The moral meaning of the commandment to honor parents. Holy Fathers: Relationship to Parents
The nature of this mitzvah
The obligation to respect and honor the father and mother is at the core of Jewish tradition. It closes the first five of the Ten Commandments, located on the first of the two tablets and devoted to the relationship between man and the Creator, and is not included in the last five commandments, which legitimize relations between people. Hence, the sages say, we teach that honoring parents is comparable to honoring God Himself.
Respect for parents is also associated with respect for the Almighty because the Torah considers Gd and parents as partners in the creation of a child (because the Creator gives the child a soul, and parents - flesh: He gives a spiritual beginning, and they are his material instrument). Thus, respect for parents is equated with respect for Gd. "Three participate [in the creation of] man: Gd, father and mother.
When a man honors his father and mother, Gd says:
It is as if I am among them, and they honor Me. "
The child is indebted to his parents, physically and spiritually. Parents give life and pass on the inheritance of the Torah to their children. So they become the child's connection with the G-gesture source of revelation.
In short, parents are the roots of the child's physical and spiritual existence. That is why the child is commanded to respect and honor them.
Gratitude
In the heart of the commandment to honor and respect parents is a feeling of gratitude to the child for their participation in the fact that he was born, for their love, care and sacrifice that they show so that he grows up. In other words, the child must learn to be aware of the good that he receives from his parents in order to properly show them respect and honor.
Over time, this ability to be grateful develops into gratitude to Gd.
He (the child) is expected to show them all kinds of respect and do whatever work for them. Because they brought him into this world and worked hard for him during his childhood. When a person has acquired this quality, he will be able to rise to gratitude for all the blessings that the Almighty has shown him, the Reason for his being and the Reason for the existence of his forefathers before Adam.
So, teaching a child to feel and express his gratitude to his parents is the basis not only for respect and honor towards them, but also for love for Gd, which is the essence of religious life. That's why "gakarat" gatov- the feeling of gratitude, the ability to see and remember the good done for you and to be grateful for it - this is emphasized in Jewish morality. And this gives particular importance to the responsibility of parents to encourage children to fulfill the mitzvah of respect and honor.
Difficulties
This does not mean that it is easy to teach gratitude. Young children are naturally self-centered, and it is difficult to communicate the efforts of their parents. From an early age, children get used to rejoicing in all the good things that come from their parents and their devotion, they take it as something natural and self-evident. They often cannot appreciate how much their parents are suffering from them. Gradually, children lose the sense of gratitude that can motivate them to respect their parents.
And even if children realize how much good their parents are doing for them, they can attribute this simply to parental instincts and, on this basis, deny their real devotion and sacrifice, considering themselves completely free from the obligation to feel gratitude to them and bear all the responsibility, which of this stems from.
In addition, all children have a desire to be free, which is necessary for their development. Therefore, many children may perceive the efforts of parents to educate them as an attempt to dominate them. As a result, parental authority can generate resentment and even resistance. Children often find it difficult to accept the constraints and demands of their parents.
Given how difficult it is to teach children to respect and honor their parents, it is especially important to emphasize that we demand it. for their own good and good. That is, we should try not to be annoyed with them and not hurt their feelings when children do not show us the respect we deserve or refuse to obey us. We want our focus to be on the welfare of the child, not on our own feelings.
Therefore, when discussing their disrespectful behavior with their child, parents should be careful not to create the impression in children that we are simply forcing them to respect themselves for our own sake. One way to avoid this impression is to tell the child about his disrespectful attitude towards the other parent. Use the same technique when asking for an apology. For example, a dad might say softly to his son, "Go to mom, apologize to her and ask her for forgiveness."
It is also important to remember that there is a mutual responsibility to respect and honor parents. If children are to respect and honor, then parents have a responsibility to create an atmosphere where it will be easy to do so. Parents are not allowed to overload their children, otherwise it will be difficult for them to respect and honor them. Parents should easily forgive and sometimes ignore childhood disrespect. This is what the main body of Jewish law teaches, Shulchan Aruch.
Parents should not impose too heavy a yoke on their children, expecting too much from them in respect of respect for us, so that it does not become a stumbling block for them. It is better to forgive them and close their eyes to this, because the father has the right not to demand respect for himself.
Rabbi Arie Leib, the eldest son of the famous Hofetz Chaim, talks about his father's approach to raising his children: "We were almost not required to show respect for our parents ... rather, the father treated us like a friend or brother." Parents who do not show proper respect for their children create a strong obstacle to their children's respect. And parents who show enough respect and honor for their children pave the way for their children to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring and respecting their parents. The atmosphere in the home is very important. Mimicking consistent patterns of behavior will always be the most influential form of parenting.
Of course, the relationship of parents to each other also serves as a model. Husband and wife should certainly speak respectfully to each other. This is a mitzvah in itself. But besides this, it is also a model, a standard of behavior in the family. Harsh remarks, criticism, yelling, banter, cut-off and other forms of disrespect between parents tend to affect the behavior of their children. Children are usually very observant and learn by imitation, so it is best to provide them with something worthy of imitation.
Although parental disagreement about parenting is normal, it is not for children's ears. In general, a parent should never criticize the other parent for dealing with a disciplinary or other problem in the presence of children. All disagreements on these issues should be discussed without them.
Spouses are partners in the upbringing process and should be in contact at all times on these issues, supporting each other.
Definition of mitzvah
The mitzvah of respecting and honoring parents is based on two sayings of the Torah:
1. Respect your father and mother ...
2. Fear every one of his mother and father ...
This is how the Talmud explains respect and reverence, reverence ("fear"):
Our teachers taught: What is respect and what is reverence? Respect means that [the son] should neither stand nor sit in his [father's] place, nor contradict his words, nor evaluate his opinions.
And respect means that he should give him food and drink, clothing and shelter, and accompany him when he goes in and out. *
* Do not pay attention to the fact that here and elsewhere it is said in the masculine gender. The duty to respect and honor parents rests with daughters in equal measure, and mothers are entitled to the same respect and honor as fathers. The Mishnah (Jewish law) deduces this from the above words of the Torah.
What has been said should rather be understood not as a rigid definition, but as a clear example. Respect and honor is a position, an attitude, and what was said above is a manifestation of this attitude. These are reflections of inner feelings. Of course, the examples given by the Talmud are full of deep meaning, but the correct fulfillment of these commandments requires much more. All the details of these commitments are "too numerous to list, and too long to discuss." Our sages believe that there is no limit to respect and reverence for parents.
We need to limit ourselves to the aspects of the mitzvah that parents need to be familiar with in order to teach it to their children.
What is reverence?
Reverence (fear) basically means that children understand the exalted position of parents and their dignity and try never to dishonor them in any way. The mitzvah of reverence requires a child to perceive his parents as "king and queen" with whom one must be very careful not to hurt their feelings.
Talachic authorities indicate several expressions of respect:
1. Do not take the place of parents... A child should not stand or sit in a place normally occupied by his parents, both inside and outside the home, such as a synagogue.
2. Do not contradict the words of the parents... A child should not argue with his parents, even when discussing the Torah or in ordinary conversation. This applies only to directly conflicting statements; children are allowed to challenge their parents' opinions on general issues such as the laws of the Torah. At the same time, it is allowed to raise objections to the position of the parents as long as it does not violate respect. For example, if a father says that it is allowed to read a newspaper on Saturday, the son cannot say that it is prohibited. But he can cite other opinions.
Even if the child was accused in vain, he has no right to answer his parents: "This is not true." Rather, he should try to clarify the truth without conflicting, for example, "I can explain how it was."
3. Not evaluating parental opinions... If parents do not agree with someone, children have no right to accept the opinion of one of the parties. They are not even allowed to express approval of their father's position: "My father is right." It is arrogant and arrogant for children to make themselves judges of their parents' opinions.
4. Do not call parents by name... Children are not allowed to call their parents by their first names. But if anyone asks:
"Whose son are you?", It is allowed to name the father's name. Children can also write the name of their parents.
5. Don't wake up your parents... Children are usually not allowed to wake their parents. But if the child knows that now the father would like to be woken up, for example, to avoid financial loss, then it is a mitzvah to wake him up. And also, children should wake up their parents when it is necessary to perform a mitzvah, for example, in order to be in time for prayer in the synagogue.
The Torah warns that anyone who has the slightest contempt for their parents will be cursed. This is what the Rambam says:
Anyone who expresses contempt for their father or mother, even with just a word or gesture, is cursed from the mouth of Gd.
This category includes those who cause suffering and unhappiness to their parents.
What is respect?
The essence of respect is that children have a high opinion of their parents and view them as people of great dignity and importance. Respect is expressed in thoughts, words and actions. First of all, this obliges children to serve their parents, as it should be to serve people worthy and important. They should be attentive to their needs and provide them with all-round assistance, as a servant serves his master.
The obligation to take care of the basic needs of their parents remains even if they do not openly ask for it. For example, if a child knows that his mother is thirsty, he should bring her water. But if this is not one of the basic needs, then it should only be done if they directly ask for it.
From the above definition, which the Talmud gives to respect, we can see that it includes both the satisfaction of the physical needs of the parents, such as food, drink and clothing, and the symbolic manifestation of attention, for example, the mitzvah to accompany the parents when they enter and leave.
This is how the Talmud speaks vividly about the nature of this ministry:
Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel said: “I served my father all my life, but did not achieve even a hundredth part of the respect that Itz-hak Eisav showed. Because I served him in dirty clothes, and when I went about my business, I changed into clean clothes, and Eisav always dressed like a king when he served his father. "
Clearly, true respect goes far beyond the purely physical act of serving one's parents. It is also important to do it in an appropriate way, with desire, care and intelligence.
Obedience
Although there is no general statement about the need for obedience, it is undoubtedly an integral part of respect and reverence. A disobedient child who directly contradicts the expressed will of his parents or refuses to do what they ask is disrespectful and therefore violates the commandment of reverence: "If a son does not obey his father, it is like he is opposed to him." And there is an opinion that the fear of violating the will of the parents is part of reverence.
On the other hand, much that parents ask their children to do, such as helping with the household or going somewhere, is a ministry that parents benefit from, and this submission is a form of respect. Rabbi Akiva Eiger points out that even when it is not a personal favor, giving parents a sense of satisfaction that their wish has been fulfilled is an exercise of the mitzvah to respect the parents.
Teaching this commandment
If children are to show proper respect and reverence for their parents, they need to be taught the laws of keeping this commandment. Ideally, the child should learn this in school. Regardless of how parents emphasize their concern for the child and how objective they are at the same time, children can still feel that they are required to respect and respect solely for selfish reasons. It will always be uncomfortable for parents to say, "This is how I should be treated." These things are easier to teach to outsiders.
However, parents should, without any hesitation, explain aspects of a mitzvah if they feel it is necessary.
Teaching reverence
Parents should be taught to show respect to themselves, even to the smallest children. This is important not only for the relationship between parents and children, but also for the development of the correct attitude of children towards the people around them. By communicating with the mother and father, the child learns to behave with all people. Moreover, if parents allow their children to develop bad habits while they are young, it can be very difficult to change them when they become adults.
But no matter how hard we try to be a worthy example, showing respect for our children, they will sometimes behave disrespectfully towards us. Unfortunately, the environment provides them with too many examples of misbehavior. And besides, every child is sometimes unhappy with his parents, who forbade him to do something or ordered him to do something that he does not like. In such cases, he may behave disrespectfully.
If we are to deal effectively with this behavior, we need to learn to see the situation objectively. This means that you need to stop reacting to it with anger ("How dare you talk to me like that!"), Resentment ("How awful that my own son that is how he treats me! ") or guilt (" What have I done wrong that my child shows me such disrespect! "). Instead, we should think about the child's welfare:
"This behavior is bad for my child. I need to figure out how to solve this problem." However, the feelings of the parents will not necessarily be completely neutral. Sometimes we need to show what the child has done to us unpleasantly, and this is enough to make him regret. Maybe it's enough to call him by his name gently with a slight disappointment on his face. Or calmly tell him (just do not do it often) that you feel bad because of his words, and this can also have a good effect on him.
For a small child, even a slight reproach, expressed calmly and lovingly, is usually enough.
Taking the child's pen in your hand, you can simply say:
"You're not supposed to talk to your dad (or mom) like that."
Small children can hit their mom sometimes. Usually, children are so simple to play or test the mother's reaction; sometimes it can be an expression of anger. But whatever the cause of childhood anger, it should not be tolerated. And you can't hit the child in response (even just showing how the mother feels at the same time), you just need to calmly say "No" to the child, raising your finger to emphasize it. And if he continues, you need to react more harshly. Take the child by the hand or turn his face to you and sternly, very seriously say: "You it is forbidden beat your mother. ”Usually, after that, children do not repeat such things for a long time.
And with an older child who is being disrespectful, it's effective to ignore it at first. Suppose your child comes up and says demandingly, "Why don't I have clean socks?" We do not react, but turn around and do something else. But if the child continues about the socks, you can calmly answer him: “Do you know why I don’t answer you? Maybe you don’t understand this, but you are disrespectful to me. You cannot complain to your parents in this way. Now, if you need clean socks , and in the box they will not be, how will you come up and ask about it politely? " (If you didn’t react the previous time, you can say, “I didn’t correct you last time, but from now on, I’ll point it out to you.”)
Likewise, you should not react to a child who yells at his parents at the first moment. When he calms down a little, the parents may say, paying attention not to raise their voices: “I understand that you were upset, but you know not to yell at me. You can say that you are upset and you are- it worries, but speak to me calmly. "
Pay special attention to the fact that you should not make excuses or put forward any explanations when the child complains to you in a disrespectful way. Parents are often forgotten in such cases and begin to argue with the child. They do not realize that by not paying attention to their disrespect, they are thereby authorizing it. To behave as effective educators, we must leave the topic that the child brings up for a while and focus on disrespect first. For example, a child may complain while eating: "You always give him first!" And here you can answer: "I see you are unhappy, but you can't talk to me like that. What should you say instead? - (pause): Mom, could you sometimes give me first?" And the younger one may begin to grumble: "Why do the parents of (such and such a boy) allow him to buy what he wants when he goes to the store, and you won't let me?" The parents' first reaction should not be self-defense, like the explanation "This is the way it is in our house." Instead, they should calmly tell the child that this is not the way to complain about the parent's decision. Explanations and comparisons are appropriate only after the topic of disrespectful speech has been brought up. Children can be asked about something, but not at a time when they say that their parents are doing wrong.
And do not let the children off such careless remarks towards you: "Okay, okay, I've already heard."
One mother describes the effect on her eleven-year-old girl's disrespect that she learned to correct her rigorously but lovingly.
Esther grew bolder and bolder. She spoke to me as if I were a child too, or worse, as if I could simply be ignored. She complained about my cooking, about asking her to help around the house, or to clean her room — about everything. Once I hit her hard in the face, after which I felt just awful. It was unpleasant for me to be with her. In our weekly group meeting, I was told that I should take her hand and say something like, “You have a very bad habit of talking to dad and me in an unkind and disrespectful manner. I know you can control yourself. I'm sure you don't like being like that. " And it really worked - especially the fact that I was holding her hand. Esther was greatly influenced by this. She began to apologize. She told me that she knew she was behaving wrong, but "I just couldn't help myself." And I began to assure her that although it is difficult, she may well learn to control herself. To do this, you only need to change this bad habit. Esther was really upset. And before that, when I screamed, she just screamed back and behaved even worse.
When children learn to respect, they often feel upset and regret that they previously behaved in a wrong way. In such cases, reprimands and remarks are not needed. It is enough to tell the child: "I know you are upset that you talked to me like that." The more children become aware of their disrespectful behavior, the more often they themselves begin to say that they regret the way they used to behave.
Sometimes parents unwittingly themselves exacerbate the problem of disrespect when they argue with a child who contradicts them. Remember that children cannot directly contradict their parents. One must be very careful not to induce further violations. For example, if the child replies to what the parents said: "Not true." There is no arguing here, allowing disagreement to grow into a debate where parents and children take turns defending their positions. Often the best way to deal with a situation is to pause without answering. And if you immediately correct the child, telling him: "You contradict me," - this most likely can lead to a feeling of resentment.
It is better later, when the self-defense reaction has completely weakened, to correct the child for disagreeing with us. And it should be done with love, without a shadow of criticism or revenge. It is an opportunity to shape appropriate ways for children to express disagreement. The father can explain: "This is how you can tell if you think I said wrong:" Dad, you said that Aunt Rivka would come on Monday. And I think I heard she said she would come on Tuesday. "
Remember, the key to correcting a child's disrespectful attitude is to speak quietly and calmly. This is how we express our love and care, and this is our most powerful weapon in changing children's behavior.
But if the child's disrespectful behavior becomes more serious or persistent, it may be necessary to resort to punishment (see chapter 5, “Punishing disrespect”).
Respect training
Parents should provide opportunities for their children and encourage them to do something for them. They should not hesitate to ask the child to bring them, for example, a glass of water, or to go on an errand. It is good when the father asks the child to do something for the mother, and vice versa. For example, the mother may say, "Please take Daddy the glass of tea I made for him."
A natural opportunity to train children to observe this mitzvah is regularly provided with meals. A quiet Saturday meal is especially suitable for this. Recently, we were visiting a house where there were two small children, a boy of four and a girl of six, and they served food with pride and joy throughout most of the Saturday evening meal, without visible help from the mother. Most of all, the impression was that the children did not need to talk about anything, they did everything themselves, including cleaning the dishes after each meal change. Of course, children need to be brought to this level, but the results achieved in the process of long-term preparation more than pay off all the efforts made for this.
Obedience training
As previously stated, obedience is one aspect of the mitzvah to respect and honor parents. It is also a tool that allows parents to coach their children to help them gain the self-control they need to develop other positive character traits. Ultimately, obedience to parents teaches children to obey God, which is the foundation of Jewish life.
But as important as obedience is, it cannot be taught by violence and coercion. Parents who just insist "You should to do this, "sooner or later they will inevitably face resistance. Although the law of the Torah requires obedience from children, parents who rightfully demand this from their children - often reminding them of their duty - only encourage them to resist. children to obey the force, we will inevitably lead them to rebuff.
How can we motivate children to obey? Rabbi Simcha Wasserman points out: "We cannot force people to do what we want, but we can induce people to at least do what we want." This is the answer. We must focus our efforts on instilling in children a wish obey us. But this desire for cooperation can arise only if the parents' requirements are based on love and care, sincere respect, patience and moderation.
CARE FULL OF LOVE
Children immediately feel if parents are demanding obedience for their own sake. And then the child learns from their example to put his own interests first. But if parents are successful in self-nurturing, their first motivation becomes genuine concern for the well-being of the child. And when children feel so caring for themselves, full of love, it prompts them to submit to us, simply because they know it is for their own good. Then, in any case, they are sure that every our demand has their interests in mind, it is for their sake.
HONEST RESPECT
Parents should treat their children with the same respect they want for themselves. The sages teach: "Let the honor of the disciple be as dear to you as your own." In this regard, Rabbi Shimshon Refael Tirsch explains that parents who demand respect and submission from their children, but do not show respect for the dignity of their children, are making a mistake. "
PATIENCE
Sometimes the stubbornness of children is associated with resentment of the irritation that we show when they do not fulfill our desires. Learning to control your negative reactions is an important element in teaching children obedience.
In particular, the softness and tenderness of our voice helps to arouse the child's desire to cooperate with us. In Ramban's classic letter to his son, Igeret Ramban, he writes, “Always speak to people without raising your voice,” and explains that this prevents anger from arising. A soft voice calms, creates a peaceful state in which the child is ready to do what we ask. If we ask calmly, we also show strength; it becomes clear that we are in control of ourselves and the whole situation. Parents who work to learn how to lower their voices say it has a tremendous effect on the behavior of their children. Here is what one of the mothers says:
Now, when I use my new art with my 3-year-old son, I feel much more in control of the situation because I can induce him to do or not do exactly what I want. All I need for this is to gently repeat my demand (if necessary several times) and gradually he begins to obey.
MODERATE REQUIREMENTS
Children do not like to do what their parents want if they have excessive demands. Children should be given assignments
thoughtfully, within reasonable limits. If they are controversial or too difficult, the parents become dictators. Rabbi Tirsch writes:
Never ask children to do something that is optional and unimportant, and also do not refuse them a trivial and painless request. But if you give some order, you must insist on its implementation, and if you refused his request, do not yield to any pressure from the child ... Be careful with the word "No!" Let your child do (and have) whatever you authorize him to do, provided that it is not a threat to his physical or moral existence ...
The way we prohibit or permit, and the joy with which we give the child the freedom to do what pleases him, show him that prohibition and permission are not expressions of mood and caprice, desire to rule or simple stubbornness, but the result of our serious reflection.
Children become stubborn and rebellious when we impose unnecessary restrictions on them and make them too demanding. If we want children to become obedient, we must lower our demands. That is, we must learn to stay calm and not get nervous about every thing that is going wrong, but differently. We must learn to think about the welfare of children first, not about our immediate needs. When we gain more inner peace and stop expecting perfection, we will be able to ignore many things. Then there will be no need for so many restrictions for our children. And if we learn to speak softly and softly, we can help ourselves stay calm.
GO TO THE END
According to Rabbi Tirsch's advice, when we ask a child for something, we must be sure that he will do it, and when we deny him what, in our opinion, we should not give him, we must stand on it, as it were he was not trying to force us to change our minds. Sometimes there is a temptation to ignore disobedience in order to avoid conflict. But this undermines our credibility. For example, if we say to a child: "You cannot stand on the seats of buses," but he still becomes, and we ignore it, then this is how we teach him that we can not obey. If we want the child to take our words seriously, we must always go all the way.
We are minimizing our requirements not to allow more resolution, but to give these requirements more strength and meaning.
Finally, in order to effectively restrain our children, we need to know what to expect of them according to their age and developmental level. Parents who are unsure about this should discuss such issues with other, more experienced parents.
START IN BABY
Wise parents make sure that by the time the child begins to crawl, there are no objects in the house within his reach that easily break and pose a danger to him. But sooner or later, we have to teach him that there are things he has to deal with himself.
We cannot stop a child by simply telling him "no", at least at first. He must find out what the word means. It is best, as soon as he goes to some forbidden object, quickly approach and transfer the child to another part of the room. As you do this, tell him "no", seriously, but without the threat in your voice. And give him something else to distract him. But if he continues to try to take this item, take him out of the room and say calmly: "Mom (Dad) said" No "". Do not threaten, do not shout, do not frighten, do not hit the child. Calm and firm action is all it takes. The child just needs to be taken to another part of the house for ten minutes or to keep him busy with a game before he returns to where he was. The child barrier at the door is good for letting him out, and at the same time, it allows him to be watched over. You can repeat this procedure several times, but if you remain patient and calm during this training period, the child will gradually learn to obey your no.
Parents often think that children are deliberately showing disrespect to them. They notice the looks that they give them, and on this basis come to the conclusion that the children understand what they are doing. But most likely they just want to see the reaction of their parents. And the main thing is consistency in circulation, then there will be no reason for such testing.
Naturally, we can expect some damage to our property while the child is still young. Our reaction at this point is critical. Expressing serious regret makes a deep impression on the child. It is better to say with a slight sadness: "Dad's book is torn - now he cannot read it", or "The plate is broken - I will have to buy a new one."
When you take a prohibited item from a child, try to give him something in return. Tell him: "You can't play with this, but here's another toy for you."
Of course, if we are talking about a real danger, then, teaching children to avoid it, you need to take urgent and much more decisive action. A harsh word and even properly used physical punishment are good. For example, if a child who is just starting to walk ran out into the street, you can rush after him shouting "No!" and give him a good spank while doing it. Whatever you feel, do not show your anger and fear, let the child see only a deep concern for his safety. And when you're already on the sidewalk, you can say seriously and impressively: "The street is a dangerous place. Cars can hurt you. Never do that."
It is relatively easy to teach a child to stay away from hot objects. The first time a child comes close to something hot, take his pen and quickly and easily touch the hot surface with it, repeating: "Hot, hot, hot!" One or two of these demonstrations is usually enough to get the child to retreat when they say "Hot!"
Another problem in coaching toddlers who are new to toddlers is walking and shopping. As long as the child is in the stroller, everything is fine. But as soon as he is taken out of there, he begins to walk wherever his eyes look. Calling him to your place is often useless. This situation requires decisive action.
The mother should take the baby and place her hand on the handle of the stroller. If he runs away anyway, it is better to calmly put him back in the stroller for a while. You can give him another chance in ten minutes. His crying should be completely ignored, with the exception of short addresses to him: "I'm sorry, but now you have to sit in the wheelchair for a while."
Likewise, there is absolutely no need to raise your voice or argue when the child does not want to go home from the park. To give your child time to get used to the thought, briefly warn them, "We have to go home in a couple of minutes." And when the time has passed, tell the child in a friendly tone: "Well, we are already going." Pick him up and take him away or put him in a stroller and walk without further ado. He may scream and kick in protest, but don't let his screams affect you.
WHEN A CHILD REFUSES TO LISTEN
Parents should be careful not to overreact to a child's "No". Young children often say this to shock their parents. It is best to avoid any explanation and not try to reason with your little one, instead ignore it completely, as if he hadn’t said anything. For example, if you say to a child: "Well, let's go, it's time to swim", and he answers you "No", just start undressing him and put him in the bath.
Parents can make their childhood life much easier if they don't ask them, "Do you want to (have dinner) (get dressed)?" You just need to start a daily routine and that's it. It also helps to be tactful. If your one and a half year old is busy making a popcorn necklace while eating, you can bring him some balls on the table and then pick them up when you hand him the spoon. As the child grows older and is less distracted, you can try to give him friendly early warning before interrupting the activity.
When parents gain confidence in their ability to cope with their child, they will no longer panic about his "No". They will maintain their authority, but calmly. (For more on this, see Chapter 3.)
HOW TO DEVELOP A CHILD'S HABIT TO LISTEN?
When children begin to walk normally, we expect more from them. And our methods of realizing these expectations are becoming more subtle. Now just say "No!" and taking the child to another room is no longer good. At this stage, the task of parents is to achieve complete obedience of children, without forcing them.
In order for the child to get used to obeying, he should be given the opportunity to do it on his own. By forcing the child to obey, we will teach him little, this method should be left as a last resort. For example, if a child eats all sorts of things, knowing that he is not allowed to take it, then it is better not to take it from him right away. A child can learn obedience only when he has a choice. Give him the opportunity to choose between carrying sweets and self-control. He can only be deprived of this choice if he repeatedly breaks our rules. But even then he sometimes needs to be given new opportunities to behave as expected. For example, you might say, "I am putting sweets back in the buffet. Let's see how you can control yourself."
DEPRIVATION OF PRIVILEGES
On the other hand, parents should not hesitate to take away privileges from a child if necessary. For example, a child who has refused to do some homework may be able to ask for candy. You can say to him: "You will take it when you fulfill my order." You can not let the child and listen to music or go to a friend. Sometimes you have to resort to such measures, and they are very effective. Here is how one of the mothers tells about it, who used to shout at her child, and then began to act more firmly and to the point.
We just finished eating. Three-year-old Menachem tossed the remnants of the fish from his plate onto the floor. The other children took oranges and left the table. When Menachem went to get an orange too, I decided that this was the right moment to try the "new method". “When you pick the fish off the floor, Menachem, you can take an orange,” I said, closing the refrigerator. Menachem looked at me searchingly, went to the refrigerator, opened it and took out an orange. “When you pick up your fish from the floor, you can take an orange,” I repeated, taking the orange from him. I decided that I would remain calm and would not yell at him or pick him up from the floor myself, as I had done before. Another attempt by Menachem, and another test of the firmness of my decision. And then Menachem looked at me slyly, picked up the fish and said: "0" kay, now can I take an orange? "It was an inspiring start.
HOW TO GIVE INSTRUCTIONS?
Many “do” and “don’t” that we do not skimp on during the day, you can not talk if you give the child information that will help him figure out what to do. For example,
"Dirty shoes are left outside." "Things that are thrown on a chair are crumpled." "Your pants are down."
You can also tell what needs to be done without putting yourself in the center of the statement. For example, instead of "I want you to go to bed" - "Time to sleep." Instead of "I want the room to be cleaned" - "The room needs to be cleaned." Speak calmly, but without hesitation, using a minimum of words. Let your manner of speaking be passed on to the child from whom you are waiting for consent.
When children need to be stopped, there is no need to warn or threaten them. Set boundaries calmly but firmly; and when possible, briefly state the reason. Here are some examples:
"They don't jump on the couch - it spoils the material."
"I can't let you run around the bus stop - it gets in the way of other people."
"You can not throw sand - it can get someone in the eye."
If the children are not listening, do something to stop them. For example, if your child is running around a bus stop, sit next to you or hold your hand. The little one who has not yet learned how to walk well and throws sand should be taken out of the sandbox and calmly said: "Go, let's better sit next to me on the bench." And if necessary, hold it back a little so that it does not come back.
HOW TO MAKE CHILDREN FIT WHEN THEY NAME?
Many parents have a problem that children do not come up to them when they are called. If they do not fit the third time, the parents themselves go to them, shouting: "How many times must I shout for you to come up!" Although this leads to some results, children, unfortunately, learn to ignore their parents until they cry.
In order to teach children to approach when we call them, we must first of all learn to control our angry reactions ourselves. To do this, it is necessary to identify and change the thoughts that cause our anger. For example: "I shouldn't call him so many times for him to come up. He should come up right away!" We must be tolerant of children's behavior while working to change it.
Make it a rule not to call your child more than once. If he didn’t come up, do not continue to call him, but go up to him yourself and say calmly: “When I call you, you must come up right away” or “You know, I called you”. Sometimes a calm reprimand is appropriate: "You have no right not to pay attention to me when I call you!"
Naturally, we must give the child a moment and not expect him to appear at the same moment. We can explain to him that if he finds it difficult to approach right away, he can shout back, "Just a minute, please." Even if the child is playing outside the house, we should not keep calling him. It may be uncomfortable for us to leave the house, but we must be willing to endure some inconvenience in order to achieve our educational goals.
ATTRACT THE ATTENTION OF THE CHILD
Parents should avoid giving directions by shouting from one end of the house to the other. Many children then learn to imitate the cries of their parents. If we really want to gain the attention of our children, we must take the time to talk to them face to face. Then we hardly have to repeat what we say.
If your child acts like they can't hear us, you don't always need to repeat yourself. Instead, it’s better to find out what he understood from what we said. For example:
Mother: Naomi, please take the laundry out of the washing machine and put it in the dryer. Naomi (does not answer and continues reading). Mother (calmly): Naomi, what did I just say? Naomi (looking up): Oh, you asked me to put the laundry in the dryer.
Mother: Right. So please do it now.
REMINDERS
Another way to encourage obedience is through appropriate reminders. For example, we might say to a daughter who constantly puts off what we ask her: "Rivka, clear the table and please don't forget my words about not putting off what needs to be done right away."
CORRECTION AND PUNISHMENT
Correct and timely correction is an important factor in achieving obedience. For example, if a child often refuses to do what is asked of him, we can discuss with him the importance of obedience, explaining that it is part of a mitzvah to respect parents and that willingly fulfilling their requests brings joy to the parents. If a child responds to a request to do something with the words "I do not want", he should calmly say: "You know, children should do what their mother asks and fell." Sometimes we have to resort to discipline to teach our kids to obey us (see Chapter 5 for more on this).
THE LAST WORD
Remember, teaching a child to obey takes time and patience.... It is important that our expectations are realistic. Remember that our children are not angels. Even the most obedient child can sometimes disobey his parents. Don't stir up your anger by thinking, "Why isn't he listening!" On the other hand, do not focus your thoughts on your own mistake ("What is me it’s not okay that I can’t induce him to obey? ”) We must maintain emotional control so that we can calmly decide how to deal with this situation.
V about the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit!
Dear brothers and sisters in Christ! The Holy Apostle Paul writes: may the man of God be perfect, prepared for every good deed(2 Tim. 3:17). In order to be prepared for good deeds, one must learn in the word of God, in the law of God, in order to be able to cognize the holy will of God and to fulfill it. Today I wanted to talk to you about one of the greatest Christian virtues - the honor of children of their parents. Honoring parents is the first responsibility of children... Even in pre-Christian times, it was customary for all peoples - the younger ones always revere and respected the elders. Especially the children of their parents. However, despite all the importance and naturalness of this virtue, to everyone's chagrin, this commandment of God is currently being neglected. We see and hear many cases when children do not show respect to their parents. Not only do they not show respect, but even allow gross insults to their parents. And so, in order to remind about the importance and necessity of this virtue, which is taught by the fifth commandment of the Law of God, we will talk about it today.
First of all, reverence for parents requires nature itself: after all, thanks to parents, children are called to life. And for that alone, they should value their parents. But not only for that. Their parents raised them, gave them an education, looked after them, watched their every step vigilantly, helped when they needed outside help. They endured in their hearts the greatest sorrows, difficulties, illnesses, and, perhaps, wept, grieved over the illnesses of their children, their failures. And, of course, all this teaches children to honor, respect their parents. The apostle Paul writes that love is patient, love merciful(1 Cor. 13: 4). And if some kind of love is longsuffering, merciful, then first of all is parental love. What a father will not forgive his son! Absalom grievously insulted his father, the king and the prophet David, rebelling against him with his worthless subjects. But listen to what David says to his military leaders: save me the boy Absalom(2 Samuel 18: 5). Fatherly love is ready to forgive everything. Even unsuitable, prodigal children. Therefore, children should remember this and try to be grateful to their parents.
All Sacred history teaches us this tender parental love for the children of fathers. Thus, it is narrated that when the sons of the high priest Aaron were defeated by the fire of the Lord, Aaron stood and was silent in sorrow. Let us also remember the cry of the righteous Jacob for his lost son Joseph: with sorrow I will go down to my son in the underworld(Genesis 37, 35), he said. Let us remember how David grieved for his lost son Absalom. He wept and sobbed, and said: my son Absalom! my son, my son Absalom! oh who would let me die instead of you... (2 Samuel 18:33). So David wept and wept. Remember also from the New Testament story, what spiritual sorrow the father's appeal to the Savior, who asked for the healing of his demon-possessed son, was filled: God! have mercy on my son; he rages on the new moon and suffers grievously, for he often throws himself into fire and often into water, I brought him to Thy disciples, and they could not heal him(Matthew 17, 15-16). And also the cries of the Canaanite woman, also addressed to the Savior: have mercy on me, Lord, son of David, my daughter rages cruelly(Matthew 15:22). The daughter suffers, but the mother suffers doubly. So she says: have mercy on me, Lord! This is the tender love of parents for their children. And children should not forget this. Parental children should also respond to this love with mutual, tender love for them.
I will give you another example from civil history, about such an amazing, one might say, all-powerful love of parents for their children. In 390 after the Nativity of Christ in the city of Thessaloniki, by order of the emperor Theodosius, about 7,000 people were killed for a revolt in a circus. At the same time, the guilty and the innocent were executed - it makes no difference. Citizens suffered and foreigners suffered, both small and large. Among others, doomed to death, there was on this unfortunate day a certain man with two boys - sons. When it was their turn, the father convinced the murderers to take pity and at least one son to be pardoned, to keep him alive. The executioners agreed to pardon one, but told the father that he had to make a choice himself: which of the two to keep alive, and whom to kill. It was then that my father's heart wavered. Both sons were dear to him. He felt sorry for both of them. Therefore, he did not make any choice, and all three of them surrendered to the hands of cruel executioners.
Parents suffer when their children experience some kind of grief. In particular, the parental heart is worried, it hurts when children are in illness. At this time, nothing is pleasant to them, nothing pleases them. Only when the merciful Lord raises up their children from illnesses, they sigh with relief, then there is no limit to parental joy. But if parents grieve about the illnesses of their sons and daughters, worry when they are possessed by a bodily ailment, then their hearts grieve all the more when children suffer from a moral, mental illness. This is a double misfortune for parents.
We must honor our parents also for the reason that if we reflect on the very commandment of the Lord, which commands us to honor our father and our mother, we will see that it contains the promise of God. Namely: for their deference, children are promised longevity and prosperity. For irreverence - the brevity of life with all sorts of calamities and misfortunes. History and the illustrative examples that we ourselves observe convince us of the power and justice of the words of God. Indeed, people who treated their parents with respect, cared for them, live to a ripe old age and spend their lives in all prosperity, prosperity. On the contrary, impudent, disrespectful children usually only live to see their days. And they spend their lives in all kinds of disasters and misfortunes.
Honor thy father and thy mother, [so that it may be well with you and] that your days on earth may be prolonged, - says the fifth commandment of the Law of God (Ex. 20, 12); and further: slandering father or mother let him die(Matthew 15: 4). And there are many such examples when a parental blessing brought down grace on the souls of their children. And vice versa - the parental curse subjected the rebellious children to terrible suffering, torment. Blessed Augustine, Bishop of Ipponian, relates an incident. Once in one of the cities of his diocese, a whole family was subjected to such a curse. The mother of nine sons, an old woman, was once very upset by her eldest son, who not only verbally insulted her, but also dared to beat her. The mother, offended and upset by such an act of her eldest son, grieved for her other sons as well: why did they not restrain him and help, didn’t protect her when he stabbed her? And in a fit of such indignation, anger, she cursed all of them indiscriminately. And the judgment of God, the judgment inevitable, has taken place. The eldest son was struck with paralysis on the same day. His hands, and then all the limbs of his body, began to tremble. He was completely exhausted, he could not even walk. The same fate befell all the other sons in just one year. So they, not enduring the shame, not tolerating the shame of their fellow citizens, left this city and wandered somewhere throughout the Roman Empire. Here is a good example, an obvious example, how in speed the judgment of God is carried out on insolent, disrespectful children. This example also convinces us that mothers also sin when they dare to utter such reckless curses on their children. And children are doubly sinning when they force their parents to do such extreme actions - curses.
Yes, you should always remember your responsibilities towards your parents. Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk says in this regard:
Always pay tribute to those who gave birth to you, and you will be a great blessing for this. Remember that your parents are your greatest benefactors. Remember all their sorrows, labors, experiences that they raised during your upbringing. And, remembering this, it is always worthy to thank them for this. Do not offend them, show them obedience in everything. But this obedience must be reasonable. Obedience must be in accordance with the word of God and not contradicting the will of God. Do not do or undertake anything without the advice and blessing of your parents. If your parents are punishing you, if you consider this punishment to be fair, you are really to blame, then bear this punishment with meekness. Because your parents punish you with a good purpose, in order to correct you, so that you are kinder. If you think that this punishment is unjust, you are not guilty, then tell them about it, because you are their child. Do not leave your parents in need, help them, especially in their old age. If you notice any weaknesses, weaknesses of your parents, then be afraid to condemn them, all the more to disclose it to others. Do not imitate Ham, the son of Noah, who, seeing the nakedness of his father, notified the brothers of this. And if you offend your parents in any way, then by all means quickly ask for forgiveness from them. The Word of God commands us to ask for forgiveness from every neighbor who has been offended by us, even more so from our parents, whom we must love and respect more than other people.
These are the instructions of Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk about the attitude of children to their parents.
Children who disrespect their parents are denied the blessing of God. They are deprived of the grace of God. Once the parents brought their son to a certain holy ascetic, who was possessed by an evil spirit that tormented him. The parents with tears asked the reverend father to heal their son with his prayer. But the monk, who treated all those who were suffering very condescendingly, even without any outside request, helping them with his prayer, this time did not show any attention to this young man. He looked at him with displeasure. His parents beg him, but the ascetic says: “Your son is not worthy of healing, and an evil spirit was given to him as a punishment for the fact that he treated you so impudently. He often disobeyed you and acted insolently with you? " The father shook his head and said, "Yes." - "After all, you prayed, asked the Lord to punish him?" - Parents with tears said: "Yes, we really asked the Lord to punish him for his disobedience." - "So let him suffer for his sins." But the compassionate parents with tears fell to the saint, began to pour their tears over his feet, asking him to take pity and have mercy on their dissolute son. And then only the monk, laying his hand on him, prayed, and immediately the boy was healed.
And here is another example of how the Lord punishes irreverent children for their insolence towards their parents. One old mother had an only son whom she loved, whom she raised in the hope that he would be her breadwinner, her support in old age. But the son, when he came to age, with his disrespect, rudeness, insult, often brought her to tears. One day he began to beat his wife. The mother interceded, but in irritation, rage, the son grabbed her by the chest and pressed her against the wall, began to strangle her. And only the moans of his mother, the cry of his wife, the cry of children made him stop and leave the house. And then the offended and grieved mother stood before the icons and said: “Lord, you see how my own ungrateful son does to me, how he pays me for my love and care for him. Cursed be he! May there be neither mine nor yours, Lord, blessing on him. " At the same hour, on the same day, he was struck by a terrible disease. All his limbs relaxed, his hands trembled. Every day his health got worse and worse. He became extremely exhausted, so that even his wife fed him from a spoon, from her hands. In this state, he was repeatedly taken to the saints of God - to Kiev, to other holy places. But nowhere did he receive healing. The Lord did not give him healing.
And now, thirteen years later, he had already become so exhausted, so relaxed that he even lost the gift of speech. Then they decided to call a priest to commune him with the Holy Mysteries. When he received the Holy Mysteries of Christ, the gift of speech returned to him. He summoned all his relatives and children to him and convincingly spoke about how grave the sin of disobedience and disrespect to his parents was, and after these words he died peacefully.
These examples, dear ones, teach us all how we should be careful and attentive to our parents, who gave birth to us, to whom we owe our very life, who raised us. After all, parents in our early childhood, as it were, replace God with themselves. All authority is based on the authority of God, approved by the Lord. Moreover, parental authority is approved by the Lord. Therefore, the Lord fulfills the will of the parents in this case. So, being anticipated about this, dear ones, we will try to fulfill this commandment of God in our life. And we will write on the tablets of our heart:
Asks NellyHonor your father and your mother,
May it be good for you, and may you be long on earth(Ex. 20, 12)
and whoever slanders his father or mother, let him die(Matthew 15: 4).
Alexandra Lanz answers, 18.04.2010
Peace be with you Nelly!
You are asking about the fifth commandment from among those that were written on the tablets of stone. If you are not one of those believers who are convinced that the Law has been abolished, i.e. If you believe that believers still cannot commit adultery, lie, steal, make idols for themselves, etc., as the Decalogue says about this, then I suggest you read some of the best comments that have ever been given regarding the fifth commandment.
"Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord thy God gives thee."
Parents have a right to love and respect that no one else enjoys. God Himself, having entrusted them with responsibility for the souls entrusted to them, predetermined that in the first years of the life of children, parents would be for them instead of God. And the one who denies the legitimate authority of his parents - denies the authority of God.The fifth commandment requires from children not only respect, obedience and obedience to their parents, but also love and tenderness, caring for their parents, preserving their reputation; demands that children be help and consolation for them in old age.
Keeping this commandment also implies respect for servants, those in authority, for all those whom God has given authority. The apostle says: "This is the first commandment with a promise" (). For Israel, awaiting a speedy settlement in Canaan, keeping this commandment was a guarantee of a long life in the promised land, but it has a broader meaning and extends to all of God's Israel, promising those who fulfill it, eternal life on earth, freed from the curse of sin.
"Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long in the land which the Lord thy God gives thee.". This is the first commandment with promise. It must be performed by children and youth, people of middle age and old age.
There is no period in life when children can be freed from the need to honor their parents. This serious responsibility rests with every son and daughter and is one of the conditions for extending their life on earth, which the Lord will give to the faithful.
This is not just a topic unworthy of attention, but a matter of the utmost importance. The promise is subject to obedience. If you are obedient, you will live long on the land that the Lord your God will give you. If you are disobedient, then shorten your life on this earth.
God cannot help those who act contrary to the clear duty set forth in His Word, the duty of children to their parents ... If they disrespect and dishonor their earthly parents, they will not respect and love their Creator.
Many break the fifth commandment. - In this recent time, children have been especially showing disobedience and disrespect, and God in a special way notes that this is a sign of the near end. This indicates that Satan has almost complete control over the minds of the young.
Many do not respect older people. Many children who profess to know the truth, do not honor their parents properly, do not pay them with affection, do not show love for their father and mother, and do not respect them, trying to give in to their wishes or to ease their worries. Many who call themselves Christians do not know how to honor their father and mother, and as a result they will have little idea of how the days on the earth, which the Lord, their God, gives them, are prolonged.
In this rebellious age, children who do not accept correct instructions and neglect teaching have little idea of what their duty to their parents is. It often happens that the more parents do for them, the more ungrateful they become and the less respect the parents are. Children who have been pampered and served always count on this, and if their expectations do not come true, they become discouraged and discouraged. This tendency will manifest itself throughout life; they will be helpless, seek support from others, and rely on others to be supportive and yield to them. And if they meet opposition already as adults, they will consider themselves insulted; so they drag out a miserable existence in the world, barely able to bear their burden, often grumbling and annoyed, because everything seems to them wrong and wrong.
There is no place in heaven for ungrateful children. - ... the receptivity of minds is so dull that they do not take into account the commandments of the holy apostle: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is required by justice." "Honor thy father and mother," this is the first commandment with the promise: "May it be good to you, and you will be long on earth." "Children, obey your parents (yours) in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord."
Children who dishonor their parents, do not obey them, do not take their advice and guidance into account, cannot be accepted on the new earth. A cleansed new land will not be a place for stubborn, rebellious, ungrateful sons and daughters. If they do not learn obedience and obedience here, they will never learn it; the world of the redeemed will not be overshadowed by stubborn, violent, rebellious children. He who breaks the commandment cannot inherit the kingdom of heaven.
You need to show love. - I know children who, as you can see, do not show any affection for their parents, do not harbor love and tenderness for them, which they deserve; but they lavishly lavish their affection and affection on the chosen few. Does God do this? No and no again.
Bring all the light of love and affection to the family. Your father and mother will appreciate these little courtesies you show. Your efforts to lighten the burden and contain every irritable and ungrateful word show that you are not a careless child and that you value the care and love shown to you during your helpless infancy and childhood.
Sincerely,
Sasha.
Read more on the topic "Law, Sin":
"Honor your father andmother ", this is the first commandmentwith the promise: "May it be good for you,and you will be longevity on earth. "
And you fathers don't annoyyour children ... "( Eph. 6: 2-4)
We do not choose parents - this is a rather commonplace phrase, but it is an immutable truth. They are given to us from God.
Someone was born into a family where father and mother were "the rule of faith and the image of meekness" for their children and were able to give a lot to their children as an example of their life and caring upbringing. Someone had a completely different family situation. Why this is the mystery of God's providence, and to grumble about it is as senseless as complaining that we were born in this country, and not in some other country, that we, for example, have gray eyes and light brown hair, and not some -or others. This is a given. But we all have a commandment: "Honor your father and your mother" and a person who fulfills this commandment of love and reverence for parents is promised blessings and many years even here in earthly life: "May it be good for you, and may you be long on earth." ...
Our book is addressed to people who are married and married, and for them, in addition to this commandment, there is another indication of the Holy Scriptures. One priest once remarked that a family man has, as it were, two commandments, which he should be guided by in family life. In addition to the commandment to honor parents, there is another one: “... a man will leave his father and his mother, and cleave to his wife; and there will be (two) one flesh. " ( Life. 2:24) And to fulfill both of these commands requires considerable wisdom.
Not all children leave the parental home smoothly. This has already been discussed in the previous chapter. And every family man needs to choose the proper measure so that the necessary care and respect for the parents is not done to the detriment of the interests of the new family.
One young woman told me that her husband's mother (who is still not old and quite able to work) lives far away from them, in another city. But he wants her son to visit her more often and help her with household chores. Communication on the phone does not satisfy her. A young family is expecting a third child and his wife naturally wants her husband to be at home more often. This woman asked me: "Should a husband in such a situation obey his mother?" Of course, helping parents, communicating with them is our sacred duty, a duty to them. But it must be carried out not to the detriment of your family. Moreover, if the mother does not need emergency help. If parents are seriously ill and cannot take care of themselves, of course, we must make every effort to help them, to make their life easier.
But sometimes parents demand too much from their already grown-ups and family children. It seems to them that children do not give them enough attention and love. It may well be that children, in fact, in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, forget that their parents need their attention.
But taking offense at them and demanding something is also pointless, this will only cause even greater alienation. It is better to invite them yourself, or if there is a need for their help, gently ask them about it. Again, remember St. Abba Dorothea: "Do not seek love from your neighbor ... You better show love for your neighbor." One grandmother constantly complained that her grandchildren had little contact with her, they forgot her. But when she began to help them, sew patchwork quilts for them, provide other assistance she could, the relationship with her grandchildren immediately improved.
The parent-child conflict has two sides: the parents' resentment against their children and the children's resentment against their parents. We often hear about these problems in confession. Either fathers and mothers take offense at their children, or children cannot make peace with their parents for a long time.
Of course, it is sometimes very difficult with parents. They often interfere in the lives of children, try to educate them, although they themselves already have adult children, and in general can create a lot of all kinds of problems. But no matter how parents behave, children need to remember: How we treat them now - in the same way our children will treat us in old age.
Why is the Word of God given such a meaning to honoring parents? Because by honoring our parents, we learn to love and honor God Himself. After all, we are all, first of all, children of God, and even successively through our parents and all ancestors ascend to our Heavenly Father. In the Gospel of Luke, the genealogy of the Savior is given, all his ancestors in the flesh are listed and this genealogy ends with the words: "Adamov, God." ( Luke 3:38) And also the race of each person ends with Adam, who had no father but God.
And therefore, through our parents, we are connected with all generations of our ancestors who have lived before us.
***
Parents expect very little from us: respect, attention and a little care for them. And parental love, as a rule, exceeds children's love, so they are always ready to forgive us. It is absolutely not necessary to do and carry out everything that they advise us, after all, we ourselves have long been adults, but it is absolutely necessary to listen to their words. After all, parents have great life experience and are always guided by love for their children.
Of course, I was very lucky with my parents, they never imposed their opinion on me and did not give me wrong advice, but I didn’t always agree with them, but then, after thinking over parental words at my leisure, I always found something useful for myself.
What to do to those people whose parents are not examples of a moral pious life, is it necessary to honor such parents? The commandment to honor father and mother was given to us from God without any reservations. Although it is difficult for a modern young man, divorced not only from faith, but also simply from normal family traditions, to understand this. In the modern world, reverence for even quite worthy parents has become a rarity.
Parents, of course, are different, but you still need to honor them and, most importantly, pray for them. When we pray for a person, we already show concern for him, it is easier for us to forgive and love.
***
"And you fathers, do not irritate your children ..." ( Eph. 6: 4), Says the apostle Paul to his parents. What annoys adult children? Guardianship, annoying advice, interference with their privacy. Therefore, if you want your relationship with your children to be good, friendship should be avoided. The time of upbringing is over, the children have grown up and your intervention is possible only in the most extreme cases. Sometimes you have to listen to some respectable matron who complains about her son with resentment in her voice. “I tell him, my dear, this is what I say, and that, and I scold him; so that he would go to church, confess and receive communion. " I usually ask: "So what, your instructions help?" “No, just as I didn’t go to church, I don’t go,” she replies. So why then ask, wasting time? Better to relieve pressure and increase prayer for your son. After all, he can protest not at all against the fact that you need to go to church, but against obsessive maternal care. Now about what the grown-up children expect from their parents. Although they have already become adults, they, by and large, want from you the same as childhood. Love and understanding. They want you to rejoice at their successes (because they sometimes unconsciously expect that their parents, as in childhood, will appreciate their success) and support in difficult periods of life. And parents need to act according to the word of the Apostle Paul: "Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep." ( Rome. 12:15)
Honoring parents is the first responsibility of children. Even in pre-Christian times, it was an unshakable rule among all peoples that the younger always respected and respected the elders. Especially the children of their parents.
Respect for parents requires, first of all, nature itself: after all, thanks to parents, we are called to life. And for this alone, mother and father should be appreciated. And not only for that. Parents raised us, educated us, looked after us, watched every step vigilantly, helped when we needed outside help. They have endured in their hearts the greatest sorrows, difficulties, illnesses, and failures. And, of course, all this teaches children to honor, respect their parents.
Scripture contains many examples of parental love for their children. And even the vices of children, their wrong actions, maternal and paternal love can forgive them. Therefore, children should remember this and try to be grateful to their parents. Absalom grievously insulted his father, the king and the prophet David, rebelling against him with his worthless subjects. But listen to what David says to his commanders: save me the boy Absalom (2 Samuel 18: 5), and when Absalom perished, David deeply grieved, wept, wept and said: “My son, my son Absalom! oh, who would let me die instead of you ...(2 Samuel 18:33). Let us also recall from the New Testament history what spiritual sorrow the Canaanite woman's appeal to the Savior was filled with: "Have mercy on me, Lord, son of David, my daughter rages cruelly"(Matthew 15:22). The daughter suffers, but the mother suffers doubly. Therefore, she says: have mercy on me, Lord! This is the tender love of parents for their children. And children should not forget this. Parental children should also respond to this love with mutual, tender love for them.
"Honor your father and your mother, may it be good for you, may you be long on earth", says the fifth commandment of God (Ex. 20, 12). It is noteworthy that this commandment follows immediately after the commandments about love of God. Then there are: "Thou shalt not kill", "Thou shalt not steal" and all the rest. Already from this one can conclude what importance the Lord God Himself attaches to the fulfillment of His will to honor parents. In addition, this commandment is unique for one more reason: it is the only one in which the Lord promises a person something, namely a great reward for fulfilling this commandment already in this life. Think about it: "May it be good for you, may you be long on earth"... The time of our earthly life and the well-being of a person are directly related to the fulfillment of the commandment to honor parents. And it is also said: he who curses his father or mother, let him die (Matt. 15: 4). And there are many such examples when a parental blessing brought down grace on the souls of their children. And vice versa - the parental curse subjected the rebellious children to terrible suffering, torment.
Saint Nicholas of Serbia writes that reverence for parents means that: “Before you knew anything about the Lord God, your parents knew about it. And this is enough to bow to them and give praise and reverence. Bow down and respectfully thank everyone who has known the Highest Good in this world before you. " In support of his thought, he cites an example: “One rich Indian youth traveled with his retinue through the Hindu Kush valley. In the valley he met an old man grazing goats. The beggar old man bowed his head as a sign of respect and bowed low to the rich young man. The young man, quickly jumping off his elephant, prostrated himself before the elder on the ground. The elder was surprised at such an act of the young man, and all his servants were also surprised. The young man said: “I bow to your eyes, which before mine saw this light, the work of the Most High, I bow to your lips, which pronounced His holy name before mine, and I bow to your heart, which before mine trembled from the joyful discovery of the Father of all people on earth - the King of Heaven and the Lord of all. "
What is the right way to honor father and mother? Of course, first of all, love them, be sincerely grateful to them, obey them in everything that does not contradict the will of God, do not judge their actions, be patient with their weaknesses, take care of them until their death, and after their departure from this peace, pray fervently for their repose. All this is our sacred duty to God, to our parents themselves, to our children, who are brought up, first of all, not in words, but in our actions. And, undoubtedly, it is a duty to ourselves if we want our own good in life, as stated in the commandment.
"Practice day and night, son, to honor your mother, for in this way you will learn to honor all other mothers on earth," says St. Nicholas of Serbia. - Truly, children, it is wrong to honor only your father and mother, and not to notice other fathers and mothers. Your reverence for your parents is necessary for you as a school of respect for all people and all women who give birth in pain and bring up their children in labor and suffering. Remember this and live according to this commandment, so that God will bless you on earth. "
Yes, you should always remember your responsibilities towards your parents. Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk says in this regard: “Always pay tribute to those who gave birth to you, and for this you will be a great blessing. Remember that your parents are your greatest benefactors. Remember all their sorrows, labors, experiences that they raised during your upbringing. And, remembering this, it is always worthy to thank them for this. Do not offend them, show them obedience in everything. But this obedience must be reasonable. Obedience must be in accordance with the word of God and not contradicting the will of God. Do not do or undertake anything without the advice and blessing of your parents. If your parents are punishing you, if you consider this punishment to be fair, you are really to blame, then bear this punishment with meekness. Because your parents punish you with a good purpose, in order to correct you, so that you are kinder. If you think that this punishment is unjust, you are not guilty, then tell them about it, because you are their child. Do not leave your parents in need, help them, especially in their old age. If you notice any weaknesses, weaknesses of your parents, then be afraid to condemn them, all the more to disclose it to others. Do not imitate Ham, the son of Noah, who, seeing the nakedness of his father, notified the brothers of this. And if you offend your parents in any way, then by all means quickly ask for forgiveness from them. The Word of God commands us to ask for forgiveness from every neighbor who has been offended by us, even more so from our parents, whom we must love and respect more than other people. "
Children who disrespect their parents are denied the blessing of God. They are deprived of the grace of God. Holy Scripture, numerous examples from our lives teach us how we should treat our parents. After all, parents in our early childhood, as it were, replaced God with themselves. All authority is based on the authority of God, approved by the Lord. Moreover, parental authority is approved by the Lord. Therefore, the Lord fulfills the will of the parents in this case. We will also try to fulfill this commandment of God in our lives.
Alexander Medeltsov