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Strict parents and parenting mistakes they make. Consequences of strict parenting

Strict parenting and its consequences

People around you see your family as role models, and you and your spouse as model parents. But not so long ago, you noticed that the child is reluctant to share his plans, avoids long conversations, or changes the topic of conversation. He is cocky at every opportunity. Remember the first time that an incident occurred that worried you. Be objective in assessing your own actions. Perhaps the root of the problem lies in the behavior of the strict parents, not the child. Consider if you are making the following mistakes in your relationship with your child.

Excessive custody

As you become accustomed to controlling subordinates, you transfer the same relationship model to your own family. However, it is worth remembering that the rules that are suitable for communicating with colleagues often do not work with family members. In addition, by constantly taking care of the child, you:

1. Do not give him the opportunity to make an independent choice in a given situation. That is, you are depriving your child of practical experience and the correct model of behavior.

2. You run the risk of embarrassing your child in front of peers. Remember if you ever chastised your offspring or asked in detail about the plans in front of his friends. Of course, your concern and interest as a parent is understandable. But sometimes children, with their inherent maximalism, can misinterpret the actions of adults.

Personality rejection

From an early age, have you taught your child to have his own opinion and are not afraid to express it? In this case, do not contradict yourself by trying to challenge the child's opinion with the simplest, but often ridiculous, argument: "You are still too young to talk about this topic." It is possible that you are right. However, you should not suppress any initiative in the child. It is better to explain to him what the mistake is, and if you agree with his arguments, praise. Recognize the child's personality.

Usually, the echoes of such situations are not long in coming. The child is indifferent to everything or, on the contrary, becomes nervous and aggressive. Aggression can be directed at both parents and outsiders. Academic performance falls and interest in favorite hobbies decreases.

In adulthood, as a rule, this is expressed in infantilism and the inability of a person to exist in society.

Increasingly, the reason for turning to psychologists is the excessive severity of adults in relation to their babies. Many parents believe that children must be kept in tight hands, otherwise weak-willed or even licentious people will grow out of them. Are you too hard on your child? Do you think that your expectations may be overestimated?

The concept of "unjustified severity" is increasingly common in Russian and Western psychological literature. However, many experts still find it difficult to draw a clear line between the necessary and unjustified severity of dads and moms. In fact, this is not surprising. After all, the norms of behavior and the framework of acceptable parental reactions are individual for each family and are not determined by one single factor.

Here are 15 signs you might be being overly strict with your child:

  1. You "profess" a "zero tolerance" policy. No one disputes how important it is to have clear rules for the safe development of a child. However, it must be clearly understood that there are exceptions to each rule. Instead of taking an authoritarian position, show a willingness to evaluate the child's behavior in the context of specific circumstances: “Yes, I have said many times that you cannot fight. But I understand that you wanted to protect the girl. "
  2. Your child lies a lot. Many preschoolers like to exaggerate and brag a little. However, research by psychologists clearly shows that harsh discipline is a sure way to turn little visionaries into hardened liars. If you are too strict, your child may cheat for any reason to avoid harsh punishment.
  3. Your child has more restrictions than other children. Rules and restrictions vary from family to family. But if the number of restrictions in your home exceeds all imaginable and unimaginable measures, this may be a sign of overestimated expectations.
  4. You are intolerant of childish jokes. Preschool childhood is a great time for nonsense, cute and funny tricks, noisy fuss and funny games. Do you think that children need to learn and not do all kinds of stupid things? Of course, jokes quickly get boring, and your child's play can put you in an awkward position. However, maybe you should enjoy the moment and have fun with your baby?
  5. You condemn other people's educational measures. Strict parents categorically do not like that the teacher uses excessive liberties with children, lisps with them instead of teaching discipline and correct behavior (obedience). Remember that it is important for children to be open to adults who "preach" different educational methods. This is how they adapt to adulthood.
  6. Your list of rules is too long. The more rules, the less likely your child will be able to follow them all. Establish simple yet effective guidelines for your baby to remember. Write a list of the most important household rules on a piece of paper and refer to it in case of a dispute.
  7. The child does not have time for rest and play. Some modern children are so busy after kindergarten that they do not even have half an hour left for free activity, harmless hobbies and the usual fuss with their peers. By the way, many psychologists believe that in preschool age the desire to play and communicate with friends is much more important and useful than the ability to count to a hundred or knowledge of letters.
  8. Do not give the right to make mistakes. Strict parents try to do everything to prevent their child from making mistakes. But children learn from their mistakes when they face the consequences of their own actions.
  9. You find fault too often. The eternal discontent of the parents does not allow the baby to take responsibility for his actions. If you find fault with your child every time he draws, cleans the room, plays a musical instrument, then he will not be able to learn how to do his job on his own.
  10. You are constantly giving directions. Have you noticed that you constantly remind your children of something like “sit up straight,” “don’t shirk when walking,” “stop keeping your hands in your pockets”? Try to keep the instructions for the most important situations, then your voice will definitely be heard.
  11. You are not offering a choice. Instead of asking, “What will you do first: get dressed or make the bed?” Strict parents are often just giving orders. Give your kids some freedom, especially if both are beneficial.
  12. You insist on your solution. Sometimes overly demanding adults insist on their own way of solving problems, not giving the child the opportunity to learn and improvise: "Masha, you need to add words from cubes, not build turrets!" Remember, children not only need instruction from adults, but also creativity and flexibility.
  13. You praise the result, not the effort. Strict parents do not pamper their children with words of praise too much. And if they allow approval, then only for the achieved (usually high) result. The most beautiful drawing, the first place in the reading competition, the best plasticine craft ... Very soon your kid may decide that your love for him is due only to his high achievements.
  14. You are constantly threatening. While most parents only occasionally issue warnings to their children, overly demanding parents threaten them on a regular basis. They often say, "Clean up your room immediately, or I'll throw all your toys in the trash bin!" Avoid threats, especially if you are not ready to carry them out, and do not resort to physical punishment. (We also read: 20 phrases that should never be said to children for anything -)
  15. You love to teach. Strict mums and dads often make every activity a must-have lesson. Children cannot draw a drawing without being asked about the color of the paints, or they cannot play with the dollhouse unless they are constantly reminded of the proper placement of furniture. Remember that the game itself provides an opportunity for imagination and an opportunity to go beyond.

Of course, not every child is a little angel who never causes problems. However, not all difficult educational situations can be solved only with the help of rigor. Love your baby, respect him as a person - and you will never go wrong in the necessary balance of impunity and severity.

Note to moms!


Hello girls) I didn't think that the problem of stretch marks would touch me, but I will also write about it))) But there is nowhere to go, so I am writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method will help you too ...

We also read:

Arguments and quarrels with parents are inevitable at any age. However, any problems can be solved, even if the parents are strict or often angry. It is important to give parents an opportunity to calm down, understand the reasons for their behavior and find a way to peacefully resolve the conflict in order to avoid unnecessary aggression.


Important: Severity and violent tendencies are not the same. If you think your parents are physically or mentally abusive towards you or someone else, report it to law enforcement.

Steps

How to defend your point of view in conversations

    Try to calm down before talking to your parents. You will not be able to convey your point of view to your parents if you shout. Remember that during a conversation, people reflect the other person's behavior: the louder and more aggressive you speak, the more parents will turn on. If you calm down and behave peacefully, they will do the same. If the conversation gets out of hand, return to it an hour or later after the conflict. Don't discuss issues while emotions are raging.

    Admit your wrongs to shift the focus away from your personality. This does not mean that you should silently swallow all the accusations. Just give your parents an olive branch. More often than not, parents get angry not because they like it, but because they think you made a mistake or showed disrespect towards them. Even if you haven't done anything wrong, apologize for the misunderstanding and promise to fix the situation. If you offer peace, however small, you can quickly extinguish negative energy. It's enough to start with an apology.

    Don't interrupt. This can be the most difficult, but not interrupting your parents is very important. Sometimes a parent just needs to let off some steam, and you, as his child, are always there and can always listen. While it can be difficult to listen to unpleasant things in silence, 90% of the time a person will run out of accusations simply by letting them talk. Let the parent tell you everything, and when he’s finished, explain what it looks like from your side.

    Review your parents' main points aloud. If you can calmly repeat what was said to your parents in your own words, the parents will see that you understand them. It will be helpful if you can show your parents how what they say fits into the big picture. But more importantly, all of this will allow you to independently manage the conversation and show your parents how their vision concerns you.

    • "I understand that you were worried that something could have happened to me when I did not call you."
    • "I know that you are afraid that I may not have time to do my homework."
    • "I understand that you are upset because you love me and want the best for me."

  1. Explain your point of view in detail to your parents. Most often, quarrels, anger and aggression are the reason that parents do not know how things look from your side. Instead of telling your parents that they don't know you at all, try to explain to them why you see things differently. Tell them your vision calmly and rationally. It will be more difficult for them to object to you aggressively if you say healthy things. Be prepared to stand up for yourself and explain to your parents that everything has its own reasons.

    • “I didn't think you would take it that way. I just wanted..."
    • "I just want to start by telling you what it looks like from my side."
    • "I understand why you think so, but on my part ..."

  2. Suggest solutions to avoid repeating the fight over the same issue in the future. Don't expect your parents to judge. Be active and make your suggestions. Work with your parents to find a solution to keep the fight from happening again. It is important to show that you are ready for dialogue and that it is important for you to resolve the conflict. Even if it seems to you that only your parents are to blame for everything, this position will allow you to soften their attitude. Be discreet and avoid negative emotions from your parents. For example:

  3. Understand that parenting behavior is caring. In almost all situations, parents do not behave this way because they want to. They are just trying to protect their child. Your parents love you, and their anger is more often than not a reflection of fear — fear that you’re missing, that you don’t respect them and their wishes, that you’re not doing enough in school, and so on. When you understand why your parents are hard on you, it will be easier for you to calm down and calm them down.

    How to ask for more freedom and respect

    1. Make a list of reasonable and doable requests. Telling your parents that they are doing everything to spite you will not help you. You should think about specific examples so that something can be changed. Think about what makes your parents behave the way they do. What can be done to change this?

      • Do not think of this task as a list of requirements. Parents shouldn't feel like hostages.
      • Give reasons for each request. Explain to your parents that you are offended by the nickname they call you, or that you don’t always have time to clean up your room due to homework and exercise.

    2. Find a calm place to talk. When you're calm, tell your parents that you need to talk to them about something important. Choose a quiet place at home where no one will disturb you, and choose a time when both you and your parents will be free. Leave at least an hour to talk.

      • "Can we talk in the living room after dinner?"
      • "I want to talk to you about something important."

    3. Explain to your parents how you feel about their actions. They may not understand that they seem too strict to you. If they know how you are feeling, they may reflect on their behavior and find a way to change something. Be honest, open, and specific. Give examples from the recent past so they don't think you're making it all up.

      • If you want your parents to listen to you, be prepared to listen to them too. You may find that your behavior also hurts your parents.
      • Do not blame your parents and speak calmly, otherwise they will become defensive and angry even more.

    4. Continue to participate in the conversation, even if it gets very emotional. Nod when your parents say, don't cross your arms and legs, and look your parents in the eye. Gestures and facial expressions will let your parents know that you are listening, and it will be easier for them to continue the conversation. You will appear to be a calm, mature person who is willing to compromise and who has his own good reasons.

      • Don't sigh or use gestures that show displeasure.
      • Do not cross your arms or legs - this will make it seem like you are trying to distance yourself.
      • Do not run a pen on paper, look at your hands, or touch objects in your hands while your parents are talking. Give them your full attention.

    5. Have meaningful, realistic goals for all of you. After explaining how you feel to your parents, state your requests. Tell them that you want to work with them on the goals and that you value their contributions. If you have reasonable and justifiable goals, it will be easier for you to track changes and indicate to your parents that they are not fulfilling their promises if they do.

      • If you want to spend more time with your friends, promise to meet them only after you have completed your homework and chores.
      • If you feel like you have too much household chores, show your parents your schedule and suggest that you only do chores on certain days.

    6. Engage with your parents every day and strive to build mutual respect. One conversation won't change all of your relationship - it's a long process, so you will need to remind your parents of your promises from time to time and make sure they keep their word.

      How to deal with chronically strict parents

      1. Try to understand your parents' motives. Think about how the parents feel about the situation and analyze their motives. Chances are, they're not just doing this because of you. Perhaps they have other reasons to be nervous and anxious, as well as other problems. It is possible that because of this they break down on you. But this happens in any family.

        • Can you help parents cope with stress? Perhaps taking on 1–2 additional chores around the house will help them relax and calm down.
        • Is parental strictness really that problematic? Maybe they're just not in the mood for work? Or are they always too hard on you?
        • Try to ignore one-off conflicts and think if your parents support you, do they love you and do they care about you? All parents complain from time to time, but that doesn't mean they don't like you.
      2. is not an abuse of parental rights. But you should seek help from a school psychologist, social work, or call the police (102) if you:
      • Time is your best ally. Try to pause between arguments and don't bother your parents after an event that made them angry. All people are more accommodating in a calm state.
      • Don't let your parents discount your feelings. Just because they've had a tough day doesn't mean you have no right to take offense and ask them to apologize.
      • Always try to reach out to your parents. The rights of the child say that all children have the right to express their thoughts.
      • Remain calm and try to understand your parents' point of view. The situation may not be as difficult as you think.
      • If you have an argument with your parent, at the end of the conversation or after a couple of hours, apologize and hug the parent. Chances are, the father or mother feels as bad as you do.
      • If your parents are mentally or physically abusive, call the police or talk to social workers, or talk to people you trust (friends, family, teachers, school counselor). No matter how serious the problems may seem, someone will be sure to help you.
      • If you think your parents are abusing their rights, know that you can tell people about it. If you have a bad relationship with your parents, try doing something together with them. You can also talk to a school counselor.

Children are our endless happiness, but even that, unfortunately, is never cloudless. I would like the child to always be obedient, understanding, so that he does not upset the parents from day to day, does not force him to scream and convulsively grab the belt. But not everyone succeeds in this, and the point here is not at all in children, but in parents, who can find it difficult to decide how to raise their child - in affection and permissiveness or in severity? Hence the constant tossing between shouts and insults on the one hand, and excessive loyalty on the other.

Let's say right away that the problem of the correctness of raising children is by no means new, and even today teachers from different countries argue about how to raise a child correctly. It is not so easy to raise a baby so that a person who is developed in all respects grows out of him, with a healthy psyche and correct moral foundations, and not an embittered and notorious individual with mental trauma received from overly strict parents.

In this article, we will try to find a balance between love and strictness in order to remain a friend, mentor and support to your child, but at the same time make tough decisions when necessary.


Western experience in parenting

Today in our country the model of partnership with children is becoming more and more popular. This is a relationship where the parent is a friend who interacts with their baby with utmost respect. He tries not to punish the child for anything and to negotiate everything with him. On the one hand, it is incredibly attractive to raise a child without infringing on his rights, without suppressing or intimidating him, giving him the opportunity to show his individuality and only protecting him from adversity.

Theoretically, such a model looks ideal, because it allows a child from an early age to feel equal among equals. However, in practice, everything is much more complicated.

Take Germany as an example, where the partner parenting model has been dominant since the early 1990s. That is, one generation of children has already grown up there, brought up in similar conditions, and a second is on the way. And what can be noted now?

The first thing to note is that children in German gardens lack respect for adults, which seems disrespectful to people raised in traditional ways. When such kids meet, they don't say “Hello!”, You won't hear “Thank you!” From them, when you help them in something, they may defiantly not listen to adults.

Moreover, those kids from the 90s who are now 30–35 years old are much more childish than people of past generations. They do not seek to start a family, rarely remain faithful to their loved ones, more often avoid responsibility, are more lazy and are characterized as selfish.

On this wave, child psychotherapist Michael Winterhoff wrote the book Why Our Children Become Tyrants. Today it is incredibly popular in Germany, because it describes very accurately all the weaknesses of such a model of upbringing. According to the author, attempts by parents to be “equal” with their child up to a certain age, not only do not bring success, but also cause serious harm. A child in preschool, and even at school age, still does not have that experience and that knowledge about the world around him that would help him make the right decisions, and therefore he often makes mistakes. And if someone more experienced does not point out these mistakes to the baby, the baby, becoming an adult, will think that he is doing everything right. That is why any child needs not just a friend and partner, but a person who is responsible for him, who teaches and guides the baby, limits his actions when necessary, and points out the mistakes he makes.

Moreover, the absence of a person next to him who would take responsibility and lead him, is very tiring for the child and contributes to the development of his emotional instability, anxiety and hysteria. Therefore, if parents want to bring up a mentally healthy person who is ready to take responsibility in adult life, up to a certain age, the baby must be brought up according to the traditional "Adult-child" model. If the parent's authority is indisputable, the child is calm and confident in himself, he always knows who to ask for advice and to whom to entrust his doubts and fears.

Useful rigor

Statistics also speaks of the benefits of moderate severity in raising a child. After conducting a long study, experts from the University of Essex (UK) came to a consensus that children who were brought up in strictness grew up more successful individuals. From the outside it may seem that excessive control and discontent of strict parents violates the child's psyche, but in practice it turns out quite the opposite. This approach to upbringing gives kids confidence in themselves, teaches them to set goals and achieve them.

The study was conducted from 2004 to 2010, and more than 15,000 children and their parents took part in it. It turned out that 86% of children, whom parents from an early age kept "in tight hands", as adults, received higher education. This suggests that children with a traditional approach to parenting grow up to be self-confident and extremely persistent personalities.

In addition, an interesting detail emerged. Girls who were raised by their mothers in severity, becoming adults, were less likely to become pregnant before the age of 20, in contrast to their peers. Moreover, in adulthood, these girls moved up the career ladder much faster and more confidently, which undoubtedly proves a certain connection between strict upbringing and success.

And, what is most interesting, having become adults, young people thank their parents for their strictness in upbringing, or rather, for the efforts that dads and mothers made to make their children grow up successful people. Most of these young people confidently declare that they will bring up their children according to this scheme.

How to raise a child in strictness, but at the same time with respect for him

So, we have become firmly convinced that it is most correct to raise a child in moderate severity. Moreover, the majority of modern parents, even without the above facts, understand the benefits of such an approach to education. Another thing is that not all parents know how to show their severity so as not to offend, and even more so not to humiliate their baby. For those parents who find it difficult to find the line between severity and humiliation, our memo for parents will help.


Memo for parents on raising children in strictness

1. What a child should not be punished for
First of all, remember that the child cannot be punished for mistakes that he cannot correct, for example, for congenital defects (stuttering) or obsessive actions (biting nails). Here it is already necessary to contact the specialists who can help the child. The same can be said for poor academic performance. By punishing your child for academic failure, you instill in him a persistent dislike of learning, teach him to skip school and tear out pages with bad marks from the diary.

You cannot punish a crumb if he did not know that he was doing a bad deed. You just need to explain to him that this cannot be done in the future. In the same way, you cannot punish a child if you find out about his misconduct after a long time. Perhaps today the child would no longer have made those mistakes and regrets for past mistakes. If he still does not understand that he did wrong, explain him wrong, and tell me how upset you are by his behavior.

2. How you can not punish a baby
You can punish a baby only on a "cold head" and only with love for him. Moreover, moments of cruelty in such punishment, such as cuffs, pinching, twisting the ears or hitting the buttocks, should not be allowed! Sometimes, parents, having learned about the child's misconduct, get irritated, flare up and punish the child more severely than he deserves. Sometimes parents even take out their irritability, their bad mood and their own failures on the baby. This should not be allowed! You can inflict bodily harm on your baby, and besides, injure his psyche, which is why in the future the baby will be pathologically afraid of punishment and shy away from your every sudden movement. Understand that kids should be afraid to upset mom and dad, not the belt they received!

You should not punish the child with housework if you do not want to instill in him a dislike of cleaning the house. And if a child is bad at washing dishes or sweeping the floor, you will punish him for this too?

In addition, you cannot punish your child in the presence of other people, especially his friends. You want to punish him, not humiliate him? By humiliating your child, calling him names, or using physical force in front of others, you will achieve only one thing - the child will hate you!

Finally, remember that you cannot punish a crumb several times for one offense. Having forbidden him to play the tablet today as a punishment, you should not forbid him tomorrow, arguing that he is still paying for what happened. Even criminals are not tried for one crime.

3. How you can punish your baby
Dad or mom must explain to the baby what exactly he was wrong, and what should not be done in the future. Better to limit yourself to suggestion, and not hysterical screams and threats. You will not achieve anything with your expression, only put fear in the soul of the child.

4. Punishment as a means of education
Of course, in the process of growing up, the baby makes mistakes that can cause material or moral harm to others. However, this does not mean that the punishment should be greater than or equal to the offense committed. Nevertheless, parents and children are in different "weight categories", and the psyche of babies is much weaker and more receptive. Therefore, in order not to harm the child, parents must find a way to make the punishment as humane as possible, to help the baby correct mistakes, and not to achieve absolute obedience from him.

To do this, remember:

- kids will not forgive you unfair punishment. And quite the opposite, they will understand everything, and will not be offended if they were punished for the cause;

- punishment must be accompanied by persuasion. The soulful words of a dad or mom will bring much more benefit than strict restrictions, screaming and assault;

- you can never rush to punish. To begin with, sort out the situation, establish what exactly the child is to blame, and only then, calmly, calmly issue your verdict;

- you need to punish the child only if when all other methods of influencing him have been exhausted and have not brought positive results;

- the punishment must be individualized. It is enough to look at one kid strictly so that he understands everything, the other needs to be explained in what exactly he is wrong, and the third needs a ban;

- punishment must not be abused. If the punishment from the parents becomes a habit, the baby will cease to feel remorse. And in this case, all the benefits from it will be lost.

And now let's turn to the famous psychotherapist V.L. Levi. In one of his many books, he gave 7 rules that parents should follow when deciding to punish a child.

In our time, it is generally accepted that our parents raised us wrong. That we all grew up traumatized, insecure and unhappy, because a strict upbringing did not imply the concept of "personality", "choice" and "freedom." Psychologists and manuals for young parents advise giving the child more freedom.

But observations show the opposite. Erica Rasson, a professor at the University of Essex, conducted a study that showed that strict and demanding mothers successful children grow up. Our editorial staff will tell you in more detail.

Strict upbringing

It should be noted right away that severity has nothing to do with physical violence. This refers to exactingness and limitations, but not a belt and buckwheat. The research is based on a survey of more than 15,000 children aged 13-14 years over 6 years. So, children whose parents were very strict have much more persistence and self-confidence.

Children who had annoying and uncompromising mothers often graduated from college and got good jobs. It may seem strange, but with demanding and strict mothers, children became successful. The results of the study showed that girls whose mothers are too persistent are 4% less likely to become pregnant at a young age.

“In many cases, we succeed in doing what we feel is most convenient for us, even if it goes against the will of our parents. But no matter how hard we try to avoid our parents, any advice they give influences the decisions we make. However, we believe that we decide everything ourselves "- says Rasson.

Even looking at examples from our lives, you can see that the research is correct. For example, your parents in an ultimatum form forbade you to communicate with Kolka from the second entrance or with Tanyukha, who is sitting on the last desk. And they even explained why exactly this should not be done.

Naturally, you bypassed all the prohibitions and communicated with them, but already more closely looked at these people. As a result, you still stopped communicating, and you understood that your parents were right. Result: in adulthood, you automatically calculate people you do not need.

Or while your 13-16 year old girlfriends were running around discos and kissing boys, they forced you to do their homework, play the piano, and set a curfew. As a result, the girlfriends entered a vocational school or flew in, and you became a student of a good university, met a respectable guy and made useful contacts. Again, the stringent restrictions were beneficial.

It is known that children who were raised strictly have a good sense of responsibility. You quietly maintain order, pay bills, visit your doctor on time, and do a thousand other small things that make other people nervous. And you are not. You're just used to it.

Take control of your child's life. But do not just limit his freedom or prohibit something, but explain why this is so. Of course, he will resist, especially in adolescence, but in later life your correct explanations will turn into his intuition and correct prioritization. Permissiveness destroys not only someone's fate, it destroys entire nations. Hedgehog mittens haven't hurt anyone yet.