Relations with her husband deteriorated after the birth of a child. What to do? Psychology of family relations. You should know how family life changes after the birth of a child

11.08.2019

Alas, today you can often hear a story about how a woman's relationship with her husband deteriorated after the birth of a child. This is not to say that this has not happened in the past, but the current scope of this problem is really frightening. After all, most couples do not withstand a family crisis, which subsequently leads to constant quarrels and scandals.

Naturally, it is difficult to live in such conditions, moreover, such an atmosphere negatively affects the psyche of the child. So let's talk about why people change after having a baby. What factors affect the atmosphere in the house? And what to do if the relationship with your husband deteriorated after childbirth?

Having a baby is always stressful.

If you think that nine months of pregnancy is a serious test, then you are clearly mistaken. In psychology, there is such a thing as a “crisis of one year”. Its essence lies in the fact that the first year after the birth of a child is the most severe period. It is on him that the greatest number of scandals and domestic misunderstandings fall.

To begin with, it should be noted that this is a completely normal phenomenon. After all, the appearance of a child is a great stress for parents, especially if he is their first child. At the same time, both women and men experience psychological shock. The only problem is that they look at the same things differently. This serves as the basis for the emergence of various kinds of disagreements, and subsequently major quarrels.

And the more time passes, the more clearly the woman realizes the fact that her relationship with her husband has deteriorated. What to do in this case? First of all, you should stop panicking and try to solve the issue with shouts and reproaches. After all, such behavior will only exacerbate the current state of affairs. It would be more reasonable to understand what exactly caused the discomfort in the family, and only then begin to correct it.

invisible wall

The fact that relations with her husband deteriorated after the birth of a child can be understood by the atmosphere that prevails in the house. Sometimes it seems that an invisible wall is formed between the spouses. And the longer they are inactive, the thicker and rougher it becomes. Therefore, so that the problem does not develop into a crisis of one year, you should try to solve it immediately after returning from the hospital.

To do this, let's look at the main differences in female and male psychology. What life priorities are more important for each of the spouses? And why do they so often put forward unfounded claims to each other?

Features of the female worldview

The woman is the mother. These two words vividly illustrate the essence of the behavior of girls during pregnancy and after it. That is, a woman always puts others in the first place, regardless of her type of character and worldview. Naturally, there are exceptions, but in most cases this is exactly what happens.

Therefore, it is not surprising that women, after the birth of a child, go headlong into caring for their child. It is quite logical for them that everything should revolve around their crumbs, since he is the long-awaited fruit of love. This is the maternal instinct, thanks to which our species was able to overcome all the hardships and hardships of evolutionary struggle.

The problem is that sometimes girls go too deep into this process. After all, it is one thing when a reasonable share of attention is paid to a child, and quite another when the mother ceases to see the rest of the world behind him. Therefore, you need to be able to rein in your love in order to soberly assess the required amount of care.

Prankster Hormones

The first months after childbirth are the hardest. The reason for this is the instability of the hormonal background and postpartum indisposition of the body. This leads to the fact that the mood, like a carousel, then rises, then again falls into the abyss. Such differences affect the psyche of a woman, making her less resistant to conflicts.

Therefore, it is not surprising that on such days even a small quarrel can bring a girl to a nervous breakdown. Not to mention the fact that any trifle becomes the reason for it. Of course, in a few months her mood will return to normal, only during this time the family crisis can reach the point, followed by serious problems.

Egocentricity of men

To say that all men are selfish is wrong. But at the same time, they are not inclined to such dedication as women, because of this they constantly reflect on who is in charge in the house. Therefore, at best, they perceive the child as an equal, and at worst, they put themselves in first place. Consequently, they do not perceive well those situations when they are deprived of their usual care and love.

Simply put, they begin to feel jealousy towards their child. Naturally, she is not as evil as in the case of a male competitor, but still she is. This perception of the world leads to the fact that the spouse begins to unwittingly look for confirmation that he is deprived or somehow ignored. At the same time, any little things are taken into account: how many times they said a kind word to him, whether they fed him in the morning, whether they smiled in response, and so on.

It is clear that such thoughts will soon develop into resentment, and then break out. First, the husband will begin to make reproaches, then raise his voice, and everything will end with a grandiose scandal. And then the young dad will no longer want to control his emotions, and such skirmishes will be repeated more and more often.

At this point, he should be stopped by explaining the real state of affairs. Firstly, they didn’t stop loving him, it’s just that now these feelings have moved to a new level, more complex and demanding. Secondly, such behavior will not lead to anything good, since a harmonious one cannot be built on jealousy and scandals.

man and sex

Girls and boys have different priorities in life. So, for the first feelings and mutual understanding is the key to a happy marriage. But for men, sex is added to this list. After all, without him, they can not imagine their family life. The trouble is that during pregnancy they are protected from most bodily pleasures, which inevitably leads to sexual hunger.

The only thing that consoled them was the dreams of a normal life. Alas, in most cases their hopes are shattered. This can be explained by the fact that during breastfeeding, women are not particularly attuned to sex. Such a mechanism is laid down by nature, and nothing can be done about it.

However, men do not understand this. Consequently, they begin to blame their "hunger" on their wives, as if they are deliberately denying them intimacy. Again, such thoughts sooner or later result in reproaches that clearly do not improve the atmosphere in the house. Therefore, long breaks in sex should be avoided, even if the woman still does not feel the former fuse and passion.

Difficulty of the first year

Another important factor influencing is fatigue. In the first year, the child is naughty from morning to night, thereby adding fuel to the fire. And the worst thing is that nothing can be done about it, because at this age children still cannot control their behavior.

It remains only to realize: the problem is not that the child wakes up at night and wakes everyone around, but that it is you who have not yet adapted to this. You need to set yourself up for the fact that these are only temporary inconveniences that are needed for the highest good. This is the only way to strengthen your spirit and survive these difficult times.

Inaction is not an option

Regardless of why the relationship with your husband soured after the birth of a child, inaction will be the worst way to solve this problem. After all, the longer the invisible wall between you, the more difficult it is to destroy it. That is why psychologists recommend starting as early as possible.

It does not matter at all who is in charge in the house. Much more important is who will take the first step towards each other. But again, men are less accommodating in this matter, so the role of truce truce often falls to a woman. The reason for this behavior lies in the fact that representatives of the strong half of humanity are accustomed to seeing themselves as warriors made of flint. And it is undesirable for them to show sentimentality and become limp over trifles.

Of course, such an alignment does not entirely suit women, as they have to give up their pride. But in this case, we are talking about preserving the family, and therefore you will have to choose between the common good and your own ambitions. In addition, in the future, men also have to do a lot of work in order to achieve harmony in the family.

It all starts with a conversation

The first step is the most difficult, because at this moment the heart is overcome by doubts about how the other person will perceive it. But you need to understand that expectation torments the soul in the same way, and maybe even more. Therefore, you should not postpone the conversation with your husband on the back burner, but immediately go to the heart of the problem.

When talking with a loved one, you must rely on the following rules:

First, the dialogue should be two-way. That is, it is necessary to achieve such an atmosphere in which both parties will talk about their problems, experiences and anxieties.
Secondly, it is necessary to maintain warmth in words. Remember: this is a conversation between two people in love, and not negotiations between countries that have been at war with each other for centuries.
Third, don't hide anything. Even a small secret or reproach can lead to the situation repeating itself in the future.

The place for conversation is also important. It is best to create an atmosphere of romance, so that an aura of peace and love soars around. At the same time, alcohol is recommended to be excluded, since in this case it is more likely to harm the conversation than to lead to positive results. But delicious food, on the contrary, contributes to the development of dialogue, because it is not for nothing that all diplomatic missions are accompanied by magnificent banquets and feasts.

The first pitfall

The trouble is that not every young dad is ready to discuss his problems. Again, the warrior syndrome is to blame, which makes men be an impregnable rock. Such emotional stability, on the one hand, attracts, and on the other hand, suggests that your spouse is a real log.

In this case, it will be difficult to solve the problem by talking, as the husband can simply brush them off. But you can’t give up, you need to constantly push the man to this issue, hinting at its importance. You can use any tricks, from a smile to a tempting offer to discuss everything in bed.

It should be understood that conversation is the basis of everything. Only he will help to understand why relations with her husband have deteriorated. After the birth of a child, there are a lot of such factors, and therefore they cannot be determined in other ways.

There are three of us now

Many parents try to adjust to having children by living by the old rules. The truth is that this method constantly fails, since it is designed only for two. But now the family has become larger, which means it's time to make changes in the usual way of life. And above all, you should focus on the following principles:

Everyone deserves attention. The child is naughty almost always, but this does not mean that you need to devote all your free time to him. Learn to set aside a few hours to be alone, in a loving atmosphere. This will rally your family and keep it from bursting like a balloon.
No screaming in the house. Naturally, avoiding all scandals will not work, but you can minimize them. Just agree that for some time you will refrain from high tone and mutual reproaches. Remember: this behavior not only strengthens the marriage, but also has a positive effect on the psyche of your child.
Mirror effect. The essence of this principle is to regularly put yourself in the place of your partner. Think about how difficult his day was, what he lacks and how you would behave if you were in his place.
Complete parents. You should not raise a child alone, because a man is a father. The child wakes up at night - take turns to put him down, busy in the kitchen - let him take care of the bed, sore throat - let him sing a lullaby with his bass.
Seek help from others. Often young couples run to the point of exhaustion just because they don't have the courage to ask their relatives for help. Of course, there are grandparents who are afraid to leave children. But remember that you are also living people, and you need time for yourself.

paternal instinct

It so happened that in women, the maternal instinct turns on immediately after childbirth. However, things are different for men. In order to reach their subconscious, it takes time and a special approach, otherwise they may develop subconscious jealousy for their child.

So, how to awaken a man's primordial instincts? In fact, everything is quite simple: you need to leave him alone with his son or daughter as often as possible. But for some reason, most moms are afraid to take this step. They are sure that this will lead to irreparable consequences, as if this is not their man, but some kind of beast.

But the truth is that fathers do their job just as well as mothers. The only thing is that they need more time to train, since everything has to be learned from scratch. Here it is important to fully support the spouse and, if necessary, give small hints. And soon dad will not only forget about jealousy, but will also become a real helper for mom.

The stick and stick method

Remember courtship? When a man presents a girl with many flowers and gifts, and for this she idolizes him and gives her affection. So, the first year after the birth of a child should be perceived as a period of courtship in the sense that you need to return the former tenderness to the relationship. From a woman, care is required not only for the child, but also for her man. Naturally, in such a period, this is a difficult task, but no one said that it would be easy. Therefore, the wife must do everything possible to show her husband her love and that she has not changed after replenishing the family.

However, if the girl shows concern, and the guy does not reciprocate, then it's time to move on to the whip. That is, remove from family life all those joys that inspire a man. In this case, it is necessary to indicate the reason for such behavior, so that he knows why this happens. By the way, men do not understand hints well, so it is better to speak directly, explaining what exactly does not suit the girl. Thus, it will be possible to save time and avoid possible misunderstandings and joint insults.

If the relationship is at an impasse

Alas, it is not always possible to solve the problem of damaged relationships with the help of conversations and female tricks. Sometimes it happens that a married couple has come to the edge from which it is already difficult to go back. And then the only right decision is going to a psychologist. The only trouble is that in our country such methods are considered ineffective.

But believe that it is this decision that will help save your family. After all, a good specialist is able not only to listen, but also to give the necessary advice. Fulfilling them, the couple herself will not notice how life will begin to acquire bright colors again. Therefore, it is worth throwing aside all stereotypes and start solving problems the way they deserve it. After all, not only the fate of the family depends on this, but also what future the child will have.

The birth of a baby is certainly a joyful event. However, the appearance of a new member in the family brings with it great changes in the life of his parents, and this in most cases affects the quality of the relationship between them.

Stress, sleepless nights, lack of time for each other often lead to mutual hostility, misunderstanding, resentment and quarrels from scratch. What to do? How to learn to understand each other and the baby? How to return the marriage river to its former course?

How does the relationship between spouses change after the birth of a baby?

When the firstborn appears in the family, the relationship between his parents often changes dramatically for the worse. For family The first year of a baby's life is a serious test. requiring active study by both partners. Unfortunately, many couples who have become mom and dad do not stand this test and get divorced. And this is much more stress for an innocent baby and for his parents.

The life of a woman who has become a mother changes beyond recognition: there is no time either for self-care, or for some of her affairs and projects, or for hobbies; and just taking a walk and sitting with girlfriends in a cafe over a cup of coffee becomes at least problematic. Modern ladies, accustomed to active work and social life, are experiencing these changes especially hard. That is why the character of a young mother sometimes deteriorates greatly, she can make scandals and tantrums for no reason, reproach her husband for not paying attention to her and the child, and simply not do household chores as well as before.

A man, in turn, often does not understand why his chosen one, having given birth to a desired, healthy and beloved baby, has become so “bitchy” and looks so bad. Alas, many representatives of the stronger sex in all seriousness consider maternity leave to be a vacation. Therefore, reproaches are poured on the woman like: “You are sitting at home, you are not earning money, so why didn’t you have time to cook this unfortunate borscht (to iron shirts, wash the floor, go to the store)?”. It is clear that many men get tired at work and, when they come home, they want to see a hot dinner on the table, perfect order in the house, a child clean, fed and playing peacefully, and a wife well-groomed and happy. But, alas, without the active help of his wife, the vast majority of guys see the picture at home exactly the opposite. And the first thing they do is make a scandal ...

How to return those wonderful relationships that were before the appearance of a third member in the family? Everything is very simple: you need to be more patient and attentive to each other, discuss your problems and fears with your partner, spend more time together and - no matter what - learn to relax and devote time to your beloved (beloved).

postpartum depression

In addition to the situations described above, which do not go beyond normality, many of today's women are well aware of such an unpleasant term as postpartum depression. This disease develops in every tenth young mother in the first three months after childbirth; it can persist and progress for a year or even more. The most prone to postpartum depression are women who are not paid attention to, who are not helped.

Symptoms of postpartum depression:

Fatigue.
Irritability.
Concern for the future of the child and their own prospects.
Feeling of unreality of the surrounding world and situation.
Depression.
Panic attacks.
A sharp decrease or loss of appetite and libido.
Sleep problems.
Helplessness in household chores.
Loss of love for the child, which inevitably brings with it a complication in the form of a severe sense of guilt.
Constant fear of becoming a bad mother.

What are causes this disease? Scholars disagree, but most say

Heredity.
Lack of support and attention from a partner.
Premature birth, health problems in the child or in the mother.
Childhood without maternal affection.
"Jumps" of hormones.
Natural reaction to childbirth and motherhood.

It is very important for a woman who has discovered the symptoms of this disease to learn how to relax. How to do it? In no case should you succumb to the temptation to drink, smoke or eat sweets to satiety. Stress cannot be defeated, but a child can be harmed easily. It is better to use one or a couple of the tips below.

Eliminate tea, coffee, and other caffeinated beverages and foods, and replace them with soothing herbal teas such as chamomile or peppermint.
While the baby is resting, find fifteen minutes to read a good book. Reading is a great way to deal with stress.
Take the child in the stroller to the yard and work in the garden.
Watch a good comedy. Laughter improves mood, which means it defeats stress and nervousness.
Take a walk in a beautiful peaceful place, enjoy communication with nature.
Do yoga.
Take a bath with soothing oils.
Together with a partner, do something that both enjoy. Not necessarily sex if the woman doesn't want to.

The father of the child can and should also take an active part in the cure of a young mother from such an unpleasant illness as postpartum depression. Relatively little is required of him:

Less nit-picking, more love and attention.
To the extent possible, take on part of the care of the baby and - or homework.
Give your spouse more time for yourself and your business and hobbies.
More time to spend with her alone, but do not insist on making love.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember for a couple who has entered such a difficult period of family life as the first year of their first child is that they are now one, and that the screaming - pissing - pooping lump is the wonderful fruit of their strong love. Very soon, this fruit of love will be a year old, and it will become much easier for everyone. Mom and dad will understand that they were hysterical, cursing and quarreling for no apparent reason, and the renewed family will happily live together as a three.

The long-awaited moment has come in the family - the baby was born. But along with joy, new worries and sleepless nights came to the house. The young mother is very tired, and the father is immersed in solving material problems, which have become even more. Your life will no longer be the same, there is more than one person in the family who requires constant attention. How to deal with all this?

Changes in husband's behavior

Causes

Dreaming of the birth of a baby, the future father could hardly imagine how this event would actually change his life. Now there are three of them, the wife's attention is entirely directed to the child, she has no free time at all, her intimate life is clearly lame. But he is a man, where can he compete with the crumbs! Nevertheless, you want attention, there is no one to complain to, and there is no point, you need to hold on, and this can be difficult, because he is also not made of iron. A burden of material worries has fallen on the young dad, he must work and pay attention to the family, it is really difficult for him, he can be understood.

What does it look like

These changes can look different, it all depends on the temperament of the person. One becomes irritable, the second begins to spend more time outside the home, while the third endures everything very steadfastly, but runs the risk of falling down from fatigue.

What to do

To improve relations with her husband, the wife needs to pay attention to him, otherwise the consequences can be unpredictable. For starters, let him look at the world through his eyes: he works, takes care of his family, almost never rests, and she always has no time for him. It would be nice to offer him at least a little rest - let him go with friends to a bar or go fishing. In the short time of his absence, nothing will change drastically, and a change of scenery will do him good.

A husband should feel needed, remind him more often with words and actions that you love him, even the strongest man really needs this. And the time will come to help you - the child will not always be so small and require the continuous presence of the mother. With time everything will get better!

Changes in wife's behavior

Causes

After an exhausting pregnancy and childbirth, a woman's body is very weakened and needs to be restored, and with the advent of a baby in the house, one can only dream of rest. Every 2-3 hours the baby needs to be fed, it is not always possible to rock him right away, sleepless nights add fatigue and irritation. The woman herself suffers from the fact that she cannot spend as much time with her husband as she would like, but she is not able to break between the child and the man she loves. This period of her life is very difficult for her.

What does it look like

Often, the accumulated fatigue results in tantrums, tearfulness, claims to her husband. This annoys the man, he is looking for a way to distract himself, and the wife ends up getting even angrier. She expected support and understanding from her husband, looking at such a reaction, she considers herself lonely and abandoned at a difficult moment.

There are very calm women who keep all experiences deep in themselves, trying to be strong. Such endurance can play a cruel joke with them, turning into an illness or a nervous breakdown later.

What to do

In the first months after childbirth, a woman most of all needs rest. The kindest thing you can do for her is to let her be alone for a while. Take a walk with the stroller, and at this time she will be able to recover at least a little after sleepless nights or take care of herself. Unload her for a day from household chores, order pizza, for example, so that she does not cook. For such care, your wife will be very grateful to you.

Most importantly, be patient. Gradually, she will move away from childbirth, the baby will grow up a little, his sleep pattern will normalize, and it will be much easier for both of you.

How to mend broken relationships

It happens that such a joyful event as the appearance of a child in a family turns into a crisis for the relationship of the spouses. It is necessary to look for a way out together, because in this situation there is no one to blame, both sides suffer. Try to pay more attention to each other, find time to talk about painful things, treat each other's feelings with understanding.

Great benefits for the whole family can bring joint outdoor recreation or a walk. The main thing is to notice all the changes in the mood and behavior of your other half and take measures in time so that the relationship does not deteriorate completely.

How to Maintain a Good Relationship

If the birth of a child has not affected your marriage in a negative way, just try to keep the relationship the same. One way or another, the appearance of a baby in the house is a big change in the life of the whole family. Be more attentive to your spouse, sometimes deep inner feelings can be hidden behind external calmness. There is never enough love and understanding, and there are no people who do not need it.

In every family, the birth of a child is one of the most anticipated and joyful events. And, of course, this event cannot but affect relationships in the family.

Those relationships that have already been formed - with the advent of a new family member, these relationships need to be changed. Therefore, when a woman finds out that she will soon become a mother, she experiences not only joy and happiness, but also feelings of anxiety, insecurity and fear.

Primarily fear of the unknown(especially if this is the first pregnancy or the previous ones were unsuccessful). And, based on these feelings, the attention of the expectant mother is completely directed to her feelings, to the baby, who needs care and attention just in this antenatal period.

And it’s good if the husband treats this with understanding, but it often happens that this causes misunderstanding and irritation in the partner, which becomes the cause of conflicts. However, this is also a difficult period for the future father, because due to the lack of a paternal instinct, getting used to the new order of life is more difficult for him than for a woman.

Also during this period, the financial responsibility that falls on him also increases, because now he has to take care of the financial well-being of the whole family alone. But if there is love, then the partners treat each other with understanding and respect. And all conflicts are resolved easily and quickly.

The next period comes when the birth occurs. And now there is one more person in the family. And not just for a person, but for someone who constantly needs care and guardianship. And now he's the center of attention. And, of course, caring for a child is not an easy task.

And at this moment, parents are required to give their full dedication and give up certain interests in order to please (in a good sense of the word) the child. At this stage, it often happens that one of the parents is not ready for this. And mutual claims and accusations begin.

Therefore, it is good if the partners can immediately discuss who is doing what, which one is contributing, which of the relatives (nanny) and how often they will be attracted to be together. Often we think that it goes without saying, and he (she) must understand me. But it is better to discuss such issues (because then there are more chances that you will be understood).

3 years after birth, the process of socialization of the child begins. And here the child goes under the sphere of influence of the father (not the sphere of care and constant care). The father introduces the child to the world around him, takes him to kindergarten, school, teaches him to resolve conflicts on the playground, tells what is good and what is bad.

Naturally, during this period, the father will forbid a lot and not allow the child. But there is a mother who always loves, loves just like that. And even if the child behaves badly, or indulges, it is important for him to know that his mother always loves him unconditionally. Of course, this is right for the child and good for his development. However, often the mother takes on educational functions, and care, and everything, everything, everything.

And this is not because there is no one else, or the partner does not take on his duties (which is also possible). In this situation, the woman is sure that no one can take care of her baby better than she. And she is absolutely right. However, take a chance a couple of times, give dad time with the child, and you will see how much you did not notice in your child and partner.

Further into puberty, girls move under the mother's sphere of influence, and learn from them to be women, and boys remain in the father's sphere of influence, and learn to be men. And again, there is often an imbalance here, as a mother teaches a boy to be a man, or a father teaches a girl to be a woman, and such a child will not be self-confident and express himself 100%.

I did not raise the issue of jealousy, and that, as a rule, a man feels that because of the child he is in some way missing. This is the most common cause of conflicts (even older children feel that with the birth of a younger brother (sister) their childhood is over). In order to avoid such a situation, it is enough to make sure that you have already grown up (emotionally. Not according to your passport).

Paying attention to the child, do not forget about the partner.
Find more ways to spend time together.
Discuss the moments of education with a partner, do not hush up or suppress resentment.
Trust your partner, he will not do much better than you, he will do it differently. For a child, it will be good.
Never sort things out in front of a child, your disagreements do not concern the child.
Form a respectful attitude of the child towards parents, do not allow yourself to criticize a partner or grandparents in front of a child.

As always, I welcome your questions and comments. See you soon!

Expecting the birth of the first child, we mentally prepare for many difficulties: sleepless nights, childhood whims and illnesses, chronic fatigue ... But even the most far-sighted of us do not assume that the happiest event in a couple's life often becomes the starting point of its destruction. Is it possible to save a relationship if there are three of you?

Numerous studies confirm this paradoxical thesis: in the first year of a child's life, satisfaction with one's own marriage decreases significantly. The statistics presented in a study by the University of Denver (University of Denver, 2009) are staggering: 90% of couples say so. According to data published in the journal Psychology Today, this also applies to those people whose relationships before pregnancy seemed great to them.

Moreover, the higher the expectations of a man and a woman from future parenthood, the more difficult they experience this period: instead of closeness, distance comes, instead of mutual understanding, disagreements about raising a baby. It is no coincidence that, under Russian law, a man does not have the right to divorce his wife without her consent during pregnancy and in the first year of a child's life.

What happens to a couple after the birth of their first child? Psychologists identify several important aspects, including social and cultural attitudes in society, the highest level of stress in the first months after childbirth, as well as gender differences in the behavior of men and women during this period. Our correspondent talked in detail with experts about each of them.

From dyad to triad

“There are huge changes in the relationship between a man and a woman at this moment,” explains psychologist, founder of group classes in preparation for childbirth, Daria Utkina. - Their roles are changing dramatically: before they were lovers, and now they have become young parents. This transformation takes a long time." At first, this is shocking: you have known each other for many years (or months), and suddenly one fine morning comes the realization that this is not at all the person you swore to love forever. Inna Khamitova, a systemic family psychotherapist, considers this a completely natural process: “Parenthood turns people into a completely new side to each other. And people, in a sense, need to get to know each other again, even if they have been together for 10 years. And the couple is either adapting to these changes, or it's the beginning of the end."

The appearance of the baby concerns not only his mom and dad, but their relatives and even friends

All family and social ties are undergoing significant changes, and they also affect relationships within the couple. “Much depends on the position of grandparents - how they see their role in raising a child and how much this coincides with the expectations of his parents,” comments Daria Utkina. - And depending on how important social activity was for dad or mom, it is easier or harder for them to adapt to their new life. We all know those famous “baby poop” talks of new parents – how does it even fit into your previous lifestyle?”

Of course, all these processes are individual and depend on the characteristics of the individual. “In addition, after the birth of a child, certain internal conflicts arise in each of us, connected with relations with our own parents,” notes Inna Khamitova. - And this can also provoke estrangement between spouses. Still, a triangle is a more stable structure than a dyad. And if the couple managed to survive the crisis period, the relationship becomes much stronger. If you let this situation take its course, a crack appears in the family, which can then turn into an abyss.

If one or both parents find it too difficult to change their habits, the child becomes a catalyst for conflict because it brings such levels of stress into life that the couple faces questions: are we ready to include this third person in our relationship? Or do we want to pass it on to nannies and grandmothers, continuing the relationship that we had? Or do we understand that it is impossible to build relationships further? “It is possible to answer them approximately by the end of the first year of the baby’s life, because it is then that the realization comes that the child is forever.” In addition, there is a certain request from society: a year is given to young parents for adaptation, but after this period it is expected that they will begin to lead a familiar lifestyle.

It's hard for everyone

During pregnancy and after childbirth, a woman experiences a colossal hormonal shock in her body. Each mother reacts to it differently: for many, the baby is what protects from the outside world, especially during breastfeeding. “In addition to biological factors, each woman has her own unique psychological experience,” emphasizes Daria Utkina. - For some, this is the engine, and for someone - the reason for depression. But in any case, this is a huge physical and mental work, and at the same time there is still a child with whom you need to establish a connection, and a partner with whom you need to build relationships in a new way. At this moment, the father is also experiencing serious stress: is he ready for such responsibility, "has he built a house and planted a tree." And this stress is only exacerbated by the inflated expectations of men and women from themselves and from each other.

Everyone forgets about the man who became a dad, and this is an equivalent event!

Moreover, unlike a woman, for whom there are many techniques and rituals in culture to adapt to her new role, for a man this process can be much more difficult. “Let these be only symbolic ceremonies, but a woman is greeted with flowers from the hospital, they give gifts for children's birthdays and much more,” comments Daria Utkina. - But everyone forgets about the man who became a dad, and this is an equivalent event! In fact, there is no way for him to initiate other than going to a bar with friends and getting drunk. And if he chose instead to go, for example, to childbirth, where the center is a woman, and then a child, then it turns out that he experienced a huge shock, but it is not symbolically marked in any way. He has to rely not on traditions, but to look for new ways for himself.

As a result, we see two people who do not sleep at night, are in a state of extreme stress and anxiety, who have a baby who also wants to understand how to live in this world. Both partners experience all sorts of pressure: from each other, from relatives, friends, society.

Daria Utkina speaks with concern about the trend of recent years: “Now there is a certain social model - a woman who, immediately after giving birth, should lead the same lifestyle as before pregnancy. She works, leads a social life, looks slim and sexy - no whims and changes. This is broadcast from magazines, TV, books and, firstly, creates for a man an absolutely wrong picture of how it really happens. And secondly, it exerts incredible pressure on a woman who experiences a double sense of guilt. Thus, a woman is denied the most important thing - to feel like a full-fledged mother and calmly find harmony with her own child.

Keys to mutual understanding

It is at this stressful point that problems arise that can subsequently lead, if not to a break in relations, then to a serious distance between partners. “The birth of a child, like a litmus test, reveals those unresolved problems in a couple that were before the birth,” says Inna Khamitova. - If the partners did not agree “on the shore” about their duties and roles, or simply did not create a trusting relationship, then when a child appears and there are even more tasks, it is already much more difficult to do this. This process can take very sharp forms and develop into constant scandals.

The first advice for future parents is to seriously prepare for the birth of a child. And not in a children's store, buying booties, but at the negotiating table, discussing all possible negative points and risks. “Learn more about childbirth and the postpartum period,” advises Daria Utkina. - Go to courses for pregnant women together, read specialized literature. It is very important to discuss in advance whether you need a nanny or a housekeeper, what role grandparents will play. And most importantly, what do you expect from each other.

The key to mutual understanding is to give the partner the opportunity and time to realize their new role.

The birth of a baby is the most important event in life for most people. But at the same time, the realization that this life will never be the same does not come to young parents immediately. For objective reasons, they are forced to change their lifestyle, schedule, habits - and for some this becomes a problem. Especially for men who, unlike women, are not naturally endowed with hormones that allow them to quickly realize their parenthood. Therefore, they often need more time to adapt, and here the key to mutual understanding is to give the partner the opportunity and time to realize their new role. Instead of reproaches and ultimatums, it is worth explaining in detail why your new life requires certain sacrifices from both parents.

Physical difficulties and a hormonal surge seriously affect the emotional state of a young mother - psychologists often call it "altered", meaning that she can behave completely differently than before the birth of a child. Even the most balanced woman can suddenly become whiny and capricious. Many mothers describe the first months after childbirth as "a black hole in the mind when you are not aware of your actions."

When talking about their relationship in the first year or two of a baby's life, couples often use the word "unbearable." It is this feeling that pushes them to part. It seems that it is no longer possible to endure and the only way out is divorce. “People are in an extremely stressful state,” explains Daria Utkina. - And it is very difficult to understand in such a situation how objective your emotions are. Am I really feeling this or am I overacting a bit? The only thing that can be controlled is our emotional reactions to the events that occur. Only we ourselves can bring stability to the environment that surrounds us.”

The fourth tip is to be tolerant of your partner. The fact is that in a state of “unbearability” we address this feeling to the person who causes it in us. We shift responsibility for our condition to him, although it arises simply because at some point our own fears and experiences are realized. “But you need to understand the difference between “tolerate” and “show tolerance,” the psychologist warns. - When a person is in pain, if he closes his eyes, he will feel better for a moment. But if the source of pain does not disappear, then the body dies. And we come to the question: is this situation a reason to endure, or to be more tolerant? What will make me feel better right now and in a larger perspective?

Often, separation in a couple occurs because, in the earliest stages, the father feels excluded from the life of the mother and child. Therefore, an important point is an attempt to avoid the “feeling of the third superfluous”. Today, dads are actively involved in the preparation for childbirth and even childbirth. An illusory equality is created between parents, which is immediately destroyed if a woman breastfeeds. “Many dads breathe a sigh of relief when they find out that their paternal functions do not include feeding at night and “lulling” the baby,” Daria Utkina reassures. - Then the question arises before the man: why am I needed here at all? But in fact, he faces the most important tasks: to create space for a woman to calmly take care of a child, to be strong and responsible, to help her partner recover after childbirth. And then the father feels that this is his role and it is significant, he is inspired and does not feel like a third wheel. You just need to remind him more often.”

And finally, the main key to how to save a family is to strive for a balance between parenthood and marriage. “Despite the fact that you have become a father and mother, we must not forget that you are also spouses, friends, lovers, just close people,” warns Inna Khamitova. - This is a separate and important task - to devote time and emotions to each other. Start a tradition once a week to leave the child to a grandmother or a nanny, and spend at least a couple of hours together yourself.

This thesis is also confirmed by a study from the University of Denver: couples who, 6 months after the birth of a child, felt more like lovers/partners than other respondents experienced much less stress from their parenthood in general, experienced the difficulties associated with the appearance of a baby in the family more easily. . The more we invest in our relationship during this period, the better it will be for all three family members.