Caring for an old apple tree. How to rejuvenate an apple tree with pruning? Elderly care: how to organize the process correctly? How to care for an elderly person

29.09.2019

”I gave a lecture “If you are caring for your elderly relative ... Psychologist's advice”, the lecture materials are given in the article.

When a person's age or illness does not allow him to take care of himself, then the relatives caring for him have to change their usual way of life and face new tasks and situations.

These are increased emotional stress and tension, fatigue due to heavy monotonous unpaid care work, a feeling of lack of strength and time, attachment and lack of freedom, helplessness due to the presence next to a suffering person, expectation and fear of the end, irritation and anger, a sense of guilt for irritation, fatigue.

Increased daily stress affects the mood, causes tension and misunderstanding between family members.

Grandmother lived for 101 years, after 70 years she lost her leg above the knee, moved on crutches, then with a chair, in a wheelchair, recently she could not move independently. It was not easy for the whole family, and especially for the mother, who looked after her grandmother.

Once, in her hearts, she said: "If it happens to me, take me to a madhouse." It was not a real request, it was an expression of extreme desperation and weariness.

History from life

I considered myself a good daughter and granddaughter, an adult and strong person. Until she faced the need to care for an old grandmother, from day to day, without hope of improvement, being present next to a slowly fading person.

Then I had to look for answers to the questions:

How to strike a balance between caring for a loved one and caring for your own emotional and psychological resources?
How to continue to see in an elderly person a person, and not a "capricious old man"?
How to understand what is happening with the elderly, what are its features?

Elderly care- the first memory of these words - about emotional fatigue. It is believed that only young mothers with babies get emotionally tired, or employees in difficult jobs - teachers, doctors, dispatchers. Elderly care emotionally exhausting. A baby has a prospect - to grow up and become independent, a job can be changed, but an elderly person has no prospects, and he cannot be “changed” as a job.

Emotional fatigue and exhaustion is called emotional burnout.

The essence of emotional burnout is that monotonous activity or communication ceases to please, and begins to cause irritation. A person has a reluctance to care for the elderly, anger, disgust and internal tension. In addition to the psychological reaction, somatic manifestations appear: headache, pain in the heart, exacerbation of chronic diseases.

Elderly Care - Causes of Fatigue

Routine
A person has to constantly perform a series of identical actions that cause negative emotions. These can be walks with a wheelchair, which hardly squeezes into the elevator and “jumps” up the stairs, this is cleaning and airing the room in which the “smell of old age” settles, this is the need to observe the feeding regime, and so on. Sooner or later, emotional overwork happens. At the same time, rest solves this problem only for a short time.
Experiences for the life and health of another person
Living with a sick person who is suffering and no joyful prospects ahead, or with an old man who wakes up and rustles at night, or groans, all this contributes to emotional fatigue.
Quarrels with family members
If there are quarrels in the family, different opinions about who needs to take care of an elderly relative, or other misunderstanding - this will cause fatigue, sadness, annoyance or resentment in any person.
perfectionism
Serious and scrupulous attitude to their duties, constant "laying themselves out." Even with a very strong effort, it becomes difficult to “surpass” yourself and do everything as best as possible.

Fatigue, like stress, has an unpleasant property - it accumulates. The first symptoms of overload appear - irritation with an elderly relative or irritation with everyone around, then negligence towards oneself and others, mistakes, delays and "forgetting" appear, and later come indifference, rigidity and cynicism.

The stages of emotional fatigue from caring for an elderly relative pass slowly. Time passes, a person gradually loses emotional and physical energy, becomes dissatisfied with himself and such a life, ceases to understand and sympathize with an elderly relative.

The first stages of burnout look harmless - it is enthusiasm, hope for recovery, a desire to cope on your own.

Then a careless attitude to one's own needs begins, after many weeks and months a person has been driven by hope. A person neglects personal needs - does not leave himself free time, does not engage in physical education, meets friends less. If you do not feed your own life supports - the body, communication with friends, recreation and hobbies, work (some quit to care for a relative, depriving themselves of another life support), then physical and emotional exhaustion sets in.

At the next stage, a person does not have time to resolve conflicts, he displaces them and ceases to perceive. He does not notice that disagreements appear at work, at home or with friends. They stop inviting guests, other people with him become uninteresting, bored. Then protective processes in the psyche turn on - dehumanization occurs - reactions of anger, hatred and resentment towards an elderly relative or circumstances. Thus, the psyche is protected from constant stress and with the help of negative emotions to force the body to avoid activities in order to resist exhaustion.

Since it is not possible to avoid, then the relationship with an elderly relative is aggravated by rejection, repulsion.

If the situation remains unchanged, then feelings about oneself are lost. People don't feel like themselves anymore, they live like machines, robots that can't stop. In the last stage, a person is broken and sick - physically and mentally, experiencing despair, suicidal thoughts are present.

Elderly Care - Fatigue Prevention

Unloading:
Work with burnout syndrome begins with unloading. How to reduce time pressure? How to share responsibility with other relatives? Ask for help or hire a babysitter once a week, or more often? How to set realistic goals?

This is a serious topic for discussion in the family. How to organize care for an elderly person in such a way as to share responsibilities between relatives and social services as much as possible.

People with burnout syndrome are not always ready to allow themselves a caregiver for the elderly or "strain" relatives.

The Helping Dialogue Project provides free psychological assistance to families with elderly people (born before 1945). We discuss issues of prevention and treatment of emotional exhaustion of people caring for an elderly relative and other psychological difficulties with a psychologist.

Personal time is not selfishness, but the right to life: to read, walk, chat with friends, enjoy being.

When working with families caring for an elderly relative, sometimes you have to remind simple understandable things - these are answers to the question “where do the forces to live come from”? Forces come from food, sleep, rest, communication and, conversely, a lonely walk, work, love and hobbies.

Man is what he eats.
Ludwig Andreas von Feuerbach, German philosopher

Food provides the main energy for the body. Pay attention to how you eat? Do you snack "in half with the TV", or not? Whether uniform nutrition: dietary, includes vitamins, minerals, plant foods.

Traffic:

Of great importance is the observance of the daily routine, the regime of work and rest, the alternation of sleep and wakefulness. Physical activity is no less useful - walking, staying in the fresh air, a contrast shower, physical activity - walking, swimming, gymnastics, yoga.

Each person has individual sources of positive emotions: cats or dogs, children or grandchildren, visiting the theater and exhibitions, talking with friends, drawing, singing, walking.

With prolonged stress, emotional exhaustion increases, remorse is added as a result of outbreaks of uncontrolled irritation. All this is not able to energize the body. Energy comes from the body and positive emotions. There is also a lot of energy in negative emotions - anger, resentment, rage, but after them exhaustion sets in.

Self-care includes caring for the body and soul, and the soul loves to create. Slowly do something new, snatching time for this. Learn to crochet, play the guitar, learn new songs, master the skills of a gardener, write poetry or prose.

The Age of Happiness features inspiring stories of older people who are interested and active. For example, Robert Marchand took up cycling seriously in 1978, at the age of 67. He celebrated his centenary on the cycle track, having covered 23.2 kilometers in 60 minutes. Because of Marchand, the International Cycling Union had to create a new competition category: "master cyclist over 100 years old".

It is important to communicate on topics that are not related to care - about children, family, art, cinema, love.

To see again behind the old man

At the same time, there are features of older people that must be taken into account and understood so that there are fewer negative emotions and irritation.

Video of the poem "Cranky old man." The story of the poem that I managed to "dig up" on the Internet:

This poem was first published in a Scottish magazine in 1966 under the title "Grumbling Old Woman". The text was almost the same as in the modern version, only from a woman's face. Then the poem was remembered and began to "walk" in other British literary collections, changing the name - "Kate", "Look carefully, sister", "What do you see?". From magazine to magazine, the legend about the author acquired new details. The common place in them was only that the manuscript was found in the things of a certain Kate, who died in a Scottish nursing home. Although even then some researchers attributed the authorship of the verse to the Scottish nurse Phyllis McCormack, who worked at the Sunnyside Hospital in Montrose in the 1960s. The truth came out in 1998. Phyllis' son, in an interview with the Daily Mail, confirmed long-standing rumors that the real author of the poem, the original title of which is "Look carefully, sister," was his mother. However, she did not dare to admit authorship, and therefore printed it anonymously in the magazine. In addition, she planted a manuscript in the belongings of one of the residents of the nursing home where she worked. When she passed away, a handwritten copy of the poem was given to the Sunday Post. And then a beautiful accompanying story was born. As for the modern male version of the poem, it is an adaptation of the Texas poet David Griffith. He called his version "Too early old", although the name "Cranky old man" became more common.

The video is in English, there are options on the net in Russian, but I don’t really like them, the shrillness is lost due to artistic translation for the sake of rhyme. Therefore, the video is in English, but below is a literal translation of this poem.

Capricious old man

What do you see, nurse? What do you see?
What do you think when you look at me?
Capricious old man, stupid ...
With an incomprehensible way of life, with missing eyes?
Wasting food?
When you scream "Let's try!"
And it seems to you that he does not notice what you are doing.
Always losing socks or shoes?
Not insisting on anything
but allowing you to do whatever you want with it?
A day with nothing to fill
other than bathing and feeding?
That's what you think? Is that what you see?
Open your eyes, nurse.
You don't look at me.
I'll tell you who I am.
Even sitting here quietly
subject to your distribution,
eating as you wish.
I am still a 10 year old boy living with his father and mother,
Brothers and sisters and we all love each other.
A young boy of 16, with wings on his feet,
Dreaming of meeting the love of your life one of these days.
The groom, who is soon 20 and whose heart jumps out,
Remembering the vows that he promised to fulfill.
And now I'm 25 and I have my own baby.
Who needs my guidance, protection and home.
A man who is 30! The kid grew up fast
We are bound together by an unbreakable bond.
And at 40, my sons grew up and left home.
But my woman is next to me and she does not let me grieve.
And now at 50 again the kids play at my feet,
Again we are with the children, my beloved and I.
Darkness gathered over me - my wife is dead.
I look to the future and shudder in horror.
Now I live for the children and for their children.
And I think about the years... about the love that I had.
Now I'm an old man... and life is a cruel thing.
Mocking makes old age look stupid.
The body becomes decrepit and falls apart, greatness and strength go away.
And now there is a stone where once there was a heart.
But inside this decrepit shell still lives a young man,
And again and again, the heart beats from the knocks.
I remember all the joy, I remember all the pain.
And I love and live! In this life as before.
I think of the years that were so few
and which flew by so fast.
And I agree with the stubborn fact
that nothing can last forever.
So open your eyes, people!
Open and see. Not a naughty old man!
Look closely and see me!

Hospitalism and learned helplessness in the elderly

In psychology, there is the concept of learned helplessness. This is a state in which a person cannot get out, leave, cope, do something with an unpleasant situation, although he has such an opportunity. It is accompanied by a loss of a sense of freedom and control, disbelief in the possibility of change and in one's own strength, depression and depression.

Another variant of this phenomenon, when it occurs as a result of a long stay in the hospital, is hospitalism. People with hospitalism, after being discharged from the hospital, are not able to take care of themselves on their own, as they have learned to be helpless, unable to influence the events of their lives, even the time of dinner did not depend on them. And after discharge, such a person can hardly make himself a simple sandwich or wash the dishes.

This condition arises as a result of a long-term inability to influence circumstances. It's like with an injury, for example, a leg, after a cast, it's hard to walk, you have to pace your leg, learn to walk again.

When caring for the sick, it is important not to do everything for them, although it may be easier that way. Otherwise, he learns to be helpless.

It’s easier for me to feed her (grandmother) myself than to wait for her to bring the spoon to her mouth, drop half ...
From a therapeutic conversation

This approach gradually teaches a person to be more and more helpless, assigning more and more responsibilities to the one who cares for the sick.

Set rules and tasks for the patient and for yourself, do not “tie your shoelaces for him”, let him do it on his own for as long as possible. This will ultimately free up your time and allow the person with a disability to feel better, more active.

Just as a child first does something with a parent, then he learns to cope on his own, so an elderly person, on the contrary, does something on his own for as long as possible. The longer the elderly remains independent, the more satisfied he is with life.

Peculiarity

Difficulty concentrating

Irritability, anger or, conversely, tearfulness, tearfulness

Inadequate judgments, statements, delusional beliefs

Little empathy for others, emotional coldness

Closure

Be brief, repeat what has been said

Maintain a stable emotional state, do not enter into an argument, do not aggravate the discussion

Translate the topic, do not count on a rational discussion, do not try to convince, do not argue, but do not support delusional statements either

Treat as a symptom of the disease (that is, do not blame for coldness, just as, for example, we do not blame for myopia)

Start a conversation first, try to engage in communication

Keep calm yourself, try to calm the elderly person

Be sympathetic to the fact that the elderly person forgets, is disoriented, does not know what to do and what is happening, where is he, what time is it and what should be done now?

Family care for the elderly, many of whom have chronic and often incurable diseases, poses risks to the health and well-being of caregivers themselves. This is a difficult test, leading to a feeling of powerlessness, disbelief in oneself, isolation, a constant feeling of fatigue, to psychosomatic disorders, feeling almost like robots with a dulling of sympathy, anger - in essence, to a transition to a state of chronic depression.

In a mutual support group, a person receives the necessary knowledge on his problem, receives spiritual support, supports others, finds new solutions, looks at his life in a new way, evaluates his affairs in a new way, finds new friends.

The psychologists of the "Helping Dialogue" project provide assistance at home, conduct individual and family consultations aimed at improving the intra-family climate and intra-family relations.

The goal of the project is to improve the psychological state of the close assistants of an elderly person, and the elderly themselves, confirm the value of his life, strengthen the connection between generations through intra-family communication, biographical therapy, events involving family members of different ages, psychological processing of life experience.

The apple tree is a rather sensitive fruit tree. An apple tree that is more than 15 years old bears less fruit, its branches are dry and brittle. If earlier old apple trees were looked after no less than young ones, then today they are paid much less attention. Gardeners of our time argue that it is better to plant a new young tree and wait for a harvest from it than to grow and care for the old one.

But many, on the contrary, want to save a tree if it is, for example, a tree of a rare variety or for another reason. In order for the old tree not to die and continue to bring good annual yields, it needs to be rejuvenated, namely, to carry out sanitary pruning, regraft and, in general, carry out the same care procedures as for a young tree.

Caring for an old tree is almost the same as caring for a young one. But, when the plant begins to die, it is necessary to rejuvenate it. It is important to remember that old branches that have grown very much must be removed gradually. After all, if you immediately cut a large number of branches, the assimilation apparatus is destroyed. Those leaves that remain after pruning will not be able to properly feed the tree and as a result it will die. The apple tree, in principle, perfectly tolerates different types of pruning, because. this procedure makes her neat and well-groomed.

When is the best time to prune an old apple tree?

It is best to prune an old apple tree in the fall, although pruning can also be done in the spring. During the spring period, it is ideal to cut branches that have suffered due to cold weather and died. In the spring, it is important to prune before buds appear and sap flow begins.

How to prune an old apple tree?

Apple trees bear fruit even if they are not taken care of or when they are old. But the volume of the harvest, its quality is deteriorating and decreasing every year, as a result, one day there will simply be no harvest. The fact that the apple tree begins to age is noticeable by the growth of underyearlings. As growth wanes and becomes small, the apple tree moves towards old age. And only if you cut off the excess, perform the mandatory care procedures on time, it will be possible to rejuvenate the tree and achieve a harvest from it. Very often, for this purpose, skeletal branches are removed to the place where a young and strong shoot is located.

Important points for pruning an old apple tree

There is an effective pruning scheme that gardeners call "renewal". Some say that this is a rather complicated procedure, but, as practice shows, if you try, everything works out. Pruning is carried out in order to control the growth and age of wood, the appearance of fruit in the right place. The scheme lies in the fact that it is necessary to leave a certain number of branches and form fruit rods on the remaining ones. They are carried along the length of the branch so that the apples have enough space for development. The number of stepchildren should also be reduced, but their amount at the same time depends on the varietal characteristics of the apple tree and the intensity of its development. A strong healthy apple tree can feed many fruits, so most of the stepchildren that form after the tree is rejuvenated need to be shortened by a third, and the rest of the stepchildren should be cut out.

A good fruit tree should ideally have one central branch. It is not recommended to allow the formation of two such branches, because. the tree weakens quickly because of this. It is necessary to choose the strongest and strongest among the competitive branches, and remove the remaining ones. The central branch should have strong knots and evenly growing branches on them that bear fruit. It is not advisable to cut the apple tree in early September, because. because of this, new ones begin to grow when the tree should be at rest and prepare for winter.

Scheme of autumn pruning of an old apple tree

To effectively prune and rejuvenate a tree, you need to follow some steps:

Remove the most aged branches that have broken or deteriorated.
In the place where the most small branches come out, thin out the crown and leave strong and smooth branches: remove diseased and crooked branches.
Remove branches that grow at a low angle, because with abundant fruiting they can break due to the weight of the fruit.
Cut branches that are tangled with each other and those that rub against each other.
Make the cut points smooth so that there are no bumps or burrs, and treat them with garden pitch. For the treatment of wounds, it is desirable to use oil paint or drying oil.
After pruning, fold all the removed branches in one place and burn them to ash to destroy all insects and viruses that could be on them.

It is important to consider that the main pruning is precisely the autumn one, because. it guarantees a good harvest in a year. You also need to remember that when an array of fruits ripens, the branches must be protected from possible damage due to the weight of the fruits.

Scheme of spring pruning of an old apple tree

Early in the spring, you need to cut the apple tree before the buds begin to swell. Thanks to this pruning, it is really possible to protect the places of cuts from freezing, and they also heal faster, because. soon begins active sap flow. Places of damage during pruning should be immediately treated with garden pitch.

During spring pruning, it is necessary to shorten the shoots above the buds so that the cut is at the level of the top of the bud, and the bevel on the other side serves to let the water roll off. It is also necessary to remember about the formation of the crown. It is necessary to cut so that the middle branches and those below are longer than the upper ones. It is necessary to remove those branches that are frozen in winter.

Also be sure to thin out last year's shoots. The strength of the pruning depends on the activity of the development of the tree: in small-sized ones, the top of the shoots is cut off, in medium-sized ones - by 1/3, in vigorous ones - 1/2. An important point in anti-aging pruning of an apple tree is to reduce its growth. To do this, you need to cut the top of the trunk at a height of 3-4 m from the soil level. It is necessary to cut off a third of the side knots, cut off the edge of the branches that grow from below, because. the branches do not bear fruit on them and sag. It is advisable to leave the most developed young ones that grow on the sides when pruning. The shoots that remained after pruning are recommended to be shortened by 1/3.

Both medium and heavy pruning should be carried out in order to rejuvenate the crown of the tree and leave more fruitful branches. After trimming, the cuts are treated with garden pitch.
It is advisable to prune the apple tree in early spring, when no more cold snaps and especially severe frosts are expected. The optimum air temperature for pruning is 10⁰С.
It is recommended to prune before reaching four years old wood, but if necessary, if the tree is very old - 7-9 years old.
If there have been no new growths for several years, it is necessary to shorten the semi-skeletal and skeletal branches. You also need to cut fruit formations.
When pruning, you need to focus on the place of sleeping buds, which are located below the shoots. It is not advisable to shorten the tree to a fruit or ringlet.

If all the pruning procedures are carried out correctly, in a year young branches will appear, which will need to be thinned out if necessary. A year after the spring pruning, fruits are formed, and after three years, fruits.

It is not elastic and therefore requires especially careful handling. Increased attention should be paid to those areas of the skin that are in natural folds: in the inguinal region, in places where fat folds form in obese people and. These skin areas should be washed twice a day using warm water and soap. It is necessary to thoroughly dry the skin after water procedures in order to avoid the occurrence of inflammatory processes. To do this, the skin can be blotted with napkins and apply a special powder.

oral care

The oral cavity of the elderly requires especially careful care. This is due to the fact that in the elderly and senile age there is a loss of teeth and age-related changes in the structure of the mucosa.

If an elderly person wears dentures, then remove them and rinse with running water after each meal. If your ward has his own teeth, then you need to brush them 3 times a day, choosing a high-quality medium-hard brush for this.

It is very good if herbal decoctions with anti-inflammatory and soothing effects are used to rinse the mouth.

Hygiene of clothes and shoes

People over the age of 60 should not wear synthetic underwear. It is best to choose underwear made from natural fabrics that do not have tight elastic bands that tighten the skin. When caring for an elderly person, it is important to ensure that linen is changed at least once a day.

Outerwear should be warm and, at the same time, light. Be sure to ensure that an elderly person does not go out without a hat. This also applies to walks in the warm season, when the adverse effects of sunlight can lead to sun or heat stroke.

Shoes should be, first of all, comfortable. It is advisable to choose models with wide noses and a stable heel, the height of which should not exceed 3-4 cm.

Personal hygiene

In the process of aging, significant changes occur in the functions of the genitourinary system: the frequency of urination increases at night. Therefore, if an elderly person wakes up several times during the night to urinate, it is necessary to provide him with “night dishes”, placing them next to the bed so as not to provoke sleep disturbances.

In case of urinary incontinence, it is important to provide the old man with special diapers for. It is also important to remember that bathing, washing and other water procedures in old age should be done regularly and often.

Good relationships are important

Communication for the elderly is essential. You should not isolate the elderly from other family members, you need to discuss the weather, politics, news with them, ask them for advice, that is, try to make the elderly feel needed by the people around them.

The most important part of caring for the elderly is loving and caring for them to stay active. There are many different ways to care for the elderly, whether it be caring for and making them comfortable in their own homes or placing them in a nursing home. By following the steps below, with time and some effort, you will be able to properly care for your loved ones.

Steps

Part 1

Physical care for the elderly

Plan ahead. Many children will eventually need to be cared for by their parents. A pre-planned plan can resolve some issues before the situation becomes critical (for example, in the event of a sudden illness or injury). Using technology, you can make your home safe for the elderly and anticipate the costs associated with that safety.

There are many technologies available to help monitor the elderly to make sure they are moving around and therefore safe and taking their medications. For example, there are GPRS trackers and first aid kits that light up when you need to take medicine. This will help them stay longer in their own homes.
Make your home safer by installing burn protection devices to protect the sensitive skin of the elderly, carbon monoxide detectors, special smoke detectors with flash lamps or vibrations to wake the elderly (many elderly cannot hear ordinary smoke detectors), and also put handrails in showers and toilets.
Elderly care can be quite costly. Do your research and explore options for yourself, as well as potential grants or programs that could be beneficial for your loved ones.

Make sure your loved ones stay active. Exercise can protect the elderly from disease and reduce their actual age by 10-15 years. It can even lead to huge health benefits for those who have been sedentary for years. This can delay the need for care and protect them from disease for longer.
- Elderly people are recommended to engage in moderately active physical exercises (running, swimming, walking, cycling) 5 times a week for half an hour a day. Those who are engaged in more intense training, if the heart rate increases significantly and breathing becomes difficult, you should exercise at least 20 minutes a day 3 times a week. Weight training (using free weights, resistance bands, or weights) should be done two or three times a week, on alternate days. You should also do stretching exercises (stretching, yoga, tai chi) for at least 10 minutes a day.
Look after their physical and spiritual health. If they are in pain or have health problems, ask them to visit (or drive yourself) a doctor. If the pains/problems are severe enough, then your most important task is to go to the hospital and see what they can do for him/her at the moment.

Talk to your loved one's pharmacist. For older people, different doctors may prescribe different medications, and only one pharmacist will know which medications your loved one is taking. Befriend your pharmacist and talk to them about possible side effects and drug interactions.

Help them with driving the car. The thought of stopping driving can cause intense anger and resentment on the part of an older person. Remember that being able to drive is an important part of remaining independent, and it can be very difficult to accept the idea that this is no longer possible.
- Sometimes classes for older drivers are held at discounted rates on car insurance.
- There are aids to help an elderly person drive, such as an ignition key-turning aid for arthritic wrists.
- If it's really unsafe and your loved one persists, then seek help from a doctor or motor vehicle registration department to get them to stop driving.
- Let them stay mobile, using public transport or tricycles, so that they can maintain a sense of freedom and self-reliance.
Discuss finances. Talk to your loved one about their finances and possible plans for long-term care. Some incentives can sometimes be applied to reduce heating costs or the cost of medicines, and these should be identified if they exist. If the elderly want to stay in their own home, then perhaps the best option would be to reduce the residential part of the apartment.
- The elderly are particularly vulnerable to scammers, so be sure to discuss this as well, for their own safety. At least once a year, but take a credit card history to know that your loved one is not robbed or stolen from his data.
Discuss legal issues. Find out everything about their power of attorney, will, and health insurance documents. This will help to figure out who will be able to make decisions about the treatment and finances of an older person in case of emergencies, or when he becomes incapacitated in some way.
- If your loved one hasn't received these documents yet, help him or her get them.
Cook for them or eat together. Sometimes nursing homes host lunches that provide transportation, which can be a great way for your loved one to meet and share a meal with others. Older people often lose interest in food, especially if they are depressed, so these meals together can make eating more enjoyable.
- Delivery services can also help older people who have difficulty preparing meals for themselves.
Consider hiring a caregiver to care for an elderly person. This may solve some of the physical difficulties of caring for your loved one. A caregiver can help an older person do whatever they need to do and take most of the burden off family members. They can also help an older person maintain some independence by staying with them in their own home.
- Sometimes government assistance can help offset some of the costs. Review your options and contact your local nursing agency if one exists.
- If there is no need for a babysitter yet, or if one does not solve problems, help them around the house. For example, help them with chores like laundry, cleaning, or gardening.
Consider a nursing home option. Sometimes the idea of having a babysitter is not possible, for example, because the elderly person needs a lot of help or simply cannot afford it. The nursing home will provide for and care for your loved one.

Consider taking care of your loved one in your home. Caring for the elderly in your home can help them feel better and maintain strong family bonds, allowing you to spend time with them and monitor their health. If you decide to take care of an elderly person in your home, then you should arrange the furniture so that they have enough space for them to move freely and remove loose carpets that can be tripped over.
- Home care can mean helping your loved one with bathing, dressing, feeding, medication management, financial management, and emotional support.

Part 2

Psychological care for the elderly

Respect the elderly. Always treat the elderly with respect. Even if they are already old and perhaps healthy, they are still human beings with their own emotions and thoughts. Don't judge them by their physical condition. Aging is only part of the natural cycle: you are born, you are a child, you become a teenager, you reach adulthood, and one day you too will grow old. Respect them and their lives.
- Do not swear or use words that they may consider inappropriate; they grew up in a different time and can take everything seriously.
Help your loved one cope with the loss of independence. Encourage them to maintain friendships, stay active, develop new interests, and keep in touch with other family members. Explain to them that the loss of autonomy is not a personal failure, but only part of a natural life cycle.

Encourage them to volunteer. A recent study showed that those older people who are engaged in volunteer work are happier and healthier. This is especially true for those who have chronic diseases. Feeling needed and appreciated as a voluntary worker can greatly improve your mental well-being, and therefore the health of your loved one.

Visit them often. Visits will strengthen your emotional connection and improve your loved one's mental well-being. Visits also allow you, as a caregiver, to check on their health status. You can see if they are watering the plants, checking their mail, or seeing any bruises, which will mean they need more help. Have friends and family help you.

Bring something that belonged to them. If they move into a nursing home or yours, take something with you from their home. This will help them feel more confident at home, in their new surroundings, and help them cope with big changes in their lives.

Find common interests with them. Some young people mistakenly believe that they cannot connect with older people, but remember that older people may think that they have no common ground with your interests. Try to be honest and find out what brings them joy. If you cannot share their interests, then you can at least share their experiences.

Try to keep everything as it was, as much as possible. Many older people feel nervous and uncomfortable with changes, especially when they leave home. Try to keep everything unchanged. For example, you can take an older person's pet along with them if they move in with you or in a nursing home (if allowed).

Make them feel welcome in the house. Try to get them to take part in activities at the nursing home or involve them in various activities in your home. Encourage them to be active participants in your environment.
- You can also encourage them to take walks or take them for walks or other activities. This can help them feel happier, especially if they suffer from depression.
- You can also surprise them by giving them gifts from time to time or hosting parties for them as a way to get them involved in the activity.
Hear their stories. You may find them interesting, and they may even help you navigate situations in your life. Older people have more life experiences to pass on to you, and you can improve your life by listening and consulting with them. Find beauty in their stories and learn from them.
- It will also strengthen the bond between you and help them feel connected to the world around them.

Part 3

Fight against opposition

Be prepared for confrontation from an older person. Resistance is one of the most common challenges people face in caring for the elderly. Your loved one may feel a loss of independence, loss of physical health or mental health. This can cause them to become fearful, nervous, guilty and/or angry, which will cause them to refuse to accept help from you.
- They may also think that accepting help would be a sign of weakness, so they become stubborn or worry about physical burdens or costs.
- Also, the person may lose their memory, which can cause them to forget that they need help.
- Certain ways of dealing with resistance may not be appropriate for older people with dementia.
Decide how much the elderly person needs help. Assess what kind of care and assistance your loved one needs. Be honest about the type of service and assistance the person will need.

Talk to an older person while both of you are relaxed. Choose a moment when both of you are relaxed and open to talking. This will make it easier for the two of you to talk openly and honestly and listen to what the other person has to say.

Ask the older person about their personal preferences. They may feel like they are losing their freedom and autonomy when they ask for help, so it's important to consider their wishes. Ask them to say in their own words how they understand care from family members or special services. You may not be able to fulfill all their wishes, but it is important to listen and consider them.
- If your loved one is having a hard time understanding you, try to simplify your explanations and questions so that you are easier to understand.
Ask other family members to help when talking to the older person. Have family and friends help you when you talk to your loved ones. They can help convince your loved one to accept help.

According to statistics, 30% of octogenarians suffer from dementia disorders. At the same time, according to the forecast of Rosstat, in 10 years there will be twice as many representatives of this age category in Russia. This means that the problems of caring for the elderly will affect many families.

Guilt - or life

The traditional Russian way of life implies multigenerational and indispensable care of family members for each other. Any step aside is condemned by society. Therefore, adult children decide to cope with the problem on their own.

65-year-old Dina does not have an overwhelming sense of guilt before her mother - she spent 9 years at the bedside of an elderly, almost completely paralyzed woman suffering from a severe form of dementia. From time to time, Dina still worries about whether she was an attentive enough nurse, but something else gnaws at her much more strongly - her daughter grew up without her, at the other end of Moscow. They saw each other a maximum of once a month - leaving a helpless mother even for half a day was worth unimaginable torment. Nobody reproaches Dina, but she herself is tormented by guilt before her adult 40-year-old daughter.

Another close friend, Katya, raised her son, became a grandmother, then became a widow, but in a couple of years she gathered her strength and continued to live, working as a chief accountant in a large company. Then another misfortune happened - two strokes bedridden the mother. The father is healthy and receives a good pension. Katya's earnings are also above the average. But the father even refused a temporary nurse - after all, they "have a daughter", who now for the second year has been coming to her parents' house three times a week to look after her sick mother, and at the same time for her father and the apartment as a whole (refusal of the housekeeper by the father also argued by the presence of a daughter).

All adult children experience guilt.

Shopping, cooking, difficult and responsible work in every sense, own house - everything is on Katya's shoulders. As a result, the woman fell into a deep depression. But no one thinks what might happen if something happens to her. She is only 48, but in such conditions and with such a load, how much longer can this super-responsible daughter hold out?

Stereotypes remain the same: to give a loved one to a nursing home is a terrible betrayal. This is partly due to the Soviet "housing issue", when they tried to get rid of the elderly in order to free up housing for the young. Now, horror stories about the so-called "pirate nursing homes" are adding fuel to the fire.

Absolutely all adult children experience a sense of guilt when faced with a situation where elderly parents lose their independence, and in the worst case, their connection with this world, pose a threat to themselves and loved ones. They forget to turn off the gas, they leave, and then they can't remember where they live. And here even round-the-clock experienced nurses do not always save.

At first, there is an understanding that you yourself, with the help of your family, cannot cope. Then - that you need to accept this feeling that everyone has.

“100% of the people who contact our call center are people with an overwhelming sense of guilt. There are simply no other calls. We reassure everyone: it’s normal that you feel this way, but let’s talk about what your loved one really needs,” says Alexei Sidnev, head of Senior Group, a network of private boarding houses for the elderly.

Other cultural codes

If you look to the left on the map, for example, to Germany, then you can see a different cultural code there. People also grow old, decrepit and need outside help. But the attitude of themselves, and those close to them, and those around them to all these processes and needs is completely different.

This is partly due to the fact that the family is traditionally built differently. Each new generation grows up and separates. They go to university or go to work and rent their own accommodation, sometimes for several people. And parents help them with everyday issues and tuition fees exactly as much as they can, and most importantly, they want. And it doesn't occur to anyone to complain. There are no obligations, there are lovers. Well, or not loving, that's how it happened. But after coming of age, there are no obligations on either side.

When the age comes, imposing certain physical limitations, a nurse appears in the house. Initially, a student girl from the countries of the former socialist bloc is taken to the role of an assistant. She provides comprehensive assistance, and at the same time practices in German. It helps to go for walks: under the arm or in a stroller. And the usual entertainment of German pensioners - gatherings with coffee or beer, dice games, bridge - are moving from cafes and pubs to living rooms. Later, a professional nurse appears.

It is important that relatives are not afraid to talk about their feelings.

When basic needs become a problem, a person moves to a nursing home. Sometimes the initiative comes from the children, sometimes from the parents themselves. But no one here considers this a betrayal and a reference to certain death. And no one needs to prove that this is not so. After all, Grandma wants to keep playing bridge with her girlfriends - only now moving not on foot or in a taxi through a couple of streets, but in a wheelchair through a couple of floors or rooms. Children, grandchildren and friends who have not yet lost their strength come to visit.

Don't be afraid of feelings

The new Russian private pensions have experienced psychologists who work not only with elderly parents, but also with adult children. They have something to tell on this topic from their own practice. Elena Ivanova has been working in Senior Group boarding houses for five years, she advises: “It is important that relatives are not afraid to talk about their feelings.”

For example, 52-year-old Margarita brought her 83-year-old mother Tatyana Petrovna four years ago and suffered for a long time. It is good that she did not hide her feelings, because it is easier to work with people who openly express fears and doubts. They understand that there is an internal conflict and it is necessary to solve this problem. Elena agrees that doubts cannot be left unanswered: they are detrimental to both children and elderly relatives (even those who are in the deep stage of dementia still feel the mood of their loved ones). In addition, this creates problems for the staff: children are unnecessarily distrustful and full of unfounded claims.

Margarita and the psychologist worked for a year until the woman realized that her mother is in good hands, and this is precisely the highest manifestation of child care. After that, the mother's adaptation to the new place also became easier. Moreover, the new situation was more difficult for Margarita than for her mother.

“If you sent your parents, grandparents, uncle, aunt, wife, husband to a boarding house for the elderly - this does not mean that you abandoned them! You continue to care, just in a different form. Including, in order to save the strength to earn money and provide decent care for elderly relatives.”

As a rule, those who have not gone through it themselves are condemned.

It happens differently, continues the psychologist Elena Ivanova. When children know for sure that they offer the right solution, and parents agree with them no less confidently. Nikolai Petrovich is 90 years old, and he did not notice any changes in his wife, 82-year-old Olga Ivanovna. The first signs of dementia were noticed by one of the children - a doctor. After a family council, it was decided to send the mother to a boarding school. After some time, Nikolai Petrovich also wanted to move to her - this is also possible, to live with her husband.

The specialist is sure that adaptation is needed for all families - both for those who brought their loved ones to the boarding house, and for those who moved here, to a new place of residence. Even if an elderly person does not feel that he has been abandoned, written off, he will have to get used to a completely new life, get to know new neighbors, “adapt to cooperation” with employees. This takes time. And often it is the new settlers who need more time than their children, because this is a completely new stage of life. It is necessary, for example, to learn a new daily routine. It takes from a couple of weeks to a month to settle down, but it may take two.

Aleksey Sidnev shares his memories: “There is 1968 cognac in the office. It was brought by a client as a token of gratitude for what we have done for his mother and brought peace back into his own life and the life of his family.” Nine months earlier, says Alexey, a 50-year-old man, a successful businessman, a happy husband and father, appeared on the threshold of the office. He couldn't hold back his tears as he talked about how hell his life had been the last few years. The mother's mental illness (Pick's disease, a rather rare type of dementia) was expressed in aggression, the nurses ran away, the mother suffered. She was given professional help in the hospital, but her son could not take her into the family, she had to think about her own children, who would be frightened and traumatized by such things. He decided to place her in a private boarding school. Relatives stopped talking to him. As a rule, those who have not gone through it themselves are condemned. Now the mother does not know, activation, the right approach, trained staff have done their job.

love is

In Malakhovka, a psychologist who teaches music therapy lessons (this practice works well in working with dementia - slowing down and stopping cognitive impairment) talks about a recent incident. Right in the classroom, one very demented patient began to cry bitterly. At that moment, a “window” opened for her - in the case of dementia, this means that memory is returned to the person in fragments. The woman explained: she is crying because the children are suffering because of her, it hurts them to see how she cannot remember them, and she is terribly sorry for them, she does not want them to suffer.

Guilt in a situation where parents become less and less independent is inevitable. The departure of relatives is a sad event, but such is the course of life. We anticipate it. Whenever someone in the family is preparing to leave for another world, we feel the emptiness that will arise in the place of a loved one. This forces us to try to prevent the inevitable. But these attempts will never be crowned with complete success. It is necessary to turn the question over: how to make this care bright. We all came here and we all will leave sometime, religion and psychotherapy can be of great help.

“If a person, trying to help another, does it to the detriment of his life, then the psyche works in such a way that he begins to gradually hate the one to whom he only wanted good. Instead of caring for parents who are losing their independence with love, children begin to look forward to the departure of an elderly person and suffer from such thoughts themselves. This is very wrong, - says SOAR-certified therapist, psychologist Natalya Petrova. - The attention and visits of children may not be as frequent, but it is important that this is done with pleasure. It is better to hire a professional or transfer to a boarding house, where, in addition to proper care, there will be competent medical and psychological assistance and society. At the same time, love, come, but save your life and family, than wait for the death of a loved one, without admitting it to yourself.