Fitness and healthy lifestyle 

Than distract yourself from parting. What can be done? A subtle point to be implemented

The advice from a professional psychologist in this article will help you get through the negative moments when breaking up or ending a relationship with your loved one.

1) This is not the end of the world - everything is changeable in our world. This also applies to any relationship. Even the most stable pairs can go their separate ways.

At times, we see a picture of an ideal romantic relationship. The guy takes care of the girl, she reciprocates. Everyone around them admires the wonderful and tender feelings of young people. And then after a month or a couple of months they part - conflicts, quarrels, disagreements arise. This example suggests that we need to have a clear understanding of an unstable and volatile life.

Don't make plans for an eternal relationship in your head, just enjoy the moment. Even the strongest wall can collapse. If you understand the first advice of psychologists, you can greatly facilitate the period after the breakup. You will rather accept everything as it is.

2) Most likely you have a hobby. Do what you love, completely immerse yourself in it. Improve yourself in it.

If you happen to go through a difficult breakup, being busy will only be beneficial. No wonder they say that you need to plunge headlong into work in order to forget about everything. And if this work brings you pleasure, then you will completely forget about the not very pleasant event in your life.

Psychologist's advice regarding how to get over a breakup with a loved one, based on the fact that a person needs to be distracted in the first place. You can write a collection of poems, implement a long-conceived business plan, reach the top in your favorite sport. Thanks to your hobbies, you will not lose your inner charge of energy, but, on the contrary, you will be saturated with new emotions, strengthen your mental health and change your outlook on the current situation.

Gradually, a hobby will not only help to survive parting with a loved one, but also bring benefits, perhaps even monetary benefits. You will become more independent, confident. No more trifles will make you panic, and gray working days will change their color to bright and catchy. Having your favorite work, you gain a personal life path. You will be independent.

3) Don't live for the relationship, don't sacrifice yourself. Never.

Life is full of various activities, emotions, impressions, every day you can find pleasure and meaning in the world around you.

Unfortunately, there is a strong belief that the entire life path should consist of certain stages. Turning off the well-trodden road is comparable to madness. But understand that a relationship and a loved one is just a part of your life. Yes, of course, this is a significant part and very important. But not defining!

Modern films show us incredible stories about love, endless relationships, happy pastime. In reality, this is not the case. And thanks to fairy tales, films, TV series, books, young people get the impression that eternal love exists, that each of us is destined to meet our soul mate and that mutual feelings will always be bright and ardent. If such a thought has stuck in my head, then the advice of a psychologist is simply necessary.

Many people go to work or school, forcing themselves to do it. Every minute they think about how they will return home under the wing of their beloved husband or beloved wife. They imagine that only next to someone can you feel happy and needed. Only thanks to someone can you mean something. But you shouldn't be like such people.

You are an independent independent person. You yourself lead your life, and therefore your own happiness. You are happiness. Don't associate this wonderful feeling with a person or object. After a while, quarrels will arise, you will cease to understand each other, that is the illusory idea of ​​an ideal relationship and will collapse. And it will be very difficult to recover. You will be tormented by the question "How to survive parting with a loved one?"

This feature is inherent in most girls. In addition to the established standard thinking, nature also contributes to this. It so happened that biologically, in the thoughts of every girl, girl, woman, family trends prevail. To become a faithful wife, a good mother is what all the fair sex thinks about.

Of course, this is a rather important question. But you don't need to cling to a relationship and see a potential father of your child in every man. After all, if a girl convinces herself that here he is, her beloved and the only one, and the man takes it and leaves, the psyche will be disturbed. Perhaps, you will need not only psychological help, perhaps we will also talk about drug treatment.


4) If you do break up, watch your emotions. Do not let life cease to please you.

Believe me, a gloomy look and sleepless nights will not bring your appearance in order, but frequent walks with friends in the fresh air and playing sports are just the opposite.

Depression can become your constant companion. And over time, you will not cope with feelings of self. You will be annoyed by such little things as a sudden rain, a torn off button. You will break down on loved ones, and sometimes on strangers. There is no need to bring yourself to such a position.

There are examples when men, not knowing how to survive parting with a loved one, went to a monastery or simply did not go out to people. Locking oneself out of the world, there is no way out. There is no need to make a tragedy. Otherwise, you may end up in a hospital with serious illnesses. After all, it is from the health of the nervous system that certain diseases arise. Think about the consequences!

5) Don't look for new relationships right away. A common mistake is finding a new partner.

Here, it would seem, the door closed behind a loved one. It's over, the relationship has collapsed. And what are many doing? Instantly, with a trembling in their hands, with perspiration on their forehead, they begin to scroll in their minds: "I need a new guy (new girl)."

This is not a priority task that needs to be addressed. First of all, you analyze your condition. Inside yourself, most likely, you will feel a kind of emptiness, loss, weakness, lack of joy, depression. So why do you now start a new relationship that will be artificially created? It is unlikely that you will feel the attraction to a new partner.

First, understand yourself. All the advice of psychologists on this topic is inclined to believe that dialogues with the inner self help a lot at such moments. Do not be afraid to ask yourself questions and answer them.

Don't look for new feelings. Jumping from one relationship to another is unlikely to help, unless for a short period of time. All you have to do after a breakup is analyzing your condition and loving yourself. Decide for yourself once and for all that you deserve a good life, a warm and mutual relationship, and pleasant emotions.

Help yourself find harmony. To do this, accept the situation, do not try to keep up with the past and believe in a better future. Vera is the main assistant. Faith and self-love.

6) No need to fight past memories that hurt the soul.

Our brain is designed in such a way that memories constantly arise as a result of any associations: smells, melodies, tastes. When you don’t understand how to get over the breakup with your loved one, everything around you reminds of a past relationship. Every twig, every flower, every bench has a connection with the past. And thoughts are filled with nostalgic notes, you again return to a sad state, a lump forms in your throat and it is difficult to breathe.

This feature can be compared to an old cracked record. As soon as the melody reaches the damaged place, everything starts all over again. Sounds become similar to grinding, squeaking, but the brain tirelessly continues to put on a worn-out record.

Maybe in this way nature jokes about our emotions and experiences? Who knows. But you need to fight these thoughts. Just assess the whole situation. Just understand that memories will not be better for you or anyone else. Don't try to fix an old record, you can't make it new.

Take your new path with confidence and firmness. Throw a hackneyed record far into the past. Do not ignore the advice of psychologists, because with the help of each of them it will be easier for you to cope with any difficulties.

7) Become aware of the fact that the relationship is over. Don't look back. Don't try to bring back the past.

If you do not let go of past relationships, then they will always interfere with the construction of future ones. It happens that a girl or a guy, not knowing how to survive parting with a loved one, hopes to the last to restore the couple. The sooner you decide for yourself that there is no possibility of restoring any feelings, the sooner you will come to order. Thinking about the way back doesn't have to fill your life.

To make it easier to take such a step, sort out all the details that prevent you from forgetting your partner. Throw away any reminders about relationships: photos, gifts, clothes.

8) Do not expect help and care from the world around you.

You are completely independent. Your current position in society, your workplace, the attitude of other people towards you depends on you. No need to live unrealistic dreams and plans. Just enjoy the moment. After all, no one knows what the Universe is preparing for us, even tomorrow. So what can you plan if you don't know what will happen?

If you are independent, then you absolutely do not need someone who will instruct, convince or order. You are the master of your life, you control your actions and build your personal plans.

An invisible thread that can form between two people has the ability to grow over time to a thick, durable collar that does not allow movement of its own accord. Do you like the life of a puppet? Unlikely.

Don't need anyone or anything. Do not expect the world to present you with pleasant surprises and gifts. Even if you are confident in the success of your business, do not tell anyone about it. Don't need anyone's advice or approval. It is useless to ask someone about your future.

All the advice of psychologists says that if your partner leaves your life, you should not panic. It just means that you turned out to be stronger, but why do you need a weak partner? You will not grow up next to such a person. You will descend to his level. Lack of development leads to a decrease in interests in life, in a favorite business, in friendly meetings.

Love addiction has never led to something good. Don't be part of a relationship, be a self-formed person.

9) If in your life there was a break with a partner, leave the next six months for adaptation.

This period is simply necessary for the full recovery of the mental state. In order to start trusting other people again.

Having met a good person in the first six months after breaking up with your previous partner, do not try to build a family with him. It is best if you do not take any serious steps during this time. Also, do not ask anything important from a new acquaintance or acquaintance.

Try to use the communication to your advantage. Enjoy life. Laugh and have fun.

A very important point: your loved one is not your property. It is the attempts to appropriate all the free time of a partner that often leads to negative consequences. Instead, just be happy and bring happiness around you. Believe me, the person who will receive joyful emotions next to you will definitely reciprocate. Just remember, these emotions should be sincere, not feigned and invented.

As practice shows, the advice of psychologists regarding how to survive parting with a loved one suggests that support is the basis of a long and successful relationship. Support your partner in all endeavors, do not laugh at his failures and losses, help in all matters. Delve into the interests of a loved one. Also share your experiences, interests, thoughts.

Remember, if you need a person, then only right. This means that you may experience a pleasant melancholy during a short separation, that you may miss communicating with your beloved or loved one. It is important to want to be together, but not to depend entirely on it.

Every decision in your relationship should be shared. That is, when deciding important issues, listen to the opinion of your partner. And tell him your thoughts. Come to a compromise, this is very important.

10) Ask yourself the question: "Are my feelings about the relationship real or are they illusions?"

If you are tormented by the question: "How to survive parting with a loved one?", Then the following advice from psychologists can come to the rescue. Use internal dialogue. Just talk to yourself. Do not be afraid to do this, no one will think you are crazy. This is just one type of introspection.

Draw a parallel between reality and the sensations of your inner world. Look at your ex. It seems perfect to you. Everything in it corresponds to the best indicators. And the figure, and appearance, and mental qualities. Now look at him through the eyes of another person.

Just forget the feelings that arose next to your soul mate. Do not be distracted by memories of warm touches, gentle words, joyful meetings. You will definitely notice that there is nothing special about this person. He is the same as many others. He has an ordinary face, an ordinary body. There is no unique sparkle in the eyes.

This is a long-known method in psychology that helps to dispel the drawn images and get rid of invented additions to the personality of your ex-lover or lover.

11) Love yourself with all the virtues and all the flaws.

Why are breakups with loved ones so hard for you? Because your whole being becomes attached to the feeling that arises. You begin to get used to being stable. And in the event of a breakup, you experience deep loss, longing and sadness.

There is only one way out - you should always put yourself first. Accept yourself. And you will see how much easier it will become for you to live. And this is not only with regards to love relationships. You will more easily relate to work moments, to important events, to failures. You will quickly begin to come to the right decision and quickly find a way out of any situation.

12) Self-love will ensure you get rid of addiction.

You will not need anyone else for self-realization, for a feeling of happiness, for a prosperous life. Thanks to this, you will find harmony with the world, with the Universe. You will open up your inner reserves, and the people around you will begin to have more respect for you.

Friends, these simple formulas for solving the problem "How to survive parting with a loved one" will become real helpers for you. Just let the advice of psychologists into your life, do not ignore it, and your head will be cleared of unnecessary junk that accompanies any breakup.

Alena Golovina

Interesting

Parting and forgetting is not going to work; to leave and not feel pain - it will not work; to part and live happily and comfortably is also an illusion.
Parting with a loved man you can only get sick. The severity of this disease depends on the strength of attachment to a loved one, who had to be pulled out of his life.One will get away from this disease in six months, and the other will suffer all his life, and without breaking the connection with that person, he will not be able to recover. Causes of lingering damage: codependency, pessimism, mental laziness, or simply the need to be close to a loved one, to love him and to feel with all your being that you are loved. Such a need cannot be buried. Yes, it is natural for a person. It is important to be aware of it, not ashamed, and even be proud of the desire, the ability to love.
There is only one way to forget a significant person with whom so much is connected: to run away, hit your head on a pole, or get some other injury, as a result of which amnesia will come. So it's best not to try to forget. But what about the monstrous anger, resentment, guilt, fear, despair, grief, depression, feeling of own worthlessness, emptiness? - Get over the breakup.


CATHARSIS

Parting is always accompanied by a powerful storm of destructive and negative emotions. Leading among them anger and resentment. Often a person tries to extinguish these emotions in destructive ways: alcohol, drugs, gluttony. Gluttony and as a means to fill the inner void. These emotions cannot be drowned out, it is dangerous to displace them. – break free in psychosomatics or lead to depression, destroy from the inside. These emotions can only be thrown out: by shouting, crying, sobbing, you can hit a double folded towel or a tennis racket on the bed, pound your fists on the pillows. The task will be completed if, instead of incredible emotional stress, you experience physical powerlessness.
Another way of catharsis– it is to stand under running water and cry bitterly. There is also a direct relationship between emotion and increased physical activity. Jogging, swimming, boxing will help to throw out negativity and tension, while emotions must be "thrown away" in intense physical movements.


Forgive

Anger and resentment interfere with forgiving. And here it does not matter: he (she) left (la) or you. In situations of separation, if an emotional connection with each other is maintained, there is always resentment and anger in the heart. These feelings form a trap of strong dependence on who you had to part with. Having got rid of anger and resentment, you will get rid of the obsessive desire to think about this person, suffering will become more bearable.© The author of the article you are reading now, Nadezhda Khramchenko /
Resentment, anger - these are the shackles that bind you to each other. Write a letter to this person, describe in it all your grievances and forgive them. You do not need to send a letter.
Remember why you fell in love with him (her), what he (she) gave you. Wish you happiness and let go of yourself. Be kind to your ex. This is a worthy, majestic act, which testifies to a strong, developed personality, and not to a hysterical weak-willed character, the humiliation of which does not even cause pity.
Only by forgiving, you weaken the connection with your loved one, and with anger and resentment knit a tight rope that connects you forever. It is important to get out of this difficult life situation with dignity.

DECIDE

Oscillations, doubts, throwing: "What if it still works out", swing: "Then they came together– then they parted "completely unsettled, delay the process parting, in the end, melancholy, depression, apathy... In many ways, this is reminiscent of the stage of experiencing loss, death of a loved one "Bargaining" by Elizabeth Ross. However, if you could not stand it and got back together, most likely the period of euphoria from the "Honeymoon" will be replaced by regrets from the fact that you showed weakness and came to what you were running from, and now everything is going in circles again.
Here it is necessary to separate. Entangled in relationship – take a break for a certain period, take a time out. Do you want to establish relationship – analyze the mistakes you made, and go! But if you actually break up, then this should not be a hysterical trick or an escape from problems, but a consequence of a conscious decision " Breake down». Make a decision and stick to it. Your task– learn to live without it loved one, completely excluding him from his life, breaking the connection with him. Leave, do not call each other, do not correspond, do not look at her / him on social networks, do not inquire about her / him and do not look for meetings with each other, do not go to memorable places. "Yes, it was beautiful, but this is the past." Solve all your problems yourself, without asking him for help or advice. It is important to maintain your dignity and not humiliate yourself. Form new habits that have nothing to do with him (her). Be active, create and create your new life. 2 hours a day of catharsis from grief and loss, and the rest of the time should be filled with various activities so that in the evening you fall from fatigue and immediately fall asleep. You should have no time to suffer. Nevertheless, if you still suffer from insomnia, do not lie in bed thinking that you will not get enough sleep, but get up and do something or read and do not touch the computer 3 hours before bedtime.
Find for the sake of what, whom you need to live for, remember this always in difficult times.

ANALYZE THE RELATIONSHIP

Once emotions settle down, you need to start analyzing your past relationships. Why did you get along? Why did you have to leave? Who made what mistakes? How could they be corrected? Was your couple happy? Answer these questions to yourself honestly, objectively, without emotion. Not in order to condemn someone, but in order to realize everything, to move on to a new round of your personal development.
It's good if, 3 months after parting, when feelings have cooled down, a meeting will take place on neutral territory, where you can discuss everything, because of which there is no way together. Try to treat each other carefully, do not envy if the life of the ex (ex) is developing more successfully. Don't take the bad things personally. Draw conclusions from mistakes. Life is long and parting is inevitable. This is your personal experience and part of your life.


RESTORE ENERGY

Parting as a rule takes away vital energy from a person, it must be restored. Country walks, swimming in natural waters, animal therapy, hypotherapy, just any communication with animals and horse riding, travel, excursions, theater, exhibitions, museums, communication with positive people, extreme, yoga, meditation. The list can still be very long. Choose your own way to recover. The principle of 4 elements works great. Every day you need to touch 4 elements: water, earth, fire, air. Find your ways. For example, if there is water, then stand under running water in the shower, washing off all the pain from yourself, cry. You can sit by the lake, looking at the surface of the water. Fire– it is a bonfire, and it is possible to look at the flame of a candle and read a long prayer or "Our Father" 10 times. Earth– run barefoot in the grass or work in your vegetable garden. Air– breathe in the air deeply, standing on the balcony, or better in the countryside. There is still a lot you can think of, the main thing is to contact the four elements every day.


OF PLEASURES, OR IMPOSING THE OPPOSITE

When parting, negative and destructive emotions go off scale, a depressive mood background arises. Challenge yourself to achieve a positive attitude. Pleasure will be the helpers here.© The author of the article you are reading now, Nadezhda Khramchenko /
Take a piece of paper and draw a planet of pleasure. Mark on it 15 things that bring you pleasure. It seems to you that a lot? If it doesn't work, then you are just a lazy person. Expand your horizons and find what brings you joy in life. Make sure to give yourself pleasure every day. In addition, if a negative, pessimistic thought arises in your head, immediately knock it down with a positive and life-affirming thought. For example, change the thought “I will always be alone” with the setting “If I want, I will have many friends and fans”. It is a very useful habit to think constructively and form correct positive attitudes. Life attitudes– prerequisites for the implementation of the plan.

IF THE COMMUNICATION IS NOT INTERRUPTED

It is very difficult to take and leave, it is very difficult not to try to return, or at least not to hope. When many people leave, they do not dare to cut ties with each other. This is mistake. The feeling of an uncomplicated personal life is created. It is impossible to remain friends precisely because there is a strong emotional connection. If you feel that you are unable to live without this person, try to build a new relationship with him (her). But if it doesn't work together– part completely, severing emotional ties, dispersed, invisible, without calls, until he has been ill.

BEAUTIFUL AROUND

An amazing thing, when our inner world is twisted, turned inside out from pain and despair, everything around is seen as ugly, meaningless, unfair, cruel. And all because we either project our negativity outward, refusing to admit it in ourselves, or we are looking in the outer world for something that corresponds to the inner world. Such a pessimistic whirlwind inevitably leads to depression. However, there is a way to harmonize the inner state through the outer. Surround yourself with beautiful things. Take care of your appearance, your physical form, admire paintings in museums, make repairs at home (paste wallpaper), get carried away with updating the interior of your home. Keep track of tones in clothes and designs– dark has no place in them! Let it be bright and light colors.


WEEKEND AND HOLIDAYS

It's especially hard in the first year loneliness weekends and holidays are postponed. Even if you are very tired at work, prepare in advance for the holidays and weekends, so that these days you are not left alone with yourself. Cleaning, then go to visit, the next day receiving guests, preparing something for tea with your own hands, an amusement park, learning to dance or driving, books, music, but not thinking about the ex (s). During the holidays (New Year, May), do not be lazy, go on a short trip.

SUMMARY

Summarizing, we can say the following. Parting with a dear person– this is always a difficult life test, but subject to psychological recommendations, and in severe cases, turning to a specialist for help, you can always get over the separation, recover and find happiness or inner peace. Memories of a loved one with whom you had to break off contact, over time will evoke a bright image of the past, and not pain and despair.
Breaking up is very difficult, but there are basic principles that you need to adhere to in order to recover and become a happy person.
1. As soon as you broke up, move as far as possible from your former love, do not call, do not write, do not see each other, remove all the things that remind you of this person.
2. Form new habits unrelated to that person. A significant part of people cannot part with each other precisely because of common habits that have been formed and fixed in behavior over the years.
For example, we had dinner together. Now come up with a new form of having dinner in a pleasant environment, if before - in the kitchen, now - in the room, the best option is to invite friends, friends for dinner or dinner in a cafe. New habits should be more enjoyable than old ones.
3. Forgive. While there is resentment in the heart and anger, the bond with this person is very strong. You cannot build a new relationship, and the suffering will not stop.– the pain of parting will not be eliminated.
4.Two hours a day of catharsis (outburst of emotions), all the rest of the time work, hobbies, communication, walks, so that you are busy from morning till evening and, lying down, immediately turn off.
5. Be sure to give yourself pleasure every day, do not allow yourself to get depressed, replacing any negative thought with a positive attitude. Think about why you live, what goals you set, what your values. If you don't see meaning in your life, then it's time to reassess your values, find something attractive in the world, set goals, find something to live for.
Give yourself enough time to get sick, 12-18 months. Only after fully recovering from the gap, you can start a new relationship, otherwise the new connection will be short-term, and the disappointment from it is even stronger, because without thoroughly working through your previous experience, you will drag you into a new mistakes and sorrows of the past, and so on in a vicious circle until you have to give up personal life altogether.
Having been ill, you will gain a unique experience and start life from a clean slate, where there will be no place for past mistakes and disappointment in yourself. You will always be helped psychologist... You can contact me. Whatever the pain, after the consultation you will feel relief, you will have the strength to live. By following individual recommendations, you will save yourself from depression and start to rejoice again, you will feel that you are not living in vain, and in your life, besides this person, there is still a lot of meaning.To sign up for consultation at the reception psychologist, you at home, by Skype,by phone, can

In the life of almost every person, sooner or later, parting occurs. In the lives of many - more than once. This is a very important event, because it is only on the one hand the end of something. More importantly, breaking up is a moment of choice and the beginning of something new. If the choice is correct, it becomes the beginning of a new, better life, a more correct understanding of love. Parting has helped a colossal number of people become adults, loving and happy people.

Parting theme to the fullest. I have enriched and deepened my experience with the help of highly qualified psychologists and Orthodox priests who participate in the work of the site "Perezhit.ru". This article is the quintessence of our methodology. The article does not replace other articles, but it will help you structure and better assimilate the material.

1. Put a point

If the breakup happened, first of all, you need to take the fact of what happened for granted. If a person has left, you need to let him go. It is necessary to put an end to the relationship that was.

The stories are different. Unfortunately, partings also happen in marital relations. Therefore, when I say that you need to put an end to it, I am not saying: lock the door tightly, bury the person, erase him from your memory. No! Often lawful husbands and wives return with repentance, and then they can be accepted. It's about something else. Coming to terms with parting means letting go of the person. Recognize his right to make such a decision, even if it is wrong. Stop holding it.

Theoretically, it is possible that after some time you both will change, and a meeting of you new ones may occur, and you will be able to create new, more harmonious relationships.

But the people you are now could not be together. The path that you followed has come to this point. And with this point it ended. The person you are now must acknowledge and accept this.

If you have even a little love for this person, acknowledge his right to be free. Let go and bless him.

Say to yourself, referring to this person: “I am letting you go! Bless you!"

The cessation of attempts to return a person, the termination of hopes for his return is an absolutely necessary condition for a successful experience of parting. Some cling to a person for months or years. And as long as they cling, they suffer, they get stuck in this state.

Often lovers (especially those suffering from love addiction) break up and converge several times. And the further, the lower the quality of their relationship. They thereby humiliate themselves, their relationships, they reinforce the skills of how not to live, and reduce their chances of building healthy relationships. There is a good rule: "When leaving, leave!"

And believe that your clinging does not increase the love and respect for you of the one to whom you are clinging, but quite the opposite.

2. Overcome obsessive thoughts

In most crisis situations, we do not suffer from the situation itself, but from false obsessions about it. "You will never meet as good as she is." "You won't love anyone else." "You will never have children." "It is impossible to love someone like you." "I won't love anyone else so much" (this is usually the case for girls aged 15-18), "There is no need to live anymore." These thoughts hurt us almost physically, plunge us into despair.

Relatively speaking, 10% of our suffering is from the situation itself, from the inability to see a loved one, to be with him, etc., 90% - from these false thoughts. So, as soon as we overcome these thoughts, we will stop suffering. And you can overcome obsessive thoughts quickly enough.

First of all, we need to realize these thoughts as an external force hostile to us, which, with the help of deception, tries to plunge us into despair and almost squeeze us out of the light. These thoughts are not generated by you! They came from outside to harm you. To accept the thought or not to accept it is in our power. If we accept it and begin to "chew", then it becomes, as it were, ours.

What do the psychologists of ladies' and also popular psychological magazines advise in such cases? Get distracted. Find an activity to help you take your mind off your hard thoughts. This is as "wise" as advising a frontline soldier to turn his back on the enemy so as not to see his nasty face and do something else. Like, you don't see him, which means he is no longer there.

What about the fact that at this very moment he will hit you in the back with a bullet?

My advice is clear - turn to face the enemy and fight. This is the only real way to deal with this enemy. Thought is such a thing that neither an exercise bike, nor a swimming pool, nor the fingers of a beautician or masseur, nor a new lover will protect against. Thought can only be conquered by thought!

How to win?

Arguing with hostile thoughts is useless. Some people hope to analyze something, to reason, to make a decision with the help of a discussion with the thoughts that overwhelm them. In the acute period of the crisis, in the first week or two, no sound reasoning and correct decisions are possible. First you need to bring yourself to a healthy, sober state. In a period of acute crisis, we have only one goal - to gain a sober view of things by fighting obsessive thoughts.

The only way to defeat false thoughts is to oppose them with true, good thoughts, clothed with the power of prayer.

To do this, you must, first of all, constantly monitor what kind of thought torments you. This is what I call - looking the enemy in the face.

Second, oppose this thought with the appropriate prayer. That is, a prayer, the meaning of which is the opposite of the thought that torments at the moment. Three or four short prayers are enough to "deal" with most of the obsessive thoughts in the situation of separation.

If you are tormented by thoughts of self-pity, thoughts of despondency, murmur, or fear.

Typical thoughts are: “I won't love anyone anymore,” “I won't feel so good with anyone else,” “My life no longer makes sense,” “How can I, poor thing, live now?” Our most dangerous enemy is self-pity. This pity must be dealt with mercilessly.

Prayers that are used against such thoughts: “Glory to God for everything!”, “For everything, Thy will. Let it be as you please! "

The meaning of these prayers is that we recognize the non-coincidence of what happened. We recognize that no matter how painful it is, it is for our good. Thus, we express our trust in God, who wishes us all good, and the confidence that this event will serve to improve our life and our soul. And since the improvement of the soul implies an increase in love in it, it means that it is quite possible that we will still fall in love with someone, moreover, with a more perfect love.

If we are tormented by thoughts about the person we are parting with, or about the one who “took” this person.

Typical thoughts: “He's the best, you won't meet such a person again”, “I can't live without her!”, “How could I get him back”, “Scoundrel! How could he deceive me like that! "," I hate her, vile, for taking him away! How to take revenge on her? "

If we are tormented by the thought of any person, we kill it with a simple prayer: "Lord, bless this person!" We put into this prayer the desire for goodness to man.

The psychological explanation is as follows. The fact is that the essence of obsessive thoughts that torment us is evil, aggression. This is either an offense against a person, or a desire to deprive him of his freedom by tying him to himself against his will, or a desire to take revenge, or a desire to be overtaken by misfortune for what he did. All this is the opposite of love. And now, when we oppose these evil thoughts with a good thought, the evil thought is defeated.

There is also a deeper level of understanding. If we recognize that dark entities are the source of our evil thoughts, then it is clear that it is evil that is their goal. And as a result of such a prayer, you get not just good, but a double good: you get benefits from prayer, and the person for whom you are praying. Naturally, such a result of their intervention does not suit these dark entities at all, and they leave you. Tested by many!

If you are tormented by aggressive thoughts directed to yourself.

False thoughts: "It is impossible to love someone like you, you are a loser", "You are to blame for everything, now if you had not made that mistake!"

Prayer: "Glory to God for everything!" If you are really to blame for something: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive me!”.

Prayer "Glory to God for everything!" universal. It contains, among other things, self-acceptance, gratitude to God for the good that is in us.

Prayers of repentance: "Lord, have mercy!", "Lord, forgive!" pronounced without strain, in an even, dispassionate tone. If we start acting, we ourselves will not notice how, instead of repentance, we will concentrate on despondency and self-pity: "Oh, how unfortunate I am, have pity on me!" This will only harm. When a person truly repents, he firmly believes that God forgives him, and it is easier for him every minute.

I emphasize: the tone of all prayers should be even, no matter what storm rages inside us!

There are a few more rules to keep in mind when praying.

First, you need to control your attitude towards the One to whom you are praying. Remember, God doesn't owe you anything. It is not his fault that you feel bad now. But you, most likely, are largely to blame before Him. Therefore, pray humbly. Only humble prayer achieves the goal. Prayer, in the depth of which, is an offense against God or an insolent demand, will not give anything.

This is on the one hand. On the other hand, do not consider yourself a completely alien, powerless suppliant. You are turning not to an indifferent official, but to a merciful Father who loves you. He wants to give you everything you ask for and more.

Secondly, believe that they hear you, they can help you and will certainly help you. God is almighty, He created this world out of nothing. God hears your every word (which you yourself hear) and not a single word of yours is wasted.

Third, it is advisable to know as best as possible the One to whom you are praying. Some people think that God is the "supreme intelligence." But Satan also fits the definition of "higher intelligence". Therefore, if you are close to Christianity, try reading the Gospel to find out what kind of God He is. Just do not visualize God during prayer - it is very dangerous. (Looking at the icon of Jesus Christ does not mean representing God in front of you, it is safe.)

You need to pray exactly as long as the attack on you of obsessive thoughts continues. Some will read the prayer several times, and then say: "I tried to pray - it did not help." This is ridiculous. You are sitting in a trench. The enemy fires at you from all sides. You fire three shots towards the enemy. Naturally, the shelling does not stop. In despair, you crawl to the bottom of the trench, throwing away the machine gun: it supposedly does not help.

Where is the logic here? The force of action must be equal to the force of reaction! When I was in this situation, for the first 5 or 7 days I prayed almost continuously, repeating the words of the prayers thousands of times. By carefully observing which thought is attacking me now, and using the appropriate prayer against it. I held on to prayer, like a drowning man holding on to a lifeline. Naturally, if I let go of the circle, I would immediately go to the bottom.

Therefore - do not be lazy, do not retreat, do not give up! Fight with all your might!

3. Forgive yourself and the other person

Common problems in a breakup situation are attitudes of resenting the other person or blaming yourself. Both positions prevent us from finally recovering.

Another person may be to blame for something in front of us. However, you need to forgive him, for two reasons.

Firstly, we do not know exactly why this happened, we do not know the degree of our guilt. The mistakes of one of the two may be obvious (drunkenness, cruelty, betrayal, consumerism at the material level), and the other - hidden (consumerism at the spiritual level, jealousy, disrespect, emancipation). However, the former may be a consequence of the latter. That is why they say that both are always to blame. Each of the two always has his own truth. And you, knowing only your own truth, but not knowing the truth of another, cannot judge him.

Secondly, your resentment binds you to this person, like shackles shackle two convicts. By cutting the chain of resentment, you release not only him, but yourself as well. And each of you carries with him his own piece of the chain - his share of responsibility.

How to forgive?

Tell him mentally: "I forgive you!" This does not mean that you approve of what he did or take full responsibility for what happened. No, he is responsible and will fully answer for his mistakes. But he will bear this responsibility himself, without your participation.

If the obsessive thought of resentment continues to haunt you, use the above weapon of prayer: "Lord, bless him!"

If we blame ourselves, we need to sort out our feelings and separate the rational from the irrational.

Rational - these are the facts of your specific sins: betrayal, rudeness, deception, jealousy, the wife's desire to rise above her husband, etc.

The irrational is just an inferiority complex, behind which are not facts, but beliefs: "I am bad," "I am not good for anywhere," "I am not worthy of love," etc.

The rational is healed by repentance. Take your share of responsibility by refraining from self-justification. Asking a person for forgiveness - real or mentally. Ask God for forgiveness. Work on fixing yourself so that you can become a different person who won't do this anymore.

The irrational is an obsessive false thought. She is treated with prayer and good deeds. But above all - improving relations with parents.

4. Benefit, work on yourself

The common truth is known: any difficult situation, any crisis is not a "misfortune", but a test. A test is an opportunity sent down to us from above, precisely calculated for our needs and abilities, an opportunity to grow, to take a step towards personal excellence and a better life. And the opportunity to grow is so important and valuable for us that it would be strange to call it a misfortune. After all, growing up, we become happier.

But growth doesn't automatically follow testing. As stated earlier, a challenge is an opportunity. If we only feel sorry for ourselves, blame others, lose heart, grumble, then we have not passed the test, have not grown. And you have to grow. Therefore, the next lesson will be tougher.

To pass the test, you must first of all come to terms. When you and I, overcoming the urge to lose heart, feel sorry for ourselves and grumble, prayed "Glory to Thee, Lord!" - this was the school of humility. Thanks to this school, in the next tests we will not be so upset. Humility makes us stronger and more patient. Humility is our most valuable "income" from any challenge.

Now that the acute stage of the crisis has passed, it is time to soberly analyze the reasons for what happened.

First, what were constituents your relationship, how much love, how much dependence, how much physiological passion? From your side, from your partner's side.

Second, what were the genuine goals relationships - family, pleasure, mercantile calculation? From your side, from your partner's side. To what extent are these goals worthy of you, do you need such goals?

Third, if the goal was worthy (a real family), then how much you and this person fit for each other and for this purpose? Was it possible to achieve this goal with this person? And did you know him enough to admit the degree of intimacy that you allowed? And with what person can you achieve this goal? And which person is best for you? What qualities do you lack in order to successfully achieve this goal? Are you an adult or addicted? What harmful and useful skills have you learned from your parenting family and the relationships that preceded that relationship?

Fourth, if the goal was worthy and people were worthy, what mistakes were you admitted in the process of achieving these goals? What should you do to get a better result?

In the process of this analysis, write down on paper everything that you need to change in yourself. Your mistakes to repent of. Your shortcomings to be corrected. Those good qualities that you need to develop in yourself. These records will be your second "income" from this test.

To get the third "income" from the test, put this piece of paper into action - start working on yourself. First of all, we are talking about inner work. About overcoming addictions, passions, fostering love, chastity. Such work on yourself will make you a different person.

If you also find it necessary to work on your body, exercise is in any case good for you. Physical training associated with overcoming "I can no longer" not only make our body younger and more attractive, but also strengthen the will, which is of great importance for the success of all the affairs of our life.

It is very important at this stage to put in front of yourself the right goals for the next period of life. It is the improvement of yourself as a person, education of love in yourself, getting rid of shortcomings that should be your goals. Not a new meeting, not the return of the one who left.

Moreover, it is highly desirable abstain from any relationship for at least a year like lovers - even chaste. Because otherwise, the relationship will be built on an unreliable foundation. The first time after parting, self-esteem is underestimated. After some time of work on oneself, it can become overestimated. Both that, and another, interfere with a sober assessment of the partner. In addition, the substitution effect is known when we unconsciously seek a replacement for the partner who left us. Relationships that begin to take shape ahead of time will be fragile.

Therefore, do not get hung up on the topic of love relationships! Don't worry about having nowhere to meet a good person! Everything will happen in due time. When you are ready to create a full-fledged family, a worthy person will appear. As soon as you become a princess, your prince will immediately rush along on a white horse. Even if you sit at home all day due to illness, he will make the wrong door or phone number - and will come to you. And if you are not ready, then even with a huge social circle you will not be able to choose anyone.

If age leaves little hope for creating a new family, all the more, a person has only one field of activity - his soul. If there is someone to take care of, this is also a worthy task in life, but still, improving yourself is more important. Because only a loving person can truly care for others. Here is the story of a woman living with dignity in celibacy after divorce.

5. Do not recognize the right to be unhappy

Many of us, unconsciously for ourselves, in the state "I am poor, unhappy, no one loves me" feel more comfortable than in the state: "I was born to be happy, and it depends on me whether to be happy or not." This is due to infantilism (childishness), the insurmountability of some stages of growing up. We do not want, as adults, to take responsibility for ourselves. And therefore, although we are afraid of troubles when they come, we literally cling to them and do not want to let go.

The more infantile a person is, the longer he gets stuck in a state of experience. Just as at school he liked to lie in bed when he got sick, feeling sorry for himself and accepting the sympathy of others, so here he goes to bed with self-pity. Finally, something like a good reason for self-pity has been found. And in such a state after parting, a person, if desired, can remain for many years. But what's the point?

In fact, there is not a single valid reason for such relaxation. Adults, mentally healthy people never relieve themselves of their responsibility to themselves and other people. After all, both other people and ourselves need us. They are needed not only healthy and capable, but also strong, joyful, capable of supporting and delighting others.

Therefore, adults, mentally healthy people do not get stuck even in such a serious trauma as the experience of the death of a loved one. No one but our enemies needs our tears, physical and mental illness and suicide. All our near and far, living and dead, we need strong and joyful.

Therefore, our task is to rejoice. And not sometime later, when everything will work out, and we will start a family with one of the heirs of the British royal house. You need to rejoice right now. There is no good reason not to. We are alive, able to work, we can love, God loves us, and He gave us many abilities that it is high time to use.

Leave feedback ( Priest Iliya Shugaev)
The fact that there is only one love in life was invented by romantics ( Priest Andrey Lorgus)
The love of God will fill the lack of all other love ( Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
You need to understand and accept yourself ( Psychologist Irina Karpenko)

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Few have ever in their life had the opportunity to part with the closest and dearest person in the world for a long time.

This almost always becomes a serious test, especially if you cannot imagine life without a second half. How to spend the days of separation with minimal moral damage?

The modern tense rhythm of life dictates its own rules. So sometimes you have to agree to a temporary separation from your loved one - because of study, work, housing or some difficult life situations. In the event that two are only testing their feelings, these partings are very difficult: suspicions, doubts and thoughts arise on how to keep a loved one.

In any case, separation is always associated with mental anguish, especially for someone who was not the initiator. It happens that resentment or the fire of passion flares up with even greater force, and then it becomes completely unbearable to wait. A couple, who will have to part for a while, should study the experience of "seasoned" lovers who know exactly how to get over the separation.

We cannot live without each other!

At the thought of separation, the question immediately arises: how long can a couple hold out while maintaining strong feelings? And stay, as a matter of fact, a couple. The results of statistical surveys showed that 17% of the respondents are ready to endure separation in three months; 27% believe that feelings last no more than six months; 36% are ready for a one-year separation. Desperate romantics, who made up 15%, believe in the ability to love at a distance for two whole years. Finally, the remaining 5% of the soul hope that lovers and five years of separation are not a hindrance.

Here you need to understand that parting is not parting, and its reason is of great importance. When the goal for which you have to endure the separation is extremely important for both of you, when the decision to break up is made together, when neither of the parties is morally infringed upon, then perhaps the temporary separation will only make your relationship stronger and allow you to check it out for strength.

but on the other hand

Even if you feel very bad, you must remember that love agony brings a spiritual experience that nothing can replace. Everyone dreams of experiencing great love, but for some reason no one is preparing for possible troubles and heartache. The other side of the coin that is present in love is sadness. If you are a strong person or consider yourself to be one, learn from your negative experiences.

Of course, suffering is also different. Sometimes they do not enrich the personality, but destroy it, turning into a masochistic complex. A person no longer sees anything around him, except for his own sufferings, he revels in them, while poisoning his existence and the lives of loved ones. Such fanatical love threatens with neurosis, headaches, fainting, and decreased immunity. According to modern psychologists, passionate love can be equated with diseases such as alcoholism and drug addiction. Therefore, it is better not to bring yourself to a severe depressive state when separated from your loved one.

The first days are the hardest

At this time, you are not yet used to the fact that the second half is not around. However, try to think as optimistically as possible. No need to stock up on handkerchiefs and sob while watching your favorite melodrama - this will only irritate yourself. Better watch a new comedy or invite friends you haven't seen for a long time. One should look for an answer not to a meaningless question: "How can I live without her (him)?"

The first days of separation are great for planning your breakup activities. It's no secret that the absence of a loved one gives a good opportunity to "unload" your personal time a little. Remember what you chronically did not have enough time for, what you have long dreamed of, what unfinished business you have. Just make a daily plan of your actions - and start implementing it.

Focus on yourself

It must be admitted: when your loved one was around, most of your energy went into the furnace of relationships. Now is the time to take care of yourself exclusively! Women should be advised to take baths, go for a massage, facial cleansing, manicure and pedicure, and go shopping.

Strengthen yourself spiritually: someone is trying to support those in need of help, someone is engaged in meditation, and someone is put into a peaceful state of mind by simply contemplating glare on the water or classical music.

Surround yourself with family during this difficult time. If your relationship with family and friends has suffered significantly due to the fact that you devoted most of the time to your soul mate, then now is the best period to restore old ties.

Positive and positive again!

It is no coincidence that many people choose the option of outdoor activities when they are away. This is quite justified: joyful emotions help to dull, or even completely smooth out the bitterness of parting.

Have you seen your best friend for a long time? Couldn't make time to go to the city beach or see the movies? Have you dreamed of having a noisy party at home? Use the time of separation to meet friends, have fun with them.

Consolation at work is also a great method, as some of us find it much easier to deal with separation and any misfortunes in general by keeping ourselves busy. So distracting thoughts from loving productive activities is an excellent way out. Take additional work home, stay late in the office, finish the "tails", take on a new project, solve the accumulated issues with your bosses and colleagues.

Of course, here, too, a reasonable measure must be observed. Don't turn into a workaholic! An overemphasis on work will lead to overwork, physical exhaustion and stress. And then, finally returning home, your half will find there a person exhausted and exhausted by work - and you hardly want to present such a surprise.

A forgotten hobby will also come to the rescue in the fight against depression. Feel free to get a loose scarf or sketchbook with paints from the distant drawers. It will be even better to discover something new for yourself, something that you never thought of doing before. So, unexpectedly for yourself, you can get carried away with floriculture or some kind of extreme sport.

Experiment, look for an activity that can please you.
Separation from a loved one is not a reason to be sad. This time can be used to implement old plans, new discoveries and achievements, devote it to yourself and fulfill your desires.

Little Tricks Against Longing

If, despite everything, you feel loneliness and unbearable melancholy in separation, then there are many psychological techniques that help get rid of negative experiences.

It's about small romantic and sentimental tricks that will help to maintain tender feelings and emotional closeness in separation. To feel the presence of your loved one even when they are not there, you can continue to do the usual things that you did together before separation, such as jogging in the morning.

Tell your loved one about your achievements, and let him talk about his successes. Previously, to make it easier to survive the separation, you had to write letters and order long-distance calls. And today the Internet gives lovers a lot of opportunities to communicate in real time and see each other on monitors. From time to time, you can arrange to watch films together at a distance.

If you both love to read, send each other the books you read and liked with personal notes, and the more intimate they are, the better. Honest messages sent to personal mail also revive the senses. So do not skimp on emotions and often write warm words to each other that make your heart melt.

In every separation - a new meeting!

When the time of separation flies by (great if you spend it usefully), you will need to adequately prepare for the return of your loved one. Tidy up your home, prepare a delicious dinner, or order a restaurant table. Be sure to prepare some kind of surprise - flowers, a poster (for example, "Welcome back!"), A nice gift. Let your loved one understand how important the moment of the meeting is for you. Yes, and such troubles will be pleasant to you.

If your efforts have paid off, and your feelings have not cooled down, an adaptation period awaits you, which will not only consist in enjoying physical intimacy, inaccessible to both for many months. Sincere conversations, common everyday affairs (shopping, cooking dinner or walking in the park), in which romance reappeared, will become the apotheosis of happiness after a long wait for a meeting.

Live

I understand that this is really unexpected advice. But in fact, all recommendations to start new businesses, do good, take up a career, have a cat, a lover, fleas are just ways to distract yourself. Let's take it as a fact: you broke up, you may feel good, bad, awful, great from this. But you still live. And live.

At every moment when you want to crawl under the covers, hide, wake up, when this is over - live. Say to yourself: “This is me, this is my face, my body, my work, my children, my cats, my dogs. I do not disappear because someone left or something ended. I still have it. I live". Don't take sensitivity away from yourself - face pain too. Society and the world teach us not to touch what hurts, but numbness is the same paralysis: the less you feel, the less you live.

Accept your own "stupidity"

You will be given a lot of advice: don't call him, call him, tell her, don't tell her, make a hundred dates, have a drink, buy a new dress, get a new haircut. And you will behave illogically. Perhaps even in the way that you yourself consider unnecessary and wrong. You call him, don’t call him, don’t tell her, tell her, don’t make a date, don’t get drunk (get drunk), don’t buy a dress or cut your hair. With a difficult parting, the sights are knocked down and for some time decisions are made under the influence of the moment, and not a qualitative study of the current conditions. Accept this.

If you feel bad, don't be afraid

Yes, you feel bad and there is no other reality. You are suffering, crying, praying. If a loved one was important and good, it should be bad. When you lose a hundred rubles, you get upset, and when you lose someone important, it would be rather cynical to shake things up and move on. But it does mean that you had something of value. You can, of course, cry here and say that "now no ...". And cry. But it was. Over time, this fact will become more important. The sooner you start to appreciate it, the better.

Write a list

All psychologists recommend writing lists, why am I worse? For example, "11 of my favorite socks of the ex" or "17 plans for the future without this goat." Write any list - his or her merits, demerits, pluses, minuses, just some extraneous list - shopping, for example. Make an estimate for the renovation of the parents' dacha, finally.

Okay, this is almost a joke point. But if you love making lists, be sure to. Because structuring the situation helps to cope with chaos and high levels of feelings: when we make lists, the analytical part of the brain works more. In addition, a repair estimate will always come in handy.

Ground yourself

With strong feelings, a person seems to soar - stands on his toes, does not breathe, does not feel his body. Exhale. Stand firmly on your feet. Feel your body. Remember your name, how old you are, what education you have, what food you loved most as a child.

Know: there are no irreplaceable

Think back to your good experiences before and without this person. There are no such? Can not be. But what about that favorite food in childhood? You have lived without this person for many years: you went to the park with friends, skipped math, got two marks, earned money.

Maybe life or meeting with this particular person is the best thing that has happened to you at the moment. But not the only good and certainly not the only good that will be in your life. At least if you decide so.

Go to therapy

No, really. Go to a psychologist, tell him everything, cry, be angry, find a connection with your mom, dad and what your grandmother (great-grandmother) experienced during the war. Maybe this is your family scenario? A self-fulfilling prophecy? Narcissistic trauma? Separation failed? An addiction complicated by depression and binge eating disorder? Maybe you are generally the sickest person in the world? And you think it's all because of unhappy love.

But seriously, psychologists are such special people who exist to help those who feel bad. They study for 15 years to sit right next to you and talk about what is wrong. Probably not in vain.

Swear

And you can do it on me too, because, probably, if you have strong feelings, then any texts seem useless. Do not forget about your aggression, this is very important. Because there is not only pain, but also anger - that you are in such a situation, that he (she) is not smart enough (smart), for a thousand things.

Ask for help and support

A psychologist is good, but it’s even better if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, colleagues, classmates, parents, someone who can hold your hand at a particularly sensitive moment. Sometimes it may seem that you are all bored with your story, and it is scary to turn to someone again for help. But this is a very important occupation.

Hope

Maybe not even a new love. Just for something good: a trip to an interesting place, entering a university, changing jobs, a new season of your favorite TV series - in general, for something that will bring you joy. Try to restore your favorite activities, or at least just build yourself some kind of new but stable schedule. Hope and faith in the future is one of the foundations of recovery.