According to statistics, more than 90% of marriages are made for love. And, nevertheless, the question of how to preserve love in marriage is very acute. This problem can be solved by following the call of your heart and taking into account the results of the latest research of the modern institution of marriage.

Transformation of love

The fervent feeling that engulfs the two lovers seems to last forever. Human nature is arranged in such a way that when the same person, his half, a man and a woman meet, a storm of emotions seizes. Relatively speaking, the first year or two, the feeling of love goes through several changes. First, a person is immersed in the feeling “I have known you all my life” - the so-called phenomenon of recognition. Romantic affection smoothly turns into a desire to be there always - as if two halves of something whole were reunited. At the last stage, a feeling of need arises - a person begins to yearn when parting, and it is hard to endure parting with a loved one.

These three stages are the basis for the future of the couple. During the experience of all these sensations and feelings in lovers, hormones are released that affect the emotional state. The person is positive, cheerful, joyful and happy. This does not last long - you can go crazy. Therefore, passion smoothly passes into a calmer stage of attachment, friendship and a shared view of the world. And the first crazy period is the formation of stable stereotypes and happy memories. That to which memory returns during quarrels and resentments.

Stages of development of relationships in marriage

After marriage and honeymoon, life begins as usual. Every moment is a brick of a common home - a family. Therefore, it is important to realize that life is fragile and short-lived. You shouldn't live in anticipation of something. Something happens every day. And step by step, love in the family takes on new guises, helping two lovers to maintain affection and happiness.

• Friendship in marriage is a good indicator that the family has a healthy psychological climate. Husband and wife should be the closest friends to each other. Consoling, supporting, going on a hike together, going to the movies and just being at home together - it's great!
• Joint hobbies and projects - that from which love will only grow stronger. In one family that celebrated their golden wedding, the wife took an English course while her husband, a Ph.D., was writing his dissertation. Then she translated his work into English, and he helped with the drawings in her project. Joint activities bring people closer together.
• Conversations and communication. It is imperative to talk to each other. Even when it seems that everything has been said, there are no topics for discussion, only everyday life is around, you need to find a way to distract yourself and discuss anything. Do not arrange scenes and reprimands, but talk about a book, a film, an event. Letting your soul mate speak and speak for yourself is a recipe for maintaining love.
• A separate stage in family life is the appearance of a child. A woman-wife turns into a woman-mother thanks to such a natural mechanism as the maternal instinct. In men, this instinct can take up in the third or fifth year of a child's life. It is worth considering the individual characteristics. A man - to help his beloved, a woman - to devote part of the time only to her husband

• If there was no love at the very beginning, but there was a passion, a short flash of passion, then in this case there will be nothing to save, no matter how sad it sounds. Therefore, before officially registering the relationship. It is worth discussing everything with your partner and listening to your heart.

Modern research on relationships in marriage has helped many families cope with growing-up crises.

• The crisis of the "first year" in marriage - in Russian it sounds like "rubbing in". During the first year or two, young people may be surprised to learn something new about each other, and not always pleasant. In order to calmly survive this period, psychologists advise paying more attention to pleasant little things and seeing in your soul mate the good that attracts. They say that a person is annoyed suddenly by something that he cannot accept in himself.

• Stage of the "seven-year" family. It was during this period that the highest divorce rate. Ardent passion passes, there was not enough strength to forgive insults, to solve problems. Such a snowball of reproaches accumulates, which falls like snow on one's head at one moment. The marriage is falling apart. To avoid this, you need to solve the problems and disagreements that arise immediately, without delaying or hiding from the problems. Discussed, forgiven, forgotten - the recipe for maintaining love.
• Midlife crisis - a 40-year-old man. At this time, there is a reassessment of values, plans for life. A man must be supported by remaining a loyal friend.
• The empty nest crisis is when children grow up and begin their adult life. At this time, a woman needs support.

Summarizing all the tips, we can say the following. Love in marriage should grow and develop with family members. Contradictions are the basis of development.

Are you in a panic? Do you feel like the whole world is crumbling? Is love going away? Don't be in a hurry to despair! Together we will try to find an answer to the question "How to keep love in marriage?" Indeed, sometimes you feel a decrease in the intensity of relations with your beloved spouse and it seems that love is melting like last year's snow. Before falling into hysterics and expressing complaints to your husband, sit in silence and indulge in memories ... Your meetings, walks, pleasant surprises: how many exciting pleasant moments have you experienced together. Remember why you decided to connect your life with him. Memory will warm the heart, melt the sharp ice of doubts and vain experiences.

How to keep love in marriage, or maybe it's a transformation of love?

Over time, love acquires new colors, develops into a strong affection for each other. Passionate lovers are transformed into close relatives. You may not need to think about how to keep love in your marriage. This can be explained both from the point of view of psychology and from the point of view of medicine. The change in hormonal levels fully explains the changes. And let's look at it from the other side, look for a zest in the "new" relationship, we will rejoice, and thank you for the happiness of being together.

Situations arise when such a transformation makes you doubt the partner and his sincerity of feelings, and even more so comparing them with the initial sensations. Perhaps you need to look at the changes and find out what the problem is. Enough time has passed, and you are one hundred percent sure that you are right, that these are extinguished feelings and love begins to go away. In this case, you will have to consider recommendations that will help keep love in marriage.

In a marriage union, there is no need to be ashamed of problems, because every healthy family has them. The main thing is that you are asking yourself how to keep love in marriage, and this is an indicator of the desire to be together and overcome the difficulties that have arisen. Let's just say - this is the right question! First, you need to understand why your husband's behavior annoys you. Maybe it's not him, but you? First, consider the possible causes:

• internal stress due to conflicts at work;
• long and nervous waiting in traffic jams;
• illness of children, it often pours out on the closest person.

Family life, of course, does not exclude the presence of difficulties, but they can be solved together and even necessary. The main point here is a joint and amicable solution to the problems that have arisen. You are one whole, and if you decide to fight to the end and know the happiness of couples who have lived together for more than 50 years, then start small. Here are the simplest recommendations that will really help in solving this issue.

Try to find the cause and then root it out

You can sulk at your husband, scold, manipulate. These methods will not help, but rather exacerbate the situation. You need to understand the deepest motive. There can be only one way out: to talk frankly, listen and accept him as herself. And you should not immediately argue and express your opinion. Take time out! After that, put all your thoughts in order and make your list of claims that you have against your husband. (ask him to do the same) Find the right time for a frank conversation and listen to each other in a calm tone, but without arguments or accusations. Pursue the same outcome of the conversation - finding and solving the problem that poisons your life.

Try to develop relationships.

Be sincere, trust him! Eliminate lies, secrecy, resourcefulness from communication. Sincerity is the strongest foundation for lasting love. Based on trust, love will be able to withstand any difficulties and will become even stronger! This approach will bring about beneficial changes that will help you come to new discoveries in the relationship.

Maintain lightness in the relationship.

Speak directly about your desires! Men, just like you, are unhappy with monotony and boredom. First, decide on your desires, which can be formulated specifically. After that, it will be easier for a man to find an approach to you, and make a long-awaited gift, or even a dizzying surprise. Do not forget about your fate, create an amorous atmosphere for a romantic dinner. You can give a lot of ideas (some of them are just banal, but a man needs it so much - a ready-to-eat breakfast, playfulness, and so on) that will bring ease in a relationship.

Be calm about changes in intimate relationships.

It is no secret that with the age of marriage, close relationships become less frequent and vivid. This circumstance can also cause depression. The main thing is that the desire arises! Let it be an unforgettable night once a week! But what a! So think about whether it is worth giving in to stereotypical reasoning and stuffing your head with nonsense, instead of sharing happy moments with the closest and dearest person. Do not forget that no one has canceled intimate games, as well as toys that not only diversify bed intimacy, but also have a positive effect on human health. So we figured out how to keep love in marriage

There are a huge number of situations, but the basic recommendations can radically change fading feelings to revived, like a phoenix from the ashes. The main thing is to replace the problem in time and quickly begin to deal with it. You should always worry about the relationship in marriage, because in this life nothing is given for nothing. You must always fight for your happiness and the well-being of your family. It also happens that we build relationships with the wrong man and in order, we have a special article for you. We believe that you have found your soul mate, and your relatives live in happiness, understanding and love for many years together, not thinking of life, without each other. All the best to your friendly and understanding family, and do not forget to give. Write your comments and your thoughts a little below, and we will carefully read everything.

People really get to know each other only after they started living together. Before the wedding - dreams, after the wedding - disappointments. It was believed that the celebrations of meetings would turn into a continuous celebration. It was believed that after the wedding, everything would get better, and love - stronger. We got married, but the problems remained. And new ones were added: what to live on, how to get along ...

Before marriage, the man provided meetings, and now it is necessary to provide for the family.

The girl from the princess turned into a servant. Admirers, dates, flowers, dances and other attributes of a beautiful free life are replaced by family concerns, heavy bags, dirty pots, and there are wet diapers on the way ... The honeymoon is over - they overeat, caressed, talked, tired, eyes no longer burn ... Before the wedding, feelings were fueled by parting, and now they are together every day.

The biggest challenge in marriage is the daily routine, which weakens the ability to perceive each other with the same excitement. Emotional satiety can ensue and deep indifference ensues. No conditions, no efforts with constant communication between partners will not be able to keep feelings at the same high level that was characteristic of the beginning of a relationship. After an emotional upsurge, a recession will certainly follow.

The psychological attitude of the partners plays an important role in the preservation of marriage. Pessimists and optimists perceive periods of predominance of certain emotions differently. Optimists pay more attention to periods favorable for relationships, characterized by comfortable relationships, high spirits, and interaction. Noticing some alienation between themselves and their partner, they calmly await a favorable period ("After the clouds there will be the sun"). Pessimists cannot forget about past conflicts, which increases the already increased internal tension, which often increases so much that they begin to associate the very concept of happiness primarily with the absence of problems, calmness, stability, and not with passion, joy, delight. All this cannot but leave a kind of imprint on their love.

With age, the attitude towards love changes. Other values ​​are already coming to the fore, pushing love aside. Stereotypes also play a role: it is believed that love is for young people.

Since the inception of the family in its modern, monogamous form, family life has not been cloudless. Pushkin had every reason to declare that the unhappiness of family life is "a distinctive feature in the mores of the Russian people." Yugoslavian writer Branislav Nusic wrote that marriage is an interesting story, sometimes a novel, with an exceptionally good beginning, similar to a lyric poem, but often with poor content and even more often with an unexpected ending.

Of course, love is one of the hardest things to do. The relationship between lovers includes a great variety of individual, unique characteristics and traits. And this individual, unique often turns out to be more significant and significant than the general.

Psychological compatibility is the compatibility of temperaments, characters, emotional and volitional characteristics of people. One person, for example, can be very emotionally dependent, constantly in need of support, approval, and therefore it is difficult to endure loneliness. Another is prone to solitude, constantly experiencing stress in the company of other people. One has a hypertrophy of the "super-ego", he is squeezed, the other is relaxed and has an easy attitude to life. There are people who are cheerful, easily tune in to someone else's wave (syntonic), “easy to communicate”, there are people who are fixated on themselves and hardly feel the mood of others.

Some seek to lead, suppress and subjugate others, remaking them to their liking, others prefer to adapt and be led. Some can easily quarrel and just as easily forget about a quarrel, others experience every little thing deeply and for a long time, accumulate resentments and keep them until the end of their lives, suffer forever.

One person is constantly looking for strong impressions, impulsive, easily converges with other people and just as easily leaves, cheerful and cheerful, loves noise and company, the other is restrained, indecisive, prone to self-delusion and keeps feelings under control, although he experiences them much more strongly. And the nature of their communication and their relationship largely depends on how harmoniously these or those psychological characteristics of lovers or spouses are combined.

As one old story says, "marriage is nothing more than the grave of romantic love." Thousands of novels, plays and films about lovers end with a touching kiss accompanied by shouts of “Bitter!”, Followed (or only implied) by the statement: “They lived happily ever after and died in one day. But how exactly they "lived happily" - about this fairy tales, novels and films are silent.

There is no point in proving that marriage is the business of two adults, each of whom has his own idea of ​​happiness. However, many marriages fail because one or both partners, despite their "adult" age, are still emotionally children. Where does love begin? A happy magical meeting followed by an equally happy marriage? No, love, as a rule, begins much earlier - from the first romantic dreams. How many girls dream that one fine day the door will swing open, He will enter, destined by fate itself, beautiful and noble, without hesitation he will fall at her feet and in a voice breaking with excitement will say: “You were waiting for me, beloved! I came!"

Years, however, go by, the girl grows up, turns into a girl, but the prince is not there. Romantic dreams do not dissipate, they only go into the depths, hiding there, and if a girl meets someone who even remotely reminds her of a long-standing romantic image, she is ready to say to herself: “He has come! I woke up for real life. "

This is, so to speak, one of the types of modern "sleeping beauty". The romantic idea of ​​the ideal husband does not leave many married women. They compare their partner with the husbands of their girlfriends, and it always turns out that the husbands of the girlfriends are at least a bit better than their own. And then they begin to torment themselves with questions: why am I so unlucky? Why do others have husbands like husbands, and my husband is not a husband, but a complete misunderstanding?

What then makes a girl marry not a "prince", but a simple man whom she nevertheless loves? Most often - a secret belief: wait, dear, here you will become my husband, you will quickly get rid of all your stupid habits! And indeed, barely getting married, the young wife, rolling up her sleeves, begins to knock out of her husband all his “stupid habits”: from now on he must forget all his friends and stay at home, eat only what will be served, and if he doesn’t like it, let him cook yourself, throw your ridiculous jacket in the trash and so on, and so on, and so forth.

At the same time, a woman who does this considers herself a "good fairy" who acts only for her husband's good!

The whole focus of family life is that it can only reveal the qualities inherent in partners, and not radically change them or generate new ones. First of all, learn to respect the personality of the other person and quickly get rid of the rose-colored glasses that you did not part with before the wedding.

As one American psychologist wrote: "A woman's success in marriage is based much more on her own ability to be the right partner than on finding the right partner." Meanwhile, many mistakes stem from a woman's underestimation of her purpose in life, which is why she is in a hurry to blame her partner for her failures.

The success of family life is not decided by the “remaking” of the partner in our own image and likeness, but the degree of our adaptability and condescension, the ability to “get used to” the thoughts and feelings of the partner, the ability to communicate and forgive. If from the very first days of married life we ​​consciously begin to cultivate these qualities in ourselves, they will subsequently reliably protect us from all adversity.

Before marriage, each of the partners lived their own lives. They met, spent a lot of time together, their feeling developed and grew stronger, but each at the same time tried to look a little better in the eyes of the other than he really was. After the wedding, the need for this "a little" disappeared, and people appeared before each other without embellishment, with all their advantages and disadvantages.

Anyone who sees in marriage an opportunity to dictate his will, as a rule, always loses and pays with his own peace of mind.

Proud and selfish natures care first of all about their rights, but since this is what their attention is focused on, it always seems to them that someone is encroaching on these rights. Such obsessions, which have nothing to do with the real state of affairs in the family, cause protracted conflicts both with others and with oneself.

Until recently, psychotherapists believed that the spouse who is dependent on a partner is more susceptible to neuroses, be it material or emotional dependence. Research, however, has shown that this is not the case.

A woman raising children, and also working, is so drawn into the orbit of a wide variety of interpersonal relationships that she literally forgets about herself. Living for others, she kind of opens the shells of her “I” and, thanks to this, gains mental balance and immunity against neuroses. And on the contrary, a man who considers himself an indisputable authority, a person whom everyone should please, is asserted in his self-conceit, but in fact he is tightly locked in his shell. This makes him easily vulnerable.

A man who is late or delayed in emotional development remains infantile and dependent in relations with women for a long time. Women attract him only as long as they take care of him and protect him from adverse external influences. As soon as this concern diminishes (in connection with the birth of a child, for example, who absorbs all the mother's attention), such a man begins to be hostile to his wife and eventually leaves her. In a new acquaintance, he again seeks the same concern for himself, again strives to be protected, and history repeats itself.

American specialist in the psychology of family relations Karl Whitaker believes that divorce is generally pointless. It is necessary simply (although it is not at all easy) to correct relations all the time, to get them out of dead ends, to direct the energy of conflicts to the personal growth of both partners, and not to mutual accusations and divorce. Otherwise, all the energy of the relationship, the experience generated in them, all the wisdom goes towards ultimately blaming each other, shifting the blame and responsibility onto the other. And then people leave marriage absolutely poor in a spiritual sense. They are eternal and not very happy spectators, doomed to not understand the next performance.

Andersen has a fairy tale: her husband went to the market to exchange an old horse for something more useful in the farm. But this husband was a terrible fool. And he first exchanged a horse for a cow, a cow for a goat, a goat for a goose, remembering that his wife had long dreamed of cooking a roast goose for dinner. But he could not resist and replaced the goose with a bag of rotten apples. Do you think his wife lashed out at him? No, she praised him, was happy with the apples and even found some use for them (maybe she made apple cider vinegar).

Probably, women ensure the stability of relationships, men - their volatility, and only together they make it possible to consolidate the new and renew the old - the development of relationships, their longevity.

Any person is characterized by the desire to be alone for some time - in a calm atmosphere to think about something, to remember something, to analyze - just like the innate need to change the environment sometimes. In addition to the spouse and the interests of the family, we have friends, we have our own interests. This is normal and natural. Marriage does not mean the end of your personal development, and in order to develop, we need personal time and space.

Tips for women

American psychologist Jen King advises women: if your husband wants to play poker with friends once or twice a week, understand his desire to relax. Do not create a situation in which he has to make a choice between friends and you. Use your free evening as an opportunity to read, get a manicure, take a luxurious bath, or watch your favorite movie that he still doesn't like. This is what a calm and confident woman does. She also knows that when her husband comes home and is greeted with a warm, joyful welcome, rather than reproaches and whimpers, he will be immensely happy. He may even give up poker later in order to spend the evening with you. This is a real achievement. Psychology teaches us that human relationships in development are a process of connections, breaks, and new connections. You get along with someone, then you disperse, get back together and part again. And again you close and open the chain. There is no other way if you want your rapprochement with someone to have prospects. Of course, many of us would like to never part with those we love. Or, at least, to part only when we ourselves want it. Thank God this is impossible. Separations, albeit not too long, invade the lives of every couple, and this should be taken for granted.

Ebb and flow, or stages of family life

…What's happened? Until recently, he was gentle and affectionate, brought flowers, presented cute trinkets. And now he is cold and indifferent, and sometimes even rude in his rather clear desire to distance himself, to get away from communication. And the further, the more often you notice in his eyes what will soon be said aloud: "Leave me alone!"

Sound familiar? Most likely - it is familiar, because everyone can admit that there are ups and downs in his relations with other family members. But not everyone knows that the apparent deterioration of family relations is nothing more than a manifestation of the so-called law of rhythm: positive and negative emotions change each other. And the cooling you observe, and the subsequent violation of the relationship are even natural!

Even in the happiest families, the relationship of spouses periodically - we emphasize: periodically! - can go through the five stages highlighted by the sociologist Zatsepin.

The first is characterized by deep, passionate love, when the other partner takes, if not all, then at least a significant part of your attention, and even one memory of him evokes positive emotions (you know, probably, how it happens - it's just nice to remember that he is ).

The second stage is characterized by some cooling. The image of a partner is less and less likely to pop up in memory in his absence and does not always evoke positive emotions, although communication "live" usually cheers up.

At the third stage, a further cooling of relations occurs. With the arrival of a partner, the mood does not rise - some attention is needed from his side; Addictiveness sets in, constant communication gives rise to the appearance of monotony. And it is not so easy to destroy this appearance with surprises and caresses - after all, they also get used to them. In such a situation, it would be worthwhile to drastically reduce the intensity of communication, to the maximum - to go somewhere, so that your image in your absence will play with new colors for your partner, so that he realizes how much you mean to him. So that later you will receive a telegram "I love you, come!". Alas, this is hardly doable.

Not everyone can afford to refresh their relationship with separation. And then the only thing that can be advised is not to increase (although you really want to!), But to reduce the intensity of your family communication. But don't step back completely either! And try to change something in your relationship - their style, character, etc. (of course, for the better!). Try to change a little yourself - however, not so much to change as to open up with some new facets. Change something about your appearance. Expand the family outside - go, go somewhere, invite guests. Be discreet, tolerant, forgiving, and reasonably demanding. And then your relationship can return again to the first stage. If not, then, most likely, the fourth stage will come in them.

At this stage, the presence of another causes unconscious irritation, they begin to see not advantages, but disadvantages in him. A negative attitude is formed; nagging and criticism appear, any act is considered as a misdemeanor, and in the current and past behavior of a partner they are looking for (and find!) malicious intent ...

And then comes the fifth stage, at which the negative attitude almost completely takes over the person. Forgotten all the virtues of a partner. He pulls and leaves, and vice versa - to run to him in order to express everything that has boiled, and even to prick more painfully. In a word, the whole essence of this stage is expressed by the phrases: “I have opened my true face after all!”, “Where were my eyes when I married you!”.

Here, first of all, separation is really necessary - no, not a separation, and even less a divorce, just an intensive rest from each other, after which the relationship in most cases will be restored again. And secondly, restraint, so as not to break the wood.

The art of being a spouse mainly consists of the ability to psychologically competently build your daily relationships and communication, painlessly get out of conflicts. This art is also composed of self-control skills, because our moods and emotions are often the cause of crisis moments in marriage (mainly, because we also need the ability to maintain marital feelings and the ability to harmonious intimate relationships).

There are so many moments in life when it is important for a person to know that an atmosphere of security, comfort and confidence awaits him at home, when he wants to know that his spouse accepts him with all his weaknesses, that in front of his spouse he can be himself, and this will not affect relationship. A person needs to be aware that he has where to go with his problems, the burden of which is too heavy for him alone, that he can come to a friend who will treat with understanding and will be ready to help, because he knows and loves him as the only one in the whole world and loves as it is.

Family communication

Communication underlies the realization of one of the most important functions of the family - the realization of a person's need for acceptance, protection and personal comfort. It is communication that makes it possible to manifest one of the most important marital roles - psychotherapeutic. In order for intra-family communication to be called successful, it must meet a number of requirements. American psychologist Vaclavik formulates the following conditions for the success of inter-family communication between spouses:

1) openness, that is, the absence of something that spouses, for some fundamental reason, hide from each other;

2) confirmation of each other's self-assessments in the course of communication, that is, communication in the family should contribute to the formation of a more positive self-image for each of the partners;

3) constant intensive discussion with each other about what everyone thinks and feels;

4) the adequacy of the situation, which means that spousal communication should have many different forms, but at the same time how exactly the spouses will communicate at the moment should be determined by the specific situation.

But these characteristics are far from being exhaustive, because interpersonal communication between spouses is a complex and ambiguous process.

Let us dwell briefly on its most important features and components. First of all, it should be noted that communication in the family proceeds according to certain rules, which are quite specific and usually not recognized by the spouses, at least completely. They determine what partners talk about with each other, which topics are taboo, who is the first to address the other, who asks more often, and who orders, and so on. These features of interpersonal communication are usually formed in the first year of marriage of spouses and are difficult to change and correct in the future. (According to some reports, the style of communication of spouses with each other in a pair is a characteristic even more stable than the individual style of communication of each of them.)

The more often successful interpersonal communication between spouses, the better their interpersonal relationships in general. This means that happy couples quite often talk and evaluate the conversations as "truly sincere", confidential, which are for them a vivid evidence of their unity and mutual understanding.

In successful marriages through interpersonal communication, spouses constantly confirm their similarity in the perception of marital roles, as well as the positions they occupy in the family as a whole, and the functions and responsibilities that each of them performs on a daily basis.

The most important characteristic of a successful marital relationship is the deep understanding between spouses. This means that the partner accepts and does not condemn the views and behavior of the other, even if it does not correspond to his own in everything, he does not need to explain something in himself to the other or make excuses.

The communication between spouses is the more successful, the more mutual empathy they show in it. There is no doubt that without empathy, sympathy, complicity, successful interpersonal communication between spouses is impossible.

Of course, these parameters cannot be called equivalent. Some of them characterize the features of the very process of successful communication: mutual understanding, trust, etc. Others describe what should appear in the course of this successful communication: empathy, similarity, and so on. But it is difficult to clearly draw the line between them, especially since in real situations almost all of these parameters manifest themselves simultaneously.

In a true sense, the art of love is about the ability to give joy.

And this is no coincidence. The psychological laws of reinforcement are quite applicable to love, according to which an action that is not positively reinforced in an emotional plan is displaced from the behavioral repertoire. And from this it follows that, firstly, the preservation of love is unthinkable without actions in which it would manifest itself (of course, so that it could be seen by another). Secondly, all these actions should be noticed in time by those at whom they are directed, and, accordingly, positively evaluated.

It was found that in most cases the cause of psychological disorders in family life, violations of the harmony of intimate relationships was the usual violation of interpersonal (not only sexual!) Communication. More often than not, the emotional communication distance chosen by one of the partners did not correspond to the distance that the other partner needed to feel psychological comfort. Moreover, the need for close emotional distance is higher in women.

It should be borne in mind that psychologically female sexuality is more emotionally expressive in comparison with the subject-instrumental, so to speak, style of a man. Women appreciate the emotional side of relationships more and need more to feel loved, one and only.

R. Neubert gives useful advice to husbands in his "New Book on Marriage". In his opinion, most women “love with their ears,” and therefore the spouse should not hesitate to repeat to his wife several times a day that she is the sweetest, most charming, most beautiful. Women will gladly listen to this, even though they know that these words should not be taken too seriously. Even if the wife is a prosecutor, writes Neubert, then even then she will hear with deep satisfaction six times a day that she is “the best”. You just need to periodically change the form of compliments: for example, "I didn't tell you today that you look wonderful?" She, of course, will say no, even if she heard it only fifteen minutes ago, he needs to immediately correct his omission.

The art of another seducer consists precisely in the knowledge of this weakness of women and the ability to use it. At the same time, writes Neubert, a woman can perfectly understand that this man is a flatterer, a flatter, that he himself does not believe what he says, but ... Women love with their ears.

Alienation is the beginning of the crisis

When people get married, they usually believe that their relationship will be based on mutual trust. We tell a loved one about everything, we confess to him of grievances and grievances, we share our joys with him. Naturally, with such closeness, not only physical betrayal is perceived as a violation of the obligations assumed.

A family secret told to someone, the use of knowledge of the latent weaknesses of a spouse, ridicule are experienced no less hard than betrayal, and maybe even harder. Each such case lays like a stone in the foundation of future alienation.

It is in alienation that lies the reason for most adultery. People can continue to live together, but in reality they have already dispersed and alone are experiencing important events for themselves. Naturally, such a state of "internal divorce" does not appear suddenly. Gradually, many begin to look at the life partner as a familiar piece of furniture. It seems that they already know him so well that there is nothing to try, that you can do without gentle words and gestures, that you don’t have to worry about every day going well, so that physical intimacy is accompanied by love ... This process goes unnoticed, and only a catastrophe reveals the depth of the arisen mutual alienation.

Unfortunately, many marriages that are considered to be successful, in fact, are not, turning into a monotonous coexistence. Women tend to blame their husbands for this. Yes, he takes care of the house, loves children, but he seems to have forgotten that his wife is still a woman. He does not show interest in her ... The wife is convinced that her husband sees in her only service personnel. Dissatisfaction with such a life gives rise to disappointment, leads to nervous breakdowns ... or to another man.

But often the woman is to blame for this herself. For outsiders, she is diligently dressed, tinted, lively. For loved ones, for her husband - she is tired, irritated, in a shabby dressing gown. It happens that a woman herself forgets that she is a woman. When her husband invites her to go somewhere, she refuses - after all, so many things have accumulated at home. In such a marriage, a man lives with a tired housewife who knows nothing but hard labor, to which she has sentenced herself. And for sure she quietly hates this work, and quietly begins to hate her husband.

Love and hate generally live in close proximity: loving something, in our opinion, good, we are imbued with hatred for everything that prevents this good from being the best (truly, the best is the enemy of the good). Bernard Shaw seems to be saying, “My wife is a wonderful, wonderful woman, a very good person. And she would be the perfect wife if she didn't constantly try to make an angel out of me. "

Another writer, André Maurois, in his Letters to a Stranger, advises women seeking to re-educate their spouses, to remake them in their own way, to mitigate their efforts (and the torment of their husbands) with praise, just as a sculptor moistens clay before it hardens under his fingers. This is necessary, he says, that a man seeks in love, in a family, in his "cave" for trust and refuge. But with constant criticism (especially harsh), his abode becomes for him full of threats and restrictions, and he will be forced - at home! - to defend. “At first, if he is very in love, he will endure it, try to correct himself, then, inevitably returning to his true self, he will curse his mentor. His love will shake and fade away, he will begin to hate a woman, perhaps, who has robbed him of his most precious asset - faith in himself. So, through the fault of too inexperienced women in the family, a secret anger arises. "

One thirty-year-old man spent a year counting the reproaches he heard from his wife. It turned out 1100 reproaches. About three reproaches a day. Their content was quite varied: “I went wrong, I came in the wrong way, I don’t dress like that, I shaved the wrong way, and I didn’t make money like that.” Interestingly, the wife contradicted herself many times. For her, the main thing was not that her husband learned how to tightly close the tube of toothpaste or turn off the light in the bathroom - the process of nagging was important for her.

The institution of the family has one drawback: even a bad family remains a family.

The family is by no means a safe for storing love, not a nest for endless gentle cooing. Family relationships very often, too often kill love, and, which is typical, often it is done in the name of love, for the sake of love. I saw a comic strip in a French magazine: in the first picture, a wife approaches her husband, who is sitting in an armchair and reading a newspaper. On the second - she overturns the chair and the husband flies to the floor. In the third, she kicks him in the jaw, in the fourth, she runs into his stomach with a running run, in the fifth, she hits him on the head with a mop, in the sixth, she hits him on the back, in the seventh picture, the husband is crawling on the floor with a rag in his hands, and the wife is standing next to him and supervises the work, on the eighth - he goes to work with a briefcase. In the ninth picture, the wife leans out the door and shouts after him: "You could kiss me goodbye!"

It doesn't matter that the characters could be swapped, the proprietary logic remains the same: the partner-owner, the partner-dictator is firmly convinced that half of them must love him, be faithful and consider themselves blessed.

The inability to "grind" characters, to give in in small things, to put up with certain manners and habits of a partner, the inability to reasonably build a family budget, and so on - all this accumulates, sometimes slowly but always inevitably, a load of disappointment, irritation, fatigue that kill love, tenderness, admiration for each other. And without love, the family can turn into a burden, into chains that encourage one to get rid of them, correct the “mistake”, and look for another option for organizing personal life. As a rule, by this time the family already has a child (or even more than one), love for him and a sense of duty become an insurmountable wall on the way to divorce.

And where are the guarantees that everything will not repeat itself in the new family?

So the spouses have no choice. There is only one real way out of all the dead ends of family life - to try to be able to keep love. We need deliberate, purposeful efforts, special measures, we need a special methodology, we need tactics and a strategy for family life.

Marital tactics and strategy

American satirist Ambrose Beers has defined family relationships as "a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves." Married people live in legitimate relationships of intimacy, and the strongest feelings that drive these people are love and hate. Anger and hate are usually considered to be the opposite of love. Psychologist Everett Shostrom considers this opposition to be ridiculous and argues that conflicts between spouses are not only inevitable, but also necessary. Let's try to figure it out.

In family relationships, the problem of aggression is one of the most important. There are several reasons for aggression.

Hostility. It is negative and destructive. It’s not even a feeling, but an attitude, and it disconnects. In marriage, hostility is expressed in sidelong glances, deliberate silence and sarcasm.

Anger. A very valuable, according to Shostrom, feeling, and an excellent way to create contact. Anger is akin to feeling sympathetic, intermingled with caring. Anger does not destroy relationships; on the contrary, it knocks down the barriers that prevent people from contacting each other. To be angry from time to time is to love and crave contact. Without anger, love stagnates and contact is lost.

Guilt. This is a negative feeling, at first glance, directed towards oneself. Is not it? Ninety percent of guilt is actually latent hostility towards others. Few can take responsibility for these or those undesirable consequences. The subtext is very often the exact opposite: “I shouldn't have done this” translates as “You shouldn't have allowed me to do (do)”.

Since guilt tends to contain a lot of hostility and hypocrisy, it can be said that admitting guilt is a covert attempt to criticize others. Among other things, expression of guilt directs hostility inward, and therefore destroys the personality.

Resentment. Ninety percent of the resentment is vengeance in disguise. When they say: “I am so offended!”, As a rule, they feel a desire to take revenge. Family relationships without mutual grievances are almost impossible. Moreover, resentment is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. You just need to understand once and for all: in a family conflict it is not at all necessary to win.

Then the conflict can become fertile soil on which the right solution can grow.

When pain and resentment are sufficiently expressed and deeply felt, a person has every opportunity for growth. Marriage is not and should not be a society of people defending themselves from each other. And spouses have every moral right to hurt each other from time to time. It is only important to understand that our attacks provoke a backlash, and attacks in married life, as a rule, come from the fact that our partner is offended.

Hatred. It is frozen hostility. To hate is to bind your own energy. It is very wasteful in relation to its internal resources. In order not to destroy oneself with hatred, it should be turned into anger that promotes contact. If this cannot be done, nervous breakdowns will not take long.

Criticality. This is a clear negativity that can be expressed with feeling, or maybe without feeling, unemotionally, dimly. Criticism is often cowardly because it doesn't always release emotion. Criticism that is allowed to pour out with feeling helps to create contact. Criticism without feeling comes down to simple spitting. It is sometimes difficult to discern the cause of her anxiety behind the usual grumbling of his wife. Essentially, criticality is a substitute for emotion. You can avoid it again by giving an outlet to anger.

Care. You can break off contact either physically (leave), or offended (pout), or by silence. But running away from conflict never solves the problem - both sides feel incomplete, and such a conflict can smolder for a very long time. Sometimes for years.

Indifference. The absence of any kind of feeling (and this is what we call indifference) unequivocally speaks of a lack of care and is detrimental to family relations. Indifference kills marriage. As long as the spouses were dominated by hostility, hatred, anger, their relationship was still alive. When indifference came, the marriage died.

Healthy conflict

Conflict arises from the difference in needs and goals of different people who interact. In order to avoid conflict situations, you need to be like two peas in a pod to be similar to each other. Even Siamese twins are in conflict, let alone spouses! So let's agree that conflict in human relations is inevitable. Moreover, it is necessary. Marital struggles in creative conflict almost always lead to creative solutions.

Healthy family relationships are relationships in which creative struggle and conflict are present more often than not. A living, working relationship necessarily leads to conflict, and therefore to growth. Love does not mean there is no struggle. Those who love each other need to fight from time to time, otherwise they will begin to suffocate. However, most people believe that in a marital relationship, they should be rational, logical and avoid showing strong feelings. They try to convince each other that they are right with the help of facts, arguments, examples, and not with the help of feelings.

In fact, the fear that prevents us from getting angry or crying is the fear of possible resentment, or even the fear of being abandoned. People are so afraid of this that they can endlessly deny their natural hostile feelings. As a result, they are unable to rise above petty quibbles on trivial reasons, and this inevitably leads to neuroses. Do not be afraid of strong feelings - treat them as the norm of married life!

Learn to express yourself, your feelings. And remember - the goal of an argument should not be to win. The purpose of the dispute is to express your self.

Five rules of the dispute

1. In an argument, try to side with your partner and "anticipate" his next remark. Say: "I understand that you ..." - followed by his alleged point of view and your objections. Then the emotional swing of your partner will dramatically change the position, and he will stop clinging to his point of view, will cease to consider it the only possible one.

2. Take the other's ideas seriously. Remember, this is a great opportunity to expand your knowledge or replace a dilapidated installation.

3. Appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. Respect his tastes and interests. Remember that your differences are your strength, for they are the best driver of growth for both of you.

4. Continue the conversation until everyone (everyone!) Feels better. Any conflict is caused by internal tension, and the main goal is to let the feelings be released, even if this is accompanied by screaming, squealing, and tears. "When dirty water splashes out, there is room for clean and fresh water."

5. Always leave enough time for family conversation. You must speak out and give the other person the opportunity to speak out. Otherwise, an unpleasant sediment will remain on the soul, and this is like a tumor that was not completely removed, leaving a small piece to rot in the body. An argument brought to an end is the best cure for insomnia.

All this is so obvious, it suggests itself. We just need to believe that our feelings are natural and worthy of expression.

Respect for your spouse's just resentment, for his right to express this resentment, even if you disagree with his arguments, is the basis of a healthy marriage.

Shostrom ends his “applied conflictology” with two lists.

Destructive fighting styles

1. Premature apologies.

2. Refusal to take the fight seriously.

3. Flight, the desire to avoid face-to-face confrontation, attempts to get out of the situation, for example, go to bed or keep silent in response to reproaches or complaints.

4. Striking below the belt (using intimate knowledge about the partner).

5. Chain reaction: "mixing" irrelevant issues in order to organize an attack.

6. Choice of pseudo-adaptive tactics: pretend that you agree with the point of view of your partner for the sake of a short-term peace, and for the same to drive deep doubts, resentment and the like.

7. An indirect attack, for example, on someone or something dear to a partner, is a rebound.

8. It is hypocrisy to make promises but not make any attempt to keep them.

9. An attempt to explain the origin of the partner's feelings.

10. Demanding more than a partner can give.

11. "Digging", that is, deliberately creating in a partner a feeling of emotional insecurity, concern or anxiety.

12. Betrayal. In a difficult situation for a partner, not only do not take his side, but also join the attacks on him.

Constructive wrestling styles

1. Schedule the fight for a dedicated time so as not to involve innocent others in the fight.

2. Strive to fully express your feelings, both positive and negative. Do not leave anything for your soul, "for later."

3. Repeat each argument of the spouse in your own words, so that he himself is imbued with his problems and so that he hears his claims from the outside.

4. Clearly define the subject of the struggle.

5. Try to immediately identify where your points of view diverge and where they coincide.

6. Try to determine how deeply each of you felt your "fight" in the struggle. This will help you understand how much you can concede.

7. Be extremely correct when criticizing your partner, and be sure to supplement your criticism with constructive suggestions for improving your partner and yourself.

8. Determine how each of you can help the other in solving the problem.

9. Try to evaluate the struggle by comparing the new knowledge you learned from it with the wounds it inflicted on you. The winner, of course, is the one whose losses are significantly less than new knowledge.

10. Be sure to take breaks from the fight and fill them with something very enjoyable for yourself. Warm body contact, good sex, and so on will do.

11. Always be ready for a new stage of the struggle - the intimate struggle is more or less continuous. It is paradoxical, but a fact - if it is expected and treated as normal, this struggle proceeds faster, more harmlessly, with fewer sacrifices and with the acquisition of new knowledge.

Family in a standardized world

The German physician and sociologist Joachim Bodamer, having collected and summarized a huge amount of material, created in his book “The Modern Man. His Appearance and Psychology ”- a portrait of the average representative of the stronger sex of the“ technical era ”.

The modern man thinks like a technocrat. He is willingly ready to take responsibility for the organization and success of production, but he is afraid of responsibility for another person. His desire to evade the duty of a father and mentor is rooted primarily in the fact that the child is a living being, whose reactions are sometimes impossible to foresee. A modern man is rarely capable of friendship, limiting himself only to friendly relations. He does not feel any responsibility for the state of mind of the woman who surrendered to him - a woman for whom his masculinity is above all important.

Never before has a man been more inventive, more energetic in obtaining material wealth, never before has his technical audacity manifested itself so effectively, and nevertheless, a woman increasingly responds to this technical feat with one phrase: "There are no more real men ..."

Traditional masculine virtues, such as a sense of honor, nobility, generosity and decency, have become unnecessary for a modern man.

Technological consciousness has made the modern man incapable of experiencing spiritual and emotional attachment to a woman.

Nowadays, more and more people are beginning to look at love "soberly", "without sentimentality", extremely biologizing love. It turns out simply and convincingly, like in Ilf and Petrov: “The bull hums with passion. The rooster does not find a place for himself. The leader of the nobility loses his appetite ... ”Before the powerful instinct of procreation, everyone is equal, and love is a temporary clouding of reason on the basis of sexual dissatisfaction. A sort of softening of the brain. And all the talk about the exclusivity of the chosen one, about the impossibility of living without him - things are purely hormonal.

If Romeo and Juliet were united in marriage, Juliet would probably very soon turn into an ordinary, not very smart, grumpy wife, overeat sweets, nag the servants, gossip with neighbors ... But Romeo could decide that he mistakenly took a hobby for love that he and Juliet did not get along in character, he would start to disappear at feasts, on the hunt, and hang around in the evenings under other people's balconies ... Or maybe I would go to the pharmacist for poison.

There were no divorces.

Anyone want to argue? And how can you argue here when such metamorphoses constantly occur before our eyes. This means that "the union of two souls", "marriages are made in heaven" and other unearthly gadgets are nothing more than a peacock's tail, a bright plumage in which a simple sexual desire is dressed. Here are the calculations of French scientists, which show how unconvincing theories about "the only", "narrowed by the sky", "two halves", wandering around the world in search of each other are. If the “only one” is lost among 50 million French people (not to mention other peoples), the probability of accidentally meeting him is roughly one chance in 25 million. Nevertheless, few French women and French are deprived of love. To find your mate, it turns out, it is not at all necessary to sort out one and a half billion of the opposite sex. Love is capable of making a person, chosen from a narrow circle of acquaintances, "the only one", "betrothed" and "given by God." An analysis of 1,700 families showed, in particular, that 6 out of 10 couples lived in the same house before they met, 7 out of 10 - in the same block, 8 out of 10 - in one district and 9 out of 10 - in one department. This means that each of us chooses "his soul mate" from a very small, limited number of people who make up our immediate environment. It is estimated that, on average, each person is surrounded by no more than 20–40 persons of the opposite sex and age suitable for marriage. It turns out that if I change my place of residence, study, work, then I will be surrounded by another 20-40 people. There can be at least a million options, and the choice will almost always be made.

This means that any choice, even the most successful, is nothing more than a lottery. Lucky case? In fact, there are very few so-called "insurmountable obstacles" that would prevent two people from understanding and falling in love with each other.

The phenomenon of love also lies in the fact that it is absolutely impossible to determine why we love a person (except for Vasisualy Lokhankin, who loved Varvara “for his big white chest and service”).

“It is impossible to deny the influence of moral qualities on the feeling of love, but when they love a person, they love him all, not as an idea, but as a living person; they especially love in him what they cannot define or name, ”wrote Belinsky. The same Belinsky noticed that if a man knows exactly why he loves a woman, then he does not love her.

According to the fair opinion of psychologist Y. Orlov, in the most general sense, love relationships are actions directed at another person, when the lover experiences joy and satisfaction, bringing joy to the object of his love or reducing his suffering. The purpose of love and loving relationships is not to obtain selfish satisfaction, but to experience joy through the joy of another person; pleasure through the reflected pleasure of another. This means that the formula of love itself is quite simple: if I feel good about what is good for you, if I want you to feel better, I do it, I love you. If another person in his relationship to me is guided by this formula, then he loves me.

This means that love is based on an effective focus on its object, in which actions and feelings are closely interconnected. Love that does not manifest itself in actions, living within you as a certain “thing in itself” cannot make anyone happy, and even more so it will not evoke a feeling or support what is already there. The gap between feeling and action, the refusal to reinforce their feelings with real behavior will inevitably lead to disharmony. If love lives only in the closed world of your consciousness, without manifesting itself effectively, it will not be perceived as such and may even cause suffering to your loved one.

As the French say, marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. The relationship between two people cannot be the same all the time. We are changing, and our family relationships are developing with us. Everything is not always smooth in the family, but as long as people love each other, they try to do everything to make their marriage happy. There is no one-size-fits-all recipe for maintaining a married relationship. But at the same time, family psychologists pay attention to the basic rules of a happy family life, observing which you can avoid many sharp corners and make your marriage stronger.

How to keep love in marriage

"A good marriage rests on talent and friendship" (F. Nietzsche)

Husbands and wives should become close friends. It is wrong to marry just because there is a sexual attraction between a man and a woman. After a few years, vivid feelings fade away, and emotions calm down. And then the only thing that remains for passionate lovers is life, work and children. But none of the above can save a marriage. It is much better if people are connected by something more - a joint hobby, similar hobbies, or even a common business. The main thing is that the spouses have something to talk about in addition to discussing the issues of washing dishes, cleaning the apartment and raising children.

“In a good family, a husband and wife forget that they are lovers during the day, and that they are spouses at night” (J. Rostand)

It is believed that over time, spouses get used to each other, and the passion and romance that were at the very beginning of the relationship fade away. But you don't need to think that after three years of married life you will start sleeping under different blankets at different ends of the bed. Couples who originally had strong love and passion find a way to maintain a romantic relationship over the years. Feelings really calm down, but a reverent attitude, tenderness and affection towards each other should always be in a harmonious married couple.

"Happy is the marriage in which one half snores and the other does not hear" (Don-Aminado)

The answer to the question of how to save a marriage lies in the ability not to notice the shortcomings of your soulmate. Don't get hung up on the little things. Treat each other's mistakes with humor. The cutlets do not always come out tasty, and the nails are not always hammered evenly, but this is not the most important thing. Treat each other's weaknesses with condescension, it is better to focus on the merits. And then, over time, everything will become perfect. The main thing is to live up to this moment, keeping love and warmth in the family.

"Marriage is an agreement, the terms of which are reviewed and approved anew on a daily basis" (B. Bardo)

Be sure to talk to each other. Discuss everything that is important to you. Learn to speak calmly and listen more. You do not need to put pressure on your soul mate, express your claims in an aggressive manner, or threaten to break up. If you constantly discuss everything that bothers you, I assure you, you will not have to do this. You will not accumulate the negative that is able to unbalance you. Just train yourself to voice the problem as soon as it appears. And then you will have more time and opportunity to fix everything.

“To get married means to halve your rights and double your responsibilities” (A. Schopenhauer)

By entering into marriage, people really take on certain obligations in relation to the newly created family. But this does not mean that the husband and wife should literally dissolve in this union without a trace. Spouses have certain obligations to financially support the family, upbringing and education of children, but each of them still has the right to self-realization, personal growth and development. You do not need to completely abandon your interests for the sake of the family. Otherwise, all that you will have left after the children grow up are broken dreams and shattered hopes. The family should be a support for new achievements. Family relationships should give a person energy, and not take all the strength and time. Achieve personal success in your career or sports, and then you can truly respect yourself and be an authority for your children.

"Marriage opens your eyes to how to learn how to close them" (L. Sukhorukov)

No need to try to control your soul mate. Family members must respect each other's privacy. The spouses' attempt to control each other's actions will not lead to anything good. Family life is built on trust. It is also important to consider the wishes and requests of a loved one. In our life, crises and depression are not uncommon. Sometimes it can be very difficult to deal with them. And only the wisdom and understanding of a loved one, condescension to weaknesses, a sincere desire to understand and help can give strength to change the situation for the better. Pressure and rudeness in this case will only aggravate the crisis.

“Lovers try to hide their flaws, while spouses too often show them to each other” (P. Buast)

Family life is not only about pots, pans and diapers. You don’t have to let everyday life take up all of your personal space. It is completely wrong to believe that old sweatpants or a washed-out robe that you shouldn't throw away can be worn at home. Taking care during illness, providing support in difficult times, spouses really see each other sometimes in an unsightly way and not with the most pleasant emotions. But after everything is left behind, you need to be able to return to family life the positive and the joy of communicating with each other.

“You can forgive treason, but you can’t take offense” (A. Akhmatova)

Many people are looking for an answer to the question of how to preserve marriage after infidelity, believing that anything happens in life, and infidelity is not a reason to leave. But is it worth keeping a marriage in which one of their spouses behaved so low? If you still want this, you will have to overcome the feeling of hatred and pain in yourself from the betrayal of a loved one, and then forgive everything and try to forget as soon as possible.

Family life is difficult. And making a marriage happy is a whole art. But never and never believe that love is passing! You love your parents all your life and always take care of your children. This means that love does not evaporate anywhere, you just need to be able to preserve it.

The relationship between a man and a woman never freezes in place. Falling in love replaces passion, followed by affection, respect and love in the broadest sense of the word. The feeling of love is described by poets and prose writers of different times and continents, it is multifaceted, has an infinite number of shades. Not surprisingly, search engines on the Internet give out hundreds of thousands of definitions of this concept.

Over time, couples in love begin to think about how to preserve love in marriage, because the brightest feelings that were at the beginning of a heartfelt friendship no longer excite the blood so intensely.

Gone are sleepless nights and "butterflies in the stomach", they were replaced by regularity, warmth of gentle embraces, constancy. And this is not bad, but on the contrary, of course. But if the passion and stormy excitement of the time in love gave way to apathy, indifference and mutual resentment, it is worth thinking about how to preserve the love of a man.

A separate question is how to keep love at a distance. It often happens that life forces partners to stay for a long time away from each other. In such a situation, it is more difficult to maintain a close connection, help and lend a shoulder in difficult times. In this situation, it is important to think over all the little things in communication, not to miss the implicit nuances that can subsequently destroy the relationship.

what is the task?

Do you need to think about how to keep a man's love? Maybe the true feeling does not need to be analyzed? It would seem that live and enjoy, and if the bonds are fragile, then sooner or later the couple will break up, despite the partners' efforts to preserve the marriage. It turns out that working on relationships is a must!

Many divorces of young families happen due to banal everyday troubles. The first passions pass, the grinding-in period comes, when both spouses have to make certain compromises, give up not very important principles, thereby smoothing out the rough edges.

If you do not consciously approach the issue, leave everything to chance, then sooner or later a lump of grievances and problems will accumulate: he cannot take out the trash, refuses to go to the theater with her, did not congratulate his parents on their anniversary.

Or in another way: she did not want to cook dinner, refused to evaluate his new collection of helicopters, threw a tantrum when he wanted to meet friends in the men's company. All these little things are solvable, you just need to be attentive to your partner and hide your egoism away. Keeping love in your relationship Think about your marriage, take care of your partner, reflect on your behavior, and don't ask too much of your boyfriend. After all, the wisdom has long been known: “we see a speck in someone else’s eye, we don’t notice a speck in our own log”.

what do they have in common?

In order for the relationship to last long and successfully, young people must have common life goals, similar ideas about the future, consistent basic aspirations. If a guy sees himself, say, in politics, is ready to build a career 24 hours a day, this is his choice. The girl next to him should be clearly aware that she cannot and should not change him. If she truly loves, then she accepts the values ​​and goals of her partner.

There should be no disagreement on this basis.

For example, it is naive to expect that after the wedding a young husband will forget about his workaholism and exchange work for daily gatherings with friends or leisurely evening walks with his wife.

You need to initially ask yourself a number of questions before deciding on a long-term serious relationship:

• What do I want to achieve in life? What are my goals? Will this man help me achieve them?
• What is the guy dreaming about? What are his main passions and unbreakable principles?
• Am I ready to accept my partner as he is? Do his habits suit me?

If you analyze the situation as calmly as possible, it becomes clear whether the couple will be able to maintain love, and how the relationship will develop in the future.

work on yourself

It is naive to believe that if a man fell in love with his future beauty spouse, then this is sure to be forever. Unfortunately, many girls, after marriage, lose their vigilance and stop caring for themselves.

This concerns not only the appearance (remember the type of jokes - a wife with curlers in her hair and a dressing gown), but also the development of a woman as a person.

Wise ladies know how to keep love in marriage. You need to constantly strive for more and better: develop new skills, improve those that already exist, from time to time look for yourself in unknown areas, finally, leave your comfort zone in order to reach new heights.

Believe me, a loving man will appreciate such efforts. He will understand that next to him there is a dynamic personality for whom it is important to improve. What guy wouldn't be proud of his partner if she doesn't stand still?

This gives the man confidence that he made the right choice, strengthens the relationship and spurs the partner to new achievements. Only those couples that grow together are inseparable and strong.

The ability to be soft, reasonable, calm always comes to the aid of the senses. The wisdom of a woman lies in curbing momentary emotions, not succumbing to an impulse and coming up with the right solution to a way out of their psychological dilemma, if there is one.

The easiest way to throw a tantrum is when the husband does not behave the way his wife would like. Unfortunately or fortunately, guys very rarely react normally to women crying, stamping feet, or, even worse, broken plates.

Such incontinence repels a man, cools his feelings, makes him alert and defend himself. On the contrary, if the wife is able to pull herself together and gently guide the spouse to the decision she needs, he will appreciate it and thank you for your understanding. The next time he wants to do something nice to his wife, and not make a fight.

In a relationship, little things are extremely important: do not forget to say "thank you", make pleasant surprises and compliments, and from time to time take on the responsibilities of a partner. Such little things make up the life of a couple. If you do not put logs on the fire of passion, you can find yourself in a very unpleasant situation, up to a break in relations.

It is worth once again to do something pleasant for your beloved:

• write an SMS or send an electronic postcard;
• remotely order flowers with courier delivery;
• compose a small poem in which to tell about your feelings;
• make a collage of joint photos and send to your loved one;
• talk about how your day went, ask for advice;
• listen carefully to what is in your partner's soul, support his actions and plans;
• paint a painting in watercolor or oil and send your masterpiece;
• visit his parents if he is far away and worries about their well-being;
• sign up for fitness classes and refuse food at night - at the next meeting you will pleasantly delight the guy with your results: a slender fit figure and shed extra pounds.

Each girl can come up with many more ways to please a man, without making super-difficult efforts. The main thing is to understand the principle: you need to work on relationships, regardless of whether a loved one is nearby or temporarily lives in another city.