Magic words to improve your financial situation. Family finance and psychology
Every family has periods when money is sorely lacking. To solve this problem, someone tries to cut costs to a minimum, someone swears and finds out who is to blame, and someone is trying to correct the situation on their own. Perhaps my experience will be useful to those whose financial situation temporarily leaves much to be desired.
Financial crisis
Before the birth of my child, I worked at a good job, my husband had his own established business. In fact, there was enough money. Well, maybe not to the Maldives 5 times a year, but for a few years, they didn’t deny themselves anything for an apartment. And then I went on maternity leave and our daughter was born. And a couple of months later, the great and terrible global crisis of 2008 struck. To say that it was hard for me is to say nothing. After giving birth, I have a baby in my arms, a hormonal storm of a nursing mother is in my head. And my husband's business is collapsing, which he, brick by brick, has been creating for the last 12 years.
At first it seemed to me that it was some kind of bad dream, and now a little more, and I will wake up. But time passed, nothing changed. We were sorely lacking money - everything that we had earned over the years was invested in an apartment. At first, as a faithful wife, I tried to be a support for my beloved. Supported, sad with him. Even, I confess, we cried a couple of times for a couple of times of despair. But as time went on, my daughter grew up. I wanted my baby to be dressed no worse than others, I wanted to study with her in the children's development center, and for myself, to be honest, I wanted new things and this, almost forgotten, feeling of confidence in the future.
Looking for a way out
Despair was the next step. I understood that what is happening is for a long time, and in order to survive, you need to radically change something in your life. The husband, with manic stubbornness, continued to go to work and try to earn at least some pennies in the old way. This earnings were so low that, even playing a small game of online backgammon, he used to receive an order of magnitude more money than in the office. He, of course, was also upset and worried. I still recall with horror how for two weeks he practically did not sleep, trying to come up with ways to adjust his business to the changed realities. But nothing worked. I cried all day and painted pictures of future poverty. I felt sorry for my daughter to tears - so long-awaited and desired, for whom I dreamed of providing a decent future.
After crying out all the tears I had, I felt angry. I stayed at home and did my best for my child to grow and develop normally. Isn't this a job? I fed, played, took to early development centers, to baby swimming and massage. For the first year of my life, in the literal sense of the word, I did not raise my head, managing to create coziness in the apartment and come up with delicious dinners from an incomprehensible set of products. And the husband did not particularly strain. After serving the allotted eight hours in the office, he came home, played with his daughter, ate and sat down to computer games. And the fury awoke in me. Now, 5 years later, I am ashamed to remember how I behaved - I rolled up ugly scandals with squeals and smashing dishes, I insulted my husband with the last words, calling him a parasite and a loser, I reproached him with every piece of bread, reminding him that he wasn’t at him earned. The only thing I can say in my defense now is that I am extremely ashamed, and I will carry the burden of this guilt in my soul for a long time to come. The relationship with her husband began to deteriorate rapidly. He stayed late at work, trying to return home when my daughter and I were already asleep, stopped chatting with me on all sorts of intimate topics, and all those lovely little things that make the union of two adults a family began to disappear from our lives.
Begin with yourself
And then I got scared. I was afraid that I would lose his trust, friendship and love. No, I knew that he would not leave me - he loved his daughter too much, but he did not want to live in an apartment with a completely stranger either. There was no exit. I decided to make money myself. At least some penny to improve the financial situation. Alas, the first experience was unsuccessful. Not calculating my strength, and having no practical experience in trading, having bought a lot of goods for a large amount borrowed from my parents, I barely later shoved it off at cost. We are enormously grateful to our relatives - they supported us very well then. At least I could not think about food for the child - the grandmothers did everything possible for the baby to eat normally. And later, when I with difficulty, bit by bit, gave away the borrowed money, no one reproached me with a word or a look, did not laugh at the stupid one.
My husband met my financial ruin stoically. He did not reproach, did not scold, for which I will always be very grateful to him. But he did not strive to earn money either. It somehow happened that most of our friends had a similar situation. And he, seeing that most families live the same way, took it for granted. I did not try to change something, but only felt sad and indulged in despair. I did not give up, looking for new ways to make money. Without risking getting involved in trade that requires large material investments, I turned my attention to the Internet. I found an opportunity to make money without investment. Starting my career, I counted on a small, symbolic earnings - but even with these pitiful crumbs I was glad, and I was ready to work for them all my free time.
And gradually things got going. I tore my veins, working at night, added penny to penny, did not sleep and did not eat, but after a couple of months I tripled, and after six, tenfold the original amount of earnings. I no longer quarreled with my husband - I simply did not have the strength to do it. Daughter, home, work and a blissful short dream that you start dreaming about just when you wake up. In my rare free moments, I only wondered how much I would be enough in this mode, and what we would all do when I finally fell down.
Looking at how I work, my husband even calmed down somehow. And then, secretly, without informing me, he began to look for a new job. He picked up old connections, went to bow to distant acquaintances, searched, asked, tried himself, now in one, then in another. For some time he even worked as a loader, because he simply could not find anything else. But in the box where we kept money for the household, besides mine, his contribution began to appear. Over time, quantity grew into quality. He was offered a good position with a career opportunity. And only then he admitted that all this time, it turns out, he did not sit with folded hands, but was looking for something suitable. Of course, the new job was not as good as his own firm in its heyday, and the earnings were much more modest. But stability and even a little confidence in the future made this option quite attractive. And literally a couple of weeks after the start of his new career, I found out that I was pregnant.
More than two years have passed since then. Our youngest daughter is already running and trying to talk. My husband works successfully, so do I. My work, which began as a way to get rid of want, pulled me in, and I can no longer imagine myself without daily sitting in front of the monitor. Do we have enough money? Having two little princesses, they will never be enough, but we look to tomorrow with confidence, and allow ourselves small modest joys - rare dinners in cozy restaurants, relaxation on the seashore, a hobby that requires a lot of time and money, but also brings just overwhelming positive. And, most importantly, I believe that now that we have gone through one of the most unpleasant chapters of our life together, we will be fine. The main thing is not to blame the other for the misfortune that has fallen, but simply to start doing what you think is necessary. And then an understanding loving partner will surely share a heavy burden with you and try to grow up to your level.
Say what you like, but paradise with a loved one in a hut will quickly lose its charm if it is not nourished by something material. To ensure a life for themselves, spouses work, and the result of their work will affect not only themselves, but also relations in the family. It has long been proven that only a financially secure woman who does not need to think about what to buy tights for and a man who knows that he is able to provide his family with finances can be happy.
How to distribute financial issues in the family? Which spouse should manage the funds? Is it true that stereotypes, firmly established in society, can influence family relationships? How to build the correct model of spouses' behavior in financial matters?
How does it happen most often? Traditional situations
In an average family, small financial problems such as buying groceries, paying rent, solving problems at school and hospital are decided by the wife. At the same time, it is believed that her husband brings her a salary, and they discuss large purchases together. Many consider this to be the ideal model of a family, where the man is the breadwinner, and the woman, respectively, is the keeper of the hearth.
Recently, another model of financial relations between spouses has flourished in an ordinary family. The man earns, gives the woman some part of the money for small needs, food, and decides larger issues himself. At the same time, a woman, especially if she is a housewife, has to beg for money for new clothes, and not only for herself, but also for the children. And a man, like a king, decides whether it is worth his wallet or not.
It also happens the other way around, when a woman works, and a man runs the household at home, takes care of children, and solves minor problems. Today, for some reason, many men do not consider it shameful to live like this, but let's leave this fact on their conscience. As a rule, in such a family, a woman is in charge of financial affairs, but, like any other representative of the opposite sex, she wants stability and security from a man, and sometimes she gives her husband the keys to the family piggy bank.
The best option has always been considered the one in which there is enough money in the family, and the spouses trust each other, and both have the right to dispose of the money they earned.
What are the problems? How to deal with it?
Very often the biggest problem is the lack of funds. Resentments begin: the wife believes that the husband does not want to earn more, the husband - that the wife cannot spend less. Both of them do not understand that it is impossible to spend less than the minimum, as well as earn more than you can.
Remember not to:
1. Blame your soul mate for financial problems. If the financial situation does not suit you, look for a way to earn money yourself. In addition to making money easier, your spouse will be proud of you.
2. To live beyond our means, namely to spend more than it should be. You may not be able to look fashionable this summer. It's okay, bear with it, next summer will turn out to be more supportive. But you will keep your love.
3. Do not drag yourself into a debt routine: loans, debts, etc. are evil for a person. Better to save money to buy a thing in half a year.
“I like the idea that money is as available as the air I breathe. I like the idea that I breathe in and out money. It's fun to imagine a lot of money flowing to me. I see how my attitude to money affects the money that comes to me. I am happy to know that after some practice I can control my attitude to money or whatever. I noticed that the more I say these words out loud, this magical story of abundance, the better I feel ...
I like to know that I myself create my own reality and that the money that flows into my life is directly related to my thoughts. I like to know that I can change the amount of money I receive by changing my thoughts.
Now that I understand that I receive the essence of what I think about, and most importantly, now that I understand that through feelings I can determine whether I am focused on money or lack of it, I feel confident that with in time I will reconcile my thoughts with abundance, and money will flow abundantly into my life.
I understand that the people around me view money, wealth, spending, saving, giving and receiving money, making money from very different points of view, and that I do not need to understand their opinions and experiences. I was relieved to learn that I did not need to understand all this. It's great to know that my only task is to reconcile my thoughts about money with my own desires for money, and that when I feel good it means that I have found coherence. I like to know that it is perfectly normal for me to have negative emotions about money from time to time. But I intend to quickly direct my thoughts in a more pleasant direction, because it makes sense for me that thoughts that feel pleasant will bring positive results. The first evidence of my alignment with money will be more pleasant sensations, improved mood and outlook on life, and then, soon, real changes in my financial situation will follow. I'm sure of that.
I am aware of the direct connection between how I think and feel about money, and what actually happens in my life. "
Folk omens regarding money
Do you work hard, but money is never enough? Are you trying to save money but failing? Perhaps the point is in non-observance of popular signs. In this article, we will tell you what you need to do to have money in the house.
By following the signs, you will not only save yourself from trouble, but also attract luck and money. Many people know the sign about birds, as well as about the fact that the right palm itches to money. And the fact that when you lend, you need to keep a rusty nail in your pocket?
Some signs seem strange, but many believe in them.
How to lend or borrow?
You cannot lend on Monday - you will lose all the money. You cannot transfer money from hand to hand, you need to put it, for example, on the table, and only then take it. Otherwise, along with the money, the person's bad energy will pass to you. If you lend in the evening, put the money on the floor and the other person has to pick it up. It is generally believed that it is better not to lend in the evening.
It is necessary to give money only in the morning and only in small bills. When you get repaid, keep your left hand fig in your pocket.
To keep money in the house
The money in the wallet should be unfolded, bills of different denominations in order. The paper money must be kept facing you. Also, in your wallet you need to store a piece of wood from the swallow's nest so that the money does not disappear. I attract the money put in the wallet aspen leaf, mint leaves and a pinch of cinnamon. If you make a big profit, take one bill from there, put it in your wallet, do not spend or change. When you give a wallet to someone, you can put a bill in it so that it is never empty.
In the house, money must be stored under a tablecloth, at night - under an oilcloth. To lure money into the house, you need to put a large bill three days before the full moon under the oilcloth.
To have money in the house, you need to put a coin in every corner of the room, saying "Let him come to my house." The broom should be stored with the handle down, the mirror should be hung in the kitchen or next to the table. Money at home should be kept in red envelopes or pouches on the east or southeast side of the house. It is worth buying a money tree, looking after it and placing a pot with it in the southeast.
Other signs
Always count your change, money loves the bill;
You cannot spend all the money from the wallet on some thing, make sure that money always remains in the wallet;
Eat more blueberries, they promote health and wealth;
Nails should be cut on Tuesday or Friday;
On Maundy Thursday it is necessary to recount the money;
It is necessary to wash with water in which coins were laid for the New Year, Easter and Maundy Thursday;
Put money under your newborn's pillow.
The signs are rather strange, but there are also more memorable ones:
Throw the palm of the earth over your head;
Put a live bumblebee in a chest, wallet or pocket;
Catch a water meter with your left hand and carry it with you;
Put a coin in the swallow's nest for nine days;
Throw a large stone at a party, saying: "Let the owner's money be as heavy as this stone";
On St. George's Day, cut off the head of a bat with a silver ring on a non-white canvas, wrap it in this cloth and bury it in front of the doorstep of the house or in a chest with money.
Signs may seem stupid, but there are beliefs in which everyday wisdom can be traced:
Do not discuss the income of other people, then there will be no people of your own;
There is no need to hate the poor and the rich, then you yourself will never live in abundance;
It is necessary to give alms to the beggars, it is believed that on Sunday all the change from the wallet must be spent or given to the beggars, otherwise only small money will be found, but you cannot give change from bread or salt.
There are also signs associated with animals:
If the cat is stretching, then it is to the advantage;
In Japan, if a cat runs its left paw over the ear, there will be many visitors in the shop;
In China, if someone else's cat appears at home, it is poverty;
If you see an angry cat in a dream - this is theft;
A cat or a dog must live at home, otherwise there will be no prosperity;
A black dog, cat or rooster will protect the house from thieves.
There are also New Year's signs. To live in abundance for the next year, you need:
New Year should be celebrated in new socks, underwear and with a new hairstyle;
At the table, try 7 different dishes, and put 7 coins under the chair;
You need to repay debts before the New Year, even at the festive table;
During the first strike of the chimes, make a wish, squeezing a coin in your left hand;
Throw a coin into a glass of champagne, drink it, make a hole in the coin and wear it as a pendant;
There are also superstitions that carry losses:
Put empty bottles on the table, sit down on the table, put money on the table, sweep the garbage out of the house at sunset, stand on the doorstep, whistle at home, exchange money for smaller ones.
Psychotherapist of the highest category,
family psychologist, gestalt therapist
Almost every time a couple applies for therapy, one way or another a monetary issue comes up regarding a dispute over the family budget, sometimes reaching a divorce. Moreover, most often this iceberg is hidden by the surface part in the form of a completely different request: "My husband does not love me, does not appreciate", "My wife does not understand how difficult it is for me", "My husband stopped helping me" etc.
It is not customary to discuss the issue of money easily and openly. The introduced institution of the marriage contract regulates material relations in the family, but after the dissolution of the marriage. And the percentage of families imprisoning him is not that great either.
Lovers, on the other hand, consider direct discussions about the financial structure of the future family as a manifestation of commercialism, and most often guess about this from the behavior of their partner. Judging by the treatment of couples, ideas about the financial side differ greatly before and after marriage.
Common causes of money disputes in families
1. Spending not agreed with the spouse.The chaotic management of the family budget, the haphazard accounting of receipts and expenditures in themselves create the prerequisites for questions: Where did the money go? How to survive until the end of the month? Again, not enough for ..?
Example:
The family has a shared budget and saves up for an initial mortgage. At some point, the husband decides that right now he needs to buy a car for work, especially since the neighbor offers a cheaper one. The deal took place in one day. Almost the entire accumulated amount has been spent. A pregnant wife, returning from work, not only does not share the joy of her husband from the acquisition, which is superfluous in her opinion, but also decides to pack up her things and go to her parents by filing for divorce.
2. Different attitudes towards money.
Each of the spouses was brought up in a family with their own rules and they may have a different attitude to money. A conflict arises if this difference in a pair is not taken into account.
Example:
Oleg: “You work all the time, children and I miss you. I stopped feeling like a man, because you decide everything, you earn more than me. "
Inga: “I have a good career, yes, I earn good money, and this enables our family to live fully. You are a caring husband and father, I don't care that you bring less money than me, but I am calm about our life and the well-being of our daughters. And I love you for that. My mother always brought more than my father. It's okay for me. "
Oleg: “In our family it was customary for mothers to be with their children, spend more time at home, and meet my husband. And men earned money and solved family problems. I feel like a rag. We do not need so many expensive things and rest, we could live more modestly, but be together more often. "
Here, two beliefs clashed: “a man should earn money in a family” with another family driver, where this value is absent, but, on the contrary, a woman earns more, and it suits her.
3. Monopoly on family budget management.
As the saying goes, whoever pays calls the tune. The only earner often disposes of the catch himself. It so happens that the second non-working partner takes over the distribution of funds. Conflicts arise when decisions are made by a partner alone, without taking into account the opinion of the second, especially if the second earned this money. It would be logical if the controlling stake in the distribution of funds would belong to the main earner in the family.
Example:
Olga: “You stopped giving me good gifts, you are saving on my vacation! Before the wedding, he courted, and now he has stopped. You do not love me anymore?"
Ivan: “Dear, now we are a family, and we have a lot of spending: an apartment is on a mortgage, a car costs money, we build a house, we have a rest twice a year, my education, your leisure time. I earn money alone, I have to take everything into account in order to have enough money. I was more generous to you, I wanted to please you, but now we have other tasks. I love you as much and I am ready for a lot! "
Olga: “I thought that you would not save on your wife! I don't work, you know my position, dad provided for the whole family and mom never worked, everyone was happy. You should try to earn more, if we do not have enough, you are a man! "
Ivan: “Honey, I try my best. It's hard for me to pull so many of our projects on my own. My mother worked on a par with my father, supported him and they lived together. Maybe you can do something? You have education. "
Here, in addition to the monopoly on budget management, there are also different family drivers: "a man provides for the family" and "both work equally."
The wife is in a childish position, she demands and is capricious, takes offense if they do not yield to her. The husband, being gentle, endures, gives in. There would be no problem if for the husband the position of her father was convenient (giving, taking care of like a child, indulging whims). But a conflict is formed inside the husband: to build up momentum in work and provide for all the whims of his wife, or to defend his interests and involve his wife in the formation of a joint budget, which is more familiar to him.
There was no talk of an agreement in this pair. After some time, Olga managed, thanks to therapy, to look more realistically at the possibilities of the family budget and to demand less, and Ivan was more firm in his decisions.
4. The only breadwinner in the family.
In itself, such a situation is not easy for all family members, since everyone depends on the efficiency, condition and mood of the main earner. Responsibility is also high on the earner.
Sometimes this is the only possible situation, for example, when the wife is on maternity leave, or the second partner is sick. It would be nice if this did not last long, and the second partner could also do his bit. Conflicts arise from high tension in relationships, everyone's dependence on one family member, from not taking into account the opinions, interests, needs of the non-working partner.
5. Claims about low earnings, insufficient investments in the general budget.
Example:
Maria: “I don’t like that you, earning a lot, allocate only 20 thousand to the general budget. I have to skimp on good products to keep my budget. "
Semyon: “We agreed that I would contribute this amount. You make good money yourself, you can spend your money if you want to live better. Everything suits me. "
Maria: “Yes, but you live in my apartment, and you rent yours. And since then I began to earn much more than when we first started living together. Let's make the total budget bigger, because there is an opportunity!
Semyon: "Then I will have to save on my rest and hobbies."
In this pair, they managed to agree on an increase in the total budget. The partners turned out to be open to each other's needs, treated their feelings with respect, were able to agree without reproaching or condemning.
Types of family budget
- Shared (fully shared)
- Separated
- Mixed (partially shared)
How to resolve a family conflict over a budget?
The algorithm is simple. In any conflict situation, there is a reasonable chain of actions that suggests:
1. Acknowledgment of the fact of the problem by both spouses.The more succinctly, more precisely and more concretely the problem is named, the easier it will be to find its solution.
2. Discussion of the problem.
In short, there are a lot of things to deal with: feelings and beliefs of a partner, willingness to compromise or stubbornness, lack of desire to establish financial relations and take responsibility.
3. Search for solutions to the problem.
A constructive part of the work of two partners with a mutual desire to establish relations in a pair.
Feelings and logic. How to talk about money?
A little more detail about working in pairs, expanding the above algorithm.
It is important for every partner in marriage to understand their relationship to money. In the beginning, this is the history of financial relationships in the parental family. What family rules and beliefs did you grow up with? What words did you hear from parents more often: "We will buy, whatever you want", "we cannot afford it", "money is evil", "never borrow", "money is not a problem" etc.
How do you feel about money and spending? Is money a resource and energy or something that drains you? Are you spending with pleasure or with difficulty? What do you easily give money for? What will you never pay for? How do you manage to accumulate? Are you saving, and are there any real reasons for that? What are the first things you start to save on? Do you plan to spend for the next period? Or does the money end suddenly?
How do you and your partner feel about these questions and the answers? Speaking about your preferences and feelings, it is better if you do it respectfully to your spouse, from I-messages (I am anxious; I get upset when you ...; I take offense), without judging the partner and with a desire to hear him in response.
Then it is important for the two of you to discuss your beliefs in order to understand where you agree and where you don’t, how fundamental the disagreements are.
Choose a suitable type of family budget for your family.
Discuss with your partner your joint financial priorities for the long term: real estate, education, health, recreation, as well as immediate tasks, for example, buying a car, furniture or repairs.
Negotiation comes with experience, so making it a rule to have periodic financial meetings will only add clarity and trust to your relationship.
I wish you good relations, including financial ones!
The financial issue in the family
Each couple is faced with the problem of solving the financial issue in their family. According to the types and forms, many articles have been written. Partners can have either a joint or a split budget. And what else can we talk about? About the energetic and spiritual component of money. Why are not all partners happy with the way their family budget is being distributed? Why do some people prefer to have a joint "piggy bank", while others - a separate one?
Money doesn't smell
Money is a symbol of power and freedom. The more money you have, the more powerful, free you feel. The partner who makes more money feels more influential than his significant other. Therefore, it happens that the one who earns less seeks to limit the freedom of his partner by having the right to dispose of his money at his own discretion. The one who earns more does not seek restrictions in the form of a joint discussion of spending money, which causes a conflict.
Wife does not give money
Husband does not give money
Money is a symbol of caring, especially for men. If a man cannot spend his money on a woman, then he is not interested in her and does not want to take care of her as of his beloved. Money contains all the care and protection that a man can give to his woman. And if he is a curmudgeon and cannot spend money on the partner with whom he is currently in a relationship, it means that he does not have deep feelings for her and does not consider her as his beloved woman.
In this case, a woman can act very subtly and wisely, shouting and scandals will not help here. It is necessary to learn how to ask a man for money for his own needs, but at the same time to do so that it does not look like a request, but is presented as his own desire.
You can read about how partners can distribute their money in any article. But what lies behind these or those motives of people who want to have a joint or separate budget, you can not read everywhere. But now you know that money also carries its energy, which prompts a person to behave this way and to desire what he actually experiences inside himself in relation to his partner.