How to forgive mom? My story is about “maternal love. Is it possible to forgive the mother who did not love us
This wonderful club has saved me many times from despondency, and wise advice has come in handy more than once in my life. I have a problem that I tried to solve myself, but so far this pain has not left my heart.
I cannot forgive my mother. As a child, she beat me, including with her feet, pulled out my hair, stabbed me with a knife ... I can somehow understand the beatings: she was also beaten in childhood, maybe more than me, but I cannot understand the lack of her interest in me , lack of affection. She never spoke to me, I was obliged to listen and agree with her. I was told, and more than once, that I was an unwanted child and was not needed by anyone.
At the age of 15, I had anorexia and bulimia; I could not get rid of bulimia for a very long time (about 10 years). Only pregnancy cured me of this scourge.
The first husband was very similar to my mother. It is not clear how I chose such a person? He humiliated me, raised me, taught me life. He even hit me once, in the pregnant belly. When the child was 2 years old, I was ripe for divorce. What a relief it was! I calmed down, finally fell in love with myself, and met a person who really appreciates me, literally carries me in his arms. I had the strength to understand this pain, and not to keep it in myself.
When I tried a year ago (I'm 32) to ask my mother why, I wanted to understand her, she closed herself in, and then with my brother conveyed that “you turned out the best because you were beaten the most”. What do you say to that? If she burst into tears, would ask for forgiveness, I would gladly forgive her! But...
I don't want to blame my mother, I want to forgive her. I feel sorry for her. She has a hard life at the moment and there is no glimpse of it. One of my brothers is in constant depression, the other is a drug addict (hashish). They all live together, periodically fight with their father.
My son is 6 years old. I have never used physical violence as a method, and I always try to convince other parents who practice “spanking” that there are other parenting methods that are much more effective. But few people believe ...
How to forgive?
Maria
Olga Taevskaya: My opinion. Your unforgiveness, in my opinion, is based not only on the surface cause-and-effect relationship "beatings, mother's dislike - strong resentment - unforgiveness", but also deeper - "I have gone far, I want to forget the past and nothing to my mother obliged, because she beat me and did not love. "
It is useless to wait from your mother, and indeed it is unauthorized, to admit that she is to blame, she will still have her own view of your relationship with her. She, in spite of the need and unhappy difficult life, brought you up and raised you as best she could. Yes, I was intemperate, took out on you my female dissatisfaction, lack of money and disorder, problems, broke down, caused pain. But she didn’t give up, didn’t refuse, she raised her. How I could. If you cannot forgive, then you do not need it. Perhaps it's even better not to forgive, so as not to repeat the same mistakes with your children. It will be easier for you not to "repeat", because the conditions of your life are immeasurably different for the better.
If you can, be grateful to your parents that they gave birth to you, raised you as best they could, endowed you with a happy fate. After all, you are now healthy and happy? This means that they once chose not the worst parents. And to forgive them for their intemperance and spiteful moments is purely your intimate affair. But you already regret your mother, you begin to understand her better over the years - this is your path to forgiveness. But the final forgiveness, perhaps, will come only after her departure to another world.
The feeling of resentment, especially long-standing, does not give a person peace, burns him from the inside and destroys a happy, harmonious life. People have questions: How to forgive an offense; how to get rid of this negative feeling; how to cope and forget the insult, in a word, how to learn to forgive and not live in the past?
How to get rid of resentment - a question for a psychotherapist
Maria asks:
Hello dear doctor. My question is not the easiest one. The problem is that I was brought up quite strictly: they beat me physically a lot and broke spiritually. The second turned out to be much worse and today ruined my life.
The fact is that I obey all adults (although at my age you cannot say that - I am 20 years old), moreover, I almost obey them. At first I didn’t notice it, until people around me noticed it. It torments me very much, difficult memories from childhood weigh on my soul, and the realization that I have been living as a puppet for quite a long time further lowers my self-esteem.
Everywhere you look, everything is psychologically bad. My mother died of cancer long ago. Before her death, She apologized to me for hitting me a lot: when something did not work out at school, when I could not learn mathematics, she was not interesting to me, and my mother graduated from physics and mathematics and wanted me to be an excellent student, and I studied average , beat and for other reasons - pranks, bad words, it would seem at times for the cause, and sometimes I do not understand why.
But the worst thing is the moral pain that torments me to this day.
My mother raised me alone, her breakdowns were probably due to a lack of support nearby, and I understand that, but apparently my egoism plays in me and I still feel moral pain .. Mother sometimes was very harsh in words, and I am very sensitive. Any word, for example, ugly, I took so close to my heart that for some reason I still remember it ... but after all, more than 10 years have passed.
I even at one moment began to dislike the male sex and consider any sex to be dirt, also because of certain words of my mother regarding sexual relations. And in this regard, I also have problems.
For some reason, I continue to do what older people tell me - my grandmother, for example, or my husband's parents. It is convenient for them - no one speaks words across, but after all, they control my fate, and I keep everything to myself or even sometimes say words against it, but I always stop, because they are adults, they know how best ... my grandmother always says this to me.
So one day my obedience broke the life of me and my child. The fact is that my husband's parents found a gynecologist whom I was supposed to give birth to, and I myself am a doctor, and having gone to her for a consultation, I was convinced of her incompetence. But my parents insisted that I was wrong, that she was a good doctor, and I, a student doctor, did not understand anything. I listened to them, gave birth to this doctor. The doctor mutilated me and the child.
Due to her unskilled labor management, my birth canal injuries are quite serious, to which secondary elements have joined - cicatricial changes, etc. ... I need an operation, but even after the operation, no doctor can guarantee that I can still have children .. I visited two doctors in a completely different city (capital) in rather large centers.
The worst thing is that the child suffered - it turns out that the child was born ahead of time, as a result of which the baby has a heart defect and hypoxic ischemic lesion of the central nervous system, now doctors neurologists diagnose prenatal encephalopathy - a diagnosis that can lead to terrible diseases, ranging from mental retardation to cerebral palsy ... And all this is due to my weakness and worthlessness.
I hate myself for this and at the same time harbor hatred for my husband's parents who did not listen to me. I don’t know how I can continue to live. I wanted a family and children so much .. After all, everything was going well, the pregnancy was proceeding very well. I was sure that I could give birth normally, especially since women in our family gave birth well and no one had such consequences. After all, I read on the forums that this maternity hospital has a bad readout, I talked with the doctor - she did not know basic things, for example, she didn’t even know that there was an obstetric gel… I asked my husband’s parents, but they didn’t listen to me.
I went through extreme stress, I developed neurological problems, twitching, tics, I began to make uncontrolled movements, twitching ... I did not feel the happiness of motherhood, the child was in the hospital for a month. And no one except me feels guilty.
Advisors - my husband's parents and my grandmother continue to pull the blanket over themselves and continue to command. I feel overwhelmed and guilty that I ruined life not only for myself, but also for the child. And this I cannot forgive myself.
I visited a psychologist, but it didn't feel better for long. Grievances come to my mind again and it hurts again, I begin to hate myself ...
Tell me how can I forgive my mother for making me like this? How to forgive the parents of my husband, a crooked and ruthless doctor, and most importantly, a spineless and weak-willed self .. what should I do? How can I continue to live with this in my heart .. please help.
How to deal with resentment and learn to forgive - the therapist's answer
Hello Maria!To continue a quality life, to make it dignified and happy, of course, you need deal with resentment and learn to forgive, leave the past and live in the present.
You need to start with forgiving yourself, with raising self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-love.
To do this, you must complete unfinished situations; to work out, saved in the unconscious, negative emotions; forgive your mother and other people who still have resentment and hatred.
And besides forgiveness, you need to learn to take responsibility for your life, your destiny and your happiness on yourself; to learn how, not just an adult, but as a mature person, to make independent decisions and to resist directions, points of view and beliefs alien to you.
You need to be independent, free from the opinions of others, as you see it as "adults" people - you are an adult yourself.
How to deal with resentment is the crux of the matter
The main difficulty is to understand how to deal with resentment and achieve the desired results.Work to change yourself: your views and deep beliefs; changing the model of the world and expanding the map of reality; transformations of the world around are very difficult, serious and global, but, nevertheless, really doable (there would be a desire).
Ask a psychologist
To begin with, my mother has not been with us for 15 years.
She gave birth to me at the age of 19 from a man who already had a family and children, foolishly, so to speak. When my grandmother found out about her pregnancy, she kicked her out of the house. I took it back when I was one year old and my mother broke up with my father completely. After that I have not seen or heard of him.
Since then I have lived with my grandmother, or rather in a large family. Grandmother, aunt, uncle, mother and me. Only I hardly saw my mother. She left - I was asleep, she came (work + study + personal life), I was already asleep. There were also weekends that I hated.
In the family I was a darling, my aunt and uncle did not like to play, study, give gifts and for pranks I was not scolded or punished ... but only at the end of the week they gave my mother a list ... And then usually on Sunday evening she closed with me lynching began in the room, more often in the form of lectures with a list of all my misdeeds. Sometimes she would take a belt in her hands and then she almost without emotion explained why she would beat me, why with a belt, and not with her hand - because if you beat me with a hand, then you can beat off or damage the internal organs and kidneys ... only fear….
As a child, I was at home in the kindergarten and did not go to any matinee until school, neither in the theater, nor in the cinema, Grandma could not, and my mother was not up to it. I have not had a single birthday with children of the same age. On my birthday, my mother's relatives and friends gathered - they ate, drank, danced, and they gave me toys and sent me to bed early.
Also, my mother took me to the clinic for vaccinations and, while transferring me across the road, stretched out her finger or disgustedly took me by the neck with two fingers.
This lasted until the age of 13, until my mother received a cooperative apartment and the two of us moved there. The teenage crisis and the Age of Christ of two complete strangers locked in the same territory is terrible. Then I found out that I am the cause of all her problems and troubles, that because of me she did not get married, by that time she was the mistress of a very wealthy man and, as they say, she was rolling around like cheese in butter on the envy of her friends. I did not go to circles and sections, because it distracted from school, the diary was checked regularly, but what I do at school and whether I go there was not interested. I went to school wearing my mother’s altered things or what my relatives gave. Sometimes Uncle Venya bought me new things, this was motivated by the fact that in this way the teachers would not envy me and would give me good grades. And I so wanted to look like everyone else, wearing bright leggings, lurid bags ... and this despite the fact that there were no problems with money at all.
She was very beautiful and I inherited a lot from her, when I began to flourish and the boys began to take an interest in me, jealousy and resentment began - to the point of stupidity - Why are you invited to a cafe and I'm not? I am also a woman ... With whom to be friends, with whom to communicate, what time to return - this is normal parental control, but resentment ....
Whatever I did, everything drew criticism and never approval or praise. Once I had the stupidity to share with her my feelings about my first love…. Several months later I heard afterwards - “I didn't wipe the dust again - you think about your love”, - “I bought the wrong products - it’s clear that there’s only love in my head.” I didn’t tell her about anything personal. It was suggested to me that since I was born, I was obliged to pay for it. Of course, I can get married, then she will be a bad mother-in-law and a divorce is guaranteed to me. Don't even think about children - I was born and there is nothing good. She has poor health and all my life I will have to devote to caring for her - this is my mission in this world!
I had no right to choose what to wear, what to do every specific day (even the 17-year-old girl's daily schedule was approved), where to go, who to be friends with, where to go - everything was decided for me - no objections were accepted - MOM was always right ...
Her health was weak and she died suddenly, faded away in 5 days from the infection brought during the operation. I cried only once when I heard this news from fear and fright ...
They buried her on the day of my 20th birthday !!!
For another year, I had nightmares that she got up from the coffin and walked like a wordless, lifeless zombie.
Why I wrote this - because I haven’t solved a lot of problems. For a long time I did not dare to get married. Until the age of 30, she could not see pregnant women and small children. I chose a strange symbiosis of Uncle Venya and Mother as my husband ...
They seem to love me, but they criticize me. They respect the person but control ...
Maybe I just need to accept it, but how?
Do you think I forgave her?
Tatiana, hello.
I read your letter and felt pain. Dull, dull pain. The pain is bearable, but constant. You know how when appendicitis is complicated by peritonitis. The pain subsided, because the purulent process invaded the entire abdominal cavity. It no longer hurts, but without medical assistance it leads to death.
So you, Tatyana, have pain, and resentment against mom is not acute for a long time, and there is no desire to take revenge. Tanyusha, perhaps you have forgiven your mother, but the insult has filled all of you, you have been carrying her all these years. for 15 years. This pain is devastating, it eats away at you from the inside. Your soul is wounded, not alive. This requires treatment. Treatment with a word. Treatment by adoption. There are specialists for this - psychologists, psychotherapists. Tanya, you definitely need to undergo personal psychotherapy. It cures and heals very well. It hurts. There will be many tears. There will be a lot of pain. But your moaning chronic tearing pain will disappear. With time. Tatyan
and, on this site there is a very good psychotherapist, psychoanalyst Marchenko Viktor Vladimirovich. Call him. He is a very good specialist in depression, parent-child relationships. Help yourself.
Best regards, T.Sh.
Good answer 6 Bad answer 0Difficult confession ...
Difficult questions ...
Forgiving mother ... I think forgiving is a divine thing ...
Our, human - rather - to understand ...
Understand mom ..., understand yourself ..., understand life ...
Then comes - not forgiveness - something else ...
Rather - sympathy ...
And a different understanding and vision of life ...
The work is hard.
But possible.
Please contact.
G. Idrisov.
Good answer 0 Bad answer 1Hello Tatiana!
You are not alone in your problem. Each of us (I think there are only a few exceptions) was traumatized by our parents and did not give us a lot of things. But it is pointless to accumulate anger and resentment for them, it will not change anything. Your resentment does not go away, in my opinion, because you are not doing anything to live happier than your mother taught you, you are not developing yourself. But now it is already your responsibility, not your mother's. I suggest that you seriously engage in your personal development and building your own life. There are many ways to do this - personal therapy and group training. Soon, my colleague and I are opening a weekly, where is the best place to work through your grievances and other difficult feelings, to find your own path of development and ways to build a happy life. There you can learn about the technical ways of dealing with resentment towards loved ones. I will be glad to be of service to you. All the best, Elena.
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0 
Hello Tatiana! I sympathize with you that in childhood you did not have to experience that motherly love that every child deserves. Your mom made her mistakes and paid for them herself. And people sometimes pay at the expense of loved ones. Your mother transferred all her disappointment in love to you - she saw in you the source of her failed life. It is from here that her criticism, punishment, envy and resentment come from. In fact, your mother remained a little offended two, whom no one helped or supported at one time, on the contrary, they criticized a lot. It was this attitude that she showed you, because she herself did not know and did not see anything else. Of course, you now have many complaints and grievances against your mother. And you have the right to do so. Another thing is that these grievances prevent you from living and moving forward. And it is already your concern - to do something about it. You definitely need the help of a psychologist to work out childhood grievances and experiences. Come, I'll be glad to help. Good luck to you!
Good answer 5 Bad answer 1 
Hello Tatiana.
Question: what do you leave to yourself after you have forgiven your mother? Not only to forgive her, but also to understand how can you now, when she is not, when you are already independent. How does the past hold its ground in your life?
All the best,
Anya.
Good answer 5 Bad answer 1 
Hello Tatiana!
I sympathize with you that you had such a childhood. But what can you do - we do not choose our parents. And while we are small, we cannot change anything, we can only somehow adapt in order to survive. But when we become adults, we have a choice. We can choose how to live, where, with whom ... however, not everyone is aware of this choice. Someone prefers to blame their parents for their failed life all their lives. And someone takes responsibility and lives his life the way he wants. You can now choose what kind of life you will build. All in your hands. And if the resentment against mom is still very strong, then it is best to work with this in personal therapy.
Good luck! Svetlana.
Hello Tatiana. Your letter is similar in style and mood to a tale of past times, to a memoir. And this is about humility and forgiveness. Is this your personal need or do you follow social guidelines? It is customary for us to forgive the dead and not talk badly about them, you can only with a touch of sadness. But relationships with them often leave a very deep mark on the soul and in life. And in fact, we do not have to and cannot always forgive them. You can understand them, but understanding does not always provide forgiveness and acceptance. Of course, it makes sense to work with a psychologist about the relationship with my mother, you yourself understand, they did not end with her death. You are not obliged to forgive, understand and accept your mother (sometimes, even if you want to, it doesn’t work right away and doesn’t always work out), but for your future life and to create your own personal integrity, you need to complete your relationship with her (especially since she has not been in alive). And then what you have now will be replaced by other feelings and a different sense of self. And you will be able to live on the basis of what is now, and not from what you had in the past. And you will be able to assimilate positive experience from the past and rely on it. Work with a psychologist in person, it will be an interesting and useful work on transforming your own personality. I will be glad to accompany you on this path))
Best regards, Larissa.
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0October 25, 2017 - 4 comments
The body stiffens, blood pulsates in the head, the teeth are tightly clenched from the intolerance of the burning sensation. You stand and endure, you try not to explode, not to cry, not to show your mother your resentment. Outwardly, you will master yourself, but the burden of resentment will fall on your shoulders as a heavy burden. And how can I forgive my mother if the resentment only increases every day?
Resentment requires sacrifice
The resources of internal forces that could be used to create a family and build a career are laid on the altar of resentment.
You don't like being offended. I would like to forgive my mother, so you are waiting for an apology so that you can say “Goodbye” with a light heart and make up. You expect repentance from the offender and tears of regret about how much she was wrong.
You don't want to ask for forgiveness because you want justice. But time passes, and there is no apology. And it seems that mom does not even blame herself for the mistake, does not notice your resentment. Relationships become formal, emotional closeness and kinship disappear.
What if the advice of a psychologist on speaking the situation and writing letters does not help? How to forgive and not be offended if mom hurts with literally every word? Let's figure it out with the help of the knowledge of system-vector psychology.
1. To forgive an offense, you need to understand the reason for its occurrence
Resentment is one of the most difficult conditions to which not everyone is susceptible. There are people for whom family values, respect for elders and preservation of traditions are the basis of their worldview. Mom is the most significant and dear person for them.
Attentive, diligent and eminently decent, they are born with a sense of inner justice. These are people who always bring the work started to the end and do the work conscientiously. Therefore, they expect praise from others, primarily from mom.
In addition, they react painfully to criticism and cannot stand haste. In a conflict situation, they think that mom herself understands all the injustice of her words and actions. Therefore, they are waiting for an apology to forgive her. No excuses - no forgiveness.
2. How to live for a "touchy" person
Resentment arises as a response to a violation of the inner sense of justice, only among the owners of the anal vector. In addition to other positive qualities, a person with an anal vector is endowed with a phenomenal memory, patience and a desire to receive and transfer knowledge. These valuable properties are truly irreplaceable and in demand in many professions. For example, a scientist, teacher or accountant.
A person gets pleasure from life, making the most of the treasures of natural data. Family is an integral component of happiness and at the same time the meaning of life for a person with an anal vector. In many ways, he works for the sake of his family, for the sake of his children. In the case of resentment, it turns out that the best qualities are not used for their intended purpose, but are locked in their own thoughts and experiences.
But even a person who has a family and a favorite job can sometimes experience a bitter state of resentment, because my mother did not appreciate or listen. Anything can happen. Or maybe the resentment has been stored in the soul since childhood?
3. Understand that mom is not like me
The problem is that we all perceive others as if they are just like us.
At the training "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan, the reason for the dramatic difference in people is revealed. It is she who gives an understanding of how to forgive and let go of the insult to the mother or other involuntary offenders.
After all, it may well turn out that the mother has completely different properties. She hurries, saving time. She is stingy with praise, saving words. She loves her child, but in her own way.
With the understanding of these fundamental differences, internal tension and the question: "Why did she say / did that?" Resentment, hatred and aggression are replaced by understanding and joy from observing a predictable reaction, as well as a feeling of sincere forgiveness.
4. How to forgive mom and communicate with her without being offended
After realizing the "difference between the worlds" - my own and my mother's - the relationship, previously undermined by a worm of resentment, becomes stronger, warmth appears in them. There is no longer a need for justice to be done. The assessment of the justice of mother's actions changes, because you justify with all your heart what you understand.
Understanding the properties of the psyche of another person allows you to forgive your mother for real. And new grievances against my mother - the person who gave life - no longer arise. Instead of a load of grievances, warm memories of childhood appear, even if it seems that they did not exist at all. When you understand your mother as yourself, infinite warmth, tenderness and love for her appear.
5. A happy life without resentment towards mom
Understanding yourself and realizing innate properties is the best way to learn to forgive and improve your relationship with your mom. Sincere forgiveness lightens the soul and releases tremendous vitality. The question of how to learn to forgive offenses becomes meaningless, because the offenses are no longer there.
A good relationship with mom is an inexhaustible resource of peace of mind. This is what underlies the fundamental sense of security and safety of an individual, regardless of age. It gives us the energy to create and enjoy life.
Here are some results from people who said goodbye to grudges forever and restored a good relationship with their mom:
In our culture, moms are given special honors. Remember the song: "The first word, the main word: mom!" Really, we owe our lives to mothers(by the way, and dads too). She carried in her womb (did not have an abortion!), Endured all the inconveniences, gave birth, fed, did not sleep at night, washed, washed, took to kindergarten, etc. All this is hard work. Low bow to them for that.
AND mothers can offend and very much. And the pain from these wounds can last for years. You can find excuses for their actions, they say, it was all for our good. But the pain that we are trying to drown out turns into bitterness and leads to distance and, possibly, a complete rupture of relations.
But the continuation of relationships - close, trusting, tender, can so enrich our lives! Despite independence and adulthood, you can ask your mother for advice, ask for help, or just have a nice time in communication.
The Bible About Relationships with Parents
In Exodus 20:12, the commandment is written: " Honor thy father and thy mother that your days may be prolonged on the land which the Lord your God gives you. "
What does it mean to honor? This does not mean that if the daughter is already married or the son is married, then all the orders of the parents must be followed. This means, give honor, be grateful for having given birth, raised, brought up, as they could, as they understood. If we have resentment in our hearts, it is difficult to be grateful.
There is also a promise in this verse: "that your days on earth may be prolonged." If we are grateful, we will live long)
How to forgive insults to mom
If it is difficult to start a conversation, you can write a letter first to throw out the violent emotions from the memories.
Letter to mom
- First, write what exactly your mother offended you, without embellishing, without underestimating your pain and despair, describe your feelings, thoughts and emotions. It is better to record one episode first, the most acute, the most painful, you should not stir it all at once. You can not be shy in expressions, this letter does not need to be shown to anyone.
- Describe the result: distancing, distrust, or rupture.
- Explain your desires and expectations: closeness, trust, caring.
- Now remember and write down everything for which you are grateful to her: for not having an abortion, that she gave birth, that she did not sleep at night, that she fed, washed, walked, taught to walk, speak, eat, read, etc. Even if your mother gave birth and left in the maternity hospital, you should thank her that she at least gave birth (
When you have done all this, you will see, emotions will subside, resentment will seem such a trifle. But! Do not give in to the desire to leave everything as it is, they say, I have already forgiven (a). You also need to talk or give a letter (rewritten - without strong expressions, first - gratitude, then offense) to mom! If this is not done, everything will repeat itself over and over again!
An important conversation
Choose a time when both of you will be calm, there will be no one else, there will be no rush or extreme fatigue.
Start with the words: "Mom, I am very grateful to you for everything that you have done for me (list)." It is good if you remember some pleasant episodes when you experienced joy and happiness.
Let's move on to resentment: "Mom, there was a moment in our life when you hurt me a lot. Remember, ... (describe the situation)" I felt ... (describe your feelings - pain, anger, despair, shame etc.).
No need to listen to explanations and excuses. Just say, "I have forgiven you and I want everything to be fine between us." Hug and kiss her.
Ask if you yourself have once offended her, and be ready to listen and ask for forgiveness.
What if...
If mom is no longer in the world, the letter still needs to be written. You can describe all the episodes that still hurt. And then perhaps discuss it with someone you trust.
If mom is far away, you can rewrite the first letter and send or send. In this new one, put 4th item first, then 1st to 3rd.
Even if your resentment is childish or very old- no matter. Talk about it anyway. Such things leave an imprint on the whole life, form an attitude towards oneself and others.
If mom doesn't want to listen, does not show understanding and remorse - it doesn't matter. You cannot change it. You have done your part - forgiven. Don't judge, but be grateful for what she did good for you.
Mom is a very close and dear person for us for life