Relationship of a child with receptions. Relationship relations with blood parents. for or opp

Relationship of a child with admission parents

Tugovikova A.V.

Lesosibirsk Pedagogical Institute - SFU branch

lesosibirsk

For a child, a family is a whole world in which he lives, acts, makes discoveries, learns to love, hate, rejoice, sympathize. Being her member, the child enters certain relations with parents, which can have both positive and negative impact on it.

When raising adopted children, foster families often face a number of problems and need qualified assistance to psychologists for diagnosis and correction not only by the individual characteristics of the child, but also in-day relationships, the functioning of the adoptive family as a whole.

The definition of the "adoptive family" sounds as follows - this is the legal form of adopting on education in the family of children left without parental care, on the basis of a treaty, which is between citizens who wish to take a child for education, and the guardianship authority.

Consider dysfunctional motives for adoption of children who can lead to certain difficulties in raising adopted children, and sometimes tragedies.

The relationships of parents with adoptive children depending on the dysfunctional motives of adoption look like this:

motive first - in the history of the family was the death of a native child, and parents want to find him a replacement. In this case, child-parent relations are characterized by symbiotic interaction, the child is "loaded" with certain expectations from parents who do not take into account its individual psychological features. For a child, a negative self-relation, low self-esteem, he suffers from lack of emotional contacts with parents. Such a family has hard outer borders and blurred internal. For family members is characterized by rigidity in choosing roles, inflexibility. The family has many rules regulating communication, hidden conflicts between spouses are likely.

motive second - family can not have children for medical reasons, so decides to take a child in the family. Here, parental relationships are characterized by a hyperopic, a large number of expectations of parents about the child, for families are characterized by problems in marital relations. Family cohesion is high, and the mother with the child is merged, and the father is on the periphery. A feature of this motive is a large number of expectations from a child and fantasy about him at the time of adoption and during the upbringing of adoptive children.

the motive is the third - the family wants to "make a good deed", take a child in the family, caring for children in general and wishing to help them. At the same time, child-parent relations are characterized by symbiotic affection, the need for parents of a permanent expression of gratitude for their act. For adoptive parents, it is characterized by a special need for love, its lack, which is associated with a lack of love in the marital subsystem.

motive fourth - the family takes a reception child to implement pedagogical abilities, wanting to make a worthy and successful child with the help of successful education. For receiving parents of this type, there is a constantly alarming expectation of the "manifestation of an unfavorable gene pool", distrust of itself as a parent, idealization of the family situation, the fear of being a bad parent, the desire to constantly show and prove their love and care for the child. In this regard, adoptive parents can seek help from doctors and psychologists, often their children are in hospitals in treatment, and others put up rising to the central place, they are actively studying literature, visit and organize various communities in which topics associated with raising adoptive children.

the motive is the fifth - a lonely woman, without having his own family, decides to create it by adopting a child in an incomplete family. The child is entrusted to make a happy receptional mother, because for this they took it. The child is functionally and psychologically acting as a spouse, the boundaries between the children's and parent subsystem are blurred. The relationship between the individual characteristics of the child, the nature of his relationship with adoptive parents and the presence of adoptions in the family.

The dysfunctional motives of children listed by us can lead to disharmonious relations in the receiving family. Under disharmonious relations in the family we understand, in accordance with explorer E.G. Amethyller who was engaged in issues of family psychology, family relationships, this is like a certain authoritarianism, lack of mutual support and understanding, increased conflict, aggression and violence. The disharmony of family relations gives adolescent samples of impermanence, hostility and asocial behavior. Following the main thought in the works of N.A. Akkerman in the field of family psychotherapy, then disharmonious families are characterized by a low level of cohesion of parents, disagreement in the family in matters of education of children, increased conflict in everyday communication with the child and the insufficient level of emotional child's adoption, as well as breach of protection against a child.

In this regard, we conducted a survey of the adoptive family in order to identify the reasons for disharmonious relationships between child and adoptive parents and help establish favorable relations in the reception family.

Consequently, our work tasks were:

to hold a survey on the methods proposed by us;

to identify the reasons for disharmonious relationships in the replacement family.

To solve the tasks, we have prepared and carried out a methodology for identifying the personal features of the child (teenager, 15 years): the personal questionnaire "Big Five" (Avt. R. McKrae, P. Costa), studied the attitude of parents to a child using Pari Qune (Avt . E.S. Shefer, R.K. Bell).

Analyzing the results obtained by the first method - the personal questionnaire "Big Five" (Avt. R. McKrae, P. Costa), we revealed that the subject scored high points by such factors as:

Extraversion / introversion - 58 b.

Self-control / impulsiveness - 67 b.

Expressiveness / Practicality - 52 b.

This fact testifies to the direction of the psyche of the test on the extroversion. Typical extroverts differ emotionality, sociability, love entertainment and collective events, have a large circle of friends and acquaintances, feel the need to communicate with people with whom we can talk and have time to spend time, do not like you to bother with work or study, is a sharp, exciting impressions, Often risk, impulsively, implacated, on the first impulse. They have been weakened by control over the feelings and actions, so they are prone to flares and aggressiveness. They adhere to the moral principles, do not violate the generally accepted norms of behavior in society and comply with them even when the norms and rules seem to be empty formality. For life, he belongs as to the game, making actions that surrounding see the manifestation of frivity. A person who has high marks on this factor satisfies his curiosity, showing interest in various sides of life. Such a person often does not distinguish fiction from the reality of life. He often trusts his feelings and intuitions than common sense, little pays attention to current daily affairs and responsibilities, avoids routine work.

Middle Indicators Tested scored by factors:

Attachment / isolation - 40 b.

Emotional stability / emotion. Instability - 43 b.

This indicates a man's desire to be independent and independent. Such people prefer to keep a distance, have a separate position when interacting with others. They avoid public instructions. Tools belong to the disadvantages of other people. Rarely understand those with whom they communicate. They are more worried about their own problems than the problems of the people around them. They put their interests above the interests of other people and are always ready to defend them in a competitive struggle. Such people usually tend to excellence. To achieve its goals, they use all means affordable to them, not believing with the interests of other people. The average values \u200b\u200bon the factor "Emotional stability / emotional instability" characterize persons who are unable to fully control their emotions and impulsive attractions. In behavior, this is manifested as evasion from reality, capriciousness. Their behavior is largely due to the situation. They are anxiously awaiting trouble, in case of failure, they are easily falling into despair and depression. Such people are worse working in stressful situations that experience psychological tension. It is more often in good spirits, than in bad.

Interpretizing the results obtained on Pari questionnaire (Avt. E.S. Shefer, R.K. Bell), we found that according to the first indicator "Attitude to the family role", described using 8 signs, high points of them are in such signs :

Family dependence: Limitment of women's interests by family frames, concerns exclusively about the family;

Disapploughness and mother dependence (Mother's dominance is missing).

If we talk about low indicators, such signs can be distinguished: "Family conflicts", according to parents, they are not present in the family and on the basis of the "indifference of the husband" also low values \u200b\u200bare, on the contrary, means its inclusion in the family affairs.

An indicator of the second "attitude of parents to the child," includes a description of three more indicators:

1) In terms of "Optimal Emotional Contact", consisting of 4 signs (prompting of verbal manifestations (verbalization); partnerships; development of the child's activity; equalizing relationships between parents and a child), we revealed that in all grounds averages. We conclude that, according to parents, there is a good emotional contact in their family;

2) Looking for digital data in terms of "excessive emotional distance with a child", which consists of 3 signs, we found that on the signs of "irritability, quick temper" and "severeness, excessive rigor" high points. This indicates the presence of these signs from parents in relation to the child;

3) in terms of "excessive concentration on the child" (described by 8 signs) high estimates in such signs:

excessive concern, establishing relationships

creating security, fear offend

execution of empty influences

excessive intervention in the world of the child.

Thus, we found the problem of disharmonious relationships in the reception family: the test hyperopication adoptive parents andwe establish a relationship relationship, but a child, due to its individual psychological characteristics, annoying this situation and takes to aggression in their direction. On this basis and disharmonious relations and conflicts in the family arise.

In connection with the result obtained, we recommend receiving parents to reduce the measure of guardianship over the child, because excessive concern and establishment of relationships of relationships does not give a guy to become independent and independent, as he wants it. It is advisable to conduct training with family to reduce irritability and quick-temperedness. We also offer co-leisure:

Family readings or cheerful communication. The time spent on the desktop games (the game in the monopoly will help to rally, and the twister will raise the mood and will hesitate); It will be a very interesting and original joint picking puzzles made to order, so you can order a joint family photo or a photo of a pet family.

Joint visit to the cinema or theatrical presentation, departure to the Circus or in the amusement park;

We suggest a sport with the whole family, family leisure can diversify rides to nature, to the forest or on the lake, which will help strengthen the health of each family member;

Among other things, you can visit cognitive institutions and make new useful information from visiting a museum or exhibition;

All this is ralling the family, will have a beneficial effect on the atmosphere inside the family. Do not forget that the child needs to give time and for individual pastime, it is not necessary to interfere in its world.

List of sources used

1. Akkerman N.A. The role of the family in the appearance of disorders in children // Family psychotherapy. - St. Petersburg: Publishing House "Peter", 2000.

2. Baburin S.N. Handbook of adoption (adoption) and care in the Russian Federation. - M., 2004.

3. Bayard RT, Bayard D. Your Restless Teenager. - M., 1991.

4. Basalaeva N.V., Kolokolnikova Z.U., Mitroshenko S.V. Technology work with replacing families. - Lesosibirsk, 2013.

5. Krasnitskaya G.S., Podishozhan A.M. You decided to adopt the child. - M., 2001.

6. Morozova E.I. Problem children and orphans. Tips for caregivers and guardians. - M., 2002.

7. Eiderman E.G. Methods of family diagnosis and family psychotherapy. - M. - SPb.: Folium, 1996.

Nata Karlin

Depresses the fact that the number of abandoned children is growing from year to year. But it is worth proud of those families who decided to take a child from the orphanage. For the most part, these are those people who do not seek to receive a benefit on the adoptive child, they love children and want to give them a particle of heat and love.

If people take a baby from the orphanage, they raise him like a native child. There are cases when these children do not know that they are not a birthplace. But how to correctly educate the child, who is taken from the shelter at that time, when he already understands that he had no mom and dad, and now appeared? You discussed possible development options in the family, and are ready to reckon with. You are ready for the fact that a person will come to the house with his habits, tastes and interests. Now it is worth learn about some problems that can arise in the process of upbringing the adoptive child.

Reception Children in the Family - Features of Education

Are you sure that you calculated forces, and they will be enough to take in the family of the adoptive child and raise him as a native? After all, this is not a thing that can be returned to the store if she did not suit you for some other parameters. Children are disappointing disobedience, whims, hysterics and tears. And this applies not only to children from the shelter, all the children are the same. The main thing is what you need to remember - if you do not cope with commitments, and will return the baby to the shelter, you will sit in his soul hostility and hatred for people. He will finally be disappointed in himself, the life and surrounding people. After all, followed by the betrayal of relatives of the mother and dad, followed the "blow" from adoptive parents.

There are several rules, following which, you can understand - how the correct decision you are taking, taking a child-sirota in your family.

You need to know what is the child that you chose from all the children of the orphanage. Talk to educators, nanny and teachers. Hold the child to maximize the free time that you have in stock. It is impossible to rely on the behavior of the child himself. After all, each of those kids who live in the shelter, passionately dreams of finding mom and dad. The child will be "out of her skin to climb" to show himself only with the best side. Do not let yourself take a impulsive solution, spend on communicating with a baby at least a month.

After the child was already at home, the wave of Euphoria from happiness to be in the family, overlapping him with a new force. In the reception family, children of orphans adapt long. It can also be said about parents who get used to their "new" adult child. He can call you mom and dad from the moment of dating, but it does not mean that he is used to you. He really wants not to upset adults and even more to you. The child exhibits maximum activity and goodwill, he is waiting for him to praise and pay attention to him.

Adaptation.

The attack of euphoria will take a little small, and weekdays will remain. It will be necessary to live on, look for points of contact and mutual understanding in a new family. The next stage in the behavior of the admission child becomes denial and contradiction. He tries to achieve concerns and shows his character in every way. Why? Answer - it is important for him to know the boundaries permitted in this family. Here the Karlson phrase is appropriate: "Calm! Only calm! " So you save the nervous system of all family members and the family itself. Purposefully and methodically explain to the child that it does wrong. Create examples of how to behave. Do not scandal, and do not shout! However, do not allow themselves to manipulate and indulge his whims. Some parents, desperate to cope with such behavior, bring themselves to depression. Never, even at the moments of despair, do not remind a child that he must do you like adoptive parents. What if not you, he was now in an orphanage. Sooner or later, you will be ashamed for your weakness, and the child will wave you.

How long will this period last, no one knows. It all depends only on you and. The next period in the education of the adoptive child is a remuneration for your nerves and resentment.

Education of the adopted child in the family begins with these basic periods. They pass long and painfully. The total time of adaptation and addictive to both sides to each other can last up to 5 years. To, stock mass of patience and love.

Reception Children - Problem Children

If a child who is born in the family is unmanaged, the receptional children who are not yet familiar with the orders and the laws of your family will deliver some problems. Knowing in advance that you have to survive, you can prepare for problems in advance.

Even before the adoption of the child, decide each other, you will not report him in the future that he is a reception. If you think that the baby should never learn that he is not native to you, make this information does not come to him from the side. It's one thing if he hears it from you, the other is from other people's people. He will decide that you have fallen all my life, and now betrayed. Logically, this statement is not amenable to any, but, as a rule, this is exactly what adoptive children say.


When you take into the family of a child who remembers his biological parents, there are serious difficulties associated with the fact that the baby constantly holds parallel between you and his mother and dad. In comparison, two families, the first will be the best for him. Even if his parents who beat and offended him, they will be shrouded in the child's memoirs with a halo of love and longing. Get ready for such a turn of events. "Close your eyes" on these statements and comparisons. Otherwise, proving the opposite, you just restore the child.
Stereotypes towards children from the orphanage are disgusting. But, in most cases, devoid of the most necessary, these guys are seen in theft. As soon as you found it in addition that the child stole from your pocket, in the store, classmate or sisters, take action! No matter what, and in what quantity he took. The main thing - he lit on someone else's. Talk to the child, reveal the reason for his act. Provide it with everything necessary, just do not overdo it in order not to spoil.
If there are other children in the house, explain to the receiving child that in the family a lot is not like in an orphanage. If it was accepted there that all things are general and have one owner, here each family members have their own things that can be taken only from the master's permission. Try not to offend the child with this statement, it will take time, and he will get used to it.

A native child has grown in the family who knows you from birth, accustomed to the orders set in the house. For him, your love and care is the usual thing, for this you do not need to do anything and prove that he is good. With the receiving kid, everything is different. Therefore, you need to know what the child is waiting for you, whom you have taken from the shelter.

The child must be sure that you love it in any case. Feeling does not depend on any circumstances. It doesn't matter that he is poorly learning or stepped onto the tail of the cat. You must love the child not for dignity or shortcomings, but for what he is in this world and he is next to you.
Let the child understand that you respect every decision. He is worthy of respect, as a person as a person. This will allow the child and respect for themselves.
Do not so that the child is afraid of you. The feeling of fear is not the feeling that creates love and respect.
Attention in relation to the child should always be close. You need to know what happens to him, which worries and disturb him. This will allow you to take measures and avoid trouble in the future.

Those who want to take a child from the orphanage, but doubt, you need to find adoptive parents with great experience. Talk to them, tell us about what stops and scares you in the question of the adoptive child. Tips for those who educate adoptive children are reduced to the following positions:

Learn from those who have already passed a difficult way to upbringing adoptive children;
Do not lose even in difficult situations;
Faith in the Most High and his laws save from despair and help to find a way out;
Love the reception child more than yourself.

Ways to solve social problems of adoptive children

Therefore, you need to know the standard situations and ways to resolve conflicts.

A child who spent the same disadvantaged children in society, has. They are explained by the fact that the kid has always been granted to himself. Nobody explained nothing to him, did not talk to him, and did not solve his problems. Therefore, do not "fight" from the first days. First, determine the cause of fear, its origins. Act step by step - first shook the confidence of the baby, give him the opportunity to tell about my fear, and then decide to solve this problem together.

The accustomed to live among people who know his capabilities and abilities, appearing in the new team, the child becomes an outcast. After all, children are cruel, they do not worry the true motives of why a classmate does not want to communicate with them. They deny his presence, and try to "pump". Maybe the reason that the child is poorly learning in reluctance to learn and go to school.

Injury the child in the knowledge of the new. . Twos are fixed with fives that children get as soon as they feel the strength and understand that it is interesting to get knowledge.

Film children need to be explained what money is. It is necessary to give an accurate wording of how to use them, and which benefits can be obtained if rationally use the means. Let the child have some amount of money once a week. Together with him, determine the material benefits that he wants to get. Depending on the fact that the baby has conceived to buy, put the goal. Explain to the child that if he wants to buy a bicycle, then the transmission of the whole amount you betrayed him regularly, he will not come to his goal. Distribute the child's pocket tools as follows:

School breakfasts;
Travel to school and back;
Current expenses and popcorn;
The amount you want to postpone to buy a bike.

If you think about taking a child from a shelter or orphanage, prepare morally in advance to the fact that from this point on your life will change. Patience and love will help you in this noble matter.

February 15, 2014, 14:12

A lot, a lot of yesterday's kids, now have already grown, otherwise adults, independent, having their families, their children, and know do not know that they are raised from abandonment, from oblivion, from betrayal - the heart and holy power of motherhood who did not give birth to them Women.

Albert Likhanov. Dramatic pedagogy.

Most children live in families. Among the multitude of family models, families who have adopted or adoptive children are occupied by a special place. In turn, such families can consist only of adoptive children and adopted their parents or adoptive children in the family, where their own children are already available. Therefore, the psychological problems faced by adoptive families are largely dependent on what the structure (numerical and personal composition) of such a family is.

The entire civilized world of children remaining without parental care is arranged in families. In so-called children's institutions, abandoned children are exactly so much time as needed to find them a new family. And at the same time not so important, adopt the child or take under the custody, it is important that he will live at home, in the family. Children's houses are only in Russia.

At the same time, it should be noted that the problem of placing children in orphanages as such appeared in Russia only in the twentieth century. Up to this period, if the child became an orphan, it was usually taken to their upbringing relatives. So the child continued to live in the family. Education of orphans has always been considered an awry business. In government agencies, children from impoverished noble birth or children of the military were usually brought up. Children's homes for orphans appeared in Russia after 1917, in which children left without the care of adults. Unifaceted statistics show that today in Russia children left without parental care, about 800 thousand. But these are only those of them who are in public accounting, and no one can not count anyone-free. It is believed that "children's children" in the country of approximately 600 thousand, but along with it are called other numbers: two million and four million. It means that even in the most modest calculations, in Russia almost one and a half million abandoned children. Every year more than 100 thousand children are revealed in the country, due to the different circumstances of the parents left without care. 

Although the system of social content and guardianship was considered a long time quite acceptable to raise the child, specialists have long celebrated a very important pattern: graduates of children's home is practically unable to create full-fledged families, their children, as a rule, also fall into orphanages. Unfortunately, among people who have swallowed the law, the pupils of orphanages are most often found. Therefore, on this background, the definition of children devoid of parental guardianship, families especially welcome. Unfortunately, only 5% of children from the number of remaining without parental support are adopted. This is due to the many difficulties of the most detailed order, inevitably arising on the path of those who expressed the desire to give a child a family, which he lost not in his will. One of the serious problems still remains the secret of adoption. Russian adopters are afraid of all life that their mystery will reveal, and therefore often change the place of residence to preserve peace of mind and ensure the socio-psychological well-being adopted child. At the same time, recently there is a tendency to adopt the adoption of children if there is their own in the family, so the need to maintain it in secret disappears. However, this does not mean that adoptive parents will not come up with a number of problems in building relationships with a non-rigid child, as well as in establishing contacts of native children and receptions. Therefore, we will focus on these issues in more detail.

As a rule, children who do not receive appropriate education in the parent family are placed in the reception family. They may suffer from malnutrition and lack of care, not have medical treatment and supervision, transfer various forms of physical, mental or sexual violence. Children, whose parents were also not engaged in education due to the lack of pedagogical skills or because of a long sickness may also become adopted "pets. Thus, the adoptive family becomes a kind of "ambulance", the main purpose of which is to hold and protect the child in a timely manner in the crisis situation.

At first glance, it may seem that the upbringing of adoptive children is no different from the upbringing of relatives. Indeed, the tasks of the upbringing and relatives, and receptions are the same, especially if the adopted children are small. However, there are also special points that need to know and take into account adoptive parents; They need the ability to help adopted children enter the family. And this is not very easy to create conditions for adaptation so that the children felt like full members of the new community.

Psychological problems of the family who took the child's education can be divided into two groups. First group These problems are associated with the peculiarities of experiences, behavior and expectations of adoptive parents. Second- It concerns the difficulties of entering a new family and adapting the adopted child in it. These problems are closely related to each other, however, in their content there are its own specific features, which should be taken into account both adoptive parents and representatives of special care services and guardianship, which are engaged in adoption issues.

Psychological problems of adoptive parents.

Adoption since the time of ancient Rome is an important social institution. However, the attitude towards him is ambiguous: some believe that the child is better to live in the family, others, on the contrary, talk about the benefits of public education in special institutions. This is not surprised, because someone else's child in the family is always something unusual. Especially this is unusual for people who decided to take on the upbringing of the child, which they practically do not know anything. The receiving parents are not easy to get rid of some uncertainty and a certain tension, when after a long oscillation they finally take such a responsible decision and realize that they actually became educators, and now another human destiny depends only on them. Many have long accompanied by the "educational tremor": whether they will be able to cope with their obligations and safely hold a child through the reefs of life, to satisfy fullness of his mental needs, helping him to become an independent and unique person.

A child who has lost his own parents is necessary for full development, a marital environment, filled with love, mutual trust and respect. Spouses who cannot have their children have many parental needs remaining unsatisfied, and many parent feelings remaining unfinished. Therefore, with adoption, there is a meeting of unsatisfied needs of one and the other side, which allows them to achieve mutual understanding faster. However, in life, everything is not always going through so smoothly as he dreamed: a newly created children-parent union, although noble, but very fragile, so it is so necessary attention, help and psychological support. There are certain dangers in it, which should be known for receiving parents, to warn them in a timely manner.

There is an opinion that the biggest danger for family community - disclosure of secrets of adoption. And adoptive parents, yielding to such a delusion, take different precautions: stop meetings with acquaintances, move to another area or even the city to protect the child from a possible spiritual shock associated with the disclosure of this family secrecy. But the experience shows that all these precautions are not effective enough, and the most firm guarantee is the truth that the child must learn from its adoptive parents. This is true is the most important condition for a good educational atmosphere. And if the child from the first days of stay in the receiving family grows with the consciousness that he is "awkward," but it is liked the same as the rest of the children, then the family union is not threatened with a serious danger.

The second danger of adoptive parents is connected with the hereditary qualities of the child.Many of them fear "bad heredity" and all their lives are tensely followed the peculiarities of the adopted child's behavior, looking for a manifestation of those "vices" in it, which biological parents were awarded. Of course, it is impossible to change the natural type of nervous system and turn the weak ability of the child to talent even with the most heroic efforts and a tireless educational diligence of adoptive parents. But it is almost all that education can not. For everything else, associated with the identity of the child, it can successfully affect. Many bad habits that the child acquired in the previous environment, a special manner of behavior, which he tried to balance the emotional limitations of his life, the lack of practical knowledge and skills of benevolent interaction with other people - with all these purposeful, consistent and filled with love. Education can perfectly cope. Most importantly, what is required of adoptive parents is patience and readiness to provide the necessary help with a new family member in order to go to that life to which he is not used to.

Often it is possible to face the opinion that the most difficult problems in the situation of the formation of a new family union are associated with the peculiarities of the behavior of children. However, the practice shows that parents themselves are the weakest link of such a union. Sometimes they are overly inflicted from a long expectation of their forecasts that for some reason they do not hurry to come true, so they are trying to rush and "spur" the child. Often, taking responsibility for another person, they are full of uncertainty and do not imagine what joy and care will bring them a "someone else's" child. Often they hit their unrealized parental feelings on the child, forgetting that he could not be prepared for them and therefore forced to defend themselves from the emotional flow on him. In people who have just become parents, there is a tendency to make increased requirements for their children with which it is simply not able to cope. And although they declare out loud that they will be completely satisfied, if their son (or daughter) will study mediocrely, in the depths of the soul they put higher goals, which he, in their opinion, must achieve. Others, on the contrary, believe only in heredity and fearfully expect that the child adopted from its biological parents: deviations in behavior, illness and much more unattractive and unwanted for the family and the full development of the child himself. For this reason, they are often secretly watching the behavior of the child, occupying an expectant position. Inappropriately manifested in the behavior of the child, in the view of adoptive parents, manners and hobbies they tend to attribute to bad heredity, without thinking about the fact that it may not be anything else, as a response to unusual living conditions in a new family. In addition, the child can constantly pursue the thoughts and memories of his biological parents, which he continues to love in the soul, despite the fact that life with them was not so prosperous as now. He dwells in confusion and does not know how to behave: On the one hand, he still continues to love his native parents, and on the other hand, has not yet managed to love the parents of the receptions. For this reason, his behavior may differ inconsistency and inconsistency, it is afraid of his attachment to the adoptive parents "offend" his previous ones. Sometimes aggressive behavioral reactions in relationships with adoptive parents have nothing more than psychological protection on those internal contradictions that they experience, loving at the same time non-native and native parents. Of course, such a child's behavior is very painfully perceived by his new parents who do not know how to behave in such a situation whether it is worth punishing it for certain misconduct.

Sometimes receptionable parents they are afraid to punish the child Because of the concerns that he could feel someone else's people for himself. Sometimes, on the contrary, they fall into despair because they do not know how else to punish him, because all the punishment is useless - nothing has nothing to do. If it is clearly to imagine that the educational effect of punishment is the temporary gap of the emotional relationship between the child and adults, then it is easier to understand that it is not necessary to be afraid of it. It is important that for the punishment forgiveness, reconciliation, the return of the former relationship, and then instead of the alienation, the emotional connection is only deepened. But if the emotional relationship in the reception family is not yet configured, then no punishment will have the desired impact. Many children who fall into foster families simply have not yet learned (not accustomed) to someone to love someone, to someone emotionally attached, feel good in the conditions of a maritime environment. And what is usually taken to be punished, they perceive quite indifferent, just like natural phenomena - snow, thunderstorm, heat, etc. Consequently, first of all, the family needs to build an emotional connection, and this requires time, patience and condescension from adoptive parents.

On the adoption Cannot look how to sacrificebrought by the child new parents. On the contrary, the child himself gives a lot of adoptive parents.

Worst of all, if adults, adopting the kid, thereby trying to solve some of their problems. For example, it is suggested to preserve the disintegrating maritime union or see a kind of "insurance" in the old age. It happens that, having a single child, the spouses are trying to find a peer or companion for him, that is, when the adopted child serves as a means to solve some personal or intimidarian problems of adults, and is not a target oriented on him and achieved for the sake him. Perhaps the situation itself is the situation when a child is taken into a foster family in order to make her life more filled with if the adopted parents see their continuation in the future and believe that their union is equally useful to both parties.

Psychological difficulties of adapting adoptive children in the family.

Children fall into someone else's family for various reasons. They may have a different life experience, in addition, each of them has their own individual needs. However, each of them is experiencing a psychological trauma inflicted with parting with his native family. When children are given to raising the foster family, they can be separated from people whom they know and who are trusted, and put in a completely different, someone else's situation for them. Coming coming to a new surrounding and new living conditions is associated with a number of difficulties, to cope with which the child without the help of adults is practically unable.

On how the child takes separation, they influence the emotional bonds that arise in early childhood. At the age of six months to two years, the child is affected by a person who will mostly encourages it and most sensitively reacts to all needs. Usually, such a person is a mother, since it is she who most often feeds, clothes and cares for the child. However, not only the satisfaction of the physical needs of the child contributes to the formation of these or other attachments. It is very important to emotional attitude towards him, which is expressed through a smile, body and visual contact, conversations, i.e. Full communication with him. If the child has no attachment for two years, the likelihood of their successful formation at an older age is reduced (the bright example of this is children, from birth in special institutions, where there is no permanent individual contact with adults careful).

If the child never experienced any attachments, he usually does not respond to parting with his native parents. And on the contrary, if he had a natural attachment to members of his family or people who replaced them, he would most likely be violent to react to the fact that he is taken from the family. The child may have real grief for a while, and everyone experiences him in his own way. It is very important that adoptive parents can anticipate the child's reaction to parting with relatives and showed sensitivity.

Reception parents can help children cope with their sorrowful feelings, taking them as they are, and helping them to express their feelings with words. Often this may be due to an ambivalent attitude towards its parents. On the one hand, they continue to love them, and on the other hand, to experience frustration and resentment on them, because it is because of their fault they have to live in a foreign family. The feeling of confusion that children experience because of the feeling of love and longing in their family and hatred for parents for their imaginary or real acts is very painful. Being in a state of protracted emotional stress, they can aggressively perceive attempts to get adopted parents with them. Therefore, adoptive parents need to provide for such reactions from adopted children and try to help them get rid of their negative experiences as soon as possible and adapt in a new family.

Receiving parents it is very important to understand that children are not less than adults, difficulties, getting into new living conditions. At the same time, due to age characteristics, they adapt faster to changed circumstances and often either do not realize, or simply do not think over the difficulties of a new life.

The process of adapting the child in the receiving family passes through a series of periods, on each of which arise social, psychological, emotional and pedagogical barriers.

The first adaptation period is familiarization. Its duration is small, about two weeks. The most bright during this period is manifested social and emotional barriers.Special attention should be paid to the first meeting of potential parents with the child. Here is important preliminary preparation for the meeting and the other party. Even little children are worried about this event. On the eve they are excited, they cannot fall asleep for a long time, become fussy, restless. Older children feel a sense of fear before meeting with alleged adoptive parents and can apply to the people around them (educators, medical professionals) with the request of them not to give them, leave in the orphanage (hospital), although they revealed their readiness to live in the family, leave New parents to any country. Senior preschoolers and schoolchildren appear fear of unfamiliar speech and learning a new language.

At the time of the meeting, emotionally responsive children willingly go towards future parents, some rushes to them with a cry of "Mom!", Hug, kiss. Others, on the contrary, become overly compound, pumped to the accompanying adult, do not let go of his hand, and the adult in this situation have to suggest them how to approach and what to say to future parents. Such children with great difficulty part with the usual surroundings, cry, refuse to meet. Such behavior often puts adoptive parents to a dead end: it seems to them that they did not like the child, they begin to worry that he would not love them.

Establish contact with such a child is easiest through unusual toys, items, gifts, but at the same time adopters need to take into account age, sex, interests, level of child development. Often, for the establishment of contact with the child, adults have to "fall by principles", as if to go on the child, to indulge his desires, because it is difficult for the prohibitions and restrictions during this period to achieve the location of a small person. For example, many children from the orphanage are afraid to sleep alone, stay in a room without adults. Therefore, at first, it is necessary to either take a child to his bedroom, or be along with him until he falls. Disciplining educational restrictions, punishments will have to be applied later when such a child gets used to new conditions, adults as their relatives. To teach a child to the regime, new order under these conditions you need tactfully, but persistently, constantly reminding that he forgot. It is natural for any person, even an adult who has fallen into new conditions. Therefore, the first time of the child should not overload various rules and instructions, but also to retreat from their claims either.

Surrounded by a child, many new people appear, which he is unable to remember. He sometimes forgets where Dad and Mom will not immediately say, as their name, confuses names, related relationships, asks: "What is your name?", "And who is it?" This is not evidence of bad memory, but is explained by the abundance of impressions that the child is not able to learn in a short time staying in a new environment. And at the same time, quite often, sometimes completely unexpectedly and, it would seem, at the best time, children recall the former parents, episodes and facts from the same life. Begin to share impressions spontaneously, but if you specifically ask about the former life, they turn out to be answered or say reluctantly. Therefore, it should not be focused on this and allow the child to spill their feelings and experiences associated with the same life. The conflict that the child is experiencing is not knowing who he should identify himself may be so strong that he is not able to identify himself with either the same family or the current one. In this regard, a very useful for the child will help in analyzing his own feelings underlying such a conflict.

Emotional difficultiesthe child is, the acquisition of the family is accompanied by the experience of joy and anxiety at the same time. This leads many children into a feverish-excited state. They become fussy, restless, more grade and can not focus on something one long. In this period, the inquiritancy and cognitive interests are becoming an increase in child circumstances and cognitive interests. Literally fountain from him splashes questions about everything that surrounds it. The task of adult is not to hide from these issues and at the affordable level to patiently explain everything that interests him and worries. Gradually, as the cognitive need associated with the new situation is satisfied, these questions run out, since much child will become understandable and in something he will be able to figure it out.

The children are found, who in the first week closed in themselves, feel fear, become sullen, with difficulty come to contact, do not talk to anyone, they do not part with old things and toys, they are afraid to lose them, often cry, become apathetic, depressive, Either the attempts of adults establish the interaction correspond to aggression. In the international adoption at this stage there is a language barrier, which greatly impede contacts between the child and adults. The first enthusiasm from new things, toys are replaced by misunderstanding, and, while staying alone, children and parents begin to be impossible to communicate, resort to gestures, expressive movements. Meeting with people speaking in his native language, children are distinguished from their parents, asking not to leave them or take them to themselves. Therefore, adoptive parents should consider the possibility of the emergence of such difficulties of mutual adaptation and prepare in advance to find the necessary funds to their fastest elimination.

The second period of adaptation is adaptive. It lasts from two to four months. Having mounted in new conditions, the child begins to look for a line of behavior that would satisfy adoptive parents. Initially, he almost unquestionedly obeys the rules, but, gradually getting used, tries to behave as before, looking after, what does it like, and what does not like others. There is a very painful breaking of the established stereotype of behavior. Therefore, adults should not be surprised to surprise the fact that before a cheerful and active child suddenly becomes a capricious, often and for a long time crying, begins to fight with parents or with acquired brother and sister, and sullen and closed begins to show interest in the surrounding, especially when no one Watches, the emotion works. Some children have a regress in behavior, there are lost positive skills: they cease to follow the rules of hygiene, stop talking or begin to stutter, they may have to resume earlier violations of health. This is an objective indicator of significance for the child of the previous relationship, which make themselves to know at the level of psychosomatics.

Reception parents should be borne in mind that the child can brightly manifest the absence of skills and habits necessary for life in the family. Children ceases to like brushing his teeth, lay the bed, restore order in toys and things if they were not accustomed to it before, since the novelty of impressions disappeared. A large role in this period begins to play the identity of parents, their ability to contact, the ability to establish trust relationships with the child. If adults managed to arrange a child to themselves, he refuses that he does not receive their support. If an incorrect educational tactic was chosen by adults, the child slowly begins to do everything "called." Sometimes it is looking for the opportunity to return to the previous lifestyle: begins to ask for guys, recalls educators. Older children sometimes run away from a new family.

In the second period of adaptation in the reception family, very brightly detected psychological barriers:incompatibility of temperaments, character traits, habits, memory problems, undeveloped imagination, narrowness of the horizons and knowledge of the surrounding, lag in the intellectual sphere.

In children raised in orphanages, his ideal of the family is formed, each living his mother's waiting with dad lives. The feeling of the holiday, walks, joint games is associated with this ideal. Adults, engaged in everyday problems, sometimes do not find a child for a child, leave it alone with them, considering it great and quite independent, able to find a lesson in the shower. Sometimes, on the contrary, they overly take a child by controlling each step. All this complicates the process of entering the child in a new social environment for him and the emergence of emotional attachment to adoptive parents.

Essential in this period acquire pedagogical barriers:

lack of knowledge of the parents about the peculiarities of age;

inability to establish contact, trusting relationships with a child;

an attempt to rely on his life experience, that "we were so brought up";

the difference in views on the upbringing, the effect of authoritarian pedagogy is detected;

the desire for an abstract ideal;

heavy or, on the contrary, lowered child requirements.

A successful overcoming of the difficulties of this period is evidenced by the change of not only behavior, but the appearance of the child: the expression of his face changes, it becomes more meaningful, lively, "flourishing". In international adoptions, it was repeatedly noted that the child began to grow hair, all allergic phenomena disappear, the symptoms of previous diseases disappear. He begins to perceive his foster family as a native, tries to "fit out" in those rules that existed in it before his appearance.

The third stage is addictive. Children are less and less remember the past. The child is good in the family, he almost does not remember his former life, appreciating the benefits of staying in the family, an attachment appears for parents, responding feelings arise.

If the parents could not find an approach to the child, he started to pronounce all the previous deficiencies of the person (aggressiveness, closure, disbursement) or unhealthy habits (theft, smoking, desire for vagrancy), i.e. Each child is looking for his way of psychological protection against all that does not suit him in the foster family.

The difficulties of adapting to adoptive parents can give to know about themselves in adolescence, when the child wakes up interest in his "I", the history of its appearance. Adopted children want to know who their real parents, where they, the desire arises to look at them. This creates emotional barriers in parental relationships. They arise even when the relationship between child and adoptive parents are beautiful. The behavior of children changes: they will closes in themselves, they are taking, begin to write letters, they are sent to search, ask everyone who is somehow relate to their adoption. An alienation may occur between adults and children, it may disappear since the sincerity and confidence in relationship.

Experts claim that the older the child's age is, the more dangerous for his mental development adoption. It is assumed that a larger role in this is the desire of a child to find its true (biological) parents. Approximately 45% of adopted children's adopted mental disorders, according to a number of authors, are associated with the constant thoughts of the child about his real parents. Therefore, families taking care of children should be aware of the specific skills that they have to learn primarily. Reception Parents need the skills of establishing and maintaining relations with institutions dealing with adoption issues. In addition, they should be able to interact with legal authorities during the adoption of the child.

What depends the duration of the adaptation period? Does the barriers arising in his process are so complex and have their occurrence? It is quite natural that these questions may not disappoint adoptive parents. Therefore, they should assign several immutable truths that will help to cope with the difficulties of the adaptation period in the family.

Firstly, it all depends on the individual characteristics of the child and from the individual characteristics of the parents. SecondlyMuch is determined by the quality of the selection of candidates for adoptive parents to a specific child. ThirdlyIt is of great importance to the preparedness as the child itself to changes in life and parents to the peculiarities of children. Fourth, It is important to the degree of psychological and pedagogical education of adults about relationships with children, their ability to competently use these knowledge in their educational practice.

Features of upbringing in the reception family.

When adopting a child, the adoptive parents need the ability to create a favorable family situation for it. This means that they should not only help the child adapt in new conditions for him and feel like a full member of his family adopting his family. However, new parents should help ensure that the child can understand his native family and do not interrupt contacts with her, because it is quite often for children to know that they still have native parents who are as part of their ideas about themselves. yourself.

Adoptive parents may require the skills of interaction with children of older, if they lived before adoption in certain children's institutions that replaced them with the family. Therefore, they could have individual emotional problems to cope with which adoptive parents could only be able to have special knowledge and skills of education. Adsid parents and adopted child can belong to various racial and ethnic groups. Relevant parent skills will help adopted or adoptive children to cope with the feeling of separation and convergence from their former world.

Sometimes children who took up tyggy may not know how to communicate with adoptive parents due to bad relationships in their native family. They expect them to be brutally punished for minor misconduct or that adult will be indifferent than they do, until they interfere. Some children may be hostile to tune towards adoptive parents, because it seems to them that everyone has conspited to pick them up from their native family, or because they cannot cope with anger, fear and hurt the feelings that they experience to their own parents. Or children may be hostile to relate to themselves and make actions that harm them first. They may try to hide or deny these feelings, pulling away from adoptive parents or manifesting them complete indifference.

The feeling of confusion, which children experience, on the one hand, due to the feeling of love and longing in their family and, on the other hand, hatred for parents and themselves for imaginary and real acts, is very painful. Being in a state of emotional stress, these children can perform aggressive actions against adoptive parents. All this should know those who decided to take a serious adoption step of the child, brocessing with their native family.

In addition, the child may have mental, mental and emotional deviations, which will also require special knowledge and skills from adoptive parents.

Very often, children, especially up to ten years, are absolutely not understood why they are taken from their native family and put on raising in someone else's. Therefore, they later begin to fantasize or invent various reasons that in itself destructive. Often the emotional state of children is characterized by a whole range of negative experiences: love for parents is mixed with a feeling of disappointment, because it is their asocial lifestyle led to separation; feeling of guilt for what is happening; low self-esteem; Waiting for punishments or indifference by adoptive parents, aggression, etc. This "train" of negative experiences stretches for a child in a reception family, even if the child was in the center for a long time and went through a course of rehabilitation and preparation for life in the new Surrounding. Obvious, also, the inevitability of these experiences on the atmosphere of the adoptive family, requiring the revision of the established relations between its members, mutual concessions, specific knowledge and skills. With a large probability, you can conclude that parents who can realize the essence of new relationships in which they enter the initiative in this process will be able to better predict and analyze the process of education, which ultimately lead to creative and successful family life.

Most of the responsibility for the process of social formation of a child, as well as his personal and psychological development lies at the receptional parents.

Both adoptive children and adoptive parents, as well as their native children, too, need time to adapt to habits and features taken to raise the child. At the same time, native children are not less than the receptions need to protect their interests and rights. In the development of relations between the adoptive child and their own children, it is very important that the latter have the right to vote in the decision on the adoption of another child. Native children can have invaluable help with care if they, firstly, are aware of the importance of their tasks and, secondly, they are confident that they have solid positions in the family. Very often, native children are much better than parents, can help newcomer to get used to the routine of the family day, express their feelings, get acquainted with neighbors, etc. Native children can serve for the adoptive child with an example of interaction with parents, especially if the relationship of the child with adults in his Former family left much to be desired.

A difficult situation consists in a reception family, in which parents constantly compare their children with admissions. At the time of comparison, the "bad" child is forced to be bad and unconsciously go bad. Parents are alarmed, begin to raise, prohibit, threaten - from here again a bad act because of fear, which will refuse him.

Therefore, it should be partitioned on the nature of the parent relationship in those families, which for various reasons after a certain time refuse to receive a reception child and return it to the shelter. Features characteristic of this group of families are manifested primarily when learning the motives of family education and parental positions.

You can highlight two large groups of upbringing motifs. Motives, the emergence of which is more connected with the life experience of parents, with the memories of their own children's experience, with their personal features. And the motives of the upbringing arising more as a result of married relations.

upbringing as a realization of the achievement need;

upbringing as the implementation of ultra-subject ideals or certain qualities;

education as a realization of the need in the sense of life.

education as an implementation of the need for emotional contact;

education as a realization of a specific system.

This separation of the motives of upbringing in the receiving family, of course, conditionally. In the real life of the family, all these motivational trends emanating from one or both parents and from their marital relations are intertwined in daily cooperation with the child in the Being of each family. However, the above delimitation is useful, as it allows, when building the correction of motivational structures, to make the psychological impact center in one family of parents, and to another to direct the impact to a greater extent on married relations.

Consider the situation of parents of adoptive children, for whom the upbringing has become the main activity, whose motive in realizing the need of the meaning of life. As you know, the satisfaction of this need is due to the rationale for himself the meaning of its being, with clear, almost acceptable and deserving the approval of the person himself, the direction of his actions. Parents who have taken children to upbringing, the meaning of life is filled with concern for the child. Parents do not always realize this, believing that the purpose of their life is completely different. Happy and joyful, they feel only in direct communication with the child and in affairs related to care about him. For such parents, an attempt is characterized by creating and maintaining an unnecessarial personal distance with a foster child. Adults and associated age and regular removal of a child from adoptive parents, an increase in the subjective importance of other people is perceived unconsciously as a threat to their own needs. For such parents, the position "live instead of a child" is characterized, so they seek to merge their lives with the life of children.

Another, but no less disturbing, the picture is observed among the parents of adoptive children, the main motive of the upbringing of which arose to a greater extent as a result of married relations. Usually before marriage, women and men existed certain, fairly pronounced emotional expectations (installations). So, women, by virtue of their personal features, have experienced a need to love and punitive man. Men, by virtue of the same features, experienced the need for the care and love of the woman. It may seem that such compatible expectations will lead to a happy, interconnecting marriage. In any case, at the beginning of a joint life between the spouses, they were prevailed with acceptable warm and friendly relations. But one-sidedness of the expectations of her husband and wife in relation to each other became more apparent and gradually led to the exacerbation of emotional relations in the family.

An attempt by one of the spouses to change the nature of its expectations in relation to another, for example, to make them inverse or mutual (harmonious) came up to opposition. The family begins to "fever". Consent is violated, mutual accusations, reproaches, suspicions, conflict situations arise. More clearly begin to sharpen and problems in intimate relationships between spouses. There is a "struggle for power", ending with the refusal of one of the spouses from claims to domination and the victory of the other, establishing a tough type of its influence. The structure of relations in the family becomes a fixed, rigid and formalized or redistribution of family roles. In some cases, a real threat to the collapse of the family may occur.

In such a situation, the problems and difficulties arising in the education of adoptive children, in the main social directions the same that arise in the upbringing of native children. Some people who wish to take up the child's education are judged by him by its external data, without taking into account his previous experiences. Film children taken from disadvantaged families are usually weak, suffering from malnutrition, the uncleanness of parents, from chronic runny nose, etc. They do not care about childish serious eyes, they are tested, closed. Among them are apathetic, fellow children, some of them, on the contrary, very troubled, annoyingly imposing contact with adults. However, in the family sooner or later, these features of the launched children disappear, children change so much that they are difficult to know.

It is clear that we are not talking about beautiful new clothes, which in sufficient quantities is usually preparing for a child's meeting. We are talking about its general form, about its environment. A child after a few months of life in a good new family looks confident, healthy, cheerful and joyful man.

Some doctors and psychologists adhere to the opinion that, it is better not to say a lot of new parents about the fate and blood parents of the child, so that they are not afraid and not to force them to live in anxiety, waiting for some unwanted manifestations in the child. Some adoptive parents themselves refuse to receive information about the child, assuming that they will be tied to it without it. However, based on practical experience, it can be argued that the receptions are better to know all the basic information about the child.

First of all, you need to learn about the possibilities and prospects of the child, about his skills, needs and educational difficulties. This information should not disturb new parents and cause them anxious concerns. On the contrary, this data should give them confidence that they are no longer surprised, and they do not recognize something that is usually known to parents about their own child. Parents' awareness should contribute to the rapid choice of their correct position in relation to the child, the election of the right upbringing method, which will help them form a real, optimistic look at the child and the process of its upbringing.

So, the receiving child came to a new family. This significant and joyful event is at the same time a serious test. If there are other children in the family, then parents usually do not imply complications, they are calm, because they are counting on their established experience of upbringing. However, they may be unpleasantly surprised and disoriented with such, for example, the fact that the child has no hygienic skills or it is badly falling asleep, wakes up the whole family at night, that is, it requires a lot of patience, attention and care from parents. At this first critical moment, some parents, unfortunately, reactant, comparing adoptive children with relatives not in favor of the receptions. Suggest and talking like children is very dangerous for all future life together.

If the parents have no children, then a somewhat different situation arises. Typically, adopted parents who have never had their children who have never had their children before take on the upbringing of the adoptive child, study many articles, brochures, however, look at everything only "theoretically", with a certain alarm for practice. The first adoptive child puts much more tasks in front of the parents than the first native child, as the adopted child surprises with its habits, demands, because he did not live in this family from the day of his birth. Before adoptive parents is a difficult task: to comprehend the individuality of the child. The smaller the child, the sooner he gets used to a new family. However, the attitude towards the family of the admission child is at first alert, first of all because of his anxiety to lose his family. Such a feeling occurs even in children of that age, in which they can not even realize this feeling and say about him with words.

The process of gaining a receiving child in a family depends on the personality of his parents adopted, from the total family atmosphere, as well as from the child himself, primarily from his age, character and preceding experience. Little children, approximately two years, quickly forget about their former surroundings. A warm attitude towards a small child in adults is faster.

Children from two years to five years have remembered more, something remains in memory of them for life. The child relatively quickly forgets the situation of the orphanage, social rehabilitation center (shelter). If he was attached there to some kind of educator, then it can remember her long enough. Gradually, a new teacher, that is, his mother, in his everyday contact with the child, becomes the closest man for him. Memories of a child about their family depend on age when he was taken from this family.

In most cases, children retain bad memories of who left their parents, so at first in their family who accepted them is incredulous in relation to adults. Some children take a defensive position, some show an inclination to deception, to the coarse form of behavior, that is, to the fact that they saw around themselves in their native family. However, children, who, with sadness and tears, remember their own, even throwing their parents, most often their mother. At the receptions of parents, this state is alarming: will this child get used to them?

Such concerns are groundless. If the child in his memoirs show a positive attitude towards his native mother, it will absolutely incorrectly correct his views or statements in connection with this displeasure. On the contrary, it is necessary to rejoice that the feelings of the child did not care, because his mother at least partially satisfied its basic physical and psychological needs.

On the memories of the child about the native family, you can not pay attention. For its possible questions, it is better not remembering his native mother, saying that he now has a new mother who will always take care of him. This explanation, and most importantly, a friendly, affectionate approach, you can reassure the child. After some time, his memories are grated, and he will cordially tied to a new family.

Children over five years old remember from their past. Schoolchildren have a particularly rich social experience, as they had their teachers, classmates. If the child was under the care of certain children's institutions from the date of birth, the adoptive family for him is at least the fifth life of the life situation. This is definitely violated the formation of his personality. If a child lived in his family to five years, then the situation experienced by him left a certain footprint, which should be taken into account when eliminating unwanted different habits and skills. It is necessary to approach the education of such children from the very beginning with great tolerance, consistency, constancy in relationships, understanding. In no case can not be resorted to cruelty. It is impossible to squeeze such a child in the framework of his ideas, insist on the requirements exceeding its capabilities.

School academic performance is usually improved after the transition to the family, as children want to deliver a pleasant to their parents. You can observe the adoptive children who like to live in a new family, the ability to suppress their memories of the native family, about the orphanage. They do not like to talk about the past.

Before receiving parents, the question usually arises: to say or not to tell the child about his origin. This does not concern those children who came to the family at the age when they remember all the people surrounding them in early childhood. Regarding a very small child, adoptive parents often experience temptation to keep silent about his past. The views of specialists and the experience of adoptive parents clearly suggest that it is not necessary to hide from the child.

Awareness and understanding of an informed child will be able to subsequently protect him from any tactless comment or a hint of others, to save his confidence in their family.

Also openly and truthfully need to answer children who want to know about the place of their birth. A child can not return to this topic for a long time, and then suddenly he has a desire to learn the details about his past. This is not a symptom of weakening relationships to adoptive parents. Even less, such curiosity acts as an aspiration to return to its original family. It is nothing but the natural desire of the child to tie together all the facts known to him, to realize the continuity of their formation as a person.

The manifestation of the emerging social consciousness is quite natural appears, as a rule, after eleven years. When adults speak with a child about his past, in no case cannot speak about his former family dismissively. The child can feel offended. However, he must clearly know why he could not remain among the former surroundings that his upbringing of another family was salvation for him. The child of school age is able to understand his life situation. If the child does not understand it, you can get into a predicaid position. This is especially true of pedagogically inactive parents. The child may be confused, with discontent to respond to the manifestation of pity for him, tenderness and hardly to transfer the requirements of adoptive parents. Perhaps even, by virtue of the requirements of the requirements, ordinary for a normal family, it can be seized in his past, regardless of the experienced suffering. In that family, he was free from duties, did not answer for his actions.

In a conversation with the child on his past, it is necessary to show art: tell him the whole truth and not offend him, help him understand everything and correctly comprehend. The child must internally agree with reality, only then he will not return to it. It is desirable with the arrival of a child in a reception family to start creating his "traditions", which will help strengthen his attachment to a new family (for example, an album with photos). The creation of family traditions contributes to the celebration of the birthdays of the child, as he previously hardly knew about such joyful experiences.

In this regard, it is necessary to pay attention to mutual appeals. In most cases, children call their adoptive parents as well as their blood parents: Mom, Dad, or as accepted in the family. Little children are taught by handling. They repeat him behind the elder children, feeling in this inner need. Older children who have already appeared to their native parents, do not need to force, they will gradually do it over time. In rare cases, the child appeals to the adoptive mother and father "Aunt" and "Uncle". This is possible, for example, in children about ten years who loved and well remember their native parents. It is quite clear that the stepmother, no matter how well it treats children, they will not be able to call mom for a long time.

If in the family who wished to take a foster child, there are small children, they must be prepared even before the arrival of the adopted son or daughter. Without training, small children can treat a new family member with great jealousy. Much depends on the mother, from her ability to calm the children. If native children have already achieved adolescent age, they should be informed about the desire of parents to take on the upbringing of another child.

Usually they are looking forward to the appearance of a new family member. Completely inappropriate in the presence of their children to talk about the lack of adopted son or daughter, with a sigh, assessing his imperfection.

In relations with receiving children, the same problems may arise as in relations with children relatives, which are in one or another age. The development of some children is relatively calm, others are so stormy that difficulties and problems constantly arise. In children taken to upbringing, after overcoming the difficulties of mutual adaptation, as a rule, the joyful period of rapid development and the formation of emotional relations occurs. The child at the age of three is desirable to educate the mother, since after all the experiences he needs to calm down and burn with his family. It is possible that his stay in the nursery makes it difficult or violates an important process of forming relations between mother and child. When the child is fully adapted to the family, he can attend kindergarten. For many educators, this period causes another critical moment: the child comes into contact with the children's team. For children who did not attend kindergarten, this critical moment arises at the beginning of school at school, when a child affects a wide social environment. In the interests of children, parents need to work closely with educators of kindergartens and teachers. It is advisable to introduce them to the fate and the previous development of the adoptive child, ask them to pay a little more attention to him, adhering to an individual approach. If the child is observed by a psychologist, then teachers, primarily a class teacher, must report this, for a psychologist will also need a teacher's information. In collaboration with the school doctor, they will take care of the further development of the child.

In preschool age with children, it is usually less serious. Sometimes, due to the lag in the development of speech, children face a children's team with linguistic difficulties, as they cannot understand each other. It is necessary to pay attention to this and, if possible, correct.

Before entering school, children pass a medical examination. If the doctor and psychologist who are watching the child, after the inspection, will advise him to give him to school only a year later, it is definitely not to resist this advice. It should be borne in mind that the receipt to the school is postponed sometimes for various reasons and native children who have incomparably the best conditions for development. Such a solution will help to level the backlog in general, the development of the child, will create conditions for the formation of confidence in their forces. The child will then be better, without voltage to absorb school material. It is impossible to underestimate the possibility of full correction of pronunciation and dictation in a child before entering school. Adoptive parents before school must be visited with a child a speech therapist.

Some children have completely defined signs in a state of health and development, which speaks of the need for their training in a special school. However, sometimes they are trying to learn at the usual school at first and only then translated into a special school. When a child, taken to the family, develops a similar situation, then some parents warned about such a possibility before the child's transfer to them, fall into panic from frustration. It `s naturally. All parents are trying to achieve their child as much as possible. However, what is more and what is better?

When the child is overloaded in an ordinary school without taking into account his physical and mental opportunities, then, despite all the efforts, he will have low performance, he will be forced to stay in the second year, in connection with which he will not feel joy from teaching, since It formed a negative attitude towards school and education at all. In a special school, the same child may become without much voltage with a good student, stand out in manual work, in physical exercises or will shift its artistic abilities. The inclusion of a student who graduated from a fully special school in the labor process is much easier than the student who threw school in the 6-7 class of ordinary school.

After enrolling the child to school (independently, in what) in the family there are new concerns. In some families, more carefully refer to the performance of children, in others - to behavior, since some children have problems with teachings, others - with behavior. The performance should be judged from the point of view of the abilities of the child. Adoptive parents would be nice to talk about it with a psychologist, consult with the teacher to know what the child is capable of. In assessing the behavior of the admission child, you do not need to be too pedantic. It is known that some "surprises" are presented from time to time. It is important to form a child with a sense of responsibility, honest attitude towards labor, to people, to educate such moral qualities as truthfulness, dedication, responsibility that we strive to develop in children in our society.

It is necessary in the daily life of the reception family to put an educational goal in the form of specific assignments to the child. Sometimes an angry parent, discussing with a receiving child of any of his misconduct, in the rustling of indignation makes a big mistake: reproaches the child, reminding him that he cannot allow himself something, because in this house there are no orders who were in his house The house that he lives now in a decent family, etc. The child may be so hard for his parent who beats his past, which will make serious misconduct. In any case, parents save calm and prudence, the thoughtfulness of the thoughts expressed, the desire to help the child to correct his mistakes.

Watching the child and the statement of its features without taking into account the preceding living conditions, without the dynamics, the quality of achievements and deficiencies in its development can lead to a serious error. Such a conclusion may forever deprive the child with the opportunity to enter a new family.

The conclusion of a psychologist should help people choose such an environment for the orphaned child, which would optimally help its development.

Psychological examination also undergo applicants who wished to take the child's education. However, many people are surprised and even consider themselves offended due to the fact that they should be subjected to a psychological survey. If the spouses or a lonely person really want to have a child in their family and are reasonable people, they easily understand the meaning and necessity of a psychological examination. If applicants refuse their plan to take the child's education only because of the reluctance to undergo a psychological examination, it is quite obvious that their need to have a child is not strong enough, and possibly sincere. In this case, it will be much better if these people refuse their intention.

The tasks of the psychological examination include the diagnosis of the motives of the decision to take into the family of a child, relations between spouses, finding out coherence in their views, equilibrium of their marital, harmonicity of the family situation, and the like. Clarity in such matters is an important prerequisite for the successful development of the child.

Several stages can be distinguished in the formation of a reception family: first The stage is to solve issues relating to the directly forming adoptive family. It is important to find not perfect people, but those who are kind to children. Adoptive parents are important to realize that they have time and emotional place for the adoptive child.

At the first stage of the formation of adoptive families, it is necessary to talk to their own children of future adoptive parents, find out their attitude to the emergence of new family members in the family. It is important that such problems in the family be solved: how parents suggest to leave a child for their care of them to work, which he will do one at home.

It is important to speak and identify such issues as the use of alcohol in the family, as it may be a factor in failure to perform the most important family functions of adoptive parents. Adsid parents must learn or be able to realize the problems of the child and find ways to solve these problems (it is necessary to understand what is behind the problem behavior of the child). We must live a positive attitude towards the admission child, cooperation with him.

The next important stage of the formation of the adopted family is a stage regarding the definition (allocation and understanding) of the challenges of the adopted child and how to solve them. It should be noted that many children in the foster family come from "difficult" families and therefore carry their features and their problems. Therefore, adoptive parents must tune in to the fact that they are likely to have to first solve the solar problems of their adoptive children and only then move to the implementation of their educational tasks, which they have determined for themselves before the adoption of the child. Without this, the process of establishing a favorable psychological climate in the family and trust relationships between new parents and adoptive children will not be fruitful.

Receiving parents can be married couples with children and without them (age is not limited, although it is desirable that these people are able-bodied), incomplete families, lonely people (women, men up to 55 years old), persons consisting of an unregistered marriage. Depending on which family in its initial form was adopted by the adoption of a child, in addition to those discussed above in children's-parent relations, problems that are characteristic of these types of a family organization may arise. Therefore, adoptive parents should be borne in mind that they will have to face double cargo of psychological difficulties in family relationships. In this regard, a problem appears mainly for adoptive families - the problem of special training of adoptive parents.

In such training, two interrelated stages can be distinguished: until adoption and after making them decisions about adopting and implementing this decision. Each of these stages is fundamentally different in the content of the training of adoptive parents.

Training of adoptive parents before making them to raise a childprovides them time in order to once again weigh the consequences that will entail the assumptions on the upbringing of other people's children. Typically, the relevant program focuses on the interaction of adoptive parents and official institutions, the problems caused by the child's concerns about the feeling of disorders from the native family and related emotional experiences, as well as communication with the child's parents (if there is such an opportunity). This training helps adopted parents to decide for themselves whether they will be able to cope with the difficult burden that voluntarily impose.

Training of adoptive parents after making them to raise someone else's childoriented mainly on the development of children, methods for maintaining family discipline and behavior management, interaction skills and problems of deviating behavior. Such a different orientation of these two types of training of adoptive parents is explained by the fact that everyday life with a foreign child imposes a large imprint on the whole family life. Adoptive parents need to understand the need for training and use primarily the information on which they can directly rely on in their daily practice. Among the problems that special attention should be drawn can be noted as follows:

teaching parents to interact with children having emotional, physical or mental deviations;

mastering the parents of the skills of relations with children experiencing difficulties in teaching;

assimilation of information and mastering special skills on cooperation with adolescents (especially previously tried);

acquisition of the necessary skills to establish contact with young children;

mastering the experience of interaction and providing the necessary psychological support to neglect children who experienced the ill-treatment of adults.

When organizing training adoptive parents, it should be borne in mind that they can have a different level of education, a different social and financial situation. Some of them are graduate and having a permanent job of specialists, others have only secondary education and work that does not require high qualifications. Currently, most of the adoptive parents (at least one of them), except for the education of other people, is engaged in any other type of activity. However, at the same time they should not forget that the education of children should be considered as a kind of professional activity, which requires special training. Therefore, when teaching adoptive parents (as, however, the parents of their relatives) should be focused on the fact that such preparation cannot be superficial and short-term and immediately give practical results. The parent profession will have to learn all their lives, because the child grows, changes, and therefore the forms of interaction with it and the types of pedagogical impacts should be changed. In addition, the adoptive parent, taking on the upbringing of an alien child, should understand that he will simply need to share his experience with other interested parties, including social workers. Adoptive parents, planning their activities in accordance with the needs of the child, should be able to work together with consultants, doctors, teachers and other specialists to learn how to resolve the problems with which they will have to face in the education of adoptive children, and eliminate those difficulties that naturally arise in any family.

In the last decade, in our country there is an increase in the number of orphans and street children. At the same time, the number of adoptions increases, and new options for the device of children deprived of parental guardianship appear (family children's home, patronage families, SOS, etc.).
For education of adoptive childrenFavoric families often face a number of problems and need qualified assistance to psychologists (and sometimes psychiatrists) for diagnosis and correction not only by the individual characteristics of the child, but also in-day relationships, the functioning of the adoptive family as a whole.

The nature of the parent relationship with education of adoptive children Determined by 3 key factors:

- the motive of adoption;
- the presence or lack of secrets of adoption and attitudes of adoptive parents to their child parents;
- The degree of flexibility of the rigidity of the family system.

Consider dysfunctional motives for adoption of children who can lead to certain difficulties when education of adoptive children, and sometimes tragedies.

Relationships of parents with adopted children depending on dysfunctional motifs of adoptionlook as follows:

Motive first. In the history of the family, the death of a native child, and parents want to find him a replacement. In this case, child-parent relations are characterized by symbiotic interaction, the child is "loaded" with certain expectations from parents who do not take into account its individual psychological features. For a child, a negative self-relation, low self-esteem, he suffers from lack of emotional contacts with parents. Such a family has hard outer borders and blurred internal. For family members, rigidity in choosing roles, inflexibility, the same applies to family rules. The family has many rules regulating communication, hidden conflicts between spouses are likely.

Case from practice.
A boy has arrived at the hospital for 14 years, who tried to poison. He decided to commit suicide, because he just (at age 14!) He found out that his parents were reception. He rushed at school, and the director called the mother, complaining of the behavior of the boy. At home, the mother arranged a terrible scandal and shouted in the hearts: "And in general, my son died and daughter at the breast, we adopted you, you survived and such a shame of the family ..."
This boy is observed in the hospital for 5 months. He has a serious depressive state, he does not want to live. Only and says that "I am guilty in my brother's death and sisters, how I live with it, and even a mother and father - not native, I still donate with me ..."

Motive two. The family can not have children for medical reasons, so decides to adopt the child. Here, parental relationships are characterized by a hyperopic, a large number of expectations of parents about the child, for families are characterized by problems in marital relations. Family cohesion is high, and the mother with the child is merged, and the father is on the periphery. As a particular option, you can consider those cases when there are no children of a certain gender, and the receiving child is selected by sexual sign. A feature of this particular case is even greater number of expectations from the child and fantasies about it at the time of adoption and during the education of adoptive children.

Motive third. The family wants to "make a good deed", take a child to the family, caring for children in general and wishing to help them. At the same time, child-parent relations are characterized by symbiotic affection, the need for parents of a permanent expression of gratitude for their act. For adoptive parents, it is characterized by a special need for love, its lack, which is associated with a lack of love in the marital subsystem.

Motive fourth. The family takes a reception child for the implementation of pedagogical abilities, wanting to make a decent and successful child with the help of successful education. For receiving parents of this type, there is a constantly alarming expectation of the "manifestation of an adverse gene pool", distrust of itself as a parent, the idealization of the family situation. At the same time, there are two options for parents' behavior, when raising adopted children. In the first case, parents often appeal for help from doctors and psychologists, often their children are in hospitals on treatment. In the second case, parents put upbringing on the central place, they are actively studying literature, visit and organize various communities, in which topics related to the education of adoptive children are discussed. It takes distrust of itself as a parent, the fear of being a bad parent, the desire to constantly show and prove his love and care for the child.

Motive fifth. A lonely woman, without having his own family, decides to create it by adopting a child in an incomplete family. For children-parent relations is characterized by symbiotic affection, difficulties of separation. The child is entrusted to make a happy receptional mother, because for this they took it. The child is functionally and psychologically acting as a spouse, the boundaries between the children's and parent subsystem are blurred. The child may have difficulty separation in adolescence, it is loaded with expectations that the spouse should be presented (for example, it should always be with the mother, maintain it in everything, etc.).

The relationship between the individual characteristics of the child, the nature of his relationship with adoptive parents and the presence in the family of adoptions in the family, as well as the attitude of adoptive parents to their native parents of the child.

Consider how the presence of adoption secrets may cause dysfunction in the relationships of children and adoptive parents.

1) Availability in the family of adoption secrets, the child does not know that it is a receiving. On the part of the parents there is a constant fear of the disclosure of mystery, anxiety, suspicion, relationship between parents and the child lose their clarity. For a child, anxiety is characterized, negative self-relation, lack of communication with loved ones. Communications in the family are violated, the external borders are very tough, the family is closed from society, it is wary of everything that beyond it. For such families, elevated cohesion and closure, many rules governing communications are characterized. Parents telling someone (doctor or psychologist) to the secret of adoption, enter into a coalition with this specialist.

2) In the family there was a secret adoption, but she was unexpectedly revealed (The child learned that he was a reception rate). Children's and parental relations are distinguished by distrust of receiving parents from a child, disappointing all family members. The child is characterized by aggression to relatives and receiving parents, fantasies develop about their relatives. Fear of family loss is observed both by the child and the parents.

3) The family is formally lacking a mystery, but the child knows only the fact of adoption itself or he does not have enough information about him. The child has violated an idea of \u200b\u200bthe family as a whole, about her borders, there is a fear of family loss. Such children include in the family of foreign people, cannot call relatives, identify related relationships. In the end, the child arises a drastic desire for his native family.

4) There is no secret of adoption in the family, but the role of native dedicers is depreciated. For a child, a negative self-erection is characterized, since it is partially depreciating the children's adoptive parents to devalue to their parents. Parents themselves are familiar with their parents, idealized.

Since the appearance in the family of the admission child requires a change in existing family relations, much in relationships with it depends on how easily the family is adapting to the changing requirements of the environment and an intra-family situation.

Consider dysfunctional family rules and borders that can negatively influence child-parent relations in the receptional families.

1) Families with the rigidity of family rules.
The appearance of a child is associated with the need to change the habits and rules of the whole family, often it is not ready for this. Children and parental relations are characterized by coldness, parents are disappointed in the child, unhappy with family functioning. For a child, a negative self-effort is characterized by a lack of emotional and personal communications with receiving parents.

2) Family with rigid family roles. If the system takes a child, coming with its appearance in balance, then any change in the social situation in the future or simply changing the child due to the development or other factors can lead to the separation of the system. In such a situation, the family should "adapt" to changes, which may be difficult due to the rigidity of family roles and functions. As a result, or crisis, symptomatic behavior arises, or a child is removed from the system (for example, hospitalized). Children-parental relations are accompanied by the uncertainty of parents in a child, frequent disappointments in it, the lack of a child's adoption as a whole. For children, a negative self-relation, aggressive manifestations, asocial behavior is characteristic.

3) Situational need for a reception child. In cases where, after some time, after receiving the child, changes in the family situation occur, and the receiving child was needed to solve situational problems, problems may also arise in parental relations. For example, if parents adopted the child, as the native daughter grew up and left the house, then in the case when she returns to live to parents, problems may arise in relations with the adoptive child. Children and parental and family relations are generally characterized by conflict, negative attitude of family members to a reception child, negative self-relation from a child, a lack of emotional and personal communication, a negative and aggressive attitude towards changing the family situation and some family members.

Case illustration:
Nikita S., 12 years old was adopted at the age of 1 year (his mother in the hospital refused him, leading his name). Then, in the house of the child Nikita received the second name. He knows about his adoption. Reception mother Nikita O.N., 54 years old, disabled second group. 13 years ago, and the son of Andrei was killed in the army (he was 20 years old). She "reached Yeltsin" with complaints in connection with the death of the Son. With the father of Andrei, she divorced when the son was 5 years old. All the time recalls the Son, says he had no bad qualities, he always helped her, and his friends still come to her regularly. After the death of Son O.N. I decided to adopt the child - she settled in the child's house to find a boy like Andrei. Finally, she succeeded: O.N. Notes that the child she decided to take into the family, "was the same smell like Andrei, there was the same mole." The boy decided to re-mire again, giving him the name of his father, and the middle name - the Son. Nikita's native mother was looking for him, came to the child's house, but O.N., still working there, she told her that he did not know anything about the fate of the boy that he was adopted. Nikita from 5 years is registered with a psychoneurologist, at the moment has a diagnosis - "Neurotic depression". The family appealed to psychotherapeutic assistance in connection with aggressive behavior ("throws in the mother chairs") and inadequate behavior (can wash in clothes). IS HE. He repeatedly declares that if Nikita leaves from her, life will lose his meaning for her. Nikita is studying in the class of correction, once he was beaten, O.N. I went to the school director and demanded the exclusion of the offender, which happened, after which the relationship in the class would deteriorate in Nikita finally. Friends who come to Nikita to visit, do not like O.N.

The main characteristics of this family system:
Family Life Cycle Stage: Stage of separation of a child, separation from parents, socialization.
Family structure: Mother - a hyper mounted role of the person essential for the Son, Nikita is used to consult with his mother and does not accept any decision without it. Nikita - the role of the deceased mother's son, spouse, his function is that the mother felt well. External borders are hard: families have no friends, guests rarely come, including the friends of Nikita. Domestic borders Blurred, between parent and children's subsystems is practically no. Family cohesion is very high, they constantly claim that they will always be together. Unbalanced, inverted hierarchy, role flexibility and family rules low.
Features of communications in the family. In the family, there is a rule that any decision of the Son can take only after the approval of the mother. If Nikita takes the steps of separation, the mother says that he feels worse, does not see the meaning of life without a son. There is a hidden conflict between the fallen native and adoptive son. Nikita is trying to show that he is not as Andrei.
Family myths. Unfortunately, there are not enough information about past generations, but the nuclear family of myth: "We are native people."
Family resources are involved in psychotherapy, the stage of the family life cycle, which requires development, Nikita, who wants to pass separation.
The results have shown that the family is at the stage of separation of the Son, which proceeds hard, due to the involvement of the child into a coalition with the adoptive mother, the wrong distribution of roles, the blurring of internal borders. In addition, we see that the mother sees Nikita his native deceased son in the receiving Son.

Can I avoid possible problems? Sure! Like any family, families with admissions can be prosperous, and maybe - and not. Very much, first of all, depends on the parents themselves.
Mandatory study of the motives of adoption, the values \u200b\u200bof the secret of adoption, the relationship to the child's native parents and the increase in the flexibility of the family system will be the guarantor that the family, adopting the child, will make it happy and will be happy herself.