Why does even the strongest friendship end? Why does friendship end

Why does friendship end? The first thing that comes to mind is a quarrel or betrayal. Everything is clear here. But it happens that friendship between close friends ends by itself. Quiet and peaceful. Why?

There are main reasons for this ending of a friendship:

... Completion of studies.

School and student friendship is considered the strongest. Learning strongly unites. But when it ends, each of the friends has a job that takes time. If they live in different areas, this also becomes an obstacle to meetings. Plus, salary payment schedules may not match. All this interferes with meetings, which become less and less frequent, and over time may stop altogether. If the friends who graduated from their studies do not want the friendship to end with her, then there is no need to wait until both have free money to go to a restaurant, when they can carve out a day off on the calendar free of plans and deeds. You can meet at home, you can meet on weeknights. There would be a desire.

... You have outgrown the relationship.

It happens that we are friends with a person who can teach us something new. And at some point there is nothing more to learn, it becomes boring with the person, and there is a feeling that the relationship has exhausted itself. In this case, it makes no sense to support them. However, if both (!) Girlfriends regret the ended friendship, then you can try to find an activity that will unite them (playing sports, any courses, or something else).

... The marriage of one of the girlfriends.

There are two options here.
1. A young wife turns her attention to her husband and forgets about her friend.
2. An unmarried girlfriend stops communicating with a married one, believing that she now has a different life, in which there is no place for her friends.
In fact, marriage is not a hindrance to friendship. Many women, having married, continue to be friends with unmarried girlfriends. And they succeed in it thanks to common interests.

... Social inequality.

It happens that the financial situation of friends or the steps of the career ladder start to differ greatly. This, too, is not a sentence to friendship, the main thing in friendship is communication, and where it takes place - at home, in a modest cafe or an expensive restaurant - does not matter.

... General work.

There are two options here too:

1. Working in one team, one office can upset friendly relations. Fatigue from each other appears, all topics in conversations necessarily come down to work. The desire to meet outside of work disappears. In this case, you can agree with a friend about canceling conversations about work, meet on weekends, planning your pastime in advance.

2. The departure of one of the friends from work, where both worked. A situation similar to graduation. Complicated by additional obstacles to communication - in addition to the lack of free time, living in different areas and mismatching salary schedules, there are obstacles in the form of husbands and children. In this case, you can try to be friends with families, if both friends are interested in maintaining friendship, you can, despite the presence of husbands and children, continue to visit each other.

From all of the above, we can draw the following conclusion: if one of the friends loses the desire to communicate, there will be a lot of excuses, reasons, and the friendship will end.

And if there is a mutual desire to be friends, communicate, the need for each other, then the friendship will not end for any of the listed reasons.

Friendship is important to each of us. Take care of her, love and value your friends.

Some people say that it can never be, others say that passion and love do not have to connect people of different sexes. There is no correct opinion on this issue. After all, there are times when a girl and a guy can be just friends and not have any sexual attraction to each other. But there are also times when sex between friends happens.

What can serve as a reason for such a step, what can be the consequences after? Let's consider the options for the development of events when sex with a friend has already happened, and also think about what could have pushed you to take such a step?

What can soul kinship lead to?

It is not easy to compare this to soul mates. Indeed, for our loved ones, we experience deep and kind feelings that are devoid of sexual connotation. In fact, most people, with friendship, at least once experienced sexual attraction to each other. As soon as such friends decide to transfer their relationship to another plane, then no moral foundations will hold them back. If you do not have a love relationship with anyone, what could be wrong if you started this relationship with your friend?

Clouding the mind is a matter of seconds

Since childhood, you are always there, playing together, fooling around, developing, in a word, growing up together. You can accurately capture all the changes in each other's mood. When your first love left you, he was there and wiped away your tears. You remember all the names of his girlfriends, while not experiencing any jealousy. And this should have happened! How could this ever happen to you?

Alcohol

Remembered the old days

When you were a couple, then you broke up but remained friends. You really communicate well with each other and there is no longer any passion between you and can no longer be. But at some point the stars in the sky converged at the right angle, you succumbed to a momentary weakness, you wanted to remember the past - and now it all happened!

Take care of your health

You are real friends, just do not spill water. But above all, you are united by the fact that both lack regular sex life. And you are already adults with certain physiological needs. You are not hiding anything, from each other and at some point you complain to him about the lack of orgasms. And then he decided to help you in this matter.

There was just nothing to do

Of course, this is not the best scenario. It's strange when two friends had nothing to do and out of boredom they decide to have sex, just to unwind. Who could think of such an idea? Are you sure your friends do this?

Just curious how he is in bed

Curiosity is not the best excuse for doing this. Of course, there are situations where this feeling can be extremely useful or necessary. But in this case, having sex with a friend just to find out which one is his lover is an extremely rash act. So think about the consequences before it happens. No wonder, after all, they say - "curiosity is not a vice, but a big disgusting thing."

It's very convenient!

You are more buddies than friends. It's just that it's convenient for you to be sexual partners, without obligations and relationships. We met, chatted, slept and dispersed satisfied. It's even hard to call it sex between friends, rather it's just a meeting of two people to have sex. And if one of the partners begins to have love feelings for the other and wants to develop a serious relationship? And the second did not even enter such thoughts.

What can be the results of such a "friendship"

Psychologists have proven that most people experience negative feelings from friendly sex. Such as shame, fear, excruciating remorse, suffering from what happened. Naturally, all this does not justify the pleasure experienced, if it was. These negative emotions can lead to the fact that you simply end your friendship, avoid each other, and soon stop communicating altogether. Few people, after such a relationship, can maintain friendly feelings.

We are all victims of certain principles, rules and stereotypes. Friendship does not mean having sex. But what if it did happen? Here he is a guy, my friend, and now what has he become to me? You are completely confused in your thoughts. It is necessary to sort out and understand as soon as possible whether your old feelings flashed up or everything remained the same. Find out his opinion on this matter. What if your thoughts on this matter coincide? This would be the perfect turn of events.

A spark ignites a flame

You should not immediately discard the option of the origin of love. It is not necessary after sex with a friend to stop all communication and break off the relationship. This can also be the impetus for the transition of relations to a new format. Why not? You sympathize with each other, perceive him as he is, are not afraid to be yourself in front of him, are always frank with him, trust him as yourself. His feelings towards you are the same. This is also a great option for developing love relationships. Then maybe not everything is as bad as you thought?

I do not need his love, I was fine with friendship

What if after what happened, you realized that it was just sex and you are only interested in it as a friend? You do not want to lose him, but at the same time you are not at all interested in any love relationship, there can no longer be any intimacy between you. Use the tips below, they will definitely help you.

Put all the jokes aside.

Be tactful in your conversation so as not to hurt your friend's feelings. You can still joke to defuse the situation, but make sure that the jokes are appropriate. Say that after such a test, your friendship is official, and you can now continue to be friends. If the sex was after drinking, then give him your word that you will not get drunk anymore. And don't forget to keep your promise.

Was there something?

Pretend nothing happened at all. Of course, this is difficult, and not every person can do this, because for this it is necessary to have tremendous willpower. Who said it would be easy? You will have to make some efforts to correct the situation and try to direct it in a different direction.

Time cures

Take the initiative, take time out, keep going with the flow. You feel terrible, it is very difficult for you. And you do not want to meet with your friend for a while, do not want to answer his calls and letters, although enough time has passed? Maybe all this suggests that your friendship is over and just such a thought makes you very sad.

No matter how you behave, be sure to take into account the opinion of the opposite side. Everything is simple and trite. You can't get into another person's head or read their thoughts. Therefore, a frank conversation can solve everything, the main thing is that during this conversation they are sincere with each other.

Feelings and emotions in people are often so closely intertwined that it becomes quite difficult to distinguish between them. How to understand when exactly the friendship ended and love began? That you are driven by passion and attraction or love? To do this, you need to be well versed in yourself, to be able to hear your needs and desires. And do not forget to listen and feel other people, especially those close to you. After all, they are not indifferent to you? In any case, such a situation can end happily only when you think the same way. If your thoughts do not coincide, then you definitely need to find strength in yourself and talk to each other.

Today we will talk about friendship and friendly love.

There are four types of love in total: parental, friendly, self-love and partner. The profound differences between these types of love are determined by how the basic interaction is carried out - give and take. There is a big difference between how children and parents give and take, how people give and take in partnerships, how we give and take in a relationship with ourselves. And how we give and take in friendship.

The order of how I give and take is a basic element of the structure of our psyche, which dates back to ancient times. This is how the relations between the first people were built, relations in the community, tribe.

What is friendship?

Friendship is a relationship based on the principle “I am you, you are me”. Inside ourselves, we conduct a kind of bookkeeping, accounting for how much we give and how much we receive. Of course, this happens subconsciously, at the level of emotions and sensations. If they helped me in trouble, I also want to help in trouble later. If they lent me money, I also want to lend money later. This is how friendship is built. And friendship falls apart if I suddenly begin to give in friendship more than a person can return to me. Or vice versa, I get more than I can give.

Many will be outraged by this statement, they will say: “Roman, you are wrong. Is it possible to reduce friendship to dry calculation and mutually beneficial exploitation of each other ?! " Yes and no.

Our survival is evolutionarily tied to the extent to which we are able to share resources, exchange and repay debts. Survival in a primitive society was based on this, and everything still rests on this today. If someone helped me with food, I also want to help him with food in the future, I feel an inner need to repay the debt, the responsibility for repaying the debt. Sometimes this feeling is associated with guilt. It is not right. This is precisely the duty.

In friendship, the balance between “giving” and “taking” is important.”

In a friendship, a balance must be maintained between giving and taking. Let's imagine a situation that I am better off than my friend, and I started giving more, for example, paying for dinners in a cafe, or buying tickets for the two of us to a concert or even a vacation trip. If the friend doesn't give me more in return, it will lead to the destruction of the friendship. The balance between giving and taking must be balanced.

Of course, it is not necessary to repay the debt in the same “currency”. For example, a friend in this situation can give more support, more emotion, help, or anything else that I need. But if the two of us do not have an inner feeling that we give and take in equal amounts, the friendship will end sooner or later.

Let me give you a real case from my practice. There are two friends, they have been friends since childhood, their names are, say, Marina and Katya. Marina's child was born, and then her husband loses his job, and they have a mortgage on the apartment. And the child is small in her arms. Marina with a child, does not work, her husband is unemployed. Therefore, Katya, who has an older child, takes children's things, two large bags and brings her friend. She is insanely happy about this gift. And he says, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." And this "thank you", backed up by very strong emotions, is the first way she returns the debt to Katya. As I said, it is not necessary to return the material if you have been given material. Then Marina goes to the kitchen, takes oranges and gives it to her friend with the words: "Here you go, you will treat your boyfriend." But Katya refuses and says: "Don't, you have no money now, you need these oranges more."

Of course, these oranges are incomparably less in value than those two huge bags of children's things that she brought to Marina. But for Marina, oranges were like a symbolic return of a material debt, she received something from Katya and wanted to give something in return. If Katya took oranges, the balance between giving and taking in her girlfriends relationship would be balanced again. But since Katya rejected what her friend wanted to give her, Marina feels humiliated, obliged, disappointed, angry. We do not want to have a debt hanging on us, it is unpleasant for us to be in debt to someone. Therefore, it is important to maintain a balance between giving and taking. And therefore, anger at virtue is very common.

Can friendship be strengthened?

If we want friendship to grow, we need to learn to give and take and gradually increase the "volume of friendship." For example, a friend gave me something, and in some situations I give him back, according to my inner feelings, the same amount, and sometimes a little more. And there is no need to keep any statistics on paper, we inside, on an emotional level, feel it all. And if a friend supports the "expansion of friendship", we move to a new level.

The ancient Greeks had special terms for such cases: "filia" - love between friends, and "storge". The second word meant love between spouses, which is constantly developing and growing. But the word "storge" was also used to describe friendship, which develops all life when it comes to the point that a friend is ready to risk his life for the sake of a friend. And it turns out that "filia" can gradually develop into "storg", but this does not happen overnight.

How to find new friends?

Sometimes my clients ask me how to make new friends in adulthood, and is it possible in principle. Perhaps. For example, you had friends at school, university. But you finished your studies, and the friendship ended, everyone left, school friends became uninteresting, your company fell apart.

It is important to understand here that in childhood and adolescence, we almost always found friends on the basis of belonging to a group that we did not voluntarily choose. Parents sent us to kindergarten, some children lived in our yard, then we went to school. Each time we found ourselves in a confined space with a limited number of people, even if there were 30 of them. And we had to choose one of these people and decide with whom we would exchange, with whom we would enter into a give-and-take relationship. For example, at school it could be friendship according to the principle "I am smart - he is strong" or "I am beautiful - she is smart."

If you want to make friends as an adult, the first thing you need to do is think about what interests you have. Perhaps you enjoy cycling, hiking, mountain climbing, or personal development courses. And now, when you go to these places, you are looking for people there that you like. You start socializing, go hiking, ride bicycles, spend time together. And gradually, from acquaintances, from comrades, these people will draw closer to you and friendship will be struck up between you. Remember that building a friendship is a long process. Building friendships is difficult, but as an adult, you build it deliberately with the people you have chosen.

Friends for different purposes

Since friendship is a mutually beneficial balance between giving and taking, there are friends for different purposes. What does it mean? For example, you can come to one friend and cry in a vest, but this same friend cannot be told about joy, for example, that you have been promoted and your salary has been tripled. There is a friend from whom you can borrow money, and there is a friend from whom you will never ask for a loan. There is a friend who is ideal for hiking, in the mountains you feel like you are behind a stone wall. But you can't just come to him in the evening and have a beer. Different people are different friendships. And we cannot require all friends to be friends with us in the same way. Although gradually increasing the "volume of friendship", we can eventually move with one of them to a deeper friendship, "storge".

What if the friendship ended?

It's important to remember that friendships can end, and you need to be able to let go of old friends. Any relationship ends, and friendship is no exception. It rarely happens that we can maintain a friendship with someone for life. In the same way, a happy marriage of a lifetime is also rare. We need to internally let go of classmates, classmates with whom our interests no longer coincide, a friend with whom life divorced us. Say mentally to a former friend: “Thank you. Our friendship was pleasant, but our paths went our separate ways. For all the time that we were friends, thank you. Everything that I gave you, I gave sincerely. Everything that you gave me sincerely, I keep for myself. Thank you. Goodbye".

The better you can give and take, the easier it is for you to make friends. Therefore, you need to develop a willingness to give, be aware of your needs and interests, and also be able to set boundaries so that you can end a friendship in which they only take from you, but give nothing in return.

Then there is the level of teacher-student and sibling relationships. These are also levels of friendship, but the process of giving and taking is different there. We will talk about this next time.

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Friendship is one of the things that makes our life better. A friend will always support, help and cheer you up in a sad moment.

But what if friendship instead brings only sadness, despair, and anxiety? It seems that you are building illusions, and there has been no friendship for a long time, only a habit remains.

The following 8 signs will help you determine if a friendship is alive or not.

1. You are the only one who keeps in touch

It is unpleasant to realize that only you really need to communicate with this person, while he does well without you in his life.

Such friendship can easily be called one-sided and false, because harmony and mutual understanding are simply absent.

How long will this all last? Until the one who is in need finds a friend who will be more responsive, or until the one who is needed gets tired of the obsession of the first.

2. You are not abandoned by the feeling of competition

Work, family, home - you want everything to be better than your friend's. But is friendship made for competition? Rather, for support and mutual assistance.

If the feeling of competition haunts you all the time, then there is a chance that this is not friendship at all, but support for the concept of "Keep your enemies close to you."

3. You don't feel trust

Trust is a key concept in both relationship and friendship. This is the very trait that brings together completely different and alien people in this world since ancient times.

Betraying trust means betraying friendship or betraying love. Trust is very difficult, and sometimes impossible, to return, because friendship with wounded trust is often doomed.

4. You have more drama than friendship.

Conflicts are possible in friendship, because all people have their own interests and do not want to compromise on them. But remember, healthy conflict is about compromise, not endless drama.

Observe how you are in conflict with your friend, if these are just screams and emotions, without a grain of common sense, then one day it may all end there.

5. Your friend is jealous of other friends.

Friendship does not oblige to be friends and communicate with only one person, it is even difficult to call it friendship. There are people who grab your attention so much that they don't want to share you with anyone else.

Sometimes it is pleasant or flattering, but later you realize that this is a gross violation of your personal space and freedom of action. Don't let that happen.

6. They bring out the worst in you.

“A bad example is contagious” - everything is exactly like that, because the society in which we find ourselves, one way or another, forms our picture of the perception of the world, basic values ​​and general morality.

Communicating with a person who initiates you to lie, steal, or aggression towards others will never make you a better person. Such friendship will only bring you grief and disappointment.

Know how to choose friends and social circle, it is also important to develop the ability to remove from your life people who make it worse.

7. Your friend betrayed you

Betrayal by a friend can mean two things: something is wrong with your friendship, or something is wrong with your friend. If it's about friendship and it's important to you, talk to a friend and find out what's the matter.

If it's a matter of a friend and his character, worldview, then think again about whether you really need to have a traitorous friend.