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The family role of children. The role of the child in the life of the family. The importance of home and family in a child's life

The development of children begins with the family. Relatives invest in the personality of the foundations of behavior, spiritual and social norms. The role of the family in raising children is so great that it affects the formation of the personality both positively and negatively. How should family members behave in order to bring up a full-fledged, adequate personality? What are the challenges facing parents?

The role of the family in raising children

Usually family members belong to the same generation, but it happens that many generations of the family live together (grandmother, grandfather, mother, father). A good moment for growth is that the child feels protected and spiritually uplifted by communicating with mom, dad, sisters, brothers, grandmother or grandfather. In such a family, knowledge and readiness to show attention, to rush to help are spontaneously developed. Remember warm evenings with your grandmother, good fairy tales and delicious tea with jam.

This instills concern for loved ones, the value of a family hearth. Grandfather is a symbol of wisdom and courage, he will teach you a craft. A large family provides a great opportunity to receive multifaceted development for boys and girls. Children from such a family grow up to be empathetic, attentive, and independent.

Also, the positive role of the family in the upbringing of the child is played by the personal example of the parents. In order for a son to strive to be strong and do the right thing, it is simply necessary to see such an example in front of him. The daughter will grow up feminine, dignified, loving only if her mother was such.

The main place in the upbringing of a growing person is a spiritual union, an open connection between parents and a baby. There is no way in the world that you should abandon the upbringing of a child to the mercy of fate or leave a teenager by himself.

Each parent sees in the child an extension of himself. Some parents see their baby as an object for the realization of unfulfilled desires, subsequently such a baby becomes part of the parents. Often, we, parents, choose classes at our discretion, according to our interests.

It is not easy to give up the fulfillment of desires. The main task is to make a decision that would satisfy both participants (mom, dad), remember the opinion of the other parent. Another challenge for adults is the alignment of words and deeds. The baby does not understand why smoking is harmful if dad or mom do not hesitate to smoke. It is also important to discuss contradictions without the presence of children. Little listeners easily assimilate information, and also use it to their advantage, usually their choice tends towards laziness, unwillingness to learn, stubbornness.

During the contact between parents and children, the concept of communication is developed:

  • The crumb is perceived as it is;
  • An adult looks at a situation through the eyes of a child;
  • The parent correctly evaluates the situation.

Some parents love their child just like that, not for achievements or good looks, but simply for what he is. This is unconditional love.

It happens that children are loved for their actions, good grades or bright appearance. However, when a student gives a bad grade, he feels that no one is needed, the relationship deteriorates. Then the child does not feel the protection that is so necessary. This kind of love is called conditional.

The worst thing for children is complete indifference. This attitude plays a detrimental role of the family in the upbringing of the child's personality. If the baby was unwanted or serious problems happened, the baby's appearance may not satisfy the desires of the parents, this leads to rejection of the offspring or indifference. Often such an attitude develops subconsciously, i.e. not controlled.

The family lays down the physical development, health of the individual. The role of the family in the upbringing of moral values ​​is also important. The influence of the family on the upbringing of the child is exerted daily by relatives, mental growth depends on the values ​​of the parents, the situation in the family, and cognitive needs.

The role of the family in the upbringing of preschool children

By their nature, children are curious, they constantly ask adults about something, thereby developing their horizons and vocabulary. Preschool children are interested in everything that is unknown or incomprehensible to them. Preschoolers who can read themselves, draw information from literature, epics, nursery rhymes. The role of the family in the upbringing of preschool children is very great, preschoolers need to attend performances, watch educational programs, watch exhibitions, and go to museums. Visiting cultural public places instills the ability to communicate correctly, a passion for art.

Cognitive skills begin to develop earlier than some parents assume:

  • mom's first smile;
  • taking care of the baby;
  • reading fairy tales, rhymes;
  • conversations on the way home and much more.

Everyday activities for adults are of great importance in the upbringing of a preschooler.

An important role in the development of a preschooler is played by
Analyze your attitude towards the child, your communication. If you understand that the actor will not lead to a positive result, try to change the tactics of education. The family upbringing style plays a huge role in the development of the personality.

The role of the family in the spiritual and moral education of preschool children.
Parents are the founders of the birth of a personality, the role of the family in raising a child, promoting his moral level is unconditionally great. Preschool age is very gullible and children absorb information “like a sponge”. Therefore, scientists and educators confirm that these years are very important for laying the moral and ethical foundation. The family represents the first society that has a powerful influence on the formation of a person as a person.

The beginning of moral education is the spirituality of the environment in which the preschooler spends most of his time. Moral education is expressed by politeness, respect for elders, tact.

The traditional roles of parents.

Children need to receive parental love continuously. During difficult situations, the baby needs parental support. The family cannot be replaced with anything. What role do parents play in raising children? Parents are an indicator of the norms of behavior in society, the rules of communication with loved ones, the realization of oneself as a person. Some believe that it is inappropriate to engage in upbringing for up to three years, but it is this period of growth that is fundamental for laying knowledge, skills, values, attitudes towards oneself and others. Mother and father play the main role here.

The role of the mother in the upbringing of the child.

Mom is the only person with whom the children feel completely safe. Only being with your mother can you be yourself and not worry that someone will laugh or hurt you. Being under maternal protection, the baby will cease to be afraid of other people's ridicule and begin to build relationships with society. The main role of the mother in raising the child leads to the fact that she becomes a good example and a faithful friend. The mother should calmly explain to the baby if he did something wrong, physical punishment or an ordering tone is unacceptable. Children need to voice their responsibilities around the house, based on age and physical characteristics. The question is that mom will teach you to do tasks with love, responsibility and pleasure.

A woman needs to share her values, knowledge, views, but not impose. It is important for a daughter or son that his opinion is heard. When there is not one child in the family, but two, three or more, it is more difficult for a mother to distribute her attention to all children equally. It is necessary to take into account the interest of everyone, without depriving the attention of either the elders or the younger, adult children need mother's love no less than others.

Mom is an indicator of what a woman should be in a family: caring, wise, balanced, adequate. The daughter projects the behavior onto herself in the future, and the son projects his wife. Therefore, the mother should watch her actions and words. A word thrown in feelings, an act in a rush is grasped by kids “on the fly”.

Even in adulthood, for advice or a kind word, we go to our mother, because she always listens, caresses, does not judge.

The role of the father in the upbringing of the child.

For absolute harmony in the family, it is necessary that the two parents accept assistance in the development of the children.

Mom is a symbol of warmth, care, tenderness. Dad is a symbol of protection, strength, constancy.

In most families, it is customary to “not touch” the dad after a hard day, but a daughter or son just needs to spend some time with the father. It is enough to ask about the baby's affairs, read a book or play. The role of the father in raising a child is not only financial support. The father should spend the weekend with the family, walk together, go to the cinema, visit.

They say: if a son is born, a man becomes a father, if a daughter is a daddy. So that's for girls dad is a symbol of sustainability, purposefulness. She will look for such a man for herself in the future. Little princesses grow up with a sense of respect for a man, thanks to the correct upbringing of the father, as well as his attitude towards all family members.

Father for boys is a role model. Dads need to watch themselves, their words and actions. On the contrary, boys who grew up without a father have no idea how a man acts in a given situation. A son who grew up in a full-fledged family owns the idea of ​​\ u200b \ u200bthe relationship between a man and a woman; in the future, a picture of a happy relationship has already formed in his head.

Dad introduces stamina, sports, a healthy lifestyle. Physical education develops discipline and organization. The boy's approval is highly appreciated by the boy, so it is worth encouraging his son, rejoicing in his success. The father is the closest friend, you need to take the little man on a fishing trip, on hikes, discuss male issues with him (in accordance with age).

The role of the father in raising children in the family is inextricably linked with the development of a full-fledged personality. If a man does not know how to participate in raising children, the woman directs him:

  • send for walks with children;
  • discuss problems related to the child;
  • do not hesitate to seek help from your husband;
  • ask the husband to solve a specific issue with the child.

Summing up, let's highlight the factors that play a positive role in the upbringing of children:

  • It is necessary to take an active part in the lives of children;
  • Listen to the opinion of the crumbs;
  • Discuss family matters together;
  • Take the baby as it is;
  • Eliminate physical, psychological violence;
  • Let your baby make decisions on his own.

Spend the most of your time with your children, they need to be confident in your support and their importance. Only in this way a confident, full-fledged personality with self-esteem will grow out of a small person.

The role of the child in the family depends on the parents, the basis of their life. Communication with children is often based on the experiences of their parents. Today, three styles of family relations are known - authoritarian, liberal and democratic.

The role of children in the family is determined by the relationship with the parents

Parents do not choose a particular style on purpose, it is created by practicing skills, actions, actions. The role of the child in the family depends on the chosen style of relationship between the child and the parents.

The most abnormal style of communication is authoritarian. This means that all decisions are made by the parents themselves, and the role of the child in the family is to be the child. In many families, the head of the family is the father. Everyone must obey him unconditionally, and fulfill all his requirements. The child is constantly under control, infringing on his freedom of will and choice. Much is prohibited, often severely punished. The child, like a puppet, does everything that is required of him. It is not right. It will be difficult for such a child to adapt in society and make decisions on his own. Parents who bring up their children in this way are flawed themselves. They took this style from their parents. They were bullied in childhood, now they, as if in revenge for their bad childhood, bullied their children. And then such people have to undergo long-term treatment by a psychiatrist.

Liberal family and the role of the child in it

What is the role of a child in a family with a liberal style? This is a complete discrepancy with the authoritarian style, without despotism. Control over the child is completely absent. The child is left to himself. Their actions are not limited in anything and they do not know how to be responsible for them. Permissiveness leads to low self-esteem of the child. Nobody needs him. And such children are looking for love on the side: they replenish the company of drug addicts and thieves. Often these are families of alcoholics and drug addicts, where children are left to their own devices. In the future, they will also be alcoholics and criminals. It rarely happens the other way around.

The role of children in a family of democratic communication style

The most correct communication style is democratic. The child is under control, but without fanaticism. Children with this style of communication develop responsibility for their actions. They develop independence, and in life it will be easier for them to adapt. The opinion of the child in such a family is listened to.

The role of the child in the family rests entirely with the parents. How they will treat him, what methods of upbringing they will use, such a child will grow up. And if you leave him to the mercy of fate and do not study, then such a person will not bring anything good either to the family or to society.

The positive roles, according to which the model of the child's behavior is built in the family, and then outside it, are quite diverse. Among them, the most common are: " family idol "," child prodigy "," mother's (father's, grandmother's ...) treasure "," goody "," family talisman "," sickly child "," family hero " and etc.

It would seem, at first glance, that the positive role that is assigned to the child in the family should contribute to the formation of exceptionally positive personal qualities and socially acceptable forms of behavior in him. And this is really so if parental love, attention and care are manifested within reasonable limits, and their educational work is aimed at creating such a family environment that helps the child to develop a benevolent attitude towards people and towards himself. However, sometimes in families (most often with a latent form of trouble) an internal position arises with a predominant cult of the child, and all affairs and concerns are concentrated around him. This is especially clearly manifested in such a role as “ family idol " .

A child, no matter what he does and no matter how he behaves, evokes the general admiration of his family. Any of his wishes or whims are satisfied immediately. And if one of the family members does not do this, it causes criticism from others. The life of the family is, as it were, entirely devoted to the child, all affairs and concerns are concentrated exclusively around him. At first glance, this may seem like a completely understandable childishness. But constant, often undeserved, praise, parental sacrifices with their own interests, time and material resources, lead to the fact that the child himself begins to perceive himself as the center of the family, early begins to understand how important he is for his parents, how they love him. He simply does not see that there are other people's problems, and does not face the need to reckon with others. In such an atmosphere, he grows up effeminate, capricious, deeply egocentric, because from an early age he gets used to putting his persona in the center of the universe. The position “I am everything, you are nothing” arises and gradually consolidates in him, which manifests itself not only in his relations with family members, but also with peers and other adults. He does not reckon with others, acts contrary to their desires and requirements, believing that everyone will serve him as faithfully as his parents did. In the parental family, the child gets used to delight and admiration, often without any reason for this. He himself is dismissive of others. Naturally, the expectations of such a child regarding universal admiration are not justified, so he first experiences bewilderment, and then intense negative emotions that force him to act aggressively, which further destroys interpersonal ties.



Despite the fact that the cult of the child prevails in the family, in some cases such boundless love for him is not as disinterested as it seems. It is possible that the rivalry of adults is hidden behind his elevation to idols. Each of them - mom, dad, grandmother, etc. - by demonstrating exclusive affection for the child, is trying to assert his leadership in the family. At the same time, the size of everyone's contribution to caring for a child latently turns out to be a kind of trump card in the game of adults.

Another option is also possible: the “idol of the family”, without knowing it, performs the function of a unifying factor that supports the family hearth in conditions of imaginary cooperation of adults. There is no true mutual understanding, readiness for emotional support of each other in the family, but everyone is interested in preserving the appearance of well-being and general admiration for the child has been turned into a symbol of family unity.

Similar in essence and assigned to the child in the family the role of "prodigy" ("Family hopes"). Most often, the emergence of such a role is observed in those families, which are characterized by a changed attitude of the parents themselves to the world around them, a kind of refusal to try to realize themselves in it. Acquaintances, co-workers, friends are perceived by them as alienated, unfriendly. In their work, and in life in general, they do not see anything good, because due to various circumstances they did not manage to achieve what they wanted, to realize their plans and ideas. For this reason, they develop feelings of inferiority and begin to view themselves as failures. Due to this pessimism of life, they withdraw into themselves, limiting their communication only with relatives and the closest people.

For parents in such a life situation, the child becomes a kind of means of maintaining contact with the outside world and at the same time a talisman with which you can realize your hopes and dreams. In the statements of a father or mother, the thought often creeps in that their child will show what I could (could) be if no one interfered with me. The desire, through identification with the child, to compensate for his unmet needs for self-realization is manifested either in the presentation of excessive demands on him (the attitude towards the child is made dependent on his success in any area: prestigious sports, art, etc.), or in the use of him as a means of demonstrating to the outside world his originality, which at one time was not noticed and was not appreciated at its true worth. In other words, the child is, as it were, interwoven by the parents into the scenario of settling scores with the world. Therefore, he is inspired with the idea that he is allowed to do whatever he wants, because he is smarter, better, more worthy of everyone.

With such attitudes, parents put themselves in a secondary position in relation to the child: the child is subconsciously viewed as stronger, since he is "intended" to do what the parents themselves could not do. Such self-deprecation of parents leads to the fact that the child very early begins to feel the parents' insecurity and at the same time their admiration for them. Gradually, he begins to take advantage of his privileged position more and more and often perplexes his parents. Along with open or hidden admiration for the strength, wisdom, and exceptional abilities of the heir, they begin to experience dissatisfaction because of the child's neglect of themselves, ignorance of their interests, sometimes just a "child's dictatorship" that has reigned in the house. Their timid attempts to change anything do not lead to anything, because the child, believing in his exclusivity and in the fact that the world exists only for him, does not want to part with the position of self-exaltation.

Cultivating the role of a “child prodigy” in the family, even if there is every reason for this, leads to inevitable disappointments: any defeat (and every prodigy sooner or later comes to his defeat) can become a tragedy for him.

In such a situation, when the child is very upset by the failure that has befallen him, the parents, greatly concerned about his success, make every effort to ensure that he “does not relax”, but “rallies” and “tries even harder”. Sometimes they say in plain text that he is their “last hope”. Naturally, such an attitude of parents contributes to an increase in mental stress and increases the likelihood of secondary failure. And often it destroys his soul forever. As the Ukrainian psychologist V.V. Klimenko notes in this regard, “... they are capable of winning primacy only in the world in which they have become higher than others. If the world changes, values ​​change, and the achievements of the prodigy, obtained by incredible efforts, may suddenly become useless to anyone, and then all his work, all his struggle, all his life lose their meaning. "*

The "failure" of the child on the path envisaged by the parents reveals the instability of the family structure: the relationship between the spouses deteriorates sharply. And the point is not only that the link between them - “the outstanding abilities of the child” - has disappeared. If earlier the other spouse was subconsciously accused of becoming an obstacle in achieving personal life plans, now this can be joined by conscious and unconscious reproaches for the child's failure. Their connection, based on the realization of their own aspirations through the child, actually turned out to be an illusory facade of family well-being. Instead of looking for ways to help the child and make up for lost time or find new goals and values ​​in life, energy is spent looking for the “culprit,” on fantasizing, as it could be. The energy that could be useful for realizing oneself in the current, real situation is spent on self-flagellation, reproaches to the spouse, a nostalgic, but unpromising desire for past dreams to come true. In such an extremely tense family atmosphere, filled with the ghosts of unfulfilled parental plans, it is equally bad for both adults and children.

No less detrimental to the development of the child's personality is the role of "someone's treasure" ... In its essence, it resembles the role of the "family idol", but in this case the child is not a universal, but someone's personal idol. The imposition of such a role on a child can be due to a number of complex psychological reasons. For example, the dissatisfaction of one of the parents with their marriage begins to manifest itself in the form of excessive love, tenderness and sacrifice in relation to the child. This puts him in an awkward position. On the one hand, the child perfectly feels the special attitude of one of the adults towards him, but on the other hand, he no less acutely perceives the absence of the same attitude on the part of others. In addition, the boy, who is a "mother's treasure", is forced to endure the ridicule of other family members, children and adults like a "mama's son". The girl - "papa's treasure" - can be regarded by others as "papa's daughter". A child who has become a “grandmother's (or grandfather’s) treasure” is sometimes perceived by his parents emotionally alienated: any of his pranks or unsatisfactory behavior are viewed as a negative “grandmother's influence”. In such a situation, it is painful for children to realize that one must behave differently from others.

The role of someone's favorite, imposed on a child, often indicates intense rivalry between adults or the isolation of one of them. Cases of using a pet to form a coalition against another spouse in order to discredit him in the eyes of the child and those around him are quite common. The parent, "united" with the child, acquires an illusory confirmation of his innocence. In addition, the "attachment" of a child to one of the spouses is a strong psychological blow for the other, because the child constantly turns against him, begins to talk about him scornfully with the adult, or (deliberately) demonstrates disobedience. Having become someone's "treasure", it turns into a valuable weapon for family "battles", and its owner is trying by all means to keep his son or daughter on his side.

Such short-sighted behavior of parents not only worsens the psychological climate of the family as a whole, but also seriously affects the child, in his assimilation of social experience of relationships with representatives of the opposite sex. In particular, a girl uniting with her mother against her father, or a boy who teamed up with her father against her mother, assimilate extremely distorted ideas about people of the opposite sex, which can subsequently prevent them from establishing their own personal life. Two options are possible here: either as they grow up, the child will not be in tune with his own gender role, or he will not develop relationships with people of the opposite sex. This distortion of one's psychological role is especially likely in the case of an alliance between mom and son, dad and daughter. As a result, the boy for a long time is unable to master the traditional male role, and the girl the traditional female role (this is how effeminate, weak-willed men and masculine, cynically rational women are often formed).

Adult rivalry usually manifests itself in the traditional question to the child: "Whom do you love more?" While satisfying their vanity and emphasizing their importance in the eyes of others, adults at the same time traumatize and disorient the child, involuntarily instilling in him hypocrisy and resourcefulness.

Ascribing the role of someone's “treasure” to a child sometimes hides the forced psychological isolation of one of the elders. For example, a grandmother, whom her own adult children do not indulge in attention, seeks and finds comfort in her grandchildren, compensating for the lack of emotional warmth to her in the family with this mutual affection.

Relationships in the family develop somewhat differently when the child is imposed the role of "good girl" ... In most cases, a well-mannered, obedient and exemplary child is a subject of parental pride, since it does not cause any particular trouble and grief to anyone, tries to follow the advice of adults in everything, impeccably fulfilling all their orders. It would seem that there are no problems in the family. In fact, an atmosphere of imaginary cooperation is often hidden behind the attempt of adults to make a child perfect. People do not know how and do not consider it necessary to emotionally support each other, to share painful problems and related experiences in the family. Everyone prefers to pretend that there are no misunderstandings, let alone hidden family conflicts. On the external, social level, adults try to play the ostentatious role of exemplary family men; the child is also expected to observe decency. He, in turn, seeks to confirm parental expectations with his exemplary behavior, for which he is rewarded by his elders. No one is particularly trying to penetrate the inner world of the child, to understand his true feelings and experiences. The constant hypocrisy, which he eventually begins to distinguish in the behavior of adults, becomes a kind of norm for his existence not only in childhood, but throughout his entire subsequent life.

It should be noted that very often, imposing on the child the role of "good girl", parents subconsciously indulge their pride, believing in their "pedagogical talent", and oblige the child to maintain family prestige. Sometimes such a burden of the ideal in all respects becomes unbearable for the child, and he begins to "rebel" outside the family, committing illegal acts, which causes sincere bewilderment of his family.

The psychological role of the "good girl" can not but affect the inner self-awareness of the child and on a personal level. If initially every mistake in his behavior is presented to him by his parents, then later he himself begins to blame himself for any, even the slightest, failure in life. In childhood, with his mistakes, he “brings down” the whole family, and as an adult, he sees his own inferiority, failure to confirm his expectations, which makes him excessively vulnerable to difficulties, criticism, and inevitable mistakes. He continues to look at himself not from the standpoint of an independent person, but as if with demanding parental eyes. Thus, a child who is too good is not always evidence of proper parenting and family well-being. Accustomed to living with an eye on the social approval of his parents, he is afraid in his adult life to do something wrong so as not to upset the people around him with his actions. Therefore, he tries not to show initiative, but waits for instructions from others on what to do and how to act in a given situation.

A special case is the role of "family favorite" ("Family mascot"). Often this is the youngest child in a family who is not taken seriously due to his young age. Realizing the profitability of such a position, he uses hyperactive actions, tricks, self-indulgence, trying to attract attention to himself and show that the problem that worries adults so much has disappeared. For the same purpose, he plays the role of a "clown", "jester".

Spoiled by universal attention and forgiveness, the family's favorite is somewhat frivolous about life, and therefore never learns to cope with various stresses. During his school years, he usually has difficulty in studying, and the compulsive need for attention makes interpersonal difficulties difficult. Not having learned to resist life's difficulties, he is looking for ways to resolve them in the use of drugs and alcohol, the dependence on which he develops very quickly.

No less negative consequences on the formation of the personality of a growing up person can have the allotted to him in the family the role of the "sick child" ... Usually this role is attributed to children whose health requires special attention and care. And although a child who has been ill for a long time practically recovers and could well feel equal with other children, someone in the family stubbornly continues to consider him weak, helpless and demand the same attitude from everyone. Behind such a desire to preserve the child's soreness, there may be a certain form of family trouble. In particular, one of the family members is trying to maintain a position of leadership, sacrificing himself to a sick child and thereby proving his need for constant presence with him. The guardian's mission allows for the extension of parental authority over the child himself. In addition, the role of the painful assigned to him can serve as a means of someone's self-affirmation in conditions of psychological isolation. In some cases, adults do not succeed, and sometimes they do not want to break the established stereotype in relationships. Imposing a painful role on a child may be nothing more than a form of imaginary cooperation: disagreements and tension in relations between spouses can recede into the background for a while, because joint concerns about a sick child temporarily force them to forget about their own quarrels, adversities, everything starts to revolve around the health of the baby. This substitution of genuine cooperation can continue until the fears and fears about the condition disappear, i.e. childhood illness only temporarily normalizes family relationships, improves its psychological climate. The desire to extend the moratorium of peaceful coexistence encourages some of the adults to preserve the role of the patient imposed on the child as long as possible.

The role of the painful becomes over time beneficial not only to adults, but also to the child himself. Having become ill, he, along with the unpleasant sensations from the illness, unexpectedly begins to feel something pleasant, disinhibiting for himself: suddenly he is surrounded by attention and care. Both parents do a lot of him, fulfill any of his desires, indulge all the whims. This is how an essentially unpleasant illness becomes conditionally desirable for a child, he experiences its “charms” and finds certain “benefits”. In the future, he unconsciously seeks to reproduce the pleasant feelings of community with other family members, which he managed to experience during the illness, and to initiate "withdrawal into illness" in order to constantly receive parental love, care, attention and affection. Allegedly, the persisting soreness allows the child to control the attitude of the parents towards him and direct what is happening around him in the desired direction. In this way, parents unwittingly become hostages of their own self-imposed role of a “sick child”.

A fairly common occurrence in dysfunctional families can be the child's unconscious choice of a certain role, which helps him psychologically to resist the hardships that he encounters in the parental family. For example, some children focus on making everything perfect and taking responsibility for everything that happens in the family. In such cases, they can take on the role of the "family hero" (« responsible child " ). Most often, older children from clearly dysfunctional (alcoholic and conflict) families take on such a role. They are forced to become adults very early in order to support younger brothers and sisters in need of help, and sometimes their "lost" parents. Such children like to be a support and protector of the weaker ones, especially when their actions are supported by praise; they feel responsible for what happens in the family. Therefore, at first they are forced, and then quite willingly, they take care not only of the younger members of the family, but also take on the functions of "family lightning rods" in situations of parental conflicts; they have to listen, physically and emotionally support and reconcile their parents, make their life more or less convenient and comfortable, i.e. children become parents to their parents, cover up the disorganization of family life, and take on themselves a family that is not typical of their age.

Voluntary or forced acceptance of the role of the "family hero" is fraught with many dangerous moments that will make themselves felt in adulthood. Having received less children's joys, love and affection in the parental home, they begin to claim the special care and attention of others around them. Over time, they have a vague feeling of “stolen childhood”: while pleasing and pleasing others, they have not learned to play and sincerely express their feelings, they do not understand frivolity and frivolity, they cannot simply enjoy life. The natural process of growing up was pushed, was under the pressure of family circumstances, so even in adulthood, the "family hero" can feel like a "pseudo-adult", continuing to fight to return the childhood joys and pleasures that he was deprived of in the parental family. In addition, having become an adult, independent and independent, he continues to consider himself responsible for everything that happens around him, he cannot cope with mistakes and defeats, he works a lot and becomes a “workaholic”.

Some children, experiencing psychological discomfort in the family, retire to a fantasy world and keep themselves isolated from everyone, taking on themselves the role of the "lost child" (meek child). Such a child spends time alone in quiet activities, without annoying anyone in the house. Parents believe that he does not need attention, as he can take care of himself. He likes to help those in trouble, considers his difficulties and interests less important than the problems and hobbies of others, in everything he concedes to others. At the same time, he suffers greatly from loneliness and, due to his isolation, is prone to further isolation. As he grows up, he may become involved in drug use in order to achieve psychological comfort.

8. Define the child's marital roles.

« The idol of the family. "The child evokes general admiration of the family, no matter how he behaves. They turn to him in a sweet tone. Any whim is immediately fulfilled. Family life is dedicated to the child. In such an atmosphere, he grows up effeminate, capricious, deeply egocentric, because from childhood he gets used to putting his persona in the center of the universe. But it is possible that his elevation to "idols" is a reflection of the rivalry of adults. Some of them, by demonstrating affection for the child, are trying to assert their leadership in the family. In this case, the child turns out to be a trump card in the game of adults. Another option is also possible: the idol of the family, ”without knowing it, performs the function of a cementing factor that supports the family hearth in conditions of imaginary cooperation of adults. There is no true mutual understanding, readiness for emotional support of each other in the family, but everyone is interested in preserving the appearance of well-being4 and general admiration for the child has been turned into a symbol of family pseudo-unity.

"Mom's or Dad's treasure." This is similar to the role of an “idol in the family”, but in this case, the child is not everyone's favorite, but someone's personal. There can be many psychological reasons behind the imposition of such a role on a child. For example, a mother, dissatisfied with her marriage, unconsciously tries to “pour out” on the child all the passion and tenderness inherent in her nature. The same can be the case with the pope. This puts the child in a difficult position. He perfectly feels the special attitude of one of the adults, but no less acutely perceives the absence of the same attitude from others. The boy, who is a “mother’s treasure”, is forced to endure the ridicule of other family members, children and adults as a “mother’s son”. The girl - "papa's treasure" - can be regarded by the others "like papa's daughter." A child who has become a “grandmother’s treasure” is sometimes perceived by his parents as if he was “replaced” (“and all grandmother's influence”). It is painful for children to be "torn" between several elders, clearly realizing that with some they must behave differently from others.

"Nice". Usually, everyone is happy with a well-mannered, obedient, exemplary child: with him there is less trouble and more reasons for parental pride. Meanwhile, an atmosphere of insufficient cooperation in the family is often hidden behind the attempt of adults to make a child impeccable. People do not consider it necessary to emotionally penetrate each other, to share intimate and painful things in the family. It is preferable to pretend that there are no conflicts than to look for ways to reasonably resolve. The child is expected to observe decency; he confirms these expectations with his exemplary behavior, and for this he is rewarded by his elders. Nobody cares what the actual content of the child's inner life is. And constant hypocrisy becomes the norm of existence.

At the same time, the child develops inflated claims to himself and the fear of the inconsistency of his achievements with these claims. If at first every mistake is put “on the surface”, then later he himself blames any failure.

"Sick child." There are many children whose health requires attention and care. However, in life one can observe the following picture: a child who has been ill for a long time practically recovers and would like to feel equal with all other children, but someone in the family stubbornly continues to interpret him as weak, painful and demand from the others the same attitude towards him. This is where the conditional benefit of the child's painfulness for one of the family members is revealed. Either he is called to serve as a trump card in someone's hands, or a means of someone's self-affirmation. In other cases, adults do not succeed, or maybe they do not want to break the existing stereotype of their relationship with the child. It is much easier to communicate with him as a patient, continuing to habitually fuss around him (regimen, medications), than to look for new full-fledged forms of spiritual contact. In addition, the caregiver's mission prolongs parental authority.

In the mentality of a person, the installation is often expressed: a sick child should not be abandoned. The child “as the bearer of the symptom” allows the family to maintain the old parental relationship.

"Awful child." A child forced to play this role is perceived in the family as a subject that creates only troubles and tense situations. He is disobedient, self-willed, lax, devoid of a sense of duty, and even malicious. All they do is bring him to order with endless reprimands and punishments. Since this often does not work, the child seems terrible. He takes on the role of a torturer. Behind the attribution of this role, it is sometimes possible to see a situation of imaginary cooperation in the family. From bad behavior, an intra-family fetish is made, in a paradoxical way rallying cold people to each other. In other cases, we are talking about intrafamily rivalry: by shifting responsibility for the promiscuity of a child, adults subconsciously achieve self-affirmation (both by seizing the leadership in the house and presenting themselves as a victim of family injustice). A similar move by one of the elders can also serve as a means of self-elimination.

Family roles of children of alcoholics.

"Family Hero". In almost every broken or unhealthy family, there is a child, often an older one, who takes on the responsibilities of an absent or overwhelmed parent. This responsible, substitute child prepares meals, takes care of finances, ensures the well-being of the younger ones, and tries to support the normal functioning of the family. Sometimes this child acts as a counselor, resolving disputes between parents and trying to mend damaged relationships.

At school, the family hero is super-successful. He works hard to achieve his goal and gains the approval of teachers. He is often a gifted organizer or enjoys authority among his classmates.

Super-performing children, as they mature, cover up gaps in emotional development with intense work and self-discipline.

While these hard-working men and women appear outwardly capable and self-confident, inwardly they suffer from low self-esteem and self-doubt.

"Scapegoat". Most dysfunctional families have at least one child whose name is chores. For this child, rules are there to be broken. He is so persistent in causing trouble that he becomes the family scapegoat, distracting attention from the alcoholic.

The naughty child discovered an important principle of child development: negative attention is better than no attention at all. His self-esteem is even lower than the self-esteem of his positively oriented siblings. He bases his fragile sense of self on the knowledge that he is “bad,” and he gravitates toward friends like him who have low self-esteem. Because drugs and alcohol are a common focus of adolescent rebellion, the scapegoat often experiments or misuses drugs at an early age. Hereditary predisposition can increase the development of addiction even before the end of adolescence.

In adulthood, the legacy of the past manifests itself in the form of leadership resistance, defiant behavior, and uncontrollable temper and fury. Often the scapegoats are ready to offend, offend other people. They often drop out of school, marry early and have an illegitimate child, shy away from vocational training and run into debt that cannot be paid back. Despite their desire to be different, they become very much like their parents, whom they hate.

The Lost Child. Lost children suffer from feelings of inadequacy compared to others, lost and lonely in a world that they do not understand, and in fact even fear. They don't even try to act on their own, choosing instead to go with the flow. " Their low self-esteem, their perceptions of the world are noticeable externally: they are often shy and withdrawn. They prefer to be alone, having learned that daydreaming is safer and more fulfilling than unpredictable relationships with people.

As an adult, the “lost child” continues to feel like a powerless person with no choice or alternatives. He usually gravitates towards people as emotionally detached as himself, or marries a partner who recreates the chaos of his childhood.

A lost child's emotional isolation and apathy is often mistaken for serenity. The adaptive child, unfortunately, accepts as fact that he can never change anything.

"Family Jester". These extraordinarily sensitive children have the ability to turn even the most painful moments into a joke and get used to neutralizing irritation and anger with the help of a skillful sense of humor. Growing up, "family jesters" often turn into incapable talkers and nervous people. Even in the most painful moments, they cover up their deepest feelings with a joke. Only the most persistent and receptive of their friends manage to break through the cloak of humor to the wounds behind them.

They can be very talented, but they don't know how to rejoice at their successes, even together with others ..

Types of unfavorable roles of the child in the family

"The idol of the family". The child evokes general admiration of the family, no matter how he behaves. Any or almost any of his whims are immediately fulfilled by adults, and the one who does not do this causes criticism from the rest. In such an atmosphere, a child grows up to be pampered, capricious, and, most importantly, deeply egocentric, since from an early age he gets used to putting his person in the center of the universe.

"Mom's, (dad's, grandmother's, etc.) treasure."

This is similar to the role of the "family idol", but in this case the child is not a common idol, but someone's personal idol. For example, a mother, deeply dissatisfied with her marriage, subconsciously tries to pour out on the child all her inherent passion, tenderness, sacrifice (the same sometimes happens with the father). This puts the child in a difficult position. Indeed, the boy, who is "mother's treasure", is forced to endure the ridicule of other family members as "mama's son". The girl - "papa's treasure" - can be regarded by others as "papa's daughter". It is very difficult for children to be torn between several elders, clearly realizing that with one one must behave differently from others.

The role of the good girl.

Usually, everyone is happy with a well-mannered, obedient, exemplary child; and meanwhile, an atmosphere of imaginary cooperation in the family is often hidden behind the attempt of adults to make a child impeccable. A child is expected, first of all, to observe decency; he confirms these expectations with his exemplary behavior, and for this he is rewarded by his elders. What is the actual content of inner life, before this, in essence, no one cares. And constant hypocrisy becomes for the child the norm of existence for life.

A special case isthe role of the "sick child".

Of course, there are many children whose health requires special attention and care. However, the following picture can be observed in life: a child who has been ill for a long time practically recovers and would like to feel equal with all other children, but someone in the family persists in considering him weak and demanding the same attitude from others to him. This is where the conditional benefit of the child's painfulness for one of the family members is revealed. Either he is called upon to serve again as a trump card in someone's game, or as a means of someone's self-affirmation in conditions of isolation. In addition, the guardian's mission extends parental authority over the growing child.

Let us now turn to the roles of the negative plan, with the help of which the low value of the child in the family is fixed. Here, first of all, it is necessary to highlightthe role of "terrible child"in its many varieties. A child forced to play this role (for these are the expectations of elders) is perceived in the family as a subject that creates only troubles and tense situations. He is disobedient, self-willed, lax, devoid of a sense of duty and even malicious, since many of his actions can be viewed as actions in spite of adults. Everyone in the family does nothing but call him to order with endless reprimands and punishments. Since this often does not work, the child seems even more terrible to an adult. This is how he gets the role of "tormentor".

A child who is isolated as "terrible" sometimes acts asscapegoatfor the family. For all its members, he is definitely bad, and this gives them the right to unload their aggressiveness on him. After all, it is safer than discharging it on top of each other ... A child with such treatment can turn from "terrible" into"hammered": he begins to fear punishment for any of his statements and any actions.

The isolated child often has to play another role -"getting underfoot": he feels that he is interfering with everyone and is annoying at home ... There is no need to dwell on how the need to play the roles just described in the family hurts and deforms the child's psyche. Such a child will never be able to overcome the consequences of home education.

The essence of correct upbringing is. So that the child should not be pushed into socially approved behavior by fear and not a desire to curry favor with someone, but by his own conscience. When it is really formed in a child, then in his soul he himself reproaches himself for any unseemly act.
The best relationship between a child and his parents is when
- parents always explain the reasons for their demands and encourages their discussion with the child;

Power is used to the extent necessary;

Both obedience and independence are valued in a child;

The parent sets the rules and firmly enforces them, but does not consider himself infallible;

Parents listen to the child's opinion, but do not proceed only from his desires.

(Based on the book by A.B. Dobrovich)