Interesting Facts 

Discipline and punishment. Home Discipline: Asking the Right Questions Is Important? Reduced timeout time

You want to discipline your child, but you don't know which parenting method to use. Neither strict prohibitions nor permissiveness work for the good. There are no absolute extremes. On the contrary, all educational processes are reduced to the golden mean. To derive ideal rules, it is necessary to ask several educational psychologists for their views on the problems of education at once. This is what we end up with.

Reduced timeout time

Time for calming and consolation is given to the child so that he can comprehend a difficult situation and come to his senses. Some parents overuse this, focusing on the baby's behavior (good or bad). Recently, in the camp of parents, it is customary to go to the other extreme: not to talk to a child for a fault, to avoid communication and ignore. We chastise our children with show lectures and insist that they stop crying or indulging immediately. However, if you use this technique in a timely and correct way, you can get good dividends.

If you notice that your child is too emotional, throwing objects around the room and getting angry, then he is tired. It's time to take a short break and rest. Children should be left alone with themselves commensurate with their own age: one minute for each year. It would be better if you began to use such a measure not as a punishment for any violation. Isolation should not be taken as a shame. Psychologists believe that this technique works best on children from three to eight years old.

Punishment must match the offense

Punishments without warning, especially if they are too harsh, only cause resentment and resentment in children. Ultimately, you yourself will become confused about your requirements. The discipline is that the punishment must be commensurate with the offense.
For example, if there is a tacit rule in your family that the kid should call you after he has finished his lessons, and he violates it, it is logical to remove the mobile device from circulation for some time. But if you take away the phone for any other offense, this will not change the child's behavior and will not teach him anything. Psychologists warn that suffering is not a great stimulus. And random punishment only teaches children to fear being caught.

Don't make too many rules

Always remember this simple truth: rules are made to be broken. Therefore, the fewer restrictions you set for your own child, the better. Numerous prohibitions only create temptations that are simply impossible to resist. The catchphrase "Don't do this, otherwise it will be ..." just asks the kid to conduct an experiment and see what will happen after all.
Therefore, limit yourself only to a set of basic household rules and be sure to explain to your child why all this is needed. Don't use empty threats. If you want to take a toy away from your child as a disciplinary measure, just do it without further ado. In the end, the child will understand what actions lead to such a result, and the next time he will behave differently.

Highlight the positive

Some parents mistakenly believe that discipline punishes bad behavior. In fact, it is designed to resist flaws. That is why it is much easier to cultivate good behavior in children than to fight bad behavior later.
Just pretend your baby is good by definition. Praising him again for doing a housework well will give him extra confidence in his own abilities. If in your educational vocabulary the main word is "no", the child will feel only irritation. In addition to praise, it is effective to introduce some perks and incentives. This will help the child see the return on their good deeds and also feel your gratitude.

Stop worrying about bad behavior of your toddler in public

This is indeed the case. For some reason, we are sure that in the event of the whims of our child, those around us will think badly about our methods of upbringing. When we are with children in public, we are always afraid of this reaction. In fact, all these fears and worries are completely in vain.
If your parenting methods do not involve immediate resolution of the conflict situation, others will not think badly of you. By and large, they don't care. Therefore, do not be afraid of ghostly public condemnation and calmly follow the chosen course. Just abstract from the situation and imagine that you are not in public, but alone with your child. In addition, you can always explain your position by unobtrusively taking the baby away from a crowded place.

Take your time to take action

Despite the fact that your child is still very young, simple life situations can give him first lessons that are truly invaluable.
He sees how a neighbor boy in the sandbox hit another kid on the head in order to take away the typewriter. From the age of four, children can use logic and think over the consequences of what happened. Let your little one be a judge for a bit. Let him say whether it is good or bad to take away toys from other children or to beat them.

Do not Cry

It is so simple, but at the same time so difficult. Even if the child is constantly naughty, very agitated and again spilled milk on the floor, do not give in to your own emotions. You must be patient. The problem is that babies don't take screaming as an educational measure. They are only very much afraid of these loud exclamations. At this moment, the most primitive parts of the brain are involved in children, which are responsible for shame and anger.
Therefore, they cannot hear your admonitions. With emotional children, as well as with adolescents, things are even more serious. If you can not restrain yourself and see that the baby has turned red as a result of your anger, it is better to leave the room and come to your senses. After all, be sure to say that you are sorry about what happened. Hug your baby and apologize.

I finally found the exact wording of the desired relationship in the family - "home discipline". I read about her before, but then I came across an English-language blog, the author of which describes in great detail the details of relationships in this lifestyle - when this is not a game, namely the consciously made decision by both spouses to the husband to become the absolute Head Of the House, the head of the family, and to the wife master the role of submissive wife (submissive wife - but I like the word "obedient" more, it is somehow softer, or something ...)

I was impressed, because very similar ideas roam in my bad head. I decided to paint for myself (and to order the universe?) how this lifestyle could be implemented in our family.

About the roles: I intuitively, subconsciously, from the very beginning, wanted to see exactly Head Of the House in my husband, and the manifestations of authority on his part led to a vaguely joyful thrill. Some authority in him, I think, is in his blood, although he never wanted (consciously at least) to put pressure on me, and almost always shared with me the making of important decisions. As for the limits of submissiveness on my part, this needs to be discussed separately with my husband before the start of DD relationship.

I disagree a little with the author, perhaps: the efforts of both the dominant husband and the submissive wife are aimed at making each other happier, and the union is more productive, only they do it in different ways: he is taking control over everything process and motivation of the second half, she is giving up control to him and trying to fulfill her share of responsibilities to the maximum, giving her husband the necessary motivation with her attitude. As the captain of the ship and his crew (in a democratic family, the wife would probably be the first mate).

But - control and management is in the hands of the husband, but he and his wife are equally responsible. Otherwise, as happens in D / S pairs, the lower one becomes loose and runs into punishment for the upper one, even if it does not enjoy it. It is very important in the family to avoid this risk of the wife being irresponsible. In fact, for the wife, the essence of DD relationships is that the husband helps her in fostering responsibility, will, in the fight against laziness and overcoming disorganization and temptations. Because, as in Spiderman - big powers bring big responsibilities - if the husband is a strong-willed and strong person and fits the role of head of the family, his task is to help his wife organize herself. So - the wife gives up control and decision-making to her husband, BUT her husband keeps her informed of the matter, in a way "reports on the work done", asks her opinion. The decisive opinion - of the husband, as an absolute monarch, and the wife should accept him, BUT with a proviso - decisions concern two, and the wife should have the right of veto ( in exceptional cases, and without abusing it, of course - when both are aware that this veto is justified).

And the second point. The task of both is to "make each other happy". On the part of the wife - to switch from her own ego to caring for her beloved "neighbor", and never stop looking for ways to show her love for him - which should be a priority. But also on the part of the husband - care, protection, love and the search for means of its expression. Both must go towards each other.

Yes, the husband's joy and pleasure should be a priority for his wife, but sex without inspiration will bring him little joy ( although, almost as described by Liza above, I often agree to be intimate, even if I don’t want to myself - but in the end I feel a little guilty that I’m lying on a log ...), and sex cannot be a duty at all. Just stands shift the focus from your ego to pleasing your beloved. A woman already wants to be desired and attractive, but there is a difference - to do something for herself, or out of a sense of duty - because "It is necessary", or out of love and for the sake of a loved one. The first motivation can be effective, but ultimately destructive, like everything egocentric, the second is all the more destructive and plunges into despondency, and the third inspires.

Often in upbringing, the well-known "carrot and stick" method is used to maintain order. Discipline in the family for a child is based precisely on two extremes - joyful rewards and often harsh punishments, devoid of explanations about what is good and what is bad. On such methods of upbringing, of course, behavior is corrected, but there is a danger that the child will do something that was initially forbidden, or, on the contrary, not do something unpleasant for the surrounding things, only in the presence of adults who are able to appreciate such actions. But upbringing itself, as well as domestic discipline, should be based on milder methods that can make the child understand the basics of upbringing and behavior in the family, sharply limiting only the most dangerous or really annoying actions.

Daily schedule

The main basis for discipline is an established and properly normalized schedule of the day. And if at an early age you can easily control it, then as you grow up, the schedule of the day, bedtime and hours for other activities become an increasingly serious problem. The schedule should be based on the observance of several specific actions tied to a specific time:

  • going to bed;
  • morning rise (not necessarily early) and breakfast;
  • time for lessons and reading time, in case it is necessary to accustom the child to this process;
  • time of games;
  • lunch, dinner and possible delicious snacks;
  • time for getting ready for bed, cleaning the room and other procedures ending the day.

The schedule should not at all be normalized and unchangeable. It is possible that certain time frames are violated, for example, during the weekend, when you do not need to get up early to go to kindergarten or school. Separate indulgences are made during trips to rest and to visit relatives, but, in any case, the general frame of the day is preserved.

It is imperative that all tasks for the day be observed in accordance with the time, it is important to get rid of possible whims and other unpleasant moments, such as disturbing not only the whole day, but also for a long time spoil the mood of both the parents, the child, and the immediate environment. It is the schedule of the day that is the basis of discipline and obedience, allowing you to control the actions of the child, but at the same time give him the opportunity to make the most independent decisions.

Rules for prohibitions

To control your beloved child, as well as to introduce strict prohibitions for a variety of reasons, you need to follow several simple rules, which for some reason are often forgotten:

  • a calm tone is very important, which does not allow the dispute to develop, but as clearly and imperiously shows the need to fulfill certain requirements;
  • in addition to strict orders and requirements, it is necessary to offer the child a compromise, for example, to allow the choice of two household chores that he can do with the least amount of time and with great pleasure;
  • a child can be punished exclusively for those actions that entirely depended on his choice and decision, health problems, an unsuccessful fall during a walk and other moments simply beyond the control of the child should not be the basis for punishment;
  • the previous rule also applies to possible requirements, so you can ask a child to do something only with the confidence that this task is within his power and he can easily cope with it;
  • the boundaries of what is permissible for a child are determined by reasonable requirements and restrictions, supplemented by knowledge of what the baby can do, so the need to clean up in your room can be supplemented by the ability to watch cartoons only after the work is done;
  • It is very important for parents to learn to distinguish between sincere disobedience, directed against the parental will, from the usual childishness, inattention and other childish characteristics that do not have to be suppressed; to understand the situation, it is enough to talk with the child, try to find out what caused his disobedience, and only understanding the problem to make a specific decision related to punishment or the opportunity given to the child to “rehabilitate”.

Joint affairs

The main basis for disciplining a child. Obedience and order are joint affairs, important responsible daily tasks that he can perform with his parents, at least for the first time. Childish irresponsibility does not allow kids to approach parenting tasks with full responsibility, but it is the opportunity to do something with adults that helps children tune in to a serious mood and accept household chores or any events of the day, not only as something necessary and obligatory, but also as an interesting process, the result of which will be able to please everyone around and bring a small reward to the smallest hero of the day.

It is necessary to involve children even in those responsibilities that do not directly concern them. For example, you can ask for help with preparing dinner, walking the dog, or any other activity that adults, including parents and other relatives, or older, more responsible children in the family usually do. Thus, you can set not only an example of responsibility, but also interest the child in doing things that are useful for the whole family.

In addition, you can not only involve the child in the performance of family responsibilities, but also help them in carrying out the instructions given to them. For example, help sort toys or suggest a new system for storing books and things, sorting them out with your baby by color or some other criterion.

Sharing responsibilities, whether it be taking part in simple assignments for a child or more serious and responsible tasks that are carried out by the whole family, allows the child to concentrate on the tasks, as well as to really have fun doing this or that task with adults. Feeling as adult as parents, setting great examples and responsible.

It is also very important to follow the schedule with your child. Getting up together, having breakfasts, lunches and dinners together is a good way to bring the whole family together. This family pastime will not only teach the child to have the correct and thoughtful timetable, but also draw his attention to every stage of the day through the opportunity to interact with the family. This is especially important for weekends, which are usually characterized by complete inheritance of the weekday schedule.

The basis of all discipline and order training is strict adherence to a schedule. It is the well-thought-out structure of the day that makes it possible for a small child to understand what is permissible and what is strictly prohibited. Following a pre-set schedule of the day does not create absolute parental prohibitions for the child, but only helps to build their day by setting priorities and communicating with the family, which, by the way, by its own example, shows the maximum proximity of the course of their day to the day of the baby.