Five common myths about family life. Family relationship myths

The idea for this article came to me after a seminar on systemic family psychotherapy, led by the Family Guru Elena Burtseva. Based on her many years of successful experience working with married couples and my reflections on this matter, I decided to describe 10 common myths about married life that many couples take for the truth.

Myth 1... Similarity and kinship is a constant foundation for a lasting relationship. Many spouses firmly believe that the same outlook on life, interests, principles is a prerequisite in order to live their whole life with their partner. This mythology is well reflected in folk proverbs and sayings from the category "Husband and wife are one Satan", "Two boots - a pair", etc.

And in fact: kinship and a certain conditional identity of a man and a woman is certainly important at the stage of entering into a relationship. This provides a common basis on which to approach and make joint plans for life. However, the family is a dynamic system, and in a married life, at a certain moment, the need for differentiation arises. And it turns out that it is very convenient and interesting to live, for example, in a complementary couple, when different or even opposite traits of partners perfectly complement each other and enrich the marriage!

If it is sacred to believe in this myth, then after living with a partner for some time and discovering that he has other interests and traits that are different from yours, you can panic and decide that you are not on the way, that you are no longer kindred spirits, that marriage has outlived its usefulness ... Alas, many couples can not stand the changes and marriages break up. While living the stage of differentiation and creative adaptation to changing conditions underlies a long and strong family union.

Myth 2... Everything must be done together and divided equally. The exaggerated idea of ​​equality between a man and a woman is at the heart of building relationships according to the principle of "partner marriage".

And in fact: The roles and rights of men and women are indeed equal in marriage, but the exaggerated idea of ​​equality does not take into account the individual characteristics, needs and desires of each. And then, for example, super ideas arise from the category "Since I get up at 7 in the morning, then the spouse has no right to sleep until lunchtime", "If I immediately wash the dishes after me, then the spouse should do the same" the queue to take out the trash, even if the spouse hates this duty "and so on. You can continue a number of such "should equally" yourself.

The family system is designed in such a way that it has a lot of both symmetry and asymmetry. And the device according to the principle "in marriage, everything should be parallel and perpendicular" makes the conjugal union rigid, unable to adapt to the individual characteristics of each. And then one or both partners may experience a feeling of stiffness, tightness, depression. Often, the spouse's unwillingness to "share everything equally" is perceived by the partner as a devaluation, loss of interest and respect. And then it turns out not a union of two different, but loving people, but outwardly "correct" family, in which everyone feels lonely.

It is important to respect and take into account the individuality of each spouse, and then the system itself will flexibly distribute: to whom to take out the garbage, to whom to wash the dishes, sit with the child, etc.

Myth 3... "We have enough of each other. You can get by with a good relationship in a couple, closing the borders of the family from everyone and keeping your love forever!" Each couple goes through certain stages of development, and the first phase of the merger, when the couple cannot breathe each other, and they do not need anyone else, is romanticized and idealized in literature and cinema.

And in fact: the stage of primary merger passes, and if the partners continue to live the myth “I am you, you are me, and we don’t need anyone,” then such an alliance gradually turns into a suffocating, heavy dependent relationship in which aggression (and it is inevitable in any relationship!) will be suppressed and sooner or later will result in some kind of dysfunctional symptom: a lover / mistress, illness of one of the spouses or a child (the most common variant), alcohol / drug / game / food addiction of one of the family members. Hard boundaries, as well as their complete absence, is a sign of dysfunctional relationships.

Flexible, adaptive boundaries allow spouses, while maintaining love and closeness, to live not only within the family, but also outside it: spending time with different people together, visiting, visiting parents, letting friends / girlfriends of a partner into the family for a while and even (horror-horror!) sometimes flirt with other men / women. It is also important to clarify dissatisfaction with your relationship with your partner, without turning small, unclear claims into a large lump of restrained aggression.

Myth 4... The relationship that was in the beginning will remain the same good forever! This myth overlaps with the one written above, but it deserves to be highlighted. Of course, many of us want love to never end, and the relationship continued to delight with bright colors and butterflies in the stomach without any additional effort.

And in fact: the idealized image of conjugal love and the absence of school disciplines in family life are the disease of our century! Today, young people rush into relationships at breakneck speed, hastily build marriages, and as soon as the honey stage passes, they are disappointed and break unions. Alas, in our today's society, the obvious truth that a good relationship is the result of both spouses working on it is completely unpopular! Yes, the idea of ​​working on relationships is devoid of romanticism and is far from a lyrical ideal. But you can jump from one relationship to another all your life, "collecting the cream" of the honey period, but then you must abandon the illusion that in this way you can build a strong marital union for many years. Now the concept of "serial monogamy" has even become popular - when a person does not cheat on his partners, but simply changes them often, repeatedly marrying in his life.

Myth 5(in continuation of Myth 4). You can live in a long-term marital relationship without being disappointed in each other.

The highest degree of maturity of partners and an absolutely necessary condition for a long and happy marriage is the need to live through disappointment in the spouse while remaining in the relationship. Alas, disappointment in a spouse is inevitable, because the initially idealized image of a "prince" or "princess" turns out to be a real living person living nearby. And then it suddenly turns out that "my husband did not reach the heights that I expected from him, he does not provide me as much as I would like", "my wife is not a smiling beautiful creature, but a woman with mood swings, and she has no character always perfect, and she doesn't always look 100%. " The point of frustration in a partner is the most common cause of divorce. Therefore, in our society there are a lot of divorced men and women who prove left and right that "all women are bitches" and "men are goats".

It is important to have a lot of courage to openly face disappointment in a partner, to live it while remaining in a relationship, to creatively reconsider your requirements and vision of each other - then and only then can you build a long-term good marital union. And as a bonus, you will be grateful to your spouse that he accepts your features and will definitely discover in him the features for which you will fall in love with his new, real and living "non-prince".

Myth 6... "The two of us, we are free people and we can build something that will be different from our parents' models." I think comments are unnecessary here)

And in fact: unconscious absolute denial of parental models leads to the fact that the couple, in principle avoiding patterns from parental families, eventually reproduce them in their marriage. Here, the key to breaking the vicious circle is mindfulness. Only an honest analysis of both the strengths and weaknesses of parental relationships allows one to find and appropriate successful “recipes” from the parental family model (and they cannot but exist). And then, relying on this resource already in their relationship, the couple can build something original.

Myth 7(modification of Myth 6). We will build a marriage as good as that of the parents of one of the partners. This myth is from the category "My spouse is from a good family, and mine was not very good, so we will live like his parents"

And in fact: Read about the absolute denial of the models of your family above. There are no “good” and “bad” family models in absolute terms. Each family has its own resources and dysfunctions. And the dependent tendency (that is, the unconditional reproduction of the parental model) is just as dangerous as the counterdependent (that is, building your family according to the principle of denial "if only not like theirs"). This is a false dilemma, and the truth is somewhere in between.

Myth 8... "Our family should be better than a sister / brother / girlfriend / boyfriend." It often happens that a couple seems to "look back" at the families of their surroundings, and are fighting for the championship in the ranking of "best family of the year". This also includes the myth about the constancy of passion and sexual relations.

And in fact: a share of competition and competition is a very good resource to keep yourself in good shape. However, problems begin when the spouses suddenly discover that their marriage is losing in some way to "the family of Sasha and Masha." And then there comes a total devaluation of relations, according to the principle: if we are not the best, then everything is bad with us. And the spouses involuntarily begin to delve into their pair, looking for problems. And if you dig a lot, you will definitely dig something.

Or another variation is possible: sexual relations are an excellent breeding ground for mythology and a good way to devalue yourself. If in a couple at some point sexual relations become less regular, especially against the background of friends' stories about their "super-duper passionate sex in different positions and situations", then the couple may experience an avoidable feeling of shame for their sexual imperfection. And since the topic of sex is very intimate and painful for someone, the spouses do not dare to discuss what is happening, gradually moving away from each other.

In this case, it would be good to ask the question: "Do we have enough ourselves?" And then it may turn out that the couple needs it now, it is more convenient for them, it is good for them that the activity of their sexual life is not off scale now, and they can rely on their desire, and not on "Sasha and Masha." It may be that one of the partners now needs more sex than the other. And this is also important to clarify in order to find a flexible solution together.

In general, there is only one recipe: A good marriage is when both partners feel good, and not when "we are no worse than Sash and Masha."

Myth 9... There are good and bad roles in marital relationships. For example, "I don't want to be a mother for my husband / father for my wife!", "If a husband sits with children in a family, then he is like a woman!"

And in fact: the absence in our society of the necessary educational training in the field of family life puts young spouses in a situation where they can rely only on stereotypes and clichés that society dictates to them. And then any bias in family roles is perceived by the spouses as a deviation from the norm. And the couple lives for some time, perceiving themselves as an "abnormal family", then, more often than not, there comes a divorce and a search for a partner who will correspond to common stereotypes.

In reality, the more freedom a couple has in choosing different roles, the more flexible they are. The main challenge for spouses is to reconsider their needs, determine their benefits from their roles and find their own creative solution. And then it suddenly turns out that the husband, for example, is comfortable at home with the children, while the wife likes to earn money and feel successful, and sometimes it is important for them to play with each other as mothers and daughters, playing the role of a parent or child. And the couple is damn happy, and they don't give a damn about public stereotypes!

Myth 10(tragic). My partner is good if he meets all my needs. Everything I need, I can get in family relationships. This myth is tragic because it is very difficult to recognize it as a delusion rather than true.

And in fact: Yes, it's great when partners can give a lot to each other. Yes, the family is the place where a person can get what he will not get anywhere else. But it is important to realize that even having met your dream partner, you will not go to heaven, and most of your personal "cockroaches", unresolved internal problems and fears will not disappear as if by magic. Each person has his own path and his own responsibility to go through it, overcoming internal resistance. A good partner can go a long way towards lightening the burden and making your life better, but they can't go that way for you. And even being in an ideal marriage (and there are no such things), it is still impossible to solve all your problems only through a partner.

It is important to make the family a backdrop where everyone can meet their individual needs and develop based on their desires.

Dear and dear spouses! Talk to each other more often, find out the desires and needs of each other, look for ways to creatively adapt and choose to live the way your couple likes! And leave clichés, stereotypes and norms of behavior to "Sasha and Masha", as well as to those people who "know how to do it."

Myths about family life are people's misconceptions about relationships and family life. Often these are the beliefs I come across in my work with clients. Here is a list of seven such beliefs.

1. "If we do everything together, we will be close." I had one friend who got married early. The husband is the first man in her life. O., afraid of losing him, made sure that they spent all their free time together. Both of them worked, but all weekends, evenings on weekdays, O. lived only for her husband and only for her husband. O. had no hobbies of her own, relations with her friends were reduced to zero. She pampered him with various dishes of her own cooking, his hobbies became her hobbies. She stopped letting him go to a cafe with friends, thinking with bewilderment: "What does he lack in the family, since he goes to them?" and further continued to fence him off from the outside world, until he began to "suffocate" in these relations.

Every person needs freedom. It is about the spiritual boundaries that each partner should have. If these boundaries are violated, the person does not feel happy. The desire to lock a partner in a cage, the desire to do EVERYTHING with him - has nothing to do with true intimacy. The desire to share your time with your partner completely and completely, locking him in the grip of his "love" is more like an addiction.

2. “We are one whole”, “If we love each other, we are inseparable”, a myth similar to the first. In real life, two people are not a single whole, but He and She, when it comes to relationships. And, as F. Perls said in his wise prayer: “You are you. And I am me. If we meet each other by chance, that's great. " The period of falling in love, where there is a merger with your partner, dissolution in it is an integral stage in the beginning of a relationship, but it harms the relationship in the future if both partners are stuck at this stage and cannot get out of it.

3. "He can change, you just need to try hard." This belief is more typical of women who are trying to change their partner, whatever the cost. They sacrifice everything: time, work, children, to help their man become such, as she sees him in her idealized image. Young girls and women often come to my appointment with a desire to change their partner. They say the following: "What do I need to do to make him stop drinking?" about yourself and your entertainment, how to fix it? " There are a great many such examples. And this is also about violating the boundaries of another person. No one can be forced to think, do, feel something. Until a person wants it himself, he will not change.

4. "If I do not control you in something or our relationship as a whole, they will fall apart." If we take real life, a person, of course, should be responsible for it, control various circumstances of his life, make decisions. A sense of control is one of the conditions for survival. If we talk about relationships, it is simply unrealistic to be responsible for everything in them. The area of ​​responsibility in a healthy relationship is divided 50/50. And each partner bears part of their responsibility for this relationship. If a man, for example, takes on most of the responsibility for this relationship, the take-give balance begins to break. With this imbalance, relationships may not last long. Moreover, the relationship can end for completely different reasons. And sometimes they end because a person simply cannot withstand this excessive control and leaves.

5. "If you recognize the real me / him, you will leave me." Other options: "If I show you my feelings, you will be afraid of them and run away", "Being a vulnerable person is bad." I had a client who thought it was unsafe to show her feelings to her husband. This belief is a consequence of her wounded childhood, where there was a ban on the expression of feelings. Mom was always stingy with emotions and devalued her daughter's feelings when she, when she was little, threw tantrums, or, conversely, was happy. This experience of "insensibility" she brought into her relationship with her husband, who often said that she was emotionally cold.

We are afraid to open up to another person and are afraid to show our vulnerability (sometimes this is really fraught with consequences), because we are afraid of condemnation and misunderstanding, because we do not trust our partner enough to be ourselves in a relationship. We have to wear masks in order to hide our true feelings somewhere, somewhere to swallow an unpleasant situation, somewhere to close our eyes to our needs and keep silent about them, so as not to spoil the relationship. But things only get worse when time after time we give up part of ourselves, when we want to be “good” and meet the expectations of other people.

6. "You will always guess my desires and needs." This is a very common belief. If we do not express our desires and needs, they are unlikely to be satisfied.

Life experience could teach us to close our eyes to our needs, when we heard such phrases from our parents: "Your headache will wait, you can't see, I am my dishes", "I will help you only when I cook dinner." In this, the child heard that dishes and dinner are more important than his pain and his need for help from the parent. Over and over again, hearing such phrases, you no longer want to talk about your needs, express your desires. But, nevertheless, I want to believe that when we have a family or relationship, the partner will guess about them. But this is a myth.

7. "We will never quarrel and criticize each other." The delusion occurs because the parents forbade the child in childhood to get angry, irritated and express other negative feelings. The child learned to block them, and if they arose then or in adulthood, this was followed by a feeling of guilt. Many people who have this misconception believe that the anger that arises in a relationship is bad, that it does not benefit anyone and has nothing to do with love, therefore it should not be expressed, and therefore there is no need to swear so as not to spoil relationship.

I was recently approached by a man whose woman demanded a guarantee that they would move in only on one condition: they would not swear. It is unrealistic to fulfill such a condition, since relationships are not static.

In a healthy and mature relationship, there is room for strife and disagreement. You just need to respond to the emotions that accompany these situations in an acceptable way, without harming yourself and others.

A myth in family psychology is an irrational (unreasonable) belief, idea, understanding of the family, relationships between family members, not questioned. The concept of "family myth" in family psychotherapy was first described by M. Ferreira in 1963.

In family psychotherapy, myths inherent in a particular family, based on its history (specific family legends), and cultural myths broadcast through television, films and literature, and shared by a large part of the population, are distinguished.

We will talk about the latter. Cultural myths or ideas about love and family life, shared by this or that person, determine his behavior, reaction to the behavior of his spouse. In this case, three destructive moments can be distinguished:

Disagreement of family myths (ideas) among spouses;

Uncritical perception of this idea by a person ("This is so, because it cannot be otherwise");

The impossibility of resolving a conflict situation, since the situation is viewed distortedly, through the prism of myth.

Let's take a look at the most common myths about love and family.

1) The myth of eternal love:“If we fell in love with each other, then this is forever, regardless of our relationship (quarrels, neglect, etc.), regardless of personal changes (change in character, personality orientation, etc.). If love has passed, it means that it was not true love - after all, true love is eternal. "

Earlier we looked at the psychology of love and compatibility. We now know that love as an emotional state, a feeling can pass, especially if the spouses demonstrate a clear incompatibility of values ​​and worldview. Moreover, love is work, and without investing mental strength in maintaining and developing love relationships, one cannot hope for their long-term continuation.

2) The myth of the magical power of love:“We are very different, we do not like a lot in each other (lack of education, addiction to alcohol, inability to cook, etc.), but we love each other, love makes it possible to solve all our problems. The most important thing is to love, and the rest will be settled. "

Young people often, noticing the shortcomings of their chosen one, secretly hope to "fix" him in marriage, relying on the love between them. All this can turn into a certain bargaining in love feelings: "If you love me, you will do what I ask," "If you love me, then give me what I want." Agree, no love can fulfill such requirements.

In fact, love is indeed a strong stimulus for personal change, for building relationships and mutual understanding. However, the optimal state of affairs will be when all these changes occur mutually and voluntarily. At the same time, they do not touch upon the deep foundations of the personality, its essence, the essence of the way of life. Otherwise, a person is faced with a choice: to stay with a loved one and "lose" himself, to give up everything that is dear and valuable, or to save himself, but part. Agree, the choice is not easy. But a person must make a choice himself, without pressure and without regret about the choice made ...

3) The myth of the "transparent ball":“We love each other, which means that we know without words what our beloved wants, what he feels, what he thinks. If you ask me about my feelings and desires or misunderstand them, then you do not love me. "

This is a very insidious myth. He “forbids” spouses to ask about their condition, about desires, needs, etc. After all, questions like: “Why are you so sad?”, “Did you like how we spent the evening?”, “How can I better behave when you very tired?" can cause indignation of the "second half": "You are also asking ?! Can't you guess yourself? Isn't it clear? " etc.

A somewhat comical, but very revealing example is given by V. Satir in his book How to Build Yourself and Your Family:

“I remember a couple who came to me feeling dissatisfied with their 20-year-old marriage. During the conversation with them, it became clear that each of the spouses was constantly trying to guess the thoughts of the other - since the idea of ​​a "transparent ball" became the main attitude of the spouses, they have lost the opportunity to ask each other questions. In some cases, they correctly guessed each other's desires, in some - not, which gave rise to disagreements and discontent with each other.

While I was working with them, the couple accepted my offer to speak more openly. And then the moment came when I asked everyone to honestly talk about mutual grievances. Here my husband literally exploded: "I want you to stop, finally, all the time feeding me this damned spinach!" After the wife recovered from the shock, she replied, “I hate spinach, but I thought you loved it. I just wanted to please you. "

Having established the origins of this conflict from the very beginning, we found out that at the first stage of family life, the wife asked her husband what dishes he liked. He answered her that whatever she cooked would be fine. The wife did her own research to find out which dishes he liked after all. One day she heard her husband reprimand his young nephew for not eating spinach; she interpreted this as a manifestation of love for this dish.

4) The myth of the absolute openness of spouses:“We love each other, we have a happy marriage, so we have nothing to hide from each other, we tell each other everything. If someone is hiding something, not telling it, this is a sign of trouble in the family. "

At first glance, this myth is the opposite of the previous one, but this is not entirely true. The essence of this myth lies in the prohibition of personal life, independent of the spouse. You can read letters addressed to your spouse, look into the desk drawer or the pockets of your clothes (“Why are you indignant, do you have anything to hide from me?”), You can call several times a day and ask: “Where are you? What are you doing?" etc. Here (as always in human relationships) the moment of voluntariness is important - I tell my spouse what I consider important and necessary, while I have the right not to talk about something. Remember, speaking about the options for marital adaptation, we have identified the optimal one, when spouses, on the one hand, have a lot in common, and on the other hand, each spouse can have his own life, not related to the other spouse.

Practical example: A woman came to me with complaints about the frequent quarrels with her husband. At the same time, she repeatedly emphasized that she was doing everything with the best intentions, but for some reason her husband was often angry with her. For example, she said that it is mainly her husband who earns in the family, but recently he began to give less to her for housekeeping. To her questions about what he spends his money on, he always answered with irritation. After another such unpleasant conversation, the husband began to write down his income and expenses. For a while, the quarrels about this subsided. However, once again looking at the notes, the wife found in the column with expenses a significant amount (more than 2,000 rubles) without a signature, on which it was spent. With this question she turned to her husband, who did not answer her for a long time (“It doesn't matter,” “You will find out later,” etc.). As a result, he got angry, took out a new food processor and said in his hearts: “This is what I spent my money on! I wanted to give you a present by March 8! "

Telling all this, the woman was sincerely upset and perplexed: “And why was he so angry? I just asked - a lot of money! I didn't know what it was for a gift! "

5) The myth of the mutual resonance of spouses:“We love each other, we are happy together, so we must always think, feel and act the same way. If this is not so, then there is no love. "

Based on this myth, the love of two people means their complete resemblance to each other. The simplest example: in the evening after work, the husband and wife meet at home: the husband is tired and upset, he is in trouble; the wife is cheerful, her proposal was approved by the boss, praised by the whole team. The wife begins to share her joy with her husband, to which he interrupts her: “You're having fun, aren't you? Of course, you don’t care if I’m in trouble at work! If you really loved me, you would not be happy, but worried with me! " Or another example: “How can you read these stupid detective stories ?! I do not understand! It's stupid and boring. Read Lukyanenko better - this is real interesting literature! "

And although we talked about the need for the coincidence of basic values, worldview, interests, etc. as a necessary condition for the continuation of love in time, still love is acceptance and acceptance. uniqueness another person, his originality.

6) The myth of permanent marital happiness:“We have a happy marriage, so we should never quarrel, argue with each other, we cannot be dissatisfied with each other. If this is not the case, then our happy married life is in jeopardy. "

This myth “forbids” spouses to express an opinion, if it does not coincide with the opinion of the other, their dissatisfaction with each other, inform the partner that something in his behavior or actions does not like. Any conflict or disagreement is perceived as a disaster. But, as we have already discussed, without clarifying the positions of each, without discussing disagreements and contradictions, it is impossible to achieve true harmony and well-being in the family. Moreover, and we have already talked about this, the relationship between two loving people is dynamic: there are periods of well-being and peace, and there are periods of fatigue and irritability - this is life ...

All these myths are quite stable in the minds of people, as they are actively replicated in melodramatic films and love stories. They can be combined into the conventional group "romantic myths". People who have similar ideas about the relationship between a man and a woman dream of "real" love, which means the complete identity of two, a cloudless existence, the inability to exist alone ("We always we will be together, we all we will do together ”,“ We never let's not quarrel "," If something happens to you, I I can not live"). It is enough to remember Romeo and Juliet ... I do not propose to completely abandon romantic ideas about love, I propose to think, analyze and consciously build your relationship with your loved one.

The following myths are more universal in nature, they can relate not only to relationships of love and marriage, but also to relationships with all people (children, colleagues, casual acquaintances). However, we will consider them in the context of family psychology.

7) The myth of the external determination of emotions:“You are responsible for my emotions, my mood, my feelings. You can offend me, or you can make me happy (happy). And if I'm sad or angry, then you just don't want to make me happy (happy). "

Based on this myth, a person places responsibility for his mood and emotional state on those around him: someone annoys him, and someone makes him happy. The person himself is not responsible for his emotions. However, let me remind you that there are emotions our subjective attitude to the environment, it is our reaction to the words or actions of another person. And the person himself is responsible for his feelings, his mood, the level of his happiness. Compare: “You offended me” and “I offended you”; "You pissed me off" and "I pissed off at you." And if in the first case there is an accusation, then in the second - a message about your condition. If in the first case, the dispute can last a long time, without leading to anything ("You offended me!" - "No, I did not offend you!" "No, I know better!"

8) The myth of guilt and punishment:“If something negative happens in our life together, in our relations (quarrels, irritation, etc.), then someone is to blame. The most important thing is to find the culprit, punish him, and then everything will work out. "

This myth is a prime example of linear or causal thinking, which, as we discussed, is not applicable in human relationships. Both parties are included in a spousal MUTUAL relationship, which means that both parties share responsibility for their relationship. Indeed, in a quarrel, both spouses raise their voices at each other, throw accusations, etc.

At the same time, we are not able to completely control all the events taking place in our life - there are accidents. And it is useless to ask who is to blame, say, that a loved one fell ill, or that he fell and broke his leg. In such situations, there are no guilty ones - there is a confluence of circumstances that cannot be foreseen (it is not for nothing that the people say: “If I knew where to fall, I would spread straws”).

When difficulties arise in relationships or life troubles, it is much more productive to decide what can be done with this, how it can be overcome (look forward), rather than look for the culprit (look back).

9) Myth about one main reason:“We have a problem; to eliminate it, it is necessary to find its main source (the absence of a child in the family, stubbornness of a spouse, cohabitation with parents, etc.) - and the problem will be solved. "

This myth is a continuation of the previous one, yet another manifestation of causal thinking. Often, when faced with a particular problem in their life, spouses look for its "main" reason, as they believe that its elimination will help to cope with the problem. In this case, the reason is sought not in relationships, but outside, in some external circumstances. For example, a wife, believing that her married life is not going well, sees the reason for the fact that the husband does not earn enough money, which he regularly reports to his spouse (the reason for the dissatisfaction is the lack of money). The spouse finds a new well-paid job, now the wife reproaches him for not paying enough attention to the family (the reason is the separation of the husband from the family). To "return" the husband to the family, the wife decides to have a child. In turn, the birth of a child requires an increase in material costs, therefore, the spouse is forced to work more. Thus, the search for the "main" reason only aggravates the wife's dissatisfaction with family life. In fact, satisfaction with life together is the result of many components (own expectations, material wealth, the manifestation of care and affection, the opportunity for self-realization, sexual satisfaction, etc.), which are closely interrelated, and the allocation of one component as the leading impossible.

Family life is a difficult science. She is not taught either at school or at the institute. And quite often young people who are on the verge of creating a new unit of society have no idea how to build and maintain a family.

And here parents, grandmothers, grandfathers, friends and girlfriends come to the rescue. And each with his own advice and "best" knowledge in family life. After listening to such advice, young people begin to involuntarily start thinking: "Do I need such a family life?"

This is due to the fact that there are many myths about family relationships that you need to learn about before marriage and have time to get rid of them. Our wedding portal Svadbagolik.ru will tell you about the most common family myths.

Loss of romance

Young people are sure: in marriage, relationships will lose their sharpness, romance will quickly evaporate, and life will turn into a boring routine. This myth was invented by those who believe marriage is the tip of the iceberg. The newly minted husband and wife naively believe that since the marriage has taken place, then no more efforts are needed to develop the relationship.

This state of affairs can lead to a disastrous result: gradually the spouses will become disillusioned with marriage and each other, and this myth will become a reality. To prevent this from happening to you, draw conclusions and do not let the development of family relationships take their course. Develop your relationship, bring newness to it, please your partner.

Restriction of freedom

Many men, as well as some women, do not want to get married, as there is a stereotype in their heads that with the appearance of a wife / husband, their personal freedom will be limited.

This state of affairs is nothing more than a myth. Of course, you can find families in which total control reigns. But in couples where two people love and respect each other, such an alignment is unacceptable.

Don't confuse an encroachment on personal freedom with the responsibilities you acquire when you get married. Mutual understanding and mutual respect, solving everyday issues, raising children - if such family responsibilities are beyond your power, then it is better to postpone the formalization of the relationship.

Strict division of responsibilities

Another myth about family life says: the family should have a clear distribution of responsibilities. Yes, it should be so. But many interpret this in the wrong way: the wife must cook and clean, and the husband must work and bring the salary to the house.

And who told you that everything should be like this? Family life according to the template will not bring joy to anyone. The distribution of responsibilities in the family is an individual matter, and the variations in roles can be quite varied. Therefore, when distributing roles in the family, take into account the uniqueness of your family and your significant other.

Children will save from divorce

The fact that having a baby will help smooth out all conflicts and strengthen family relationships is probably the most common myth. This opinion is shared mainly by women, as well as some men.

But, alas, in practice everything happens exactly the opposite. Having a baby is a challenge for a family. Responsibility increases, the way of life of the family changes, and the problems that arose before the appearance of a new family member can only worsen.

Also, women believe that with the appearance of a baby, the character of a spouse will change - he will become more caring and courteous. But this is also fiction. As you take care of your family's well-being, remember that a child is not a life-saving glue that can be used to glue the cracks in a relationship, but a full member of the family.

Our site is www .. Of course, there are many more of them. Your task is to learn to recognize them and prevent them from ruining your family life.

We often hear various stories about the married life of this or that couple. These stories can be about both a happy marriage and a family that has never been able to find inner harmony. When many of us think about our marriage or are just going to start a family, we experience different feelings. It can be love, it can be fear, it can be happiness, and it can be resentment. How many families there are so many stories. Everyone makes mistakes, "step on the rake", forgive or not forgive, stumble - these are all real problems.

But despite all the problems, the family is happiness, tranquility, security, love and a lot of interesting things. But the new generation sees more difficulties than positive and is afraid to create their own families or very quickly ruin what they are creating. Therefore, especially for them, it is worth highlighting 7 myths about family life, which have been tested by time and statistics.

1. No quarrels and disagreements

This is one of the most common myths about marriage. Many books and guides on starting and maintaining a family trumpet that there should be no quarrels or disagreements in the family. But don't take it so personally! There are no families in which they do not sort things out at all or do not quarrel. Because two different people who are not indifferent to each other are trying to establish contact by trial and error. And the younger the marriage, the more such disagreements there will be. But they will eventually lead to mutual understanding.

2. You must find a double

This is another very serious misconception. There are no two ideally similar people in their hobbies, interests, hobbies and aspirations. If you can like each other, go on dates, arrange your wedding and come to a consensus, then you already fit together. At the same time, nothing prevents you from being different and sharing your knowledge from different areas with each other. On the contrary, it is exciting and broadens the horizons of each of the couple.

3. Marriage should not be early

A very deeply rooted stereotype - if an early marriage, then the bride is pregnant. All this is in the past, now society is developing very quickly and people find each other at a very early age. And if you both want to tie your destiny, then you should not be afraid of this. Of course, you do not need to acquire huge debts to organize a wedding. After all, the main thing is not a celebration, but the fact that you legally belong to each other.

4. Husband and wife must be soul mates

Finding a soul mate in order to start a family is tantamount to chasing yesterday. Many people obsessed with finding a soul mate have missed out on so many wonderful potential spouses to be happy with. The paradox is that a soul mate becomes in marriage. People work on their relationships throughout their life together. They adjust to something, change, somewhere they make compromises, are carried away by the interests of another, and here she is - a kindred spirit next to you. There was no need to look for her!

5. Sharing a dream in a quarrel

There is a very ambiguous opinion here, but a big mistake is that people, having an argument, go to sleep in different rooms or on different beds. During sleep, you are not already together. You can take a break from each other, think, or just enjoy your dreams. In the morning, waking up in one bed, you have no choice but to go to reconciliation. And if you lie in different rooms, then the conflict can turn into a very serious discord. Just go to bed, tune in to positive thoughts.

6. Your life plans must match

This myth is very much in line with points 2 and 4. Its essence is that all people have different plans for life. They can only overlap in some moments, but they should not be the same at all. After all, the husband will have a plan: to arrange a career, to get married, to have a child, to throw all his strength into a career in order to provide for his family and self-actualize. The woman's plan will be a little different: a career, get married, get pregnant, have a child, raise a child, a career along the way. This is the most common pattern. And if we consider smaller goals, then there will be very strong differences between men and women. So don't chase ghostly stereotypes.

7. This is a happy marriage ...

Family relationships do not mean happiness every day. And do not think that if there were difficult days during this week and you do not feel happy, then your marriage was not a success. This is stupid and wrong. It is not for nothing that there are marriage vows and "... both in sorrow and in joy, and in wealth and in poverty ...". It is worth working on your marriage, constantly and diligently, and only then there will be many more happy days than sad ones!

There are a lot of myths about family life. It is always interesting to visit the anniversaries of couples who have lived for so many years. They have a lot to learn.