Typical family education errors. Family education styles. A typical error is a cold relationship with a child. On the sustainability of family relations

10.05.2019

Good parents grow good children. How often we hear this statement often find it difficult to explain what it is - good parents.

Future parents think that they can be good, having studied special literature or seizure by special education methods. Undoubtedly, pedagogical and psychological knowledge is necessary, but only some knowledge of little. Is it possible to call good parents who never doubt, always confident in their rightness, always exactly imagine that the child needs and what can he be claimed that at any time they know how to proceed with absolute accuracy, and can foresee Not only the behavior of own children in various situations, but also their further life?

And it is possible to call good parents who arrive in constant disturbing doubts, they are lost whether they are faced with something new in the behavior of the child, do not know whether it is possible to punish, and if they resorted to punishment for offense, they immediately believe that were wrong? All unexpected in the behavior of the child causes their fright, it seems to them that they do not enjoy authority, sometimes doubt whether their own children love. Often, children in certain harmful habits are often suspected, anxiety is expressed about their future, they fear bad examples, the unfavorable influence of the "Street", express doubts about the mental health of children.

In assessing any human activity, it is usually based on some ideal, norms. In educational activities, apparently, there is no such absolute norm. We learn to be parents, just as learning to be husbands and wives, as we comprehend the secrets of skill and professionalism in any case.

In parental labor, both in any other, errors and doubts, and temporary failures, lesions that are replaced by victories are possible. Education in the family is the same life, and our behavior and even our feelings for children are complex, changeable and contradictory.

Parents constitute the first public environment of the child. Parents personality play a material role in the life of every person. It is not by chance that to parents, especially to the mother, we mentally appeal in a difficult minute of life. At the same time, the feelings that paint the relationship of the child and parents are special feelings other than other emotional ties. The specifics of the feelings arising between children and parents are mainly determined by the fact that parental care is necessary to maintain the child's life itself. And the need for parental love is truly the vital need for a small human being. The love of every child to their parents is infinite, unconditional, limitless. Moreover, if in the first years of life, love for parents provides their own life and security, then, as parental love is growing, increasingly performs the function of maintaining and security of the internal, emotional and psychological world of man. Parental love is a source and guarantee of the well-being of a person, maintaining bodily and mental health, as mentioned about it above.

That is why the first and main task of parents is the creation of a child of confidence that it loves him and take care of him. Never under any circumstances should have doubts about parental love. The most natural and most necessary of all the duties of the parents is to relate to the child at any age lovingly and carefully.

Many parents believe that in no case cannot be shown to children a love for them, believing that when the child knows well that it loves, it leads to spoils, egoism, self. It is necessary to categorically reject this statement. All these adverse personality features just occur with a lack of love, when a certain emotional deficit is created when the child is deprived of a solid foundation of constant parental affection. The suggestion of the child feeling that he love him and take care of him, it does not depend on the time that parents pay for children, or the child is raised at home or from an early age in the manger and kindergarten. This is not connected with the provision of material conditions, with the number of material costs embedded in the upbringing. Moreover, not always visible caring of other parents, numerous classes in which the child is included on their initiative contribute to the achievement of this most important educational goal.

Deep permanent psychological contact with the child is a universal demand for education, which can be recommended to the same degree to all parents, contact is necessary in the upbringing of each child at any age. It is the feeling and experience of contact with parents give children the opportunity to feel and realize parental love, affection and care. The basis for conservation of contact is sincere interest in everything that happens in the child's life, sincere curiosity to his childhood, let the wisp, the desire to observe all the changes that occur in the soul and consciousness of a growing person. It is quite natural that the specific forms and manifestations of this contact are widely vary, depending on the age and individuality of the child. But it is useful to think about the general patterns of psychological contact between children and parents in the family. Contact can never arise by itself, it needs to be built even with a baby. When it says about mutual understanding, emotional contact between children and parents, there is a certain dialogue, the interaction of a child and an adult with each other.

Family is most often hidden from external observation the world of complex relationships, traditions and rules, which, in one degree or another, affect the peculiarities of the personality of its members, and first of all children. Nevertheless, there are a number of objective social factors, which, one way or another, affect everyone without exceptions. Among those can be noted:
- a gap of neighborhood, and in some cases and related links;
- all the great inclusiveness of a woman in production activities and its dual load - at work and in the family;
- a shortage of time for upbringing and intimidian communication;
- Housing and material difficulties - all this in one degree or another causes difficulties in implementing the family of its educational functions.

However, with all the significance of the listed factors, they do not play a decisive role in the emergence of deviations in, alienation of parents and children. The greatest danger in this regard is the mistakes of parents in raising children who are voluntarily or involuntarily allowed by parents in building relationships with their own children, forgetting that these relationships are always educational.

When analyzing the parental attitude, two psychological dimensions are allocated to children's psychologists: a form of control over the behavior of a child and the nature of an emotional attitude towards him.

Violation of the parental attitude towards a child or parental attitudes within any of these measurements or simultaneously in both leads to serious defects in the development of the child's personality. For example, the lack of proper control over the behavior of a child in combination with excessive emotional concentration on it, the situation of stockiness, illness, unprincipled compliance, the continuous underlining of existing and non-existent advantages forms hysterical traits of nature. The same consequences arise and with an indifferent attitude by the type of "rejection".

Excessive control, presentation of too strict moral requirements, intimidation, suppression of independence, the abuse of punishments, including physical, lead, on the one hand, to the formation of cruelty, and on the other, they can push it to attempt to suicide.

The lack of emotional contact, a warm attitude towards a child in combination with the lack of due control and ignorance of child interests and problems leads to cases of flight from the house, vagrancy, during which misconduct are often performed.

There are several relatively autonomous, through which parents affect their children. First, reinforcements: encouraging the behavior that adults are considered correct, and punishing the violation of the established rules, parents are introduced into the child's consciousness a certain system of norms, the observance of which gradually becomes a habit and internal need for a child. Secondly, identification: the child imitates parents, focuses on their example, tries to become the same as they. Thirdly, an understanding: Knowing the inner world of the child and sensitively responded to his problems, thereby forming his self-consciousness and communicative qualities.

The best relationship between parents and children add up when parents adhere to the democratic style of upbringing. This style most contributes to the upbringing of independence, activity, initiatives and social responsibility. The behavior of the child is sent in this case sequentially and at the same time flexibly and rationally:
- the parent always explains the motives of its requirements and encourages their discussion with the child (it is especially important to do in adolescent and older school age);
- Power is used only in moderation;
- in the child is valued both obedience and independence;
- the parent establishes the rules and firmly conducts them in life, but at the same time does not consider itself infallible;
- He listens to the opinions of the child, but does not proceed only from his desires.

The extreme types of relationships, anyway, whether they go toward authoritarianism or liberal freeness, give bad results. Authoritarian style causes children alienation from parents, feeling of their insignificance and unwaniness in the family. Parental requirements, if they seem unfounded, cause either protest and aggression, or familiar apathy and passivity. The inflection towards absolmpability causes a feeling that the parents do not have before him. In addition, passive, disinterested parents cannot be the subject of imitation and identification, and other influences - schools, peers, mass communication products - often cannot fill this gap, leaving a child without proper leadership and orientation in a complex and changing world. The weakening of the parent start, as well as its hypertrophy, contributes to the weak Ya.

Studies of psychologists on family issues indicates that distorted parental attacks in the overwhelming majority of cases are not the ultimate cause of family education anomalies and violations of child-parent relations. Parental attitudes are quite often associated with marital relations, with relations to families of parents of spouses - grandparents, with personal features of adult family members and children.

As noted in previous sections of work, children can become an adult rivalry arena, a means of influence or pressure, a way to punish or revenge. Negative emotions experienced to other family members can be transferred to children - to the spouse, his parents. In addition, parents can be emotionally or morally not prepared for the fulfillment of parental functions. They may have no parental motivation, a sense of responsibility for may be not developed, or, on the contrary, hypertrophy; They may experience a deficit of respect for themselves and, as a result, not to feel entitled to control the child and direct its development.

Parents' errors in child education may be due to a number of other reasons. However, this does not exclude, but only confirms how diverse the identity of the child's personality in the family is and complex, and how important it is to represent those difficulties that each parent may be faced in order to avoid their errors in this important.

In this regard, it makes sense to separately dwell on the characteristics of typical style of the upbringing agents most common in disadvantaged families.

The most faithful way to improve the education of children in the family is the prevention of pedagogical mistakes of parents. And this, in turn, implies awareness and proper interpretation of the most typical of them. Frequently occurring errors in family education can be divided into three groups:
1) incorrect representations of parents about the features of the manifestation of parental feelings (parental love);
2) the insufficient psychological competence of the parents about the age development of the child and adequate to it methods of educational impact;
3) underestimation of the role of personal example of parents and the unity of the claims for the child.

The first group of pedagogical mistakes of parents is the wrong ideas about the features of the manifestation of parental feelings.

Perhaps the most common situation in many current disadvantaged families is inability, and sometimes the reluctance of parents to build their relationship with children based on reasonable.

Considering the child as personal and private property, such parents can either overly patron it, seeking to immediately satisfy any whim, or constantly punish, experiencing the most cruel means of exposure, or in all means to shy away from classes with him, providing him with complete freedom. At the same time, they may sincerely believe in what they do solely for his own good, help him in life becoming. The awareness of errors can come very late when it is almost impossible to correct something in the deformed personality of the child.

One of the most common types of incorrect family education is a hyperopka (excessive guardianship without taking into account the individual characteristics, interests and inconsistencies of the child himself or the construction of even minor success in the rank of outstanding abilities - education by the type of "idilation of the family"). Hyperopka is expressed in the pursuit of parents:
1) Surround the child with increased attention;
2) in all protect it, even if there is no real need;
3) accompany each of his step;
4) to protect against possible dangers that are often the fruit of parental imagination;
5) worry about any occasion without reason;
6) hold children near himself, "tied" to your mood and feelings;
7) obligate to come in a certain way.

Fencing children from any difficulties and boring, unpleasant things, indulging their whims and whims, parents, in fact, do not so much raise them as they serve them. All this can be complemented by the exaggeration of their abilities and talents, and children grow in an atmosphere of unrestrained praise and admiration. In this way, the desire is always given to be in sight, nothing to know the refusal, waiting for a brilliant future. But when this does not happen, the crisis is inevitable. Some are trying to take all the desired force, any illegal means. Others unhappy and consider themselves unhappy, deceived, disadvantaged. As a result of long-term hypertequer, the child loses the ability to mobilize its energy in difficult situations, he is waiting for help from adults, and, above all, from parents; The so-called "learned helplessness" is developing - the habit, conditionally reflex reaction to any obstacles as for insurmountable. Possible other sad outcome. Dimmer control, the pursuit of parents to take all the concerns and acceptance of responsible solutions for themselves can over time angry children, and, indignant, they raise a riot against oppression and if they do not seek relaxation, they can leave their home.

As a rule, excessive guardianship, as an unnatural, elevated level of care, is needed, first of all, not so many children as the parents themselves, who ignore them is unrealized and often a pointed need for attachment and love. According to experts, the factors associated with the child's parents themselves are important in this case, and first of all mothers (according to research of psychologists and doctors, the mother is more inclined to take care of children), many of which themselves rose in families without spiritual heat and parental love . Therefore, they are determined to give their children what they were not allowed themselves, but "bend a stick", which ultimately leads to the emergence of the too caring attitude towards the child.

The desire of the mother "to link" to himself the child is at its base and a pronounced feeling of anxiety or anxiety about the state of the child's health, if his birth was accompanied by any complications or in infancy, he often suffered chronic, and sometimes life-threatening diseases. In such cases, the hyperopka during the disease is a reasonable measure, the difficulties arise as a result of what it continues after recovery.

It is often at the heart of Hyperopki is a moral misconception: in the consciousness of the parents, the child turns into a "treasure" - Merilo Parentine prestige, a fragile and invaluable thing, which must be stored "under the cap" from all knowingly harmful effects of the outside world.

An important factor contributing to the emergence of hyperteks is. Fathers of over-guarded children are often overly submissive people, and almost do not take actively participating in the daily life of their family. Will dissatisfied with her relationship with her husband, the mother can seek some compensation that he does not give her marriage, in emphasized closely with the child, pouring his entire energy on him. Mother dominating in the family involuntarly seeks to create dependence in children. Here the psychological mechanism works not so much "ties", how many "bindings" of children to act certain, once and forever a predetermined way, which is satisfied with the mother.

A strong hostility towards the child may be hidden behind the hyperex. Since the feeling is socially unacceptable for the parent and is associated with the experience of the guilt, it is supplanted in the subconscious. Some unsatisfied and disappointed parents are afraid that their hostility or rejection of the child can lead to something terrible to him. When the mother unconsciously "fights against" the feelings of antagonism towards his own child, she can react to it with a hyperopic and excessive care, as if proving himself how much she really loves him. This is especially likely when the feelings of love and hatred coexist with each other. In such cases, parents cannot recognize the possibility of existence of hate towards who they at the same time love. This kind of ambiguity is a very common form of experiences and by itself is completely normal. It is the reaction to these feelings leads to a violation of socio-psychological adaptation, which manifests itself in this case in the form of hyperteks.

Sometimes a hyperophec is motivated by the anxiety of his own parents and an obsessive need for psychological protection rather than a child.

Hyperopka may directly arise as a result of some mental health disorders. Such violations lead to the manifestation of the abnormal "need" of the mother in the dependent position of the child. So, M. Ratter gives an example of this kind of hyper-associated behavior of a mother who suffered schizophrenia.

She insisted on to sleep in one bed with her son, and could not bear the thoughts that he would ever grown. Every night she went to bed, holding his hand. Such behavior developed as a result of violations of its thinking and other mental functions. Periodically, during the exacerbation of her illness, she led the child to the clinic as it were to complain about the difficulty experienced by the son. In fact, in this way she tried to express their almost delusional thoughts against the Son and in the veiled form to ask for help for themselves.

Each child sooner or later should join an independent life. And the more it before it is overly guarded, they defended, the less he will be prepared independent life, the harder it will cope with a lot of complex phenomena, which is so rich in life.

The pedagogical position of the parents of the opposite nature can lead to the same negative result in the development of the identity of the child - strict, to cruelty, power over children. Already in early childhood, the child will know all kinds of punishment: he is beaten for the slightest prank, for pestures - punish. Sometimes not only punish, but they have the most cruel means of exposure to it: they put angle on their knees, threaten the militia and beaten by the most different ways. Unfortunately, the ill-treatment of children is quite common, and especially in socially disadvantaged families, where violence towards children becomes an ordinary phenomenon. In this regard, it makes sense to apply to the definition of the concept of "cruelty" in relation to the issues under consideration. Unfortunately, neither in domestic, nor in foreign psychology still does not have a consequential opinion regarding the explanation of the psychological mechanisms for the emergence of ill-behavior and manifestation of violence. These concepts themselves are still rather everyday (that is, intuitively clear), rather than scientific. Nevertheless, in modern psychological literature, the following interpretation of cruelty is found as one of the types of aggressive behavior. "Cruelty can be understood as a certain damage to the victim and committed without the experience of pity or sympathy from the subject of this behavior. Cruelty is also understood as the trait of the character of a person and in this case it suggests, first of all, inhumanity, the lack of humanity. If the aggression is inherent in animals, and man, then cruelty is only a person. Cruelty also implies violence against the needs, intentions, feelings, plants of the object, humiliation or coercion to the actions contrary to their aspirations. " Under cruelty is also understood as the desire for the causing suffering, torment, people and animals, expressed not only in actions, but also inaction, words, as well as fantasizing the appropriate content.

There are 4 basic forms of ill-treatment and disregard for children:
1. Physical abuse.
2. Sexual violence or corruption.
3. Mental (emotional) violence
4. Neglecting the basic needs of the child (moral cruelty).

Physical abuse is a deliberate application by parents or persons who replace them, physical damage, which can lead to a child's death or cause serious (requiring medical care) violations of physical or mental health, or lead to lagging in their development.

Physical violence also includes corporal punishments that damage the physical or mental health of the child.

Taking into account the fact that corporal punishments most often meet in the educational practice of parents from disadvantaged families, especially with the open form of disadvantage, we will dwell on some psychological moments of this means of disciplining a child.

As you know, the parents are most often resorted to punishments when they want to achieve obedience from children and unquestioning suits to the requirements, believing that this is the most effective means of upbringing and monitoring discipline. And they fall into the trap of their own delusions.

The famous American specialist in the field of children's psychology and psychiatry Ross Campbell believes that the main danger of the use of physical punishments as behavior control means is that it, firstly, sharply facilitates the feeling of guilt, secondly, can lead to identifying itself with aggressor.

Body punishment leads to degradation, dehumanization and humiliation of the child. As a result, the child can feel that spanking is punishment, sufficient in itself. If it is often punished and severely, the child does not produce the necessary sense of guilt, which prevents the development of a full-fledged awareness of himself as a person. Without the basics of unconditional love, the child will not be able to pass all the phases of development, especially identifying himself with parents, which is citing the formation of a healthy psyche and adequate.

One of the negative effects of corporal punishment is to identify itself with the aggressor. It is also a psychological mechanism that allows you to avoid feelings of guilt. The child is on the side of the punishing parent, and he has a feeling that be aggressive and punishing correctly. Then, when the child grows up, and his own children will appear, it is possible that he will treat them the same way as he treated him as a child. The use of corporal punishment (or the threat to their use) as the main means of raising children goes from generation to generation.

Parents should not be forgotten that the punishment in itself is effective only to the punishing person: the child begins to be afraid of him, it is trying to behave "decently" only in the presence of this person, without complying with the requirements of decency in relation to other people. The effectiveness of punishments largely depends on the depth of experiences. Their essence is not to shiver a child, but to encourage him to experience the feeling of guilt for the deed, feel the negative aspects of His offense and try not to allow such behavior in the future. If this goal is achieved, then punishment benefits.

Many consider the cultivation of the feelings of guilt undesirable and forget that he has an important positive aspect. When the sense of guilt is too oppressing a person - it is harmful, but in a reasonable degree it is vital in the formation and maintenance of a healthy consciousness. Normal, healthy, allowing the child to reasonably limit their behavior, much more efficiently of a label discipline causing fear, anger and indignation.

At the same time, it should be borne in mind that the punishment may be unsuccessful if it is used hastily, ill-impaired, sorry and undeservedly, i.e. Does not correspond to the degree of "Printing". Such punishment causes a feeling of humiliation, burglarity, destroys good relations in the family. One of the high school students in his essay about the history of family education, which was conducted by a research character, wrote: "For the slightest misdeed, the parents put me in the corner, awarded unflattering epithets and even a belt. It is scary, but this is true. Especially often punished mother. If at least one troach appeared in the diary, she scattered my books, notebooks, drawings on the room, offensively shouted at me, threatened to drive out of the house. After such scenes, there was a week of silence. As a result, between us did not become spiritual intimacy. I did not want to share with her not only the most expensive, intimate, but even ordinary news. I did not want to even talk. And that amazing: at work she is a good specialist, an engineer, and our family is considered a prosperous ... "

If the parents knew how to demand their actions and mistakes of adolescents, then many of them could have behaved differently.

Even parents who really love their children do not always know how to use the punishment tool. Cruelty can not be convinced either more to fix a person. Moreover, the cruelty can cause a response. Punishment is a very acute pedagogical weapon, so its use requires great caution, diligence and everyday wisdom.

I would like to offer parents several rules for the use of punishments:
- punishment should be fair and comply with the character of the offense;
- before punishing, find out the causes and motives of the misdemeanor;
- Do not punish on suspicion, for suspicion has nothing to do with true demands;
- Do not punish the children in a state of burglar, anger and irritation, in this state, mistakes are most often accomplished. Anger is a poison that poisoning and the one who is punished, and who punishes;
- Be merciful, do not resort to the sorry for cruel measures of punishment, follow it up to a calm pore;
- Do not abuse the parental authority, do not forget that you were children, keep a sense of measure in punishments, because frequent punishments cease to act;
- Sometimes it is useful to offer his misconduct himself and appoint a sentence to himself. Thus, you will teach a teenager to analyze your actions and make requirements for yourself;
- The right to punish the family should be given to that of parents who have a calmer and balanced character.

Sexual violence or corruption is the involvement of a child with his consent or without any, aware or unconscious to them due to functional immaturity or other reasons, in sexual action with adults in order to obtain the latest satisfaction or benefits.

The consent of the child for sexual contact does not give reason to consider it non-violent, because a child:
a) does not have complete freedom, being dependent on the adult;
b) cannot fully anticipate the negative effects of sexual action.

And that is the most amazing, many children and even teenagers, becoming the object of sexual harassment of someone from relatives, do not consider it violence. Psychologists explain such a child error in that in the conditions of family disadvantaged, the child often feels no one who is not necessary and unloved. The manifestation of sexual interest on him from the older family members is often regarded by him as a special favor: he feels an important person, because the adult divides him a secret and clearly needs it. He considers such a form of manifestation of increased attention to himself nothing more than love.

The most common manifestations of mental (emotional) violence, which is characteristic of families both with an explicit (open) and hidden form of disadvantaged. This type of intra-daily violence is characterized by a long, permanent or periodic psychological impact, leading to the formation of pathological traits in a child or violating the development of his personality. To this form, violence includes:
- open rejection and criticism of the child,
- insult and humiliation of his dignity,
- Threats to the child who are manifested in verbal form without physical violence,
- deliberate physical or social isolation of the child,
- presentation to the child excessive requirements that do not apply to its age and opportunities,
- false and non-fulfillment of promises from adults,
- Baby trust violation.

A single mental impact, which caused a child with a mental injury, also enters this type of violence.

Neglecting the basic needs of the child (moral cruelty) is quite a bad phenomenon in disadvantaged families. At the same time, on the part of the parents there is no elementary concern for the child, as a result of which his emotional state is disturbed or a threat appears for its health and development.

Any kind of ill-treatment of children (and most often there is a combination of several forms of violence against children) violates the physical and mental health of the child, developing it as a person.

The cruel appeal of parents with children can be a variety of reasons for social and psychological order, but most often parents, like their child, are victims of their own ideas. Poor attitude towards children in the family occurs on a specific background. The author of positive family psychotherapy N. Pesheshkian believes that it is usually brutally treating children parents, crushed by the severity of the task of raising their children. If you trace the chain of events leading to ill-treatment, you can detect an almost typical situation: the child does something that parents consider misdeed. He can cry at a time when his father looks on TV's favorite sports gear. Or the child leads his closer to his room, while the mother is proud that her house is similar to the magazine. Or dirt pants, and mother equates it to disobedience and uncleanness. Or plays on the street with friends and late comes home.

In all these situations, the child commits crimes against the value system of his parents. By a third-party observer, this or that violation may seem small, but in the representations of the parents, it has such a greater threat that they consider it necessary to respond to it using physical strength. Parents are trying to protect their values \u200b\u200b(respect, obedience, order, courtesy, achievement, cleanliness, etc.) from the alleged encroachment by the child. They want to inspire these values \u200b\u200bto him, but in their reactions enter the goal. The result becomes a cruel treatment of the child. The drama of the situation is that parents, in reality, had the best intentions, but were captured by their rigid ideas. Meanwhile it would be enough to free them from the feeling that their values \u200b\u200bare under such a threat, and then they could react to their alarms differently than beating. "Beat children," said N. Phezhekian, is not an expression of parental power, but the manifestation of the helplessness that parents cannot recognize. "

As an example, I would like to bring belated recognition of one of these mothers, which I understood that he had deprived her childhood children with their wrong behavior, only when he had the opportunity to observe how they were adults behave with their own children and, Happiness, did not adopted my mother's "". "How I am to blame! Neither the lullabies did not sing, nor fairy tale told them. Slightly - immediately belt or angle. And notation: "All children are like children, and I ...". As soon as they endured? Not rebelted, did not snap. Maybe they guessed that in a different way I just do not know how? I thought it seemed to bring them up. Now I understand that in fact I called my children, deprived of their childhood. ... Lord! How is it ashamed when I remember all my "impossible!", "Do not touch!", "Not your mind is!" etc. The ice cream once again did not give. Everything saved. ... and daughter? She is a girl, her caress and tenderness is even more necessary. I want to ask them if you are hard to be my children. But I do not decide: the question is rhetorical. Itself just recently understood how difficult it was when no one says that he loves you, and only demands and accuses. When you planted on trifles, and at the same time they say that bad is not your act, and you yourself. "

Due to the fact that the problem of domestic violence has recently been out of individual apartments and has fallen into the attention of many international organizations that turn to specialists-psychologists, sociologists, law enforcement officers with a call to stop marital violence that undermines the foundations not only Family, but also society as a whole. Children suffer from violence in the family first. According to the Ministry of Internal Affairs, parents annually beat two million children under the age of 14. Falling from violence, more than 50 thousand children ran out of the house. It is not terrible statistics in itself, but the fact that fate breaks out for closed doors of apartments every day, human dignity is humiliated, the souls of children are crouching.

Since the emergence of human civilization, the children were considered the property of parents than to some extent and the brutal attitude towards them is explained. Sweetbey for many generations was generally accepted practice. From unwanted children and babies with congenital defects, they regularly refused in Babylon, ancient Greece and ancient Rome. Even in England, the laws were justified in the early era of the laws, if it was committed in the first days after the birth of a child. And only in the second half of the 20th century, special laws that binds to report the facts of ill-treatment of children in many countries, which was confirmed that cruelty towards a child is a serious social problem.

We see your task in the framework of this work in order to dwell in more detail on those psychological factors that contribute to the abuse of children at present, as well as to consider the main (typical) causes of parent cruelty and the lack of care for the child.

As evidenced by the study of foreign authors, the number of cases of ill-treatment of children in large urban areas is much higher than in small cities, suburbs or rural areas. Among the workers engaged in physical labor, the level of violent actions relative to children is 45% higher than among employees. People who have a higher level of educational training are more aggressive to children, while their violence is "refined".

People who are cruelly related to children are so emotionally unstable that they are not able to satisfy the urgent needs of their children. In many cases, the parent, poorly related to the child or not concerned about him, is not so cruel and desperate as misleading, helpless in matters of education or suffering from any pathology. Nevertheless, there are a number of typical psychological causes of parental cruelty, which will dwell in more detail.

1. In families, where cruel attitude towards children are taken, often there is a target child, on whom family members, including spouses, are trying to predict all their problems. It is considered special, characterized from others: either too active or too passive, and it becomes the object of aggression of family members. A child can remind a hated relative, to be a pet of one of the parents, may have a flaw, which annoys his tormentover, to be considered evil, have physical or mental disadvantages or appear in the light.

2. The critical situation in the family or circumstances often cause outbreaks of cruel behavior. These include loss of work, separation from your loved one, the death of someone from loved ones, unwanted pregnancy, or even any minor event, fundamentally important for adult, who himself desperately needs consolation.

3. Many parents are emotionally not ready for the responsibility that maternity or paternity impose on them, and often either too close to the heart take the troubles associated with the fulfillment of parental duties, or simply ignore them. In childhood, they did not have an interpersonal skills formed. The deficit of emotional education, which they experienced in so significant for their personal development years, limited their ability to treat themselves with respect and interact with others.

4. Very often the cause of a cruel attitude towards a child is the lack of elementary knowledge of child development. It is necessary to know that in early childhood, and in preschool age, children cannot immediately fulfill any requirement. This does not happen from disobedience, and because of the lethargy of reactions, the slowdestness of awareness of the need for new actions, inertness of temporary nervous ties in the crust of large hemispheres. And parents can expect momentous subordination, the unquestioning fulfillment of the requirement, providing a child who is not any pressure on it. The main mental stresses and the "difficult" behavior appear in the child most often in the so-called critical (crisis) periods of its development, when new formation in the physical, spiritual and moral structure of the emerging personality occurs and begin to actively appear. And the earlier the parents will figure it out in this setting, the less likely to occur in the occasion and deformations in the mental and moral relations of the child, the less he needs the "power" methods of educational impact on the part of parents.

5. The model of domestic violence is usually transmitted from one generation to another. Strict punishments are usually not considered violence towards children, but are considered as a family tradition. As psychologists believe, up to 90% of parents showing cruelty towards children, although they care about them, however, have a limited range of family education skills, since they follow the model they have been inherited.

6. Very typical of families, in which family violence reigns, isolation from the outside world. Many of them live closer and do not use a draw. Inherent distrust leads to the denial of attempts by the neighbors to establish cooperation with them.

7. In modern society in many families, physical abuse acquires a systematic and chronic character. Every year, at least one child from a hundred suffers from parents' beatings and at least 40% of children at least once experienced beatings in childhood. Three of the hundred children suffer from the use of firearm and cold weapons.

It is impossible not to mention teenage pregnancy, which has serious consequences. The reasons that encourage many adolescents to have a child are usually associated with the lack of emotional attachment in the family, where there is a tragic situation of gaps of generations. Psychologists call it "families with tension." The atmosphere itself is unfavorable, often mounted: there is an unhealthy psychological climate, everything together and each individually feel uncomfortable. And the children run to seek love "on the side" if it lacks at home. Teens want to find an excuse to either leave home, or hope that the child will satisfy their needs for love and emotional support. According to statistics, only 6 thousand genera takes place in Moscow annually and 8 thousand abortions are made among minors. But these are only those that have been conducted in state clinics. There is reason to assume that the real figure is significantly larger.

No less detrimental to form a person's personality is an emotionally indifferent attitude towards him, providing him from an early age freedom, which he still does not know how to use. Such an incorrect parental position manifested in a lack of attention and care for the child received the name "Gipopeks" or "Hypoprotection".

As a result of the lack of attention from parents or replacing their adults, the child is experiencing a deficit of protection (protection) to an unfamiliar and frightening external world, it feels loneliness and helplessness in overcoming difficulties - including those with which he, with the support of parents, is easy I would have coped.

The extreme form of manifestation of hypoopects is the absence of any care for children (most often found in alcohol and drug addicts). But, perhaps, families in which children are materially secured, but their emotional needs and mental experiences are ignored are ignored. The child almost never caresses, do not behave with him sincere conversations, are not interested in both his grief, insults and successes. This testifies to the emotional curing of the child, because parents not only do not like their children, but also themselves. Regardless of behavior, the child does not receive approval, but all his shortcomings are noticed, and the hail of comments and reproaches are blocked on it, sometimes parents can resort to physical violence. When children are constantly reminded that they are bad, inept, indifferent, lazy, contrast them to others, they can grow timid, clogged, unsure of themselves, with reduced self-esteem. It will prevent them from revealing their abilities in life.

With the lack of parental heat and attention, the intellectual possibilities of children can suffer, and they will slow them down. In addition, if a child in early childhood failed to establish emotional connections with adults, then at an older age he will meet with significant difficulties. The ability to emotional response is formed from the first months of life, and, of course, a special role in this belongs to parents who must teach the child to rejoice and disappear, sympathize and empathize.

What can be related to the peculiarities of parental relationships to their child? There are several reasons here. In some cases, parents simply have no matter to children, they are occupied by their problems and "forget" about parental responsibilities. This is possible in criminal and criminal-immoral families (social orphanhood of children). In other cases, some parents trying to teach a child from an early age to independence, to avoid excessive guardianship, fall into another extremes - complete ignoring the emotional needs and mental experiences of the child.

Sometimes parents, not wanting to take the burden of educational problems on their shoulders, are trying to declare the idea of \u200b\u200bthe withdrawal of the worlds of the child and adults. Often, this is supplied by the "pedagogical" foundation - let it grow independent, independent, relative, free. They limit their participation in the life of the child only from the case of the case formally asked questions about how things are, without waiting for the child to share with them with their experiences and ask the Council to decide some exciting issue. In this case, the cause of hypoopects more than serious is indifference to the fate of the child. At the same time, indifferent parents are trying to hide, disguise their socially unacceptable attitude towards the child with all sorts of squeezed gestures (this is often expensive gifts, which they seem to be bought off from a child, not engaged in its problems on the merits), demagogic arguments about "" "" "" of the "spoil" "children Real parental care. Often, such races are not only for an external disguise, but are psychological protection against their own conscience, a means of self-excursion.

Parents are always difficult to find the "golden middle" in matters of their own children: to preserve the fragile equilibrium meaning to be unnecessarily caring, and so that they are too early to demand from a child of independence, and infecting him for intentionally perfect misconduct, do not overshadow that face that separates the deserved punishment from the manifestation of violence.

The second group of pedagogical mistakes of parents is insufficient psychological competence in the field of age development of the child. Most often, this is manifested in the inability to take into account age changes in the psyche of the child and handling it according to the model of the previous age stage. Such inertness of parents causes various forms of negativism in children. Especially brightly negativism is manifested in adolescence.

At the beginning, children are formed by the "feeling of adulthood", an idea of \u200b\u200bitself as a person who has the right to own judgment, initiative, independence from the world of adults. The transition from younger school age to teenage so striving that parents are not easy to catch significant changes in the psyche of the child, and they continue to patronize him and control how if he remained the same.

Parents are trying to limit the activity, the independence of the teenager, sometimes in an authoritarian form express negative opinions about his friends, interests, try to influence the hobbies of the child. Naturally, trust, disrespect for the personality of a teenager contributes to the alienation of children from parents, leads to irritability and disobedience. Perhaps it will be appropriate to remind the words of the Ancient Indian wisdom to be reminded: "With a son under five years old, contact as a king, from 5 to 15 - as with a servant, after 15 - as with a friend." The absence from the parents of the parents is the friendly, trusting attitude toward a teenager most often is the main reason for the emergence of emotional alienation and even hostility in its relationship with them.

If parents do not understand the needs of children, they do not want to analyze the motives of their actions, attribute to them the non-existent motives and are judged by them, between their parents and children there is a semantic barrier. So, for example, parents believe that the son ran away from the lesson, because he did not want to learn, and not from solidarity with the guys; Covered comrade's misconduct - from cowardice, because it will be rejected by a class, and not because it is its Code of Honor, etc. Parents should know that children live not only in accordance with adult standards, but also in accordance with the norms that have developed within a class or group with which the child contacts. However, the world of children's norms is already stricter than the world of adults, and children prefer - even knowing that they will be convicted by parents - to live in accordance with these group standards. Parents believe that the punishment of the child for violation of generally accepted moral norms will benefit him, but the result will be the opposite, if not to take into account, for which the laws the children's group lives, and what the presentations of the presence in it first determine the behavior of the child.

Typical errors include the intolerance of parents to the differences in their children. Sometimes parents complain about the slowness of children. Most often, such complaints come from mothers with a dynamic and strong nervous system. If the child inherited the father's temperament - phlegmatic, slow (that an adult man takes the character of the foundation), then for the mother of the Sanguine, mobile and fast, it can be a source of constant irritation. Such dynamic mothers tormented to captivate the son-phlegmatic campaign, for a long walk, on a trip - and unsuccessfully. Phlegmatic prefers to read about travel, lying on the sofa, watch cartoons on TV, etc. As a rule, these moms lack patience and understanding to allow the child what he wants, and in the family there are quarrels, mutual discontent.

Among the parents there is another misconception, which prevents the full-fledged educational process: there is an opinion that in the child everything is from nature - and nothing can be done about it. The manifestations of the character in children they are noticed at an early age and are inclined to believe that the features of the personality and the nature of the child are developing in addition to their influence: children allegedly can be lazy, evil, aggressive, offended. Parents support their beliefs with arguments that in the same family there are quite different children: one child is hardworking, sensitive, caring, and the other is the full opposite to him. In such an argument, a very serious mistake is hidden. Despite the fact that children grow in one family, but the attitude towards them and the position of adults can be different. For example, one brought up a grandmother, and the other is a mother, the first was the idol family, and the other parents brought up themselves, already being more mature and adults. Or, on the contrary, the eldest worried the younger and cared for him, and he was poured.

The character of the child, indeed, it is very early, and its development is determined by the attitude of the parents to the child, and the peculiarities of their own personality, and intrasday relationships. The thought of the genetic predestination of the nature of the child is dangerous in that it removes responsibility for education from the parents.

The third group of pedagogical mistakes of parents is the underestimation of their personal example and the unity of the claims in raising the child who have a positive orientation and provide parental support in the formation of positive features and qualities.

As you know, the process of primary socialization of the child begins in the family, and the first people who are borrowed by the experience of social behavior are parents. Imitating them and other adult family members, a child learns to build their relationships not only with relatives, but also with those who are outside the family group, transferring those rules and norms to communicate with them that were learned in the parent house. Therefore, it is very important what an example of behavior demonstrated parents to their children. As M. I. Buyanov notes on this occasion, "... if the boy imites the drunkard and the fishing father, if the girl imitates the behavior of the capricious, squirrel and coarse mother, if the child takes an example from cynical, cruel and evil people, except anything but Harm, can it bring? The overwhelming majority of people with asocial behavior became such because they have chosen for themselves (or simply surrounded) are not the objects for imitation. "

Parents often underestimate this aspect of educational influence and demand from children of what they do not. As a result of such a "pedagogical" impact, a child appears a protest and a sense of disrespect for parents.

Usually, heavy, the intense situation in the family creates the inability of parents to "divide" his own child, inability to make requirements and find unity in the approach to its upbringing. The vital significance of the requirements is to encourage the child to good actions and at the same time to slow down the manifestation of negative features and actions. There are two groups of requirements: straight and indirect. Direct - requirement-order, demand-threat, requirement-prohibition - is designed mainly to subordinate children to parents. These requirements often sound like a team, shock and cause protest and internal resistance to children.

Those parents who understand the requirement as a means of pressure on the child in order to achieve unquestioned obedience are deeply mistaken. Cruel demanding, devoid of respect for the identity of the child, turns into coercion, rolls its activity and independence. Application of direct requirements pays the danger of personality suppression.

Often, the Father and Mother easier to force the child to fulfill this or that requirement than to cause his desire to do the right thing. Such parents believe that in order to achieve an educational goal, all means are good, forgetting that the essence of the upbringing is not to encourage, but to encourage the child to consciously act as appropriate.

Therefore, in the process of upbringing, it is more expedient to use indirect requirements in which the volitional pressure and coercion is not felt. Thanks to indirect requirements, confidence relations are established in the family, children do not have a painful consciousness that they are brought up. Indirect requirements have a charge of stimulating impact, they are designed for a positive start in the child's spiritual world. Requirement-advice, request, request, requirement, requirement-hint, requirement-approval based on the use of reasonable arguments and on faith in its strength and opportunities, therefore, with the help of indirect requirements, it is possible to achieve not blind obedience, but a conscious obedience.

Observations show that parents use certain forms of requirements depending on their pedagogical competence. The most knowledgeable in this area, as a rule, prefer indirect requirements. In some families, sometimes abuse orders and prohibitions (do not touch, do not buach, do not take, do not cover, do not include, etc.), do not allow a birthday to a friend, in winter on a rink, in the summer to the tour, fearing the bad effect of peers in the summer . And at the same time, parents do not lead a single convincing argument. "We are your parents, and parents are always right," here is the main refusal argument. Such an appeal not only offends, but also humiliates the personality of the teenager. It is impossible to raise a worthy person, humiliating his dignity and infringement of his right. Unguinbates of parents can cause opposition expressed in a passing, often coarse form.

In order for teenagers to perform everyday requirements (do not bother to someone who rests or works, remove the bed, etc.), there is no need to resort to tough orders. It is enough to maintain useful traditions in the family, order, respect for each other. Everyone must know their permanent duties and fulfill them.

The low performance of direct requirements is explained, it is obvious that they assume in a teenager, as it were, the face of malicious, consciously violating generally accepted norms and rules of behavior. If parents are too fond of such requirements, their children often experience negative emotions. Accumulating, these emotions form congestion foci of excitement, create a conflict situation. A teenager becomes aggressive, openly resists dictate.

Parents need to be able to use all types of requirements. To overcome, for example, disobedience, it is necessary, first of all, to change the approach to the son or daughter, since the child in transition needs sensitivity and goodwill. Along with the change in the approach, it is necessary to make requirements for the tone that does not allow any objections. It is useful to ensure that there is a calm self-confidence and at the same time faith in the power of a teenager. The guys should not be any doubt in the right of adults to make requirements. Respectful appeal to the adolescent facilitates and presenting the requirements for it, and their execution.

The selection of the requirement depends on the nature of the specific situation, the ability of parents to navigate and the ability to reasonably act in various circumstances. If the situation is extremely tense, then the father or mother begins to make a compromise to overcome the conflict. Pedagogically competent parents are taking all measures to prevent conflict in a relationship with a teenager. If, in the state of anger and passability, the adult made rudeness, then he should be the first to look for a way out of a conflict situation.

In addition to the complexity of the situation, it is always necessary to take into account the features. The wounded of his psyche, the more delicate the form of the requirement. The older the teenager, the more often the requirements should be applied in such, for example, form: "Let's think together, we will advise you how to do it better." All adolescents like when they are advised and talking to them, as with adults, when they are appreciated, they are considered with their opinion, with their human "I".

Despite the fact that the requirements are different, the general features are inherent to all. First, fulfillment of the requirements. If children are aware of this, then in the family the authority of adults is high and unshakable. Teenagers regard the demands of the Father and Mother as a norm of behavior and guide to action.

Secondly, responsibility for fulfilling the requirements. It is a sense of responsibility characterizes the attitude of a teenager to parental requirements, and hence the parents themselves. It is important to inspire adolescents that the timely fulfillment of requirements contributes to the development of will.

To bring up - it means, first of all, to increase the personal responsibility of educated for the entrusted matter. But the essence of responsibility is not only that the teenager understands his duty, but also that he shows a personal initiative, activity in its implementation. Such responsibility is inextricably linked with a conscience that encourages to diligently fulfill the requirements of the elders.

Many parents understand the need to demand a teenager. But all the requirement is effective? What conditions contribute to improving parental performance?

To positively influence adolescents, keep their respect for yourself, it is necessary to master the methodology for presenting requirements. This technique includes:
- knowledge of the scope of requirements (which require);
- applying a variety of forms of requirements, taking into account the personality of a teenager and a concrete situation;
- the creation of favorable pedagogical conditions under which the requirement can be performed.

The practice of family education shows that the effectiveness of the fulfillment of the requirements depends, firstly, from their justice. If parents are sometimes resolved, but always fair, children forgive them sharpness and obey their requirements. Children, like adults, are sensitive to justice, highly appreciate it, and injustice condemn.

Secondly, the effectiveness of the fulfillment of requirements depends on their focus. Before making a note, require something, it is useful to think: "What will it give? What can it be achieved? " It is known that the noble goal requires noble funds to achieve it. Educational methods and tools successfully achieve the goals when they strengthen the feeling of their own dignity of the person, and not humiliate it.

Thirdly, the performance of the fulfillment of requirements depends on the unity and sequence of parental actions. If the fair requirements and comments of the Father meet the support of the mother, then favorable prerequisites for education are created. Conversely, the inconsistency of the actions of the parents undermines their prestige, teaching the child to adapt to the opposite requirements. For example, in some families between parents there are disagreements in the understanding of the proper and permissible: the mother believes that the child may not go to school, having affected the patient ("the child is not tired"), and for the Father is a violation of a stereotype, a disorganizing child, and to The same is a taller lie. And if parents discuss their positions in a child, it devalues \u200b\u200bthe opinion of that of them for him, on whose side is unconditional right.

Sometimes disagreements between parents arise when choosing a punishment for the misconduct of the child: one requires strict or cruel punishment, another offers a softer or no offensive for him, forgetting that it should be primarily fair.

When a collision with individual features of child development, which cause bewilderment of parents and serve as a source of contradictory judgments about the nature of children, mother and fathers behave in different ways. Fathers, more severe and cruel by nature, difficulties in relationships with children tend to explain to them with sneakers and bravery. Seeing the exit in the Spartan approach to upbringing, they often see the effect of punishments, including physical. No matter how paradoxically, the father's funds of "power education" really give a certain result - obedience to the child, which serves for fathers confirmation of the loyalty of their line. They are usually difficult to convince the undesirability of such impact methods, because the effect then on the face, what to reason? However, obedience, which parents were so sought through punishment, is only an external, obedience because of fear that does not contribute to the ripening personality, the development of its initiative and creative rise. Therefore, having punished children, parents, firstly, should be one in a lawsuit of an adequate way out of the difficult situation. Secondly, the child should feel that whatever his misconduct, he will not lose the love of parents under any circumstances, and the punishment does not apply to the whole of his personality, but only to a specific action (in this case to the offense). Thirdly, educational methods and funds should not humiliate the feeling of their own dignity of the child, combine the reasonable demands with the tactful form of its presentation. Only under these conditions, parents will be able to maintain their authority in the eyes of children, and the justice and consistency of the requirements for them will be regarded as a norm of behavior and manual for action.

In the upbringing, you need a single reasonable and pedagogically justified line of action. A leading role should be entrusted to someone who has more solid pedagogical experience and educational authority. If the methods of intimidation sometimes help in the upbringing of a younger student, then for the influence of a teenager, other means are needed and, first of all, culture, special knowledge, not overwhelming, and convincing demanding, based on pedagogical tact, heartiness and respect for personality. The combination of demanding with the clock is the most important condition for the effectiveness of parental requirements. Tact is the most effective way of influencing the consciousness, feelings and will of the teenager without risk to drop your authority. It is characterized by naturalness and simplicity in circulation, the sincerity of the tone, trust without connivance, the requirement without pickiness, please without being staring. Tactful attitude suggests:
- respect for the identity of a teenager and a reasonable decisiveness to his teaching, work and behavior;
- the close attention of the elders to the mental state of the teenager and the sequence of requirements for it when performing orders;
- the relationship and reasonable use of various means and techniques of educational impact: approval, promotion, strict requirements, beliefs, prevention, suggestion, condemnation, fair punishment;
- trust in combination with systematic, but not an annoying control that prompted the teenager to self-control;
- A combination of calm confidence with the benevolence of communication, helping to lend the necessary and important in the requirements of the elders.

Naturally, we allocated only a minor part of the difficulties faced by parents and the mistakes they allow in their educational practice. Nevertheless, we hope that the knowledge of even these typical peculiarities of family education will help them avoid many misunderstandings in relationships with their own children.

The psychology of family education has put forward an idea of \u200b\u200ban optimal parent position. The position of parents in raising children is optimal if:
- They take a child, they treat him heat, objectively assess it and based on this assessment build up;
- they are able to change the methods and forms of impact in accordance with the change in the circumstances of the child's life;
- Their educational efforts are focused on the future and relate to the requirements that his further life puts his child.

The optimal parental position is aimed at the benefit of the child. It involves the critical attitude of the parents to their mistakes and a reasonable manifestation of their love for children. Parents must be remembered that the child is harmful both excessive severity of upbringing and complete permissiveness and impunity. The child should not feel the difference in the pedagogical positions of the parents, otherwise it will simply disoriented (which can and what can not) or will begin to abuse them disagree. In addition, parents should be remembered that their pedagogical mistakes to correct is much more difficult than to detect or prevent, because the pedagogical miscalculations of family education most often have a protracted chronic character.

To human relationships, including family, as well as to the coloring feelings, requires constant attention and considerable "labor of the soul" for their timely recovery, otherwise I once broke out of the hostility, hostility, conflict energized the warmth of the kindred relations, become irreversible And create an atmosphere unbearable in the house. The main indicators of this are all kinds of deviations in the behavior of the child.

In psychological and pedagogical literature allocate various types of families (see diagram 74)

Scheme 74.

Teachers adopted the division of families for prosperous and unfavorable. Well-being or disadvantaged families are usually determined by personal data: whether parents are their education, where they work, what is the financial situation of the family, etc. In this case, "well-being" can wear only visible, and in fact the family can be controversial (pseudo-abusive). Unfavorable is considered to be those families in which are found defects of Education (manifests itself in a mental illness, emotional tension of the child, etc.).

Features rural family - the dimension of her life, the subordination to the rhythms of nature; hard conditions of agricultural labor in home and utility farm; Durable related links, connections with neighbors, social control over the life of the family. Researchers (A.V. Mudrick and others) came to the conclusion that in the socialization of the younger generation, rural family plays a big role than urban. City family Not uniform (number of inhabitants, ethnic structure, geographical location of the city, public employment, etc.). In small cities, the way of family life is close to rural. In a large and middle city, the nature of the communication of the young and adult generation changes. The socialization of the personality has great impact of the environment (school, production, university, cultural centers, etc.), a wide range of communication.

The most common in modern conditions is nuclear familyconsisting of a husband, wives and one or two children. The functions of education and teaching children such a family usually shares with other institutions of education (kindergarten, school, etc.). In such a family, as a rule, the wife is also busy in production, and therefore economic problems take on equally all family members.

Young family– this is a married couple with children or without them. Take spouses at the same time not more than 30 years. Many of young families live with their parents.

Incomplete family - Family with one parent is also a fairly common phenomenon. Such a family is the result of divorce, death or long lack of one of the parents, as well as a civil marriage (the child is born out of marriage). The number of minor moms is growing. Such families usually need special social protection and assistance of the state.

23Practically in the family of any type may have errors in raising children. In family pedagogy, following a children's psychiatrist M.I. Buyanov allocate several types of incorrect education in the family(see Table 23) .

…Every family invents

educational "bicycles",

repeating the same errors that

i made other parents before it.

M. Pankratova

a gap of neighborhood, and in some cases and related links;

all great inclusiveness of a woman in production activities and its double load - at work and in the family;

a shortage of time for upbringing and intrasday communication;

housing and material difficulties - all this to some extent determines the difficulties in the implementation of its educational functions.

However, with all the significance of the listed factors, they do not play a decisive role in the emergence of deviations in the development of the child's personality, alienation of parents and children. The greatest danger in this regard is those errors that are voluntarily or involuntarily allowed by parents in building relationships with their own children who are forgetting that these relationships are always educational.

When analyzing the parental attitude towards children psychologists stand outtwo psychological measurements : the form of control over the behavior of the child and the nature of the emotional attitude towards it . 

There are several relatively autonomous psychological mechanisms, through which parents affect their children. Firstly, reinforcement:encouraging the behavior that adults are considered correct, and punishing the violation of the established rules, parents are introduced into the child's consciousness a certain system of norms, the observance of which gradually becomes a habit and internal need for a child. Secondly, identification:the child imites parents, focuses on their example, tries to become the same as they. Thirdly, understanding:knowing the inner world of the child and often responding to his problems, the parents thus form his self-consciousness and communicative qualities.

parent always explains the motives of his requirements and encourages their discussion with the child (it is especially important to do in adolescent and older school age);

power is used only in the measure of necessity;

the child is valued both obedience and independence;

the parent establishes the rules and firmly conducts them in life, but at the same time does not consider himself infallible;

he listens to the opinions of the child, but does not proceed only from his desires.

The extreme types of relationships, anyway, whether they go toward authoritarianism or liberal freeness, give bad results. Authoritarian style causes children alienation from parents, feeling of their insignificance and unwaniness in the family. Parental requirements, if they seem unfounded, cause either protest and aggression, or familiar apathy and passivity. The inflection towards absolmpability causes a feeling that the parents do not have before him. In addition, passive, disinterested parents cannot be the subject of imitation and identification, and other influences - schools, peers, mass communication products - often cannot fill this gap, leaving a child without proper leadership and orientation in a complex and changing world. Weakening the parent start, like its hypertrophy, contributes to the formation of a person with a weak me

As noted in previous sections of work, children can become an adult rivalry arena, a means of influence or pressure, a way to punish or revenge. Negative emotions experienced to other family members can be transferred to children - to the spouse, his parents. In addition, parents can be emotionally or morally not prepared for the fulfillment of parental functions. They may have no parental motivation, a sense of responsibility for raising a child may not be developed, or, on the contrary, hypertrophy; They may experience a deficit of respect for themselves and, as a result, not to feel entitled to control the child and direct its development.

Problems arising in the family education process may be due to a number of other reasons. However, this does not exclude, but only confirms how diverse the identity of the child's personality in the family is and complex, and how important it is to represent those difficulties that each parent may be faced in order to avoid their errors in this important.

In this regard, it makes sense to separately dwell on the characteristics of typical style of the upbringing agents most common in disadvantaged families.

Taking into account quite a large number of reasons for the functional failure of the family, there are very diverse approaches to the typology and classification of such families. Families with direct preoccupus demonstrate asocial behavior and antisocial orientations, which, thus, the asociation institutions. These families include criminal - immoral families in which criminal risk factors prevail; And immoral - asocial families, which are characterized by antisocial settings and orientations.

Families with indirect preoccroom influence have difficulty social and psychological, psychological - pedagogical nature, expressed in violations of marital and child-parent relations. These are the so-called conflict and pedagogically insolvent families, which are more often due to mental reasons lose their influence on children.

The greatest danger of its negative impact on children is criminal - immoral families. The life of children in such families due to ill-treatment, drunken debaches, sexual disabilities of parents, the lack of elementary care for the content of children is often under threat - this is the so-called social orphans, the upbringing of which should be entrusted to the public-public care of insolvent families, who do not cope with the upbringing of their children .. otherwise, these children are waiting for vagrancy, shoots from home, full social vulnerability both from ill-treatment in the family and from the criminal influence of criminal formations.

In practice, pedagogy, insolvent families are most difficult to identify the causes and adverse conditions that have a negative impact on children. To reveal the adverse factors of family education in such a family, it is necessary to have a long and close acquaintance, the establishment of a psychologist's trust relationship with children and parents.

It is possible to highlight, based on long observations, the most typical incorrectly established educational styles in functionally

1. Configuration - indulgent style - this is when the parents do not give the meanings to the actions of their children, they do not see anything terrible in them, believe that "all children are" or reason: "We ourselves". A psychologist in such cases is difficult to change the complacent, compelling mood of such parents, to make them respond to the problem points of their children.

The position of the circular defense, which can occupy a certain part of the parents, building their relations with others on the principle "Our child is always right," such parents are very aggressive to all who indicate the wrong behavior of their children. Even the commitment of the son or the daughter of a hard crime does not sober up and mums. They continue to look for those perpetrators on the side.

Children in such families suffer from particularly heavy defects of moral consciousness, they are false and cruel, and very difficult to upbringing.

2. Demonstrative style is when parents, most often a mother, not embarrassed, everyone complains about her child, talks about his misconduct, clearly exaggerating their degree of danger; He declares that the son grows by the "bandit". Such behavior of parents leads to a loss of a child of smallestness, the feelings of repentance for their misconduct, removes internal control over their behavior, occurs in relation to parents and to all adults.

3. Pedantically - suspicious style - parents do not believe, do not trust their children, expose them offensive totalitarian control, try to fully isolate them from peers, friends. Parents seek to absolutely control the free time of the child, the circle of his interests, classes, etc.

4. Hard - authoritarian style - parents who prefer all types of influence orders and violence, inevitably face the resistance of the education facility - a child who is responsible for pressure, coercion, threats and other cruel measures of exposure to their controllers: hypocrisy, deception, outbreaks, and Sometimes frank hatred.

But even if the resistance is broken, the victory turns out to be a pyrous victory. Together with broken persistence, many other valuable qualities of personality are broken and extractable: independence, self-esteem, initiative, faith in itself and in their own opportunities. The coaldable authoritarianity of the parents, ignoring the interests and opinions of the child, deprivation of his right to vote in solving issues to it relating - all this is a guarantee of the catastrophic failure of the formation of his personality.

To such a style of relations, the father is more inclined, who seeks to beat the child to anyone, believes that there is only one effective educational principle - physical disgrace. In such families, children usually grow aggressive, cruel, and these children always strive to offend the weak defenseless.

5. Extensive style - as opposed to severely authoritarian style, - With this style, parents show complete helplessness towards their children, prefer to admonish, endlessly persuade, not to use any strong-willed influences and punishments; Children in such families what is called "sit on the head". Little despot, accustomed to not meet any resistance to his dictate in the family, abroad, as a rule, does not have any privileges and must adapt and catch. This leads to a kind of split personality. It gets along cruelty to one and imprisonment in front of others, rudeness and cowardice, sassay and humiliation. How easily such a person becomes a hypocrite and a traitor - he regrets only himself and only loves himself! No, it's hard to say that worse: "Despotism from above or despotism from below, - both worse!" (A. V. Petrovsky, 1983).

6. Retained - indifferent style - arises, as a rule, where parents, in particular, the mother is absorbed by the device of their personal life, coming out the second time married does not find time or mental forces from the first marriage. Children are provided by themselves and feel unnecessary, they strive to be less than being at home, with pain perceive the indifferent attitude of the mother. Children in such families with gratitude perceive interested, good attitude from another adult, they are able to attach to him and can become loyal assistants in educational work or in criminal activity ("Tell me who your friend and I will tell you who").

7. The style of education according to the type of "idol family" (prototype of the exchanging style) - often manifests itself in relation to "late children" in non-young parents or a single woman. In such cases, the child is ready to pray, all of his whims are performed. At this, due to excessive care, a child is formed by egocentrism, egoism, the victims of which are the parents themselves. Pretty "Mamienecks of Sons" grow. But here is an interesting circumstance. According to psychological observations, it is this category of adolescents that gives the greatest number of disruptions and "uprisings" in transition. The riot against the affectionate guardianship Pope and Mom in their consequences is not much different from the fight against the parent hard dictate. The protest form can be very different - from cold courtesy, removing to gross, ruthless essay. It even depends on the individual characteristics of the personality of the teenager and the nature of the reaction of parents on the situation.

8. The inconsistent style is when parents, especially the mother, lacking excerpts, self-control, consistent educational tactics in the family; There are sharp emotional differences in relations with children - from punishment and swearing to the dying and caressing manifestations. This style leads to the loss of parental influence on children. Children become uncontrollable, unpredictable, neglecting the opinions of senior and parents. With this style of education in the family, you need patient, solid, consistent work of a psychologist.

The listed styles are far from being exhausted by typical errors of family education and for attentive attention of the psychologist, these errors do not represent difficulties in distinguishing, but it is much more difficult to correct than detect, since the pedagogical miscalculations of family education are more often a tightened chronic character. Especially difficult to correct the cold, alienated, hostile relations of children and parents, which have lost their warmth and mutual understanding.

As you know, the emotional center of the family, asks the tone in family relations, most often the mother and the nature of the relationship between the mother and the child from the first days and months of his life significantly affect and determine the nature and fate of adult children. Especially dangerous authoritarianity, rigidity, excessive dominance of the mother.

English psychologist John Bowlby and French Jean Piaget consider, for example, that if a small child is only for three months to deprive the caresses and tenderness of the mother, then anxiety that arose in this case will leave the child with such changes in the psyche, which may be predetermined by him Asocial behavior in society. There are many examples when a child, deprived of parental affection in childhood, grows with a low self-assessment, becomes aggressive - unfriendly in relation to others. It is in the family from the very first years of life that the child begins to adapt to the Big world, the world of adults and what will be laid in a child from childhood should inevitably manifest themselves in his future life.

Education of a sense of love is an integral part of the education of the future personality. The main tool in this upbringing, in turn, is a sense of parental love.

Identifying yourself with peers with deviating behavior and belonging to such groups

So, the most common negative factors of family education, which should be taken into account in the educational process, should be considered:

* Inadequate effects of material order factors: an excess (or disadvantage) of things, the priority of material well-being above the implementation of the spiritual needs of a growing person, the disharmony of the material needs and opportunities for their satisfaction, spoilness and productivity, immorality and counterpart of the family economy;

* The poorness of the parents, the absence of the desire of the spiritual development of children;

* immorality, the presence of immoral style and tone of the family relationship;

* lack of a normal psychological climate in the family;

* Fanatism in any manifestations;

* Illiteracy in psychological and pedagogical relation (the lack of focusing education, unprincipledness, inconsistency in the application of methods of education, physical punishment, causing severe moral suffering);

* illegal adult behavior.