Influence of family quarrels on the child. How parental quarrels affect the child
Worried when parents argue with each other? Difficult family relationships always negatively affect the child's psyche. This happens because for the child, the mother and father are the only important figures in life, relying on which he lives, feels, develops, and matures. And then, if they lose control over themselves and experience many negative feelings, the child feels that his childish world is crumbling.
If everything is in order in the family, the atmosphere is respectful and friendly - parents love each other, consult, there are laughter, jokes and affection in the house - children grow up happy and confident. A favorable atmosphere for a child - like good and suitable conditions for a plant - staying in it day after day, children get the opportunity to develop in accordance with their characteristics and enjoy every day.
There are no ideal families. Even where parents love each other very much, communicate warmly and confidentially, misunderstandings and misunderstandings occur. Whether they negatively affect the child's psyche depends on the attitude of adults towards each other and towards the unpleasant situation in general.
The belief that in a happy family there are no quarrels and quarrels, and if people quarrel, it is because they hate each other, is fundamentally wrong. The family is a living system consisting of individuals, disputes between which are inevitable. Small conflicts help to clarify the problems of the family, the feelings of its members, and, if the clarification of the relationship is not limited to personal attacks, can lead to constructive solutions to problems, relieve emotional stress, support each other, stabilize and harmonize family relations - in a word, a new level of family development. However, one should learn to distinguish between ordinary, ordinary conflicts in the family and conflict families.
Family conflict- even stormy, with insults and breaking dishes, does not mean a conflict family. Establishing stability in a family is a difficult and continuous process, the result of which is achieved through the joint efforts of all its members. Goodwill and striving for unity are essential.
Conflict-free family: quiet happiness or loneliness together?
A conflict-free family may not be prosperous, since conflicts are not resolved in it, but exist latently, deep inside, and the spouses do not see the point in discussing the problem, in trying to change something. Each of them lives by itself - the so-called "loneliness together" arises. There are no open quarrels and disputes, and outwardly the family gives the impression of being quite prosperous. But chronic misunderstanding and attempts to avoid discussions do not lead to harmonization of family relations.
Families that have lived together for many years are truly conflict-free; families where most of the problems have been resolved, the spouses understand and accept each other, and their family system is resistant to external provoking factors.
What is a "conflict family"?
In conflict families the picture is completely different: in them, conflicts can arise for minor reasons, accompanied by prolonged quarrels, disputes with mutual insults and accusations. This leads to an increase in tension, which can be protracted, chronic. Such collisions do not lead to constructive decisions, since they cause negative emotional experiences of all family members. This conflict is destructive because it leads to the destruction of the relationship.
The real reasons for the contradictions in such families are difficult to find, since they can be squeezed out of consciousness, hidden behind a reliable psychological defense, masked by the acuteness of emotional experiences. Conflicts overlap each other, since their true causes are not recognized, discussed and not eliminated, but lead to growing disagreements, increasing hostility and alienation. An image of a conflict family is being formed, where common interests are relegated to the background, constant quarrels traumatize the psyche, give rise to resentment, long-term stressful states.
When conflicts arise in the family, children suffer the most. In conflicting families, the influence on children is not manifested directly, as in the cases of families with clearly antisocial behavior (alcoholics, drug addicts, etc.), but indirectly. This influence inevitably affects the personality of the child. In this situation, there are three possible scenarios for the development of events:
- The kid becomes a witness of parental quarrels, scandals, attacks on each other.
- A child can become a "lightning rod" - an object of emotional release for both parents.
- The kid can become a tool, a "trump card" in conflict resolution.
A silent witness to parental quarrels
Parents and children are one whole, in which parents are the basis, the basis for the mental development of babies. Often they do not realize the extent of responsibility for the future development of the child's personality, his life attitudes, preferences, habits, and behavior style. They rarely think about how their quarrels will affect the psyche of the baby, which is completely dependent on the parents, the atmosphere in the family and the attitude towards him. The feeling of security experienced by the baby in the family gives rise to him subsequently self-confidence and trust in the world. And stability in adult relationships is becoming one of the necessary conditions for security.
How does parental quarrels affect the child?
The spouses' dissatisfaction with each other and the accumulated irritation, resentment, hostility and even hostility often spill over into the baby. A child who looks like a father in appearance or demeanor can become the object of constant dissatisfaction from the mother, who projects her dissatisfaction with the marriage onto him. She ceases to really perceive the child's behavior, evaluate his individual characteristics, sees only the bad: violation of prohibitions, deliberate behavior, challenge. The semblance of upbringing turns into intolerance, mistrust, negative emotions, or even direct aggression towards him.
Often times, mom and dad also use a different strategy to eliminate mutual grievances. They resort to increased care, attracting the baby to their side, limiting communication with the other parent. Overprotection, permissiveness can be dictated not by concern for him, but by the fear of loneliness, anxiety for their own future, the desire to increase their role and importance in the family. This strategy is more typical for mothers. The transfer of the solution of their own problems to the children creates an even more difficult psycho-traumatic situation for the child. Negative emotions towards him, disproportionate demands on his behavior or, on the contrary, full acceptance of all his manifestations do not allow him to really evaluate his behavior and relationships with others. When parents use a baby as a "lightning rod", they make different demands on him, inconsistent in their actions and expressions of emotions. Such a conflict aggravates the feeling of insecurity, unreliability of human relations, leads to doubts about the child's own value and capabilities. To some extent, solving the conflict at the expense of the baby reduces tension in the family, but does not fundamentally solve the problem, while the cost of maintaining a fragile balance between spouses is very high.
A tool for resolving family quarrels
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Another reason for family conflict is the baby himself. The inability to resolve their contradictions pushes parents to encourage or punish the baby for such behavior, which would prove the rightness of the belligerent parties. The child should be good, the way the parents want, but at the same time the ideas - and what, in fact, means to be good - are different for both spouses. A child cannot be himself, live in harmony with his individuality, but must meet the conflicting standards of his parents. In this case, parents can begin to dictate terms. “I don’t love you so naughty,” says mom, and dad says: “A good woman will never grow up to be a real man!”.
Both statements contain rejection of the child, his censure, but the requirements for his behavior are different. Behind this contradiction may lie the wife's rejection of her husband's peremptory nature, his harshness, stinginess, rare manifestations of feelings, and the father's discontent with his wife, who considers her ideas to be the only true ones, does not tolerate objections, does not understand the peculiarities of male behavior. Instead of trying to reach mutual understanding or mutual acceptance, the parents resolve their conflict at the expense of the child.
Often, parents tear the baby apart not only with their demands, but also with questions such as: "Whom do you love more - me or dad?" or urge him to take the side of one of the parents in a quarrel. The child loves both parents, but he cannot openly express his feelings, therefore, he begins to be hypocritical, to provide assistance to one or the other parent and at the same time learns to benefit from this situation. To get the baby's support, parents are ready to act by any means - affection, excessive frankness, gifts, promises. They hope that the grown-up child will understand everything, evaluate correctly and judge them. However, often such a baby will later lose clear guidelines, and he will have the idea that it is normal and worthy to derive his benefit from any situation. At the same time, the child cannot change anything - he is forced to live in this contradictory environment.
Ongoing parental conflict transferred to a child can lead to emotional distress in the form of anxiety, low mood, sleep and appetite disturbances. The kid can somehow react to the attitude of the parents towards him - disobedience, protest, aggression - while he cannot react to the relationship between the parents.
Thus, with any unfavorable type of family conflicts, the child develops intrapersonal conflicts: emotional instability, self-doubt, anxiety, isolation, alienation. Moreover, the child can assimilate the scenario of conflict behavior as the only possible way to resolve problems. This scenario can be reproduced in his future family relationships and in relationships with other people, which causes difficulties in his future social life.
Is it possible to avoid conflicts in the family?
No matter how wonderful and friendly the family is, it is unlikely to avoid conflicts. Disagreements in any family are inevitable, since a family is a complex system of relationships between different people with their views, values, habits, characters and personal characteristics. The main thing is not to avoid quarrels, but to learn how to resolve them constructively. There are various options for resolving conflicts, but the most acceptable way, and also the most suitable for everyone, is an open search for a compromise. Instead of asking: "Who is to blame?", It is better to ask: "How should we be?" remembering that a dispute or even a quarrel always has one goal - to achieve unity of views in solving a problem. In any case, it is necessary to use all methods and methods for an open discussion of the problem and its solution.
Famous American psychologists Ian Gottlieb and Catherine Colby formulated a number of tips to prevent destructive quarrels between spouses:
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In any quarrel, parents must restrain themselves, since marital conflicts cause the most harm to children. If a quarrel arose in the presence of children, it should be ended positively, so that the children see that you are reconciled, your union is restored, they are not in danger. After a quarrel, it is very important to caress each other, maybe kiss, - it all depends on how it is customary in your family to show your feelings.
They say that families in which no one ever quarrels exist in reality. Perhaps it is, but still, most normal people sometimes get offended, from time to time show dissatisfaction and feel a desire to prove their case. Conflicts between spouses happen, and that's okay too. It is only important to learn how to quarrel so that no one suffers from it.
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Why quarreling in front of children is not good
“Until I was 12, our family's life was like hell. Mom and Dad endlessly sorted out the relationship: at first they talked to each other in a raised voice behind a closed door, then Dad was silent for a long time and tensely, Mom walked with tear-stained eyes - and so again and again, in a circle. It was uncomfortable, hard to be at home. For some reason, I constantly felt my guilt, and to this day this feeling visits me in even inappropriate situations. And although my parents hardly scolded me, I grew up to be a very insecure person. When I was 12 years old, mom and dad divorced. To be honest, I was relieved ”(Marina, 42 years old).
Psychologists say that the feeling of safety and security in one's own family is the most important condition for the harmonious development of a child. Therefore, the relationship between the two closest and beloved people - mom and dad - are of great importance to him. If the parents are happy with life and love each other, the baby grows up with confidence in the world in which good triumphs over evil, with faith in himself, in friendship and in love. When they quarrel in front of the child, he feels a threat hanging over the well-being of the family. And if this happens regularly, his faith in the benevolence of the world collapses, which gives rise to numerous psychological problems.
What are the dangers of parental fights?
- They cause nervousness in the child, which can manifest itself in aggravated suspiciousness and anxiety, whims, sleep disturbances, and a decrease in academic performance.
- May lead to the formation of a hysterical character in a child.
- They diminish parental authority, which means they increase the risk of disobedience and uncontrolled behavior in a child.
- "Ugly" manifestations of quarrels contribute to the fact that the child learns distorted rules of behavior.
- The child learns moral norms and values worse.
- Frequent quarrels disappoint the child in human relationships.
- The child may not develop a sense of goodwill towards people.
- The child may not have an idea of the positive experience of family relationships.
- Depending on the proximity to one of the parents, the child may develop a negative attitude towards one or another sex.
Is a thin world better?
“I had a very happy childhood: a close-knit family, daily joint dinners, family traditions, kayaking trips ... But this was until a certain moment, when I was 8 years old - my parents suddenly announced that they were divorcing. It was a bolt from the blue! To say that I was in shock is to say nothing. A month after their divorce, I became seriously ill ”(Vitaly, 37 years old).
There are married couples who, not wanting to injure the child's psyche, in every possible way avoid a showdown. But if at the same time they keep silent about problems and quietly accumulate grievances in themselves, this is also an extreme. First, most children still feel that something bad is happening between their parents, threatening the family. And secondly, if from children it is possible to hide a serious discord in a relationship, then sooner or later they will experience bitter disappointment.
Guian Bolisay / Flickr / CC-BY-SA-2.0
Of course, this does not mean that you need to "let off steam" at every opportunity, not paying attention to the presence of a child nearby. But maintaining an illusory world for his sake also does not always make sense: falsehood is not the best assistant in upbringing.
We are looking for a middle ground
We are all human, and even if we really want to become perfect, it is unlikely that we will succeed. Frictions and disagreements between loved ones are almost inevitable, but it is very important to resolve them constructively - fruitfully, without mutual reproaches and offenses. It is this approach that will teach the child to get out of conflicts correctly, which means it will make him stronger.
Of course, if disagreements with the other half overtake you almost every day, or one of you has a habit of swearing in the heat of the moment with bad words and throwing objects, then it is better to sort things out one-on-one - such situations will greatly traumatize the child. But if the conflict is inevitable and ripe in the presence of your son or daughter, then it is extremely important to follow the rules for constructive resolution:
- if you are emotional and prone to anger, try to restrain the first outburst of emotions (for example, catch the first signal of growing indignation and think: “What will happen if I succumb?”);
- remember that the conflict should be controlled, which means, keep your behavior under control;
- speak more quietly if you want to be heard;
- do not sarcastically, do not mimic and do not find fault with words;
- Express your claims in the form of self-messages (“I was upset because my plans collapsed” instead of “Because of you, we are not going anywhere today”);
- criticize an act, not a person; do not remember past grievances and do not rush with phrases "you always", "you never", "it is in your spirit", etc.
- involve in the conflict, trying to win him over to your side, or in other ways;
- discuss aloud the shortcomings of grandparents;
- insult each other, assault, slam doors, smash dishes;
- without an urgent need to pack your bags and go to your mother or girlfriend, threaten with divorce;
- cry in front of a child;
- withdrawing into oneself, emotionally withdrawing from the child during and after a quarrel.
Frequent parenting scandals can develop in a child a sense of insecurity, insecurity and even distrust of the world.
In this case, we are talking not only about conflicts over drunkenness or beatings, but also about ordinary showdowns, sometimes in a raised voice and which occur in almost every family.
You can often hear from parents: "The child is still small and does not understand anything." Is it so?
Psychologist Elena Krivoshta helped to understand this difficult issue.
Why are family scandals dangerous for a child? Perhaps there are some examples.
The parents' family conflicts have always had and will have a great impact on the child's psyche. It is very important to take into account the age characteristics of children, and the perception of situations that unambiguously traumatize them. Children who grow up in families where conflicts between parents are resolved in their presence may experience:
Parental scandals can develop increased anxiety in the child, which will be superimposed on school performance;
Sleep disorders, including urinary and fecal incontinence (as a protest);
Parents' scandals lead to a lack of a sense of security, which will constantly find a response in social contacts, the child will either act out the negative experience on weaker children, or will himself be subjected to pressure from stronger children;
A child may strive to go outside so as not to see how one of the parents humiliates the other. Thus, a tendency towards vagrancy may appear;
When there is a scandal between parents, then children, especially boys, may feel guilty if dad hits mom or insults her. In this case, the feeling of guilt accumulates to such an extent that the child then experiences severe bouts of aggression. And since he cannot address them to his father (he feels weak, or is scared to resist), the aggression can get out of control and spill over on his peers (there are cases when a child beat another child until he lost consciousness);
In the future, girls may not be aware of the desire to “measure their strength” with their spouse and seek to suppress it in order to avenge their father for their mother in this way. Often spouses quarrel a lot, and after a while they cannot even remember the reasons for these quarrels. Here we are talking about the fact that childhood experience does not go away, it is superimposed on our adult life;
If a girl in childhood often witnessed strong conflicts between her parents, with beatings and humiliation from her father in relation to her mother, then subconsciously or consciously she will strive to be alone, without a partner. That is, she can be lonely.
If a boy often observed that his father offends his mother and did not agree with him, felt sorry for his mother and sympathized with her, this does not mean that he will be patient and affectionate with his wife. Very often, young people from such families continue the line of behavior of their father in relation to their spouse. And at the same time they remember how painful it was, how it seemed unfair, and out of guilt they can drink.
There are many more different ways when our childhood negative experience is embodied in some altered form by us in adult life, and often these are sad stories in which parenting continues. We copy the experience of our parents, although we suffered from it in childhood.
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Can scandals to a parentnd serve as a basis for the development of psychological pathologies in a child?
Yes and no. Here we can talk about both negative influence (when the child sees the relationship between the parents and in the future will build his relationship in the same type: with quarrels, beatings, insults ...), and positive, when the child, seeing the relationship between the parents, will strive in his family to other ways of resolving conflict situations (through discussions, consultations with specialists, getting advice from friends ...).
The answer to this question is more in the field of the child's individuality, after all, we are not exact copies of our parents, which means that other ways of implementing behavior are allowed. The fact that such communication between parents is reflected in the child is unambiguous. There are a lot of options for the development of pathologies, but whether they always develop in a child is impossible to say for sure. One child reacts to these parental scandals, another fences off and finds himself with his peers, the third receives support from his grandmother, the fourth has gone into reading books with his head ... An important factor is the amplitude of disagreements in the family. In one family, conflicts are at the level of words, in another it is insults, in the third it is beatings and humiliation, in the fourth it is binges and fights. Here we can say that when negative factors in a large number or sufficient for a given child converge to one point, then we can observe the development of psychopathologies in the child. For example, the formation of such character traits as depression, negativism, irony, sarcasm, pessimistic perception of the world, distrust of the opposite sex on the verge of pathology, and more.
Is the child's consciousness "encoded" in the future to behave the way his parents behave? Namely: to solve all problems through scandals and a showdown.
Very often yes. Children, like a sponge, absorb through their parents the experience associated with behavior in specific situations, attitudes towards people, values, rules, morals and norms of the society in which his family lives. It is the parents who are the first to show how and what to do. Through their experiences, they educate the child and shape his personality. If parents teach a child not to cheat, while they themselves often cheat, then such a child will know that cheating is normal, because his parents taught this through their behavior.
It should also be remembered that our DNA is largely composed of the experience of our ancestors, therefore children are strongly influenced by their parents as an external factor, where a form of behavior is demonstrated and an internal factor, where behavior and reactions encoded in DNA are dictated. Therefore, it is important to protect the child from unnecessarily negative information, not to overload his psyche, to strive to create conditions at home so that he feels protected and loved.
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How to teach a parent not to "break down" in the presence of a child?
For parents who want to raise a healthy personality, it is necessary to learn how to communicate with signs and find alternatives so as not to make trouble and defuse the situation not in the presence of a child:
Wave your head - calling to leave;
Say some kind of phrase that will be encoded: for example, instead of: "... shut up, got it!" you can use “don't say a lot”. Sometimes it brings a smile to the spouses, which is already therapeutic;
Postpone the conversation until later when the child is asleep. This often works, because emotions subside until evening, and then a constructive conversation takes place;
It is useful for women to keep a diary of emotions, where you can write down everything you think about your husband or another person, and not carry it in yourself;
One of the options is to buy a pear and when it boils, dump the aggression on it;
If there is an opportunity to go to the gym, then the head rests there.
How to act if you didn't manage to "contain" the quarrel?
But if the issue demanded an urgent solution or emotional release, the spouses could not restrain themselves and the conflict took place, it is worth taking care of the child's feelings and experiences and explaining to him that the parents are arguing over adult issues and that he has nothing to do with it. Perhaps apologize for the kid witnessing their disagreements. If the parents later reconciled, then it is worth demonstrating this to the child so that his inner tension goes away. For example, join hands, or go drinking tea together. At this moment, it is important not to promise that this will not happen again, so that later you do not suffer from remorse. We are all, first of all, people, and therefore emotions are peculiar to us.
Family scandals are a painful and sensitive issue. Parents should not put their ambitions first; they must remember that their unreasonable and rash actions can lead to irreparable consequences for the child. In addition, such a showdown harms not only the child, but also every family member. Why such sacrifices? Everything in this life can be decided, the main thing is to want!
Every family should be emotionally healthy. And if you follow the advice of our psychologist, then you can not only save your children from mental pathologies and other things, but also learn to solve all conflicts correctly, harmoniously and without screaming.
Valeria Leshchenko
“We will not quarrel in front of children” is a great decision of the parents. But sometimes emotions appear suddenly, but there is no way to take the children away from this sight. Looking at children, sometimes it can be concluded that quarrels do not have much of an impact on them. However, it is not. Do you know how your child feels when the relationship between the parents does not work out and they quarrel?
When we are tormented by remorse over violent quarrels in front of a child, we promise ourselves that next time it will be different, but ... nothing changes. What is missing? Perhaps the consciousness of what a child really feels in a house full of squabbles?
“Get out” and “I'm sick of you already!”: How does your child feel when you quarrel?
A quarrel between parents is a huge stress for a child. This is one of the biggest mental burdens for a baby.
Why? Because something terrible is happening in the children's world - people who are his support, authority and greatest love begin to fight with each other. They change their facial expressions, use terrible words, become aggressive or cry. The world is crumbling - this is how it looks in the eyes of a child.
Fear
A child whose parents argue often has intense fear. Sometimes one of the spouses can say: "If this is so, then we can get a divorce!" Of course, in most cases, such a phrase does not mean anything and divorce will not follow. But the child has no idea about this, for him it is a real threat.
Guilt
If the quarrel began with an incident involving the child himself (“I told you not to give him sweets before dinner, and you again for yours!”), The child's guilt reaches its peak. And it doesn't matter that the reason is insignificant, but the quarrel continues for a completely different reason - in the child's opinion, it is he himself who is to blame. And this thought scares him.
Uncertainty
This is especially true in families where fights are frequent. The child does not know when the explosion will occur. When mom suddenly changes and turns into this woman with a distorted face, who makes her go to her room. When dad on the words "Dad ..?" reply with rage: “Well, what do you want ?! I'm not in the mood! "
Helplessness
All the ways a child knows to get the attention of their parents don't work. Smiling, trying to talk, crying - everything will be useless. A child loses his sense of security when something bad happens in front of his eyes.
Panic
After a quarrel, dad leaves the house. After the doors are slammed shut, Mom, having cried in the kitchen, pretends that nothing has happened. A child in such a situation experiences real panic.
Of course, children react to these emotions in very different ways. Some are silent or pretend that they do not hear anything, play in the corner, as if nothing had happened. Others stand and look at their parents, while others begin to cry or scream, trying to restore the old order. They react differently, but they all feel the same.
The psyche of a child after numerous quarrels of parents
Feelings and emotions are one thing, but the long-term effect is quite another. There is no way to ensure that the regular, aggressive screams and quarrels of parents do not affect the child's psyche. This is simply not possible. If you swear often, then your children have witnessed a million such scenes. And sooner or later, parental conflicts will affect children.
What are the consequences of quarrels we can talk about?
To begin with, about the neurotic, which are manifested in physical ailments. A child may begin to experience bouts of nausea, various kinds of tics, he may develop enuresis, he begins to bite his nails, bite his lips - all this is "gifted" to children by parents who often, aggressively and selflessly swear in front of them. And we are not talking about pathological cases when the mother breaks the bottle on the father's head, and he pushes it in response.
All these seemingly not so scary phrases, like “Go to hell!”, “Do you think I can't cope without you? Who needs you! "," I also found the prince! " etc. Such remarks are enough for a child to start waking up in a wet bed at night.
Later, of course, we will get a whole bunch of psychological consequences. An obvious consequence of parental quarrels is a child's lack of self-confidence. Aggression towards parents and peers appears - after all, the child must pour out his disappointment, anger and fear somewhere (we do this too!).
Tearfulness, night fears. And in the life of grown-up children, there is a complete inability to solve the conflict constructively and an obsession with their own interests. How much parental quarrels affect children largely depends on how these quarrels look: does the mother cry, how the curses sound, how long the “calm” lasts. However, fights always have a negative and long-term impact on the child.
How to quarrel in front of children?
The most obvious advice is not to quarrel in front of children at all. But it is not always possible to find out the relationship in private. So how to quarrel in front of a child? It's easy - agree on a few important rules:
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1. If possible - go to another room
Even to the toilet if you live in a one-room apartment. But what is especially important is that you, not the child, should go to the other room. Sending a child in a harsh tone to his room (screaming if he starts to protest because, for example, he is watching a cartoon) is a mistake, and it gives the child the feeling that he has done something wrong. It is you who want to quarrel, so you must go out. There is such a rule in the adult world too, right?
2. Without unnecessary emotions and screams
Children are afraid when their parents are screaming. Do not yell, try to speak normally, preferably in a muffled tone.
3. No profanity
No excuses like "I was so upset I couldn't help myself." Remember that swearing and foul language is something terrible for a child.
4. Without acting out on the child
It's not your child's fault, so don't act out on him. A harsh tone directed at a child after an argument with a partner is simply disgusting and unfair.
5. No aggressive movements and threats
Slamming the door, throwing a plate, or banging your fist against the wall is horror for your child.
Try to use arguments during the showdown, instead of constantly recalling past grievances and reproaching what happened many years ago. If the child sees you arguing, let him also see how you regret the quarrel. This, plus an explanation of the current situation, means a lot to the child.