How to survive the emotional pain inflicted by your own son. How to deal with mental pain. How love affects the brain
Mental pain can be incomparably stronger than physical pain, and the fact that time heals is, in my opinion, a beautiful metaphor. Over time, the pain really dulls, but does not disappear completely. Time allows the pain to go to the depths and settle there, occasionally reminding of itself in similar situations, or provoked by smells, sounds, people, the situation from the traumatic moment.
The first thing to understand about pain is its necessity and importance at a given moment in time. Pain not only allows us to feel alive, feeling, but also indicates serious internal problems. At the moment of acute pain, you don’t need to think about it, you just need to understand that the pain has come to help us, and thank her for it. Then, when she lets go, you can return to the thought of the need to gain some important experience or solve some problem.
At the moment when it hurts, it hurts, you need to allow yourself this pain. Without fear, clamps, any “what if”, just allow yourself to feel it for as long as you need. An important point is that if, against the background of feeling pain, the brain works too actively, constantly urging and prodding it, it is important to calm it down. Recommendations - as I gave in previous articles. Our task is to live the pain completely, to allow it to come out and leave our space, and not to wind it up and plunge into the role of a victim. If tears come, let them come, with tears, part of the pain can also come out.
That is, the idea is that the pain does not go to the depth, does not overgrown with tissue there and then does not hurt when touched carelessly. From an energetic point of view, any hidden pain has an extremely negative impact on the life, fate and health of a person. Pain is a low vibration that generates and attracts new pain, resentment, condemnation, subconscious aggression. It is from the state of pain that we offend people, we show cruelty, coldness, indifference, and other traits. If a person is freed from all pain - acute and chronic, he will inevitably become bright, loving and merciful. Pain blocks these qualities, as well as the ability to discover and develop them in oneself. Therefore, it is so important to let go of the pain, no matter how unpleasant and scary it may be.
Technically it can be done like this. At the moment when you feel pain, relax (a series of long, calm, deep breaths in and out in a comfortable position), mentally lower yourself to the center of your chest, turn off your head, and mentally give yourself permission to feel. Let the pain manifest itself in its entirety, it is not as scary as it seems, if the pain is not accompanied by winding thoughts. The brain should not participate in the process, the area of feelings is not its diocese.
As you feel, you will notice that the state is changing, and quite rapidly. Everything is individual, and for someone it will be 10 minutes, for someone it will be two hours, but it is important to give yourself (and pain) this time to solve the problem once and for all. If you do not treat pain as an enemy that has come to torture you, then feeling it can become a kind of fascinating journey deep into yourself. Once you try to allow yourself to experience pain, you will be surprised at how it will happen and how it will end. At some point, you will feel that the pain is no more.
If you have reached the end, take a control test. Remember the traumatic situation that gave rise to pain, in all its details, remember the picture directly - how it looked, what you said, what they answered you, what it smelled like, what were the sounds, what did you feel at that moment. Having made such a request, concentrate on your feelings - what are they now? Maybe somewhere else it hurts or scratches something. Dive into it, let it also come out and leave your life.
This pain will no longer affect you, now is the time to figure out why she came, what she wanted to tell you about. What is your contribution to the current situation? It is important to be sincere with yourself, not to dissemble, not to run away from the obvious. Calmly, thoughtfully analyze the situation, forgive all offenders, yourself, life, the Universe, and then work with the quality or emotion that caused the situation. If it doesn't work on your own, write to me. , let's work together .
Ideally, any pain that is in our space should be released and eliminated. This is done through memories. Form the intention to release all the pain, and the memory will surely begin to rise to the surface one after another situation. Live each as described above. Remember, just letting go of the pain is not enough. Pain itself is only a symptom of the problem. The problem is always there behind pain. When you eliminate pain, look at what caused it. Take your time to analyze situations, ask yourself the right questions. Look at yourself in situations from a distance, without judgment or prejudice. Imagine that you are examining someone else's situation. Everywhere you need to find your contribution and see what qualities or subconscious beliefs caused your words or actions. A very important and necessary work - both for the emotional state and for physical health. It may take weeks or even months, but it's worth it. I hope this article will help you seriously advance on the path of joy and self-love).
With faith in your success,
Julia Solomonova
A person would rather choose to experience suffering at the level of the body than to cope with spiritual experiences. When mental suffering sets in, a person wants to naturally get rid of them. However, to understand how to do this, it is necessary to understand the very concept of mental pain.
What is mental pain?
The online magazine site defines mental pain as excruciating, intense, and insurmountable suffering that a person experiences at the emotional level. Some sages say that mental pain is much worse and more dangerous than physical pain. It causes such pains that are not comparable with pain during illness. It can also provoke the development of various diseases at the level of physiology.
Let's take a look at some of the most notable examples. For example, when a person goes through a breakup in a love relationship, they may lose their appetite. Isn't that indigestion! For example, when a person is afraid of something, he loses sleep.
Mental pain, which begins at the level, also affects the body, which can become ill or cease to function normally.
Moreover, mental pain is the result of a person's thoughts. There are no problems in nature. There are certain events that simply happen in the world that do not have a positive or negative color. And only a person sees problems in some of them. All this happens because he accepts some things and events, and some not. What a person calls a problem is actually a situation that is uncomfortable for him. He is uncomfortable, he does not want to get involved with something, which is why he calls a completely natural situation a problem.
This is not an imperfect person, but he himself or other people do not accept in him those qualities and features that are inherent in him. This is not a tragic event, but the person himself reacts to what is happening tragically, negatively, with tears.
All problems are in your head. Problems may not exist if you perceive everything that happens in a neutral or positive way. React to happy events with a smile, and to unpleasant events as tasks that need to be solved. Failures are given to you as lessons that you need to parse, understand and solve in order to still get the desired result. Some events should simply be accepted as a fact. And the rest of the cases are given in order to gain experience, knowledge and wisdom.
There are just situations that may be uncomfortable for you. However, this does not make them problems to be avoided. You just need to see the situation with a sober look, impartially, understand what result you still want to achieve compared to what you currently have, and start acting in that direction to change the situation.
All problems are in your head. You create a problem from some situation with your screams, swearing and ultimatums. You do not solve a situation, but make a problem out of it, which other people should solve for you. By blaming someone for what you don't like and feel uncomfortable, you shift the responsibility from yourself to the guilty ones. You wait for the situation to resolve itself or through the actions of other people. And when will you learn to solve your "problems" yourself?
Problems are created by man. In nature, things just happen that can be unpleasant. But this is an occasion for finding a solution, and not for quarrels and. However, a person rarely adheres to the considered recommendations. He keeps creating problems in his head that cause him mental and emotional pain.
Thus, mental pain is indignation, rejection, resentment and other negative experiences that a person experiences when he disagrees with something. And in the world there are many events that a person may not like. Is it possible now to respond to every event with mental suffering? Only a person chooses how he feels and reacts in a situation that he does not like.
At the same time, massive propaganda is going on. The common man has always been programmed by the leaders of society. At different times, people are programmed for one thing, then for another. If earlier it was an honor to join the army and fight, today people understand that they are being used as slave labor. Leaders quarrel with each other, but ordinary people fight, although it is not their fault.
At all times there was a programming for illness and misfortune. The common people cannot be happier, richer and healthier than their king/king/sovereign. That is why the majority lives in misery and poverty, because the king must excel his people. Unhappy people are easier to lead, manage, manipulate. Promise an unfortunate person to give a piece of happiness, and he will do everything you ask of him! This is the mechanism at work when individuals take advantage of the grief and misery of the majority.
First you need to make people sick and unhappy, then to control them! From childhood, every ordinary person is brought up. Sometimes even the parents themselves do not notice how they give their children false programs, which will then make them poor and unhappy. Any media sources are aimed at making a person mentally ill.
Day after day, from TV screens, you hear how wars are taking place, killings and people getting sick. From books, you read that you are sick with something or you can get sick if you do not take certain actions. Either you are advised to be sacrificial and helping, or you are programmed to desire to be free and independent. All this is programming.
“Abstinence from sex leads to frigidity/impotence”, “For a woman, the main thing is beauty”, “You need to have sex every day”, “A man is a breadwinner, and a woman is a keeper of the hearth”, etc. All these are destructive programs. People begin to love each other with a neurotic love. Men become public figures, and women become second-class people. Women are made tools in the hands of men, and men are programmed to have sex almost every hour. But excessive deplete the human body.
You are programmed for such a life when you will lead yourself to poverty, illness and misfortune by your own actions. For example, the usual expression “To get rich, you need to work more than 8 hours a day” does not lead to wealth. Such a program is beneficial to leaders, entrepreneurs, employers who will always be happy to hire people who will only work, not sleep and not eat. You won’t get rich this way, but you can please your bosses. Be vigilant and watch what phrases and beliefs you program yourself for mental suffering.
How to deal with mental pain?
Obviously, there are many reasons for the occurrence of mental pain. A person first of all begins to form it in his head when his ideas do not coincide with the real state of affairs or when he worries about his loved ones. All people can feel pain. But how to deal with it?
All people experience mental suffering in their own way:
- Some are trying to suppress it. However, she goes into the subconscious, periodically reminding of herself, especially when events arise that hurt just as painfully.
- Others talk about heartache, splash it out. Either they take out their anger on people or objects, or communicate with relatives, friends who support and help.
- Still others are looking for a way to solve a situation that causes heartache. Perhaps this option to eliminate suffering is considered the most ideal.
How to get rid of mental pain?
If a person does not recognize the presence of mental pain, then he avoids it, and in fact it ceases to be on a conscious level. It goes into the subconscious, from where it periodically breaks out when a person again encounters events that hurt him mentally. Here you need to get rid of mental pain, and not avoid it.
If you drive the pain of the soul into the subconscious, then it will begin to change a person: his character, relationships with others, close him from new opportunities and acquaintances. A person will begin to relate differently to the world and people.
A person stops creating, being proactive, working and having a normal rest. While he is tormented by mental anguish, he is not able to live peacefully and enjoy life. All this happens at the level of emotions that control an adult and conscious person.
If it is not possible to cope with mental pain on your own, then the help of a psychologist is offered, which will help to understand the problem and eliminate it.
Heartache after a breakup
Another form of mental suffering is pain after separation. Both women and men can suffer. The departure or death of a loved one always causes resentment and other emotions that cause pain.
After a breakup, a person goes through the following stages:
- Negation. First, a person denies the accomplishment of the event that does not please him. I don't want to believe what happened. The person still has hopes that it is still possible to return.
- Resentment, hatred. When a person recognizes the existence of a separation, the departure of a loved one, he begins to look for the guilty. He blames himself, then the departed partner. Here hatred is manifested both to oneself and to a partner.
- Pain. Tears, crying, humility and other experiences occur at the stage when a person accepts his problem. He learns to live in a new way, first experiencing acute emotions.
Severe mental pain
Mental pain is the result of thoughts and experiences that the person himself creates. To get rid of severe suffering, which is sometimes unbearable, you must follow one of the scenarios:
- Eliminate the cause of mental pain. For example, reconcile with a loved one if the pain is caused by his departure.
- Accept the situation, change your attitude and perception of it. If the problem cannot be fixed, then you should accept it and learn to live with it.
It is recommended not to run away from your own experiences. Emotions torment, but you should accept their presence. Then you should come to your senses and understand what is happening. Heartache is denial, rejection, resentment of a situation. What happens if emotions change?
Outcome of heartache
Heartache doesn't do any good. The sages say that a person grows and develops through suffering. However, an ordinary person often only develops more complexes and fears in himself based on the pain that he is experiencing. As a result, a person begins to run even faster from those situations that can cause unpleasant emotions.
You can get rid of mental pain only by willpower. Even when working with a psychologist, you will have to make an effort and feel the desire to get rid of suffering.
The best way to get rid of pain is to live the pain. At the same time, it is extremely important that you can share this pain with another person. Living pain alone is the path to endless suffering, when grief is not weakened, but, on the contrary, intensified, when the injury is not cured, but only “picked”.
And time - it does not heal. It mends wounds, it simply closes them on top with a gauze bandage of new impressions, new sensations, life experience... And sometimes, clinging to something, this bandage flies off, and fresh air enters the wound, giving it new pain... and new life...
Time is a bad doctor... It makes you forget about the pain of new wounds, inflicting more and more. And so we crawl through life, like its wounded soldiers... And every year the number of poorly applied bandages grows in our souls..
Erich Maria Remarque
How to survive the pain and get rid of it?
How to make it so that it remains forever in the soul? Let's figure it out.
Two main mechanisms for the occurrence of mental or mental pain.
Heartache arises when someone violated your boundaries, treacherously, rudely and cynically inherited your personal space. It can be violence, and rudeness, insult, humiliation, rejection, etc. If you draw a parallel with physical pain, then imagine cutting your finger with a knife. The integrity of the body is broken, the blood flows, you experience pain.
Mental pain also arises if something or someone was a part of your life. And then it was gone, gone. It can be some kind of life value, a person, a thing, something that is dear to you and that has grown together with you into a single whole, something that is part of you. And now, if the husband leaves, the house burns down, the idea of something important is destroyed, dreams and plans are destroyed, mental pain appears. On a physical level, such pain occurs when we separate something that has grown together. Again wound, blood, pain.
What is pain for?
Mental pain is a natural function of the body, which is designed to heal wounds. This feeling was given to us not in order to cause suffering, but in order for us to pay attention to the wound, give it time and heal it.
“Reality is not what happens to us, but what we do with what happens to us”
Aldous Huxley
How can we deal with our pain?
The worst thing we can do about pain is ignore it, try not to notice it, keep it in, suppress it.. Time does not heal, but only covers the wound. Perhaps the pain decreases, but it will forever remain in the soul and body of a person, entering the stage of life when circumstances affect it, or manifesting itself in the form of a psychosomatic illness.
The best way to get rid of pain is to live the pain.
At the same time, it is extremely important that you can share this pain with another person. Living pain alone is the path to endless suffering, when grief is not weakened, but, on the contrary, intensified, when the injury is not cured, but only “picked”.
It is in contact with another that a person has the opportunity to do work. pain and heal the wound, restore the integrity of the mental tissue, get rid of suffering, learn to live in new conditions.
Therefore, cry to another, talk about your loss, share your feelings.
I want to say a few more words for those to whom they come with their pain.
How to behave to help others through pain.
Here it is worth remembering how people usually behave and what they say when someone else is crying nearby:
Do not Cry.
Bearing someone else's pain is not easy, so we protect ourselves and say "Don't cry." Meanwhile, we offer the partner to freeze his pain and leave it for centuries in his psyche.
Well, why are you suffering so much, you will find/give birth to yourself another.
No one and nothing will replace what has been lost. The other will occupy a different place in the soul, and the loss requires mourning.
Everything will be fine. Look at the sun outside. Life is Beautiful.
All such types of comfort do not help the sufferer, but only make him feel that you cannot share his feelings, and he is alone in his experiences.
Something needs to be done urgently. Let me help you.
Starting to save the suffering, you only aggravate the situation. Interaction begins in the triangle "victim-tyrant-rescuer".
The best thing you can do:
- listen,
- let the sufferer cry
- share your feelings and reactions,
- hug a partner
- just BE there. Not to DO, but to BE.
In this case, the pain will be healed, the wounds will heal, and the relationship between you will be strengthened.published .
Natalya Polyakova
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet
This is due to the fact that we are created to have relationships with other people and to strive for intimacy. In the transformation of the primate brain into the human brain, social connections, which include love, have played and continue to play a huge role. We understand how the love chemistry of the brain works, what happens to the body at the time of a breakup, and how to cope with painful sensations and experiences.
How love affects the brain
To understand what happens to the brain during separation, you need to brush up on the physiological processes that accompany falling in love and the development of attachment in mammals and humans. Science cannot answer the question why people and animals choose one partner for themselves and not another, but we know quite well what happens in the body.
I. Attraction
Butterflies in the stomach and physiological attraction are caused by sex hormones, mainly testosterone (in both sexes). It doesn't make people fall in love - it just provides libido.
II. Love
The neurotransmitter dopamine gives the motivation to move and seek a partner. It activates the "reward system" in the brains of lovers in direct proportion to the level of their subjective love, promising pleasure and forcing the object of passion to achieve.
Additional energy of passionprovides cortisol, it not only activates forces, but also puts the body in a state of stress. The adrenal glands actively produce adrenaline. Hence the sweating, frantic heart rate and the desire to jump and jump, which we feel during the first contact with the person we like.
Lovers have increased levels of norepinephrine. This hormone is involved in fixing new stimuli in the memory, including the process of "imprinting" into the memory in animals - imprinting. Apparently, this is why the image of the beloved gets stuck in memory. We can think about the object of passion to the point of obsession, often also because of a decrease in the level of serotonin. In sharply in love, serotonin levels are lowered - as in those suffering from a real obsessive-compulsive disorder with obsessive thoughts.
III. Attachment
Love affection is characteristic not only of a person, but also of other living beings, when they protect a common territory, build nests together, care for each other, share care for offspring and experience longing when separated.
When feelings are mutual and lovers form a couple, theydeclining cortisol levels and the amount of serotonin rises again, and constant physical contact “pumps” attachment hormones into the couple.
In humans, a love alliance is associated with a sense of security, calmness and emotional unity. Such sensations are associated mainly with oxytocin. It is produced during social and physical contact, hugging, sex, especially during orgasm - and its level is higher in those couples who have spent more time next to each other. It also shapes parental behavior, pushing the pair to stay with each other long enough to feed the offspring and continue their species.
IV. Why are there so many
Apparently, nature created such a complex chemical process in order to motivate two completely different individuals to form a pair for conception, bearing and raising children. All this time, people in a couple are in a state of drug intoxication, a love illusion, for which they are ready for a lot.
What Happens in the Body When You Break Up
When this physiological cycle is suddenly interrupted, the body enters a serious imbalance. Dopamine continues to remain at a high level for some time even in the absence of an object of love - which means that the motivation to connect with another person does not weaken, giving rise to anxiety and dissatisfaction. When the inertia of this process stops and the production of dopamine slows down, on the contrary, depression, apathy, and lack of motivation will cover. Many will be drawn to the dopamine "needle" of alcohol, psychoactive substances or promiscuous sex (all this does not help, but only imbalance).
I. Anxiety
Loving people show less activity in the amygdala, a part of the brain that is responsible for experiencing intense emotions, especially negative ones like fear, anxiety, and anger. They have less active posterior cingulate gyrus, which is often associated with experiencing pain.
Experiments showed that even when women simply hold the hand of their beloved spouses, their brains have a weaker stress response system in response to electric shocks - and the more satisfied they are with their marriage, the calmer they remain.
When we lose such an important support for the balance of our body as a partner - even if we ourselves initiated the gap, and even more so if we were suddenly abandoned - we unillusionably experience a whole range of fears, anxieties and dissatisfaction.
II. real pain
Moreover, rejection causes the same reaction in the brain as physical pain. Looking at a portrait of former lovers activates the secondary somatosensory cortex and insula, which are responsible for the formation of complex physical sensations - they are also active in those who hit their fingers with a hammer.
This means that the pain of parting is real.
A broken heart causes the same stress and activates the same areas as a broken leg: at the moment of any social rejection, opioids are released into the brain - natural painkillers, the presence of which usually indicates a real injury.
III. Heart problems
By the way, the heart from parting can also really suffer. Broken heart syndrome, as takotsubo syndrome is often called, is a malfunction of the heart muscle under the influence of severe emotional stress. Such problems can show up after the death of a spouse, manifest as chest pains and can lead to death. The hearts of postmenopausal women are most at risk, but it happens to both sexes at any age. Stress can also trigger risky behavior by increasing the chance of dying in an accident, under the influence of high doses of alcohol or drugs, or in a fight.
IV. obsessive thoughts
Worst of all, our brains have evolved to focus on threats. And if something causes stress and pain, then it is regarded as a threat. That is, the desire to follow the life of a former lover, despite all the pain that it causes, is a consequence of some “stupidity” of our brain, its biological automatism. And don't forget about low levels of serotonin, which causes obsessive thoughts. Therefore, it makes sense to make it difficult for him to reflect painfully: maybe removing ex-friends looks childish, but still works. But do not deny your feelings and avoid thinking about the breakup in a constructive way.
What does it mean?
Feeling terrible after a breakup is normal and natural. In terms of chemical effect, love is like drug intoxication, and separation is like the withdrawal syndrome of an addict in the absence of a dose of a substance that usually provides high levels of dopamine. Approximately the same longing, they say, is experienced by cocaine after parting with it.
Our brains are quite capable of coping with both addiction and breakup. He just needs time. Take your time: you can digest your emotions for as long as you need.
In a survey I conducted for my telegram channel, 58% of people reported that they lost a loved one from one to five years ago, while 66% of those surveyed noted that they still feel pain.
Think of it as a disease that you need to recover from (by the way, severe stress really leads to a drop in immunity and increases the risk of contracting all sorts of viruses in addition to reactive depression).
Understanding that some of these heartbreaking sensations are not in the soul, but in the body, gives some relief and a sense of control. We can more or less control our body and make it experience a little less stress and get a little more pleasure.
It is not necessary to shake the already unbalanced system of rewards with alcohol and drugs (at least, it is better to know the limit to drunken grief, if you could not resist). Help your dopamine. Of useful entertainment, he most of all loves movement, knowledge and the fulfillment of small short-term goals. The rewards system will reward you with a boost for making and following through on plans, whether it's cleaning the house, watching long-delayed movies, trying to hit your first run in three years, or at least clearing your spam inbox to nothing.
That is why many people after parting make amazing personal successes in sports and in education, because they free up a large resource of attention and motivation.
Communication with a close circle helps to get a little joy and peace: family, friends, like-minded people - the brain “loves” social acceptance. And, of course, we should not forget about relaxation methods that are safe for health: walks in the fresh air, massage, and various relaxation techniques.
Psychological frustration
The physiological cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones that churns through us during and after a breakup provokes more than just physical sensations. These substances regulate emotions and make us feel and experience.
So if you want to ask if this mixture of pain, bitterness, hope, resentment, despair and more can be avoided, the correct answer is no.
You can try to deny your emotions, run away from their awareness or try to give them a different color - I don’t suffer from the loss of a loved one, I’m angry; I suffer not because I loved him, but because he turned out to be an asshole. But, like the awareness of other traumatic events, this too must go through the universal stages of mourning—shock, denial, anger, bargaining, resignation—and come to accept the situation and restore wholeness.
Loss of one's own identity
In many ways, psychological frustration after a breakup is due to the fact that during the period of a relationship we build a partner into our identity. Many look at themselves through the eyes of a loved one and borrow his vision for self-identification and for building a picture of the future. Pulling out one of the main elements from this picture makes us experience the feeling of the destruction of the image of "I" and the loss of control over our lives and confusion.
Often we grieve not so much for a particular person, but for the picture of our "I", which he allowed us to build. Awareness of this fact helps to shift the focus to work on your condition.
The question "who am I?" - a normal existential question for singles and families, polyamers, youths and old people. Its complexity makes us look for the answer - in vigorous activity, creativity or philosophy. It just sounds louder in times of crisis.
Use this moment to reflect on what you want out of life and who you want to be. And then fall in love again, and there will be no time for existentialism.
Loss of adequate self-esteem
Very often, a gap leads not only to difficulties in self-identification, but also to a decrease in self-esteem. This is especially true for those who have been left behind. In such a situation, it may seem that something is wrong with you, since your partner has left you. But this erroneous line of thought only leads to worsening self-esteem issues and going in circles.
A loved one and his attention to us gives us value in our own eyes. When he leaves, it seems to us that what he loved us for has depreciated - we are not as good as it seemed before. Separating the pain of loss of intimacy and love from the pain of wounded pride can be very beneficial for recovery.
Be realistic: almost all people have been or will be abandoned at least once in their lives. This does not mean that something is wrong with everyone: we are all very different, see the world differently and can be at different stages of our lives when we meet someone.
The most common consequences of problems with self-esteem are the depreciation of the former partner and relationships with him, or, conversely, the idealization of the past.
Depreciation. Some people consider devaluation - underestimation of the importance of a partner with the help of derogatory statements, the cultivation of contempt, and telling friends about their indifference or hatred towards this person, as a good cure for low self-esteem. But this is not the best way for us. By devaluing a former lover, we also lose the value of the time spent together, the experience that changed us and made us mature, and we also deny those parts of the personality that have matured in these relationships - and which we need for a fulfilling life.
Idealization. The other extreme is the idealization of the past, when you fixate only on the best moments, collect them in a collection and shed tears, sorting through them like a Buddhist monk does his rosary. Of course, it is difficult for us to survive the loss of someone who was there at a difficult moment and whom we could rely on - not only in business, but also emotionally, in our insecurity, insecurity and so on. But remember the difference between mature and immature love as formulated by Erich Fromm in his book The Art of Loving: “Immature love says, ‘I love you because I need you. Mature love says, "I need you because I love you" - strive for a mature understanding of love.
Both strategies - devaluation and idealization of the former partner - lead to emotional imbalance.
Diary for self-therapy
It is useful during any emotional upheaval, it allows you to express all the feelings and thoughts that torment you and becomes a calm for the mind, obsessively returning to the object of former love.
In order to regain control over your self-esteem, use a notebook, a pen and your mind. Record on paper both what you are grateful to your partner for and the criticism and regrets that have accumulated during the relationship. Formulate why your relationship did not work: you wanted different things from life, you did not agree on values, the relationship was painful, someone suppressed someone. Make a list of what you had to sacrifice and compromise on that you didn't want to. Write down your everyday thoughts and experiences, trying to comprehend the past stage and crystallize it into experience.
It is this experience that, at the end of your breakup experience, will become a new part of your personality, your wisdom and maturity. Meaningful experience is your wealth. Even painful experiences can benefit the individual if they are realized and worked through.
Restoring independence and relying on yourself will serve your personality well: you are complete, and you do not need another person to have value, know what to do and who to be.
After such work on becoming aware of your emotional experience, you will feel relief and the beginning of a new life. Research shows that people who understand the reasons for a breakup are more likely to recover faster and are more satisfied with their next relationship than those who don't reflect on it.
Breakup social background
You may feel uncomfortable and even ashamed when explaining to your friends that you and your partner broke up. You have to face not only internal uncertainty, but also external: the future that you planned will never happen again - just like the image of your future self has disappeared forever.
I. Uncertainty and fear of loneliness
All these worries are only indirectly related to love and its loss. We feel similar stress when we graduate from school or college, lose a job, or move to another country. Uncertainty is the main stress factor here. Our brain is generally not very adapted to uncertainty and suddenness, but any novelty soon becomes commonplace for it.
But uncertainty guarantees you freedom of action. The period after parting with a long-term partner is one of the most fruitful for soul-searching and setting new goals, because at such a moment a huge amount of obligations is removed from you, and you now have more maneuver to make a big change in your life.
We may be worried about the fear of being alone. It may seem that we will never be able to love again and will not be happy. Pictures of happiness, success and the prevailing life can crush the assertion of the superiority of paired creatures over single ones. Watching popular movies about love only exacerbates the feeling that something has gone wrong in your life.
II. "Unreal Love"
The main mistake we make when thinking about past happiness is related to the pop culture version of love that is shown in popular films, songs and fairy tales. Love should be stable, the same, begin with passion, quickly result in a wedding (well, or the formation of a modern monogamous couple) and then last forever.
It seems to us that if our love ended, then it was a fatal mistake and, in general, not true love. This statement is false.
Love is valuable as an experience: the experience of knowing the other, yourself, the experience of super-motivation and actions inspired by care, the experience of experiencing acceptance of the other - and acceptance by the other. This is a unique experience that will stay with you even many years after your pain is gone and how you forget many of the details that you remember now. The end does not detract from the value of love in the same way that the death of a person does not detract from the significance of those actions and feelings that he performed and experienced while alive.
The brain is plastic. It responds to intense experiences and adapts to them. The storm of experiences passes gradually, because if you take and abruptly interrupt the entire complex chemical process that occurs in the brain of two people in a pair, you can cause serious damage to the entire system. She has to balance herself and is quite capable of doing so.
Sometimes science and banality converge: it does get better with time, although it’s unbelievable now.
One fine day (be it a month or a few years later) you suddenly feel free from bitterness, resentment and regret. The main thing, as science shows, is to fully comprehend your experience in order to move on.
It happens when the earth leaves from under the feet from the loss of a loved one: separation, illness, death. A special world has been built with this person. How to live if the world will not be the same? How to ease the heartache, if the relationship dear to the heart is not revived? Maybe be patient and wait?
The bad has already happened. The misfortune happened not in the movies, but in real life. ?
Time cures?
It happens when the earth leaves from under the feet from the loss of a loved one: separation, illness, death. A special world has been built with this person. The heart stores experiences from a joint move to a new apartment, the birth of children or walks in the park. You remember with what expression he rejoices, sad or grumbles. You know how many sugar cubes he likes to add to his tea. And suddenly the usual way is crossed out.
How to live if the world will not be the same? How to appease if the relationship dear to the heart is not revived? Maybe be patient and wait? Training by Yuri Burlan "Systemic Vector Psychology" offers another way - to understand the causes of mental pain and with the help of psychoanalysis.
The word is first aid
Even years after the departure of a loved one, it can be painful to re-read the letters addressed to you, in which he shared his innermost experiences. At best, the pain of separation - or betrayal, violence - dulls over the years. But liberation from emotional suffering does not have to wait passively. Just the opposite. For the treatment of pain from a spiritual wound, time is not worth wasting.
First aid for severe mental shock is to speak out.
There is an opinion that when a person has experienced stress, he should be left alone with his feelings and “not reopen the wound.” In fact, to cope with mental pain, you need to immediately start talking with a loved one about what happened. Do not close emotions in yourself, do not hold back tears, do not suppress painful experiences. And do not ignore any painful memory.
If emotional suffering is associated with the fact that a person can no longer be returned, it is advisable to discuss as many happy moments and feelings associated with him as possible. Talk about his achievements and virtues. Such memories will smooth out the bitterness of loss, making room for light sadness.
It is important to speak out as soon as possible after a traumatic event, otherwise negative experiences will be forced into the unconscious. If this happens, it will be more difficult to cope with mental pain later.
It is important to observe safety precautions. Approach with seriousness the choice of a person for a sincere conversation. Make sure that he takes care of your emotions, heartache.
This method can be regarded as first aid, like artificial respiration. When this tool from the psychological "first aid kit" has completed its task, a person needs a resource in order to live on.
How to live on?
People can experience a difficult situation in different ways, and the consequences of loss manifest themselves differently depending on the characteristics of the human psyche.
Emotional suffering
There are people for whom breaking an emotional connection is especially painful. System-vector psychology defines them as representatives.
Emotions are important for people with this type of psyche. In one hour, they can experience the whole gamut of experiences from fear to love. They seek to build emotional ties with people with whom they can exchange hidden feelings or give the warmth of the soul.
The loss of emotional connections makes their soul hurt. Due to unbearable suffering, visual people after an experienced trauma can close, avoid further expression of feelings. This is how they lead themselves into a trap. After all, then they do not fully realize the abilities inherent in nature, which means that they also lose the ability to experience the joy of life to a large extent.
It happens the other way around, when because of emotional pain it is difficult for them to cope with emotions. Hold back your feelings. Sobs roll over, the reality is hardly realized from emotional overexcitation. From such splashes, the hands are shaking, the head is broken. Instead, emptiness and longing come.
Such conditions may be the result of fear. It serves as the starting point of development for all people with a visual vector. Normally, in an adult, the emotion of fear is redirected into empathy, but in situations of severe stress, it happens that the usual response skills are washed away by a wave of a broken dam. Then the root fear of death can be exposed. It is not always realized and can be expressed at the level of psychosomatics, including panic attacks.
Guilt
This state is caused by the peculiarities of the psyche of the anal vector. Friendship and family for such people is sacred. If they are sure that they hurt a loved one, they reproach themselves greatly for it. Self-criticism is fueled by the innate tenacious memory of the anal vector. It firmly fixes the details of the past, even if you don’t want to remember them at all. What if there is no way to fix the past? A person can get stuck in a state of guilt for a long time and not know how to build his life further. The situation will change if you find a way to make amends by caring for those who need it.
Loneliness
Proofreader: Natalya Konovalova
The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»