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Love. What is love in my admiration, and solid with my words? Love and mental health

Complex affective state and experience associated with the primary libidinal kethexis of the object. The feeling is characterized by raised mood and euphoria, sometimes ecstasy, sometimes pain. Freud indicated love as a "re-found object", it can be considered as affective reproduction of the state of symbiotic unity. Probably, the child is first experiencing love in the form of attachment to mother and desire for it during and after differentiation of representatives of itself and objects.

The development of love in early childhood largely depends on the mutual love affection of the mother or the one who first cares about the child. Initially, the child loves the narcissistic object, and himself; Early love is characterized by pronounced oral and narcissistic goals and properties.

Love is considered in three main dimensions: Narcissical love - Object love, infantile love - Mature love, love - hatred. At the same time, an important factor affecting the quality and stability of love is the degree of hate, aggressive goals opposing the objectives of affection, that is, ambivalence. The development of object constancy necessary for further mature love depends on a number of factors. Among them: resolution of intense ambivalence, consolidation of stable, connected representations of itself and objects, regression resistance I and the loss of affection in the situation of frustration and separation from the object. In order to feel beloved, the constancy of the self and healthy secondary narcissism is necessary. Important elements of love relationships - the ability to find each other means of replenishing past losses or healing injuries, as well as the establishment and consolidation of a sense of unique mutual proximity. The desire to satisfy sexual desire is usually mutually, but the concept of love should be distinguished by the concept of primacy of genitalia, under which the ability to achieve orgasm is currently understood regardless of the level or nature of object relations.

Freud discovered that love is based on infantile prototypes. Love-transfer is the revival of real and imaginary infantile love relationships; Its analysis helps the patient understand how infantile targets and attachment affect the actions and attitude of the adult. Even relatively internally agreed and stable love is the object of regression and infantile fixation. With pronounced regression or in the event of a delay in the development of the individual may not be able to love. This inability is often accompanied by primitive aggression, hate and object.

After the primary psychosexual object attachment is established, love acquires many forms and directions with forbidden purposes. From the point of view of the structure, love includes it, I and above-I. Love, approval, the pleasure of parents is internally in mature and good above; Rough and cruel super-I destroy the ability to love and be loved. Love can shift from the initial objects to collective objects and affairs, but religion, on artistic, intellectual or physical sublimation, on pets, personal interests. The boundaries of the concept of love is difficult to determine; Adult love includes both mature and infantile unconscious features and always implies a tendency to identify with a favorite object and its idealization.

Love

LOVE

Psychologists may have received wisely if they abandoned responsibility for analyzing this term and provided it with poets. The confusing disorder arising due to the lack of wisdom and excess of courage can, however, are systematized in accordance with the following classification scheme. First we give the two most common models of consumption of this term. 1. Intensive sense of strong attachment or sympathy, experienced in relation to some specific thing or to a person. 2. A steady feeling for a person who caresses the desire to be with this person and concern with the happiness and pleasure of this person. Please note that both of these values \u200b\u200bmay contain or not contain connotations of sexuality. Of course, the first importance is often used in relation to cats, tennis, teachers or training disciplines, and the second belongs to parents or children - everything without sexual or erotic connotations. However, the value of 1 can also be applied to lovers, and the value of 2 - in relation to wives, husbands and loved ones. The main thing is that love in any of these values \u200b\u200bis an emotional state, painting all interactions with a loved one or a thing and their perception. This is the component, of course, who makes love so attractive for psychologists.

Someone can turn to psychoanalytic theory in the hope of obtaining clarification. But it will also have to face an opinion similar to the fact that the British analyst Raikroft expressed: "There are also many problems with the definition of this diverse concept, like everywhere." It is used by

other, for example: 3. Any emotional state defined as mostly opposite hate. 4. Emotion to be sublimation or braking. 5. Eros and instinctive force equivalent, close or to instincts of life or to sexual instincts, depending on whether the author of an early or late point of view of Freud adheres to (for clarification, see Libido).

The value of 3 seems to not be great value for psychologists; It necessarily distinguishes the definitions. The models of use 4 and 5 are close to the classical psychoanalytic value, especially in the fact that all the manifestations of love - love for themselves, to children, to humanity, to a country or even abstract ideas - are considered as manifestations of the main instinctive force and, therefore, are subject to action. protective mechanisms. However, some complications arise, especially due to the fact that some theorists additionally introduce the concept of object love and interpret the ideas contained in the values \u200b\u200bof 4 and 5, as a manifestation of the need to have relationships with objects, including, of course, with people.

The use of the concept of love as a scientific term causes several types of contradictions. First, the problem of sex and sexual expression: is it an essential component or can love exist completely separately from this? Secondly, the problem of instinct: Is love congenital or is it an acquired emotional reaction? Thirdly, the problem of the method of manifestation of emotions: can the feeling of being not related to behavior or emotion always imposes an imprint on behavior?

LOVE

the generalized concept used to describe and characterize the experiences and senses of a person associated with its attitude to other people, subjects, ideas, peace as a whole and to itself.

In classical psychoanalysis, under love, it was understood first of all such a relationship between people, which is due to the affective manifestation of libido, that is, sexual energy. Although Z. Freud believed that the creature is that in psychoanalysis is called love, is nothing more than the usual, inflamed understanding of love, namely, the sexual interaction between people, nevertheless, he was not alien to the idea of \u200b\u200blove Exceptionally intimate relationships. It is not by chance that in the work "Mass Psychology and Analysis of the Human I" (1921), he wrote: "We, however, do not separate everything that is generally connected with the concept of love, that is, on the one hand, love for yourself , on the other hand, the love of parents, the love of children, friendship and universal love, do not separate and devotion to specific subjects or abstract ideas. "

In historical terms, Love corrected Z. Freud with a person's attachment to a sexual object and performed on a par with the external needs, due to the need to live together people. In this regard, Eros and Anan is (the need) were "ancestors of human culture" for him. Love was considered as a "base of culture", which causes the strongest experience of pleasure sex (genital) love - as a prototype of human happiness.

In understanding Z. Freud, love laid the foundations of the family in antiquity. She does not rebound from direct sexual satisfaction and in modern culture. Moreover, love continues to influence culture, including in the form of tenderness, which is a modified and inactive sexual activity. In both forms, it performs an important function, that is, it binds together many people. Another thing is that the usual use in the speech of the concept of love turns out to be uncertain, impellent understanding of what is actually about.

Z. Freud proceeded from the fact that the inaccuracy of the use of the word "love" has its own "genetic basis". In the work of "dissatisfaction with culture" (1930), he explained his thought so: "Love calls the relationship between a man and a woman who created a family to meet their sexual needs. But love is both good feelings between parents and children, brothers and sisters, although such relationships should be denoted as the inactive love or tenderness. " Initially injected by the goal of love was simultaneously sensual. Such it remains in modern culture with the only difference, which turns out to be unconscious. Both types of love (sensual and inhibited by goal) go beyond the family, as a result of which the necessary connection is established between those who have previously been alien to each other. Thus, sexual love leads to new family unions, while love-dried in the goal - to friendly, culturally significant associations of people in which limitations of sexual love are overcome. However, as Z. Freud believed, in the course of development, love began to lose an unequivocal attitude towards culture. "On the one hand, love enters into a contradiction with the interests of culture, on the other - culture threatens love with tangible restrictions."

Such a split is manifested, according to Z. Freud, primarily in the form of conflict between family and larger communities of people. The psychic energy spent on the purpose of culture takes away from sexual life, the restriction of which leads to cultural development, but at the same time turns into human neurotic. Already the first phase of culture brought with him a ban on the entrance, which applied, according to Z. Freud, "the wound of a human love life for all time." The highest point of such a development of culture and restrictions of sexuality is the Western European culture, where the prohibition was the manifestations of children's sexuality. And although such a ban is psychologically justified, since without prior suppression, in childhood, the taming of sexual lies in adults would be a hopeless thing, however, as Z. Freud believed, there is no excuse that culture generally rejects the presence of children's sexuality as such.

From the point of view of the founder of psychoanalysis, the contradiction between love and culture is noticeably affected by the development of man. In the first phase of its development, usually ending in five years, the child finds the first love object in one of his parents. The subsequent displacement of his deposits leads to a forced refusal of sexual purposes and modifying his attitudes towards parents. The child remains tied to them, but his feelings acquire the nature of tenderness. With the matureness of the child, his love goes to other sexual objects. However, under adverse conditions of development, sensual and tender attractions may be so incompatible among themselves, that a full-fledged love life of a person will be in question.

So, a man can detect a romantic attraction to a high woman without any need for love, sexual communication with her and will have real sexual relationships only with those "fallen" women whom he does not love and despises. He will have a conflict between the insensitive, heavenly, divine and sensual, earthly, sinful love. Giving the opportunity to get acquainted with the area of \u200b\u200bthe love life of neurotics Psychoanalytic practice discovers such a type of man for which the most valuable object of sexual love is not a good woman, and such that is a prostitute. A man relating to such type is often a mental impotent in communicating with a respectable woman and discovers its sexual force with a humiliated sexual object with which the possibility of complete satisfaction is mentally connected.

To resolve the conflict between love and culture in the history of mankind, various ideal requirements of the cultural community were put forward. One of these requirements is in the form of a famous commandment: "Love your neighbor, like yourself." Assessing this requirement, Z. Freud spoke of his psychological insolvency in real life. Love is an unconditional value for a person, and he cannot irresponsibly spread it, especially since not all people are worthy of love. If the commandment sounded "Love your neighbor, as he loves you," then she would not cause objections. But if another person does not attract me any advantages and does not matter for my feelings, then Z. Freud, it is difficult to love him, and it is unfair to relatively close people deserving my love. "If I have to love him, with a story with world love just because he inhabits the earth - like an insect, rainwater or a ringed beetle, - then I am afraid that the love of his share will fall out a bit."

Often, love is perceived by a person as a strategy of life contributing to the acquisition of happiness. In this case, love is put in the center of life orientation to love and be loved. Such a mental installation stems from the experience of infantile love for parents, as well as sexual love, introducing a person to a previously experienced sense of pleasure. However, as noted by Z. Freud, "We never find themselves so defenseless in the face of suffering than when we love; We are never so hopelessly unfortunate, as with the loss of your favorite being or his love. "

Presentations Z. Freud about love received their further development in psychoanalytic literature. Some psychoanalysts paid more attention to the phenomenon of love discussed through the prism of the marriage relationship between people, the other - the neurotic need for love, third - love as a solution to the problem of human existence.

Thus, the German American psychoanalyst K. Horney (1885-1952) conducted a distinction between love and neurotic need for love, based on the fact that "the main thing in love is the sense of attachment, while neurotic is a primary feeling - the need for acquiring Confidence and tranquility, and the illusion of love is only secondary. " In the work of the "neurotic identity of our time" (1937), she revealed the frequently found in the neurosis "Thirst of Love", in which a person is not able to love, but he has an acute need for love from others, he has a subjective belief in his dedication to others, in while in reality his love is nothing more than "clinging for other people to meet their own needs." If the neurotic approaches the realization that true love is offered, he can experience a feeling of horror. According to K. Horney, the distinguishing features of the neurotic need for love are primarily its intrusive nature and inscription, the main forms of which can be jealousy and the requirement of absolute love. If Z. Freud believed that the neurotic need for love was based on sexual dissatisfaction of man, K. Horney refused to recognize the sexual etiology of the need for love. Giving sexuality of genuine value was estimated as one of the greatest achievements of the founder of psychoanalysis. However, as emphasized K. Horney, many phenomena are considered sexual, which are actually an expression of complex neurotic states, mainly "expressing the neurotic need for love."

For American psychoanalyst E. Fromma (1900-1980) love is art that requires labor and knowledge, the actual force in a person involving the preservation of its integrity. For most people, the problem of love is the problem of how to be loved, while in reality, according to E. Fromma, it lies in how to love himself. Love - it means first of all to give, and not get. Considering love from the standpoint of humanistic psychoanalysis, E. Fromm critically reacted to Freudovsky understanding of love as a sexual attraction. However, he criticized Z. Freud not for the fact that he overestimated the role of sexuality in a person's life, and for the fact that the founder of psychoanalysis "understood sexuality is not deep enough." Therefore, if Z. Freud only touched on the question of various types of love, then E. Fromm paid considerable attention to considering the specifics of love between parents and children, maternal love, fraternal love, erotic love, love for himself, love to God. This was reflected in his work "The Art of Love" (1956), in which he not only considered, like K. Horney, neurotic disorders in love, but also revealed such forms of pseudolubvi, as "sentimental", "idolatry" and neurotic love , based on the use of projective mechanisms in order to escape from solving its own problems.

In the understanding of E. Frochma, love is a personal experience that a person is experiencing only for himself: love depends on the ability to love, which, in turn, depends on the ability to "move away from narcissism and from a blood-mixing attachment to mother and family", From the ability to develop a fruitful installation in relation to peace and to itself. Or, as he wrote in the book "Healthy Society" (1955), "Love is a union with anyone or anything out of himself, subject to the preservation of the isolation and integrity of its own self."

Love

1. A high degree of emotional positive attitude that allocates its object among others and placing it into the center of life interests and the needs of the subject (to mother, children, music, etc.). 2. Intensive intense and relatively sustainable sense of a subject, physiologically determined by sexual needs and expressed in the socially formable desire to be their personal relevant features with the maximum fullness presented in the life of the other in such a way as to encourage the need for a response feeling of the same intensity, tension and stability. .

LOVE

1. A high degree of emotionally positive attitude that distinguishes its object among others and placing it into the center of the life needs and interests of the subject: Love to the Motherland, to Mother, to Children, To Music, etc.

2. Intensive, tense and relatively sustainable sense of a subject, physiologically determined by sexual needs; It is expressed in the socially formable desire to be the most fully represented by its personal and significant features in the vital activity of another (-\u003e personalization) so that he will awaken the need for a response feeling of the same intensity, tensions and stability. The feeling of love is deeply intimate and accompanied by situationally emerging and changing emotions of tenderness, delight, jealousy and other, experienced depending on the individual psychological characteristics of the person.

As a generic concept, love covers a fairly wide range of emotional phenomena, differing in depth, force, the subject or other: from relatively weakly pronounced approving relationships (sympathies) to the entirely exciting human experiences reaching the forces of passion. The fusion of the sexual need of an individual, ensuring ultimately the continuation of the kind, and love as a higher feeling that gives the optimal features of the individual to be continued, ideally represented in another significant, practically does not allow in reflection to separate one of the other. This circumstance served as one of the reasons that different philosophical and psychological directions allowed unlawful absolutment or biological principles in love, reducing it to a sexual instinct (love as sex); Either, denying and giving the physiological side of love, interpreted it as a purely spiritual feeling (Platonic love). Although physiological needs are a prerequisite for the appearance and maintenance of a sense of love, but due to the fact that in the person's person's personality, the biological is removed and acts in the transformed form, as a social, love in its intimate psychological characteristics - a socially historically determined feeling, a kind of reflective social relations and Features of culture, acting as the moral basis of relations at the Institute of Marriage.

Studies ontogenesis and love functions show that it plays a big role in the formation of personality and in the formation of a me-concept. It has been established that frustration needs for love leads to a deterioration in the somatic and mental state. There is a close connection of the individual sense of love with the traditions and norms of society and with the peculiarities of family education: both of these groups of variables are the source of the subjects adopted by the subject of the interpretation of their condition. In psychology, many attempts have been made to study the internal structure of love in general and the links of its individual components with different identity characteristics. The most important of the results obtained is the establishment of a connection between the ability to love and the attitude towards itself. This fact and a number of other similar, as well as the role of love in creating a family make the problematic of love extremely important for psychotherapy and consulting psychological, for education and self-education of the individual.

According to Z. Freud, the kernel of love is sexual love, which is a target of the sexual connection. But this concept is inseparable, everyone who is involved in the word love: selflessness, love for parents and children, friendship, humans, dedication to specific subjects and abstract ideas. Love is originated from the ability I satisfy some of my actuations of auto-erootically, experiencing pleasure from the function of organs. It is originally narcissical, then goes to objects, koi merge with an extended Ya. It is closely connected to the manifestation of later sexual deposits and, when their synthesis is completed, coincides with the sexual desire in its full.

According to E. Fromma, love is an installation, the orientation of the character, asks the attitude of a person to the world at all, as well as the form of manifestation of a sense of care, responsibility, respect and understanding to other people, the desire and ability of a mature creative nature - to active interest in life and development Love object. Sexual attraction is only a form of manifestation of love and connection. Love is an art that requires a variety of knowledge and skills, including disciplines, concentration, patience, interest, activity and faith. In modern society, love relations follow the laws of the market and are implemented in numerous forms of pseudolubvi (-\u003e pseudolyubov: normal form).

"Love is unknown that, which comes unknown from where it ends is unknown when." Such a definition gave the French writer Madeleine de Schuderi.

In his own way, she was right: a person who goes to someone crazy, it is easy to adopt his own flour for mystical obsession.

And yet, with her it is worth arguing ...

Is there love or not?

And here I do not know what love is. Why do you even think it happens? Everything comes down first to bed, and then to a banal habit.

But everything starts with love! Do not be her, and the world would not exist ...

How many similar empty discussions we led, being freshman student! Noisy, offended each other. And all because they talked about different.

The concept of "love" is meaningful. On the one hand, it is freely used when distributing subjective assessments that do not involve rejection or disgust (I love Vasya Pupkin / First Piano Concert Chaykovsky / Fish Salad). On the other, it turned into fetish.

You yourself instantly remember a couple of films and books in which the attraction of heroes to each other helps save humanity from the great and terrible evil forces. In the reality of love destroying the dark lords, I believe with difficulty. Equating it to primitive gastronomic addiction is also ridiculous.

It will be more correct to talk about the special relationship between a man and a woman who represent a complex combination of physical states, models of behavior and, of course, feelings. Which ones?

Estate ideas

Doctor of Biological Sciences Yuri Scherbaty in 2002 spent a survey. Students of the Medical Academy should have been given definition love. The answers of one survey participants clearly contradicted the versions of others - it turned out that "egoism" and "self-sacrifice", "delight" and "peaceful comfort", "pleasure" and "the need for another person", "madness" and " meaning of life".

Find some key points in ideas about the main thing I tried other scientists - for example, E.V. Varaksin and ld Demin (see article "To the problem of a psychological study of the meaning of love: Methodology, hypotheses, methods Results (" News of the Altai State University, 2007).

They worked with two age groups - with high school students and students of several faculties. The guys were asked to paint on the topic "Why a man and a woman love each other?" Content analysis of the answers made it possible to distinguish five basic love functions from the point of view of young:

  1. "Find a loved one and not to be lonely";
  2. give and receive "care, understanding, tenderness, support, trust";
  3. experience the "feeling of happiness";
  4. "Create a family and give birth to children."

Ah, yes - there was still a fifth option, very well-mentioned Madeleine de Schuderi mentioned above - "We love to love."

  • "Happy" (oriented on mutual support and respect, serving the foundation for a friendly family);
  • "Like everyone" (relations in which people enter only fear to remain lonely);
  • "For the sake of sex" (communication, allowing to have power over a partner; often gives a chance to increase social status and get material benefits).

The articles in which we would talk about the understanding of special feelings by people aged in thirty, I did not find it. I think the fact is that by the beginning of the fourth dozen question "What is love?" It often ceases to cause hot interest.

Unless, of course, he is asked not a psychologist for whom the topic of interpersonal relations is the main horse.

Psychology of love and affection

The methodology of classical science did not allow to explore the phenomena of this kind. Scientists said:

  • on positive reactions, originally arising in the form of a child's reaction on a touch of a caring mother (D. B. Watson);
  • about sexual activation (libido) as a primary source of all attachments (Z. Freud);
  • on the electoral search of a suitable marriage partner to continue the genus (S. Samyagin).

However, from about the mid-20th century "in the trend" was a humanistic approach. Freedom, responsibility, creativity has become acceptable topics for dissertations and monographs.

Father-founder of humanistic psychology Abraham Masu has announced that love wears a vital character - that is, it is vital.

Even the Neofreedists stopped putting the notorious libido at the head of the corner: in particular, Karen Horni refused to recognize the sexual etiology of the need for love.

Here is an example of defining love from a modern source ("Psychology of interpersonal communication", Belarusian-Russian University, Mogilyov, 2014):

Love is the type of interpersonal relations, expressing in a high degree of emotionally positive attitude towards a partner who allocates it among others and placing in the center of life interests.

Dry, inevitable from the point of view of Romeo and Juliet, but in general, truthfully.

What is love and what it happens?

Psychologists Following R. Stenberg usually call three component:

  • emotional - intimacy;
  • motivational - passion;
  • thinking - devotion.

Intimacy involves the feeling of heat and participation, the generality of interests, the willingness to trust. Under passion, the ardent desire for unity (physical and not only) is understood, and under devotion - a conscious decision to maintain feelings for a person.

The formula of love that in the same film was searched by Count Caliostro, does not exist. Someone in the first plan comes the kinship of the souls, someone has a relationship to jointly efforts from "Kama Sutra".

Scientists can only describe the most common combinations of "ingredients".

J. A. Li. Highlight the following love styles (we argue, now you will start looking for your own?):

  • storge - strong love-friendship based on trust and mutual understanding;
  • agape - selfless patient adoration, severe spiritual passion;
  • eros is a steady feeling with a pronounced sex beginning; Lovely attracts bodily beauty chosen or chosen;
  • mania is unstable, contradiction and stormy love-jealousy;
  • pragma is a calm and largely rational attachment, dictated by partly sympathy, partly a sober calculation;
  • ludus is a superficial hedonistic game, almost devoid of intimacy; A person just wants to make nice to himself.

I will add for the order that love is often divided into platonic and sensual: they say, there are high souls that serve as an excellent lady, and there are simple mortals, which the animal instinct rules.

I do not know, I do not know ... the poets that the world's samples of Platonic, in fact, were also people from flesh and blood. Let's say, Francesco Petraka all his life disinterestedly adored the married beloved Laura, but did not refuse himself and in earthly pleasures - cohabitated with commoners, starred novels with free noble ladies.

Biochemistry of gentle feelings

Love is not in vain compared with the disease. Catch it or her view - and even an ambulance: the head is spinning, the palms sweat, the cheeks are red, the heart is broken ... Lovely forgets to eat and torments insomnia.

Who about what, and I'm all about science.

There was such an Arthur Aron, a student of the University of California. Once a young man in the ears fell in love with Evener's classmate and experienced all the symptoms of passion for himself. As a future psychologist, Aron decided to find out what caused these peculiar feelings. Material for work was enough for years. Subsequently, a young scientist involved in the study of other specialists - physicians, biologists.

Together they observed what changes occur in the human brain when looking at the photo of a beloved or beloved and "scrolling" in the memory of romantic moments. The reaction was typical: the ventral region and the taper kernel were activated. Both zones are the links of the "Remuneration Systems". They "turn on" while waiting for any pleasure - a favorite dish, a pleasant gift.

Hormonal storm

Love at first close to euphoria thanks dopamine. Its surplus provide loss of appetite and worsening sleep.

Dopamine gives a sense of a buzz - which, however, from time to time is replaced by a deep Handrea. Lovely is able to suddenly burst out due to the essential nonsense. Why? Another important hormone of pleasure, serotonin, turns out to be in short.

Your five kopeck introduces and epinephrine.

Epinephrine is usually produced in response to stress. Its function is the preparation of the body to the extreme situation. It helps the muscles to get more oxygen and ragged heartbeat. It is for him to say "Thank you" for the palm of the palm of the palm at the most delicate moment.

These hormones raise limited time - up to 2-3 years. Then passions calm. Stop, how is it? If the guy and the girl meet more than two years, their love expires the expiration date?

Castle after storm

Relationships just go to another level. Support them help oxytocin and vasopressin.

Oxytocin levels pressure, soothes the breath, slows down the heart rhythm. Its release occurs during handshakes, with an embrace - even friendly. Hormone signals: "Relax! This man is yours! "

Vasopressin is largely akin to oxytocin. It is very likely that it works somewhat differently in women and in men.

Experiments show that this hormone provides a tendency to monogamy. In 2004, American scientists Yang and Lim put a two-stage experiment with theirs. Female mice tried to form sustainable bonds with males at the first stage - after administration of oxytocin. The males did not seek to keep in touch with one female. However, after the introduction of Vasopressin, they immediately began to behave as if they gave an oath in love to the coffin.

How and for what to love a person?

The question is "for what to love?" It sounds cynical - it is impossible to experience a great feeling on the preliminary calculation! It is impossible. But in the blind love of good enough.

Women consider the main features of men:

  • mind (35%);
  • devotion to the family (17%);
  • ability to earn (14%);
  • loyalty (11%);
  • good character (6%);
  • the ability is not to lose tender feelings (6%);
  • the ability to do everything at the farm (3%).

External attractiveness does not mean anything - only 0.2% of the respondents believed that it is essential. Complex due to the lack of embossed muscles of men there is no need. With other conclusions, I would have having fun.

Noticed - women answered much less unanimously? Yes, we are. Try us please.

Perfect relationship

In Soviet times, there was a song in fashion with the words: "If I came up with you, become like I want." The worst installation for love is perhaps not to come up.
Attempts to remake the partner will certainly lead to quarrels. What will continue - depends on its upbringing and character. Your close person or will leave, or will cease to be sincere.
It is necessary to respect each other's solutions even if they seem stupid (I note: without fanaticism; otherwise there is a risk of getting into a partner).

Love is an active interest in the life and development of what we love. Where there is no active interest, there is no love.

Quote above - from the book Erich Fromma "Art of Love". Froms understands high feelings not so much as a source of paradise pleasures, how much is a hard work. So that the composer was able to write a masterpiece opera, he will have to learn the language of music, and then not yet one month to bang over the tank paper. So in relationships.

Relationships are harmonious when partners deliberately learn to replenish each other's needs.

On the languages \u200b\u200bof love - the truth, in a slightly narrower sense - it is curiously argued by the city of Chepman.

Chepman is a practitioner who has been engaged in psychological consulting on marriage and families for more than twenty years.
He notices that pairs are useful to speak more often on the following "languages":

  • physical attractions - even after ten years, marriage is very appropriate to hug, kiss, walk for the handle;
  • acts of ministry - intentional performance of actions, pleasant for a loved one (watch with him football, help her with cooking, etc.);
  • high-quality time - the ability of those who like to fully focus on communicating with a partner, not just mechanically responding to replicas, but to be thought about them;
  • approval of actions and actions of each other - the ability to support, praise;
  • receiving gifts - meaning symbolic gifts, marks of attention (gladiolus from grandmother's garden in this sense is little inferior to a diamond necklace from jewelry boutique).

Chepmen's theory is not very slim, but in practice it works.
So, you read almost two thousand words, learned (or - remembered) scientific facts. Maybe this data helped you better understand yourself.

But - do not hurry to state them when it is necessary to briefly and clearly explain to the girl or a guy what love is. We carry a gentle voice any romantic nonsense that will come to mind. For the "type of interpersonal relations, expressed in a high degree of emotionally positive attitude to the partner," from the victim of the Cupid and on the ears it is possible to scream. 🙂

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We really like this word, and we constantly pronounce it: "love-love-love." But what is it, what kind of love is we talking about?

You can talk about several kinds of love. With regard to our topic, we will stop on two of them. One love is that the most we are constantly talking about, we hear about which we look at TV, etc. This mutual attraction of a man and women to each other, which is expressed in what can be called, rather, in love with love.

But in this imposition itself there is gradation - from the lowest to the highest point. This attraction can also take the lowest, disgusting character. But it can be both humanly sublime, light, romantic feeling. However, even the lightest expression of this attraction is nothing more than humanize an animal instinct. This instinct is an instinct of continuing life, and he is inherent in all the crowns of the earth. Everywhere on Earth, everything flying, crawling, running has this instinct. Including a person. Yes, in the lower - animal - the level of its nature, the person is also subordinated to this instinct. And this instinct acts in man regardless of his mind. Not a mind is a source of mutual attraction of a man and a woman, and natural instinct. The mind can only partially correct this attraction, or stop the effort of the will, or give it the "green light". But no love in the Christian sense of this word in this impulse is not. This is not the same love that Christianity preaches.

Romantic love - love - can suddenly flare and just suddenly go out. Perhaps almost all people experienced a feeling of love, and many more than once - and indeed, it broke out and faded. Today, it would seem love forever, and tomorrow - already hate each other. It is properly said that from love, from such love, to hate - one step. Animal instinct - and nothing more. If a person in creating a family is movable only by this instinct, and if he does not come to an understanding of what Christianity calls upon, then his family relations threaten, most likely the most sophisticated consequences.

Speaking "Calls upon Christianity", we should not think that it is just about some specifics of the Christian worldview. Christianity did not invent new standards of life, it only discovered for us what is the initial law of human life. Just as when we say that someone discovered such a physical law. No Newton, for example, established the law of the world. No, he just discovered, formulated and, if you wish, published it - only and everything. So and Christianity suggests, in fact, not something new, not some kind of narrowly specific understanding, but it only reveals to us that it is inherent in a person initially, according to its very nature. Commandments, data from Christ, there are laws of our Being disclosed to them for us, so that we can lead the right life.

Christianity teaches that God is love. This suggests that the person created in the image of God must follow the law of love. But not at all that love-love, love-passion, which we have now spoke. What kind of love is it? "On the love of the love of the Gospel, and about which the holy fathers wrote in more detail - the most experienced psychologists, I would have called them. Not just people are smart and educated in the field of human psychology. No, but it was the most experienced, who passed the path of the knowledge of themselves who won passion and, trying to have experienced that there is love in God.

What are the Holy Fathers talk on the issue under consideration? If it is too superficially, an ordinary person can even turn away from their teachings. Why? "Because they say that the usual human love, which is so beautiful in the eyes of the world, is still far from love. This, as the famous thinker of the priest Pavel Florensky, who was the revolution of the Moscow Spiritual Academy, which was noted by the revolution, is only a disguised egoism. What does this mean? - This means to all the well-known reality of our life: today I love you, and tomorrow you will check me something ", and I will wave you. That is, I love you smoothly until you enjoy me, call pleasant feelings. And as soon as you spend something quite fair and faithful, but I'm unpleasant - everything, my whole love is immediately evaporated. Here is Florensky and says: disguised egoism.

What is egoism? - Egoism is, if you want, a feeling that requires constant fault of my "I" rising in my own eyes. This is an explicit and implicit requirement of serving my "I". Everything should serve me and everyone must serve me. And if someone does not please and does not serve me, does not give me pleasure, how can I love him? - Of course, I can not.

According to the patristic teaching, ordinary human loveThanks to which marriage is carried out, and the family is only a weak shadow of real love. The true god-like love that can revive the whole life of a person. And true love is possible only on the way to overcoming its egoism, selflessness. This implies the struggle with the departing of his passions - envy, vanity, pride ... Christian love, if a person has consisted and does not waste, restless.

Passion, I repeat once again, is suffering. Any passion, ultimately, necessarily leads to suffering. Why? - Because any passion is illegal, unnatural, as the holy fathers, the state of the human soul. Passionate state is the perversion of own nature. And sin is an active manifestation of a particular passion. Every our sin is even stronger and stronger to wander your soul, climbing it. Many sins lead to the destruction of the body. How is our nature arranged? - in the image of God. And this beautiful holistic human nature, created by God, suddenly destroys us ruthlessly and unlikely. It is destroyed by passions: rooted in us with a lucavism, a lie, pretense, deception, hypocrisy, etc.

The love that Christianity says is, in contrast to ordinary human love, not a fleeting feeling and experience, but an unchanged state. Christian love, if a person has tied and does not waste, restless. But this condition is given by God only as passions eradicate, because they cannot simultaneously be light and darkness in the same time - the divine gift and a conscious violation of the Divine Law. The Great Holy VII century Rev. Isaac Syrin also says: it is impossible to purchase a true divine love, without eradicating passion.

Divine love Maybe multiplied in man as the soul is cleansing, but it can, on the contrary, to disappear and, in the end, leave a person if he suddenly comes down the path of virtue and returns to the path of passion. This is one of the most important laws of human life. A person is open to the prospect of achieving the greatest good - the compassion of true love. After all, even in the field of ordinary human relations, there is nothing more and more beautiful love! This is the more true when it comes to the very depths of the human person: the greatest good love here is becoming the acquisition of god-like love, which is usually becoming gradually, as they succeed in the fight with their passions. This can be compared with how the patient crippled man begins to be treated. As one wound heals, it becomes better for him better, everything is easier, it becomes more and more healthy. If a bodily recovery is a great benefit for a person, what then talk about the healing of his immortal soul.

What is "love"? Love - 💖 is a chemical reaction, a mental impulse, the desire to be "as behind a stone wall", and maybe a habit or affection?

In psychology there is no single definition of love. After all, each person can interpret the definition of this feeling in its own way - this is a certain installation that sets the behavioral model of the partner's relationship to the world or the object of love.

Love is the stupidity committed together.
Napoleon I Bonaparte

Love: Definition from the point of view of psychology

There are three completely controversial interpretations of the concept of "love":
  1. Love is a state of love - Disorders, akin to the neurosis, when attention weakens, vigilance is lost, the person becomes "detached from this world."
  2. Love is an internal drugWhen the brain allocates pleasure hormones, dopamine, a feeling of happiness and serenity.
  3. Love is a painless habit, the need of a person feel beloved, give these wonderful emotions to others, be happy and satisfied.

Psychologists argue that real love is similar to the love of the child, the figure of a clean soul, self-dedication to the end, care and renunciation, it is impossible to understand your head, only felt by the heart.

Love is an objective concept, for one to love - give gifts for another - sympathize and empathize, and for the third - give life without delay. Take and explain in words this feeling is sometimes very difficult.

What stages of love exist?

In total, there are 7 stages that love passes, they may not arise from everyone, but have a place to be:
  1. Love - a short period when the beloved are immersed in the state of Euphoria, just notice all the good, do not see each other's negative sides, but everything quickly ends when people begin to live together or plan a wedding, faced with household turmoils;
  2. Satiation - Lovers begin to "evaluate their love" differently, the joint existence begins, which can lead to parting or cohesion;
  3. Disgust - This test for lovers, they become egoists, reciprocate disappears, without this stage it is impossible to step over to another world, the true awareness of love;
  4. Humility - Lovers begin to adequately look at each other, take their half as a separate personality, with all the vices and disadvantages, begins the period of self-improvement, improvement and mutual understanding;
  5. Service - read completely dive into the world of bliss, the personification of wisdom and piousness, support each other in any endeavors;
  6. friendship - adopting each other as a loved one, lovers pay more time to their half, learn themselves to re-establish new fullness of the relationship;
  7. Love - Partners have passed a long way, learned to appreciate and love truly, now they perceive each other as a whole, without mercantile installations and cunning tricks!

Want to make a commemorative gift to your beloved husband / guy? Give him a book "" - he will be delighted with such a gift, believe me!


It is especially important to realize the fact that love does not ask anything - this feeling gives heat, spiritual harmony and pleasure. If there is a blind love dependence, then it needs to get rid of it, no matter how difficult it would be difficult!

Such feelings make a partner be all the time with the chosen one, jealous, forgive even in the most difficult cases that ultimately lead to the destruction of the person and even fatal death.

What do they say about the definition of the word "love" famous psychologists?

Sternberg: results combination of love components

Sternberg believed that this feeling could carry an objective load in three semantic components: an attraction, passion and responsibility in front of them and the second half.

The ideal love is the one in which all these components merge together, feelings become strong and igniting!

What does it speak about the definition of love E. Fromm?

He considers a short-sighted feeling that appears at the moments of great joy, the motivation of feelings may be fear of loneliness, in rare manifestations - sadism.

Love by E. Fromma is similar to a commercial deal, love is to take and give a full, reveal, dedicate your secrets and put into your innermost world of love and experiences. To be strong, not to let the feelings on a sidel, control the process, no matter how paradoxically sounded it.

A brave and durable feelings come to the place of the first rapid surges of emotions, which help to keep the raft of love afloat, and not allow him to break up the cliffs of enmity, hatred, permanent quarrels and scandals.

A.V. Petrovsky argues differently

He describes love like external manifestations of feelings available to observe each. The way that the appearance of an appearance is changing in the appearance of a sense of attachment to another, rejects from its former life and begins to make insane actions. Love is due to intimate attractions, it implies sincerity and openness in front of each other.

If there is a place to be a lie, then this is not love, and the shameless operation of someone else's trust, fraudulent actions, sometimes thoughts. Feelings should be replaced by actions, but at the same time indicate the same thing. If I love, it means that it is manifested in all respects.

Video: Psychologists of modernity about what "love" is


Psychologist Natalia Thick

Love like a chemical reaction

Lovers like to be together, the development of different hormones is launched, which lead to insane acts, euphoria, insomnia, loss of appetite, changing reality around.

Love drives crazyThe brain begins to produce in excess dopamine, the state of satisfaction appears. A person comes thoughtless actions, sometimes it is not able to assess the adequate result.

These "aggressive" hormones do not live for a long time, the phase of madness is rapidly ends, and love goes into another metamorphosis - affection, understanding, trust, cohesion, and so on.

The desire to fall in love - this is not yet love. But fear fell in love - this is already love.
Etienne Rei.


Hormone of love - oxytocin, plays a key role in the psychology of behavior of lovers, as they say, if you feel good, then I feel great! Love is a complete return of yourself instead of the truth of the feelings of another.

Such a chemical element helps to build relationships, connects the binds of love love, friends, helps curb the true feeling inside. Such a change in the psychology of behavior changes life for the better, causes a sense of confidence in others. Such a method can treat the state of neurosis in patients.

What is the first love?

Are these bright memories or lesson for life? Many argue that first love is doomed to failure. Parents do not betray to such hobbies of their children, adults often sigh with the memories of the first love, sometimes considering it the most true and sinless.


The first relationship between a man and a woman can be both negative and positive! The most important thing is to endure the right lesson with this situation, do not focus on the bad, go ahead and build new lucky relationships, without turning around.

Psychologists say this:

  1. The first love is the first personality relationship of female and male, which is based on contact actions from each other, the first emotions are actively manifested - a sense of love, hatred, anger, jealousy, resentment;
  2. the in love remains himself with his experiences, trying to take an adequate decision, what to do next, sometimes the first experiences are so strong that they do not allow in love to step over this period of life and go further to new relationships;
  3. in the first love there are only feelings, all definitions of statuses go to the background (material benefits, machine, real estate and other);
  4. lovers cannot accept the circumstances of Cell, sometimes do not cope with the wave of surgery experiences;
  5. the meaning of the first love is to learn how to manage emotions, contact with the opposite sex, create your behavior system to ensure the successful completion of the following relationships.

We always believe that our first love is the last, and our last love is the first.
George John White Melville


First love is able to form persistent ideas about the feeling of love in the future. It is very important to make a positive emotional experience from this situation, and not spoil your personal life with painful memories.

The illusion often arises that if you return the first love, the youth will return with it, but you need to live real, and not the past, because only here you can change something in your life, to become truly happy and successful.

What myths about love "erase" knowledge of psychology

Love at first glance - is it true?

Love from the second, third ... look can be bright, saturated, inspired and the only one. Psychologists often consider such situations when a person believes that this is his real half, and then meets the other, and the world turns over again.

The object of love is one for all years and all the centuries!

The first love seems the only one, but comes the second, and feelings are ignited again ... In the world, 25% of suicides occurs due to the fact that many rivals compete for the favor of "one love". So for whom is it the only one in fact?

In a truly loving heart or jealousy, love kills, or love kills jealousy.
Fedor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky


Each person has a second half, most importantly, see it in the crowd of numerous passersby and do not miss, in order not to disrupt the contract on eternal and happy love.

It is impossible to live in a world where love is missing when the second half is completely indifferent to you, because the time will come when this love appears, and one of the partners will remain "overboard", in the sea tears and sad illusions.


Options to meet the second half no less than a million may have to change the place of residence, a circle of communication, work, study, but the choice will be made, and the probability of successful is quite high.

Is there eternal love?

Psychologists do not make high-profile statements on this matter, and the thought of the beloved can live a long period, but the foundations of family life are able to change these ideas. The higher the need for love, the sharper this problem is set.

Most often, love is interpreted as respect, trust, understanding of each other, often a person falls in love several times, because he was not lucky to find his ideal. In fact, not everything is so simple, you need to go ahead, do not stop on imaginary fantasies and erroneous ideals.

It's hard to reason under the action of a hormone of love, but to conclude and live on you just owe!

Is it possible to get married without love?

There is always love in creating a marriage, but it is worth noting that the passions of passions also cannot guarantee strong relationships and a successful union. So where to look for a gold half? How to become happy without love?

Yes, marriage without feelings is sadBut on the other hand, as the French Bellarder Begbeder noted, that love lives three years, and after confidence contact, the relationship that will keep a pair together, or lead to parting.

Problems on the field of love may arise due to the fact that everyone in its own way treats this feeling. In psychology, there is no one rightful decision, how to identify love, there is a lot of its varieties.

Perhaps today you will love the second half as a brother / sister, a friend, and tomorrow will come that igniting feeling that will allow creating a strong and happy family for many years. Love will die as a divine feeling, a bright transformation of life that is crazy.


Love is joy, understanding each other without words, mutual satisfactionIn this case, we can talk about strong further bings of the family, and the birth of children will become the magical cohesion of this marriage.

"Missedy" love

If relations between people arise against the background of the inner emptiness, or the replacement of one partner to others, they can be called dependent, and most often doomed to the sad existence.

This is a serious psychological problem, not everyone can withstand such responsibility, there is no free choice in such relationships, most often such personalities remain lonely and unhappy for life.

Do not be afraid smart. When love comes - brains are disconnected.
Elena Lykova


"Feelings are the elements of anyone not subject to action!"
In such a field, treason may occur, distrust, suffering, meanness and the destruction of such a wonderful feeling as love.

You need to learn to love and be happy without any conditions like a mother loves a child, she immersed in this condition with his head and does not put any criteria for choosing.


If the emptiness is in the soul, then you need to understand yourself, why it happened, and not fill it with someone on the basis of rapid actions. While a person does not love himself, will take with all the shortcomings and contradictions, it is unlikely that someone will do it for him.

And love is still there!

It is a limitless and inspiring feeling helps to fight many difficulties, solve serious tasks, create comfort and comfort of a family nest, give birth to children, take care of others and so on.

Love is not chosen, she comes once and forever! And so consider not only psychologists. What do you think about such a feeling like love?

Useful advice

Love is a word that at least once rushed into every person's head. It either causes joy or scares or motivates.

The existence of love and its meaning is discussed over the centuries. So what is love?

This question was trying to find the answer poets and scientists. And you can say for sure that the answer to this question is - love is ... In fact, it all depends on which side to approach this issue.


Different definitions of love

From the point of view of romance: love is perfection


What is love for you? Do you think that love is worthless without disagreement? Do you think partners should always understand each other? If you can explain love in this way, then you are a real romantic.

You may rise, but still it is worth noting that love at first glance does not exist. In fact, to find love you need to work hard. According to Sally Connolly (Sally Connolly), a psychotherapist with a 30-year experience, if you insist on the idea of \u200b\u200bperfect love, it only hurts relations.

From the point of view of the scientist: the essence of love is the sense of smell



If you like to analyze, then maybe love is associated with biology. There are even scientific evidence of the existence of love. Scientists from Berne University in Switzerland conducted a study based on the relationship between our sense of smell and an intention to another person. They found that The main complex of histocompatibility (GKG) in human DNA (genome area, which plays a large role in the immune system and development of immunity) causes love for another person.

From the point of view of a realist: love like the ocean



For realist, love is comparable to the ocean with its constant waves, tides and lowers. Such an explanation of love is the most correct. It is difficult to give an accurate definition of love. To love and hold love, work is needed, but as a reward you get healthier, full and long-term relationships.

What is not love

Despite the fact that the definition of love depends on which side you look at it, there are several specific things that exactly need to be confused with love.

Love and love

Love is a feeling that arises at the very beginning of the relationship. That love that does not allow us to fall asleep at night, distracts us during the day and constantly burst out us, not really love, but love, which is very easy to confuse with love. Many of us fall into this trap. You ask yourself "What is love?" And then you are convincing yourself that the feeling that you experience at the beginning of relationships and there is love. If you think so, your relationship will not last long, but the real love lasts long.

Passion and love


Many also confuse these two concepts. What is the difference? If you pay more attention to the appearance of the partner, if you often think about "sleeping communication", then it is rather a passion than love. This is another drone, which is easy to get, as we always hope for the best and convince ourselves to the existence of what is not really.

Ignore explicit gaps in the relationship is quite easy, as it is very difficult to part with a person who is not indifferent to you. If you confuse the concepts of passion and love, then you get stuck in fantasies, instead of falling on the ground and find real love.

Friendship and love


These feelings can be very similar, and it can confuse you. All because we can fall in love with a friend and girlfriend, or feel that your romantic partner is your friend. We spend a lot of time with friends, so it's hard to imagine life without them.

A similar feeling arises in relation to our second halves and borders, sometimes become blurred.

If you are confused in relationships with anyone, try to pay attention to the chemistry and intensity of your feelings. In general, the stronger the feelings for another person, the more likely it is that this is love, and not friendship.

Emotional dependence and love


Sometimes it seems to us that we are in love, however, in fact, it is an emotional dependence. How to understand it? There are a few questions that are worth setting.

Are you striving to idealize your partner? Are you very afraid of losing him or her? For you, the relationship is more important than the partner itself? If you answered "yes" on all these questions, then you are in emotionally dependent terms, and this is not love. But it is not worth a routine for it. To become emotionally addicted is quite simple, as the fear of losing a partner, as well as the desire to idealize it is quite normal things.


Such feelings may experience people who are in a romantic relationship, but sometimes we can go too far. Remember, you belong to yourself as well as your partner. Love allows us to remain ourselves.