Why do people need children - the main reasons. Why do you need children in the family? Why do children need parents

17.05.2019

With the advent of modern methods of contraception, prevent the appearance of children has become easier than simple. There are more and more people who are completely abandoned by the child function. Such people call the Childfrey, because they are free from all the problems associated with the birth and raising children.

Why, despite the fact that the number of human population on the planet Earth has already reached seven billion, people still seek to have children? Why do you need children for a modern, successful, emancipated average person?

Why do you need children if they bring a large number of problems

1. By itself, the fact of conception is already becoming a problem.. In recent years, more and more people faced the fact that it is difficult for them to conceive a new life. Causes can be different: bad ecology, stressful lifestyle, poor-quality food, lack of health. Many people spend big money to carry out the ECO procedure and introduce embryos into the mother's body.

2. After the conception has happened, a woman needs to still endure and give birth to a child.. Both, both may be accompanied by various difficulties, if the mother's body does not perceive pregnancy or weakened. Birth is a very stressful situation, both for the mother and for the child.

3. After the birth of a child, even if the birth was perfect, and the mother with the child has no health problems, both need maximum care. Unfortunately, it is often in the modern world. Young mothers are forced to stay one on one with all the problems associated with the baby. After all, the father of the child makes a living, and grandparents can not always help. This creates such a problem as postpartum depression.

4. Lack of proper preparing for the birth of a childInformation about how to care for the kid and build changed family relationships gives rise to a large set of problems between young parents. The largest amount of divorces are for the period of the first year of the child's life.

5. With increasing family, its needs increase. The maintenance of children is a large amount of money. In addition, it is always necessary to conceive a housing issue. All this generates additional stress for parents.

6. After you have children, you start constantly worry about their health and safety. You can never live carefree carelessly, without thinking about where they are now and how they feel.

7. You will have much less free time, especially in the first years of the life of the baby. After all, he will need your love and care 24 hours a day.

So, despite such an abundance of problems, why do people still give children? We will analyze for the beginning of common motives that are guided by people, and then - motifs that are peculiar to men and women.

To answer this question, you need, first of all, understand the problems that arise in people with the advent of children. After all, it is them, you will have to overcome parents, if they still decide to make a child.

Why do you need children to modern man

1. Children appear on the light spontaneously. In fact, most people do not think about the question at all, why do they need children. Modern sexual relationships makes people careless, and even marriages often concluded "in the fall."

2. People seek to create their own family - A small cell in a society that would allow them to feel more confident in this stormy stream of life.

3. People are afraid to stay alone in old age. The notorious "glass of water" does not make peace and makes thinking about the need for children.

4. A small percentage of people thinks about the future of the country and the whole world as a whole. They want to give birth to children with the goal of passing them the best that they themselves have.

5. Among other reasons, people sometimes have children to get monetary compensation or maternity capital. This reason is rarely priority, but, nevertheless, in some families, parents take into account this aspect before starting another child.

Why do you need children to women

1. Most women from certain age begin to experience maternal instinct. This is an inexplicable feeling that overcomes them at the sight of foreign children. Such a feeling is difficult to ignore, so the woman has to be, anyway, to reckon with him.

2. Some women have children with a view to bind a certain man Or even marry him. This is a fairly dubious goal that most often does not justify expectations, but most likely the opposite - destroys relations.

3. Many women are exposed to large pressure of society: Parents, relatives and friends. They are talking about the need to make a child, because the reproductive age of women is very limited. In addition, with the age of women, the risk of pathologies of the fetus increases.

Why do you need kids man

Men, perhaps, much less often think about the need for children than women. But they have their own reasons for this.

1. The desire to continue his genus. For a man, this is quite an important motive. They want their life to be wasted, but continued in their heritage - in their children.

2. Implementation through children's own ambitions. It is no secret that men are mostly very ambitious. They want them to be admired and praised them. Therefore, they perceive children as part of their own achievements.

3. Some of the men have a desire to start children, having met a special woman. They are so falling in love with a concrete girl that they want to give her everything, including children.

There are a lot of reasons for not a lot of children, but the desire to create a new life, see the birth of this miracle, to participate in an amazing process of turning a small embryo in an adult man - overlaps all reasonable arguments and unconscious fears.

Children need a family. It is not even discussed. Children can not do without adults, they will simply die. And, if the child was not lucky enough to grow in the family, he can survive physically, but psychologically it is very difficult. Therefore, children who have grown in orphanages often become not the best, as they say, members of our society. In other words, they, leaving government agencies, often fall into other, similar institutions - prisons, are engaged in prostitution, drugs are accepted, they lead an asocial lifestyle.

They are mistaken by those who believe that these are all genes. Not transmitted by genes to theft or prostitution classes, as well as a tendency to alcoholism or drug addiction. Simply, these children leaving the closed institution, do not know how to live in society, they do not know how to serve their needs, and the needs, or rather their needs they are not aware. After all, they are not taught. In the orphanage, everything is scheduled. Not when you want to eat or wet, or when it hurts, and then, when it should be. Over time, the child understands that his needs should not be a loud crying or another way, and even after a while, the baby ceases to realize them. He just freezes and waits for when the right time comes, on schedule. And pain or hunger ceases to feel. That is why children from the orphanage sometimes really do not feel pain, cold, elevated temperature of their body. And even more so they do not know how to feel the pain and experiences of another person. For them, the suffering of the other does not matter. Therefore, they are cruel sometimes.

That is why the children need a family. It is there, in the family, the child forms attachment to his mother, and then to others close, and this is the basis of future relationships - friendship, love, parenthood. It is in the family that the child receives an understanding that the world can be safe that he is not terrible. What do not have children from orphanages. They left by their parents, the basic sense of security is impaired. Instead, in the heart, in the soul, fear in each molecule will settle. It is he who then drives such a person. In order to cope with fear, protect yourself, the child finds the simplest and taken from the experience of communication with adult methods, namely indifference and cruelty to others. Only in the family, the child can form an attitude towards himself: what am I? If the family is satisfied with the needs of the child in defense, care, attention, communication, the child understands that this world is glad to him. A little man is born a feeling of "I - is! I love! ", Or as they said in Russia," I am! ".

If it did not work out with biological parents, it is very good that there are people who call themselves adoptive parents. Many kids are now receiving, which means that a lot of future adults will become happy and able to live in society, create families, implement themselves and grow their own children. There is a high probability that the child who came from the difficult conditions of the children's institution or the unfavorable parental family compensates together with the receiving parents those omissions that were there. It will take time and he will understand that people can be trusted that there are people who care about him and worry that not all adults are indifferent to his needs. But at first, there will have a lot to work out new parents to earn confidence in yourself and reduce the bar of fear, which already lives in a small little man. And he, unfortunately, settles there immediately after birth, if the mother was not near, or was near, but for various reasons satisfied the needs of the child not always, and sometimes the reaction to the crying baby was beatings, instead of food or warmth. There must be a lot of time before the kid will be tied to new parents. The attachment is formed, it is not born. It can not flare out like love, or appear as sympathy. Affection - the path you need to go through. With my mother, this path passes the baby from birth, and even before birth, he feels his own protected, and there it feeds him without depending on whether or not. And after birth, the child miraculously simply brings to her mother and dad with his external umlice look, a smile, crying, which is unable to make any normal adult, the first "ASU" and "give". Then, growing, hand in hand with the most close people, the baby knows the world, snacks the bumps, learns to communicate with peers, gets new knowledge. And he can do it, because I am sure that there is a place where it will always succeed, will support, they will regret if he hit or hurt him that his mistakes will be taken and will allow safely fixed. The child walks in life with the feeling that parents until a certain moment will be near until it strengthened and can go into his own swimming.

There were no such opportunities for adopted children. And this way, new parents have to go back, sometimes starting at first. Sometimes, children surprise their regress in this regard. They can ask for 7 or 10 years to ask hands, ask for them to shocked and even nipples. And this is not pathology or psychiatry. This is a sign of confidence in parents. This desire to go through the path that is not passed, but which as a program is recorded on our way of development. Without passing one level, it is impossible to get to another. And the child wants to go through it with new parents. This is how to learn to walk. First you need to learn how to sit, crawl, then stand, and then, the first awkward step. If you compare with analogy with a graduate of the orphanage, then he is from birth and ... immediately need to walk. And it is impossible. Therefore, he does not know at all how to build relationships, does not know how to love, create affection. He does not understand why go to work and how to spend money. Everyone was always solved for him, and his opinion was not taken into account.

This way of the formation of attachment, which means the formation of attitudes towards themselves, to others and to the world, children can only go close to understanding, caring and authoritative adults. It's not to master this way. Therefore, it is not a question of whether it is better to a child in a family or in a children's home? This is a matter of life and death. Survival question. The roof above the head and lunch on a schedule is a lot, but absolutely not enough to survive the child. It is because of this, some of the kids die without visible reasons for even breast-age, and then from different non-death diseases. That is why adults without childhood - people seem to be dead inside, consumers who despise morality, norms or scored, frightened, quiet, not happy.

Now the children's homes are closed - the legacy of the Soviet detament. Difficult time for those who have devoted many years to work in such institutions. But the best time for children remaining without parents. Time when everyone has their own family, not a common house. One desire of both sides in the process of creating a new family, of course, little. It is necessary to make aware that the child who has lost the injury of affection, losses, often violence, can not be perfect. And parents are also people, with their views on life, family rules, traditions. You should not expect that everything will quickly become in place that in a couple of months the child will overcome everything that was supposed to go over the years. It is difficult to believe that he will suddenly be well studying, will be obedient, or as it should be, adults. It is very important to understand that it is impossible to demand a quick result from a child or from parents. In addition, the adaptation period in the new system, a new member of the family there is still a catering of all stages of development of relationships with parents, which he has not passed. And this is a baby age when the baby is all the time on his hands, the so-called "skirting", when always next to mom and is practically kept for the hem. Next after him - the age of supervision, when the baby is a preschooler and should always see an adult in the field of view, the first school steps, when mom or dad make homework together. And, special teenage age, age of contradictions and negativism.

On the eve of the "Day of Children's Day", I would suggest to answer the question why you need children. Today, Russia ranks 1st in the number of children abandoned by their parents. In 2012, 20 thousand children flew out of the house and are wanted; 1500 children committed suicide. Russia ranks 1st in the world in terms of suicide among children and adolescents.
Recently, on television, they showed how in Volgograd the mother of seven children is forced to live in a social hotel, because she has no funds for buying an apartment and even for feeding children. Therefore, the elder children mother decided to give a shelter and refuse parental rights.
In 2014, more than 36.5 thousand parents are deprived of parental rights in 2014. 100 thousand children are orphans; Of these, 85% of the orphans with living parents!
Involuntarily think: why do you need children?

From the student years I am studying crimes against children and deviating the behavior of young people. When he studied at the Law Faculty, I worked in the laboratory of student problems in the research institutes of comprehensive social research; Then he headed the laboratory of childhood problems in the Children's Fund named after Lenin; Then he taught in the school lawyology, where he created the laboratory of social and psychological assistance.

I have more than forty scientific works on the problems of children and young people. My scientific leader Doctor of Law, Professor Yakov Ilich Gilinsky invited me on May 27, 2015 at the XXVIII International Baltic Criminological Conference "Crime and Social Control in Postmodern Epoch".
Among the many interesting reports (about which I will tell separately), my attention was attracted by speeches devoted to the problem of protecting children from criminal encroachments.

The head of the Investigative Committee of Russia, Alexander Bastrykin, said that in 2012, more than 2 thousand grave crimes were committed against children in Russia. More than 1,200 cases of sexual violence against children were recorded, while 160 children died, and more than 450 were grave injuries.

In 2014, 1 million 947 thousand children were born in Russia. In the same year, 11,000 crimes were committed against children, and each eighth child became a victim in his own family.

Only a third of Russians believe that physical punishments are harmful to raising children.
It is clear why about 10 thousand children disappear in Russia every year.

Today, Russia ranks 1st in the world in terms of divorce and children born out of marriage. Every second registered marriage disintegrates. At the same time, almost 1.5 million Russians do not pay alimony to their children. The court performers have more nine hundred thousand executive proceedings for the payment of alimony on children. 60 thousand malicious malleants are prosecuted.

Why do children need? So that the glass of water in old age was someone to give?

Some women reason:
"Health and figure will be corrupted irrevocably. Bad teeth, sagging chest, stretching ... You can never dream about traveling abroad and not dream of three years. Also, forever yelling, mutating, the crashing creation of any damn will not give enough sleep as it should. The career can safely shove out of its plans. Well, if the work and employer will wait. And if you are a young mother, then you will not have high posts. For a petty, not thinking creature paralyzes the brain and probably will suffer from time to time from some ridiculous diseases. "

Some women give birth exclusively for health, and feed and raise a child - they do not need it. So surrender to the shelter.
70% of Russians condemn mothers who refused children in the maternity hospital.

Separate pregnant women and young mothers are divorced with her husband to be a single mother and receive social benefits. They even go to a voluntary refusal of parental rights to their children so that children will be recognized as orphans are provided with housing and social benefits.

The deprivation of parental rights is now considered not as a punishment, but how to get rid of responsibility for the child.
Men and women cohabit, and at the birth of children do not give the surname to their child, so that the mother is loner and receive social benefits.

Many people look into the future, and without seeing nothing light, do not want to start children.
Modern women are in no hurry to marry, since the husband is not able to feed one woman. Now men are trying to fragile shoulders for women to stick everything, including themselves.

Irresponsible men cohabit women, but they do not want children, they do not want responsibility. Fatherhood is forced to prove through the court.
Famous case: Padashe left a child in the car, forgot about it, went to the store, and the child died from the heat.

The fact that women do not give birth to wines exclusively men; And the fact that still give birth no matter what the merit is exclusively the women.
Often women marry the sake of birth of a child, and some and for the sake of obtaining alimony after a divorce. A lonely woman thinks not about the fate of a child, she thinks about himself.
Separate women cannot give birth and take children from orphanages for the sake of obtaining social benefits.

Parents cannot get along with children. Sudden because of the alimony, because of the inheritance, because of the apartment and property ... Moreover, children kill their parents, and parents kill children!

The moral decomposition of the Company has reached space-scale! Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin acknowledged that the reason for the fall of spacecraft is "moral decomposition".

How many girls will be pregnant, not knowing what to do with your unexpected chad?! It rarely manage to persuade the child's save: or thrown into the garbage chute, or weave in the toilet, or dismember and hide in the landfill.

When a young mother carry a baby to feed, she feels it, and she can have either an excess of milk - if the child is a favorite and long-awaited, or drawback - if a child is for her burden. And no mixtures will replace breast milk, no medications will be able to cure a child who is sick primarily because he lacks maternal love. That is why they find babies in garbage tanks and garbage supplies. So the mother is trying to get rid of their unwanted children, although these are rare cases. Most or make an abortion, or in continuation of the whole life is tormented by a child.

Recently, the deputies were offered to make an abortion paid, and "civil marriage" to equate for marriage official.
However, it is hardly possible to resolve this problem purely legal methods, without moral support. Rather measures to raise responsibility. After all, the family does not hold on the law, but for love.
No need to take new laws; You need to revise already available.

Who can now contain three and more children?

Maternal capital pay at the birth of the second child. And if the third, fourth, fifth is born?

Why do children under 5 years pass almost everywhere for free, and after five pay as adults?

If the state needs citizens, then you need to provide all the born children.
And if the state does not meet its citizens, then what remains?
To survive, people are trying to deceive the state.

There are cases when people conclude a "fictitious marriage" and even bred fictitious for the sake of obtaining social benefits.
Often, the trials on the termination of marriage and determining with whom will live a child in practice are divided into joint property.

According to the experience of his advocacy, I can say that in most cases the broken-water processes are an arose struggle of two pride. And the child is only an instrument of struggle.
One of my friend divorced seven years, trying to sue the child to himself. The District Court made a decision not in favor of the Father three times, and three times we sought the abolition of this decision in the court of the highest instance. In the end, it came to the point that the mother stated in court that the defendant was not a father of the child. And when we demanded a genetic examination to establish fatherhood authenticity, she immediately agreed to "give way" to her daughter.

Somehow reported that one "terrorist" penetrated the kindergarten and captured hostage minors. After negotiation, most children were released. Many were unclear why "terrorist" did it. Later it turned out that his wife was working in this kindergarten and his children are.

"I live for my family and children, and in this I see the meaning of its existence. Personally feeds me and serves as a catalyst for vital energy, which I need someone. If you do not need anyone, then I can easily leave this world, "the unfortunate father told me.
In her daughter, he saw the opportunity to create an ideal woman - his long-fabulous dream. Love for daughter helped believe that he needs someone that his life was not in vain.
Children are always hope, hope for the best future, faith that they will have something that did not work with you.

The fact that there are children, grandchildren, and everything will not disappear after your death, - in all this there is a great meaning, some great leaving. To some extent, children are "immortality" and "Eternal Return" ...

I myself survived something similar that I described in the name-called "Wanderer" (Mystery). However, I did not break the child into parts, remembering the wise decision of the king of Solomon.
When two women came to the king Solomon, and each called himself a mother's mother, the king accepted a wise decision, granting women to drag the child to himself, and then the real mother gave way to not hurt his chad. I did the same. I did not tear the child into parts, but only achieved a legal decision in my favor, giving the daughter the right to live where she wishes.

If the child was definitely "attributed" to the Father, as in Arab countries, I suppose there would be less divorces, and men are more responsible.
I have a neighbor with my husband dreamed and leads lovers, and all this in the eyes of the child. And the husband at this time is forced to sleep next to the floor in his own apartment.

Somehow conducted a study, and it turned out that eleven percent of fathers naively believe that they brought up their own children, while the child is actually from another man.

Today's Family Code of the Russian Federation clearly has distortion in favor of the rights of a woman, mother. Therefore, men do not want to marry, because they understand: in case of divorce, the law on the side of the woman.

The state protects not the interests of a woman, but above all their interests. The fact is that a woman produces new citizens.

Why do you need a baby boy with a modern woman?

Previously, children were started for the sake of obtaining an apartment. Today, some women give birth to the sake of obtaining "maternal capital" or a free land plot.

Before you have a child, you need to think that we can give him, what kind of upbringing. In Soviet times, to raise a child up to 18 years old as much as the Volga car. Now, I guess "Benkley", not less.
Many give a child in kindergarten just because the family does not have enough money and the mother is forced to work.

Some believe that children are the meaning of life. Others believe that children are an "accident."

If a person has no children (well, it does not work) - Did his life meaningless?
Even a whole social movement appeared - "Life without children." "Children are flowers of life, but let them grow in someone else's garden."

"If you want to live life without problems, never give birth to children."
"Children are a trap that men arrange to women."
"For me, children are need. As a physical hunger, as a desire of love; As the need for self-realization. "
"Being a mother is the same job as everyone else, just without holidays, without premiums and without hospital."
"When unbearably happened to live with her husband, I began to think about suicide. But my child saved me. After all, I had to live for him. "

Some women think that they will love, will be able to answer reciprocity, get married to have a home and family. It is reasoned like this: "If everyone sat and waited for their perfect love, no matter how many women would be lonely?"

How without children? So life will stop.
- Will not stop. And if stopped, so let. Why she, life, if he suffer without end. No, the children are balobiness one.
- So because you gave birth to you.
- And it was better not to give birth. It is better not to live at all than so to suffer.
- But you see, children are a holiday.
Near the seat sat down by a woman, putting a boy to her knees of the year eight.
- You are my toy, you are my paw, you are my joy, my fun.
"Mom, stop," said the boy, embarrassed.
"I bore you, and now I can do whatever." You are my toy. I do what I want".
(from my Roman-than "Wanderer" (Mystery) on the site New Russian literature)

Such women think about themselves, about their fate, and not about the fate of the child, which is most often unhappy.
Some parents see the child the opportunity to realize what failed himself. This hides its own failed life.

"I want a child to secure a calm old age," they say alone.
"More children are more diseases, quarrels, failures, divorces," they say others.

"I would like the child, but only from your loved one. And if from the unloved to give birth, then the children will grow without love, and become strangers, and as there was one, so alone and stay. "

"Everyone is afraid of loneliness, but it is inevitable," everything else has to die. "

Why do you need children? To be assistants and support in old age?
And if the children grow up gangsters?

"Our son grew up" enemy ", consumer, thief and drug addict," wrote one person. - And my wife and I for him - the "pasture" of the rams, from which you can and need to pull money all the time. And our whole life has passed in the struggle for his health and well-being. In the "delivering" of drugs and "cheavering" doctors. And they did not sleep, did not donate. Bought him the best thing that could afford ... "

Happy parents do not have a question, why do children need.
Well, if a child is a disabled person?

In ancient Greece, as is well known, the flawed newborn children got rid of. Now they save no matter what.

Somehow I talked with a woman who has a sick child.
"I do not work and constantly I am with my daughter. I was offered to give it to a special center, but I refused, because it's like placing a child in a pitch hell. At home is still better. From those surrounding few people understand my position. Even sometimes they do not miss without a queue. When it became clear that the disease of my child is chronic, then immediately offered to pass. But since I refused, the doctors had a minimum of their participation, saying: "I would have passed, and there were no problems, and since I didn't want, then drag themselves." And everything, of course, fell on my shoulders. ... from a neighbor in the apartment often you have to hear: "I will hit your freak; And why do she need it, what do you interfere with her here? "

Listen, as they say with the children of mother in stores, on the streets, in hospitals. Think that they hate their children.
Somehow there were two women in the queue ahead, with a carriage, in which a little girl sitting about two years. The girl, apparently, recently began to speak, and all the time mechanically repeated: "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom ...".
"If you do not stop, I'm now a language of you," I said, apparently, "Mom". Another ("Grandma") added: "Now I will call a call, he will take off ..."

"Birth to entertain yourself a daughter, and now suffer. As far as I loved her before, I wish so much now. ... I, in general, I hate children, although all my life worked with them. "

Three greatest deliberations make people unhappy:
The first - as if you can get reciprocity with your love,
Second - "Marriage is the best way to keep love",
Third - "Kids Pledge Street Family."

"Children grow up, and they have their own life. Let them give them ten to fifteen years of life, and then they will leave. Won my girlfriend has two children, so it came to what: the son's native mother does not allow to sleep in his home. "

The market economy has turned children to the goods. And while they will remain an attractive product, do not solve the problem. After all, the profit from trade in a living product exceeds the profit from drug trafficking!

On the illegal market, human trafficking is one of the most profitable types of criminal business, since people can be resold more than once, especially for sexual services.
Every year in the world is forced to work in the sex industry up to 2 million women and children!

Already formed the global market of sexual slavery. Children sell directly from maternity hospitals to those families who are ready to pay big money for someone else's child; At the same time, parents say that their child died.

Children use for the production of child pornography and to provide sex services. At the same time, not only members of criminal groups earn, but also the parents themselves who sell their children into slavery or for sexual use of pedophiles.
Pedophiles pay parents for using their juvenile children for sexual entertainment and even perversions. Moreover, children do not know that they can become victims of sexual violence or slave trade. 150 children's destinies ends tragically annually.

When I worked at school, I taught my parents and children, how not to become a victim of a crime.
I saw myself and teachers with the eyes of students, and realized that adults are the bold children. The children have not yet learned to hide their senses, did not seem to love, and they are not afraid to love, it distinguishes them from adults. Nothing can define a person truly than a children's heart.
The experience of love for children led me to a striking conclusion: the more love give, the more it becomes. The main difference between love from her mirages is that she returns to you with an excess!
Children, unlike adults, give joy for free, love fearlessly, not requiring anything in return. Or maybe this is an incomprehensible feeling and there is a guide to the kingdom, which is available only to children?

Children are the second breath of life! And the new countdown of the time in which you can plunge, forgetting about your years. The child gives the opportunity to return to childhood.
Children are a special timer of our life, this is the desire of immortality, even if the immortality of self-deception
Children - an expression of the desire of the life of the eternal, the need to leave himself in eternity to ever return to himself.
The child is needed as part of life as an integral part of the realization of itself. "
(from my Roman-Bul "Wanderer" (Mysteria) on the site New Russian literature

Parents must understand the simple truth - love to create a need!

What do you think you: why do you need children?

The first question, which is important to clarify the spouses before the conception - the issue of motivation: why do we want a child? Why do we need children? As a rule, the motives are always somewhat, and her husband and wife can vary. Part of the motifs are realized, but many remain hidden in the unconscious, and only a specialist can detect them using special techniques, including questionnaires. Answers built on a generalization or categorical statement: "This is natural - all normal people want" or "This is our duty, so it should be, without children, a full-fledged family is impossible," from a psychological point of view, it is rather about the infantality of future parents than their readiness By the birth of the firstborn. Why? There are many reasons, list some of them.

Firstly, the desire to have a child is not a sign of "normality"And far from all "normal people" want to become parents, as well as not everyone seeks to marry. There are different paths and destinations in life (for example, monasticism), various opportunities and features, there are situations in which parenting is even desirable, but is impracticable. Therefore, "everything" and "normally" as an explanation is not suitable here.

Secondly, "So it should be" - in this case, the freedom of choice questioned spouses, and together with freedom and responsibility. "We ordered, we did" - here it is a infantal position, because to fully realize your parenthood, it is important to be personal mature: "I am ready, I can, I want, I choose, I answer."

And finally, thirdly, family usefulness is not determined by the presence of children. So, Saints Peter and Fevronia, which are revered in Russia as the patrons of family and marriage, according to legend, were childless. After the birth of Jesus Christ, the Old Testament attitude towards childlessness as God's curse and punishment changed. Waiting for people of the parish to the world of the Messiah replaced by the desire to translate his commandments in his life.

Of course, this is fine when in the family there are children born in love, and in the Bible says: "And God blessed them, and God told them: Move and breed, and fill the earth, and possess it" (Gen. 1: 28) . It is just important not to forget the other: in the prayers of the wedding prayers, the Orthodox Church expresses faith in the fact that Chadorody is the desired fruit of the legitimate marriage, but at the same time not the only goal. Along with the "Fruit of Wheat, the gifts of irritation of mutual love, chastity," Odyl District Souls and Teles "are requested for the benefit of spouses. Cyt. By: Basics of the Social Concept of the ROC).

The birth of a child is not the meaning and not the purpose of marriage, but also not the "means of salvation of the soul", according to those who prefer to navigate in their lives on the quotes from the contexts from the messages and statements of the Holy Fathers.

And there is also a myth about the so-called motherhood instinct. To debunk myths - the point is ungrateful, but noble, so I will risk it to be at the "holy". Let's start with the definition: the main sign of instinctive behavior in animals - it is congenital, carried out automatically, reproduced unconsciously, that is, without any participation of thought and will. But man is not an animal. Suppose the presence of instincts in man, we will questioning his freedom. Based on the foregoing, the first argument "Against": in a person, from the point of view of Christian anthropology, there is no instincts and can not be, since it would be contrary to the idea of \u200b\u200bthe person created by God in the image and likeness to her and possessing freedom, will and creative gift .

Of course, we can say that this argument is good only for believers. But there is another, understandable to everyone: if you consider the desire to have children instinctive, how then to explain the situation with abortions? If the parenthood is instinctively, there would be no abortion at all, and this, to the deepest regret, not so. Instinct is what everyone's "features of this species" should be, but then why today our country occupies one of the first places in the amount of abortion as a percentage of the total number of born children? Abortions are made as women who do not have children and already born and even large families. One of the explanations of such a depressing picture: the generally accepted attitude towards children as a "subject of desire" ("I want to have a child") implies the opposite pole - "I do not want to have a child." As if the life of the personality can be discussed in the categories "Have - not to have".

We will not stop in detail on the description destructive motives for children, only list some of them:

Strengthen the relationship in the family (tie to yourself, return her husband, prevent his care);

Force partner to marry;

Improve housing conditions;

Forcing parents to accept marriage;

Give birth to "for health" ("abortion is harmful, and pregnancy rejuvenates");

"To give birth to everyone", revenge;

Get material benefit;

Change social status and much more.

Such motives destructively affect the marital relationship, and on the identity of each of the spouses, and the life and development of the child - we hope that it is clear without explanation.

So, all the motivations of the birth of children, from our point of view, can be divided into two types: "Child-object" ( means) and the "child-subject" ( unconditional value).

"Child-Object", born, must provide its parents to satisfy their psychological needs:

In unconditional, selfless love and loyalty ("Taking a child in arms, I felt for the first time in my life that someone loves me just so much to do me, and it's forever!"; "At least someone me Will love ";" I will always be the best and beloved woman for my son! ");

In the sense of own value ("I am a mother, and the mother is a holy!") And a fullness ("I have, like any normal person, there are children");

In the sense of his own life ("before the birth of a child, I did not understand why I live"; "If something happens to the child, I no need to live"; "My children are the main and only meaning of my life");

In self-affirmation ("My child is what I want, I do it with him"; "I am king and God for my children");

In self-realization ("Children should achieve everything, what I dreamed of"; "My continuation, my pride!"; "My child must have everything that I did not have");

In the feeling of adults and smart ("Children are not toys you!"; "Do not learn me to live, I am now a parent itself!"; "Myself first, and then you will give me advice to educate!");

In their own need ("Children will always need parents"; "Wherever he is going to" without us ";" I now have at least one close person I can take care of ");

In safety and security ("I will never stay alone"; "There will be someone in the old age glass of water to bring").

It turns out that future parents have some deficit, some unsatisfied desires, ambitions, the fears that they hope to cope with the help of a child and baby, not yet born, already something should. Inadequate expectations assigned to the child cannot be met by definition - they are initially built on false ideas. Although "People's Wisdom" would argue with us here, because the phrases that we led as examples were taken from life and they sound natural for many, their correctness is no doubt. But in this case, this voice is not wisdom, but "folk" nonsense, since all the above statements are an example of egoism, egocentrism, personal immaturity, and not an adult parental position (sorry if someone in these examples recognized himself).

When a child does not act as an object, but perceived by his parents as a subject, as a person, relationships with it are built on completely different reasons. The emphasis is not on expectations from the child that he will give to parents (or save something), but, on the contrary, the center of attention is the ability of parents to meet the needs of the kid. In the "fairy tale about the norm" it is assumed that by the time of the readiness of the spouses, their parents already have an emotional and personal "subsistence minimum": a sense of the unconditional value of self and life; conscious meaning of his life; adequate self-esteem; honest knowledge of their strengths and weaknesses, their capabilities and restrictions (so they do not need unlimited power over a child for self-affirmation); a variety of ways of self-realization, making yourself, other people and life in full understanding; courage before unpredictability and uncertainty of the future.

That is, it is two adults.

After reading this list, someone is surprised: if I have it all, I live a full and interesting life, why should I then a child? And this is the most important thing: not a child is needed by parents, and parents need a child, not the baby must justify the expectations of adults, and adults must have an adequate resource (and physical, psychological) to meet all the basic needs and desires of the child.

When the parents have an excess of strength and mutual love, joy and they are ready to share this generously, sincerely give their wealth, then their child has a chance to feel like a subject, valuable person, worthy of unconditional love and care.

But in the minds of many modern people, child-parent relations are turned over, alas, with legs on the head. As perfectly it would be if the children were born from an excess of parental love and strength, and not to replenish their inferiority and healing complexes.

The conversation with the purpose of clarifying the child's birth motivation may not be pleasant. Perhaps one of the spouses or both suddenly discovered that psychologically not completely ready for the appearance of a baby. "So now - do not give birth, but to wait for the onset of personal maturity? And if it does not come to old age, then so without children and stay? " - This is a typical question at lectures, seminars and consultations. Wait for or not to wait for how much to wait and what - the decision is taken only by the spouses themselves, since this decision lies in the zone of their personal responsibility, and no one has the right to resolve them nor forbidden. It is only important that, taking one of the most important and fateful solutions in your life - a decision on the future child, the spouses realized their features and restrictions, they understood what their own psychological needs were not yet satisfied, and learned to find various ways to satisfy them, without Attracting children to this "honorary mission".

Happy, full-fledged parenthood is possible at imperfect parents (we have been perfect, honestly, have never seen). The main thing is that they do not count on a child as a deliverant from intrapersonal problems and interpersonal conflicts. At the same time, children certainly affect the parent self-esteem to some extent, and on the feeling of value and meaningfulness of life, and on self-realization, etc., etc., but not this is their main task. Each child comes to this world to become in its entirety the potential embedded in him by God. And adults are simply obliged to take care of creating the best (based on their capabilities) for the development of the personality, which the Lord for a time heded their care.

Psychological readiness for parent may include the following:

Recognition of the greatest value of the birth of a new person into the world (instead of the deprecizing personality attitude towards the child as an object);

Awareness of its adequate responsibility for the life, health and development of the child (instead of inadequate hyper-or hyponsity - "all" or "nothing");

The ability of parents to manifest unconditional love and loyalty (instead of waiting to get it from a child);

The feeling and recognition of the unconditional value of the life and personality of the child (instead of desire to assert themselves at his expense);

Respect for the personality and its own meaning of the life of the child (instead of making it the meaning of his life or impose his meanings to him);

The ability to support the child in its self-realization (instead of self-realization at his expense);

Recognition of the right of a child on identity, individuality (instead of ignoring or denial of the characteristics of the child and draw it into affiliates);

Readiness to create safe and protected conditions for the development of a child, take care of his needs and meet both physical and psychological needs (instead of making a parent for themselves - to expect care, attention, understanding, etc., as from adult).

Not easy requirements, but agree, and the task is archent and responsible.

From the new book by Archpriest Andrei Lorgus and the psychologist Olga Krasnikova "Life after the wedding", published in the publishing house "Nikeya".

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Gorgeous life has a young woman! Do what you want, live, how do you want ... shops, outfits, fans, parties, travel ... freedom ... Is it possible to exchange such pleasant freedom to exchange something? But some of it voluntarily refuse, choosing maternity. But why do you need children? What could give motherhood young married woman?

Today, girls are not treated married. And even after the official marriage, they think about the birth of children for a long time. Why? From what?

Why are women afraid motherhood? The answer is obvious. First, they are afraid of change, which entails the birth of a child. Secondly, fear of financial problems associated with the advent of the baby. After all, only dad will work, and the baby constantly needs new clothes, diapers, toys and leaving objects ... Thirdly, they are afraid to ruin their brilliant career ... But, probably, the most important fear living in the subconscious of a woman - Fear that life will lose its brightness. That a woman will have to bury themselves under the pile of wet diapers, get along in its stuffy apartment and appreciate each free minute by weight of gold.

Of course, in each stereotype there is some truth. Yes, after the birth of a child, life will change cool. Yes, free money in the family will become much smaller. Yes, a career may later have to start first. Yes, free time will be a real rarity, and all the attention will be occupied by the younger kid ...

So what? In practice, everything is not so scary, as it seems!

You can list the joys that maternity maternity gives, reason why you need a young family, about the fact that the present meaning will appear in life ... But I will dwell only on one element. The child helps a woman grow up, develop and become a person.

A child is a great training personality training. With the advent of the baby, all childless girlfriends begin to seem teenage girls, regardless of their age. Because you grow, change, learn patience, love and care daily ... more precisely, it is the child makes you constantly improve and work on your qualities.

The child teaches love. Unconditional love. And here it includes not only love for her husband and to the small baby. But also your love for yourself. After all, without love, you will quickly burn. You risk becoming a zombie due to chronic fatigue and sleepless nights. Only starting to love yourself, you learn to really enjoy life. Only with the advent of the baby, I understood how important it is to take care of myself, listen to myself and give your psyche timely rest. On how to learn to rest, you can read in the article ""

The child increases your awareness. You are less worried about the trifles, because of financial complications ... After all, now you are focused on the most important thing - on health and the development of the baby!

The child teaches to live here and now. After all, you will no longer live from the weekend to the day off ... from vacation to vacation ... or from night to night. After all, the weekend in mom does not happen (at least the first year of life), and the night does not promise long-awaited rest at all ... At first, many moms are trying to live by the future, waiting for the baby to become three months, six months, a year ... but in a certain The moment is understood that it is useless to wait for it. Colics will go - teeth will begin. It will stop sitting on his hands, but will learn to crawl ... at each age its difficulties and its problems. It is useless to count on some improvement. It is better to just learn to enjoy the present moment. After all, at every age - their joys ... Why not start them to appreciate right now?

Perhaps reading this article, someone will think: well, why do you need children? Do I really suffer so much in the name of personal development? However, sooner or later you still decide to give birth to children. And you still need to go through it all, and everyone will learn. So it's not easier to go through all the lessons now, in youth? It is said that after 30 or 35 it passes much more difficult ...

Waiting for your opinion in the comments. Why do you need children and is it worth becoming a mother aged 20-25 years?