Should a man be given a second chance. Is it worth giving the person a second chance. This is real love

Each couple has their own reasons for breaking up. But about everyone, without exception, we can say: people simply did not get what they wanted from each other. For example, warmth, care, attention, support. Desperate to find mutual understanding, and therefore parted.

The emergence of thoughts like “but maybe we should again? ..” testify to the fact that emotional attachment to a loved one once still remained. And if your feelings are mutual, it's really worth trying to start over.

Parting is a little death

There are two levels of relationship - formal and informal. The first is a joint life, everyday life, worries. The second is emotions, feelings. And it is not always possible to complete the connection completely. “Formally, you can disperse, disperse,” explains the narrative consultant psychologist Danila Gulyaev... - But at the informal level, the connection continues. There are many thoughts, feelings, you are still counting on each other. Ending a family relationship doesn't always mean ending it completely. You can stop being a couple of spouses or lovers, but become friends or business partners. "

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Loss of attachment is reflected not only in the psychological, emotional aspect, but also in the biological one: you get used to another creature, his body, take care of him, count on his help. Parting does not mean forgetting and living in a new way. This is a long-term process, somewhat reminiscent of a disease that needs to be healed.

It is important to get through the period after the breakup, even if you choose to return to your old partner. After all, he will no longer be exactly the same as in the past, and you will not be the same either.

“Relations should be given a second chance only if both understand: the union in which they will unite is another story,” sums up the family psychologist. Olga Troitskaya... “And this story will include two other people who have experienced resentment and pain, met again and felt that they were drawn to each other.”

Let them talk

It is impossible to end the connection on an informal level when you or your partner have no idea what exactly you wanted to get out of the relationship. It is this feeling of incompleteness that makes one doubt whether to return or not? If you do decide to try again, it is worth taking a close look at the reason for the breakup. And then think about how to avoid past mistakes in a new relationship.

“We parted because I didn’t have enough attention from my husband,” shares his experience Veronica(29). - It seemed that he never thought about giving flowers for no reason, making a pleasant surprise, or taking them to a restaurant. I got tired of waiting for someone to pay attention to me and left. "

Naturally, in the candy-bouquet period, a man is ready for a lot. But after some time, the relationship becomes mundane, while the expectation that the partner will guess about your feelings and desires remains. A deaf resentment appears: if he loved, he would certainly have guessed what I want. “Women often confuse their husbands with fathers and mothers,” says Olga Troitskaya. - They think the partner will understand their needs without words. But only my mother could do this when you were less than a year old. " And even then - she had to be able to do this, because you could not speak yet. And now you are an adult and are able to say directly what you are missing. Moreover, a second chance for a relationship should be given precisely when you can take responsibility for your own happiness. “As soon as you designate your desires, you switch from a negative assessment of your loved one’s actions to how you can contribute to the development of relationships yourself,” says the gestalt therapist. Aida Melikova.

However, you should not ignore the needs of your loved one. “When a person goes to someone else - it doesn't matter if it's a mistress or friends in the sports bar - it means that he is trying to keep your relationship, - explains Olga Troitskaya. “He is looking in outer space for what he did not receive from you.” If you want to return him, the first question you need to ask yourself is: what could I not give him myself?

Realizing that in the future you will be able to speak frankly to each other about your desires and hear them, it is worth giving the relationship a second chance.

Safe method

However, sometimes the willingness to speak openly about your desires in itself does not guarantee success. It seems that you turned into a parrot while trying to explain to your beloved what you want, but he still does not understand. “I’m tired of sorting things out on the same occasion,” complains Kristina(27). - Every time, as soon as it was necessary to make some important decision on family issues, my husband simply ignored my opinion. We argued, he either stood his ground or agreed, but did it in his own way. We parted when I lost hope of being heard. "

Some women, desperate to reach out to their partner, may go to extreme measures and blackmail them with parting. “Most likely, the point here is that the woman simply did not find other ways of dialogue with her husband,” suggests Danila Gulyaev. "However, it is important to understand: you are not at a dead end in your relationship, but in solving a specific problem."

In this case, there was probably a power struggle in the family. And parting turned out to be the best way to show who is in charge here. This is a very risky method, destructive, leading to strong negative experiences and capable of putting a fat point in a relationship without a second chance. First of all, because the manipulator cannot be perceived as a sincere person. You can avoid this mistake - just try to find a new way of communication. According to Danila Gulyaev, the best and safest way to do this is in the office of a family psychologist. “A second chance can and should be given to relationships in order to try to live in them, changing their established habits, stereotypes of behavior,” believes Aida Melikova. "Return to your former partner and try to figure out exactly how, in what form, you convey your opinions and desires to him." And if the usual method doesn't work, try another one.

We already talked about the second chance in a relationship in one of the. It also describes how to mend a broken relationship: what to do and what to stick to. Now let's try to figure out in which cases a second chance can be successful, and in which it is just a waste of time.

Of course, how many people, so many opinions, so many destinies and situations, so each has its own story, and it ends in its own way. However, there is still both life experience and the experience of psychological counseling, which shows that there are quite a few typical examples of positive and negative outcomes of the "second chance" - so let's try to look at them.

When does a second chance pay off?

In a large percentage of cases, renewing a broken relationship leads to a highly productive and happy life. Why is this happening?

At first, after a breakup, which is a big shake-up, a person can realize his mistakes and the mistakes of his partner. He will want to change in order to change his life for the better.

Secondly Knowing about these mistakes and sorting everything out a fair number of times, the couple will be able to learn to continue to easily and quickly assess their conflicts from the outside, look, as it were, “from above” at all their problems and solve them more clearly and with less losses.

Thirdly Having lost something important in their life, having gone through separation from this and finding it again, people begin to appreciate and cherish it even more - a person, a relationship, a family, an atmosphere. And as a result, a more accurate, reverent attitude towards your partner, when the head first works, and not emotions or pride, allows the newly found union to grow stronger and develop.

With the right approach to building new relationships, couples in the following types of situations have a good chance of rebuilding everything:

- if your partner or you have made a serious mistake once - once it is quite possible to try to understand, forgive and forget everything;

- if your partner or you realized the "wrong" of your behavior for a long period of time, you can always try to rebuild on new tracks, start controlling yourself and your actions in the name of joint happiness and love for your soul mate.

- if you have too much in common in life - family, children, long-term relationships, special relationships with relatives - then the mutual responsibility for the "second chance" will be much higher and more conscious than in the situation "we just met."

When will a second chance fail?

Remember that any relationship, any person can be given a second chance - no one bothers you to try, do something in a new way, change something or give your partner time and opportunity to gradually change. But do not forget that if the second chance in 50% of cases ends successfully, then the third, fifth, tenth chances are a waste of time and nerve cells. Such repeated repeated attempts, as a rule, do not end well. If a person or couple could not fix something on the second try, could not fix it, etc., this means that, most likely, they:

- or so they did not fully understand each other, did not understand with all the depth of those moments in which they could not converge, failed to find the very "root of evil" in their relationship;

- or one of the partners does not want to give in and bends his line, not being able to listen and hear the other;

- or a person does not realize all his responsibility for this "second chance", does not attach global significance to the new life.

Therefore, first of all, with a "second chance", whether you are going to take this step or have already taken, you need to clearly analyze the above points, and only then draw conclusions - whether your second attempt will be successful or not. By itself, everything will not work out, you just need to trace that line, see the point in the relationship, where the main obstacles and problems begin.

It is generally very difficult for a person to change, to rebuild himself, and it is practically impossible to change a person from the outside, therefore, if you see that sooner or later the "second chance" does not justify itself - think carefully, maybe it is worth ending such a relationship, not to suffer and go towards something new.

So, for example, a constantly changing man can swear for the hundred and first time and assure that he will correct himself, but in reality this will definitely not happen. A person with harmful addictions - drugs or gambling - is also ready to change and quit with everything at any moment, but in reality it turns out that only a severe breaking of life will be able to do this, and not he himself in his next chance.

Therefore, you should not step on the same rake if:

you have been cheated on repeatedly
you were strongly and not for the first time betrayed,
they have repeatedly raised a hand against you,
your partner crossed all adequate frames,
they never learned to look after you like a woman, treat you like a real woman (respectively, the same for men),
as well as in other similar situations.

And, of course, when you are asked to give a chance for the next - far from the first - time, you can almost 100% predict that it will not end well. If you have not been able to mend relationships in the previous two, three, four times, then the fifth or tenth attempt is unlikely to be fruitful.

In our life, there are often such moments when relations undergo a lot of different twists and turns: people quarrel, cannot find compromises, disagree, and without each other it is also impossible to live. There are also serious reasons that lead a couple to a breakup: lies, betrayal, complete misunderstanding, unwillingness to concede in important life moments, etc. But, one way or another, any relationship is quite difficult to break off at once, especially long ones, especially when you are still in love. So quite often, even after very difficult disagreements and actions, people want to give the relationship a second chance. And this, of course, is correct, since sometimes people just need to correct mistakes and start living according to new parameters, and not look for a new partner, stepping on the same rake over and over again. This is important for seed couples where there are children, because they suffer no less from the separation of the spouses. "The second chance" is very necessary for those where one is to blame, and the second still loves, since the first will be corrected, and the second will not be left alone with the devotee.

So if you have the slightest desire to give the relationship another chance, do not hesitate, try it, act. As they say, it is better to do and regret than do nothing and regret it.

What do we have to do?

1) The very first and most important thing is to form an adequate attitude to such a moment. Here you need to take into account several circumstances, all of them may or may not be, but you need to remember them very clearly.

* Nobody promised you a fairy tale and that everything will work out by itself, and now everything will be fine for sure. You should always be prepared for the fact that, despite all mutual investments, the "second chance" may not work just by itself. Well, it doesn't add up, that's all. Know that re-starting a relationship is not a 100% guarantee of your happiness, put it aside in your mind so that in case of failure you will not be killed or rushed to extremes.
* On the way of restoring a relationship, both you and your partner may make mistakes, may misunderstand something, something may not work out. In addition, it is very, very difficult to rebuild in a new way, having eradicated all your long-term habits, manners, methods of reaction, behavior. Show patience, give the right to mistakes both yourself and your other half. Do not tear everything to smithereens after the first indent from the intended plan.
* If two people decide to do something, it means that they have agreed to act together and according to the same rules, but nothing more. You will never get into the head of your partner, so be prepared for the fact that it may happen in such a way that one day he will not want to change and will not want to invest more in building new relationships. So, no matter how you want to set everything up, remember, everything depends not only on you, your desire and your work, there is also the inner world of another person, with your thoughts, desires and decisions.
The general result of all this: the relationship between two people is a very difficult thing, and the path for their new establishment is doubly difficult and thorny, so be prepared for failures and learn to experience them competently.

2) The next step before starting to work on a new relationship is to forget all the bad things that happened between you and never return to it. It is very important to try to get rid of everything negative, both mentally and practically. This means that you do not need to keep grievances in your head, dwell on them in your mind, and even more so, you cannot recall their partner, pry or reproach him for making mistakes. Don't take the past seriously in your new relationship, leave it behind, don't go back to it. Try to let go of all your worries, nerves, stresses - after all, you have already experienced the worst and you know how it happens, which means that you have nothing to fear the worst, especially when you have a chance in your hands.

3) Now the most important thing - the basis of the "second chance" - is the work on the relationship. Every day you need to think about your every action, analyze the actions and actions of your partner. In order for something to become better, it is necessary to invest seriously and a lot. “Work, work and work again” is the guarantee of new joint happiness. First of all, you need to work on mistakes: not to allow them more, catch on the fly and immediately correct them. You need to work on yourself: on your patience, on willpower, on the ability to listen and hear, on the ability to understand another person. You need to work on your actions: control yourself and not break down, keep your sleeves up and do the right thing, strictly assess your behavior, not give yourself unnecessary "weaknesses". We need to work on the atmosphere: give your partner maximum attention, bring romance, often do something pleasant for him, help and support in everything.

4) Create a new romance. By all available means, you need to try to create something new and exciting: from hairstyles and outfits to travel and repairs. You will see a double effect in this: on the one hand, any romantic atmosphere is only to help a relationship, and on the other hand, new affairs, new worries and new impressions will help to oust old experiences from consciousness. Respond to positive steps and suggestions from your partner.

5) From now on, we immediately pronounce and discuss all sharp corners. Talk to each other, go towards each other, strive to understand, not criticize ahead of time. Everything, everything, everything, even the smallest "discrepancy" needs to be discussed. And this should be done in a kind, constructive way, not “I think you should do this”, but “let's try together to agree on how we should be in this situation”.

It is believed that reconnecting with your “ex” means dooming yourself to another painful parting. Yes, he is still the charm you once fell in love with. But the relationship problems that separated you, most likely, have not gone anywhere either. So is it worth trying to build a relationship a second time? We have collected stories about how it happens in life.

"We are still fighting, but we have love and family"

“It so happened that I filed for divorce myself, although I loved him madly, and you both loved each other, did not want to get divorced, but life together was just hell. To forget him, I even had to leave for another country. Although I always wanted to go there, and when we parted, it became a catalyst that pushed me to changes in my life. In short, I left, but we talked on the phone and on the Internet for another six months. And then I met a man there, he is a citizen of that country, dear, wonderful. He took care of me, helped me, and absolutely disinterestedly. And I continued to think about my ex, cry about him. Every night, going to bed, I imagined that he was there, but my brain said that since we cannot get along on the same roof, then we should not try again. But I loved him.

He wrote me beautiful messages on the Internet, confessed his feelings. And my foreigner fell in love with me even more. And in the end he proposed to me.

And I found myself in a difficult situation of choice: either to marry a wonderful, truly loving, calm foreigner who will provide for both me and my mother, help me with citizenship, or continue to dry up with my ex, with whom we lived like a cat and a dog. Then my mother adds fuel to the fire, reproaches me that I do not take her out of Russia. The foreigner demands an answer, but I still love my ex. And the more my mom and my boyfriend put pressure on me, the stronger my love for my ex becomes. I married a foreigner. Moved mom. We lived for a year and a half, and I ran away to my ex. We got married immediately after my divorce from a foreigner. Now we fight as often as before, but we have love and family. It's just that now we understand that if we swear, then we must definitely put up the next day, and so much time wasted in vain. "
Larisa, 33 years old

"Doesn't call for marriage, is afraid of a second refusal"

“While studying at the institute, I met a guy, fell in love at first sight, a dizzying romance began, love is like in TV shows. We met for a year, and then it seemed to me that everything was too serious with us, and I was only 20 years old, I hadn’t seen anything in my life, and he was already calling me to marry. I refused. In addition, I loved him so much that in all seriousness I thought that I was not worthy of him and that even if we got married, he would leave me anyway. In short, he said that I was hysterical, and stopped contact with me. He immediately, right the next day, had a new girlfriend. He married her after graduation, and I did not meet with anyone. Then I went to work, met a colleague, started an affair, love, I got pregnant, got married, we had a beautiful daughter.

I finally realized that a woman was created for a family, children, at home, and I had all this, only now I constantly remembered my ex. Even during sex with my husband, I imagined the ex.

My husband began to understand that our marriage is a game with only one goal, he got himself a mistress, then another, in short, went to the women. Now I do not blame him for this, I understand that he, most likely, on a subconscious level felt that there is another man in my life, even if not physically, but this strange man is always with me in my thoughts. We divorced. She began to live alone, then decided that she needed to end with loneliness. I climbed onto a dating site and saw a picture of my ex. We talked, it turned out that he had already been married twice. He also has a daughter. Now divorced. He invited me to a cafe, then they began to meet more often, moved on to a closer relationship. Now we see each other regularly, says that he loves, but does not call for marriage, I think that because of his male pride. Afraid of a second refusal, and I don't rush him to get married, I was already married. As a result, we are not lovers, but we are not family either. Although I am not complaining: in my life there is harmony and my beloved ex. "
Irina, 39 years old

"If you broke up because of a misunderstanding, you need to put up"

“I had an affair, or rather a double affair with my boss. When I was studying at the university, I came to his firm for an internship. Fell head over heels in love. He is cool, solid, courteous, they started dating, and everything was very decent, no intimate relationships, only romance. After a couple of months, we already approached sex, but we did not succeed the first time. Problems began, he began to avoid me, cut my practice, and there was no question of my further employment. He wrote me a wild review of the practice, I had to rewrite myself and beg the press from his secretary. Bottom line: we quarreled with him to smithereens, it came to insults, I called him impotent, he made me a youngster. On that and finished their beautiful novel.

I graduated from university, got a job, went to an international conference and met him. It was embarrassing, and then they started talking in the bar, laughed at the past and slept on the same day.

Now they have been married for three years. I'm on maternity leave now. I think that if the reason for the breakup is some kind of misunderstanding, then it is imperative to put up again and give the relationship a second chance. "
Victoria, 26 years old

Burn the bridges and do not regret anything!

I don’t give anyone a second chance anymore, because I think it’s pointless and thankless. When you give a second chance to someone, you are actually giving it to yourself, admit it. You are just not ready to let go of the person yet. Too accustomed to it. But people don't change. A liar is a liar. An idiot is an idiot. Womanizer - womanizer. Neurasthenic - neurasthenic. Well, you get the idea.

From my past experience, I can say that nothing good ever comes out of all these returns and forgiveness of a person who was once so dear. All the same, the result is the same - parting.

A person disappointed you with something or simply left your life for no apparent reason, then, as Foxy wrote: “A good road and no traffic jams”. Burn bridges and do not regret anything.

Young Woman with Broken Cup - Image by © Holger Winkler / A.B. / Corbis

Giving someone a second chance will just fray your nerves one more time. You will howl into your pillow at night not only in December, but again in February, and then, possibly, in April. It’s for whom how much strength will be enough to jump on the same rake.

Repeated disappointment in a person who has already disappointed you with something is inevitable. Therefore, it is necessary to pluck at once by the roots. I understand, it's easy to say, harder to do. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's hard. Yes, we are used to it. Yes, until they learned to live without him. But it is better to suffer once than to suffer for several years.

Love yourself first, and then everyone else. Have pride, don't be humiliated. Respect yourself. Be strong in the end, because our whole life is a struggle. First of all, with myself.