Hello dear readers! When loved ones die, loved ones are a great sorrow, which is very difficult to endure. At this moment, words of participation, words of support from people around are important. But not all people know how to express condolences. The advice of experts collected in this article will help you.

mourning words

Condolence- these are sympathetic words of grief that are expressed to a person who has suffered a loss. On a subconscious level, we approximately know how to behave in pleasant life situations, what words to say on holidays, birthdays. And we don’t know what to say about death, we are immediately lost, especially when we are not ready for such a loss.

For most people, such events are difficult to understand and accept, so words are not immediately found that could help a person come to terms with the death of a loved one.

We all understand that those people who have suffered a loss are so vulnerable that they feel any insincerity in words.

At this moment, they are looking for participation, support, so it is important to follow the phrases so that an accidentally escaped word does not add heartache.

Sometimes it is better to remain silent, come up, just hug a person, thereby showing your sympathy and understanding of the loss.

We will try to help you in choosing the right words that will give the person a sense of your support and sincere sympathy.

In your words, depth, sincerity, readiness to help should be heard. A heartbroken person will not be able to understand your long speech, so the words of grief should be short, but capacious.

It is important to sympathize personally in a timely manner, send a telegram or send SMS. But you can resort to SMS only as a last resort. SMS fails to convey the sincerity of your participation. Do not choose template texts, it is better to write from the heart, in your own words.

Find short words of comfort, support. You can compose a verse, but on the first day of the death of a person close to someone, you are unlikely to find understanding. If you are relatives, you are obliged to remember all the anniversaries of death. By the first anniversary, you can write your sincere verse next to the photograph of the deceased. It will be appropriate!

In connection with the death of any person in a cemetery or at a memorial table, speeches must be made. In this case, mention the virtues of the deceased.

Say that it will be hard not to remember him when you complete a project he has not finished or when you go fishing, barbecue, and so on.

If this is a woman, then say that bachelorette parties will not take place without her or there will be no one to take the embroidery pattern from. There is something good and sincere to say about every person.

Famous mournful phrases

• “Let the earth rest in peace” - is pronounced immediately after the burial or at the commemoration.
• "The pain of loss cannot be expressed in words."
• "Sincerely condolences and sympathy for your grief."
• "Please accept my sincere condolences on the death of a loved one."
• “Let us keep in our hearts the bright memory of the deceased.”

Help Offers

Help can be offered to everyone: a friend, colleagues, acquaintances. How to offer help:

• “We will always be by your side, we will provide all possible assistance to you and your family.”
• "When resolving issues that may arise these days, you can count on our help."
• "I'll be there, count on my help."

Sorrowful words of support at the death of a grandmother, mother

• I share your pain of loss, I experience with you, I remember ___ in the most sincere words!
• It's hard to accept the loss! It hurts to think that __ is not with us, but a bright memory will always remind us of her!
• In memory of your mother, you must (should) hold on. She will always take care of you. Everlasting memory ___!

On the death of father, grandfather

• “Accept my sincere condolences, I deeply sympathize, I worry with you. Father (grandfather) was a real support for you and your family.
• “Your father was a strong personality. In memory of him, you must show wisdom, endure great grief, continue what he did not complete.
• “We will carry the good memory of this bright man through our whole lives.”

How to Express Condolences on the Death of a Husband

• Condolences from the bottom of my heart! You walked side by side through life, hand in hand, and now you got this bitter loss. You need to hold on for the sake of the children, find the strength in yourself to survive the most difficult days of your life. I will be your support. Be strong!
• The loss is irreparable, but God will give strength to endure this grief. We will keep the brightest memory of __!
• It's hard to find words to console you. The loss is irreparable, but we will always be there, you know that!
• For the sake of your children, their well-being, peace of mind, you need to find the strength in yourself to cope with immeasurable grief. We must live, your love is not dead, it is immortal!
• Eternal memory to a bright, kind person!

On the death of a friend, brother

• It is difficult to come to terms with the loss of a young guy who has not known the many joys of life. Eternal memory to him!
• You must become a double support to your parents, for yourself and for your brother. Hold on, be strong, support your parents
• He has not left our hearts, we will remember him as long as we are alive!

Condolences to relatives

• Please accept our sincere condolences. It hurts to say, it is impossible to reconcile. Bright memory!
• Any words will not resurrect a loved one, but we are always there. Everlasting memory!
• What man left this world! The grief is immeasurable. She lived modestly, and left, quietly and modestly, as if a candle had burned out. Heavenly kingdom to her!

These short mourning words can be sent in writing by ordering a telegram or by writing SMS.

Condolences to a friend

• Your grief is my grief. I am ready to share with you the bitterness of loss and always come to the rescue. Count on me! Let's pray together for the soul of the deceased!
• You are in pain now, but time heals, and I am ready to support you with everything I can. You can rely on me, count on my help!
• A friend didn't want you to sag. Be strong for your friendship and count on my support. I will share your grief!
• I'm truly sorry! But you have to hold on, a friend looks down from heaven and supports you. Be strong!

words of support for a friend

• Girlfriend, I will pray for the repose of the soul __ with you. Prayer will help you get through this grief!
• Your grief shook me to the core. I suffer with you. I am grateful to fate for allowing me to meet such a wonderful person as your mother.
• Please accept my condolences and deep respect for your deceased father. It is difficult to find words when I see you lost from the bitterness of loss. I will always be there, let's pray for him together.
• I was shocked by such terrible news. I will never forget with what joy she greeted the guests, she was a kind and reliable friend for everyone. I sympathize and cry with you!

Words of consolation to a colleague

• I am overwhelmed by the death of someone close to you. I will pray for his soul.
• Please accept our most sincere condolences. May God reward her for good deeds on earth, and we will pray.
• This tragedy shocked us, we sincerely worry and offer our help.
• We are shocked by this sad news. It is hard for us to believe that you are no longer with a close, dear person. We share with you the bitterness of loss, sincerely mourn with you. Everlasting memory!
• It is hard to lose loved ones, but the death of a mother is the greatest grief in the world. We grieve with you!

Short words on the occasion of the death of loved ones

Condolence examples:

• I was shocked by the incredible news. It is impossible to accept and reconcile. Hold on!
• I share with you the pain of loss.
• The announcement of his death was a terrible blow. I empathize with you.
• The deceased meant a lot to us. Let's remember and honor!
• Grief can confuse the mind. Hold on, the dead would not approve of your tears.

Mourning words for Muslims and Orthodox

Life does not stand still ... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone has died among relatives and friends, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person, express their condolences and sympathy to him. Condolence- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude to the experiences, misfortune of another, expressed in words - orally or in writing - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave so as not to offend, not to hurt, not to cause even more suffering?

The word condolence speaks for itself. This, to put it simply, is not so much a ritual as " co joint disease". Let this not surprise you. In fact, grief is a disease. This is a very difficult, painful condition for a person, and it is well known that "grief shared is half grief." Condolence usually goes along with sympathy ( Compassion - joint feeling, general feeling) From this it is clear that condolence is the sharing of grief with a person, an attempt to take on part of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolences are not only words, the presence next to the grieving, but also deeds that are aimed at comforting the mourner.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving, but also written, when a person who cannot express it directly for some reason expresses his sympathy in writing.

Also, offering condolences is in various cases part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, firms. Condolences are also used in the diplomatic protocol, when it is expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Oral condolences to the grieving

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Oral condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, colleagues to those who were closer to the deceased by family, friendship and other ties. Oral condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral, commemoration).

The first and most important condition for expressing verbal condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, behind which there is no work of the soul and sincere sympathy. Otherwise, condolence turns into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving, but in many cases causes him additional pain. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon these days. I must say that people in grief subtly feel lies that at other times they will not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to speak empty and false words in which there is no warmth.

How to Express Condolences:

To express condolences, please consider the following:

• You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings to the grieving and in expressing warm words to the deceased.
• Remember that condolences can often be expressed in more than just words. If you cannot find the right words, condolences can be expressed by what your heart tells you. In some cases, it is quite enough to touch the grieving. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. Condolences who are not in close relations with the family of the deceased or knew him little during his lifetime can also do so. It is enough for them to shake hands with their relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolence.
• It is very important when expressing condolences not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to back up these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Sympathetic people at all times have understood that their words without deeds can turn out to be dead, formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and the grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the housework and organization of the funeral, this is all possible financial assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many other types of assistance. Actions will not only reinforce your words, but also make life easier for the grieving, and also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolence, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight, sincerity.

How to find the right words to express condolences

Finding the right, sincere, accurate, words of condolence that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to pick them up? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolence, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us, draws our attention to God, Whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can later say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before you go to offer condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but it will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both for the person to whom we will bring condolences, and for the deceased himself. It is these resentments and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary in prayer to forgive those whom you are offended by, and then the necessary words will come by themselves.

• Before you say words of comfort to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolence to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys that he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After that, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolences.

• Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or those people) with whom you are going to express condolence are feeling now.

Think about their experiences, the degree of their loss, their inner state at the moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, then the right words will come by themselves. You will only have to say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences are addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should in no way affect your attitude towards the grieving. You cannot know the degree of repentance (present and future) of this person or people.

The expression of condolences is not only the sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person says words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly apologize for what you consider yourself guilty of to the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of verbal condolences

Here are some examples of verbal condolences. We want to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use exclusively ready-made stamps, because. the person to whom you bring condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

• He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you.
• Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
• There are no words to express your grief. She meant a lot in your life and mine. Never forget…
• It is very hard to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
• I'm sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very happy. I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...
• Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, this has to be experienced. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.
• This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. You, of course, are now the hardest of all. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together.
• Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were. Excuse me! I grieve with you.
• This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
• It's hard to put into words how much good he did me. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and mourn with you. I will gladly help you at any time.

I would like to emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without pomposity, pathos, theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who try to somehow support the grieving, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCE for PEOPLE EXPERIENCED THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of mourning, which usually begins from the first day and can end on days 9-40 of loss (if mourning is normal). ALL ADVICE IN THIS ARTICLE IS GIVEN WITH CALCULATION EXACTLY ON SUCH Grieving.

As we have already said, the most important thing is that condolences should not be formal. We must try not to speak (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that when expressing condolences, empty, banal, meaningless and tactless phrases do not sound. It is important to note that in an effort to console a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made that not only do not console, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, disappointment on the part of the grieving. This is because a psychologically grieving person in the shock stage of grief experiences, perceives and feels everything differently. That is why it is better not to make mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of frequently common phrases that, according to experts, it is not recommended to speak when expressing condolences to a person who is in an acute phase of grief:

You can't "comfort" the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(if the child died)," You are beautiful, then will you still get married"(if the husband died), etc. is a completely tactless statement for a mourner. He had not yet mourned, had not experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he is experiencing the pain of a real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is told about. Therefore, such a “consolation” from a person who may think that in this way he gives hope to the grieving, is in fact tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry everything will pass" - people who utter such words of "sympathy" give completely wrong attitudes to the grieving. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to respond to his emotions, to hide pain and tears. A grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or establish himself) to think that crying is bad. This can be extremely difficult to affect both the psycho-emotional, somatic state of the mourner, and the entire life of the crisis. Usually the words “don’t cry, you need to cry less” are said by those people who do not understand the feelings of the mourner. This most often happens because the "sympathizers" themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving, and they, trying to get away from this trauma, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person constantly cries for more than a year, then this is already a reason to contact a specialist, but if a grieving person expresses his grief for several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Don't worry, Everything will be fine” is another rather empty statement that the condoling person imagines as optimistic and even hopeful for the mourner. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement in a completely different way. He does not see the good yet, he does not strive for it. For now, he doesn't really care what happens next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a dear person. And therefore, such empty optimism will annoy him rather than help.

« It's bad, but time heals.”- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who utters it himself can understand. God can heal the soul, prayer, good deeds, deeds of mercy and alms, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt, get used to it. In any case, it is pointless to say this to the mourner when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing the loss, does not make plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed with time. He thinks it will always be like this. That is why such a phrase causes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Let's give a metaphor: for example, a child hit hard, experiences severe pain, cries, and they say to him, "It's bad that you hit, but let it comfort you that it will heal before the wedding." Do you think this will calm the child or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

It is impossible, when expressing condolences, to pronounce wishes to the mourner, which are oriented to the future. For example, “I wish you to go to work faster”, “I hope that you will soon restore your health”, “I wish you to recover faster after such a tragedy”, etc. First, these forward-looking wishes are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given as such. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which, in a state of acute grief, a person still does not see yet. So, these phrases will go, at best, into the void. But it is possible that the mourner will perceive this as your call to him to end his mourning, which he simply cannot physically do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the mourner.

It is impossible to find positive elements in the tragedy and devalue the loss

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, suggesting positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding some benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss - most often also does not console the grieving. The bitterness of loss from this does not become less, a person perceives what happened as a disaster

“That's better for him. He was sick and exhausted" Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person who is experiencing grief. Even if the mourner acknowledges the truth of this statement, the pain of loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases, this can provoke a grieving resentment towards the departed - "You feel good now, you do not suffer, but I feel bad." Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of mourning can be a source of guilt in the mourner.

Often, when expressing condolences, such statements are made: “It’s good that the mother didn’t get hurt”, “It’s hard, but you still have children.” They, too, should not be said to the grieving. The arguments that are given in such statements are also not able to reduce the pain of a person from loss. Of course, he understands that everything could be worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. A mother cannot replace a dead father, and a second child cannot replace the first.

Everyone knows that it is impossible to console a victim of a fire with the fact that his house burned down, but the car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in the most terrible form.

"Hold on, because others are worse off than you"(it happens even worse, you are not the only one, how much evil is around - many suffer, here you have a husband, and their children died, etc.) - also a fairly common case in which a condolence tries to compare the grieving with the one, “ who is worse off." At the same time, he relies on the fact that the grieving person will understand from this comparison that his loss is not the worst, which can be even harder, and thus the pain of the loss will decrease.

This is an unacceptable approach. It is impossible to compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of other people. Firstly, for a normal person, if everything around is bad, then this does not improve, but rather worsens the person's condition. Second, a grieving person cannot compare himself to others. For now, his grief is the bitterest. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to do harm than good.

You can't look for "extreme"

When expressing condolences, one cannot say or mention that the death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Oh, if we sent him to the doctor”, “why didn’t we pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you hadn’t left, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if we wouldn’t let him go”, etc.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause in a person who is already very worried, an additional feeling of guilt, which then will have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find the "guilty", "extreme" in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom we offer condolences “guilty”.

Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are statements that are completely inappropriate when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished”, “this driver should be killed (put on trial)”, “these terrible doctors should be judged. These statements (fairly or unfairly) place the blame on someone else, are a condemnation of another. But the appointment of a guilty person, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, cannot at all alleviate the pain of loss. Punishing the guilty person in death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements introduce the mourner into a state of intense aggression against the person responsible for the death of a loved one. But experts in grief know that a grieving person can turn aggression against the guilty person at any moment on himself, than to make himself even worse. So you should not pronounce such phrases, kindling a fire of hatred, condemnation, aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

"God gave, God took"- another frequently used "comfort", which actually does not console at all, but simply shifts the "blame" for the death of a person to God. It must be understood that a person who is in an acute stage of grief is least of all concerned about the question of who took a person out of his life. Suffering in this acute phase will not be relieved by what God has taken and not another. But the most dangerous thing is that, by offering to shift the blame to God in this way, one can cause aggression in a person, not good feelings towards God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, as well as the soul of the deceased, is just an appeal to God in prayer. And it is obvious that in this way additional difficulties appear for this, if you consider God to be “guilty”. Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in the hands of God”. The only exception is such a condolence addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God's providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, the mention of this can really be a consolation.

“It happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like this” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding a grieving person of the shortcomings of a person who has died not only does not console, but, on the contrary, makes the loss even more tragic, develops a sense of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses “condolences” in this way, completely undeservedly puts himself in the role of a judge who not only knows the cause, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, linking certain causes with the effect. This characterizes the sympathizer as ill-mannered, thinking a lot about himself, stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” by condemnation, evaluation is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless "condolences" it is necessary to remember the well-known rule "About the dead, it's either good, or nothing."

Other Common Mistakes When Expressing Condolences

Often condoling say the phrase "I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you" This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you have had similar situations and you think that you experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand the physical pain of another, except for the one who experiences it. And the soul of everyone hurts too especially. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the bereaved, even if you have experienced such a thing. You should not compare feelings. You cannot feel the same as him. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. It’s better to limit yourself to the words “I can only guess how bad you feel”, “I see how you grieve”

It is strictly not recommended to be tactlessly interested in details when expressing sympathy. "How did it happen?" “Where did it happen?”, “And what did he say before his death?”. This is no longer an expression of condolence, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not hurt him (but this, of course, does not mean that you cannot talk about the loss at all).

It happens that with condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the mourner to more easily survive the grief - “You know that I feel bad too”, “When my mother died, I also almost lost my mind "," I, too, like you. I feel very bad, my father also died, ”etc. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and the desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your sadness is not worth it. In this way, a multiplication of sorrow and pain can occur, a mutual induction, which not only does not improve, but can even worsen the condition. As we have already said, for a person it is a small consolation that others are also bad.

Often condolences are expressed with phrases that are more like appeals - “ We must live for the sake of”, “You must endure”, “You must not”, “you need, you need to do”. Such appeals, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when the call was practically the only understandable form of address to a person. Such appeals to duty for a person who is in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause misunderstanding and irritation in him. A person who feels grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of experiences, and he is also obligated to something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that he is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, to convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express sympathy in poetry. This gives condolences pomp, insincerity and pretense, and at the same time does not contribute to the achievement of the main goal - the expression of sympathy, the sharing of grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolence a touch of theatricality, play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not clothed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grief psychologist A.D. wolfelt also gives the following advice on what NOT to do when dealing with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The refusal of the grieving person to talk or offer help should not be regarded as a personal attack against you or against your relationship with him. It must be understood that the grieving at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, be in a state of feelings that are very difficult to assess for another person. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from the failures of such a person. Be merciful to him. Wait until he gets back to normal.

It is impossible to move away from a person, depriving him of his support, to ignore him. A grieving person may perceive this as your unwillingness to communicate, as a rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are afraid, if you are afraid to be imposed, if you are modest, then consider these features of the grieving. Don't ignore him, but go and talk to him.

You can not be afraid of intense emotions and leave the situation. Often sympathetic people are frightened by the strong emotions of the grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you can not show that you are scared and move away from these people. It may also be misunderstood by them.

Do not try to speak to those who are grieving without touching their feelings. A person who experiences acute grief is in the grip of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will not have any result. This is because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring their feelings. If you talk to a person without touching his feelings, then it will be like talking in different languages.

You can not use force (squeeze in arms, grab hands). Sometimes condolences involved in grief can lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the mourner. Strong manifestations of emotions, squeezing in an embrace.

Condolence: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules state that “often the death of a loved one is notified not only to relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and commemoration, but also to comrades and just distant acquaintances. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or pay a visit to the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in the mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If a mourning message is sent in writing, then the person who received it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family to express condolences in person, stay close to the grieving, offer help, comfort.

But people who were not at the mourning ceremonies should also express their condolences. Based on tradition, a condolence visit should be paid within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When attending a funeral or condolence visit, wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes they just put on a dark coat over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. It is not customary during a condolence visit to discuss any other issues not related to death, tactlessly talk about abstract topics, recalling funny stories, or discuss service problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain your relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief they have suffered, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot pay a personal visit for some reason, then a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message should be sent.

Written expression of condolence

How to express condolences in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's dwell on this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, an applicant for the topic “Ideological Aspects of Life”, writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and the nobility, one can find samples of consolatory letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolence (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of notice, love, instructive, imperative. Letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolence, letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. Here is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the position of others, to understand and take their grief and joy to heart was one of the best traits in the character of the king. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son, and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son's escape abroad—one must read these heartfelt letters in order to see to what heights of delicacy and moral sensitivity this ability to be imbued with another's grief could raise even an unstable person. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who then served as governor in Kazan, died of a fever almost in front of the king. The tsar wrote to his old father to console him, and, among other things, he wrote: “And you, our boyar, should not grieve beyond measure, but it’s impossible not to grieve and cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God don't get angry." The author of the letter did not confine himself to a detailed account of the unexpected death and an abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist, he also added: "Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Do not grieve, but trust in God and be reliable in us.(Klyuchevsky V. O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of everyday noble life. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means of not only conveying information, but also expressing feelings, emotions, and assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. Letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on speech turns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality and emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows you to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and lifestyle, circle of friends and interests of the writer, the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group is letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more of an emotional assessment of the event of death that had occurred, rather than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually comforting letters. They were often in response to a letter of notice. But even if the mourner did not send a letter of notice of the death of his relative, the letter of consolation was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of commemoration of the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of consolation, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious ideas, receded into the background in secular society. The topic of death to some extent passed into the category of taboo. At the same time, the culture of condolence and sympathy has also been lost; there is a void in this area. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Letters of consolation have moved into the category of formal etiquette, but have not completely left the communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, so-called "Letters" began to be published to help those writing on a difficult topic. These were guides on writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write, arrange a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, examples of letters, phrases and expressions were given for various life situations, including deaths, expressions of condolences. "Comforting letters" - one of the sections of the letters, giving advice on how to support the grieving, to express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the mourner, to console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a letter of reassurance necessarily required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing letters of consolation in one of the 18th-century scribes, The General Secretary, or the new complete scribe. (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
letters of consolation “In this kind of writing, the heart must be touched and say one thing, without the help of the mind. ... You can dismiss yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no most commendable custom how to console each other in sorrows. Fate brings us so many misfortunes that we would act inhumanly if we did not mutually give such relief to each other. When the person to whom we are writing indulges in excess in her sadness, then instead of suddenly holding back the first of her tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters, you can use the features of moralizing and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and condition of the writer, to whom they write. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice rather than mourn over someone's death, it is better to leave such lively ideas. I confess that it is not allowed to adjust to the secret feelings of their heart in a frank manner: decency forbids this; prudence requires in such cases both to spread and to leave great condolences. In other cases it is possible to speak at greater length about disasters inseparable from the human condition. In general, to say: what kind of misfortunes does not each of us suffer in this life? Weakness makes you work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more common than to see tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend.

And this is how the samples of consolation letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My sovereign! I have the honor to write this letter to you, not in order to relieve you of your lamentation, for your sorrow is very correct, but in order to offer you my services, and all that depends on me, or rather, to mourn in common with you. the death of your beloved husband. He was a friend to me and proved his friendship by innumerable good deeds. Consider, madam, whether I have no reason to regret him and to join my tears with your tears of our common sadness. Nothing can comfort my sorrow but complete submission to the will of God. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the blessedness of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you will be of my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, yet it is necessary to console yourself with his heavenly well-being and prefer it to your short-term pleasure here. Honor him with eternal content in your memory, imagining his virtues and the love he had for you in his life. Amuse yourself with the upbringing of your children, in whom you see him come to life. If it happens sometimes to shed a tear for him, then believe that I am crying about him together with you, and all honest people communicate their pity with yours, between whom he gained love and respect for himself, so that he will never be in their memory. will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my sovereign! Your…"

The tradition of condolence has not died in our time, when the culture of attitude towards death is similar in all respects to past centuries. Today, as before, we can observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The embarrassment experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, condolences translate the theme of death into the category of undesirable, uncomfortable aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more of an element of etiquette than a sincere need for empathy. Probably for this reason, “writers” still exist today, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, with what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed either. They are still called "writers."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

On the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn the death of... She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and good disposition. We miss her very much and can only guess what a blow her passing was for you. We remember how she once ... . She involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better. ... was a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

On the death of a parent

Expensive …

… Even though I never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his frugality, love of life and how reverently he cared for you, it seems to me that I also knew him. I think a lot of people will miss it. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very happy if you shared your memories of your dad. I think of you and your family.

On the death of a child

… We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it's hard to imagine if there are such words at all. The loss of a child is the worst grief. Please accept our sincere condolences. We pray for you.

On the death of a colleague

Example 1 I was deeply saddened by the news of the death of (name) and I want to express my sincere sympathy to you and other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep regret at his/her passing.

Example 2 It is with deep regret that I learned of the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey my condolences to you on the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3 I would like to express to you our deepest feelings on the death of Ms. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4 We were deeply saddened to learn of the death of Mr....

Example 5 It was a great shock for us to hear the news of the sudden death of Mr.

Example 6 We find it hard to believe the sad news of the death of Mr...

Here is a collection of short condolences and words of sorrow that must be expressed to the relatives and friends of the deceased person. The texts are suitable to be included in public, spoken in private or sent as a short letter. They are also suitable for colleagues, friends and other people who are familiar with the deceased. All texts are not written in verse (in prose), for those who wish to express regret in their own words. Recommendations can be found at the end of the page.

All names, surnames in the texts are used only for the convenience of presentation, do not forget to change them to the ones you need.

Condolences to you and your family. Your mother was a wonderful, wonderful person and you will miss her. I wish you to find peace and comfort... We will pray for you.

Friends, we condole with your loss and mourn with you. There are no words that will bring your loved one back to you, but perhaps life itself will help you get over the loss. We will pray that the Lord will give you patience and strength. Your dad lived well, for a long time, managed a lot, realized himself and left behind many people grateful to him. He will forever live in their hearts as well as in yours. Blessed memory to him.

Friends, today is a day of deep sadness. There was a time when we rejoiced and rejoiced with the departed from us. But today we mourn with you, seeing off a loved one, dear to us, on his last journey. But we will keep in our hearts a good memory of our friend.

I knew him as an amazingly sympathetic, intelligent, human and extraordinary personality. He helped not only me, but also served as a guide and support for many other people on the path of life. Let it comfort you a little that today many grieve with you, who were also left without this ray of light in their lives. You are not alone in this difficult hour. We mourn with you.

Let me offer you my deepest condolences. I am terribly saddened by the death of your mother. She was a smart, kind and empathetic person, and many people, like me, feel that the world is dull without her. I have no words to ease your pain. I'm just sure that your mother would not want you to be so sad.

Please accept the feelings of our deep empathy in connection with the departure of the closest, dearest person, faithful companion in life. A great loss and great sorrow. Be strong, our dear ones, we are always with you.

Together with you, we will forever keep the memory of her in our hearts. She was an amazingly pure, honest, open person, and this earned herself the love, appreciation, gratitude and respect of many people. Your mom is the best of people. We will forever keep her memory in our hearts. Hang in there and accept our deepest sympathy for such a bereavement.

Dear Tatyana!

Please accept our condolences on the death of your father! Words are powerless in such grief ... Know that in this difficult time your colleagues, friends and like-minded people are with you.

Dear Svetlana and Sidor!

We deeply regret the death of your dear grandmother. She was kind, sympathetic and a good woman. We will all miss her greatly. Please accept our sincere condolences. If we can do anything for you, then we are ready to provide any assistance. We pray for you.

We suffered this heavy loss together with you today and mourn with you. Strength and patience to you to survive this difficult time of loss. Remember, everyone once loses a loved one, this pain must be endured. Sometimes the cross becomes very heavy, but it will help one day. Be patient, it will get easier after a while. We condole.

Condolences to your trouble on this mournful day. Our life, unfortunately, is not eternal and no words of consolation will help relieve the pain of loss or return the departed. I wish you strength of mind during this difficult time. May the earth be soft down to him (the deceased). And may the Lord keep you from all troubles.

Your dad was one of the most wonderful and wonderful people I have ever met. I am very lucky to have known him. And now I will miss him greatly, as well as you. I express my deepest condolences to you and your family.

Let me offer you my deepest condolences on the death of your colleague and dear friend Kharitonov Khariton. We deeply empathize and share your pain.

It's hard for us, but especially for you, and we know it. He was your closest friend, it's a huge loss. Your friend was an excellent friend for us too, reliable, faithful, simple and always fair. Please contact us at any time with any requests, we will be there. Let's stick together during this difficult time.

Please accept my condolences on the death of a dear, close and beloved person - mother. Having gone to heaven, she will not cease to be your guardian angel.

He meant a lot to you and to me. I grieve with you.

We express our sincere condolences to the family and friends in connection with the untimely death of Sidor Sidorovich Sidorovich. The death of a loved one is a great grief and a difficult test. Bright memories of a person who lived his life honestly and with dignity, leaving behind the fruits of his good deeds, will always be stronger than death.

With sincere sympathy, the team of Peace to Your Home LLC

We share with you the bitterness of loss. Your father was a wonderful person. His dedication to his work earned him the respect and love of all who knew him. Please accept our sincere condolences.

I grieve with you and express my deepest condolences to all your family, my friend.

We condole with you. He was our colleague, friend and bright professional, without whom our entire team will have a hard time. We are together with you in this great loss. It will serve as a light and guide for us on our professional path. Blessed memory to him.

I offer you and your family my most sincere condolences. Be strong. God rest her soul...

Please accept my sincere condolences on the death of your uncle. And please feel free to ask for any help.

The loss of a father is a heavy loss. Be strong. He was my close friend and often repeated to me that he tried to raise you wise and strong, and would not want you to lose ground under your feet even when he leaves you forever. And also, he wanted you to be able to survive the losses and not forget how to smile after them. Therefore, I wish you strength and patience to go through this mournful time and move on again.

My condolences. The death of a spouse deprives us of our main support and our partner in life. It is very difficult to find words of consolation. Hold on.

Dear friend. The loss of a mother is the hardest loss. This pain is hard to deal with and it is impossible for me to find words that will lessen your pain. I will just be there in your grief, contact me at any moment for any question. And just wait. Time should help a little.

Please accept our sincere condolences. May the Lord reward her in heaven for all the good she has done. She is and will always be in our hearts...

Today you lost your mother - a reliable guardian angel in life. This is the worst loss. And I lost my best friend and support in her person. I grieve with you. Your mom used to tell me how much she loves it when you smile. I'm sure she sees us now and is very sad that you are so sad. May the Lord give you the strength to endure such a loss and restore the joy of life to you. They say that he gives severe trials along with the strength to survive them. Be patient.

Please accept my sympathy. It has never been closer and dearer, and probably never will be. But in yours and in our hearts, he will remain a young, strong, intelligent, kind and cheerful person. Eternal memory to him. Hold on.

This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, you are the hardest. I want to assure you that I will never leave you without support. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together.

This is a difficult time in your life. Let our sympathy and support help you and at least slightly reduce the pain of loss.

It's hard to put into words how much good he did me. All our disputes, disagreements are trifles. And the good that he did - I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and mourn with you.

Condolences to you, this is a huge loss and grief. Remember that a person dies, but love does not. And her memory will always light up our hearts. Brace yourself.

Unfortunately, in our imperfect world, such grief has to be endured. She was a bright person whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.

Words cannot express how we feel with you. It is hard when you lose loved ones, but the death of a mother is a grief against which there is no medicine and words of consolation. Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss.

I would like to find words to relieve you of the pain or at least reduce it a little. But it is difficult to imagine what these words should be and whether such words exist at all. Bright and eternal memory.

I share with you the inconsolable pain of your heavy loss - the death of your beloved grandfather.

May the Lord bless and comfort you and your family during this difficult time of sorrow. Please accept our sincere condolences.

The death of a beloved wife is a bitter loss. It is difficult for me to express in words, but I am always with you. I will support and help you survive. Be strong.

Please accept our heartfelt condolences on the passing of your son. We ask the Almighty to give you the strength to hold on, patience, perseverance and faith.

The loss of a loved one is a huge grief and trial. I sincerely share your pain. Please accept my sincere sympathy and support. God rest his soul.

It is very sad to lose your loved ones and family. It is doubly worse when young, healthy, strong people leave us. Help the Lord to his soul.

I'm sorry she didn't live as long as I would like. I grieve with you, empathize, remember and love.

I share your grief at the loss. You need to find the strength in yourself to survive these most difficult minutes and difficult days. He will remain in our memory forever.

May God give you strength, patience and faith, dear friend. Survive it all.

We are deeply saddened by the news of your father's death. He was a just and strong man, a loyal and sympathetic friend. We knew him well and loved him like family. We mourn with you.

It is difficult to find the right words in this difficult moment. I grieve with you. May it ease your pain a little that few are fortunate enough to experience such a huge and pure love as yours. But let him remain alive in your memory, full of love and strength. Earth rest in peace to him.

I'm just devastated by the loss. It's unbearable to think about it. It's hard to put into words how much I feel for you. My heart is broken along with yours. Be strong.

I can't speak any words of sympathy now because no one is going through your grief the way you are. It just takes time... be patient, it will gradually reduce the pain.

Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my disputes and quarrels with this bright and dear person for me were. Excuse me! I grieve with you.

A person who leaves this earth does not really go anywhere, because he still continues to live in our hearts and minds. Please accept our condolences and know that he will not be forgotten.

I offer you and your family my most sincere condolences. It is very difficult, even when you are preparing for it, at the last moment you are not ready. Rest, Lord, his soul ... and you - hold on. Time will help you...

Please accept our sincere condolences. A terrible, insidious disease that has never been learned to overcome ...

On earth, her path was not easy and full of difficulties, may God take her under his wing and reward her with what she rightfully deserved.

A new star rose in the sky - it was his soul that acquired a new meaning and a new purpose ...

Small consolation, but know that we are with you in grief of loss and sincerely empathize with your entire family. Eternal memory to your sister.

Your father was a very resilient, joyful and optimistic person. I will remember his wisdom forever, it will be difficult for me without him. But it's harder for you. Losing your dad is like losing your ground. There are hardly any words that will ease the pain. Try to remember the resilience of your father and be the same, he would really like this. I will ask the higher powers to protect you from all troubles and that you find solace. I mourn.

The staff of the administration of the Central District of the Troekurovsky village council deeply mourns the irreparable heavy loss - the death of the acting head of the village Tyranozavrov Isaaky Kharitonovich. We express our sincere condolences to relatives and friends, we share their grief, we support them in times of grief.

Be strong! With the loss of a brother, you need to become a support for your parents for two. May God help you get through these difficult days. Blessed memory of a bright man.

Dear Sidor Sidorovich, Tatyana Appolinariyevna and Oscar Platonovich!

On behalf of the board of the open joint-stock company "Kuz'kina Mother" and on my own behalf, I express my deep condolences and sincere sympathy for the grief that has befallen you - the untimely death of your father and brother Zakhar Appolonovich Sidorov.

In this difficult time for you, your family and friends, I share your grief and bitterness of irreparable loss.

Brace yourself. The Almighty called him to him - he takes the best. I grieve with you.

Condolences to you. Losing your grandmother is like losing a piece of the sun in your soul. I will always treasure her memory in my heart. I pray that God will give you warmth and light in your heart, which will help you endure the pain of loss and find solace. Peace to her soul, and peace to your heart.

We are very sad about the death of our dear brother and from the bottom of our hearts express our sincere sympathy and condolences to his dear wife and all his relatives and friends. We pray for God's support for all of you, dear ones.

We believe that by God's will we will meet brother Sidor in the future paradise, which the Lord has prepared for all who love Him (Revelation 2:7)

Please accept my sincere sympathy for your grief. Losing a friend is like losing one wing. After that, it's hard to fly. I pray the Lord to help you cope and teach you to live with this loss. Strength to you, wisdom, good. Eternal memory to him.

I sincerely sympathize with your grief. But remember, losing your mother does not mean losing her love and warmth. May they always warm you, and you - remember her and all the light that she left for you after herself. I know she would love it.

May God give you strength to bear such a heavy loss. I grieve with you. Now it seems to you that no one needs our dead except us, but this is not so. Look around, if they are so unnecessary, then what are we constantly doing at their graves? Why do we visit them, talk, ask for advice and help? And we always get what we ask for. Even after they left us forever... Be patient, it will get easier. And remember - he ceased to be near, but did not leave you. You will see.

• • Reading condolences in verse is considered not entirely appropriate in these circumstances, try to avoid them;

• It is worth bringing words of regret only when it is appropriate. Do not impose them or persecute mourners as a formality. Do it sincerely, with warmth, at the right moment and do not go too far with sincere words to the deceased if you did not know him (otherwise the words will sound hypocritical, it’s better not to say anything at all, not to irritate loved ones - it’s not easy for them anyway);
• If the opportunity to express grief did not present itself, you can arrange any of these texts in the form of a short letter and send it to your loved ones. This will give them the opportunity to read them when it is convenient, and not listen to your sorrows when it is convenient for you.
• Words of condolence are usually formal words... standard, short and similar to each other. You can make them warmer, more cordial and more personal by means of intonation and reminders (briefly) of episodes, small details that connected you with the deceased, gave rise to a warm attitude towards him.
• Do not impose advice and edifications that help you survive the pain of loss. It annoys loved ones. They (advice) should be given only when you are sure and see that they are needed or they are guaranteed to be necessary and will be able to help. Even better, if you do not speak, but do something to alleviate the situation. Since any advice, most likely, will not be correctly perceived, it will remain just an irritant.

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We intuitively and subconsciously understand how to behave in joyful, easy life situations and festive events. But there are events of a tragic nature - the death of a loved one, for example. Many are lost, faced with their unpreparedness for loss, for the majority such events are beyond acceptance and awareness.

People experiencing loss are easily vulnerable, acutely feel insincerity and pretense, their feelings are overwhelmed with pain, they need help to calm it down, accept it, reconcile it, but in no case add pain with an accidentally thrown tactless word, an incorrect phrase.

You need to be able to show increased tact and correctness, sensitivity and condescension. It is better to remain silent, showing a delicate understanding, than to cause additional pain, hurt disturbed feelings, hook on nerves overloaded with experiences.

We will try to help you understand how to behave in a situation where a person next to you has suffered grief - the loss of a loved one, how to condole and find words that make the person feel your support and sincere sympathy.

We must take into account the existing differences in condolences.

The form of expressing condolences for the loss will vary:

• Grandparents, relative;
• mother or father;
• brother or sister;
• son or daughter - child;
• husband or wife;
• boyfriend or girlfriend;
• colleagues, employee.

Because the depth of experiences varies.

Also, the expression of condolences depends on the severity of the grieving person's feelings about what happened:

• Imminent death due to old age;
• inevitable death due to serious illness;
• premature, sudden death;
• tragic death, accident.

But there is the main, general condition, independent of the cause of the death that has come - the genuine sincerity of the expression of your grief.

The condolence itself should be short in form, but deep in content. Therefore, you need to find the most sincere words that accurately convey the depth of your sympathy and your willingness to provide support.

In this article, we will give samples and examples of various forms of expressing condolences, we will help you choose mournful words.

You will need:

Form and method of filing

Condolences will have distinctive features in form and method of presentation, depending on their purpose.

Purpose:

1. Personal condolences to family and friends.
2. Official individual or collective.
3. Obituary in the newspaper.
4. Farewell words of mourning at the funeral.
5. Funeral words at the wake: for 9 days, for the anniversary.

Submission method:

The timeliness factor is important, so the postal delivery method should only be used to send a telegram. Of course, the fastest way to express your condolences is to use modern communication tools: email, Skype, Viber ... but they are suitable for confident Internet users, and these should be not only senders, but also recipients.

Using SMS to show sympathy and empathy is acceptable only if there are no other opportunities for contact with a person, or if the status of your relationship is a distant acquaintance or formal friendship. Follow this link for different occasions.

Submission form:

In writing:

• Telegram;
• email;
• electronic postcard;
• an obituary is a piece of mourning in a newspaper.

In oral form:

• In a telephone conversation;
• in person.

In prose: Suitable for both written and verbal expression of grief.
In verse: Suitable for writing mourning.

Important highlights

All verbal condolences should be short in form.

• Official condolences are more delicately expressed in writing. For this, a heartfelt verse is more suitable, to which you can pick up a photo of the deceased, corresponding electronic pictures and postcards.
• Personal individual condolences must be exclusive, and can be expressed both verbally and in writing.
• For the dearest and closest people, it is important to express or write mournful condolences in your sincere words, not formal, therefore, not stereotyped.
• Since verses are rarely exclusive, exclusively yours, so listen to your heart, and it will prompt you with words of comfort and support.
• Not only words of condolence should be sincere, but also an offer of any help that you can afford: financial, organizational.

Be sure to mention the distinctive personal virtues and character traits of the deceased person that you would like to keep in your memory forever as a model: wisdom, kindness, responsiveness, optimism, love of life, hard work, honesty.…

This will be an individual part of condolence, the main part of which can be formulated according to the approximate model proposed in our article.

Universal mournful texts

1. “Let the earth rest in peace” - this is a traditional ritual phrase that is said after a completed burial, it can be a condolence at a wake, suitable even for atheists.
2. "We all mourn your irreparable loss."
3. "Unspeakable pain from loss."
4. "Sincerely condolences and sympathy for your grief."
5. “Please accept my deepest condolences on the death of a loved one.”
6. “Let us keep in our hearts the bright memory of the deceased wonderful person.”

Help can be offered in the following ways:

• “We are ready to share the burden of your grief, to be close to you and provide the necessary all possible assistance to you and your family.”
• “Surely, you will need to solve a lot of questions. You can count on us, accept our help."

On the death of mother, grandmother

1. "The death of the closest person - mother - is an irreparable grief."
2. "The bright memory of her will forever be in our hearts."
3. “How much we did not have time to tell her during her lifetime!”
4. "We sincerely mourn and condole with you at this bitter moment."
5. "Hold on! In memory of her. She wouldn't want to see you in despair."

On the death of a husband, father, grandfather

• “I offer my sincere condolences and express my deep sympathy for the death of a loved one who was a reliable support for you and your family.”
• “In memory of this strong man, you must show resilience and wisdom in order to survive this grief and continue what he did not have time to complete.”
• "We will carry a bright and kind memory of him through our lives."

On the death of a sister, brother, friend, loved one

1. “It hurts to realize the loss of a loved one, but it is even more difficult to come to terms with the departure of young people who have not known life. Everlasting memory!"
2. “Let me express my most sincere condolences on the occasion of a heavy, irreparable loss!”
3. “Now you have to become a support for your parents! Remember this and hold on!”
4. “God help you survive and endure the pain of this loss!”
5. “For the sake of your children, their peace and well-being, you need to cope with this grief, find the strength to live and learn to look to the future.”
6. "Death does not take away love, your love is immortal!"
7. "Blessed memory of a wonderful person!"
8. "He will forever remain in our hearts!"

If you are at a distance, find out via SMS. Select the appropriate message and send to the recipient.

On the death of a colleague

• “We have worked side by side over the past few years. He was an excellent colleague and an example for young colleagues. His professionalism served as an example for many. You will forever remain in our memory as an example of life wisdom and honesty. May the earth rest in peace for you!
• “Her/his dedication to her work earned her/him the respect and love of all who knew her/him. He/She will forever remain in my memory.”
• “You were a wonderful collaborator and friend. How we will miss you. May the earth rest in peace for you!
• "I can't bear the thought that you're gone. It seems like only recently we were drinking coffee, discussing work and laughing ... I will miss you, your advice and crazy ideas very much.

On the death of a believer

The text of condolences may contain the same mournful words as for a secular person, but an Orthodox Christian should add:

• ritual phrase:

"Kingdom of heaven and eternal rest!"
"God is merciful!"

My dear, I am very sorry for your grief. Condolences ... Be strong!
My friend, I mourn your loss. I know this is a hard blow for you and your family. I offer my sincere condolences.
- A wonderful man is gone. My condolences to you, my dear, and to all your family at this sad and difficult moment.
This tragedy hurt all of us. But of course, it touched you the most. Accept my condolences.

How to condole in Islam (Muslims)?

It is Sunnah to express condolences in Islam. However, it is undesirable for the relatives of the deceased to gather in one place to accept condolences. The main purpose of expressing condolences is to call people who have suffered misfortune to patience and contentment with the predestination of Allah. The words that should be said when expressing condolences are: "May Allah grant you beautiful patience and may He forgive the sins of your deceased (your deceased)."

How to condole over the phone?

In the case when the words of condolence are pronounced over the phone, then you can (but not necessarily) add briefly: “Let the earth rest in peace!”. If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then it is convenient to complete the words of condolence with this phrase, for example, “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be helpful. Count on me to call anytime!

How do you deal with a person who is bereaved?

It is not necessary to grieve, cry with him, passing through someone else's suffering. You will be much more effective in your help if you act rationally, deliberately. One way to deal with loss is to talk about it repeatedly. In this case, strong emotions will react. You need to listen carefully to the person, answer his questions if necessary. Allowing a person to express his emotions, experiences. It can be tears, anger, irritation, sadness. You don't judge, you just listen carefully, you're there. Tactile contact is possible, that is, a person can be hugged, taken by the hand, the child can be put on his knees.

No 5

Condolences. How can I sincerely express my condolences to the family of the deceased? Short words of grief over death and support in difficult times. "My condolences…"

Words of sorrow and support in difficult times

Sincere words of sorrow and delicate behavior express their readiness to share grief, to support their neighbor with their presence or common memory of the deceased. More importantly active participation, willingness to help, to give your time and efforts to a girlfriend or friend at a time when he is vulnerable, depressed and needs participation. Well, if you guess what exactly: in material assistance, organizational, physical. Maybe you need to give someone a lift or shelter for a couple of days. Offer your services For example:

• How can I help you these days?
• If/when you need anything, contact me right away!
• A lot has happened to you right now. What can I do for you?
• I think you might need help. I would like to participate.

My condolences…

How to find the right words to mourn? If you know the relatives of the deceased closely, then it is better to think of a more personal, personal sympathetic phrase. Thinking over the words of condolences, we recommend that you look. Each obituary ends with words of condolence from family and friends of the celebrity. We have given some words of condolences to celebrities at the end of this article. The site "Manufacture of monuments.ru" provides 100 specific examples words of mourning for death.

Accept my condolences!

Delicacy and sincerity- that's what you need to remember when uttering words of sympathy. In grief, the feeling of sincerity and falsehood intensifies. Feel free to pre-select, as well Housesrepeatedlyaloudspeak out condolence phrase. This will allow the right moment not to think about the wording and concentrate on the person and the circumstances. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. I want to hug my girlfriend - touch her shoulder or hug, shake hands with a friend - shake. A tear rolled up - do not turn away, but brush it away. Take a bag of clean tissues with you - they may be useful to you or someone from those present.

Death is the final reconciliation... If you harbor a grudge against the deceased, find strength in yourself forgive. Having cleansed your soul and thoughts of negativity, the words of sympathy will sound from the heart, sincerely! If you had a conflict with the deceased, then sincere regret, an apology, a request for forgiveness will be in place.

Examples of a brief verbal condolence

Format verbal condolences context dependent. In a close circle, you can allow heartfelt. But at a funeral or, during parting with the body or at the funeral, only short sayings. Many more invitees should express their condolences.

• [Name] was a man of great soul. We sincerely sympathize with you!
• Be strong!/(Be strong, friend)!
• He was a bright/kind/powerful/talented person. An example for all of us. We will always remember!
• I loved him/(her)/[Name]. My condolences!
• How much good she did to those around her! How she was loved, appreciated during her lifetime! With her passing, we lost a part of ourselves. We are very sorry for you!
• This is a tragedy: we are in great pain at this hour. But you are the hardest! If there is anything we can do to help you, please contact us right away!
• He meant/did/helped me a lot in my life. I grieve with you!
• He left so much of his soul in all of us! It's forever as long as we're alive!
• Our whole family sympathizes with your grief. Condolences ... Be strong!
• His role in my life is huge! How small those disagreements that were, and the good and the deeds that he did for me, I will never forget. Condolences to you!
• What a loss! God's man! I pray for him, I pray for all of you!
• What a pity that I did not have time to say “I'm sorry!” to him. He opened a new world for me, and I will always remember this! Sincere condolences!

religious condolence

Is it right to express condolences using religious rhetoric? When is it appropriate, and when is it not appropriate to refer to quotations from sacred books? How should you use the words of prayers if you express your condolences to a person of a different faith or an atheist?

• If and condoling, and mourning - atheists or agnostics, then resorting to religious rhetoric is not worth it. Ideas for short phrases of sympathy can be gleaned from the section.
• If a man, who lost a loved one is a believer, but you are not, then briefly addressing the topic of a better life in the other world will be correct, but the use of church language will seem false. Phrase ideas can be found in the section.
• On the contrary, when the mourner is an atheist or agnostic, and you are a believer, then an appeal on your part to or to the dogmas of your religion will look like a sincere form of sympathy. The only thing that matters is the measure.
• If both you and the bereaved - both co-religionists, then the appeal to common sources, general and observance of the canonical rites of commemoration are appropriate.

• Even if the mourner himself is a lover of rhyme, yet a moment of condolence is bad time for your own poetry.
• The poetic text in the context of condolences is devalued and can be perceived as verbal exercises during grief.
• If it is popular, then it is already exotic, and condolence verses is the risk of being misunderstood.

Condolence SMS? No.

• The message may come at the wrong time.
• Even if your condolences are laconic, the very image of the SMS channel suggests the transmission of facts, not feelings.
• If you are sending condolences by sms, then you have a phone in your hand. Was it difficult to call? - that's what a person who has suffered a loss will think about.
• If you do not meet in person in the coming days, then express condolences by phone or email.

What, condolences, you can not say?

• Comfort with the prospect. Pain is here and now, and against its background, turning to the future is either showing one's tactlessness, or injuring a loved one, or at least being unheard or misunderstood. The words are inappropriate: “Everything will be fine ...”, “Don’t worry, you will get married in a couple of years”, “Everything will pass, and this is pain too”, “Time heals ...”, “Nothing, you are young, still give birth”, “I wish you faster endure the grief...
• Demonstrate positive circumstances associated with the loss. Examples of tactless phrases: “Be strong, friend! After all, it happens (somehow / worse / worse ...) ”,“ With such torment, death is a relief ”,“ It’s good that at least (something worse) didn’t happen ”,“ The child will have his own room ”,“ You there is an opportunity (to do something).
• Point to the culprit, "find the extreme". For example, “God gave - God took”, “If you ... (would go to the doctor), would not let him go, listen to advice ...”, “Such doctors are on trial”, “With his lifestyle, it’s not surprising.”
• Do not ask how and under what circumstances it happened. Now is not the time or place to ask for details.
• Should not be in these moments talk about any topic not related to the experience. Not about work, not about common acquaintances, not about any extraneous topics.
• Do not appeal to your experience even if you have had a similar grief. “Girlfriend, I know how hard it is for you, I also lost ...”, even if said sincerely, in a moment of grief it can be perceived inadequately.
• Intrusive or banal advice, such as “You must live for the sake of ...”, “You need to calm down, wait out the time”, etc. - all this is stupid and unnecessary in moments of grief.

All "impossible" not to list. Be guided by common sense, a sense of proportion, be sincere and sympathetic. Be brief, concise. Remember that sometimes it is better to remain silent and refrain than to talk nonsense or be tactless.

How to write a condolence letter

It is not always possible to express condolences in person, and then in the very first days after death, a letter of sympathy should be sent.

Condolence letter on a postcard appropriate as an addition to a restrained mourning bouquet (red, white colors) or together with some amount of money, if it is, say, an allowance or just financial assistance from an enterprise. Design matters: you can’t write condolences on a bright holiday or greeting card. Use special ones, or take an absolutely neutral postcard with a discreet design.

Condolence Email should also be concise, sincere, but restrained. The title should already contain words of condolence. So, it is wrong to indicate in the subject line “Condolences on the death of such and such”, but it would be correct: “[Name], condolences to you on the death of your father / (mother)”. Before pressing the "send" button, read the condolence through the eyes of the grieving. It should be short, to the point, without frivolity or faux pas. Below are examples of written condolences.

Examples of written condolences

Sample condolence letter for mum's death

Dear/Dear [Name],

It was difficult for us to accept the news of the death of your / your mother, [Name-Patronymic of the deceased]. The more we empathize with your/your loss. We deeply mourn the death of [First Name]. For us, she has always been an example of care, sensitivity, attention to others. (or other positive qualities inherent in the deceased) and conquered both with a good disposition and philanthropy. We are very sad for her and can only guess what a heavy blow her passing was for you / you. More than once we remembered her words: [such and such]. And in this she served as a model of [something], thanks to her we became / understood [what the deceased influenced us]. Your mother, [First Name], raised and raised you / you - a worthy person, whom, we are sure, she was proud of. We are happy that we got to know her.

With deep and sincere sympathy, the [So-and-so] family

Condolence email template for mother's death

email header:[Name], condolences to you on the death of [Name-Patronymic]!

Text of the letter: Dear [Name]! Today I learned with sadness about the death of your mother, [Name-Patronymic]. It's hard to believe - after all, not so long ago she cordially received us as a guest. I remember her as (positive qualities of the deceased) . It's hard for me to imagine the depth of grief you're going through right now. Sincere condolences!

Perhaps these days you will have troubles associated with mourning events. I want to offer you my help: maybe you need to meet someone, help with a car or notify someone ... Contact me! I would like to help in this difficult moment for all of us!

I empathize with your loss! Signature.

Condolences on the death of your father

The structure of the letter (postcard, email) of condolences on the death of the father girlfriend or boyfriend - the same as in the case of condolences on the death of the mother (see above). However, society appreciates a few different qualities in a man than in a mother or wife. Words and phrases relevant to express condolences on the death of the pope, the head of the family are listed below. If more accurate words of comfort come to mind that reflect the features of this particular person, then it is better to use them.

• As soon as I met your father, on the same day I realized that this is a person [of such and such qualities]
• He was a real man, a responsible head of the family and a caring person.
• I didn't know your father personally, but I can imagine how much he meant to you.
• He was an example for me in this and that.
• He admired everyone with his foresight, erudition, and sharp mind.
• I realized that I knew little about him. When the time is right, tell me more about your dad!
• Knowing you, I can guess how much your father gave to the family and children!

Samples of condolences on the death of a friend, colleague

Condolences to a colleague, employee, subordinate - not only a sign of good relations in the team, but also an element of business ethics in a healthy company. Condolences to a colleague are expressed in the same way as condolences to a friend, relative, person close to you. The examples below highlight in professional status- boss, responsible specialist, prominent official, public figure ...

• With deep regret I learned about the tragic / untimely / sudden death of the president of your company, Mr. [Surname-Name-Patronymic]. His contribution to the formation/development/prosperity of your company is well known and indisputable. The management of [Company name] and our colleagues, saddened by the bitter news, convey their condolences on the loss of a respected and talented leader.
• Let me express to you our deepest feelings over the death of [position] Ms. [Last Name, First Name, Patronymic]. Her professionalism, competence and dedication earned her the genuine respect of all who worked with her. Please accept our sincere condolences to your grief and sympathy for your irreparable loss.
• Deeply shocked by the news of the death of [position, Name-Patronymic]. Let me express my most sincere sympathy to you personally and to all the employees of your company. My colleagues, upon learning of the tragedy/grief/misfortune, share deep regret at his/her passing.