Overwhelming parental control. Overprotection of parents: what is the danger? Self-affirmation at the expense of the child

Control over children: a look inside and out

Our life is changing: the rhythm is accelerating, the information load is increasing. And, despite the emergence of a mass of electronic mechanisms designed to simplify daily work at the enterprise, in the office and at home, modern man needs more and more time to control all areas of his life.

As if the media has made it their goal to intimidate us, regularly showing accidents, crimes and accidents, the world around us begins to seem like a hostile space where, like in a cartoon about a kitten named Woof, "only trouble awaits us."

Letting the most precious thing - a child - into such a world becomes scary, and in order to muffle this fear, parents want to completely control the life of the child: his location, movement, social circle, study, interests, health and experiences ...

Business under control

The demand for control devices generates a lot of proposals. A wide variety of devices and entire systems are available to a modern parent, such as a system of electronic cards for schoolchildren or an electronic diary. Monitoring a child at school is a very popular service, because a student spends almost half of his day in an educational institution where parents cannot see him. And now - there are terminals at the entrance to the school, and cameras in the classrooms, and even a parent, who is in the office all day, can easily control the child on the Internet: find out when he entered the school, or even look at the lesson in the real time.

Everything that makes a profit is intensively developed. And in order to stir up the interest of parents in their services, manufacturers of controlling devices in their advertising intimidate them, describing all the possible dangers that a child will be exposed to, as soon as they are released into the street alone. On the one hand, this is not bad: forewarned means forearmed. However, on the other hand, such information increases the level of anxiety of an adult, which he transfers to a child, and increased anxiety never leads to good.

Unbearable burden

When today's parents were still children themselves, their parents did not have much opportunity to control the behavior and academic performance of their children, and even more so, their movements during the day. Parent meetings every 3 months brought a lot of surprises. And the fact that the child spent time in some garages or at an abandoned construction site, parents most often did not even know.

Today, you can equip your student with a mobile phone, a GPS beacon, an electronic school card and control his every step. “I’m so calmer” - you can often hear from parents, - “I don’t feel sorry for money for peace of mind.”

Although - is it really calmer? After all, if you think about it, any responsibility for his life is removed from the child himself. He knows perfectly well that everything he does is controlled by his parents. And responsibility is such a thing that, if it is removed from one person, then it falls on the shoulders of another, in this case, the parent. It would seem that the parent consciously goes for it, but does he weigh his capabilities? Or is the fear of unknown dangers clouding your eyes?

Adult family members, and most often one of them, are responsible for her well-being, psychological climate, good relations and comfort at home, work and career achievements, the health of the child, and to all this, responsibility for children's behavior, education, and others is added. spheres of life, which the student himself is quite capable of controlling. What if the child is not alone? What is it like to live under the constant yoke of such responsibility? To know that if you get distracted, lose your guard, and your children will immediately pick up twos, get lost on the way from home to school, be rude to the teacher and go into a dark alley with a sinister-looking stranger? All that a parent will get as a result is children unable to be responsible for their actions and decisions, plus a persistent sense of guilt.

Parental control of a child: borders and borders

Supervising children is one of the duties of parents. However, control is different. And where is the line between mere concern for safety and complete suppression of the individual?

From the very birth of the baby, we, the parents, bear full responsibility for him. After all, a baby is not even able to control his own arms and legs, not to mention the cleanliness of diapers and diapers. We monitor the health of the child, periodically arranging medical examinations for him. Parenting involves controlling the behavior of the child and directing him in the right direction. But the child does not remain a baby forever, he grows, and his sphere of responsibility also grows. And now, a preschooler can already dispose of his toys himself, give them to friends, etc. The student controls his own schedule and independently goes to school and returns from it. A teenager chooses a future profession and prepares to enter a university ... This is the natural course of things, but the parental soul cannot always come to terms with it.

More than once or twice in the process of growing up a child, adults have a desire to control it. And often against his will. Worried parents are interested in how to find out where the child is on the phone, whether there are devices that allow round-the-clock monitoring of their son or daughter, unnoticed by them. After all, the desire to know where they are, what is happening around them, and what is going on in their heads is so great. And manufacturers of tracking devices happily provide a variety of spy stuff for purchase, but the thought catcher has not yet been invented.

Control or trust?

Control over the safety of the child should not be carried out by electronic devices, but by the constant repetition of the rules of conduct. The child must clearly know what can be done, and what - in any case it is impossible. Then the parents will be sure that he will calmly reach the house from school and will not go into the elevator with a stranger. Give the child the part of the responsibility that he is ready to take on.

There are things that are difficult to control even for a teenager, because they are so exciting that the mind cannot cope with desire. For example, computer games. Some are so engrossed in virtual adventures that they forget where is real life and where is the game. The same can be said about other types of addiction. Control of the time spent by the child at the computer must be carried out by parents, in any case, until the child can cope with it himself.

How do you know if it's working or not? Try! Give him the opportunity to plan his own time, including time for games and the Internet. If at the same time studies, relationships and sleep do not suffer, then the child perfectly copes with the control of his own desires.

If the child is out of control...

A child out of control is a nightmare for most parents. And for many - a reality no less terrible. What to do if a hitherto obedient child breaks loose, and parents stop coping with him? If not a single management tool, neither stick nor carrot, is already ineffective? The child begins to do only what he wants, when he wants, and no one consults. Or he consults, but obviously not with those with whom he should.

This is a natural stage of growing up, inherent in adolescence. By the way, this age itself is now younger, and if earlier parents first encountered the desire of a child to leave custody when he was 15 years old, now such a problem may arise with a ten-year-old schoolboy.

When the baby was 3 years old, he first began to push away his mother and strive to dress himself, fasten buttons or choose a toy for himself. "I myself!" - the motto of this age and the crisis of three years. Now the same thing is happening, only on a new scale: “I myself will be responsible for myself!” the teenager says. Or, more often, he says: "Get off me, this is my life!"

This stage must be experienced, while maintaining the points of contact with your child. Adolescence does not last forever and after some time the child realizes that his parents are friends, companions, and not leaders and controllers.

All children are future adults. And whether an adult will be responsible and decisive, or will remain an eternal child, looking back at those who seem to him an authority, and at the same time blaming the whole world for his own problems, depends on how he lives the stage of formation, or rather, how he is allowed to live it.

Letting go is hard, but necessary. Otherwise, in addition to your own life, you can also live the life of a child, leaving him the role of an outside observer.

Mothers and fathers protect their children from birth. They care and worry about their babies while they are small and helpless. As they grow older, they become more independent. But not all parents are aware of this fact and continue to control the child. And often such overprotection leads to conflict situations.

Sometimes parents cannot explain to themselves why they are so afraid to give their child a little independence. But most often the causes of pathological guardianship lie in the following factors.

• Misunderstanding of what grows up. It seems to moms and dads that their baby is still small and cannot solve emerging issues. Even in everyday life, you can often see a situation where a mother rushes to make a sandwich for a 10-year-old child, instead of teaching him how to make it on his own. And they explain this by the fact that the child can cut himself. Also, he is not given the opportunity to resolve other emerging issues.
• Fear for the child. This is the natural state of the parents. Almost all mothers and fathers are afraid for their children. But someone still slowly releases his baby, allowing him to be independent. And someone makes you refuse about every step and decision.
• Uncertainty in your child. Such parents are confident in the lack of independence of their children and constantly remind them of this. Constantly solving all issues, they finally suppress the independence of their children.
• There are families where tough upbringing and control over the younger members of the family pass from generation to generation. It can be difficult not only for a child, but also for adults to escape from such hyper-custody.
• Unrealized dreams. It's no secret that sometimes parents try to make their dreams come true through their children. And they impose their vision of the world, hobbies, ideas on them. If these views do not coincide with children's, then control over the life of the child begins. And his main goal is to make the little man live the life that his parents chose for him.

There can actually be many reasons for parental controls. But they all have one thing in common - the desire for the child to remain under the influence of adults as long as possible and not commit "rash acts."

What is the danger of constant control over children

All parents, without exception, want the best for their child. For the sake of this, some are ready to control every step of their baby, without thinking about the consequences. In a fit of blind love, they are absolutely sure that they are always right, only they know how their child should behave, what they should think and say, how they should act in this or that situation.

Often such love is manifested in the fact that parents take the child by the hand to school until high school, then go to college with him. It happens that the mother is actively involved in resolving the conflicts of her "baby" with classmates. This leads to new quarrels and humiliations of the child.

Based on the best intentions, the mother, controlling every step of the child, forms in him the habit of never thinking independently, not making decisions, not taking responsibility.

At home, such a child has no duties, he does his homework with his mother. Mom decides which circle he should go to, a sports school or an art school. Mom also chooses and buys clothes.

The person eventually grows obedient. He used to ask his mother's permission for any reason, to consult. Mom shapes his tastes in clothes, regulates who you can be friends with, how to behave with teachers.

Sometimes on the street or in kindergarten you can hear the words: "Don't be friends with Masha, she will teach you bad things." What is bad? Maybe this is the most interesting thing in all your childhood, what will happen to you? Often, interest and passion for knowledge encourage children to do a wide variety of pranks.

It is more effective to tell the child what is good, what can be done, what cannot be done. It is useful to teach a child to analyze the actions and behavior of other children. It is important to say who did what badly. Then the child himself will decide with whom to be friends, and whom to bypass.

A teenager who is regularly supervised is unable to even think for himself, to decide what he wants. He is easy to manipulate at any age, because he is obedient. Those around you always feel great, starting with kids in kindergarten, ending with colleagues at work.

It is much more useful when the child is not blindly obedient, but listens to the opinion of the parents. In this case, he makes the decision himself, but takes into account the advice of his parents.

How to spend free time, which summer camp to go to, how to celebrate a birthday - all this a grown child is able to decide for himself. Or at least express your preferences. If mom and dad enjoy authority with him, then he can ask them for advice or help.

If the opinion of the child in the family is listened to, he grows up as a self-confident, independent person. And in the future it will be easier for him to defend his views.

Total control without listening to the opinion of the child is also dangerous by the emergence of controversial situations in the family. And as children grow older, conflicts will only intensify. Teenagers can begin to lie, get out. Do everything to get out of control. Such situations will also not contribute to maintaining a friendly atmosphere in the family.

When the baby grows up

Yes, it is possible and necessary to control the child, but in moderation. For example, under the age of 3 years. When the baby is still learning to do something, when he is very small and helpless, he does not represent all the dangers. When he runs on the street under a car or under a swing, when at home he climbs onto a stool and grabs a knife from the table.

But as you grow older, you need to gradually give the child the necessary freedom of action. Gradually shift the responsibility for yourself to him. So that he learns to dress himself, heat his own food, then cook breakfast, tidy up his room on his own, without reminders. When he will go for a walk alone, so that he returns home on time.

Later, you need to control how the child learns, be interested in who he is friends with, where he likes to walk, what he watches on the Internet. But it is important to do this in a recommendatory form, without strict prohibitions, so that the teenager does not hide anything from his parents, but listens to their advice.

The role of a mother is to prepare the baby for adulthood. Giving the child the opportunity to solve small domestic issues, parents contribute to the psychological maturation of children. Every child learns the skills of adult life as much as the mother gives him such freedom. When a teenager is responsible for his actions and knows the consequences, then control becomes unnecessary.

Take the test

With this test, try to determine the level of sociability of your child.

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1. Parental care

parent care acts as the leading form of education of the child. The level of care, or patronage, determines how much effort and time parents devote to raising a child. Two extreme degrees of protection can be distinguished: excessive (hyperprotection) and insufficient (hypoprotection) (Eidemiller, Yustiskis, 1999).

At hyperprotection, or overprotection, parents devote a lot of time and effort to the child. In fact, education becomes the meaning of their whole life for them. Hyper-custody is expressed in the desire of parents to surround the child with increased attention, to protect him in everything, even if there is no real need for this, to accompany his every step, to protect him from imaginary dangers, to worry about and without reason, to keep the child near him, to "tie" him to his moods and feelings, to demand certain actions from him (Zakharov, 1988). As a rule, care is needed not so much for children as for the parents themselves, filling their unfulfilled and often neurotically acute need for affection and love. The desire of the mother to "attach" the child to herself is based on a pronounced feeling of anxiety or anxiety. Overprotection can be motivated both by anxiety caused by the loneliness of parents, and by instinctive fears that misfortune may happen to the child. This can be expressed in such phrases: "Just don't linger, otherwise I'll worry", "Don't go anywhere without me" (Zakharov, 1988).

At hypoprotection the child is on the periphery of the parents' attention, "hands do not reach" him, parents take up upbringing from time to time when something serious happens (Eidemiller, Yustitskis, 1999).

An important aspect of raising a child is the degree to which his needs are met. This characteristic differs from the level of patronage, since a parent can spend a lot of time educating, but not satisfy the needs of the child in due measure. In terms of meeting the needs of the child, two extreme options are also possible (Eidemiller, Justickis, 1999):

indulgence occurs when parents strive for the maximum and uncritical satisfaction of any needs of the child. They pamper him, any of his desires is the law for parents. Explaining the need for such education, parents offer arguments that are in essence a manifestation of the mechanism of rationalization: the weakness of the child, his exclusivity, the desire to give him what they themselves were deprived of.

Ignoring needs of the child - this style of education is characterized by insufficient desire of the parent to meet the needs of the child. Most often, the child's need for emotional contact with parents suffers.

2. The concept of parental control

In infancy and early childhood, all the needs of the child are met by an adult, and almost nothing is required of him. However, as his motor skills and the ability to control his behavior develop, his parents begin to limit and direct his activity. Undoubtedly, for many reasons it is impossible to give the child unlimited freedom. Certain restrictions and guidance are needed to keep it safe. For example, a child cannot play ball on the street or play with fire or sharp objects. As the needs of the child become more complex, they inevitably come into conflict with the desires of others. The child can no longer freely express his needs, but must learn to correlate them with the requirements of the world around him.

The internalization of the means and skills of control used by parents is an important mechanism for the formation of the child's character traits responsible for self-control and social competence (Stolin, 1983). The internalization of parental standards depends, on the one hand, on feelings of fear, and on the other, on feelings of guilt (Whiting, 1954). When internalization is at a low level, control is exercised by fear of external punishment; when internalization is developed, behavior is controlled by guilt (Whiting, 1954).

Effective control involves a combination of emotional acceptance with a high volume of requirements, their clarity, consistency and consistency (Stolin, 1983). Parental control can be represented in a two-pole system: autonomy - control. Within the disciplinary axis, any particular parental behavior falls between two extremes: from granting complete autonomy to absolute submission to the will of the parents.

Maccoby included the following components in parental control (Quoted in: Arkhireeva, 1990):

1. Restrictiveness - setting the boundaries of children's activity.

2. Demanding - the expectation of a high level of responsibility in children.

3. Strictness - forcing children to do something.

4. Obsession - influence on the plans and relationships of children.

5. Arbitrary manifestation of power.

It is assumed that the severity of these parameters can be used to judge the degree of authoritarian parental control.

Radke (Radke, 1969) identifies the following principles and forms of manifestation of parental authority and discipline of the child.

1. Philosophy of Authority, which is represented by two poles: autocratic and democratic style. In the autocratic style, the parent determines the entire educational policy, demands a lot from the child, but does not explain his requirements to him. In a democratic style, educational policy is discussed by parents with children, that is, the essence of parental requirements is explained to the child.

2. parental restrictions. They can be strict and tough when the child cannot break them. Restrictions can be light and mobile, when a child can break them without any consequences for himself.

3. Severity of punishments.

4. Parent-child contact. With good contact, parents pay attention to children's problems, share the interests of the child. He trusts his parents, and his relationship with them is full of positive emotions. With poor contact, parents do not pay attention to the problems of the child and do not share his interests. The child experiences a lack of trust in relation to parents, there is also a lack of positive emotional relationships.

Baumrind (1971) calls the combination of parental control and unconditional support for the child's desire to be self-reliant and independent the model of authoritative parental control. Parents treat their children tenderly, with warmth and understanding, benevolently, communicate with them a lot, but control the children, require conscious behavior. The model of behavior of parents who rely more on severity and punishment has been called domineering. Parents tightly control children, often use their power, do not encourage children to express their own opinions. The model of behavior of parents who do not encourage children, do not pay attention to raising the child's independence and self-confidence, has been called condescending. The model of harmonious behavior of parents is similar to the model of an authoritative parent in all respects, except for the control, which is rarely used here. The model of behavior of nonconformists is inherent in parents who do not recognize the traditional idea of ​​education. Their pedagogical tactics are based on the idea of ​​free development of children.

The behavior of children depends on a whole complex of educational influences. Both groups of parents - authoritative and powerful - try to control children, but they do this in different ways. Domineering parents rely solely on the use of force, demanding that the child obey them without reasoning. Authoritative ones, on the contrary, take into account the opinion of children, respond to their problems, allow children to show independence and initiative (Baumrind, 1971).

AI Zakharov (Zakharov, 1988) distinguishes three types of parental control: permissive, moderate and excessive. Excessive control can take the form of authoritarian. Let's take a closer look at these types of controls.

At permissive control, there is a lack of prohibitions and prescriptions, ranging from a small degree of connivance and up to the complete inability of parents to cope with the feelings of children. Here, full activity and independence of the child are allowed, there are no censures and punishments. Parents in everything go forward and often indulge inadequate, from the standpoint of common sense, the desires and requirements (whims) of children.

Lack of control has two forms: the form of hypoprotection and conniving hyperprotection (Eidemiller, Justickis, 1999). Hypoprotection is a lack of guardianship and control, sometimes leading to complete neglect. This form of control is often combined with rejection of the child and is an extremely unfavorable type of parental relationship for the child. The second form of attitude in which there is a lack of control and demands is conniving hyperprotection, or raising a child according to the type of "family idol", which is expressed in indulging all the desires of the child, excessive patronage and adoration (Eidemiller, Yustitskis, 1999, Garbuzov, 1983). With such a parental attitude, the child develops the following internal position: "I am needed and loved, and you exist for me." The child controls his behavior based on the following ideas (Homentauskas, 1985):

1. I am the center of the family, my parents exist for me.

2. My wishes and aspirations are the most important. I must carry them out at all costs.

3. People around me, even if they don't say it, admire me.

4. People who do not see my superiority are simply stupid. I don't want to do business with them.

5. If other people think and act differently than I do, they are wrong.

As a result of upbringing by the type of condoning hyperprotection in a child, an exorbitantly high level of claims is formed, on the one hand, and, on the other hand, an insufficiently effective volitional regulation of one's own behavior. Often such children face real problems in relationships with other people, as they expect the same adoration from them as from their parents.

moderate type control combines both the firmness of the parents, which does not develop into excessive adherence to principles and perseverance, and a certain situational compliance in relation to the desires and demands of children (Zakharov, 1988).

Over control manifested in the desire of the parent to follow every step of the child. Often it extends to the emotional and motor activity of children, to immediacy in expressing feelings, preparing lessons and "free" pastime, which in this case is significantly reduced (Zakharov, 1988). An excess of control is also observed in relation to food intake and the formation of self-care skills in the first years of a child's life. Often, control is in the nature of total, directly or indirectly implied prohibitions, when it is forbidden to do something or even express one's desires without permission. Especially many prohibitions are imposed in the event that children "do not suit" adults with their temperament or character. The abundance of control is characteristic of dominant hyperprotection, in which heightened attention and care are combined with an abundance of restrictions and prohibitions (Eidemiller, Justickis, 1999).

Excessive control often takes the form authoritarian. It can be designated as follows: "Do it because I said", "Don't do it..." According to A.I. judgments, commanding, commanding tone, the imposition of opinions and ready-made solutions, the desire for strict discipline and limitation of independence, the use of coercion, physical punishment. The features of authoritarian upbringing are manifested in distrust of children, their capabilities, as well as in dominance in relations with children. The credo of such parents is "I will not rest until I make him do everything I want" (Zakharov, 1988). Strict parents prescribe many prohibitions to children, keep them under close supervision, establish certain norms of behavior that children must follow. Strict parents may show contradictions in the system of requirements and prohibitions.

In the work of T. N. Zhugina (Zhugina, 1996), devoted to the perception of maternal behavior by children, it was shown that mothers most often use negative methods of control. The most common is coercion (36%), which is aimed at limiting the child's activity or forcibly switching the child from one type of activity to another. It is not uncommon for mothers to use physical force to overcome a child's resistance. Thus, when reproducing the behavior of mothers in stories from pictures, the children noted: the mother "drags away by force", takes the child away from the walk, ignoring his desire to play with friends. By tightly controlling the life of the child, limiting his spontaneous activity, the mother turns the child from the subject of interaction into the object of manipulation. Unquestioning obedience is required from the child, his feelings, thoughts, desires are ignored and depreciated, the child develops dependent behavior. Many children said: I don’t want to go home, but I will go, I want to play with the guys, but I won’t. Thus, an internal conflict is laid between the child's own desires and the need to follow the mother's requirements.

In the same study (Zhugina, 1996) it was shown that children who are under strict, authoritarian control evaluate their mothers as aggressive. This was manifested in the results of testing using the projective technique "Drawing of parents in the form of non-existent animals." So, children draw mothers in the form of saber-toothed tigers, crayfish, dinosaurs, give even peace-loving animals numerous signs of aggression (well-drawn teeth, needles, claws, claws, wool). In some drawings, there is a symbolic restriction of the aggression of the parents. For example, a child puts drawn animals in a cage.

The predominance of authoritarian models of upbringing in Russian culture is a consequence of reacting to totalitarian pressure in communication with the child (Kagan, 1992). Obedience is regarded as one of the main virtues of a child. The family feels responsibility for the development of the child, but accepts it partially: everything desirable is the result of our upbringing, everything undesirable is in spite of it, the result of the bad influence of the school, the street, and the media. This leads to total control of the entire life of the child, experienced by him as distrust, denial, humiliation and resulting in protest. The most convex and striking feature of totalitarian family upbringing is the opposition of adults to children, which causes a response opposition of children to adults (Kagan, 1992).

3. Parental requirements

The requirements of an adult relate, firstly, to the duties of the child, that is, what the child must do on his own (self-service, study, help around the house, etc.). Secondly, these are requirements-prohibitions that establish what the child should not do. E. G. Eidemiller and V. Justickis (Eidemiller, Justickis, 1999) described the following systems of requirements-duties of different polarities.

Excessive demands-duties- the requirements for the child are very high, do not correspond to his capabilities, which increases the risk of mental traumatization of the child. Excessive requirements-duties underlie the type of education that can be defined as "increased moral responsibility." The child is required to be uncompromising honesty, decency, following a sense of duty that do not correspond to his age and real capabilities, and they are made responsible for the life and well-being of loved ones (Lichko, 1985). Parents set the highest goals for the child in various areas of life, have high hopes for the future of their child, his abilities and talents. Parents love not so much the child himself, but his ideal image.

Insufficiency of requirements-duties. In this case, the child has a minimum number of responsibilities in the family, and parents often complain that it is difficult to involve the child in some kind of housework.

Requirements-prohibitions determine the degree of independence of the child, the ability to choose the way of behavior. There are also two extremes here: excessive and insufficient requirements-prohibitions. Excessive demands-prohibitions show that the child is "nothing", he is presented with a huge number of requirements that limit his freedom and independence . Insufficiency of requirements-prohibitions, on the contrary, it lies in the fact that "everything is possible" for a child. Even if there are any prohibitions, the child easily breaks them, knowing that no one will ask anything from him.

According to their form, the requirements for the child can be divided into two groups: imperative and optative. Mandatory requirements are presented in a categorical, binding form (order, order, instruction, threat, teaching). Optical Requirements express the desirability of the child to perform certain actions (advice, suggestion, request).

Excessive control and demands are noted in the so-called authoritarian hypersocialization. Parents demand unconditional obedience and discipline from the child. They try to impose their will on him and do not want to take the point of view of the child. For the manifestation of self-will, the child is punished. The parent closely monitors the achievements of the child in all spheres of life. With this style of upbringing, the personality of the child is formed according to an anxious type. This is mainly due to the fact that, in cultivating obedience, parents give it a self-sufficient meaning. To do something differently than the parents, and, in particular, the mother, means to be punished, to be bad, which, in turn, leads to deprivation of love, and since the need for love is one of the most important for a child, the failure to satisfy this need leads to frustration and neurosis.

4. The influence of parental control on the development of the child's personality

How do parental controls and requirements affect child development? Parental authoritarianism leads to a lack of empathy, the formation of a child's low self-esteem, his orientation to external requirements and standards. The lack of practice of independent search and decision-making leads to the formation of a child's dependence on an adult, to infantilization and disability of the child. Clinical practice shows that patients with the most severe psychosomatic disorders note an excessive tendency of their parents to disciplinary requirements, combined with a lack of love and harsh criticism (Lazarus, 1971). For example, patients with gastric ulcer often indicate that their parental family was distinguished by the desire to dominance and oppression.

Baldwin (See: Stolin, Sokolova, Varga, 1989) showed how democratic and controlling styles of parenting influence a child's personality. Democratic style is determined by the following parameters: a high level of verbal communication between parents and children, the involvement of children in the discussion of family problems, taking into account their opinions; the readiness of parents to come to the rescue, if necessary, faith in the success of the child's independent activity, limiting one's own subjectivity in the child's vision. controlling style involves the introduction of significant restrictions on the behavior of children, a clear and clear explanation to the child of the meaning of the restrictions, the absence of disagreements between parents and children about disciplinary measures.

It turned out that in families with a democratic style of upbringing, children had a moderately pronounced ability to lead, aggressiveness, and a desire to control other children, but they were difficult to external control. They were distinguished by good physical development, social activity, ease of making contacts with their peers, but they were not characterized by altruism, sensitivity and empathy. The children of parents with a controlling type of upbringing were obedient, suggestible, fearful, not too persistent in achieving their own goals, and non-aggressive. With a mixed style of upbringing, children were characterized by suggestibility, obedience, emotional sensitivity, non-aggression, lack of curiosity, originality of thinking, and poor imagination.

Baumrind (See: Stolin, Sokolova, Varga, 1989) in a series of studies tried to isolate the totality of childhood traits associated with the parental control factor. There were 3 groups of children:

Competent- with a consistently good mood, self-confident, with well-developed self-control of behavior, the ability to establish friendly relations with peers, the desire to explore, and not avoid new situations. Avoiders- with a predominance of a sad and sad mood, it is difficult to establish contacts with peers. immature- unsure of themselves, with poor self-control, with reactions of refusal in frustration situations.

1. Parental control. With a high score on this parameter, parents try to have a great influence on children, are able to insist on the fulfillment of their requirements, and are consistent in them. The controlling actions of parents are aimed at modifying the manifestations of dependence in children, aggressiveness to the development of children's play behavior, as well as more successful assimilation of parental standards and norms.

2. Parental requirements. Encourage the development of maturity in children; parents try to make their children develop their intellectual, emotional and communicative abilities, insist on the need and right of children to independence and self-sufficiency.

3. Ways of communicating with children in the course of educational influence. Parents with a high score on this indicator strive to achieve obedience with the help of persuasion, justify their point of view and at the same time are ready to discuss it with their children, listen to their arguments. Parents with a low score do not clearly and unambiguously express their demands and dissatisfaction or irritation, but more often resort to indirect methods of influence - complaints, shouting, swearing.

4. Emotional support. Parents are able to express sympathy, love and warm attitude, their actions and emotional attitude are aimed at the physical and spiritual development of children.

The complex of features of competent parents corresponds to the presence of four dimensions in parental relationships - control, demands for social maturity, communication and emotional support. At the same time, adequate control presupposes a combination of emotional acceptance with a high volume of requirements, their clarity, consistency and consistency in their presentation to the child.

Shoben (Shoben, 1949) found that children with problematic behavior have parents who maintain strict discipline and require obedience from children. Watson (1933) studied children who had loving but strict parents and compared them with another group of children whose parents loved their children and allowed them a lot. He showed that giving a child more freedom positively correlates with the initiative and independence of children, their friendliness towards people, better socialization and cooperation, a high level of spontaneity, originality and creativity. Research by Radke (Radke, 1969) showed that preschoolers from families with a restrictive, authoritarian parenting style are less lively, more passive and inconspicuous, less popular among their peers. In addition, an aggressive, coercive parenting style is associated with low social competence and peer rejection. Verbal and physical punishment of a child provokes aggressive behavior in children, which can lead to rejection by peers (Travillion, Snyder, 1993).

Children of authoritarian parents tend to adopt the authoritarian style of communication and reproduce it in their own families. In the future, such children tend to establish a large social distance with people, to form role-playing rather than interpersonal relationships (Hart, 1957).

5. Techniques for disciplining a child

The essence of parental discipline is to bring the behavior and personality of children in line with parental ideas and requirements.

There are three main techniques for disciplining a child:

a) emotional punishment;

b) technique based on the assertion of force;

c) explanatory technique.

Emotional Punishment- this is such a disciplinary form in which parents influence the feelings of the child. This is a refusal to talk with a child, ridicule, a deliberate deprivation of his parental love (“mother does not like this”), an expression of dislike, isolation of the child, stimulation of guilt. For example, a mother may say to a child: “You can’t take sand, you’re sick all the time, I’ll have to take sick leave again, you already tortured me”, “Don’t walk on the sand, I’m tired of doing laundry.” This is the most powerful way to influence a child, since emotional punishment can be long-term, moreover, a strong threat acts on the child in this case - the fear of losing the object of love.

Technique based on assertion of strength includes physical punishment, deprivation of pleasures and material resources, verbal threats against the child. In this case, the mechanism for controlling the child's behavior is the fear of punishment. Power-based discipline has been shown to retard a child's moral development (Cass, 1988). Such parenting practices may be associated with the following factors: high levels of parental stress or depression, the severity of such a personality trait as irritability, low educational level of parents, divorce, rearing a large number of children and poverty (Travillion and Snyder, 1993). By punishing the child, parents achieve short-term comfort, but cannot influence the overall dynamics of the child's development (Waters, 1988).

Clarifying technique is a relatively mild form of discipline that is characterized by parents trying to communicate with the child in the hope that he will understand why he should change his behavior. For example, you can explain to the child his behavior, appealing to his pride, to the desire to "be an adult", to explain the reasonableness of discipline.

The development of a child's conscience is positively correlated with how often mothers use praise and persuasion, and negatively with the use of physical punishment. Inconsistency in parental disciplinary requirements (when one parent, for example, punishes and the other encourages) gives the child leverage to manipulate, which makes parental disciplinary measures ineffective (Bandura and Walters, 2000).

Parents need to understand the child's behavior. Very often they simply react to his behavior, to what they see or hear, without making an attempt to understand why the child behaves in this way. The easiest and fastest answer is to yell at the child or punish him. In order to effectively respond to the child's unwanted behavior, you need to know: 1) at what stage of development the child is, is he able to control his behavior in the way that the parent requires him to; 2) what type of influence will be most effective for this child; 3) what actually happened that led to this behavior of the child. For example, a child may act aggressively towards other children because he is scared. An adult must prevent or stop such reactions, but at the same time, he must help the child cope with fear. The child must be shown that an adult understands his feelings, he must learn that people often get angry and angry when they are upset. Knowing this, the child will work through his feelings instead of acting aggressively towards other people.

Ellis, the founder of rational-emotive therapy, believed that discipline should be seen as a skill to be learned by the child, not as a limitation. In this case, parental influences will be aimed at the development of the child, and not at his restriction and condemnation. The adult should clearly communicate to the child that discipline is the way to make the child happier and more successful in achieving his goals. Discipline can best be understood as a means of developing self-control and self-discipline in the child; it is this long-term goal that an adult should have in mind. Then the adult's message is likely to be something like "You did something wrong and I want you to do it better in the future" rather than "You are worthless and deserve to be punished" (Waters, 1988). Physical punishment of a child gives rise to anger in him, a feeling of helplessness. If an adult uses punishment as a last resort of discipline, then he should do so without anger. If an adult punishes a child in a state of anger, then he, as it were, shows the child: "I, an adult, cannot control myself, but I demand self-control from you."

The choice of discipline technique should, of course, depend on the age of the child. It is useless to discipline a child of two years, using verbal means and explaining to him the reasons for his behavior. At this age, the feelings demonstrated by the parent have a huge influence on the child. The child still has little defense against anxiety, so he will feel helpless if the parent expresses anger. The use of physical punishment, that is, causing pain to a child, can stop unwanted behavior, but at the same time leads to the destruction of the relationship between the adult and the child. A two-year-old child has behavioral problems, as he is overly active in mastering reality and resists if his parents want to control him. These are all natural steps in the development of a child's autonomy, and parents need to be understanding and patient. The best way to discipline a child of this age is to have a minimum of restrictions and organize the child's environment in such a way that he has the opportunity to explore different objects. Parents also need to be able to say "no" firmly and calmly and keep away from the child those things that should not be touched.

A 5-6 year old child is more able to control his behavior. At this age, discipline may include explaining the causes and consequences of various behaviors.

In adolescence, parents are more than ever required to understand the behavior of the child, to see the reasons that encourage the teenager to behave in this way. The teenager fights for independence and does not tolerate when he is limited. On the other hand, he is afraid of independence, because independence means responsibility (Cass, 1988). A teenager is full of internal contradictions that parents must understand and accept.

The disciplinary actions of the parent can be interpreted differently by the child. For example, a parent separates two fighting children into different rooms. For one child, this may be a boon, as he wanted to be alone in order to finish the building. The other child is unhappy, because he intended to go outside to his friends.

It should be noted that almost none of the parents adheres to any one disciplinary technique, they change from situation to situation. However, each parent can identify the dominant type of impact on the child.

Literature:

• Arkhireeva T. V. Parental positions as conditions for the attitude of a child of primary school age: Abstract of the thesis. dis. for an apprenticeship degree cand. psychol. nauk.- M., 1990.- 19 p.
• Bandura A., Walters R. Teenage aggression. Studying the influence of upbringing and family relations. - M .: April Press, EKSMO-Press, 2000.
• Zhugina T. N. Perception of the style of maternal attitude by children 6-7 years old: Diploma work. - Orel, 1996.
• Zakharov A.I. Neurosis in children and adolescents.- L., 1988.
• Kagan V. E. Totalitarian Consciousness and the Child: Family Education // Questions of Psychology. 1992. No. 1-2. pp. 14-21.
• Stolin V.V. Self-consciousness of the individual. - M .: Nauka, 1983.
• Stolin V.V., Sokolova E.T., Varga A.Ya. Psychology of child development and relationships between parents and children as a theoretical basis for counseling practice // Family in psychological counseling: Experience and problems of psychological counseling / Ed. A.A. Bodaleva, V.V. Stolin. - M., 1989. S. 16-37.
• Eidemiller E. G., Justickis V. Psychology and psychotherapy of the family. - St. Petersburg, 1999.
• Baumrind D. Current patterns of parental authority // Developmental Psychology Monographs, 1971, 4 (No. 1, Pt.2).
• Cass L. Discipline from the psychoanalytic viewpoint // Dorr D., Zax M., Bonner J. W. III. The psychology of discipline. - New York: International Universities Press, Inc., 1988, p. 15-64.
• Hart I. Maternal child-rearing practices and authoritarian ideology // Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 1957, 55, p. 232-237.
• Lazarus A.A. Behavior therapy and beyond. - New York: McGraw-Hill, 1971.
• Radke M.J. The relation of parental authority to children "s behavior and attitudes. - New York: Greenwood Press, Publishers, 1969.
• Shoben E.J. The assessment of parental attitudes in relation to child adjustment // Genetic Psychology Monographs, 1949, 39, p. 101-148.
• Travillion K., Snyder J. The role of maternal discipline and involvement in peer rejection and neglect // Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 1993, 14, p. 37-57.
• waters v. The rational-emotive point of view of discipline // D.Dorr, M.Zax, Bonner, J. W. III. The psychology of discipline. - New York: International Universities Press, Inc., 1988, p. 65-98.
• Watson G. A critical note on two attitude studies. Mental Hygiene, 1933, 17, 63-64.

Perfectionists are not born - they are made at school and in the family, when you have no right to make a mistake, and the surrounding adults always know better what to do. Tal Ben-Shahar comes to such conclusions in his famous book. How are academic success related to alcohol, drugs, and depression? How can praise be dangerous for a child? We get acquainted with the conclusions of scientists.

Poor rich

Certain paradoxes that are observed in students from wealthy families give us an important lesson about education in general. Being financially secure, children often find themselves disadvantaged in terms of mental well-being. Statistically, more than other children, they are prone to drug or alcohol abuse and anxiety. Psychologist Sunia Lutar and her colleagues have explored the so-called poor rich phenomenon and identified two main factors that drive it: the need to succeed and feelings of isolation. A concomitant factor that Lutar indirectly discusses is the excessive involvement of parents and teachers in the lives of these children.

The children of wealthy parents are usually sent to private or top public schools that focus on academic achievement, advanced classes, and a list of top students. Subsequently, they enter prestigious educational institutions.

These children are under tangible oppression, which forces them to achieve academic success. Among them, it is customary to pay little attention to the pleasure of the learning process and learning from their own mistakes. Obviously, such a path is the shortest means to an end.

Who is more likely to receive a notice of admission to a prestigious university - a student who tried to act and failed, took risks and missed, wanting to understand what he was really interested in, or a student with an impeccable certificate? Other things being equal, most universities will prefer the latter over the former, celebrating measurable results over passionate pursuits.

Children are not the only ones under the undue pressure to succeed. Often, the parents themselves turn out to be products of the same kind, they spend most of their free time at work, and not necessarily because they want to.

Usually, such parents have little time and energy for their children, and as a result, they feel isolated and lonely. Children deprived of parental support are much less resistant to depression and anxiety, as well as to peer pressure. The consequences of insufficient parental involvement can be serious.

Criticism and praise are both bad

Yet the consequences of excessive parental involvement can be just as detrimental. When a girl is under supervision all the time, when her every step is criticized and she is bombarded with instructions, then the only true strategy in any business is the shortest, ideal path to the goal - this is the lesson that she receives in the end. No deviation from this path is allowed. Over time, a voice wakes up in her that comments on all her actions, and she obeys him even when her parents are not around.

Often parents and teachers try to speed up the development of children by giving clear directions and separating the good from the bad. After all, why shouldn't a more experienced parent help the child avoid unnecessary mistakes? The catch is that while good guidance is good for healthy child development, it can be too much of a good thing. It is just as important to allow children to sometimes go in search of territory unknown to them, sometimes finding themselves in a dead end. Perfectionist parents find it especially difficult to relinquish control over their child's every move. Such parental behavior hinders its development. As long as the child remains safe, he should be allowed to make his own imperfect decisions, experience the bitterness of failure, the joy of learning, and the pride of success.

Ironically, excessive parental praise and encouragement can be just as harmful to a child as excessive parental criticism. Some parents, following the advice of psychologists, support a positive attitude in the child whenever he does the right thing. While a positive attitude is undeniably important, children also need evaluation-free periods—times when they can do business or have fun and are not hindered by praise or criticism.

Luthar and her colleagues found that the main cause of alcohol or drug abuse, as well as frequent stress among socially successful adolescents, as a rule, was "pronounced parental criticism of both girls and boys, as well as a lack of out-of-school supervision." On the one hand, the participation of most parents in the lives of their children today is clearly insufficient. On the other hand, in the limited time that parents spend with their children, they become overly preoccupied with their daily absences and interfere beyond measure in the lives of their children, leading to "overt parental criticism".

Perfectionists since childhood?

A study conducted in a family with older children provided additional insight into the delicate balance, the golden mean between over- and under-interest. An older child is more likely to be considered gifted, and a disproportionate number of students at prestigious institutions are older children. At least in part, this is due to the fact that parents devote more time and attention to older children.

However, it is also more likely that, unlike their siblings, the older child will become a perfectionist. This is partly due to the fact that his parents spent more time with him and, accordingly, he had fewer "criticism-free" periods in his life. In turn, it should be noted that the need to provide children with room for maneuver does not justify parental inattention. To paraphrase Aristotle's doctrine of the golden mean, the point is to be interested at the right time, in the right degree, with the right intentions, and in the right way.

Of course, as any parent knows, this is easier said than done. A simple example of the implementation of the principle of the golden mean in educational practice can be found in Montessori schools. The purpose of the Montessori classroom is to instill "a sense of freedom in a structured environment". Lack of interest is a freedom that has no structure or boundaries; over-interest is a structure or boundaries in which there is no freedom.

It is hard not to be struck by the calm concentration of Montessori students who are deeply immersed in the performance of individual or group tasks. Although the little girl knows that the teacher will come to the rescue when she needs it, and he not only praises, but also makes comments when necessary, the actual involvement of the teacher in the process is reduced to an absolute minimum: as much participation as necessary, and as much freedom, as much as possible. Essentially, the teacher creates a safe environment that is age appropriate for the child. Then, in this environment, the child is given freedom of action.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, together with Kevin Ratunde, conducted a study in which he compared Montessori schools with traditional ones. One of the main differences was that students in traditional schools spend most of their time listening and writing down lessons, that is, they are engaged in highly structured activities. In contrast, Montessori students spend more time participating in independent projects, both individual and group. This type of activity involves a combination of freedom and organization. It is no coincidence that Montessori students have a more benevolent attitude towards their classmates, teachers and school. They participate more actively in school activities, are more energetic and show a high level of intrinsic motivation.

Now think about it: have you created a learning environment for other people, children or adults, where there are enough criticism-free periods and appropriate interest is expected? Was there such an environment in your life?

Discussion

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Control over the child: benefit or harm? How dangerous is praise and criticism. In this material, we will talk about one of the most significant problems in raising and caring for a child, which confronts parents in his very first days of life.

Raising a child, parents often get used to their methods of education, considering them the only correct ones. And this addiction can lead to inflection, to parental usurpation. And, as you know, in the upbringing of children, especially adolescents, it is important to find a "golden" mean, something in between dictatorship and parental apathy. It is in order to avoid dangerous moments in education that parents should always analyze their educational methods.

We can single out several of the most typical parental mistakes in education, or rather, in excessive control over children by parents.

Inconsistency in communication with children

The inconsistency in communication with children lies in the fact that parents often, as they say, rush from one extreme to another - total control is replaced by connivance. And endless threats and promises are not kept.

dominance

By dominance they mean unconditional submission, categorical judgments, the desire to subdue the child, the commanding tone, imposing one's opinion, the use of physical punishment, limiting independence, constant monitoring of the child, his actions and thoughts. As a rule, in families where parents have imperious characters, one can often hear all kinds of accusations against the child, reproaches, discontent ... In such families, quarrels and screams become commonplace, however, nothing changes - there is no order, as it was not. But family members (participant and conflict) quickly get tired and are constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

pressure on the child

There are cases when, due to their temperament, the child cannot fulfill the requirements of the parents. For example, a choleric mother will “pressure” her phlegmatic child, demanding that he hurry up, etc. Or, for example, parents consider their child stubborn, and he is just trying to defend his opinion, to maintain self-esteem.

hypersociality

Hypersociality means too correct upbringing. In such upbringing, as a rule, the most important thing is lack of warmth, affection, care. Parents are convinced that by openly demonstrating their love for the child, they will "spoil" him. And the child suffers, he lacks his mother's hugs and kisses. With such upbringing, parents impose a huge number of rules on the baby, following which the child will “justify” the expectations of the parents. In such a family you will not find any children's laughter, or fun, or cheerfulness. And the phrases “you must”, “you must” are found too often.

Dear parents, do not allow such extremes and then your baby will grow up as an independent and cheerful child. Isn't that what you want?