I turned down a good guy and now I regret it. A guy fell in love with me, I refused him, and then I realized that I love him. How do you think he should confess? The psychologist Danilchuk Valentina Vasilievna answers the question

Refuse to bind

How to refuse a man and is it worth it? Is it possible tell him no and even stronger bind to yourself?

Sex is always good when not too fast. If you are too interested in this man, it is better to reject his first invitation to bed. This is especially true when you:

1. The first showed initiative when meeting.
2. Your man belongs to the psychotype "".
3. You know for sure that the other day he is leaving on a long business trip.
4. You know that in addition to you, he already has a wife and a mistress.
5. You know very little about him.
6. You always give yourself to a man "with a soul."

In short, it makes sense to surrender immediately only when, apart from a one-time pampering, you don’t need anything from it.

A moral experiment for the sophisticated

But if it still turned out to be “easy to have fun” with a man, you can make an unexpected discovery for yourself. Turns out it's easy to convert "sex on the first date" into a long-term relationship, but only if... you can plausibly show that you're not interested in your fleeting lover as a permanent partner.

Break the male stereotype that all women are spiritually weak and fall in love from the first "fuck". If you have enough "spirit" for this - even after spending the night with you, your man realizes that he could not fuck you. And if he is aware of this, then, having your phone number, it is likely that he will strive to bring what he started to the "logical" end. Read more about what to remember and how to behave after sex so that there are no fears left and you don’t do stupid things in the book

At the moment you are invited to bed, do a completely harmless thing: look into his head and fool it a little. All this will happen something like this ... When you refuse a man, he thinks something like this: “Yeah, she wants to break down, she is gaining her worth.” Often a man voices this with a banal phrase: “Be simpler, dear!” To which it would be nice to answer: “Simplicity is worse than theft!”

You do not indulge in long and stupid explanations - you challenge him. If he accepts this challenge, then an exciting continuation of the relationship follows. If not, then you just lose this man one day earlier than you could lose him, agreeing to everything “without breaking.”

This article is filled with soul and personal experience. How personal experience affects the value of the proposed materials is described in the video

Blog Manipulation-Female pickup- —

A guy fell in love with me, but I didn’t like him, I refused him, but he said that he would love me anyway. And then we temporarily did not communicate and it became hard for me without him, I began to think about him and then my heart began to play and I realized that I love him. And now I don’t know whether to admit it to him or not, suddenly he stopped loving me. What to do.

It all started with the fact that he was praised at the institute and set as an example to the guys, I looked at him and from that moment I began to like him, then I remembered how he gave me gifts from the bottom of his heart, he always said how much he loves me, wrote sms, made me happy, called more often helped by any business, and even when I was guilty of something in front of him, he never took offense and it was easy for me to communicate with him and it was fun. I understood that there were few people like him, but what was my fault that I didn’t love him then. And now I understand that it’s hard for me without him, I’m already used to him, but even now he constantly looks at me, but his face is longing, and his eyes are beautiful but sad, and before that he always smiled at me. He also asks how I'm doing, but still he worries, probably helps me in the same way, and also stands up for me in a difficult situation for me, but he doesn't text me and doesn't call, probably doesn't want to think that he is indifferent to me. but I began to look at him more often in his direction, began to tell him how good and kind he was, then I always smiled at him and once again I clung to him, he hugged me so tightly, but now I don’t know if he stopped loving me or not, I would like that He still loved me and would have hugged me tightly. How do you think he should confess?

Question to the psychologist:

Hello! Please help me resolve the situation. A year has already passed, but I don’t know what to do and I can’t find an answer for myself. A year ago, I developed a close relationship with a work colleague. Relatives are not in terms of physical intimacy, but intimacy of the soul. I must say right away that there was nothing between us, not even kisses, because at that time I was not ready for a relationship with him, and I didn’t want to behave dishonestly either. At the same time, I really liked communication with him, and he, apparently, too, since we communicated very often both in person and on the Internet, and the conversations were sincere.

And then everything turned out the way it usually develops according to the classic plot, when one wants more and ruins everything. In general, he began to hint at more, I refused, but I wanted to maintain a good relationship. Quarrels began, some incomprehensible grievances, a showdown, and in the end they told me that friendship between us was impossible and they simply sent me (in plain text), which was unexpected and very painful for me, since before that he had never used mat to my address. I was, of course, very upset. Didn't sleep all night. But we still work together, so the next day I decided to come up myself and, as they say, make amends for the situation, because otherwise it would be impossible to work together. And it seems like we even had a good talk then. But after that, it somehow tugged at me again in the sense that I constantly remember how he then rudely sent me, and it hurts me a lot. As a result, I myself minimized our communication, since in the first couples this mat was constantly in front of me, as an obstacle to further communication in the "as before" style. Now we communicate very formally, we only say hello and on business if business arises. But the worst thing is that for the past year (almost immediately after the quarrel) he has dramatically changed his attitude - in the sense that he defiantly began to behave and treat me like garbage. I’m not asking you to talk heart to heart with me, but it’s elementary: he won’t open the door for you (although he did it before), he won’t offer help when you carry something heavy in the workroom (although he used to help, and indeed men, with which no relationship at all (just a hatted acquaintance) will help, but now he will never). He just walks by and doesn't even look in your direction. Is the refusal immediately perceived as the complete annihilation of all sorts of human relations in general? If he was offended, then it was he who, in fact, was the first to send me at all and said that we would not be friends! And recently, a terrible scene happened. He met me far from work late in the evening in a downpour, I was all wet, and he was in a car. So it’s not something to let me down (I’m not expecting this anymore), but I didn’t even say hello. Although we could not see each other, because there was no one there except us, and the distance between us was 3-4 meters. How hard is it...

But the worst thing about this is that, apparently, I myself have neither pride, nor self-esteem, nor self-respect. Since a whole year has passed, I have realized a lot, I constantly remember how good it was for us, and I really miss him and our relationship. At the same time, sometimes, when I remember rudeness on his part, I get a little excited, but I’m already ready to close my eyes to her ... In general, of course, on the one hand, I really admire girls who have pride and self-respect, I would really like that too. But, as the test showed, I do not have this. And who did I do better? It was necessary, probably, just a year ago to suffer and step over yourself. And now there's nothing to fix...

The only thing I would probably like to know from respected psychologists, please explain to me male behavior in this and similar situations, otherwise I really don’t understand. Really, if you really had feelings for a person, then from one quarrel, you already begin to behave with him not just as with a stranger, but as with some kind of garbage. What is changing for them? Why do they behave like this? Perhaps this will help me somehow build relationships with people in the future. Thank you!

The psychologist Danilchuk Valentina Vasilievna answers the question.

Good afternoon, Marina!

I will try to explain to you the reasons for this behavior of a man, in this case - a complete disregard for you.

Initially, a friendly trusting relationship developed between the two of you. Let's not bow to the topic that there is no friendship between a man and a woman. Some people have it, some don't.

You correctly wrote: "And then everything turned out the way it usually develops according to the classic plot, when one wants more ..."

The guy hinted at you about a relationship, more than just friendship. You have refused.

And from that moment on, he began to build his line of behavior towards you.

By refusing a young man, you hurt not only his human dignity, but his male ego. For men, the rejection of a woman is perceived as a blow below the belt. But man is different for man. One begins to pursue her further, guided by the principle "how dare they send me off", then, having achieved this woman, he himself abandons her in revenge.

The other man simply "turns on the ignore". Apparently, Marina, your colleague belongs to this category of men.

Why exactly ignore?

How is your colleague's self-esteem in general? If a man has a little low self-esteem, he begins to think that he is not worthy of you. Accordingly, he does everything possible to alienate himself from you by any means. This explains his behavior: open the door for yourself, carry weights, get wet in the rain, etc.

Now consider the option when a man has adequate self-esteem.

Ignoring in this case is your punishment for refusing. Do not forget, Marina, that men also understand female psychology. They know perfectly well that the less attention you begin to pay to a particular woman, the faster she herself will come running to him, in the end, fall in love and suffer.

By ignoring the girl he had feelings for (perhaps he still has them - I don't know), in this way he lowers your self-confidence, your self-esteem.

Such male behavior is most likely not just an insult, but a conscious move on his part. He knows that your self-esteem has now suffered. The more you work together. You see yourself from the outside in a different way than those around you, therefore, by your behavior, it may well be that you show him how bad you feel, how sorry you are ...

Men experience failed relationships easier in the sense that they (men) are more self-sufficient and less dependent on relationships. A woman, on the contrary, cannot be alone for a long time.

That is, in other words, - I was running after you, now you are running after me.

Marina, what is going on in the soul of your colleague, i.e. what feelings he has for you today - only he knows.

But, by turning on ignore, he simply punishes you.

And it looks like he's succeeding.

You write: “But the worst thing about this is that, apparently, I myself have neither pride, nor self-esteem, nor self-respect. Since a whole year has passed, I have realized a lot, I constantly remember how we it was good, and I really miss him and our relationship.At the same time, sometimes, when I remember rudeness on his part, I get a little excited, but I’m already ready to close my eyes to her ... In general, of course, on the one hand, I I really admire girls who have pride and self-respect, I would also really like it. But, as the test showed, I don’t have this. And who did I do better? I should have probably suffered and stepped over myself a year ago. And now there's nothing to fix..."

As you can see, when he confessed his feelings to you, you didn't need him. Now you, Marina, when he does not need you, realize that you feel bad without this person.

But don't get emotional. Think with a cool head.

You are ignored - self-esteem has fallen. So moreover, the person who was not indifferent ignores! Self-esteem dropped even more.

Now sit down and think. Your, Marina, "falling in love" with him is not really falling in love. The female ego simply suffered morally (“He liked me, but now he doesn’t. How is it?! It can’t be!”). Now you do not sleep at night, you are drawn to him, because you need to calm your female ego. And with love, alas, in this case there is nothing to do.

Imagine a situation that you have come together and your relationship is developing. And now the most important thing - does this person correspond to your ideal?

Do you know why not?

That's it you, Marina, and you know why not. Because if he had met your requests for that one and only, then a year ago, when he confessed his feelings to you and offered more, you would not have refused. Why did you refuse? Remember! You know!

That's why it's not your man.

Marina, calm yourself and do not give in to emotions.

And when you meet really "their" - you will understand it right away!

Good luck!

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