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Why I am afraid of relationships: fear of pain and disappointment. I'm afraid of a serious relationship - the problem can be solved

Identify the root cause of your fear. Can you remember the moment when you first experienced relationship fear? Was it a parental quarrel in front of your eyes? Or have you observed the aftermath of a failed relationship?

Fear of a relationship does NOT mean that something is wrong with you. Letting a stranger into your world is a big deal. And to be afraid of changes in your personal life is quite natural.

Be confident in yourself. If you really want to start a relationship, you can find your person. But don't despise yourself for being afraid. Everyone is afraid of change.

Don't be impatient. Don't look for someone just for the sake of having a partner. There is a big difference between finding a partner and finding someone you would like to be your partner. Therefore, you shouldn't look for a relationship if you are the only friend who has no half, or if you think it's time to have at least some dating experience at your age. It's not real. Love will blossom out of a bond that comes from meeting the right person, but not just because you answered a newspaper ad (although that sometimes works).

But nevertheless ... try not to despair or give up, even if things are not easy. Don't blame yourself for the failure. Accept your feelings as natural and don't beat yourself up about them. Fear is very difficult to overcome, it takes time, introspection, working on your fears and reducing them to a normal level. Find someone to talk to about your fears with, someone to mentor you and with whom you feel comfortable talking.

  • Consider the reasons for your fear of romance. Organize them in a list to understand each one individually. In some situations, the reason is not romance per se.

    • Choosing to wait with a relationship for an objective reason, such as “I want to find a job and achieve financial stability before tying myself to someone in a relationship,” or “It will interfere with my studies, so I will not settle down until I graduate. "Is not fear, but a manifestation of prudence.
    • The choice to wait “because I'm embarrassed to ask someone out” can be transformed into “so I should work on my shyness by gradually getting rid of it, spend more time with friends, meet new people, and flirt with someone. not serious until I feel comfortable in the realm of romance. "
    • Choosing to wait because you've recently experienced a painful breakup is a sane idea. If you jump into a new relationship now, you may end up with someone who is even worse than your ex. If more than a year has passed since the breakup, now is the time to think about how to overcome your fear. If the breakup happened recently, it is not unusual for you to be afraid to enter into new relationships with old problems.

    • Good day!
    I'm 23. I work as an economist.
    I am afraid of relationships with men. I have never met anyone. Itself has never been the initiator. There are no men among friends.
    I run from men, as if I run from a monster, I close ten doors with all kinds of locks, and the last one is still holding the handle with all my might, so long as he does not open the door.
    In general, there are three options historically formed in my head:
    1) I like a man - but I will definitely choose an inaccessible one (the one who is dating / married, and this is taboo for me, the last time - a priest). Once inaccessible, then there is no relationship.
    2) the man doesn’t like him, but he doesn’t like me. - There were several proposals to meet, but I, like a fluffy gelding, ran away from them. Thus, she offended men. Even if they are very good, there is a fear of relationships. Here, a feeling of arrogance, pride prevails in me.
    3) We like each other, he is free -
    I will always give a reason why we cannot be together. I noticed that if I find out that he is free, the interest in him decreases.
    When we begin to communicate a little more in time, we open up to each other so deeply (on a psychological level), it becomes scary that he sees all my shortcomings.
    In addition, I can't just look at men, just communicate with them, from the first second I meet them as a potential husband. There is a feeling that he already owes me something and owes me something. Just as a friend or girlfriend in trousers is not possible to perceive.
    Possible reasons: divorce of parents, resentment against the father living separately with a new family (resentment that he left us - by now forgiven him, but perhaps the resentment has spread to other men in the world), low and at the same time overestimated self-esteem, pride.
    I'm scared:
    trust men
    I'm afraid of the pain of relationships
    I'm afraid of betrayal (more on my part, because there is a desire to get ahead of the man in this, so that it does not hurt from his betrayal);
    I'm afraid to be open to a man (suddenly he pretends to laugh at me; meets for the next tick in his list of used women; men have their own space in their heads, it is difficult and scary to try to understand them; suddenly he will fall in love with another, and I will be left with nothing and nothing with what; suddenly I do not arrange him as a hostess, as an interlocutor, suddenly he turns out to be too good for me; suddenly I like the other and I will be tied up in a relationship).
    I myself understand that some fears are meaningless, but I just can't get rid of them. Thank you in advance for your help, advice. I am ready for harsh statements on your part that will help change my attitude towards men.

    Psychologists' Answers

    Hello Tatiana,

    your ability to analyze is excellent! But personal life is not controlling, where you calculate the risks so that debit and credit converge in the annual report.

    Your historically formed options clearly indicate that you avoid relationships with men in every possible way. Who told you that "all men are bastards": mom? Granny? I don’t think you guessed it yourself.

    You have continuous hypotheses: "What if". Human relationships are not mathematics. It is impossible to calculate anything. Any hypothesis must be tested empirically. Although, it is best to discard all hypotheses and just meet in this type of Homo Sapiens - a man.

    Maybe for a tick in your list, maybe to fall in love with another, it may happen that someone does not suit you as a father of a family, as an interlocutor, as a lover ... But someone will be wonderful to play the guitar, cook ear, love your children ...

    Once I heard a wonderful advice: "turn off your brains!". FEEL!

    Good luck to you!

    Good answer 4 Bad answer 0

    I run from men like I run from a monster

    Sometimes it's worth stepping on your fear to dispel it. Read the literature on psychology and gender differences in men - and they will become clearer to you. Make a man friend - the most harmless guy from your environment.

    Take action and don't cherish your fear!

    Good answer 6 Bad answer 0

    Good afternoon, Tatiana! You have perfectly described the possible reasons for your man-hatred, but getting rid of this is very difficult. Usually clients, coming to me for a consultation, know what they want, but do not know HOW to achieve it. That is why such a profession is needed - a psychologist. Because he knows how ... And the reason may not be at all where you see it ... Together with a psychologist, it will be much easier for you to deal with this, and, most importantly, to work out all the reasons, and get rid of what bothers you. Therefore, the most important thing now that you need to do is find your own psychologist in your city. I say mine, meaning someone who can really help you. I wish you happiness, love, and wonderful relationships with men, among whom you will definitely find HIM, your soul mate ...

    Good answer 6 Bad answer 2

    Tatiana, I subscribe to the words of my colleague and wife Elena Viktorovna, I just want to add that I had such clients who had all the symptoms described by you after a course of psychotherapy, when the reasons were realized and all feelings and emotions were worked out. The main thing is to choose not only YOURS

    Question to the psychologist:

    Hello, I'm 20, I'm a beautiful, versatile and intelligent girl, and I have never had a relationship with the opposite sex. And the point is not that most of my friends have already had a relationship or are currently in a relationship and I envy them in a sense, the point is that I myself think that I am already ready for this, and does not come out. Although I think so and clearly feel attracted to guys - I seem to be afraid of falling in love and all that follows from this. I date guys - I go on dates, correspond with them, accept compliments and communicate openly - I don't feel uncomfortable. I am never against intimacy (although I never had it) - in short, I am not afraid of this, especially if I see that the person is good and I trust him. In practice, however, it is completely different. The fact is that as soon as I meet a guy, go on several dates and understand that he is interested in me, then I want to run and stop communicating right away, avoid his SMS and calls, hide and not go anywhere. Moreover, he may even be sympathetic to me, and in my thoughts I have long dreamed of a serious relationship, but as soon as he takes my hand, he manages me. I am pleased, but I do not know how to react - there is a desire to just be silent and ignore, and then endure until the end of the meeting, come home, collapse on the sofa and dynamite it for several days until I leave. And I am also offended by some little things that make me feel uncomfortable, and mostly, these are some kind of stupidity. For example, he’s making a stupid joke, but I’m ashamed. Or lead you to some strange cafe. Or to the point that he, as normal, sorry, the person wants to go to the toilet and offers to go to the mall. At this moment I am seized with such a feeling of disgust - one might think he killed a person or did something terrible. I feel terribly bad and I can not imagine myself next to this person - neither as a girl, nor as something more. I’m just walking and as if I already know that I’m not going to walk with him anymore, although the guy is good, polite, and goes out of his way to please. Or he gives me three roses, they become lethargic while we walk, and I feel awkward. In short, I seem to always find an excuse because of which I should not see this guy - every time something new. I am not comfortable, there is no sense of security or security. I cannot completely relax, as with my girlfriends. There is no desire to meet, communicate and so on - this oppresses me, especially if he begins to show tenderness - to hug him, send some hearts in messages, I generally will be like an idol. And I can’t understand the only thing: I’m either frigid, or something is wrong with the guys. I always don't like something about them - they write something illiterately, then they don't compliment, then they don't drive back and forth. And I kind of understand that he is a good person, but this muck does not go out of my head. As if someone is specifically instigating. I already ran away from two guys - they were cool, smart, hardworking, and I just almost cried, as I did not want to walk with them "not for love" and simply refused. My mother tells me that I will stay in the old maidens at such a pace, the girlfriends themselves are already hinting that it would be time to find someone, and I myself am not against it. I just don't know what is wrong with me and how to deal with this, with this fear, apparently, to fight. She prevents me from entering into any relationship, although I terribly want to be loved, I want attention, like any girl at this age. How to feel confident and understand what a person likes, not to run away from him headlong, as soon as some disadvantage or trifle unpleasant, not romantic appears. Should you force yourself to go on a date with someone if you don't fully understand whether you like him or not? And if as if nobody likes it? It does not happen in life that so many guys have already shown attention to me, all good and cool could be like friends, and I cannot allow my feelings to spill out, I cannot afford to let go of the situation and be happy with how everything is happening.

    Psychologist Elena Alekseevna Lobova answers the question.

    Hello Darja!

    If you don't like people, then you haven't loved yet, or at least haven't fallen in love. When a person is in love, he does not notice any peculiarities of his chosen one, but precisely the peculiarities, because we all have our own characteristics, it would be strange to call them shortcomings. Lack is when something is lacking, and if a person is somehow separated from others, then this is his feature. And it is this zest that makes him stand out from the rest of the people. You will love. You are still ahead.

    There is no need to rush even because of the fear of remaining an "old maid", that is, with the goal "just not to remain an old maid", now you need to exchange yourself for trifles, to endure the attention of those who are unpleasant?

    The question is: how comfortable will you be in the status of "no longer an old maid"? How will your life change, how will your attitude towards life change? And you shouldn't break yourself for the sake of the opinions of others. It is as if you feel guilt and inferiority from the fact that “someone has, but you don’t”, like starting a boyfriend - the same as buying a phone ... but with people everything is much easier if you are ready to accept them as they are ... and if something does not suit you in a person right away, then over the years your dissatisfaction will turn into irritability and disgust, and regret that you gave your life to the wrong person.

    and all the worries for what? in order to please girlfriends and mom?

    and ask your mother how she is married ...? how is it to communicate with men, what should you do with them? at school we are taught anything, just not to build relationships with ourselves and with people.

    Yes, exactly, you should first accept yourself, and then learn to effectively interact with people. You can first accept yourself, and then accept those around you. Only that which is inside of us resonates negatively in us and we strive to suppress it ...

    and do not break yourself, but sort yourself out.

    If a person loves himself, he can calmly accept and give love to others. He does not have a block to accept love, he does not think that he is not worthy of something. He just accepts by his birthright.

    To become interesting, you should become interesting for yourself, and then find people with similar interests and they will become interesting to you. And when you understand that there will be a conversation about nothing further - why continue and look for something in a person that will be the reason for your rejection. Look for a reason to justify your dislike for a person and you need to understand and work out the topic deeper. Don't depend on your friends' opinions. Do you think everything is cloudless with your friends? there is no need to rush, and even more so to envy.

    Who you really can't envy is a free housewife ... there would be something to envy and get married only if it really is better for your husband than not being married. Become "not an old maid" only if this new state brings you satisfaction. The main thing is your personal comfort. Everything in this life is given to us for joy. I would like men to bring you into your life, only joy, not experiences ...

    It is wonderful that you listen to your feelings, only one thing worries me: perhaps, once, unconsciously, being in a state of heightened impressionability, you forbade yourself to build communication with the opposite sex. You have forbidden yourself to feel joy and satisfaction from attention, and if you have such a problem, you need to work it out with a specialist, the same can be done in questions about how to behave with the opposite sex. If you do not know how, you can learn this and you need to start by listening to yourself, doing what the soul tells you at this point in time ... to follow the call of your heart ...

    don't be in a hurry at all.

    Because you are afraid of the consequences, because the Body itself and the Soul itself tell you that you do not need consequences with this person, you should not allow anything to touch yourself with those you do not love ... if you are simply afraid to do something, something is wrong and not right, again, you should work out your "inner censor" and you will understand that there are no rules in love.

    The main thing is to love yourself and surrender to your feelings. You are too tight. You want to be loved, but you yourself are not ready to give love yet.

    Perhaps you should be banned from being happy and free in a relationship. You will learn to express your desires, and not wait for the man to guess everything ...

    it is better to work out everything with a specialist.

    5 Rating 5.00 (9 Votes)

    Does the very thought of a relationship scare you ?! Do not ignore the problem, the advice of experienced psychologists will help you not to be left alone!

    Sooner or later, any person begins to feel the need to create a strong and lasting love relationship. Panic fear of relationships with the opposite sex, which is a direct road to loneliness, can not only become an obstacle in this venture, but also put an end to your personal life.

    Fortunately, intimophobia (the so-called fear of intimacy in psychology) lends itself well to correction and can be dealt with if you use the recommendations of professionals in practice.

    What is the reason

    Among women

    1. Violence in family... Girls growing up in dysfunctional families and often witnessing male aggression, as adults, more often than others suffer from a fear of serious relationships. Experiencing a subconscious fear of the stronger sex, they constantly expect some kind of trick from them and do not allow themselves to relax for a second.
    2. Past failures... Bad experiences with men are another common reason women tend to avoid love affairs. Having at least once experienced the pain of separation, and having fully felt all the bitterness of disappointment, they believe that they have had enough and in the future they simply do not want to suffer anymore.
    3. Shameful secrets... Nothing hinders women in their pursuit of improving their personal lives as hard-hitting secrets. At the same time, secrets can be anything: some are afraid of their own unseemly actions, others are embarrassed by the presence of relatives who are addicted to gambling, drugs or alcohol.
    4. Inferiority complex... Ladies who are absolutely convinced that they are not beautiful enough, are smart and charming enough are the perfect targets for unsuccessful relationships. Mired in complexes, they lose the ability to adequately assess reality and all the time fear that they will not be able to meet the expectations of the chosen one.

    In men

    1. High level of responsibility... Serious relationships mean not only stable sex, but also getting to know your parents, as well as the need to get married. This circumstance often serves as a stop signal for men, generating in them a panic fear of close relationships.
    2. Intimate problems... Unlike women, representatives of the stronger sex tend to strongly experience any setbacks on the "intimate front". Even the smallest problems with erection turn into a real disaster for them, literally destroying any desire to start a relationship.
    3. Financial difficulties... Despite the fact that the world is changing rapidly, it is still important for many men to feel like “the main earner in the family”. Experiencing financial difficulties, and not being able to adequately support loved ones, they feel like failures and begin to avoid long-term relationships.
    4. Loss of independence... Men who have had time to get used to a free bachelor life, with great difficulty decide on long-term relationships with women. Overcoming intimophobia for them is the same as locking themselves in a dungeon with their own hands, depriving them of all the pleasures and doomed to communicate with a single interlocutor.

    Relationship fear

    As statistics show, most often men and women are wary of the following types of relationships.

    Serious

    Entering the phase of a serious relationship means that the games are over and now the lovers will have much more significant steps: meeting their parents, the marriage ceremony and many years of living together.

    Finding themselves dangerously close to marriage, many of intimophobes begin to panic and even go to extremes. For example, they try to cancel a wedding, demand written assurances of eternal love, or try to take a notarized non-interference receipt from the partner's parents.

    New

    A new relationship is always stress, primarily due to the unknown:

    • A young man, getting acquainted with a girl, does not yet know her interests, and therefore he is afraid to seem boring or unnecessarily intrusive.
    • The young lady, in turn, is afraid that a lot of trouble will arise with the guy: he may not like her friends or attract excessive attention of her friends.

    No less young people are wary of new love relationships and mature people who already have relatively long years of marriage behind them.

    After a divorce that never passes without a trace for couples, not everything is decided to plunge headlong into a maelstrom of new feelings:

    • some are afraid to get burned again;
    • others do not want to limit their freedom;
    • still others are stopped altogether by the presence of underage children.

    There can be a lot of such examples, how many people - so many stories, but everyone has their own story, and the result is always the same - the painful fear of relationships.

    Loved ones

    As a rule, intimate relationships are most afraid of people who are accustomed to carefully protecting their personal space and do not want to take on additional responsibility.

    Feeling that a loved one is getting closer and closer to the clearly defined boundaries of what is permitted, they are so frightened that they subconsciously choose a model of behavior that inevitably leads to the end of the love affair.

    What is most interesting, they completely and completely blame the partner for the break, exaggerating his real or imaginary shortcomings in every possible way.

    Intimate

    Fear of intimate relationships often originates from childhood. This is due to the insufficiently warm and trusting atmosphere prevailing in the family, as well as strict parents who do not consider it necessary to show and discuss their emotions.

    Other reasons this phobia can occur include:

    • diseases associated with the genital organs;
    • sexual assault;
    • lack of experience;
    • failures in the intimate area, resulting in a partner's ridicule.

    How to get rid of fear

    1. Find a lot of advantages in yourself... Simple doing nothing, accompanied by constant whining about “I am mediocrity, no one wants me,” has not yet helped anyone overcome their fear of relationships. Do you want to overcome him ?! Start working on yourself: watch your appearance, raise your intellectual level, attend exhibitions and performances, communicate with interesting, outstanding people.
    2. Forgive your parents... If the reasons for the fears lie in an unhappy childhood, there are two ways to go. The first is to continue to hate parents, reproaching them for all their troubles. It sounds terrible, but in reality it will be even worse, because sooner or later you can drown in this hatred. The second is to understand that there will be no other parents and try to forgive them. It is difficult, but if you do it, you can drop the fear and move on.
    3. Understand that life after divorce IS... Yes, some relationships did not work out, it's a pity, but this happens. However, this is not a reason to put an end to your personal life and to avoid members of the opposite sex until the end of your days. Do you want to return to a fulfilling life ?! Start small: smile more, flirt, flirt and don't forget to accept date invitations,
    4. Leave the past in the past... Carrying a bulky baggage of bleak memories with you is not an easy and thankless task. In moments of happiness, these pieces of the past will not fail to remind of themselves, ruining the mood and giving rise to new fears. Don't you dare to dump all the load right away? Then take the experience with you!
    • you can overcome intimophobia only by stopping “hiding your head in the sand”;
    • having met a person you like, do not rush to prophesy trouble, try to talk about your fear, because sometimes trust heals;
    • you can overcome subconscious fear if you find its root cause and carefully analyze it;
    • cannot solve the problem on your own, make an appointment with a specialist, because one head is good, and two are much better.

    In the repertoire of A. B. Pugacheva there is a wonderful song containing the following lines: "Living without love, perhaps, is simple, but how in the world can one live without love?" Answering, we can say that it is impossible to live a full life without love, and therefore you need to fight your fear to the end, leaving it not the slightest chance to return!

    New relationships always evoke a whole palette of emotions - joy, excitement, adrenaline in the blood plays, I want to show my best side. But all this can be overshadowed by such a complex feeling as fear.

    The nature of fear is in each of us, and it is foolish to say "I am not afraid of anything." Afraid. And the fear of a new relationship is a very common phenomenon, since there can be many reasons for such fear. What options? For example, the previous relationship ended badly, it was painful after the breakup, and you don't want to live this pain again or something else. Whatever your fear feeds on, not starting a new relationship because of it will not be the smartest move, and therefore let's figure out how to stop fear. You want your happily ever after, right?

    So, what is fear, we figured out in general terms. I will add only one addition - the reasons for your fears, recurring emotions, feelings, experiences and reactions to some situations need to be looked for in the past. So get ready to turn around and see - what from the past are you dragging with you and how does it affect you?

    In the fight against your fear of new relationships, let's start with analysis.

    Step 1. Review your previous experience

    If your past relationship has traumatized you, think about what was most painful? What was the basis of conflicts, quarrels, etc.? The answers to these questions will help you to gather and see the situation from the outside, as well as understand what lies behind your fear. If you had a very good, warm and light relationship, then write five points why they did not work out, what prevented them from developing. These points will help you analyze everything, see mistakes and avoid them again.

    Step 2. Understand that there are no guarantees and will not be

    No one in the world will tell you, "This man will love you all his life and carry you in his arms, you will have ten children and you will die in one day." If you forget about fortune-tellers, then really no one will ever give you guarantees (and a fortune-teller will not). Why? Because the world is changing, you are changing, circumstances are changing. Maybe after ten years of marriage, you yourself will say "Tired", get on a plane and drink cocktails on a beach somewhere in Malibu, hugging a burning handsome man? You see, you yourself cannot give guarantees, predict the future with absolute certainty - how can you expect them from another person? If now you want to say: "Yes, I am not like that, I will not do that," I remind you of the popular wisdom - "Do not renounce."

    Step 3. Build logical chains

    As a rule, people live by the principle "Fear has big eyes" and are afraid of everything that either never happens or has much smaller consequences. Therefore, write down your three most important fears in a new relationship, feel these fears and build a chain of cause-effect from each. For example, you are afraid that a man will cheat on you. What will happen next? You will be hurt. What then? You will part with him. And then? Be picky about men. And then? Meeting a new one. Is the principle clear? Write your fears and understand that the devil is not so terrible as he is painted.

    A person who looks at life negatively through the prism of past experience, what does he think? "Relationships are new trauma." Oh, is it? If you think so, then it will be so. Look at every new relationship, and your whole life as a whole, as a set of new opportunities, impressions, travel, acquaintances, etc. A positive outlook on the world can greatly change life itself, because the ability to see opportunities is one thing of the key traits you need to be happy.

    Step 5. Trust gradually

    It's okay to be afraid of new relationships, especially if the previous ones didn't end well. Any relationship is associated with trust in another person. And trusting 100% is very difficult, but think about it, is it necessary? I'm not talking about the fact that a man should be trusted for ten percent, and then after twenty years of marriage. No, but intelligence is important.

    Perceive your man as a person who is here and now next to you, enjoy this moment, plan something with him. But in the first month of acquaintance, you should not move to him with all the things, buy an apartment on a mortgage, arrange it, a mortgage, that is, for yourself, and start working on five children at once. It sounds ridiculous, and I'm sure you yourself understand it, but many girls, unfortunately, make such a mistake, and then cry and live in a state of deep dissatisfaction. Trust is born gradually, and you yourself will feel it. Therefore, first feel, and then rush into the pool with your head, so that later you do not read such articles again.

    Step 6. Method for PRO-upset people - don't try to hide your fear

    Why for PRO downloads? Because pumped people do not run from the problem, but admit it. Don't try to hide that you are afraid of a new relationship. Better tell the man honestly: “You know, I had a negative experience in a past relationship, and it seems that I still have not been able to live it normally, and therefore I am afraid of a new relationship. Let's treat each other carefully so that no one gets hurt, okay? " In this case, you open up just as much as your boundaries allow - you do not go into details, but dot the i's.

    There are not so many steps, and they, in general, are not so difficult, but the main difficulty is implementation. If you are really afraid of a new relationship and this prevents you from living fully, do not postpone step 1 until tomorrow. Start today, because, as practice shows, “tomorrow” never comes in such matters. Set a goal for yourself, be patient and courageous, and you will succeed.