Addictions 

How to get back to normal after a stroke. Depression after divorce: how to get back to normal

Divorce - contentment is often a way of solving intra-seed problems. Unable or willing to resolve the situation differently, the spouses separate and subsequently divorce.

If the problem that led to the divorce is truly destructive to living together, then a divorce is necessary. Such a destructive factor is the abuse of family members by one of the spouses, drug use, excessive alcohol addiction, criminal activity, and an immoral lifestyle. In such cases, dissolution of the marriage is liberation.

If the reason was not so complex reasons (for example, adultery in the form of chance without building a parallel family, dissatisfaction of relatives on the one hand with the other, material difficulties, poor living conditions, problems of child behavior, the birth of a seriously ill child), then divorce will aggravate the mental the state of the spouses.

The problem will not be solved and internally every ex-spouse will protest against the wrong step that was taken by them and led to the destruction of family life. In this case, protracted depression, deterioration of health, a noticeable decrease in working capacity are frequent, and outbursts of shocking behavior occur. How to get out of depression after a divorce?

Stages of the post-divorce period

Former spouses go through the same stages of the post-divorce period for all.

  • Rejection... Divorce is rejected at the subconscious level. It seems like a dream, a joke, a mistake. - anything but reality. It seems that a little time will pass, the relationship will be restored, everything will return to normal, life with your spouse will improve.
  • Negation... The understanding that a divorce is inevitable, which has come, results in a stream of threats, blackmail, manipulation aimed at the initiator of the divorce. Demonstrative suicide attempts are sometimes made.
  • Spite... There is a desire to take revenge, to harm the ex-spouse. At this stage, prohibitions on communicating with children, spreading rumors, damage to property, causing physical pain when meeting begin.
  • Cooperation... Most often, the reasons for cooperation are far-fetched: an imaginary pregnancy, a false illness - one's own or children, problems in everyday life. There are frequent attempts at demonstrative "arrangement of personal life", which almost always cause disappointment in new relationships.
  • Oppression... If there is no result in restoring relations with the ex-spouse, a pre-depressive state begins. It is characterized by a sharp decline in self-esteem, self-doubt, depressed state of mind, emotional emptiness.
  • Awareness... With a successful exit from depression, there comes a perception of oneself in a new way, liberation from lying down comes to restore an irreparable relationship, unhealthy attachment to the ex-spouse ends.
  • Adaptation... A readiness for new relationships is formed, a positive attitude towards representatives of the opposite sex develops, resentment against the ex-spouse leaves.

Awareness of their new marital status - ex-spouse, divorced - and adaptation to it come only to those: who coped with depression after divorce.

Depression after divorce in women, due to their greater emotionality and immersion in the family, visits more often than men.

What is depression?

Depression after divorce is a mental disorder characterized by depressed state of mind, emotional instability, and deterioration in physical condition. Prolonged or deep depression requires medical attention and medication.

Psychology understands depression as an affective state with hypothymia (bad mood), inhibition of motor activity and asphyxiation of intellectual activity. The way out of it can be independent or with the help of a professional psychologist.

The symptoms of depression are varied.

  • The first of them is little-understood and the most difficult to eliminate - constant reflections about the ex-spouse, building internal dialogues with them, trying to mentally imagine reconciliation and re-creation of the family. A person seems to be immersed in an artificially created world and can live like that for a long time. This is especially true for women.
  • The second symptom is sleep disturbance, difficulty falling asleep, insomnia. At first, I don't want to sleep, but the body is depleted, nervous health worsens. It is typical for both women and men.
  • The third is an eating disorder. There is no appetite at all or, on the contrary, it is excessively increased and the former spouse is trying to "seize" the bitterness of parting.
  • Impairment of memory and attention is the fourth symptom. It is difficult to concentrate, concentrate, there is no interest in new information, it is almost impossible to work productively. It is more common in women.
  • Somatic manifestations: headaches, frequent colds, chest pains, hyperkinesis (nervous tics), is the fifth symptom.
  • The sixth is the inability to experience joy, pleasure; increased anxiety, feelings of fear, shame and guilt; secrecy and the desire to leave home.

How to get out of depression after a divorce? This state is prolonged, the person is immersed in it and does not see a way out. In these cases, the involvement of family and friends is essential.

To return to normal life after a divorce, you need to realize the need for this, admit that the current state is dangerous, and take the first step towards healing.

Treatments for depression are varied and are effective when used in combination.

  • Lifestyle changes. With an effort of will, you need to stop thinking about the divorce that has taken place, to look for the culprit, to sort out the reasons in memory. A drastic change in some habits will allow you to quickly clear your mind of unnecessary and destructive thoughts. Playing sports, yoga, dancing, walking to work, visiting other shops will automatically change perception and affect the reformation of consciousness.
  • Phytotherapy- An effective and tasty way to fight depression. Herbal teas with mint, lemon balm, primrose, chamomile soothe the nerves and strengthen the immune system.
  • Aromatherapy- treatment with natural oils by inhalation, evaporation in aroma lamps, taking baths with them. For depression, oils of citrus and conifers, mint, rose, ylang-ylang, patchouli, geranium, sandalwood, jasmine, incense, lavender are shown.
  • Melotherapy is considered a new treatment for depression. But in fact, it is a forgotten ancient way of treating mental disorder. Avicenna and Hippocrates believed that music makes a person stronger and healthier, cleanses the soul and strengthens the will. Sounds of nature and calm classical music are the right choice.
  • Hippotherapy- a long-known direction of zoomedicine - "horse treatment". Horseback riding and grooming can calm your nerves and can be a great hobby and a chance to meet new people at the racetrack.
  • Kanistherapy- Another promising health-improving direction of zoomedicine is “dog treatment”. Walking with the dog, playing with it, tactile contact softens the soul and soothes the nerves.
  • Psychotherapy- a common and effective method. It is implemented by a psychotherapist and includes well-known and highly specialized techniques. The main thing is to turn to a psychotherapist - a person with a higher medical education, graduated from a university and received a diploma of a doctor's education, and not to a sorcerer, psychic, telepath, sorcerer and other pseudo-healers.
  • Medication therapy carried out according to indications and under the supervision of a doctor. Uncontrolled drug use can seriously harm mental and physical health and then additional problems will be added to depression.

A stroke is always an unexpected blow that divides life into "before" and "after". People who have suffered a stroke lose the opportunity to work and live as they did for many months and even years. But this does not mean that their position is hopeless. There are many known cases when those who survived a stroke fully recovered and returned to their normal life. Of course, you will have to work hard to recover from a stroke. But today there are many effective methods of rehabilitation. Timely rehabilitation therapy, support from loved ones and self-confidence can restore health and minimize the damage caused by a stroke. Stroke and its consequences Stroke is a violation of blood circulation in one of the vessels that feed the brain. An area of ​​brain tissue deprived of oxygen is damaged and, in the most severe cases, dies. An ischemic stroke, during which an artery is blocked, is not as dangerous as a hemorrhagic stroke, in which a vessel breaks and a cerebral hemorrhage occurs. Ischemic strokes account for 70-85% of cases, and this is, so to speak, good news. Rehabilitation after ischemic stroke is easier and faster. The consequences of a stroke can be very different - it all depends on in which part of the brain the accident occurred. Most often, after a stroke, weakness develops in an arm or leg, up to paralysis. Loss of strength in the limbs can be accompanied by decreased sensitivity, dizziness, impaired speech, memory, orientation in space and vision. In severe cases, a patient who has suffered a stroke becomes as helpless as a newborn child. He will have to re-learn to walk, talk, move, do the simplest work. And the sooner this training begins, the better the results will be and the faster a person can return to their usual way of life. Stroke recovery: when to start? Rehabilitation after a stroke should begin in the very first days after a stroke, while still in a hospital. The first priority is to get the brain cells to work and take over the functions of the affected cells. The simplest and most effective way to "stimulate" the work of nerve cells is therapeutic massage. At first, this is a gentle rubbing and kneading, then you can move on to more intense massage and electrical stimulation techniques. Many people lose their ability to move after a stroke. But strict bed rest is contraindicated for those who have suffered a stroke! The most common complications of stroke - bedsores and pneumonia - are caused by immobility. Therapeutic exercises are of great importance for recovery from a stroke. There is no need to invent anything - exercises for those who have suffered a stroke have been developed for a long time and give excellent results. It all starts with passive gymnastics, then, as the condition improves, the patient moves to the active level of training. The load should build up gradually. These exercises will help you first learn to feel your body again, and then - and control it. If the ability to speak has suffered as a result of a stroke, then the patient will need classes with a speech therapist and neuropsychologist. They also need to be started as early as possible, while still in the hospital. The task of the first stage of rehabilitation is to restore the victim's ability to move independently and to take care of himself. Rehabilitation therapy in the first weeks after a stroke is also important because it gives the patient the right mindset. It was noticed that those who did not perform the necessary exercises immediately after the impact, later got used to depend on loved ones, and, considering their illness incurable, did not show the desire to work on themselves, thereby greatly inhibiting the healing process. Rehabilitation after discharge After 3-4 weeks, most stroke patients return home from the hospital. Moreover, with proper restorative therapy, about 80% of patients may well leave the ward on their own, even if relying on a cane. The worst is over, but from this moment on, a person will have a long period of rehabilitation, at the end of which he can fully regain his health and well-being. To achieve the greatest effect, rehabilitation is best carried out in special centers. The point is that recovery from a stroke must be comprehensive. At home, a person will be looked after by relatives who are loving, but poorly oriented in medicine. The help that they can provide to the patient is not enough. But for a speedy recovery, you need to follow a lot of rules. A patient after a stroke must perform special exercises every day, engage with a speech therapist, and adhere to a special diet. A person who, before the trouble happened to him, was active, lived a full life and made all the decisions himself, experiences helplessness very hard. Because of this, many fall into depression and apathy. The future seems hopeless to them. In this case, the help of a professional psychologist is needed. Sometimes physiotherapeutic procedures are also needed, which cannot be carried out in a domestic environment. In addition, the patient should be under the supervision of a doctor, as there is always a risk of a second stroke. It is very difficult to provide all these conditions at home. But specialized rehabilitation centers have the necessary equipment and highly qualified specialists. Staying in such a center is healthier and safer than trying to recover at home.

For three years, the Americans observed 5666 people and found out that sleeping less than six hours a day is powerful. For a while, the body copes with stress, then weakens, hypertension, atrial pathologies and, as a result, a stroke occur. And the British doctors have already figured out how to save people. It turned out that the brain is protected from the consequences of a stroke with the help of the protein hamartin. It allows neurons to receive oxygen and live for several tens of minutes, although most of the nerve cells in the brain die immediately.

Scientists want to create a medicine that protects cells as well as gamartin - then you can fully recover from the disease. Our doctors believe that this is still a distant future. However, already today, patients after a stroke can be helped.

How to raise a person to his feet and maintain his health as much as possible? By Maxim Domashenko, Ph.D., senior researcher of the 2nd neurological department of the Federal State Budgetary Institution "Scientific Center of Neurology" of the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences.

Four hours of life

"AiF": - Maksim Alekseevich, what achievements in the treatment of stroke is used by Russian medicine?

M.D .:- A colossal breakthrough in modern vascular neurology is that a patient who was taken to the hospital on time (when no more than 4.5 hours have passed since the first manifestations of a stroke) can be helped with thrombolytic therapy. The patient is injected in the hospital with a drug that restores blood flow in the blocked vessels. In this case, more than 60% of people (versus the previously existing 20%) recover. Unfortunately, 10% of patients in Europe manage to get into this time "window", in Russia - about 2%. But this figure can really be raised if you call an ambulance in time (see "Cut and save"). If more than 6 hours have passed after a stroke, unfortunately, it is not always possible to achieve significant results. The second point is the achievements in the field of neurorehabilitation. Robotic means dozens of times increase the effectiveness of the work of a physiotherapy instructor. All these achievements are successfully applied here, in the clinic of the Scientific Center of Neurology of the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences.

"AiF": - What kind of help from the state can a patient count on after a stroke?

M.D .:- A person is obliged to be under the supervision of a therapist and neurologist from the polyclinic at the place of residence for life. There is an approved list of essential drugs, according to which drugs are received free of charge.

Ideally, a social worker is assigned to the patient as needed. A physiotherapy specialist and speech therapist should come once a week. But, unfortunately, in our country the situation with post-stroke rehabilitation at home is far from ideal.

The main thing is communication

"AiF": - How should relatives behave at home in order to help a person get out of bed as soon as possible?

M.D .:- The more relatives are engaged in rehabilitation - preferably 2-3 hours a day - the higher the likelihood that a person will get out of bed. If the work goes on constantly, then you can achieve serious success: re-teach how to walk, speak.

If the left hemisphere is affected, the person does not speak, does not understand the speech addressed to him. If the right - the patient may be apathetic or overly active, quick-tempered. A leg or arm is often paralyzed.

If the degree of damage is medium (in half of the cases), then the patient moves in a wheelchair with a stick. Swallowing disorder is possible. In terms of caring for severe (bedridden) patients, the prevention of bedsores is important: turns every two hours, treatment of the body in the morning and evening with camphor alcohol or special agents. Twice a day - treatment of the oral cavity, for example, with a solution of chamomile. Put the person down, put it down, if possible. Passive gymnastics of paralyzed arms and legs is necessary (flexion-extension with the help of relatives, etc.) so that blood does not stagnate and there are no complications.

And it is very important to support the patient emotionally so that he does not feel flawed: discuss the news, take it outside, invite guests, read books, communicate.

How to tell if a person has a stroke

There is such a rule: in English it sounds like FAST (FAST), which helps to understand that you need to call doctors.

F is face, face. Stroke is indicated by its asymmetry. Ask the person to smile. If the smile is uneven, it is a danger sign.

A is arm. Numbness, limitation of movement of an arm or leg on one side.

S is speech, speech. Slurred speech, her misunderstanding.

T - it's time, time. If the above signs appear abruptly, you need to immediately call an ambulance. Doctors should immediately take the patient to hospitalization in a specialized institution.

What medications * need to be taken after a stroke

1st group: Drugs that reduce blood pressure (antihypertensive). They prevent the increase in pressure, keep it normal. Let small doses, but everyone needs to take them! Proven: it reduces.

2nd group: Medicines that thin the blood (antiplatelet agents or anticoagulants). Necessary for those who have had an ischemic stroke. Depending on the cause of the stroke (atherosclerosis, arterial hypertension, atrial fibrillation, etc.), antiplatelet agents or anticoagulants are prescribed. A third of patients with stroke have atrial fibrillation: blood clots form in the heart cavity, and, flying off, they clog the vessels of the brain. Then oral anticoagulants are prescribed. The new generation of these drugs (based on direct thrombin inhibitors) protects against recurrent stroke. The doctor prescribes the same medications for patients with atrial fibrillation to prevent the first stroke.

Group 3: Drugs that normalize blood cholesterol levels (lipid-lowering). They are necessary for a certain category of patients after an ischemic stroke.

4 group: Antidiabetic drugs. Prescribed to patients who have diabetes mellitus.

* Doses, names, regimen of taking all medications for each patient should be different, depending on concomitant diseases.

Hello Ekaterina! I am tired of life, tired of constant mistrust of my husband, of my lack of fulfillment. Tired of being afraid of my father-in-law, from the constant tantrums of my mother-in-law. How can you live in such a madhouse, and still remain adequate? I have two children, for whose sake I have to live on, but how? How if I can't get a job? The husband seems to be working, but he does not bring money to the house, he only says: "Everything will be fine, you have to wait a little bit." I cannot wait, the children must be fed, clothed, and treated. Yes, how much is necessary, every normal woman knows. I tell him that children cannot wait for six months, and he again for his own. Father-in-law always demands that his salary not be touched. But it doesn't work that way, the mother-in-law cannot remain indifferent to our situation (besides, we live together), spends his salary on us, then the father-in-law comes from the watch and scandals over money start, dishes fly, insults pour in our address. In general, something out of the ordinary is happening. The father-in-law explains that he is collecting money for the further education of children and that is great, but you need to live now. I really want to move to live in Russia in order to get a job at least in the slightest degree, and children need education, but I'm afraid, I'm afraid to go with my husband. If living here, having a roof over his head, he does not support us, then what can we say about moving. I am increasingly inclined to believe that I am a worthless person. I gave birth to two children, but I cannot raise them with dignity. It depresses me very much. Why is everything going downhill? After all, literally 6-7 years ago, everything was completely different, everything was normal. What was the mistake? How is it that our family is falling apart? What's happening to all of us? We gnaw like dogs, have become strangers to each other ... To live in fear all the time, I can’t and don’t want to do this anymore

Unnamed86

Svetlana Dyachenko

Administrator, Russia

Unnamed86, hello!
Please tell us about yourself and your loved ones.
How old are you?
You are working?
Psychologist Ekaterina Krupetskaya will reply to the topic after a while.

Hello! I am 31 years old and I don’t work, not because I don’t want to, there is simply no normal job. All I found was either a salesman in a store (because of a tight schedule I can't go, work from 8.00 to 22.00, one day off per month, and the salary is about $ 100), or in a cafe in the kitchen, which also takes up a lot of time , and the payment is also penny, and besides, there are problems with the spine.
What can I tell about my loved ones ... My parents are retirees, in general, they are not bad people, but they seem to be not particularly involved in my life. It seems that they are happy about my silence about their problems. The father-in-law is also essentially a good person, just very fixated on money, if you don't ask him, then he is very sympathetic. Mother-in-law ... She apparently just got tired of her son, twitches all the time, breaks down, takes offense at all sorts of little things. But we must pay tribute to her, she never spread rot, supports and if financial support is needed, she will turn inside out, but will help. The truth then gets from her husband moral people. And the most important thing is the husband! He has a very secretive character, a violent disposition, but a quick-witted, essentially kind person. He loves children, although he does not particularly take part in upbringing. I am very worried about his attitude to money, he doesn’t make much money, but he’s spending a lot. Often he borrows from his mother, then does not return it and takes it again, but she cannot refuse him. As a result, the household treasury is empty, the husband assures that he will return everything, the mother-in-law is hysterical because she is terribly afraid of her husband. And I don’t know what to do next with my children. There is no work, I have nowhere to go. This cycle does not end, everything repeats itself over and over again. How to get out of this? My mother-in-law and I are trying to make money by reselling bed linen, we are not helping out bad money, but we do not have enough of it to plug all the gaps in our budget. And I really want to work and take care of my personal earnings, so as not to look back at anyone, to calmly raise my children and be confident in the future. My husband got a job at the end of June, already in November, and we have not seen a dime a salary. Before that, he worked in another city and did not come home often, but even then we received very little from him. Then he came home in February, as it were, on vacation, but he himself remained at home, saying that his boss (he is a foreigner) had gone to his homeland for treatment, and until he arrived, my husband had nothing to do at work (my husband was a driver). Then I accidentally found in my husband's hiding place his work book, where it was written that he quit of his own free will. This is how he cheated us from February to June, and now he continues to cheat with his salary. In general, I stopped taking his words seriously. What to do? How to live further? I don't understand anything anymore ...

Unnamed86

Unnamed86, hello! How can I contact you? I feel that you are close to despair, being in a difficult life situation. It is very difficult to feel helpless and lack of financial support in a situation where you are responsible for two children. It seems that you cannot rely on your spouse, and your trust in him is practically lost. You have not written where you live and why it is so bad with work there. Who are you by education and specialty? How old are your children? If I heard correctly, then you and your children live in the same house with your father-in-law and mother-in-law, who partly provide for your family. At the same time, the main income is from the father-in-law, right? You and your mother-in-law also make money and contribute to the family budget, but this is not enough. My husband has not brought money for over a year, as I understand it. Could you try to clarify how your big family still exists: who buys the groceries? Who pays utility bills? Who does household chores (cleaning, laundry, cooking)? Who buys clothes and toys for your children? What means do you wear? How does your husband eat? Does he spend time at home or does he live separately?

Does your husband have some kind of addiction? Alcohol, drugs, gambling, something else? What do you know about where he spends the money he receives from his mother? What do you know about his current job? Does he tell you why there is no salary? What do you think about its peculiarity to spend more than to earn?

You have not written where you live and why it is so bad with work there. Who are you by education and specialty?

Click to Expand ...

Good day! I live in Turkmenistan, but I am Russian. I have a secondary special education in communications. There are no vacancies in the specialty. It is not easy to get a job here, you need to know the languages ​​and not only Turkmen, but also English. And that's not all, I can't even get a job as a janitor without an entry fee. And I just can't afford it.
My children, son are 12, and my daughter is 9 years old. They are nice, smart. But it is only necessary to develop further, and this, as you understand, is also in no way without investing money ...

If I heard correctly, then you and your children live in the same house with your father-in-law and mother-in-law, who partly provide for your family. At the same time, the main income is from the father-in-law, right? You and your mother-in-law also make money and contribute to the family budget, but this is not enough.

Click to Expand ...

Yes, everything is correct, we live next door to them (our apartment is on the 3rd floor, and our parents are on 2), but we have only one pocket, we eat together, our parents only go to sleep. Father-in-law always earned not bad money, only now he is very nervous due to interruptions in work, because my husband does not bring money, and there is no confidence in the future. Today there is earnings, but tomorrow it may simply not be. And I understand him, of course, but how he then starts to scandal ... At least run from the house. My mother-in-law and I earned 600,000 Russian rubles in a year, which in terms of ours is a pretty decent amount. True, we are forced to give most of it to the father-in-law, since we purchase and send goods with his money. We leave ourselves somewhere in the third part. And why do we keep it to ourselves, you ask without his knowledge? In order to pay off the debts of my husband, for the past cheerful life. But he takes such sums so often that we do not have time to invest to the father-in-law, and I generally keep quiet about the rest of the debts.

Does your husband have some kind of addiction? Alcohol, drugs, gambling, something else?

Click to Expand ...

Yes, he had drug problems (tramadol), but that is already in the past. It is easy to determine this by his condition, so I say this with confidence. He does not drink a lot and not often.

What do you know about where he spends the money he receives from his mother?

Click to Expand ...

Basically, he spends them on repairing our car, but he does it in secret from his father-in-law, because he is categorically against giving money (my husband let out too much at one time).

What do you know about his current job? Does he tell you why there is no salary? What do you think about its peculiarity to spend more than to earn?

Click to Expand ...

Yes, in general, I practically do not know anything about her, only from his words. He says that he was transferred to the same company as the driver that the object was taken here. I read about this company on the internet, it is really starting to build a carbamide plant, but whether my husband works there, I'm not sure. I asked him to show him a work book with a record of hiring him, he said that he would show it later. When he worked for this company in another city, he had a special pass, a plastic card. You see, there was confirmation, but now you have to take only a word. While he “drove around” he deceived so many times, and so subtly, we unconditionally believed him. When deception after deception was revealed, naturally they stopped believing and we still doubt his every word. How many mother-in-law and I tried to learn something from him, and in an amicable way, and scuffled to no avail. Everyone starts to get nervous, he slams the door and leaves. Then he swears that everything will be, that he has tied up with his past life. When I married him, he carried every penny home, never sat with friends in taverns, tried to pamper us with something tasty. What happened to him later, we still cannot understand. How it rolled down, what served it, I do not understand. He always loved to spend, but he also earned.

Could you try to clarify how your big family still exists: who buys the groceries? Who pays utility bills? Who does household chores (cleaning, laundry, cooking)? Who buys clothes and toys for your children? What means do you wear? How does your husband eat? Does he spend time at home or does he live separately?

Click to Expand ...

We buy products with the money received from the sale, we have to exchange them. My husband's grandmother still lives with us, we pay for electricity from her pension, they don't take much for gas from us, they just introduce payment for water and that's it, well, also for a home phone and the Internet. Household chores, I do almost everything, only my mother-in-law sometimes walks with me for groceries, but basically everything is on me. Children have to buy clothes from the same money that my mother-in-law and I get. We deny ourselves practically everything, we just really don’t have enough money for everything. Much is spent on medications, my son has problems with the nervous system. My husband is not picky about food, what we cook eats. He is rarely at home, he comes after 19.00, but at the same time during the day he can come almost at any time, if we need it, he rarely refuses. Here's another reason to doubt if it works or not.

Unnamed86



Unnamed86, for me there is still a lot of incomprehensible things about your budget. I will write that I understood:
You and your mother-in-law have a small business, you take money from your father-in-law to purchase a product, then you sell it and your profit for the year is about 200 thousand (a third of the amount indicated by you). With this money, you and your mother-in-law buy food for a family of 7, clothes for children and medicine for your son, as well as pay off your husband's debts. You pay for the communal services from your grandmother's pension.
Question: is the father-in-law's earnings somehow used in the family budget? You have not indicated this moment.

It is not entirely clear whether the amount of the husband's debt has been fixed at the moment or is it constantly increasing? To whom are these debts? How is their return: do you give the money to your husband, and he pays off the creditors himself, or do you have some kind of control over the process?
The same question about money for car repairs: is there a way for you to make sure the money goes there?

What part of the family's total expenses is paying off the husband's debts?

Click to Expand ...

Question: is the father-in-law's earnings somehow used in the family budget? You have not indicated this moment.

Click to Expand ...

The father-in-law insists that his salary cannot be withdrawn from the card. Only when he himself comes home from work, then begins to dispose of them. Most importantly, he encourages us to save money, which is what we do all the time (I mean food and clothing), and he himself knows how to do it not painfully. He works in another city, where food prices are slightly higher than where we live, so the difference is not significant, and he is always horrified at how expensive everything costs him there, but at the same time he does not want to understand that he is alone there, but here is a family out of 6 people and no matter how we save, a lot of money is spent on everything about everything. He also has n sum in y. F. And this is where the problems begin. In order to buy a product, we have to exchange money for local money, the main amount goes to the product, and the remainder has to be spent on groceries. The ones that my mother-in-law and I earn, or rather the part that remains to us, is not enough. We have to quietly take from the father-in-law, from the new parish we invest (just a vicious circle of some kind), and then we have to take it again, since there is no parish from the husband. At the same time, the husband regularly takes to the car, something really goes to her (you can hear it by the sound), but of course we cannot check the rest.

It is not entirely clear whether the amount of the husband's debt has been fixed at the moment or is it constantly increasing? To whom are these debts?

Click to Expand ...

No, the amount does not increase, but it practically does not decrease either. Debts are mainly to relatives. They stopped giving to my husband to pay off debts, taught by bitter experience. The only debt that we paid in full in court, but again took from our father-in-law and also secretly. There was just such a moment, we paid monthly for 2.5 years. The total amount of debt in court was $ 7.245 (this is another story), so for the whole time we paid about 2000, and then the plaintiff put forward favorable conditions, it was necessary to pay another 850 in a short time and the case will be closed. If we had not paid, it would have dragged on for another 13 years, because we could not contribute a large amount, besides, my husband did not pay a penny himself, and my mother-in-law and I were so tired of these endless inventories of property, of hassle and fear father-in-law (he still doesn't know anything about it). And debts to relatives appeared when my faithful drug addict.

What part of the family's total expenses is paying off the husband's debts?

Click to Expand ...

As I said above, we were able to fully pay only one and there was still $ 650 left with $ 200. The rest we haven't even started yet.
Sometimes I have a wild desire to get into a taxi and follow my husband in order to understand where he is going, but I’m afraid to be exposed. I don't know if it's worth doing this ...

Unnamed86

From what I've heard so far, I got the impression that you are actually in a vicious circle and are not moving anywhere in terms of changing the situation: debt does not decrease, income does not increase, and you, as Alice in Wonderland, need a lot run quickly to stay put.

Probably, you are accustomed to this mode of life and it is scary and painful for you to imagine that something can change. However, such a regime seems to have become your constant reality, and if you do not decide at some point that you have enough, everything will continue like this, you will lose strength and in the end you may get sick or something worse.

Perhaps it was this perspective that brought you to the forum. If this is true, then I recommend thinking about how long you will last, do you think?

Unnamed86, what do you expect to see following your husband? Or what are you afraid to see?

Click to Expand ...

I’m not that afraid, I don’t want to convict him of something. I wanted my husband to tell himself, because it is very difficult to live without trusting. Father-in-law, no matter how crazy, but he is in full view. How can I learn to communicate with my husband so that he trusts me? I forgave him a lot, both drugs and treason (in general, the debt about which we paid in court, I said in a previous letter, was his mistress). I had no other men besides him, I am morally very attached to him. Now he seems to be changing for the better, he has become interested in children, and the other day he even brought some money (albeit for a medicine for his grandmother) and promises more. It's just that next week our daughter will go to the gymnastics championship and there will be no small expenses, but he promised to do everything for this. I know that his outlook on life has changed, of course I had to go through a lot. On the other hand, if we are a family, then we must go through all the hardships together. Many women turn their backs on their husbands, drug addicts, I understand everything they have no excuse, but not everyone wants to get them out of there. After all, if a woman has a child who is a drug addict, she does not leave him, and why should her husband be abandoned? Or am I not right?