Jewish children. The world should know how wonderful my golden child is! Jewish upbringing and praise
What goals should parents set for themselves?
The educational tasks facing Jewish parents are somewhat beyond the ordinary. Their success cannot be assessed by a set of criteria by which they usually judge how “successful” the child turned out, whether he justified the hopes of his parents, whether they have nahes... Like all parents, Jewish mothers and fathers dream that their child will successfully realize the potential inherent in him: he achieved success, was happy in family life, successful in business, respected in his circle, etc. To achieve this goal, adults use certain educational methods - punishment, encouragement, exhortation, orientation towards authorities. Isn't it true that all of the above applies equally well to any normal family, regardless of its moral climate, foundations, social level, religious affiliation? However, all of this is not enough for a successful Jewish upbringing. All thoughts and deeds accompanying the formation of every Jew as a person must be correlated with the Torah. The children we raise in our families must first of all be good Jews in the sense that the Torah requires, i.e. people who, of their own free will and with joy in their hearts, fulfill their duties before the Almighty and people. A “successful” child in a Jewish family is not only one who is honest, unselfish, generous, generous, but also free from false worries, fears and worries. He fulfills his spiritual duties with joy and completely sincerely, builds his relationship with his parents on the basis of love, respect and fear of them, for these same feelings contribute to the development of love for the Almighty and faith in Him in a person. It is the parents who must cultivate in their children the traits of a Jew who lives according to the Torah. This lofty task is entrusted to our people, and in order to achieve it, it is necessary to adhere to a clear system of pedagogical methods and a special philosophy of education.
First of all, the parents themselves must live in accordance with the Torah and possess those human qualities that they would like to see in their children. This requires adults to constantly and persistently work on themselves, educate themselves middot(character traits) prescribed by the Torah. It would be naive to assume that many of us adults are close to the ideal, but it is important to constantly strive for self-improvement. When children observe how people close to them sincerely strive to change something for the better in themselves, this encourages them to deal with problems in themselves, equips them with patience in the fight against possible mistakes and shortcomings. In turn, this reinforces the optimism in people, which is so necessary for continued spiritual development. However, in addition to positive examples that parents should give their children, a necessary condition for a person's spiritual ascent is his fulfillment of the commandments. Among them are those that determine the relationship between people, and those that relate to invisible contacts with the Almighty.
In families where there is a close emotional connection between children and parents, the latter have an extraordinary power to influence adolescents. This power — parental authority — is prescribed for us by the Torah. By alahe - Jewish law - a child is obliged to distinguish his parents from all the people he has to deal with in life 2. The Creator prescribes a natural fear of parents, combined with deep reverence and respect. All children are characterized by some idealization of people dear to them, so they often feel reverent for their parents and feel their strongest influence on themselves. Even at a more mature age, when blind obedience gives way to sober assessments, children continue to consider their parents to be extraordinary people. Rabbi Eruham Leibovich, mashgiah(spiritual leader) stitching"Peace" in the 30s, argued that everyone should look for wonderful traits in their parents in order to properly perform mitzvah(commandment) respect for parents. If children perceive their parents in this light, then every word or deed they utter affects the child in a special way. Any conversation with children, any contact has deep meaning and far-reaching consequences.
Thus, parents constantly feel responsible for everything they say and do. The idea that all our mistakes can cause irreparable harm to children is scary. But one should not become discouraged: in order for mistakes made by parents, often completely unconsciously, to significantly affect the nature of relationships in the family, they must be repeated many times. In addition, constant communication with children and spiritual closeness with them smooth out possible roughness, neutralize the unfavorable resonance from the mistakes made. It is important to take this consciously and skillfully use your power.
What is the basis of parental authority? Love, trust and fear. What is the role of these feelings in the relationship between parents and children, and how do they affect the development of the child? First of all, you need to understand: this relationship is similar to the relationship of the Most High with His children - the Jewish people. Proper upbringing in a Jewish family must reflect the dynamics of the relationship between a person and his Creator. In order to raise a Torah Jewish Jew, we must establish a relationship with our children that is filled with love, trust, and fear. These feelings will help develop in the child love for the Almighty, faith in Him and fear of Him. And then the children will take as a basis the laws of life established by Him in the Torah. If children do not have enough respect for their parents, if they do not recognize their authority, it is difficult to expect that they will develop fear and respect for the Almighty, our highest Authority and unquestioned Power. book author "Se-fer ahinukh"(The Book of Education) explains that the commandment of respect and fear of parents was given in order to teach us to honor and fear the Most High 3.
2 Kitzur shulkhan aruch 143:3.
The Torah distinguishes the relationship between children and parents from all other human relationships, although it prescribes respect for other people 4. In the Torah it is written: "Everyone fear your mother and your father" 5, cursing a mother or father is like someone who curses Gd himself 6. When people honor their mother and father, Gd says: “I look at it as if I lived among them and they would honor Me” 7. Respect for parents and fear of them are necessary for a child to unconditionally follow their instructions, thus becoming accustomed to obey social rules, to easily do what is considered right, and not what he wants to do. It is known that man matures more slowly than other creatures. "From point of view alahi the calf is a mature bull on its birthday ”8. The slow development of a person allows him to prepare him for the lofty tasks for which he was created 9. As an adult, he will fulfill the commandments of the Almighty with the same reverence, respect and fear that he first experienced in relation to his parents. The parents, that is, people, and not the Almighty Himself, should instill these feelings in a child.
3 Shmot: 20: 12.
4 Vayikra 19:18.
5 Ibid. 19: 3.
6 Kidushin 306.
The child should be afraid of the consequences of his unsatisfactory behavior. Then, becoming an adult, he will be afraid of punishment for his misdeeds, knowing that “there is an Eye that sees, and there is an Ear that hears” 10. While accustoming the child to obedience, parents simultaneously introduce him to the concepts of "encouragement" and "punishment". Fear of punishment stimulates obedience. Fear is so necessary for a person who lives according to the laws of the Torah that the Almighty commanded us: "Fear the L-rd, Thy Gd, serve Him and stick to Him" 11.
It should not be forgotten, however, that fear must be based on parental love. Love also entails fear - the fear of disobeying the one you love. Thus, not fear in itself, but love is the main thing in the service of the Almighty 12. That is why it is extremely important to teach a child to love the Almighty - that unity of love and fear, which we wrote about above. Our sages say: “The one who fears Gd is a reward for a thousand generations, and the one who loves Gd - for a thousand thousand generations” 13. The one who loves the Almighty serves Him with joy, this joy also attracts others, as if infecting people with a sincere desire to fulfill the will of Gd. The Torah commands us to achieve this level of love: "And you will love the Lord, your Gd, with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength." Such love makes it easier to fulfill the commandment to praise G-d for all that He sends us, good and bad 15. Full trust is based on this commandment. (bitachon) to the King of the Universe. Bitakhon allows a person to analyze his actions and look in them for those mistakes that entailed punishment. The consequence of this is the desire and readiness of a person to work on himself, eliminating existing shortcomings, improving and improving himself. (teshuva)... Trust is the feeling that connects love and fear. The one who trusts the Almighty realizes that even the punishment that comes from Him contains good in itself. So it is with the parents. If the child trusts them, feels that the punishment is not the result of their bad mood, then in the end he will admit that he is punished deservedly. In this case, the child does not develop a feeling of hostility and a desire to avenge "injustice." eight Bava kama 656.
9 Rabbi Nosson Zvi Finkel, mashgiach stitching Slobodka, 1920.
10 Avot2: \.
11 Dvarim 10:20.
12 Rabeinu Bahia ben Asher, Kad akemakh(New York, Shiloh Publishing House, 1980), p. 31.
13 Honeycomb 31a.
So, we see: love, trust and fear are the most important components of consciousness that Jewish parents must develop in their children. A person experiencing these feelings happily seeks to “please” the Creator and live according to His Torah. This man chose the best of destinies for himself - to live in harmony with himself, for the Torah is also called shalom- "peace", peace of the soul, tranquility and balance 16: "Her paths are pleasant, her paths are peace." Such a person can rightfully be called a “successful product” of Jewish upbringing. So, when parents instill in their children feelings of love, fear and self-confidence, they thereby build the necessary foundation for the spiritual growth of their children, for the development of their relationship with God. These feelings not only form the basis of the spiritual existence of a Jew, but also allow parents to develop their children in the desired direction and in accordance with the most important task of Jewish education: to raise a generation that will follow the example of parents and take over their views, their value system and way of life. We must make sure that our children live like us, believe in what we believe in, continuing the tradition started on Mount Sinai. Thus, by multiplying and passing on the heritage of our people, parents contribute to the preservation of the Torah.
14 Deuteronomy 6: 5.
15 Berachot 54a, 606.
16 Mishlei 3:17.
The process by which parents influence, communicate and teach their children (hinukh), can only be successful with love, trust and fear. Lack of parental love will alienate the child. Lack of faith will cause alienation and disobedience. Fearlessness will push you to find your own paths in life - when parents lose power, children take it into their own hands.
Laying the foundation for lasting love, we attract the child to us with our right, stronger hand (“... the right hand will attract” 17); with the weaker left hand, we push back to instill fear. Then the relationship with the child is carefully balanced and a strict balance arises between love and fear, always with a slight preponderance towards love, so that the child is drawn to his parents and wants to follow their example.
The Torah is the ideal parenting guide. Constantly addressing her on all emerging issues, parents learn what behavior should be approved, what to condemn, what traits and habits to encourage, what - to eradicate. The Torah is the source of mental health and meaningful existence that will guide our children on the path to success.
A recent trip to Israel prompted me to write this article. I drew attention to one small but very significant difference in the upbringing of children in Jewish families and ours.
I share my conclusions.
There is a belief that Jews are a very smart people.
My thesis. Jews do not differ from any other people by their special innate intellect.
The difference is in upbringing.
Yes Yes. In education. They raise their children to be GENIUS. They lay a genius beginning in their children.
That is, from infancy, a child constantly hears and sees by addressing him that he is a genius.
Just think about it ...
How many opportunities this position gives a child !!!
The child grows confident in himself, his strength. He is not scolded for some mistake. They simply do not pay attention to her or calmly explain how to do it correctly.
Moreover, he is constantly praised for any correct and active step.
What does a smart parent do this way? Motivates his child to work, experiment and develop.
The little man lives with the feeling that everything he does is brilliant!
This imposes a certain responsibility on him. For example, it is useless for a child of genius to study poorly, with a brilliant mind to get a deuce, or not to understand some rule.
Since you are a genius, you must constantly confirm this. We are proud of you and believe in you.
A? How do you like it?
How is it customary to bring up our children? I'll make a reservation right away - not all parents treat their children this way. Not all. We also have parents who are smart and think a few steps ahead. Parents who are aware of the power of suggestion and the importance of laying the foundation in a person from infancy.
We forget, we cross out all such demotivators from our vocabulary.
We cultivate the habit of praising and supporting the child.
Below are the phrases that make our children strong, courageous, positive, active, thinking, caring - brilliant:
Dad, look at what a fine fellow our child is!
- You will definitely pass the exam (write the test) - you are so smart
- You will succeed
- Try it again - you will definitely cope!
- You will definitely win (win)!
- What a good thing I have you!
- What do you think, son?
It's great when you help!
- Tell me about your plans
- My dad (mom) and I love you very much
- You do unique things! (You draw, you write, you design)
- You are our pride!
I don’t know about you, but such words cause a warm smile on my face, a desire to do and ... happiness.
Instill, dear parents, your children with the desire to live and love!
And your children will grow up to be brilliant!
Once again, we will formulate the main 7 rules of education:
1. You can not create complexes for children
A Jewish mother will never say - you are bad, she will say - how could a good boy like you do such a stupid thing?
“My child has no, and cannot have any shortcomings” - this is the position of Jewish mothers. Perhaps they see them, but besides them, no one will know about it.
2. Reasonable freedom
Modern Jewish upbringing combines two seemingly contradictory things: the freedom of the child and the rigidity of requirements. A good metaphor for this style: a spacious, vacant room with hard walls.
In Jewish families, kids want their parents over the head, and painting dad's passport with mom’s Stobucks lipstick is not a reason to look reproachfully at the child. For Jewish parents, the freedom of a child is not a special "upbringing", but the air that one cannot help but breathe.
Hard parenting begins when a child crosses the lines of the unacceptable. In a Jewish family, it is clear that you can pour your mother's perfume on yard cats, but you cannot beat your grandmother on the head.
3. Praise your child for any reason
Mom always praises her child. This praise begins at the very birth of the child. The Jewish mother admires even the smallest successes, the achievements of the baby, even if it is just a new syllable or the first inept blot as the first drawing. All friends and acquaintances will surely find out about this, and most importantly, the child should see that he is being praised in the presence of everyone. If the child's achievements are more serious, then one cannot do without long applause and praise from the whole family.
If we train ourselves to notice all the good things in children, including the "little things", and to encourage them at every opportunity, this may radically change their behavior. To reinforce their desire for good, allow them to somehow "eavesdrop" on how we tell our friends about their successes.
4. A high degree of responsibility for their behavior
Jews believe that even the most insignificant word thrown in a hurry and a minor offense committed by a parent in front of a child can have irreversible consequences, therefore, by their example and very responsible behavior in relation to everything said and done, Jewish parents direct their children.
5. Love and respect in the family is a guarantee of the child's mental health
Jewish tradition explains that the basis of any family is the husband and wife - father and mother. Therefore, children must be taught from an early age to the fact that the mother's attention to the father and the father to the mother is always put in the first place. If a child learns that his parents live, first of all, for each other, makes sure that their relationship is saturated with respect, love and care, he will feel protected. And besides, this behavior of parents is a great example to follow. This is the kind of relationship he will try to create in his own family when he grows up.
6. Learn to be parents
Parenting begins even before the baby is born. The girl, entering into marriage, is already ready to become a mother, she is not taught to “live for herself”, her main career is home and family. If initially motherhood and fatherhood are considered as a burden, a restriction, then it will be very difficult to raise a good child. As you know, where you direct your forces, from there you get.
In an effort to bring up successful, independent and firmly standing children, the Jewish sages have developed a whole system of upbringing, which anyone in Israel can get acquainted with at special parenting courses. Similar courses are available at synagogues and Jewish schools in many cities around the world. Here is the first law of successful upbringing - it begins with your own upbringing and education, the acquisition of separate professions "wife and mother" and "husband and father".
7. Teach children to manage their time correctly
Jewish children do not know what laziness and idle chatting around the courtyards are: violin, English, mathematics - all at the same time and in large quantities. From an early age, children are accustomed to the fact that it is normal to be constantly busy with business.
Princesses of Judea - that's what Jewish girls are called. How their parents treat them as princesses and they feel like real princesses in society.
Historically, she brought up girls from childhood until the age of majority. She taught girls about housework and women's handicrafts. Girls were prepared for the main role in life - a wife and a mother, because family and children are a manifestation of happiness and fulfillment, fulfillment - the main project for a person in Judaism. Perfect uh Shet Hile- a virtuous spouse and energetic mistress of the house. (Before getting married, you can complete the parenting courses that work for some)
At the same time, the father is responsible for teaching the children the Torah and for the girls' behavior - how chaste it is.
An important rule of Jewish upbringing is that children inherit the behavior and traditions that exist in their parents' home. And if the latter want to teach children certain qualities, then first they must make sure that these qualities are in them themselves. It was also important for parents to establish such a relationship so that children treat them with love, respect and trust. It is the mutual unconditional love of parents and children that helped and helps to convey the main principles and values to children. Live according to the laws of the Torah, observe Jewish traditions, respect the elders and take care of the younger ones, love and support each other. Parents turn to the Torah for answers to questions about what to encourage and what to punish their children for.
Tsniut
Upbringing in the rules of modesty and severity was important in the upbringing of girls. Girls observe: the skirt is below the knees, the elbows and collarbones are closed. Accuracy, respect and solicitude in everything - not only in external manifestations, but also in its internal qualities. Modesty not only in behavior, but also in thoughts, not only in front of others, but also in front of herself. Modesty is built on respect. Without respect for oneself, it is impossible to carry oneself with dignity and receive respect from others. And this is brought up through love and respect for the girl. If her parents unconditionally love her from childhood and treat her with care, she will also treat herself and will not allow others to disrespect herself. Tsniut is about carrying yourself with the dignity of a princess in any situation.
Torah Teaching
According to the Talmud, before a woman, unlike a man, was not obliged to study the Torah and teach her to her children. At the same time, in the Jewish tradition at different times there were women who knew both the Written and Oral Torah well. And they even taught in, through the wall, so that the woman was not visible to the students. Some women gave "Alahic consultations" to the sages or participated in their disputes. The most famous of them is Brurya, daughter of Rabbi Hanina ben Tradion and wife of Rabbi Meir.
For a very long time they studied at home, reading and the practical laws that they had to follow. But over time, formal education for girls simply became a necessity. Such an education in an orthodox school helped to study not only the formal side of the commandments, but also gave an understanding of why you need to live according to the laws of the Torah and a person's place in the world. This knowledge helps to protect Jews from assimilation. In Jewish communities there are schools for girls, in which the Tanakh is taught. In some religious schools, girls can study the Talmud.
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Secrets of Jewish mothers: 6 principles of raising smart children. The Jewish people take the education of their children very seriously. High-quality education, well-being and a happy childhood for a child are almost a national idea.These principles, established from an early age, help Jews to become wise, purposeful and confident in adulthood.
Here are 6 wise parenting rules Jewish moms use. Take note of them, and then your child will grow up to be a harmonious and happy person! Secrets of Jewish mothers: 6 principles of raising smart children.
My child is gold. He just does stupid things sometimes. A Jewish mother will not only not say, but will not even think that her child is bad. From her we will hear: "How such a wonderful boy could have done such a stupid thing?"
Disobedience, pranks are typical of children. And the constant criticism of the child only nurtures complexes in him. Therefore, the child is always good! Only his act can be bad. The purpose of education is to find the reasons for this act and get rid of them.
A child can do everything, except what he is not allowed. In Jewish families, children are allowed a lot, do not scold over trifles, do not pay attention to minor offenses.
But there are things that can never be done under any circumstances. This concerns respect for elders, study, health and other important things. These prohibitions are few, but they are unforgiving.
The world should know how beautiful my baby is! It is worth praising the child and being proud of him not only alone with him, but also in conversations with friends, acquaintances, relatives.This is so normal for Jewish parents, but so unusual for us ... Give your child the opportunity to understand how proud you are of him, and he will try to please you even more.
Be happy in your family, so that the child is happy in his own. A child is not repeated a lot in a Jewish family, and is not reprimanded. He's just being set as a good example.
The child constantly monitors your actions and adopts them. If you want to teach your child to enjoy life - rejoice yourself! If you want him to live happily - be happy!
Parenting is a whole science. Children in a Jewish family are raised so that they grow up to be good parents. Educational methods are laid through games and fun, and parenting courses are taught in schools and synagogues.
The child must be busy. There is less time for stupidity. Jewish children get used to regular activities from early childhood. It helps them grow persistent and work hard on their dreams.
I have long been occupied with the question of what is the secret of the Jewish success in life. Maybe there is something important and useful for all of us in the peculiarities of their tradition and upbringing? Some secret principles of upbringing Jews were told to me by an interesting woman Khana Yerish - mother of 9 children, Orthodox (Chabad) Jewess, author and moderator of the site "Grow Chabadnik", "Upbringing and Education of Jews"
What is most valuable to a Jewish family? How are children perceived from the point of view of Judaism? What is the task of education?
H.E: The greatest value of a Jewish family is peace, harmony, mutual understanding. Because without this, its full functioning is impossible, the transfer of knowledge and spiritual values from generation to generation, the normal interaction of each of its members with the outside world. Therefore, for example, during a wedding ceremony, the bride and groom want their union to be an “eternal building”.
From the point of view of Judaism, children are the main project. There is a legend that, when presenting the Torah on Mount Sinai, the Almighty demanded guarantors: who will guarantee that the receiving party is worthy of such a gift? The Jewish people offered the forefathers and the righteous as guarantors, but these candidates "did not fit." Only by saying “our children are our guarantors,” the Jews were rewarded with the gift of the Torah. There are two principles in a person: good and evil. A certain set of qualities is initially inherent in a child's soul. The task of the parents is to teach the child to distinguish good from bad, to strengthen his strengths and work on correcting weaknesses. At the same time, this or that soul comes specifically to this family for a reason. Raising children, parents correct and improve something in themselves. Therefore, we can say that children are our continuation. After all, a person is alive while his descendants are alive.
Jewish adulthood begins at 12 for girls and at 13 for boys. This means that from that moment on they themselves are responsible for their actions before the High Court. Of course, parenting doesn't end there. On the contrary: the newly minted "adult" needs a lot of help and support in his personal adult confrontation with the evil principle. On this topic, there is a famous story about how one boy, on the eve of his Jewish adulthood, came to the Lubavitcher Rebbe for a blessing. And the Rebbe said to him: “You love baseball, don't you? - Oh sure. - And which game is more interesting: when the boys play in the yard, or real professionals? - Of course, professionals. There are also two "teams" in your soul - a good and an evil beginning, which compete with each other. Until now, everything that happened was child's play. The real struggle of professionals begins today. And remember: the one who plays the best wins. " Teaching a child to “play better” is the ultimate goal of Jewish upbringing.
D.O: What are the principles underlying Jewish education and how are they implemented?
HE: The most important principle of Jewish upbringing is not to be ideal, but to be real. Feeling responsible for a soul entrusted from above (or even several souls!), A person may think: who am I to carry out such a mission! I myself am imperfect and full of flaws - what can I teach others? The problem is that perfection is likely to remain elusive. Therefore, this is not at all a reason to postpone the upbringing process indefinitely. Parents are not monuments on a pedestal, but living people. They make mistakes and they have the right to do so. When children see how parents work on themselves, correct their shortcomings, this is the best lesson for them, more eloquent than a thousand moral teachings.
“Being real” implies self-criticism, the ability to give oneself an objective assessment, to make a truthful self-report. Before educating others, a person must be aware of the real pros and cons of his character, without inventing imaginary merits or hiding weak points.
The next principle is the well-known "law of the mirror". If we notice a flaw in another person, this indicates that he is in ourselves. Before starting to “correct” and “educate”, it is very important to find the same quality in yourself - even in “homeopathic doses”. This will help to understand the child better, to feel what he is feeling, and, most importantly, to help the child find a way out of the situation. There is an interesting story on the topic. It is known that the Rebbe received visitors at an audience. People came to him for advice, for blessings, and, often - with requests to indicate the way of correction. During one of these personal conversations, the Rebbe suddenly broke off, asked everyone to leave him for a few hours, and locked himself in his office. This was unusual behavior for him. Surprised Hasidim, leaning to the keyhole, saw the Rebbe reading the Psalms, shaking with sobs. A few hours later, the Rebbe, as if nothing had happened, continued the reception. He later explained that one of the visitors spoke about such flaws that the Rebbe could not find in his soul even in microscopic doses. This plunged him into horror: after all, if evil is not detected, it means that it is hidden from his consciousness, which is many times worse! It took the Rebbe several hours of solitude and hard work to discover this flaw in himself and find a way to correct it!
Another important principle of Jewish upbringing is to know your pupil well. Not the invented image as we would like to see it, but a real person with his set of inclinations, qualities, habits. Only on the basis of this knowledge, from a deep understanding of what is good for him (and not for satisfying his ambitions, etc.) can one choose which methods will be effective specifically for this child.
Our sages advise against trying to correct more than one quality at a time. It often happens that we make remark after remark: both this is bad, and this is no good, but this - in general, stop immediately. As a result, the child, at best, simply stops responding to the endless stream of criticism. And at worst, he will feel aggression towards him and an attempt to "break" him: after all, these habits and shortcomings are his personality, he simply is not able to get rid of everything at once, while remaining himself. Therefore, from all the negative qualities, we choose what, in our opinion, prevents the child from growing and advancing more than others, and we start with him, without expecting an instant result.
The next principle: clear boundaries. After we recognize ourselves, recognize the child, carefully think over what is good for him and how to achieve this, the chosen line must be followed IRON. There should be no indulgences, excuses, inconsistencies. The child should know that these are the rules of the game, and it will not be otherwise. That this or that requirement of the parents is not a whim according to the mood, but a balanced decision aimed at his good.
And, perhaps, the most important principle, without which everything else is impossible - acceptance and love. It is vitally important for children to be loved: not for special achievements, not for good behavior. Just for the fact that they are, without any conditions. This love will give them strength to become better, confidence in their need and value, without which growth and maximum disclosure of their potential is impossible.
D.O: Should children be encouraged and praised? Should children be scolded and punished? How is it more correct to do it from the point of view of Judaism?
KHE: About the "carrot and stick" method. The wisest of people, Shlomo (Solomon) said: "Let the right hand bring closer, and the left push away." Usually the right hand is stronger, so it is right that rewards, manifestations of love in education prevail over punishments. In rewards, it seems to me, attention and sincerity are important: so that not the slightest achievement of the child goes unnoticed, and that the praise comes from a pure heart.
The punishments have their own nuances. The first and foremost is inner peace. Punishment is not a breakdown of a bad mood; it should not contain an admixture of aggression and anger. The second is the measure for measure principle: the punishment must be proportionate to the offense and follow logically from it. The purpose of punishment is not to "annoy" the child, but to push him to the necessary conclusions, to help correct the misconduct. Third, it is better not to punish at all than to “overdo it” and punish too harshly.
In balancing praise and punishment, you shouldn't go to extremes. There were three righteous forefathers in the history of the Jewish people. Abraham was the embodiment of kindness, and one of his sons grew up as a robber. Isaac (Isaac) symbolizes severity and discipline. One of his sons became a villain. Yaakov is the harmony between kindness and severity, the "middle line". As a result, all 12 of his sons became righteous. We teach from this that the guarantee of a correct upbringing is to keep to the "golden mean".
A little from personal experience: having done something wrong, the child internally expects us to be on his side. When I see that my children are “out of control,” I suggest to them: “Let’s drive away the yetzer together” (translated from Hebrew - the evil inclination). It is important for a person - both small and adult - to feel that he is his pure holy soul, not to associate himself with bad traits of his character. It is important to realize that actions are not the essence of his personality, but a kind of clothing that can be changed to clean if it gets dirty. It’s much easier to change for the better than to succumb to the weight of guilt.
D.O: Could you tell us more about the upbringing system?
JE: In the Hebrew language, the word upbringing is the same root with the name of Hanukkah, and this is no coincidence. Hanukkah is a celebration of light. And our sages say about a person that he is a candle that illuminates the world. At least, ideally, you need to strive for this. We do not close ourselves in our closed world, but try to bring holiness into all the everyday affairs that we have to do. Holiness isn't just about going to synagogue or not turning on the lights on Saturday. Taking back a lost thing is holiness. Helping a little brother or sister is holiness. To be able to forgive and ask for forgiveness is also it. Our children are brought up on the basis of the Torah, they know that we have our own characteristics and laws, in many respects unlike what surrounds them. They know that every nation, like every individual, has its own mission and a unique, inherent and only feasible task. I think this is the key to a person's success - in understanding his place in society, in trust in the Almighty, who gives this place, in respect for others and understanding that their path - so unlike anyone else - is also given from Above. ...
In our tradition, it is customary to teach children to the commandments from a very tender age. There is a joke about how the parents of a newborn baby come to the rabbi for advice: how to raise the treasure? To which the rabbi replies: you are 9 months late.
It is accepted that the expectant mother, even during pregnancy, protects herself from everything that can negatively affect the soul of the baby. A newborn child is surrounded with holiness from the first minutes: it is customary for him to wash his hands immediately after birth. As soon as the child begins to pronounce the first words, the parents teach him several passages from the Torah. From the age of three, the "parenting age" begins, when we teach children to fulfill the commandments: say blessings before and after meals, a special prayer in the morning and before bedtime, and dress modestly. At the same time, at the same age, we teach to cleanliness, accuracy, respect for elders ... Judaism does not call for hiding from the material world. On the contrary, it obliges to illuminate every corner of it. As our sages say, the Almighty wants to have a dwelling in the lower world, and we are the "builders" of this very dwelling.
D.O: What advice can you give readers so that the upbringing process goes for the good of the little man and society as a whole?
D.O: I don't feel like a wise and experienced mom to be entitled to give advice. Taking this opportunity, I will just share with the readers interesting and useful thoughts that I have learned from the Torah, and which, in my opinion, are of a universal nature.
Upbringing is a certain talent. If you have someone to educate, it means that you have the ability to do so. After all, it does not happen that a person is given unbearable tests. Moreover, the ability to educate can be developed. The athlete, by exercising regularly, strengthens his muscles and improves results. Likewise, parents, paying attention to the issue of education, giving it a permanent place in their hearts and minds, will ultimately succeed.
Raising children, students, and ourselves, we often encounter negative manifestations of character - rudeness, callousness, rudeness, laziness. These difficulties should not discourage us. There is a beautiful parable about how a man had two plots of land: fertile and stony. On the first, everything literally grew by itself and did not require much effort. The second took all the time and energy, and only after many years did a person see the fruits of his hard work. Guess the harvest from which of the two plots brought more joy to the owner?
All these (and not only these) rules for education are good and beautiful on paper, in theory. In fact, things are not always so smooth. In addition, every time parents learn something new and interesting on a topic, they have mixed feelings. On the one hand - "wow, how great, I will certainly continue to use this." On the other hand, there is a feeling of guilt and an understanding of how many mistakes were made unknowingly. As a cure for this - one more quote in the end: "If you believe that you can spoil - believe that you can fix it." Let education always go hand in hand with joy - because joy breaks all barriers!
Interviewed by Daria Orlova