all else fails

In 99% of cases of bad behavior in children, this problem is purely pedagogical. As soon as the parents begin to correctly build their relationship with the baby (learn to adequately use prohibitions and stop responding to children's cries and tears), the child's whims and tantrums will come to naught ...

Doctor E. O. Komarovsky: “If parents behave correctly and unbendingly, consistently and in principle, if they keep the spirit in front of children's whims and tantrums and their willpower is enough not to give up, then any, even the most powerful and noisy , the child's tantrums will pass one hundred percent and literally in a few days. Mom and Dad, remember: if a child does not achieve his goal with the help of tantrums, he just stops yelling. "

But if you do everything correctly, do not react to whims and tantrums, strictly follow the aforementioned rules, and have not achieved the effect - and the baby still screams loudly, demanding his own, and continues to hysteria - with a high degree of probability you need to show such a child specialists (neurologist, psychologist, etc.), because the reason in this case may not be pedagogical, but medical.

The most important principles of parenting

The topic of child education is immense, multifaceted, multi-layered and generally difficult for ordinary people to perceive. Tons of smart parenting books are published annually, but just like a hundred years ago, most parents now and then find themselves faced with the problems associated with disobedience of their children. And these parents, when solving problems, need some kind of support, some basic principles that they should be guided by. These principles include:

• 1 Always praise your child generously when he is doing the right thing. Alas, most parents "sin" by taking the baby's good deeds for granted, and the bad ones as out of the ordinary. In fact, the child is still only building his behavioral reactions and models, for him often there are no assessments of "good" and "bad", and he is guided by the assessment of people close to him. Praise and reward his obedience and good behavior, and he will happily try to do exactly what you approve as often as possible.
• 2 If the baby is capricious and does not behave correctly - do not judge the child as a person! And judge only his behavior at a particular moment. For example: let's say the boy Petya behaves badly on the playground - he pushes, offends other children and takes scoops and buckets from them. Adults are tempted to scold Petya: "You are a bad boy, you are a mean and greedy!" This is an example of condemning Petya as a person. If such promises become systemic, at some point Petya will really turn into a bad boy. Scold Petya correctly: “Why are you behaving so badly? Why do you push and hurt others? Only bad guys hurt others, but you're a good boy! And if you behave like a bad person today, I will have to punish you ... ”. So the child will understand that he himself is good, he is loved and respected, but his behavior today is wrong ...
• 3 Always take your child's age and development into account.
• 4 The demands you make on your child should be reasonable.
• 5 Punishments for misconduct should be consistent in time (you cannot deprive a three-year-old kid of evening cartoons for spitting porridge in the morning - a small child will not be able to understand the misdemeanor-punishment connection).
• 6 When punishing a child, you yourself must be calm.

Any psychologist will confirm to you: every interlocutor, including a child (no matter how small he is), hears you much better when you do not shout, but speak calmly.

• 7 When talking with a child (especially in situations where he does not obey, is capricious, hysterical, and you are irritated and angry), always focus on your tone and manner of speaking - would you like to be talked to you in this way?
• 8 You should always be sure that your child understands you.
• 9 Personal example always works much better than telling you how to do the right thing or not. In other words, the principle: "Doing as I do" brings up a child many times more effectively than the principle "Do as I say." Be an example for your kids, remember that consciously or not, but in many ways they are your copy.
• 10 As a parent, as an adult, you must always be ready to rethink your decisions. This is especially true for parents of children 10 and older, when the child is already able to enter into discussions, give arguments and arguments, etc. He must understand that the decision is always yours, but that you are ready to listen to him and under certain circumstances you can change your decisions in favor of the child.
• 11 Strive to convey to the child what the result of his actions will be (especially if he does the wrong thing). If the baby throws toys out of the crib, do not pick them up, and the baby will quickly learn that as a result of this behavior, he loses his toys. With older children and in more serious situations, you can simply say what will happen if the baby does this and that ...

Raising an obedient and adequate child is not as difficult as it might seem at first glance. Parents only need to analyze and control their own behavioral reactions - to be a worthy example for the child, not to "follow the lead" of children's tantrums and whims, willingly talk with the child, calmly explaining to him certain decisions.

Probably, every parent was faced with the disobedience of their own children. There are many reasons for children's tantrums. Difficult child - what should parents do ...

But parents have no idea how to cope with the constant whims and disobedience of their own children. But it is worth noting that there are reasons for a child's disobedience. Therefore, parents should still look at the behavior of their children.

Is it necessary to punish a kid for disobedience ...

Parents punish their own children for disobedience. But this is not worth doing. The child closes in himself. He will have complexes for life.

Therefore, before you punish the baby, think about whether punishment is needed for the child. You should not choose those punishments that relate to food. Otherwise, in adulthood, the child will develop gluttony or anorexia.

Psychologists advise using punishment after 3 years. The kid already understands wonderfully. It is forbidden to punish children with violence. Otherwise, the baby will grow up resentful of life and of the people around him.

Reasons for disobedience in children.

Disobedience is inextricably linked to the development and growth of a toddler. The child is interested in the world around him and the baby is afraid to miss the changes, so the baby will look into dangerous places. When the parent forbids, the child begins to disobey and becomes hysterical.

In this case, parents, be patient, but in no case punish the baby. It is important to prohibit and explain the causal relationship, why it cannot be done.

The child will get used to the explanation of the parents and, as a result, will not be capricious. The kid will simply learn the causal relationship.

Difficult child - what to do for parents. Reasons for disobedience of a two-year-old baby.

2 years is a difficult period for both the child and the parents. Two-year-olds have already learned the skills of walking and running. Therefore, you cannot catch up with the children and you cannot catch them.

Parents should not be rude to their child. The kid will understand the parents and will behave even worse. Otherwise, obscene words will go into the child's vocabulary.

Parents are prohibited from hitting their children. There are no ways in pedagogy where parenting violence is accepted.

Parents, explain causation to your children. Thanks to this, the child will develop the correct logic, as well as sound reasoning about the current situation.

Explain unfamiliar objects to your baby. The child sees some objects for the first time. Therefore, he does not know how to use it. And then there's parental prohibitions. Therefore, the child has tantrums and whims.

Parents should remember that a child from birth is a developing personality. Therefore, it is worth taking a childish character and individual characteristics.

Psychologists believe that disobedience is an expression of one's own opinion.

Why does a seven-year-old child have disobedience ...

The age of seven is a transitional age in childhood. At the age of seven, every child goes to school. New roles appear in society. Obligations fall on the child. The child learns new things. And therefore, the child develops frequent disobedience.

It is difficult for a kid to get used to waking up early. Help your own child. You need to look after the child, discuss school problems, talk about interests and hobbies. Do not think that the "baby" is already an adult. At seven years old, children need parental care and love.

Spend as much time as possible with your own child. Parents simply have to make a day plan for the child. This will make it easier for your child to get used to the school routine.

A first grader often does not want to do his homework, so he is capricious and does not listen to mom and dad. In this case, analyze the schedule of the day. Sometimes the child actually gets tired and therefore does not want to do his homework.

It is worth considering that right after school, do not force your child not to do homework. At school, the child sits every day, listens carefully and learns new material.

The children's nervous system is overstrained and, therefore, after school, the child refuses to do his homework.

It is customary to blame disobedient children, and even more so children who have "got out of hand". They are looking for malice, vicious genes, etc. In fact, the number of “difficult” children is usually not the “worst”, but especially sensitive and vulnerable. They "go off the rails" under the influence of life's pressures and difficulties, reacting to them much earlier and more strongly than children who are more resilient.

Hence it follows that A “difficult” child needs only help - and in no case criticism or punishment.

The reasons for the child's persistent disobedience should be sought in the depths of his psyche. It seems on the surface that he “simply does not obey,” “he simply does not want to understand,” but in fact the reason is different. And, as a rule, it is emotional, not rational. Moreover, it is not recognized by either the adult or the child himself.

Psychologists have identified four main causes of serious behavioral disorders in children.

The first one is struggle for attention. If a child does not receive the necessary amount of attention, which he needs so much for normal development and emotional well-being, then he finds a way to get it - disobedience. Adults pour out remarks. This is not to say that this is very pleasant, but the attention is still received. Better than none.

The second reason - struggle for self-affirmation against excessive parental authority and guardianship. The famous requirement "I myself" of a two-year-old baby persists throughout childhood, especially aggravated by adolescents. Children are very sensitive to the infringement of this desire. But it becomes especially difficult for them when communicating with them, mainly in the form of instructions, remarks and fears. Adults believe that this is how they instill in children the right habits, teach them order, prevent mistakes, and generally educate them.

This is necessary, but the whole question is HOW to do it. If comments and advice are too frequent, orders and criticism are too harsh, and fears are too exaggerated, then the child begins to rebel. The teacher is confronted with stubbornness, self-will, actions in spite of. The meaning of such behavior for a child is to defend the right to decide his own affairs, and, in general, to show that he is a person. And it doesn't matter that his decision is sometimes not very successful, even erroneous. But it is its own, and this is the main thing!

The third reason is desire for revenge. Children are often offended by adults. The reasons can be very different: the teacher is more attentive to the excellent students, the parents are more attentive to the younger, the parents' divorce, the child was excommunicated from the family (put in the hospital, sent to the grandmother), the parents constantly quarrel, the teacher constantly makes unfair remarks, etc.

There are many isolated reasons for offense: an unfulfilled promise, a sharp remark, an unfair punishment.

And again, in the depths of his soul, the child experiences and even suffers, but on the surface there are all the same protests, disobedience, and academic failure. The meaning of “bad” behavior in this case can be expressed as follows: “You did me badly - let it be bad for you too. "

Finally, the fourth reason is loss of faith in their own success. It may happen that a child experiences his unhappiness in one area of ​​his life, and his failures arise in a completely different one. For example, a boy may not have a relationship in the classroom, and the result will be neglected studies; otherwise, school failure may lead to defiant behavior at home, and so on.

This "displacement of unhappiness" occurs due to the child's low self-esteem. Having accumulated a bitter experience of failure and criticism, he, in general, loses confidence in himself. He comes to the conclusion: "There is nothing to try, all the same it will not work." This is in the soul, and by his external behavior he shows: "I don't care", "And even if it is bad", "And I will be bad!" See Forming adequate self-esteem in a child.

Agree that the aspirations of difficult children are quite positive and natural and express a natural need for warmth and attention, the need for recognition and respect for his personality, a sense of justice, a desire for success. The trouble with "difficult" children is that, firstly, they suffer acutely from the failure to meet these needs and, secondly, from attempts to fill this shortage in ways that do not fill anything.

Why are they so "unreasonable"? Because don't know how to do it differently! And therefore, any serious violation of the child's behavior is signal for help. By his behavior, he tells us: “I feel bad! Help me!"

The task of understanding the reason, at first glance, is not an easy one. After all, different reasons appear outwardly in the same way. For example, poor academic performance can be associated with a desire to attract attention, and with an unwillingness to obey someone else's will, and with attempts to "repay" parents, and with a loss of faith in oneself. Still, it is quite easy to identify the true cause of bad behavior, although the method may seem quite strange - you need to pay attention to your own feelings.

Look, note what emotional reaction you yourself have when you repeatedly disobey the child. This reaction is different for different reasons. Here is such an amazing fact that the experiences of adults are a kind of mirror of the latent emotional problem of the child.

If a child is fighting for Attention, every now and then annoying with their antics, then we have irritation.

If the background is confrontation will educator, then the latter has anger.

If the hidden reason is revenge, then we have a reciprocal feeling - resentment.

Finally, when the child deeply experiences his ill-being we are at the mercy of feeling hopelessness, and sometimes despair.

As we can see, the feelings are different, and it is quite possible to understand which one is right for a particular case. What to do next?

The first and general answer to it is this - try not to react in the usual way, that is, as the child already expects from you. The fact is that in such cases, a vicious circle is formed. The more the adult is dissatisfied, the more the child becomes convinced that his efforts have reached the goal, and he renews them with renewed energy. This means that our task is to stop reacting in the same ways and thereby break the vicious circle.

Of course, this is not easy to do. Emotions cannot be ordered, they turn on almost automatically, especially when the conflicts are old, "with experience." And yet you can change the nature of communication! You can stop, if not an emotion, then at least everything that follows it: remarks and punitive actions. If at the next moment you manage to understand exactly what you felt, then it will not be difficult to unravel the child's problem: with what, against what or from what he "fought". And after that it is much easier to move from the position of influence, correction to the position of help, interaction. The help in each case, of course, will be different.

If there is a battle for attention, you need to find a way to show your child your positive attention to him. It is best to do this in relatively calm moments, when no one is annoying anyone and no one is angry with anyone. For example, it can be joint activities, games, walks, well-deserved praise, etc. It is worth trying, and you will see, feel how grateful the child will respond. See>

As for his usual "antics", it is best to ignore them. After a while, the child will discover that they do not work, and the need for them, thanks to your positive attention, will disappear.

God forbid ignore this child altogether. In this case, an antisocial person will be formed in his behavior.

If the source of conflicts is the struggle for self-affirmation, then, on the contrary, control over the affairs of the child should be reduced. We have already said how important it is for children to accumulate experience of their own decisions and even failures. During the transition period in your relationship, refrain from making demands that, in your experience, he probably won't meet. On the contrary, what can be called the "adjustment method" helps a lot - you do not dispute the decision he came to, but agree with him about the details and conditions of its implementation. But most of all, understanding that the stubbornness and self-will of a child is just a form of prayer that annoys you: “Let me finally live my mind” will help you get rid of unnecessary pressure and diktat. Remember that living someone else's life is a thankless task. See>

If you are feeling hurt, then you need to ask yourself: What made the child hurt you? What kind of pain does he have? What have you offended or do you constantly offend him? Having understood the reason, we must, of course, try to eliminate it. See>

The most difficult situation is in a desperate adult and a child (teenager) who has lost faith in his abilities. Reasonable behavior of the educator in this case is to stop demanding "relying" behavior. It is worth "resetting" your expectations and claims to zero. Surely a child can do something and is even very capable of something. But for now, you have it as it is. Find the task level available to him. This is your starting point from which you can begin to move forward. Do something with him together, he himself cannot get out of the impasse. At the same time, no criticism should be allowed against him!

Look for any reason to encourage him, celebrate any, even the smallest, success. Try to insure him, save him from major failures. You will notice and feel that the first successes will inspire your child. See>

Remember that it’s futile to wait for your efforts to establish peace and discipline in the family or in the classroom to succeed on the first day. The path is long and difficult, it will require a lot of patience from you. You've probably noticed that the main effort should be directed at being aware of your negative emotions (irritation, anger, resentment, despair) and switch them to constructive actions. Yes, in a sense you will have to change yourself. But this is the only way of education.

And the last thing is very important to know. In the beginning, the first time you try to improve the relationship, the child may intensify his bad behavior! He may not immediately believe in the sincerity of your intentions and will check them. So we will have to endure this serious test.

Difficult children are considered to have unfavorable character traits that significantly impede their social adaptation and development. A nervous baby is also considered a difficult child, who is characterized by excessive excitability, irritability, poor sleep, tearfulness and impressionability. Nervousness also implies neuropathy and neurosis, psychosomatic ill-being, that is, diseases of the internal organs caused by painful experiences, are also referred to it. However, not every difficult child becomes such because of innate nervousness.

From a psychological point of view, a nervous, very difficult child is born as such, rather than becomes due to improper upbringing or a difficult life situation. Whereas a difficult child who does not have problems with nervousness is more likely to become such because of mistakes in upbringing than to be born as such.

There are many forms of childhood nervousness, as well as the reasons why it occurs. Neuropathologists and psychiatrists seek help in the same way as parents with children who have nervousness, and parents of children with a complex character. In both cases, the upbringing of a child is significantly complicated, which is why parents cannot cope with them on their own and turn to specialists for help.

Problem child: reasons

Often, a child is already born nervous or difficult. This happens because two genetic codes are found in a fertilized egg, including both complex genetic lines of ancestors and information about the health or diseases of the parents. In the fertilized egg itself, both the abilities, capabilities, talents, inclinations and the norm of the child's development, as well as deviations from it and congenital pathologies, are formed.

Intrauterine development of the fetus can be both successful, and even with a negative genetic predisposition, positively affect the formation of the baby's personality, and defective, due to which an initially normally developing fetus is eventually born as a difficult child. Childbirth also has an impact, because it can be normal, or it can be pathological, that is, it can occur with various complications that leave their imprint on the development of the newborn.

The upbringing of any child requires common sense from the parents and an individual approach, and the upbringing of a very difficult child also requires the constant solution of many specific individual problems, as well as special knowledge.

The list of potential reasons why a child may be difficult to be born or become difficult includes:

Inadequacy of the fetus or reproductive organs of a woman;

Complicated pregnancy or childbirth;

Extremely high demands placed on the child by the parents;

Too harsh upbringing, constant restrictions or prohibitions emanating from the parents;

Emotional imbalance of parents or their tendency to addictions (alcoholism, drug addiction);

Unfavorable family atmosphere;

Death of one or both parents;

Prolonged maternal postpartum depression.

Difficult child: consequences

A difficult child is a decrease in performance, exhausting fatigue, bad mood, sleepless nights, as well as nervousness and depression in parents. Often, the first-born, who turns out to be a difficult child, becomes the only one in the family, since the parents are simply afraid of the appearance of another baby of the same kind in the family. Constant problems that arise during the period of active growth and development of such a child cause in parents either anxious love, or complete rejection, unconscious aggression and rejection towards him. Both the first and the second aggravate an already difficult situation, and the baby eventually turns into a very difficult child.

Nowadays, a difficult child is the most common reason why even the most durable marriages break. This happens because his upbringing becomes a source of constant quarrels and discord in the family, parents often blame each other, thereby making life in the family unbearable.

Without qualified help and a unified approach to upbringing, a difficult child is already in a potential risk zone, because over time he turns into a difficult teenager, and then into an unbalanced person prone to delinquency, alcohol and drug abuse.

How to influence a difficult child?

So, the appearance of a difficult child in a family requires a lot of effort and patience from parents, a correct approach to upbringing and qualified assistance.

First, despite the child's obstinacy and stubbornness, parents should not think, let alone say out loud, that the child is not worthy of their love. The manifestation of obvious negative emotions or aggression on the part of the parents will harm an already difficult child. It is very important to let the baby understand that, despite all the misconduct or impudent behavior, the parents love him very much.

Secondly, it is impossible to belittle the dignity and pride of the child. Constant criticism from parents can lead to open hostility, he will take a defensive position and in every possible way resist the attempts of mom or dad to come to an agreement.

Thirdly, the manifestation of love for a difficult child in no way means that everything is permissible for such a child. Parents should clearly distinguish in the mind of the child what is allowed to do, and what behavior strictly leads to punishment and censure. It is very important to maintain objectivity, not to punish the child for no reason and not to put pressure on him.

There is a little trick that can pacify even the most obstinate difficult child, whose age is 8-12 years old. The child needs to be explained that if they disobey, the parents will be forced to control his every step and treat him like a five-year-old.

Often times, bad behavior for a child is the only way to express their worries and anxieties, or it can be an attempt to overcome the stressful situation that has happened. This is especially true for children who find themselves in foster families. A difficult adoptive child can be very tough and unbearable, thereby protecting himself from the outside world and showing his feelings. The death of parents or long-term living in a shelter is a great stress for the child. Orphans often “withdraw into themselves”, do not obey any rules and resist any manifestation of care. It is difficult for such a child to trust new people and believe that they really want to take care of him. It is very important for the parents of a foster child to regularly show sensitivity, tact, care and tenderness, only in this way the ice will gradually break and the child will learn to trust the world around him.

Being a parent of a difficult child is not an easy task, but often the reasons for the abnormal behavior of such children lie in the parents themselves. It is very important to understand why the child behaves in one way or another, not to despair and, above all, to see in his child an ally, not an enemy.

Difficult child- not a congenital personality defect, but the result of improper upbringing. In other words, it is the adults who, through their ill-considered actions, formed antisocial behavior in children, are responsible for this.

What kind of children are called “difficult”?

those who have difficulty communicating with peers and adults

• children with inappropriate expressions of emotion: too violent or, on the contrary, too apathetic
• weak-willed, with deficiencies in volitional qualities, undisciplined, etc.
• with delays in mental and mental development

Naturally, the usual approach applied to children with no behavioral problems will not work here: difficult child needs special attention and understanding from adults. To effectively interact with him, you need good contact and awareness of his needs.

How does a difficult character develop in a child?

Psychologists have long noticed that "difficult children" did not receive the main thing in early childhood - sincere love and attention of adults. Even those of them who were born and raised in outwardly prosperous families, were well dressed and well fed, had expensive toys, lacking communication with their parents, grew up harsh, impulsive, rude, quarrelsome, distrustful of others.

In adolescence, it is the children of this "category" who are more likely than others to run away from home, join "bad companies", and get registered in the children's room of the police. After a while, a return to a normal value system for some of them becomes almost impossible.

Often, the starting point in the emergence of difficulties in the character of a child is betrayal or the death of a loved one. I was told a story about how, after the death of his beloved grandfather, a 12-year-old boy not only lost his hair on his head because of nervousness, but became unbearably impudent, quickly ruined relations with friends and teachers, and began to study worse. It turned out that in this difficult period for himself, he found himself alone with his grief, because his mother was arranging a personal life after a divorce from the boy's father.

Thus, the difficult character is the result of the unmet needs of the child. It is very important for adults to feel what their baby wants. Children from an early age require different levels of attention, the amount of time spent with their parents. Even in a common family, one child can sit for hours in the arena, having fun with toys, and the other will not sit for 15 minutes, because he needs a mother next to him for a comfortable attitude. By equating the needs of the second to the needs of the first baby, parents are already making a mistake: a child who needs more attention will begin to form a stable feeling of uselessness. Following this, resentment, irritation and other "difficulties" of character will appear.

How to communicate with a special child?

Difficult, or better call them special, children require a more creative approach: it is not so easy to find a key to their heart. Experts advise:

• Do not talk to the child in an orderly tone, because he will perceive any instruction as pressure. Try to talk to him and lead him to make the right decision on his own.
• Remember that special children, like no one else, need positive emotions. What do you like about the character of the child? Use his personality strengths to give him praise and encouragement more often. Don't focus on negative qualities. Encourage you to show your best character traits. Behavior will soon begin to change for the better.
• Remain calm and kind, don't get frustrated and don't be too strict. The child will not immediately rebuild, many actions will be given to him with difficulty, at least at first. Be patient
• Over time, many special children develop a complex: in the children's collective they are most often declared to be the culprits of accidents, even if they were not the instigators. Do not continue this vicious practice: show your child that you believe in him.
• Avoid Corporal Punishment: Be Wise and Flexible
• Do not threaten the child: this will only increase the confrontation. By speaking to him in a tone of prohibition and threat, you will provoke his disobedience. Try to negotiate
• Treat not only the child's anger, but also try to understand the reasons for it to help him cope with negative emotions in the future.

And experts also emphasize that it is necessary even mentally to stop using the words "bad", "difficult", "stubborn" in relation to the child and change them to "special", "stubborn", "independent". The problem for many parents is their own stereotypes and limitations. If you look at things from a broader perspective, there will be much more ways to resolve issues of upbringing.

How to communicate and work with difficult children?

Many adolescents in periods of rebellion and youthful maximalism are called difficult children. This term is not entirely correct, because teenagers often have such uneasy behavior of a temporary nature, everything is explained by a riot of hormones that force young people to react very sharply to the surrounding reality. However, if the family has a difficult child, this manifests itself much earlier. Problems with raising such children become urgent at a very early age. How to live with a difficult child without harming someone's psyche?

First, let's define the terminology. Toddlers and older children, whose personality, according to experts, needs correction, are called difficult children in psychology. This is by no means a diagnosis or a verdict. Such a definition should be considered as a personality trait, especially since the manifestations of "difficulty" can be very different. In some children, it turns into excessive anxiety and aggressiveness. Others develop a strategy of disobedience to spite their parents. In others, it can even be expressed in destructive behavior, and often completely unconscious.

The reason for this peculiarity of the child's personality lies, sadly, in the very family where he grows up. That is why people from orphanages are often called difficult children. After all, the environment in which they grow up contributes to the incorrect formation of the psyche, habits and behavior. However, sometimes such a child can grow up in a complete, seemingly prosperous family. The reason why children become “difficult” is the microclimate. Perhaps the family practices quarrels between parents, assault, tense atmosphere. Or, perhaps, the desires and needs of the child for some reason remain unheard of by his father and mother.

Then "difficult" behavior is a way to get attention. And a very small percentage of children are considered as such because of congenital or acquired problems with the nervous system. However, even with such a personality trait, a baby can grow up as a developed and integrated person into society.

What is the work with difficult children on the part of the parents?

First, if you want to change the status quo, start by finding the cause and fixing it, or at least mitigating it. As soon as the child ceases to be under the constant influence of pressure due to conflicts in the family, he will be able to reconsider his behavior and independently learn to behave correctly. Second, do not scold children. Don't do too many inhibitions. A conniving strategy for a child is fruitful if everything is within reason. That is, actions that knowingly endanger the life and health of the child should be limited.

However, not a simple prohibition, but a detailed and calm explanation of why this should not be done. And leave disobedience and whims as it is. At first the child will be surprised at this permission to do everything. And then, when he gets used to the fact that he is not limited by prohibitions, firstly, those actions that are performed in spite of parental requirements will disappear, and secondly, it will be possible to proceed to the second step of education.

The second step is communication with difficult children. That is, you need to talk with any child. Difficult children require much more communication. They need to pronounce every situation in which they behaved incorrectly. And at the same time, you need to talk about it in such a way as not to slip into accusing the baby of what he did. We must talk about the consequences of his act and about his negative impact on the world around him. Then the child will be able to understand that his actions have caused someone or something pain, trouble and inconvenience, but the guilt complex will not work. Well, the most important thing that is needed when dealing with difficult children is patience and boundless love on the part of parents.

Difficult teenager: building relationships

All parents say they weren't. I wonder where, in that case, did yesterday's difficult teenagers go, who defended their "concepts" of life, rebelled against control, staged demonstrations, ended up in the police, stole and swore? Someone has matured and forgot what he was. Someone remembers, but does not want to confess. Some were less fortunate.

He does not come to sleep or comes drunk.

She can leave in the morning with a friend for a couple of hours, and return in three days. She is ashamed, but after a month everything repeats ...

She dresses provocatively and talks to me as if I ruined her life ...

He demands all the best from us in such a tone that my husband and I sometimes think that he hates us, and buying gadgets can somehow justify life with us ...

It's unbearable. We do everything, and they ...

The period of puberty, adolescence, difficult age - this time (earlier from 13 years old, now closer to 11 years old) is associated by everyone with quarrels and unpleasant situations, spoiled relationships and first relationships, punishments and forbidden pleasures. On the one hand, those around them have difficulties with adolescents. On the other hand, adolescents themselves have no less problems with everyone around them, ranging from simple misunderstanding to refusal to follow other people's "orders." It turns out that absolutely everyone has difficulties during this period, and everyone wants it to end as soon as possible.

Indeed, “difficulties” sometimes mean different things. For some families, this is a decline in academic performance, for others, it is more difficult, up to drugs or leaving home. Everyone has their own "pain threshold", but the general feeling is the feeling of hopelessness.

And all the parents say they weren't. I wonder where yesterday's difficult teenagers, who painted for school, drank alcoholic beverages at the disco, went to? Who, protesting or adhering to the newfangled trend, did not wash, did not cut their hair? Who defended their "concepts" of life, rebelled against the system, control, staged demonstrations, ended up in the police, tried drugs, stole and swore with a three-story hard-to-reproduce obscenity?

Someone has matured and forgot what he was. Someone remembers, but does not want to confess, realizing how many troubles and worries he brought to his family. Some were less fortunate - they paid with their freedom or even their lives.

The characteristics of difficult adolescents of all times and peoples are the same and are repeated from generation to generation. Our problem teenagers, like us, like our once "difficult" parents:

• uncontrollable;
• obstinate;
• rude;
• dangerous (for themselves and others);
• desperate;
• are free;
• purposeful;
• believe in the Truth infinitely (Truth can change once a week).

And if the signs do not change with generations, then the content is very different. Rather, the degree and method of manifestation of these signs. It must be admitted that today's "difficult" teenager has little in common with his colleague from the 90s.

1. Higher speed. The speed of life in general has increased. “In 1986, we received as much information every day as could fit in forty newspapers; now it’s 174 publications a day,” says Martin Gilbert, who studies the issue. And he warns that this is only the beginning of the information age.

But not only the speed and volume of information have increased - the entire cycle of information load on a person has increased. To avoid overloading information, you need to be able to filter, but in fact no one teaches this. As a consequence, overload can turn into getting stuck on one thing or into a complete stop, that is, a refusal to perceive anything at all.

2. Blurred boundaries. The boundaries between countries, cultures, theories, “bad” and “good” have become blurred. Everything strives for integration, combination, combination. Look how many books, articles, trainings are now on the topic of expanding your own capabilities or the boundaries of what is possible. Now, unlike the regulated 90s, the choice of borders is no longer held by the opinion of society and the state. Today, this is a choice of each individual, and it can be made based on their own desires, as well as on an erroneous opinion, "false knowledge."

3. Today's children are different on the inside. Their mental and physiological processes occur at a greater speed, as if adjusting to the flow of accelerated life. Children grow up faster, develop faster. They learn everything much earlier and more. If earlier it was possible to somehow track the moment when it was possible to start talking about "this", now children begin to talk about it before the parents have the idea of ​​the possibility of such a conversation.

4. Other possibilities. Modern technologies cannot even be compared with the 90s. Today's young geniuses trade in hacking files of national importance from the comfort of their own homes. Download a term paper or a control, the essay used to be nowhere - now it's just a click of the mouse. The variety of subcultures has increased by an order of magnitude. Access to information about them is simple. The format of online communication makes it possible to influence the opinion, decisions of a teenager with the speed of information transfer, and not the frequency of meetings, as before. And in this case, parents lose to technologies both in the format of information transfer and in terms of speed, that is, the impact as such.

The question of choosing from a multitude of possibilities is extraordinarily difficult for an adult, let alone an unformed adolescent personality. If before the choice was between a blue or a red pencil case, today it is a choice of a million options. And if we add an uncontrollable storm of hormonal processes to mental processes, we get a charge of a nuclear scale. The teenager can either explode, or try to organize everything inside himself. Help can come from outside. These can be parents, or they can be the same as him (hence the craving for belonging to any direction).

Why are parents rarely the ones a teen turns to for help or advice? I knew a girl, 18 years old, who was afraid to tell her mother that she was going on a date with a boyfriend. She has a clearly formed pattern that her mother will not approve, will condemn, hint at immorality, early age, etc. Mom was surprised when she found out about such thoughts of her daughter. But my daughter learned her "lesson" well as a teenager, and there was no signal from her mother that something had changed.

Dinosaur Tips

What should parents do during this difficult period of growing up their child?

1. Get interested. Sincerity cannot be faked, children feel false and then no longer make contact. Be sincerely interested in the affairs of your child, why he was carried away by this particular topic, what was interesting for himself in this. Ask to explain this to the curious "dinosaur", that is, to you. Perhaps, with a closer study of a certain direction, you yourself will be interested in it. And your child's thoughts, tastes, preferences (which change regularly) can be better understood and tracked. Also, you will see if the interest with attributes has simply turned into a dangerous addiction. But for this you must at least be allowed there.
2. Make friends. Imagine that your child is telling his friend about what happened at school today. Now remember what he tells you, and if he tells you at all. How do you ask? What did you get? How are you? Your child's friends, of course, do not ask him that way, but at the same time in communication with them he still mentions that "Toad" put 7, and boasts that they did not notice how he cheated on algebra, and he got 11. If a teenager I am sure that his actions will not be accepted, condemned, the story will be immediately commented on and everything will end with moralizing, then after several such "How are you?" he will simply answer shortly - "Normal", and this information will be closed to you. A friend is always on the side of your child, no matter what he does. You don't have to move to the teenage level. Collect all the best from the images of Parent and Friend, combine - and then you get a very interesting Adult.
3. Develop. When a child is born, he is completely addicted. Our knowledge and skills far exceed his skills. But gradually he surpasses us in some aspects. Parents often do not notice the moment when they could not answer a question, and the child gradually stopped asking them. And now there are questions, the answers to which he knows, not you. The same laws work here as in professional activities. If you do not develop, you will become unclaimed. Learn, be interested, get to know the world together!
4. Respect. They are our flesh and blood. But they live in a different world, they have different tasks, desires, dreams. We accompany them in this life, but we must not turn this into control and submission. We can be there, we can come to the rescue, if necessary. But the path they follow, they choose for themselves. And by accepting this, you pay tribute to the personality of the child, his individuality, his special soul. If your difficult child now is sure that everyone will accept him at home, you will be the first to whom he will come, if something happens, if he stumbles, does something wrong. Time is of the essence; in many cases, early intervention can save a lot, from health to freedom.

Let them not be the same as we were, let them do what we would never have done. Maybe that's why they will be able to do what you and I cannot or will not have time to do for this world.

How to find a common language with a teenage child?

Learn how to communicate with your child at his "difficult" age

“Difficult” in children is usually called the age from about 12-13 to 16-17 years. It is at this age that your affectionate, kind and sympathetic child seems to be substituted for an evil and prickly creature that is hysterical, scandalous and does everything the other way around. So what is the reason and how to deal with it?

Psychologists say - no way. This period must simply be experienced as a natural disaster. However, its unfortunate consequence can be the loss of trust on the part of the child and a good relationship with him forever. To prevent this from happening, it is important once again not to succumb to emotions and behave correctly and wisely.

1. Remember that at this age your child seems to be "carrying" his own emerging personality. He is nervous and needs careful handling. In this situation, parents should show first and foremost concern and support.

2. Every teenager, from the point of view of psychology, is a person with a "borderline" psyche. This means that a more or less pronounced disorder of the nervous system is the norm in most cases.

3. Make sure that the child has the opportunity to be alone for a certain amount of time (alone in the apartment at the time of your departure, alone in his room after school, etc.). Believe me, if a teenager is never alone for a second, he will gradually explode (“explosion” is, accordingly, hysteria).

4. Remember also that his room is his territory. Outside of it, anything can happen and be decided, but in his room his laws must operate.

5. A certain degree of freedom is necessary for a teenager, no less than the opportunity is sometimes found alone. Nothing should alert parents more (in terms of the child's healthy mental development) than the teenager's lack of need for freedom of action and speech.

6. Aggression of a teenager aimed at others is a reflection of subconscious aggression towards oneself, just as love for others is impossible without love and respect for one's own “I”. These feelings are formed in a growing person under the influence of parental emotions in relation to him.

As a conclusion, we suggest that parents learn 4 basic rules for communicating with a teenage child:

- Keep your ears open. Listen calmly, do not interrupt the teenager with your remarks. Instead, ask short follow-up questions such as “Why do you think she said that?” Or “What do you think about this?” To show that you are listening carefully and better understand his emotions.

- Use body language. You may appear pissed off even when you are not. Do not stand over your teenager when he is sitting, and do not fold your arms at your hips.

- Have family dinners. Children who regularly spend time with their family are less likely to get into trouble and do better in school. Besides, however, your child needs you.

Difficulty child how to communicate

Girl, 2 years and 10 months. An incomplete family (I am a self-mother), we live with my grandmother. I love, I adore, I spoil!

We go to the playground - the children take away all the toys from her. I try not to interfere until it comes to tears (my girl). I tried to teach to give "change" - to no avail. The paradox is that even children, younger than her, offend her. Children's holiday - flea market and laughter, and mine - flea market and tears. I tried to teach to push the offender away from myself, too, to no avail. I understand that children are small, not out of spite. We run to the clown for gifts - mine. the last one. The general photo will never come to the fore.

What am I doing wrong? What's my mistake? Help us please!

Vicusina Mom, please mark the statements that characterize your child's behavior.

2. It is difficult for him to concentrate on something.

3. Any task causes unnecessary anxiety.

4. During the execution of assignments, he is very tense, constrained.

5. Confused more often than others.

6. Often talks about stressful situations.

7. As a rule, blushes in unfamiliar surroundings.

8. Complains that he has terrible dreams.

9. His hands are usually cold and damp.

10. He often has a stool disorder.

11. Sweats a lot when worried.

12. Does not have a good appetite.

13. Sleeps restlessly, falls asleep with difficulty.

14. Fearful, a lot causes him fear.

15. Usually restless, easily upset.

16. Often cannot hold back tears.

17. Poorly tolerates waiting.

18. Doesn't like to take on a new business.

19. Not confident in myself, in my abilities.

20. Afraid to face difficulties.

First of all, I want to thank you for your attention to my question!

Thank you very much for responding!

and 19. Not confident in myself, in my abilities. (this is my personal, possibly subjective opinion)

And the rest is not about us.

Very good. Then I have a few more questions.

Does the child attend kindergarten?

What is the child's social circle? (with whom he communicates, are there children in him)

Is there initiative in playing with children (he himself offers various options for interaction)?

When playing with other children, is there always a negative background?

What does he like to play with, with whom, are there any favorite toys?

Re: The child does not know how to communicate with children

Have tried walking last year. To put it mildly, a nightmare. Vika started crying only when she woke up. She asked: Mom, don't take me to a bad kindergarten, there is aunt-kaka. In the kindergarten, they literally “ripped her off” from me. Tears, snot, my buttons ... The boy constantly offended her. I didn’t have the opportunity to financially “thank” the educators, I didn’t work then. Maybe they would have looked after the Dotsya better ... 11 days passed from 4 months, the rest of the time they were ill. And Vika began to scream at night. Wakes up, grabs me and cries: Mom, won't we go to a bad kindergarten tomorrow?

Yes, it is limited ... I, grandmother, rarely children from the playground. There are no kids in our yard.

In the game with me, yes. Offers to play, she comes up with games. When playing with children, at first it is tense, then it relaxes and also offers different options for games. Primitive of course, but we don't have three more

4) Negative background.

Not always, but very often. I'll probably repeat: toys are taken from us, we always get. What should I do? How to teach her? That's why Vika probably loves 6, 7-year-old children, they are no longer interested in her bucket with a shovel and beads, her 3-wheeled bike ...

Most of all he loves to “do homework” (tasks with development games), asks to read a book, loves to collect puzzles, draws, sculpts, loves to run, maze, climb slides (until they are pushed or kicked. Another child would have snapped and played further . My- in tears and go home). She loves Disney cartoons, Circus, Puppet Theater and attractions (if mom takes a place, Vika is lost in a crowd of screaming children running to a zebra crossing or a car, so I'm running after her ... A pitiful sight ... 3-4 year old kids and a 33-year-old aunt ) Loves to walk and ride. She is indifferent to dolls. Cars - with a bang. Favorite toy - soft yellow duck, "my dotsya". Yes, not in the subject, he paints in black watercolors. I hid the black pencil and felt-tip pen.

At the same time, everyone compares an already grown baby with a newly born baby and envies those mothers who, not knowing worries and problems, calmly raise their children. However, such a comparison is stupid, because for a certain age their own habits are also characteristic, therefore it is necessary to learn to distinguish the child's ordinary activity from the developing “problematic”. In relation to, the expression "difficult children" is most often used. They may not listen to their parents at all, be too independent, harmful, stubborn, but do not forget that these are just children. With the right upbringing, even difficult children become the most ordinary, quiet, affectionate and loving kids.

Problems of this nature most often arise in young parents who are just learning to raise their first child. The slightest mistake, and the baby is already beginning to behave badly. And in this situation, we can say that it is the parent who is to blame first of all, and not the child. It must always be remembered that it is our communication with children that can cause both positive and negative results. It is quite natural that the baby, who constantly hears only the cry of his own mother, sooner or later becomes indifferent to him. As a result, a normal kid grows into an angry teenager who will raise his children in the same way in the future. Therefore, difficult children are nothing more than the result of improper parenting.

Raising her voice to her child, the mother often justifies her behavior by saying that she is afraid to accustom the baby to such behavior. On the one hand, the fear is really understandable, because if a child does not hear "no", but receives permissiveness, he will be able to behave in absolutely any way and will very quickly get used to it. However, the situation is twofold, and you should learn to see the line when you can raise your voice to the child, and when it is better to let him do what he wants.

Let's imagine that your baby has stopped obeying and does only what his heart desires. First of all, you need to understand that raising difficult children is a painstaking and rather long process, so be patient. What positions are suitable in such a situation, we will describe below.

1. Do not forbid him everything in the world. Such tugging and constant prohibitions only embitter the baby and do not give him freedom. Let him try to paint on the wall - it will be easy to erase it, but he will see that he was allowed to. In the future, you just need to explain to the child that you can draw on paper, and the walls must be clean. If you repeat this several times without yelling, you will see the result in a few weeks.
2. Do not scold him in front of everyone. This affects your child too much and creates a number of complexes. If the baby has done something out of the ordinary, it is better to quietly tell him that this cannot be done, than to burst into an angry tirade for half an hour.
3. Do not hit the child under any circumstances. This approach is immoral.
4. Do not shield him from everything in the world. Very often the mother tries to protect her child from any problems. It is advisable to do this when the child is still very young, but the grown-up child needs to make some stupid things and mistakes. This is gaining experience that will definitely come in handy for him in the future. Giving your child detailed instructions for each action, you run the risk of raising a person who is not able to make independent decisions.

Difficult children re-educate themselves very quickly if everything is done correctly. Let your child feel your concern (but not excessive), and then everything will be fine and hassle-free.

Why is it enough for one child to show how to go to the potty once, and he will "do his own thing" in it every time the body requires it, and the other, understanding everything, will continue to do "his thing" on the floor? You can scream and swear with the whole family, force the baby to wipe the floor after himself, but the result will be zero.

Disobedient child

The indignation of parents addressed to a child about his disobedience, as a rule, is caused by a lack of understanding that the speed and ability to perceive and translate it into action is individual for each child. Many parents easily allow themselves to raise their voice to a child who does not behave the way an adult drew in his head. In addition, the fear that the child will get used to behaving "badly" is too great, and therefore he must be constantly taught, educated, pulled back, directed on the true path. Not to get used to it. This approach rather interferes with reaching the really necessary information to the child's mind, since he is too overloaded with unnecessary and sometimes even harmful prohibitions.

The path of physical (including moral) influence on the child is a dead end, since it has a limit of action, that is, sooner or later a moment comes when the child stops responding and perceives the forceful influence coming from the parent as a guide to changing behavior.

The second harmful consequence is that the starting point of the relationship with the child descends to the level of assault. Well, and, of course, in such relationships it is impossible to talk about mutual respect and trust: the parent unceremoniously violates the inner space of the child, no matter how significant the reasons are. Therefore, there is no other way out - you need to find in your child his personal path of understanding, through which he can convey the rules of communication in the family, society and other similar information.

Prohibitions

Every mother is able to prepare her child, even the most difficult one, for relationships with the outside world without prejudice to all its participants, not through suppression, abuse and physical pressure.

To begin with, it would be nice to understand that every difficult child, depending on his temperament, has a deeper need, in comparison with ordinary children, to explore the world around him. Therefore, they are considered "difficult" - they climb everywhere, break everything, unscrew, tear off, poke, and so on. In order for the child to freely express himself in the surrounding space, it is necessary to minimize the number of inhibitions. Only under this condition everything that we will talk about will give a result.

There is no need to be afraid that the child will get used to the fact that there are fewer inhibitions. You can only get used to the fact that a mother accepts her child as he is with all the features. Wallow in the mud? Please! Drinking bath water? No problem! Etc. Moreover, before that, all the prohibitions, as a rule, did not lead to the desired result, and the child either did everything in spite of, or "played naughty" until the parents could see. The thirst for exploration, apparently, is a compensation for a peculiar set of traits with which it is difficult to be in society, and it is for this reason that the label "difficult" is attached to the child.

Of course, this does not mean that everything should be left to chance. But this seemingly conniving behavior of the mother has a double meaning. On the one hand, the child will learn to take responsibility for his own behavior, and for difficult children this is so important. On the other hand, the mother removes the tension in the relationship, and the child stops twitching and expecting that any (and as a rule, this is exactly what happens) his act causes discontent and even punishment from the parents. Reasonable connivance must become an integral part of the space where a difficult child lives, if parents want to find a path to his consciousness.

The child may start to behave differently out of surprise. If the family had a rather rigid system of prohibitions before, then the baby may begin to "come off to the fullest," thinking that the wonderful life of permissiveness will soon end. It must wait out. Soon the baby's behavior will return to a more or less normal state for him.

At the same time, mom (and, if possible, all family members, because mom can teach them this) begins to talk to him.

Communication with the child

Conversations with a child are completely underestimated. Of course, all parents communicate with their children. But difficult children need to talk in addition to just talking and teaching in a very specific way. The specificity of these conversations lies in the creation of an information field around the selected object or action. It is easier to give an example so that understanding appears, since situations and life in each family are so different that it is impossible to write a template scheme.

For example, a child breaks dishes. It beats allegedly by accident. Or on purpose. Specifically requires a mug and does everything to break it. It is clear that this period occurs in every baby, and it is marked by a different amount of broken dishes. If, for some reason, this has grown into an obsession associated with a general destructive mood, then the mother begins to talk about the mug, plus she plays destructive games with the child.

Mom collects all the large fragments of previously broken cups-mugs in a bag. When the child is in a calm mood, she takes the fragments out of the bag (you need to inspect the edges in advance so that there are no sharp ones, although it is quite difficult to cut yourself on the ceramic fragments), shows them to the child and leads a monologue in the process (perhaps a dialogue, it all depends on the child's age ). She looks into children's eyes and gently touches the baby from time to time. "Once upon a time, there were cups. Blue, yellow and red (mom shows the fragments of the listed colors). Beautiful flowers, a house and stars were drawn on the cups (they are looking for the listed items together)." You can ask the kid himself (if he can speak) what was drawn on the cups. "Once the kid broke a mug. He took it and threw it on the floor with a bang (shows). And a beautiful cup turned into such fragments. From this cup (mom gives the child a compote to drink) the baby drinks a delicious compote, and the cup is very good, it is whole. And the baby is good? Like the compote? And of these fragments, no one else will ever drink anything. The fragments are probably very sad that they will never become a cup again. "

It is important not to document the events on the child. And you don't have to associate broken cups with him at all. That is not to say, "Ay-ay-ay, what kid broke such a wonderful cup, how bad he is." Mom talks about the action and what it has led or can lead to.

Another example. A child throws sand at children. Mom, being with the child at home, tells a story. You can look out of the window at the sandbox. You can use a picture. "Here is the sand. Little children go with their mothers to play sand. The baby also walks with his mother? And what does the baby do when he comes to play sand? He starts throwing sand at the children. And how does the baby throw sand at the children? Show (mother shows herself, if the child does not want). And what do the children think when someone starts throwing sand at them? Children think that the sand can get into the eyes. It hurts. the eye hits the sand. All the children run away so that the eye does not hurt. And the baby plays alone. And he is sad. " And so on.

These conversations are like fairy tales that adults tell children. But, by and large, they are not. The mother's goal is to make the child not only a listener, but also an active participant in the conversation. Its goal is to use the maximum number of receptors (tactile, taste, smell, touch). These conversations can be conducted according to different scenarios depending on the situation, ask questions and find answers to them together.

Sometimes these conversations can go on day after day, week after week, and the child's behavior does not change in any way. There is no need to despair, this method works, but very gently, gradually weaving into the children's conceptual set.

So, mom continues to bend her line. You can come up with a new conversation around the problem or conduct it not only at home, but also in the place of "villainy". However, one should not forget that each baby has its own individual speed of penetration of the area of ​​understanding and awareness into the area of ​​action and meaningful behavior. Mom should trust her baby. A child may know everything in detail about the consequences of aiming sand throws at children, but is not yet able to show it with his behavior. But one day the moment always comes when the baby says that the cup is “boom!”, But does not throw it on the floor. He does not deliberately abandon her!

Discussion

norms article, of course, you cling to "scientific" phrases, and the title is promising, but article norms) proofreading is simply not enough :)

I stumbled already on this "The indignation of parents addressed to a child about his disobedience, as a rule, is caused by a lack of understanding that the speed and ability to perceive and translate it into action is individual for each child."

"The sun has sat down behind a bush, the bird has straightened its bust and, hugging a chamomile, is eating semolina."
Beeeeeeee.

What does this article have to do with raising HARD CHILDREN? The child broke a cup a cup boom, damn it, damn it; you tried in the article to very roughly outline the principle of developing empathy in a child, and that's all, and that item was unsuccessfully chosen, it is better to choose a pussy or a dog; I would have had to name my article differently, I would not waste time reading; and they also stuck a photo of a schoolchild to the article, they would have taken a picture of a teenager and named the article how to raise a difficult teenager

Comment on the article "How to reach the consciousness of a difficult child"

According to well-known ideas, man is an animal that once realized its divine origin ... In infancy, while the child is innocent, the soul quietly awakens in the readiness and timid hope to accompany us through life. At this age, she is still free from the dogmas of the mind and the heel of character. Only the confusion of the penetrating emotional tropes dominates the circumstances of the spontaneous formation of the infant's mental code. And only the unfading background of parental sincerity reveals an invisible niche ...

Children today have tremendous opportunities. All kinds of developmental programs allow you to master many skills practically from the cradle. High technologies give access to a huge knowledge base accumulated by mankind over millennia. Well-being has grown to such a level where practically each of us can create a personal paradise for our child, in which all his desires and needs are satisfied. Our children have no idea what hunger and hard physical labor for the sake of survival are ...

It is generally accepted that a child is simply obliged to be cheerful, noisy, and very active. That a normal child is the source of a huge number of questions, desires and pranks. But what if your child does not fit into this average portrait? If he prefers quiet entertainment alone to noisy entertainment among peers. Moreover, the child is wary of all attempts to stir up and cheer him up. All attempts to bring him into contact lead to the fact that the child ...

A negligent student. Doesn't want to study. Cannot concentrate on the task. Shows no interest. How to get through to him? The tutor very often has to work with precisely those children who are considered difficult. So this time they asked to study English with Grisha. The boy is in the fourth grade, he has been studying a foreign language for two years, but he has no knowledge: he cannot read, write, or speak English. The tutor was imbued with the situation and invited the child to start ...

Is silent. Does not hear. He will shut himself off with headphones, hide in the hood - and you will not reach him. Absolute introvert, egocentric. That and look, will shrink into a tiny lump and disappear from this world - it is so hard for him to be in it. I think you have seen the stooped figures of these silent adolescents more than once. Ask him to transfer money in public transport - he will not hear right away. And if he hears, he will react sluggishly, without emotion, will not even look ...

Today there are a huge number of methods for raising children. Experienced teachers and educators share their best practices and experience gained in the course of many years of working with children. And, nevertheless, there are often cases when even the most experienced teachers and child psychologists give in to those "surprises" that our children throw at us. What are the difficulties faced by the parents of modern adolescents. A child, only yesterday obedient and, in general, understandable, overnight turns into ...

So, before advising methods of rehabilitation, you need to figure out how to get through to your mother. And once again go to a good specialist to make sure that everything is in order is not so difficult. And for the sake of his own child.

Discussion

Why are you only talking about a pediatrician? What's the difference what kind of qualifications she is if a speech therapist deals with speech issues (and also a defectologist, a neurologist in case of problems, plus consultations of an ophthalmologist and an ENT specialist are needed).
Another question is that the parents will most likely send and will be right :) You can't explain it to everyone.
And it will be difficult to correct the speech until the parents want to. IMHO. Children get used to it, especially since it's not about a baby. To get a competent speech, you must firstly at least consult with experts and understand what to do. Secondly, to constantly remind and correct the child. But the second is usually possible after at least a few sessions with a speech therapist, when the child understands what they want.

This is such a delicate point. If you say that something is wrong with the child or send it to the doctor, the parents are likely to be hostile. Actually, they do just that. Not because they do not see the problem, they see it, but they do not want to admit it. Because suddenly it's something serious ...
What would I do - would convince that this is not a PROBLEM, but an ordinary everyday thing, normal healthy children often have problems with speech, every first person is engaged with a speech therapist, a specially trained person will correct everything to the norm in six months or a year and the child will be chatting like Tina Kandelaki and teasing those who were not taken to a speech therapist by their parents. I would give examples from life :) Besides, a speech therapist is not a doctor.
The main thing is that they reach a speech therapist and start working with a specialist.

On December 25, 2012, the documentary “Violence and Child Abuse: Causes, Consequences and Response” was released on the Internet. It was made within the framework of the project "A child in trouble: legal assistance and socio-psychological support", implemented by the Izhevsk city public organization "Center for Social and Educational Initiatives" in 2012 (Udmurt Republic, Izhevsk); mounted with funds allocated as a grant in accordance with ...

Discussion

Trutter, thanks for the article, interesting. But ... one moment confuses. Namely, the article named A.I.

I looked who he was, read his articles, which are referenced on the Council's page, and .... this man aroused my respect. In any case, in his articles he writes about very painful problems and looks like a man trying to at least reach out to the authorities.

But the prize can be big at the end of the tunnel - if you can get through to the child and restore him. In general, it is difficult for me to imagine adopted children with the motivation to "help" ...

Discussion

Natalia, you can ... but there is something from above))) the law of desires))) you will definitely meet what you are most afraid of, at least on 1-2 points. lower the bar, prepare yourself mentally for hell - and you will be happy ...

"Is there a chance to find an obedient, learning-inclined child who will easily fit into the family?" - Of course there is. There are a lot of such children. There are many children who have just entered the system from a family, many are simply intellectually safe children, who, even after the trauma of abandonment, quickly recover and move further rapidly in development. I saw such children in Serpukhov, with other adoptive parents.

But most likely you will not get such a child, tk. when we are afraid of something, i.e. we are afraid to have a problem child, a child with hepatitis C, or any other - we will get just that.

Well, this is how life develops, such are its laws.

Basically, as I know, few people consciously go to difficulties, are ready to nurse, pull - there are only a few. Basically, people adopt in order to raise a child, become a parent, but in the process it turns out that the child has some problems and this parent who is not ready for difficulties in advance begins to solve the problems that arise. And he succeeds.

Therefore, my practice shows that people are able to cope with very difficult problems. It is not necessary to set ourselves up for the bad in advance, because even having met with the bad we are quite able to cope with it.

Unconditional love assumes that we love a person with all his merits and demerits, victories and defeats, beautiful or not so, healthy or sick. Unconditional love does not need to be achieved, it cannot be rewarded for good behavior or lost due to poor grades. It is unconditional love that helps parents find the right way to raise their baby, determine how to reach out to his little heart. In families where relationships are based on a sincere and ...

And life with very difficult children is happier and much more meaningful for me than what you think is the height of perfection. Of course I am not saying that this can be easily achieved with all children. But here's the basic idea - to reach out to the mind of a teenager and teach ...

Discussion

Maybe right, but some very unpleasant feeling. From everything that has been written about this story. A lot can be said point by point ... but I will say a general shit.

I am so glad that my children are _not_ brought up by Fostermama! It seems to be a very good, bright person ... but I'm glad that my children are not there!

07.10.2012 02:31:41, masha__usa

I learned a lot from you, thank you very much!

Useful tips for parents of first graders and more. September 1 is not only the first school day and the beginning of the golden autumn season, but also stress for many schoolchildren and their parents. Moreover, if the child goes to school for the first time. Any physician will confirm: the share of the "school factor" accounts for almost 25% of cases of deterioration in the health of children and adolescents. This is not surprising, because over the past decade, the load on schoolchildren has increased almost 20 times! Meanwhile, keep the physical and psychological ...

HOW to reach a child ?. School problems. Child (older of 2) 10 years old. Graduated 4th grade. It seems not stupid. I have problems with mathematics (with problems). Problems started from the 2nd grade. I thought I had no ability for mathematics.

Discussion

Cancel English - it is less relevant for you now. If you find it, let the child read the book by Irina Drubachevskaya "Let's Get Rid of Twos", it was written on behalf of a boy who studied with a neuropsychologist. Explain that these activities will lead to less sitting. Tell how the brain, hemispheres work, what and how they do. Explain that he has no option "not to deal with neuropsychology, but he has a choice: go to this specialist again or look for more. Be calm and persistent," I understand that you want to rest, and we will do a little, but we will, and you yourself will be glad how much easier it will become for you to learn. "

I’m struggling with English right now. but this is my whim, the teacher just said that he has an interest, but that we need to develop, sit and study. There was a simple conversation that it’s nice to come to school on September 1 and show that you know more than others, and in general please an authoritative teacher)) and in general, on trips to the sea, do not be a dude, but communicate on your own, and not shout to mom: )
They (and their grandmother) bought books with stories, but missed the level, they took rather mature topics at all times, i.e. they are pulling to class 9, for 2 days he fought, managed to translate 2 pages, the translation was almost successful. Yesterday I could not stand it and there were tears that he could no longer ... but the mood remained, I will go buy him books of his level)) In general, in our family, monetary stimulation is still accepted, not for volume, but for the result)

From the beginning of May, I always start to cry. I became sentimental, the footage of the WWII chronicle causes a lump in my throat. War songs are a fit of sobs. I absolutely can’t stop my tears while “Katyusha” or “Dark Night” or “Goodbye, boys” are being played. And since from 2 to 10 they sound everywhere, then my emotions do not crawl out of the sphere of pride and bitterness. Tears for our past, for the great that our grandfathers were able to do. It was brought up then, in our childhood, for years. Movies, songs, memories ...

Discussion

We are talking about grandparents. Last year, we drove through the places of Battle Glory of the Moscow Region, and went to the tank museum in Kubinka. This year we have not yet decided what we will do.

I always cry, so I don’t watch movies about the war AT ALL - I just can’t! And not only about WWII, but also about Afghan ... I personally knew many who stayed there, and Chechnya ... It's hard to realize, but the war is going on, it has not ended ...
I am not making any speeches especially for Victory Day, but we will definitely go to the laying on, stand by the Fire, look at the veterans - children must remember this too, so that they can tell their children later. And so in everyday life, if it comes to it, then we discuss, I tell, I especially tell a lot about what I learned from my grandmother, who survived the occupation with young children, how she lost a child - there was no medicine to cure him ... how they saved themselves from hunger by digging up frozen potatoes and licorice roots, how they ate porridge from, as they thought, poisoned millet, the Nazis retreating that they could not take it away / blow it up - they poisoned it, so my grandmother typed it, cooked it, and ate a spoon herself, and the children sat next to me hungry and watched, and she cried and ate, because there are not even dogs / cats left in the city, on whom to try - they ate everyone - this is also a war, and our children must remember this too ...

Forgetting history, not drawing the correct conclusions from what has been lived is the greatest mistake of humanity.

Thus, I freeze from the consciousness that I got into a marriage with a blockhead and this epic picture has been unfolding in front of me for the last three years (the beginning of school and the beginning is still DIFFICULT! The sausage is scary, painful, scary, scary for myself, scary for the child ...

Discussion

I myself am in a similar situation, and here is a post in the topic.
I read kamenty ... I do not understand those who advise to say thank you for not drinking and not beating, and even goes to buy food. Thank you for what? Common life. Both work. And assault and drunkenness is generally a good reason to run, dropping your slippers.
I see neither anguish nor complete self-denial in the author. Taking responsibility for your children and rehabilitating them as much as possible is normal.

The only thing that comes to mind is to shift the maximum of household duties onto the husband, if he really does not want to deal with children. Look for an intelligent rehabilitation therapist who will deal with exercise therapy children. If the husband does not want to, then let him pay for a qualified specialist.
About divorce, I would not flog a fever. It will always succeed.
By the way, he will stop any help to you in the event of a divorce, but what about the children? Will he not help children either?
If I were you, after such conversations, I would have made myself a couple of cash coins, just in case. Moreover, they invested in the business together, and the income from it does not shine for you in the event of a divorce.

You give all of yourself to the children - it's wrong. Children will grow up, leave you, with whom and with what will you stay? Will you become a "caring mother" (Litvak)? Try again to hire tutors and specialists. You will have more time for yourself and your husband. You have driven yourself. One gets the feeling that by trying to be an ideal mother, you are compensating for some of your complex. Read Litvak, Kurpatov. Try objectively, moving away from exercise therapy and doing homework, to look at the relationship with your husband.

03.03.2011 14:56:10, for the first time I give some advice

How else to get through to consciousness? Well, is it really difficult to put all the oilcloths in the closet and not torment the children. In the beginning, we never wore oilcloth. They didn’t even buy it, because it was left from the previous class.

Discussion

My friend (more precisely, her son) had a similar case, albeit with a physical education teacher. Also deuces, either for a forgotten rope, or for a T-shirt of the wrong color - I could not find the one I needed in the morning. A friend came to the teacher and conveyed to her consciousness that they, the parents, were absolutely indifferent to what the child's physical education grade would be, so it’s not worth trying in vain. Well, this was repeated to the child several times. The remarks like "not ready for the lesson" did not disappear anywhere, but they stopped jerking the child. After all, it is clear that deuces in elementary school are the impact, first of all, on the parents of the child through the child himself.
OFF :) And according to my work, I was ordered to make a man from STRAW during the holidays - that's where the ambush is ... Well, in the first class, twos are not given :)

As a matter of fact. I was in your place. I went to school to the teacher and argued, asked, was indignant, even cursed. My direct teacher's attitude to the child was biased. There is a constant bully, everyone cries, complains, she covers him up, the rest are extreme ones, who give change, who are just worried. He's bullying, and my whole diary is in red. Plus debriefing with the whole class, no one saw anything right away - they were very afraid of her, a very authoritative teacher, they were afraid of her whisper, she did not raise her voice. And I walked and hammered her, that it was impossible, I myself was afraid of her, but when I saw how other parents were cowardly, I got angry and walked. Water wears away the stone. I finished it off. She said that another such a nervous breakdown in a child, and I have him periodically with neurodermatitis (when he experiences the same, in tears right away), and I will go further, really, Maryivannovna, you don’t know the children, impressionable natures, you have pity on them , it's not possible with everyone (she said something to the bully, only he didn't care), you have children and grandchildren, you would like your child to cry after school ... but if he does something will do with himself (such cases are not so rare), how will you sleep and live on? In short, she either felt sorry, I burst into tears, or took out this endless stream of consciousness. In the middle of the second grade, she fell behind him.
About readiness for the lesson. Alas, the reality. We were given 2k for the fact that we didn’t come up with poetry. Shock. But we are already used to it. Want to go against the system?
About you personally. You do not regret very many, as I also noticed, incl. children, why do you want to feel sorry for you and your child? You write to many here in a fashionable spirit: I don’t see a problem ...: ((((I personally feel sorry for your baby, I see this at home and I can’t contribute to his thick skin), and if I do, will I regret it later?
My advice to you, do not reflect here, but go and fight for the respectful attitude of the teacher to the child (not 2 for the oilcloth, but intimidation, tears, etc.), they do not like scandalous things, they will not reach the teacher, they will reach the director. Do not change the school, there are no ideal conditions.
Well, from my own examples I can cite the following: I achieved that the physical education teacher was removed from our class, who let go of the handles, although our teacher tried to release this conflict actively on the brakes. There are others. And you don't need to listen to those who say - it's all bullshit, nonsense, if this is a problem for you, then this is a problem and it must be solved, and not based on the opinion of the confa to score on it ... (yes, and try too (if you want to yourself such an attitude), if you are already answering, do not write to others like all garbage, except for bees, since the author of the top has a problem, then this is not garbage for him).

It is difficult to understand from your topic what your son wants. He grows up, yes. But he remains a child at the same time. there are conversations, good conversations, attempts to reach out to consciousness. 04/16/2010 12:07:46 PM, high school student's mom.

Discussion

God, you accurately described our history. As I know this situation, goosebumps. I have a son who is (14 years old) addicted to a computer. I tried a lot, unfortunately, it does not help. I decided not to pay for the Internet, alas, the depression began with him. I put parental control, it removes. I put the password, unlocked it. Now he understands the computer better than me. If I deprive the computer, then the end of everything. In computer science, she participates in Olympiads, teachers praise and at the same time complain about absenteeism. He wants to study to be a programmer, writes small programs. But he does not do the rest of the lessons and skips. The coolest (ashamed of course) truant at school. Hmm .. I relaxed a bit and missed it, I had to do all these things before. What a pity now it's too late to change something ... ..

Long, difficult and expensive. But there is a result - he stopped annoying, the child was saved, the tantrums stopped, because as soon as he stopped annoying me, then I stopped barking at him -> he became calmer, the contact improved, etc.

But this is a long and detailed conversation ...

for many women, the threat of divorce to her husband is practically the only way to get through to the consciousness of this very husband 08/25/2004 16:35:37, Marticia. And it is a well-known fact that it is much more difficult for a woman to fall in love with someone else's child than for a man the child of a beloved woman.

Discussion

One of the typical scenarios for a woman is the first to say about the divorce, but when it comes to moving, to the court, she will start to play back and want to stay. Another thing is that, as a rule, categorically does not want to discuss his attitude to the family and his position and position and habits in the family.
At the same time, if she does not want to categorically deal with the house, then something is wrong in relation to you in comparison with the pre-wedding time. One of the likely options is dissatisfaction in bed. The probability of solving this problem is minimal, but you can try to behave in bed as if you were already divorced and there is nothing more to lose.
If you value your child very much, then there is only one option - to endure, to live as a child until he reaches the age of 7-10 years. Then it is more likely that the guardianship department and the court, under other objective circumstances, will leave the child to you, if you do not agree with your spouse.

08/28/2004 01:16:07, Vlad

Could you describe your problems in more detail. If you want to save your marriage, then perhaps we could advise you on "recipes".
One of your reasons is neatness.
Don't you suppose that sitting at home just demoralizes a person? That she was just tired of doing routine work all the time (BETWEEN THE OTHER, NOT ONCE IN A DAY - A LITTLE CHILD). And according to the mood, everything is easy and done and quickly.
2. YOU are a family living with the SWEET, in particular with the SWEET!
And your mother does not "itch" you, and even more so to her?
In general, any woman wants to be the ONLY mistress of the house. And living not only in someone else's apartment, but also with father-in-law is not enough joy, no matter how wonderful the father-in-law may be.
3. Your family may well have a family crisis -1, 3, 5.7, 10, 15, 10 years of marriage, the birth of the first and every subsequent child, etc.
4. Perhaps, like most men, you have "non-interference". Mom said ... here you are, dear, and figure it out. You are women, so decide among yourself. and in the same spirit. That is, she does not see moral support from you. Or, even worse, you support your mother's side in everything, because -she is older, her apartment, mom is only one, mom knows better and for a bunch of reasons.

In general, a woman with a 2-year-old child in her arms, who is only just being accepted into kindergarten, not yet having a stable income and housing, and has already decided to divorce! is already a diagnosis for you! and your relationship. Moreover, you yourself wrote that your wife first accumulates everything in herself, and does not immediately explode. In addition, your infality -You are satisfied with everything, you do not want to change anything, you have promised and you are not going to fulfill this confirmation.
In general, it looks like a lot in your topic that your mother is very unhappy with your wife, and you are not only too lazy to change something, but also in a bastard not only stand up for your wife, but also understand her (from your words, she puts forward stupid and unclear requirements).

In general, dump for now on a rented apartment, while it’s not bad and if your family is really dear to you. Do not give the key to the apartment to your parents, live on your own. Go on vacation with your wife (a child for a grandmother or someone ready to sit with him). Try to understand your wife.
And at the expense of "manipulating" the child. If I understood your situation correctly and much of what I have written is suitable for your situation, then this is not a threat, but your wife will really file for hopelessness and divorce if you do not take urgent measures.