Family relationship after 20 years of living together. Path to yourself. When it is expected

Natalia Bolotina | 02/13/2015 | 1763.

Natalia Bolotina 02/13/2015 1763

Children grew up and happy in their families, but your relationship with my husband leaves much to be desired? Most likely, your married couple "covered" the syndrome of the empty family nest.

Official statistics read: about a third of the marriages concluded in Russia are terminated. Most often, a pair of marriage from 3 to 6 years and having children are given for divorce. No less often disintegrates and families who were able to grow children survived not one family crisis, were together and in the mountain, and in joy, but did not cope with the syndrome of the empty nest.

What happens when children grow

With the birth of a child, the established lifestyle pair undergo significant changes. The small member of the family becomes the object of universal attention, care and love. Often, the family structure of an updated cell of society for many years is built around the child, and the interests, the desires of the Pope and Mom are departed into the background.

However, as Shakespeare said, nothing is forever under the moon. For years, children grow up, and parents are forced to let go of their already matured boys and girls in free swimming and learn to live independently.

The syndrome of the empty nest - this term psychologists describe the state of parents whose children grew up and began to build an independent life separately.

It is harder to experience this state of a couple, the meaning of the life of which was children. Separation of children is not easy and solid mothers who brought up a child on their own.

The most typical signs of the descent nest syndrome are:

• the feeling of the emptiness and meaninglessness of life,
• animal fear for the life and fate of children,
• afraid to stay without the attention of children
• the tension of the relationship with the spouse.

Let the children learn from their mistakes

The main task of the father and mother is to prepare their children to adulthood and ... let go on time. Of course, you can find a thousand justification by your desire to be always next to the child: "Only I will save him from all life tests," he is so helpless, "without me he will die from hunger." But, as the famous teacher Yanush Korchak said, "... in fear, no matter how death has not selected a child with us, we take a child in life; Wragging from death, we do not give him to live. "

My parents, who growed three children and have already let them go to free swimming, often repeat: "We brought you up so that you can cope with any life on your own." And they succeeded. From an early age, I and my younger brother and sister studied not only to serve themselves in everyday life, but also to take responsibility for (not) perfect actions and (not) said words. We studied on our mistakes, stuffed the bumps, but at the same time the parents were always there and knew about all our misadventures, achievements, victories. And now they know. The habit of calling out every day and share news, otherwise you just have free conversations, just to hear your native voice, helps us be closer and appreciated.

How to live on?

For those who "diagnosed" or their spouse signs of empty nest syndrome, we remind: life after the departure of children Not only continuesBut can acquire brighter paints.

Did you have a lot of free time? Excellent! Now everything is available for you that you have not allowed yourself while the children were small. For example,

You can go to the alloy on kayaks on a stormy river,
become an active member of the club lovers of the Bardov song,
start singing in chore
engage in eastern dancing and charity,
You can expand the circle of friends,
Study painting or photo and even go to university!

And you can easily devote more time to your favorite work.

As for relations with the second half, it is also all in your hands.
In fact, the separation of children from the parent family is a real test for the strength of relations between spouses. If you and before with your husband were together only "for the sake of children", now each of you without a branch of conscience can start life from a clean leaf.

If the relationship with your second half is still significant for you, but the separation of children has not passed for your pair without a trace, you should not chop off my shoulder and make speaking solutions. With a mutual desire and a certain work, a couple with a 20 years of experience of family life retain not only respectful attitude towards each other, but also torture feelings.

The period when children flew out of the nest, but have not yet managed to load you with concerns about grandchildren, it can become a second honeymoon for your couple. And here we are talking not only about the spiritual, but also about physical proximity.

According to scientists from Chicago University, most people over forty continue to have sex; 38% of women and 44% of men come into sexual contact more than once a week.

You are so many years together that the desires and feelings of each other are perfectly understanding without words. And now, when you have become the full owners of your home, you do not need to hide and paint the time to be with each other alone.

Spiritual proximity, general hobbies and interests will allow you to open each other with a new, while still unknown, the parties and fall in love again. Life goes on!

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According to sociological research in the field of family relations, each family, passing some stages of development, as a rule, face crisis. It is believed that household difficulties are considered the most important complications of family life. However, in addition to life there are other reasons that provoke a crisis in the family at any stage of its existence.

The problems in the marital life arise, as a rule, when one of the spouses the crisis of a psychological nature comes, for example, a middle-aged crisis. Man, revising his life, feels self-confidence that provokes him to any changes, including family life. Significant changes in family links can make the birth of a child, entering him to school, the transitional age of the child, departure from the parental house, as well as any difficulty at work, problems in relations with relatives, deterioration or improvement of the material situation, moving to another city or Country In addition, serious reasons for changing family relations can be severe illness, death, loss of work, the birth of infallible children.

Symptoms of the occurrence of crisis:

• reducing the desire of spouses to sexual relations;
• lack of desire to like each other;
• questions regarding the upbringing of children lead to quarrels and mutual reproaches;
• too obvious discrepancies in opinions about significant issues;
• misunderstanding between spouses;
• the emergence of irritation on the actions and words of her husband or wife;
• anyone from spouses believes that it is forced to regularly give way to desires and opinions of another;
• husband and wife cease to share their problems and joys.

It is usually distinguished by several dangerous "ages" of families:
Above the first married year. Most pairs are disintegrating precisely during this period of living together, since family relationships do not withstand the tests of life. In addition, the reasons for disagreements can perform the reluctance to distribute duties, change habits, etc., adjust to another person.

A period from 3 to 5 years of married life. In this period, in almost every family, the spouses are engaged in their professional growth, decide the apartment question, and also in this period children are born. Permanent physical and nervous tension, care for children give spouses from each other, as a result of which the feeling of love is moving into a marital friendship.

In the period from 7 to 9 years of living, a crisis may also arise, which can be triggered by adding spouses to each other. This period is characterized by stability, consistency of relationships, the children have grown, everything goes as their own. However, the couples often feel frustrated in family life, since it is not the one that they imagined it before marriage. In this period, the routine and monotony becomes the main danger of the destruction of family relations, since both spouses want something new, unusual sensations.

After 16-20 years of living together, another serious crisis may come, which in most cases is exacerbated by the middle-aged crisis of one of the spouses. The spouses realize that everything in life seems to be done, everything that wanted, and at that moment a feeling of fear appears. What to do next?

Some foreign sociologists allocate another crisis period in family life: when the parent home leave adult children. At the moment, the couple loses its main merging interest - raising children. Now they stay together. Women in this period are heavier than men, as they are more busy with the house and raising children. For our country, this aspect of the crisis is less relevant, since very often children remain living with parents or parents take an active part in their future fate.

Family risk factors.
Birth of a child to save relationships. As statistics shows everything happens to the opposite. However, children can still affect the strengthening of relations between their parents, when, engaged in the problems of children, parents forget about their conflicts and put together. When children grow up, parents again remain alone with their contradictions, besides, by the time they do not know how to communicate with each other. But it also happens that spouses, being on the verge of breaking relations, learn that they will become parents, make a decision to resume and establish relations. Many it succeeds.

Early marriages. They are not considered durable because young people have to solve many material, household and other problems. However, those who lived alone for a long time, it is more difficult to change the usual way of life, and also adapt to someone else. In the early marriages, mutual "trigger" is less painfully due to the psychological flexibility inherent in young people.

Stable and measured relationship cause crisis. It is believed that married couples disintegrate due to the wrong problems. However, some families disintegrate due to ordinaryness, boredom, while the problems of a financial, professional nature have already been resolved. Difficulties in many cases only bring together a couple.

• never insult each other;
• never generalize if you blame for something spouse or spouse: "You are always ...". In such cases, it is recommended to talk about yourself as you feel bad and offensive;
• in no case do not criticize each other in front of the strangers;
• always say to others what you want to hear in your address;
• put yourself in the place of her husband or wife;
• at different points of view, any questions, to avoid conflict situations, it is better to avoid these issues related to these issues.

How to cope with the resulting crisis?
Very often, what caused the crisis in one family, on the contrary, is splitting another. The most important thing is that it can be recommended in all family conflicts and disagreements - the ability to forgive and apologize, because it is very dangerous to "blow" on a partner for several days, it may be bored. If you do not want to put up or simply are not ready for this, you need to say about it straight. All family crises are crisis of communication. Difficulties in communication of par with each other are the problem in family relationships number one. Let's learn to communicate normally, and not on elevated colors or, even worse, be silent. Try to search for compromises, respect and listen to each other's opinion. In addition, show active participation and interest in life and hobbies of her husband or wife. The most important thing is not to be afraid of the crisis, since many married couples, without noticing, will be afraid, overcoming the difficulties arising.

From how successfully spouses will be able to resolve the crisis, the further development of the family depends. The crisis in relations reveals not only negative, but also a valuable thing that unites and connects a man and a woman.

In addition, a family psychologist will help to cope with the crisis. Most of us believe that you can do without it, talking sincerely with a girlfriend or parents. However, they can only express support for you, and not find a way to solve the root of the problem.

Do not want to contact.
I am 24 years old, I am married.
My mom is 43 years old, dad (or rather stepfather) - 38 years. Together they are already 21 years old. 8.5 years ago, they had a joint child - my sister.
It happened that my mother in nature is very smart, she never sits on the spot, she is a successful entrepreneur. When they met with her father - he only finished his studies, and she had already tried to somehow climb. And so it happened that in principle she taught him a lot, many where it was her arranged, etc.
He is more calm.
Many years ago, they both went to work as most people. But then began to develop their business. Or more precisely began to carry cars from abroad. Initially, in this business, Mom has spent more - well, there is no dad to such a grip, and there may be no desire.
He was engaged in the repair of cars. In principle, everything was somehow not bad. They are accustomed to living like that.
But about a year and a half of the last relationship get worse and worse.
Mom continues to go abroad for cars, Dad rides rarely with her. He basically sits in the garage. My sister will now go to the third class. Mom has 5 days a week. Sometimes less. Those. When she is not, his father is engaged in his sister. Although when she is not abroad, she doesn't sit at home too. So she has a lifestyle.
Previously, it all arranged it, and now health is no longer anything, and the offense began that it was she who makes money in the family. At the moment, communication between them is practically no. Everyone lives himself.
Her vision of the problem: the money earns she, he does nothing. The house is building for her money. He did not put anything there. (But it works at the house). If it gives to a house 200 dollars, he gives 200 thousand. When she is at home, she has time and solve questions and be with a child and by the housework. And when she leaves, then the work stands, and the home of the mess.
His vision of the problem: he earns in the garage. Buys for this money materials in the house. Even leads the spending book. When she leaves for 2-3 days, he is engaged in his sister - she takes to school, after school in a musical, and of course to eat and so on. Accordingly, a little remains to work. His work is physical, so he only has time to climb under the car, decompose the tool, as needed to go after the child. And his work mental if you can say so. She arrived - nassed tasks and went.
My vision of everything that is happening. Each of them is wrong in its own way. I understand my mother as a woman. She wants her care, which is not. She wants that he, as a man brought money home, he could buy something or presented to her. So that they could go somewhere to his account, and not for her. And the problem is that he does not want to communicate. But he was always so, his character is impulsive and psychorant. Yes, and he never showed such a desire to do something. He can be said so passive. But she just seems to me to reach the limit.
And he is grupped by the fact that he is always to blame with her words. In everything absolutely. In each situation, she will get out and wrap everything against him. Like this.
Each of them sees only its truth. If not sister, then the divorce would be option. But I do not want everything to affect her. And besides, I still think that they have feelings. Just somehow you need to start from scratch, forgetting everything that was. But how to help them do it ???

january 3, 2012

Solid experience - 20 years in marriage. Unfortunately, not every marriage lives to this date.

After 20 years of family life, the spouses celebrate porcelain wedding. It is very symbolic, because porcelain is a beautiful, but rather fragile material and requires careful circulation. And to live twenty years in marriage - this is a great merit of both spouses. But it must be remembered that in this period of collaboration of fragile, as porcelain, and requires a careful relationship.

What happens in the life of the spouses who lived in a legitimate marriage of 20 years?

If in the first years of family life everything was not in favor of the young husband, because the wife had many levers of influence on him, then in twenty years the situation changes dramatically.

The spouse is now scammer, it became a male beautiful. His even gray paints. The wife did not grind out, and her beauty was dulpped. Hearted hair has to paint. Nervous life, stress, childbirth, it did not have the best way in the figure of a woman. Hydgodina, smoking, alcohol impose an indelible traces on the face of the woman. It becomes that with the age of his husband's spouse, and she fell.

And fewer admiring male eyes are directed towards the former young beauty.

The revenues of the spouse (as a rule) have now increased significantly, he climbed the career ladder. This circumstance increases its value not only in the eyes of his wife, but also its rivals.

In case of a divorce, it is now a profitable groom. He can afford to go beautifully to leave, leaving all the former wife. It has funds for the purchase of one's own housing. Now it's not that a timid boy that was in the early years of marriage. He learned to be beautifully care for a woman, podnator and in the art of seduction. He has money to lead the lady on an expensive restaurant, give flowers and gifts. He is attentive and gallant cavalier, using women's attention.

As we see, the social status of the spouse has become higher. The possibilities of replacing the spouse has also increased.

In addition, at this age, he has decreased competition in the marriage market. The number of competitive women, on the contrary, has increased. After a divorce, it can marry. It turns out that after 20 years of family life, all the pressure levers in the hands of the spouse.

If there were children in marriage, they already became adults. The wife cannot manipulate them to put the "rushing" spouse. Now, after a divorce, a former husband himself can establish relationships with his children without asking for this consent from his half.

And the wife had doused the power over her husband, and she tries to command the children. And adult children oppose this power and move onto the Father's side, which "does not prescribe" on them.

Public opinion also on the side of the spouse and condemns his wife that she missed such a good man.

Therefore, all young wives should be aware that the resentment caused by the spouse in the first decade of marriage is not only not forgotten, but are destructive for marriage.

To take place your porcelain, it is necessary from the first year of living together to build marriage relationships on love, mutual understanding and compassibility to each other.

Let me remind you that women are 2 times more likely to divorce than men, and 3 times less often create a re-family than men.

At the age of 40-50 years, the number of free women exceeds the number of potential groom-peers.

Women must remember this and not be a conflict generator in the family, then you will have the opportunity to note the porcelain, and silver, and gold Wedding. What I wish you.

I left the music, the guests dreamed and the wedding dress found its place in the closet. Now the family life begins. Creating a family, a man and a woman are married to their ideas about living together, which mostly have developed in childhood, in the parent family. Each spouse has their own habits, their own experience, foundations, customs, family traditions. Each of the spouses will strive to make their part in his new family. There should be time before the new husband and wife will learn to compromise, understand and take each other, with advantages and disadvantages.

If we speak a metaphor, family life resembles sea waves - crises occur at the peak, and on the decline - the periods of the clutch and adaptation to new changes. Crisis in spouse relations are found throughout the life path. And you should not be afraid of them, as they needed spouses so that the relationships are "alive" and develop, helping to build the future, and go through each other. So what is the crisis?

The crisis is an inevitable event in the exit to the fundamentally new level of development.

Are there exits from the crisis?

Yes, of course. One of which: the transition to a new stage of development and the second is the break of relationships. There are also painful outputs - in fact, not exits, but care from solving real problems or delaying the decision-making: this is a treason, dependence, severe illness, etc.

The symptoms of the crisis in which you need to beat the alarm:

• One of the partners or both deviate from intimate intimacy. Sexologists believe that breakdown in sexual life is one of the first signs of availability if not a crisis, then problems in relationships.
• The so-called calm before the storm: when the spouses cease to swear at all, but at the same time communicate, and spend time together - everyone in itself. It is dangerous that the spouses will simply lose interest to each other, and they will be better and more interesting to spend time with other people.
• Spouses no longer seek to like each other.
• All questions related to the upbringing of children provoke quarrels and mutual reproaches.
• Spouses do not have the same opinion on most of the most important issues (relationships with relatives and friends, plans for the future, the distribution of family income and so on).
• One of the spouses "goes to ourselves", usually it happens. It ceases to participate in the solution of household problems and in general in the life of the family. Often he plunges into work, constantly delayed, behaves removed.
• A logical consequence of the previous one will be that the wife fully forgets about himself and with his head goes into the decision of family affairs, fully devotes himself to the family and becomes like a fragile horse. She works, drags the whole life on himself, cares about her husband and children.
• Husband and wife do not understand well (or do not understand at all) feelings of each other.
• Almost all acts and words of the partner cause irritation.
• One spouse believes that it is forced to give up the desires and opinions of the other all the time.
• There is no need to share with their problems and joys with a partner.

The first crisis is what?

The first, which psychologists dubbed the crisis of the first year, is associated with the period of mutual "wiking" of newlyweds. Transition from a candidate-bought period to life together. According to statistics, about half of all prisoners decays after the first year of living together. Low-handed spouses do not stand the tests of "life." Disagreements can concern the distribution of duties, the reluctance of partners to change their habits. Inability or unwillingness to establish contact with the parents of a partner.

The crisis at the birth of the first child will lead the appearance of new roles: now not only husband and wife, and also dad, mom. This difficult period is also known as the crisis of 3 years in relations, since after three years a child often appears in the family.

A period of 7 years is a "new" round of monotony and routine associated with such a phenomenon as addictive. If the routine of the crisis of 3 years of relations was dissipated by cohesion of spouses to new long-term strategic tasks, then by the 7th year all these issues are no longer attracted to the novelty and instead of excitement cause longing and disgust. Often, spouses are disappointed, comparing reality with what it seemed several years ago in dreams. Spouses begin to seem that now all his life will be the same, I want something new, unusual, fresh sensations. Children have already grown. The family by a 7-year term is already a large farm and a complex organism: the more people in the family, the more different weaves, conflicting needs, collisions of interest. The crisis always worsens the situation. Therefore, the better the relationship is raised, the stronger it was possible to stop emotional intimacy and learn to negotiate during periods of past disagreements, the easier it is to overcome the crisis, and vice versa.

15-20 years of spouses pass, having survived the previous difficulties, live, enjoying the family life of swimming through the flow and here again new everyday reef. Which can often be aggravated by the middle-aged crisis of one of the spouses. A frighteless feeling appears that everything has already been achieved, everything happened, and in personality, and in the professional sphere, there is a fear of aging ... The next crisis can be called "the crisis of the empty nest", this is an important period in the family life: when adult children leave it. Spouses are deprived of their main "leading" activity - raising children. They must again learn to live together, pay attention to each other. And women engaged exclusively by children and the house need to gain new vital tasks and goals. It is not uncommon during this period and leaving husbands to young mistresses.

How to overcome a crisis of living together?

If there are close relationship between the spouses, if they love each other, that is, respect, appreciate, listen to the opinion of the other, then any conflict is just a part of their joint desire for mutual understanding. Do not panic because of the crisis. Many families will be afraid of them without thinking and unaware that it is. They just overcome the difficulties arising. The successful resolution of the crisis is the key to the further development of the family and the necessary factor in the effective residence of subsequent stages.

Each crisis is a jerk forward, going beyond the old relationship. The crisis in the relationship helps spouses to see not only negative, but also valuable, which connects, binds them. Meanwhile, as parting is rather the consequence of the wrong crisis.

In order to overcome this critical moment in family life, you will need the readiness of both spouses, mutual desire and as usual patience and support.

If one of the spouses considers the divorce as an output, and the second does not agree with this, it is necessary to take a "time-out". Perhaps spouses, it is worth a time to restore, relax and think (3-4 days, week) to sort out yourself, their feelings, desires and aspirations. Think, is it all bad, really everything is good, what was between you, you can turn it easy? Try to refresh the feelings, emotions, make a variety of relations, proportion and events. Remember the romance, change the hairstyle, style or interior in the apartment, find a new hobby for both of both and do not forget about joint leisure and rest. You always have time to dilute, but attempts to reunite a family still worth it.

Another way to cope with the crisis is to contact a family psychologist. Many believe that sincere conversation in the kitchen with girlfriends will help to find a solution, but do not forget that girlfriends will give emotional support, but not a way to solve the problem, since their advice proceeds through the prism of their own life experience through the prism.

Golden rules that will help you easier to experience crisis in family relationships:

• Learn to talk about the difficulties and problems. It is very important to start a conversation in time, not to turn away from the troubles that have arisen, do not accumulate them, do not hide.
• Do not generalize, even if you speak in anger, do not cross the face that you will regret later.
• Speak about your feelings, experiences, do not place claims (instead of "you always ...", "you're guilty ...", tell me "I feel ...", "frustrating me when you ...").
• If at least one frightener or in a strong emotional excitement, the situation may exit from under control, in such cases should not exacerbate the situation, wait or necessary to contact the specialists (family psychologists).

Do not be afraid of the crisis, because it is an indicator of the normal development of relations. And all this information will be useful for those who have already entered the marriage bonds or only plans. Think about it and take care of your loved ones!