How to protect your child and help him defend himself. "How to protect a child from his own mother
Our expert - psychologist Sophia Shnol.
Prevent suffering
Every child has two important needs. One is that close people recognize his right to be what he is and to do what he can now. The other is in a strong, reliable rear, giving the child confidence that he is not alone, that there is someone to stand up for him. Both of these create a sense of security, allows you to direct forces towards development, and not towards survival. Safe conditions for the development of the child should be created by the adults around him, protecting not only from a direct threat to life and health, but also from anything that can traumatize him psychologically. The child should always feel that he has support.
Culture is lost
Unfortunately, our culture of protecting our children has been partially lost. Sometimes, parents find themselves in a daze when a child is attacked in front of their eyes, especially if it is done by teachers or representatives of the state, and this makes it difficult to rush to the defense at the right time. Sometimes, on the contrary, they show an exaggeratedly aggressive reaction that does not correspond to the situation. As a result, in both cases, the child is left alone. In the first, the parents actually leave him alone with someone else's aggression, in the second, they direct all their attention to resisting this aggression, forgetting to sympathize with the child. Sometimes, out of powerlessness, adults indulge in general discussions about the injustice of the world - this is another way to leave a child without support.
There are situations
The need to protect a child is not always obvious to parents. There are situations that do not raise questions - when it comes to direct physical aggression from someone else's adult. In these cases, for most of us, the animal instinct to protect the cub turns on by itself. It is more difficult when someone from the outside simply makes a remark to the child or a conflict situation arises with the person on whom the child depends (teacher, sports coach). Suddenly, an attempt to protect will only entail additional trouble, the parent thinks. If there is a run-in with another child, do I need to intervene? Finally, how to understand that the child himself needs protection?
Focus on feelings: if the child suffers, then protection is needed.
On his side
There are different ways to protect yourself: to solve a problem without a child, to do it with him, or just to discuss what is happening. It doesn't matter which one you choose. The main thing is that the child knows that you are on his side. Even if he himself is to blame for something, it is important to convey to him that you will always help him fix the situation. Your main message should be: "Whatever happens, you are ours and we are for you."
Ways to protect your child
1. If someone makes a remark to a child in front of you:
Tell this person that you do not allow strangers to raise your child, and offer to talk to you.
Keep silent, but later explain to the child that the person was wrong.
2. If there is a conflict in the school or sports section with a teacher, coach:When you do not see an opportunity for dialogue with these adults, the best way to protect yourself is to transfer your child to another school, another section. But it is important to explain this to him as a defense, so that he does not perceive the translation as a punishment for some kind of offense.
3. If your child is being stalked by other children:
A serious conversation is needed here, but not with the offenders, but with their parents.
4. In any situation:
The first step is to defend and sympathize, and postpone the debriefing and educational conversations for later.
Evgeny Orlov, producer:
- Objectivity in relation to one's own child is something from the realm of fantasy. The most important thing is to explain to children what is “good” and what is “bad”. Then there will be no need to act as any lawyer, because the child will understand whether he is doing well or not.
id = "razdel">On Tuesday at seven o'clock in the morning, a real commotion began in house 43 on Kurchatov Street. In the shared kitchen of the block on the ground floor, the cleaning lady found a one-year-old child sleeping in a crib. The kid did not react to loud sounds and anxious screams of neighbors.
CHILDREN'S IN THE COMMON KITCHEN
The first floor of dormitories on Kurchatov Street consists of a large hall and small corridors-"sections" that run from it in different directions, in which rooms are located. In each section there is one common kitchen, this place in almost all sections resembles a walk-through courtyard. In the same compartment there is a toilet, which is used by residents from other floors, and the cleaning lady Galina keeps her inventory there.
One day Galina came to work and found that the door to the room was literally walled up, the woman began to knock on different doors and went into the common kitchen, where she found a peacefully sleeping baby. One of the hotplates on the stove has been switched on. In the lobby of the first floor of this house, warm companies gather almost every evening, and the smoke is like a rocker. It is simply unthinkable to assume that someone might leave a child nearby unattended. But the neighbors assure that this is not the first time they have seen such a picture.
Mother and child do not go outside at all, but simply leaves the baby in the kitchen and goes about their business. But no one heard the crying or the voice of the child: "It feels like he was drunk or drugged with something!" - the neighbors express their suspicion.
The cleaning lady reported the incident to Natalya TKACHENKO, the eldest at the entrance, and the women began to call all phones, including journalists.
GIRL WITH A LARGE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE THE CHILDREN COME FROM?
In the company of four women, we are going to look for the parents of the baby. Young people awakened by visitors wake up with difficulty, the man jumps up and takes the child, who still does not react to external stimuli. A woman, without getting out of bed, wonders why she is being prevented from sleeping.
- Do you know that you cannot leave a child unattended?- we ask mom.
Do you know that I have three more children in Moscow registered in a room 12 meters long? - the young mother asks with an incomprehensible claim.
Well, we didn’t put them there for you, ”the inhabitants of the science city assured the Muscovite.
And how old are you? - the public is interested.
23 years old, - the girl answers.
Probably, by this age, the mother of many children did not know where the children came from, and believes that some chopped stork is throwing them into her apartment.
A juvenile inspector was called to her house to explain her parenting responsibilities to her mother. However, somehow it is hard to believe that this story can end well.
MOTHER MATTERS AND FIGHTS
You will have to protect the child from the mother in another case. A fifth-grader came to the Lyceum with bruises and abrasions on her hands and knees. The teachers sounded the alarm and learned that the girl had been beaten by her own mother. School officials immediately reported the incident to the police.
It turned out that the 32-year-old mother, having returned home drunk, began to beat the girl for no reason. The grandmother, who was present at the execution, could not calm down her adult daughter, the mother only cursed and beat her daughter in the face, hands and feet.
At present, a check is being carried out in the department for juvenile affairs of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia in the city of Obninsk.
MINOR GIRL SENT TO HOMELAND
Compared to previous cases, the fact that a 15-year-old native of Tajikistan from a large family does not attend school for several months is no longer particularly outrageous. However, according to Russian law, violation of a child's right to receive an education entails liability in accordance with applicable law.
The girl could not go to school due to the fact that she was not registered in Obninsk. This became known in the course of joint events by the officers of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia in the city of Obninsk and the Federal Migration Service in the Kaluga region in the city of Obninsk.
As reported in the press service of the Obninsk police: “The lack of registration in the actions of parents entailed responsibility for the parents' failure to fulfill their obligations to educate the child and receive an education. In accordance with Art. 5.36 of the Administrative Code of the Russian Federation, they were brought to administrative responsibility. The material was sent for a decision to the Commission on Juvenile Affairs. After that, this family will return to their homeland, where the girl will be able to continue her studies. "
Renata BELICH
class = "anons_cont">"The boys made fun of me today and called me baby when I put on a new hat!" Sophia said to her mother through her tears. “I sat at my desk and just listened to how they were making fun of me, I couldn’t say anything. I’m very offended now,” Sofia finished her story.
"Masha liked my new pen, and she took it. She said she will give it back when she wants!" - Anya complained to her mother crying.
We are talking about children who are not subjected to any kind of violence at home, but who, due to their personal qualities, cannot stand up for themselves. Modest and kind children who are afraid of offending someone, who cannot say "no", who do not know how to defend their boundaries, who find it difficult to defend themselves.
As a rule, such children are targets for all sorts of aggressors in kindergarten, school or gymnasium.
How can you help your child cope with this and protect him?
First.
The child must know and feel that there is strength behind him (parent, family, brother or sister), must clearly understand that he will be helped and stood up for him. After all, there is nothing more terrible than feeling your weakness, weakness and loneliness.
Children are very adept at reading information and notice who brings or takes this or another child. They look at what kind of dad, what kind of mom, brother or sister and how they treat him. Therefore, you can make your own impression on children, which will help your child to build relationships with others.
As a rule, it is impossible to influence the parents of the abuser. No matter how many pedagogical conversations are held with them, the situation does not change and the offender continues to offend or beat your child. What to do in this case?
Prepare a short phrase in advance, which should be clearly formulated in a language understandable to the abusive child, according to his age. This phrase does not threaten his life, but at the same time it can make it clear that your child is protected.
Empty phrases:
"it's not good to beat girls"; "you can't rummage through someone else's portfolio"; "it's not good to hit on the head, take away pencils"; "it's not good to hide another child's hat or mitten."
All these phrases do not work, dear parents! The offender must clearly understand that your child should not be offended, otherwise they will intercede for him!
Second.
Teach your child to assert their boundaries.
A child is not obligated to share his things if he does not want to do so. He needs to learn how to protect his property: toys, clothes, school supplies, accessories (hairpins, combs, elastic bands, books, pencils, chains, bracelets).
Children get their first experience in the sandbox: "Don't be greedy! Share your paddle with the girl"; "Treat me with your candy"; "You are brother and sister, so you have to share everything with each other" - say mom and dad.
If the child does not share, the parents label the child and call him greedy, and sometimes physically punish him. As a result, the child develops a fear of being left alone or being rejected: "If I don't give her my bracelet or doll, then she won't play or be friends with me."
What is the right thing to do in such cases?
It is necessary to make the child understand what I am: my mold, my elastic band, my spatula, my candy, my food, my backpack, my book, my chain, my boyfriend, my girlfriend. A child doesn't have to share if he doesn't want to. It is necessary to defend your property if someone encroaches on it.
If the child wants what the other has, then it is necessary to make an exchange: to give something of his own and ask for what he wants to receive from the other.
Also teach your child to declare that he doesn’t like or want to do something. In cases when a child is forced to do something against his will: "go pull her hair"; "give me this doll, and I will be friends with you"; "spit in his notebook"; "hide her hat in the closet, and I'll stand on the naughty"; "touch my penis" - you must answer with key phrases:
- "I do not want to do this",
- "I don't want you to do this to me",
- "I don't want you to take this",
- "I do not like this".
It is important to immediately seek help from a teacher or teacher, a security guard or an ambulance, to your parents, and not to hush up the conflict with the usual: "Oh well, it will somehow settle down."
Third.
Teach and learn with your child to observe the people around you.
In situations where a child cannot find communication in a new team and suffers from this, encourage him to observe the children in a group or class. Surely there are children with whom the majority plays. Analyze with your child why this is happening.
Surely this girl or boy has interested other children in some kind of exciting game or their skills (for example, drawing or a toy). Think with your child or give him the opportunity to come up with a new game and, when you come to kindergarten or school, start playing this game on your own or with a single companion (who can always be found).
As a rule, other children will begin to approach and be interested, perhaps all together will come up with a continuation of the game, in the process of which new friendships will be formed.
Fourth and last.
Help your child to develop some of his ability, where he can express himself and feel his CAN. If the child feels his capabilities, his strength (intellectual, artistic or physical), he will increase self-esteem and self-worth.
By observing these 4 easy rules, you will help your child become stronger, more confident, brave and teach him to protect himself at any period of his life, as well as acquire a trusting relationship with your child!
Good day! Can you please tell me how you can protect yourself from the negativity of your parents? Due to the circumstances, 2 months ago I returned to the parental apartment. I feel worse every day. I feel strong negativity from my mother, reproaches, complaints about trifles, ill will. After talking with her, I feel bad, my head hurts. I understand that this is vampirism. I go to church every day, I receive communion once every 2 weeks, it becomes easier in the church, but returning home, everything returns. She does not go to church, she does not read prayers, the gospel. It is impossible to persuade her or her sister to give the Holy Communion to her niece. They postpone all the time. My mother teaches me that God should be in my soul, and I don't need to go to church.)) I believe that they are subject to the influence of demons, because I have not seen anything positive from them, although other people are drawn to me. Despondency constantly visits, although this has never happened before. Please help me with advice on how to protect myself, all the time when I see her, I read prayers. Can I give up this relationship and consider them strangers? Olga.
Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko answers:
Hello Olga!
You can protect yourself from negativity only by sincere love for your parents. Let me remind you that the Apostle Paul wrote about love: “Love is longsuffering, merciful, love does not envy, love is not exalted, is not proud, does not rage, does not seek its own, does not get irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; Covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything. Love never ends". Now, if you love your parents so much, you simply will not feel any negativity from them - it will dissolve in your love. Refusal from your parents will not only show a complete lack of love on your part, but also become a grave sin that will affect your life. "Honor your father and mother and you will be blessed," says the commandment of God. If you, an Orthodox Christian, do not have love, then you need to ardently repent of this, ask the Lord for help. In relations with parents, you need to try to be more attentive to their needs, because very often reproaches for trifles only show that a loved one needs our attention and care, they simply cannot show it in another way. In addition, if your relationship with your mother and sister changes, then their attitude towards God and the Church will begin to change little by little. You should show them the joy of the Christian faith, but your sermon should not be teaching and reproof, but your good deeds and kind attitude towards your loved ones. This is a long and difficult journey, in which you will be helped by prayer, confession, the sacrament and the advice of the priest to whom you regularly confess. God's help to you!
Respectfully yours, Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko.
Read also
“I want to tell the story of a family that happened in our house. The speech, first of all, concerns the fate of a minor child - 10-year-old Anya,- writes to the editorial office of "Odintsovo-INFO" the people's correspondent Alexander.
Anya was born in 2000 in Odintsovo. Her mother, Natalya (a citizen of the Russian Federation, a native of Odintsovo), was not legally married to her father. Ani's dad, Nikolai (citizen of Moldova), after the birth of the child, lived with his common-law wife. After the birth of the girl, the child was registered at the mother's place of residence.
Nikolai worked around the clock and fully provided for his young family. Natalya sat with the child at home, no one even saw her walking on the street with a stroller. She had only one concern - how to buy a bottle of vodka and drink.
Anya's relatives belong to the category of "dysfunctional families", in a word, alcoholics. A brief description of the family: they all drank and still continue to drink godlessly. There were repeated complaints from neighbors about their ugly behavior. They have a municipal apartment, Anya's grandmother and mother, Anya's uncle and the girl herself are registered in it.
Brief description of Nikolai: very nice young man, intelligent, well-mannered, modest, sympathetic, hard-working. Has no bad habits, which is very rare in our time. At the age of eight he lost his parents and was brought up in a boarding school, but this did not break him and he remained a real person.
The child's father came home every evening after work and saw a terrifying picture - empty bottles, cigarette butts, drunken relatives, constant scandals, drinking companions. And the worst thing is that nobody cared about the child. Anya was not washed, hungry ... And Natasha borrowed money from neighbors, motivating it by the fact that she had nothing to feed her child, and upon her return from the store she brought not milk, but vodka and cigarettes.
Nikolai asked Natasha to change her lifestyle, she promised him to improve, but apparently alcohol was most important to her. The father was afraid for the life and health of his child and was forced to make a decision to take the child to Moldova to his grandmother. Natalya gave written permission to take the child out without delay.
For 7 years Natalya led a hectic life, drank herself completely, changed her roommates like gloves. I climbed the construction trailers to the guest workers.
In 2005, she was assigned for treatment at the Skin and Venereal Diseases Dispensary with a whole bunch of venereal diseases: secondary syphis, partial hair loss, etc.
She disappeared from home for a long time, returned in a terrible state - the young girl looked like a bum! Swollen, in a headscarf, dressed like a man and with bruises on her face.
A year ago, she lived near the Naira restaurant, in the Southern industrial zone, near the Kury-Grill tent. Maybe someone, passing by, drew attention to a homeless-looking woman, always shaggy, not washed, drinking a jar of alcohol in the morning, and so it was she.
Seven years after the death of his grandmother, Nikolai was forced to return with his daughter to Odintsovo. The child is still registered in our city and has every right to live here. Her father took her to school. Found Natasha in her last habitat and forced her to return home, even helped to make a Russian passport, which she had lost.
A year ago, all her relatives decided to go with her to the historical homeland of her grandmother (that is, Natalia's mother) in the Pskov region. In order to sell an apartment here, buy a house in the village, and use the remaining money to live and walk as they used to. Only they did not take into account the fact that Anya is registered in this apartment. They tried to discharge the child by hook or by hook. They found a "black" realtor who is now dealing with the housing issue and claims that a third of the apartment already belongs to him, because he invested too much money in the whole process: he bought them a house, paid debts for utilities, brings them weekly from Pskov for paperwork, etc.
They tried to take the girl with them, but Nikolai protected her from these machinations! After all, they do not need a child! They only need to sell the apartment. In spite of everything, they took out all the things from the apartment, not even leaving a bed for the child, counting on the fact that Anya and her dad would not live in an empty apartment.
We, as neighbors, helped Nikolai find two beds, helped with delivery. Then a refrigerator, a washing machine, a TV and a computer appeared in their house, tulle and curtains were hung in the rooms. We equipped the nursery so that Anya could study in peace.
Anya always looks neat, combed, very well-mannered, always smiling and open to communication. For the entire school year, the child never got sick or missed a single lesson, because dad was in complete control of her lifestyle.
Nikolai filed a lawsuit against Natalia for the deprivation of parental rights. We collected all the certificates that from 2003 to the present day the father has been raising his daughter. We turned to the guardianship and guardianship authorities, the juvenile affairs committee, and the prosecutor’s office. The case was taken under control.
She did not appear at the first two sessions, but the realtor worked at full speed and a day later the “buyers” of the apartment came from the Pskov region to examine her. The realtor put pressure on Nikolai: “Look for a room for yourself and your child, and if she will arrange it for the money, then I will buy it for you. But first, give your consent to the sale of the apartment, otherwise you will stay on the street. "
The third court session was approaching. All juvenile affairs bodies made a unanimous decision - it is advisable to deprive Natalia of parental rights.
At the trial, Anya was interrogated, her father was the plaintiff, her mother was the defendant, and the neighbors were witnesses of the way of life her mother led and how she avoided and violated the rights of the child. But all this did not help! And the judge ruled - "to give the mother a probation period for 6 months." The judge emphasized that the dad, a resident of Moldova, pursues selfish goals - getting an apartment. But a Moldovan is not a diagnosis! He is simply defending the rights of his daughter within the framework of the law. It turns out that it is better for the child to live with an alcoholic mother than with a Moldovan father. And it all ended very strangely, no matter how the realtor put his hand in this and influenced the court's decision.
Where's the justice? She doesn't really need a child! She did not even come to her either before the trial or after. She only needs to sell the apartment, and she just doesn't give a damn about the fate of the child. And the father, on the contrary, is afraid that the daughter, having seen enough of the would-be mother, may repeat her fate.
Anya was asked the question: will she be able to forgive her mother and give her a chance for correction? The child replied: “No! I gave her a thousand chances to improve, but she didn't take advantage of it. When I was little, I asked my mother for food, she started kicking me in the kitchen! Can a mother do this to her child? "
Otherwise, nothing can be returned, although it is possible to appeal against the court's decision. But I'm afraid it will be too late.
The realtor said in a telephone conversation that the apartment has already been sold, it remains to resolve the issue with the room for Anya through the guardianship authorities. And, most likely, he will be able to write the girl out in the worst conditions for her, despite the fact that the guardianship convinces us that they will not give permission to sell the apartment. But we do not know the whole truth of what is actually happening.
Anything is possible in our life. And I will not be surprised if the apartment is sold together with Anya.
People, let's not stay cold-blooded! After all, children are our future! Help with advice, where else can you go, how to check the veracity of the words of the realtor? We cannot remain indifferent, after all, before our eyes, chaos is going on, we must somehow protect the child from his own mother. "
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Family Code of the Russian Federation
Article 56. The child's right to protection
1. The child has the right to defend his rights and legitimate interests.
The protection of the rights and legitimate interests of the child is carried out by the parents (persons replacing them), and in the cases provided for by this Code, by the guardianship and guardianship authority, the prosecutor and the court.
A minor recognized in accordance with the law as fully capable before reaching the age of majority has the right to independently exercise his rights and obligations, including the right to defense.
2. The child has the right to protection from abuse by the parents (persons replacing them).
In case of violation of the rights and legitimate interests of the child, including in case of non-fulfillment or in case of improper fulfillment by parents (one of them) responsibilities for the upbringing, education of a child or in case of abuse of parental rights, the child has the right to independently apply for their protection to the guardianship and guardianship authority, and upon reaching the age of fourteen, to the court.
3. Officials of organizations and other citizens who become aware of the threat to the life or health of the child, violation of his rights and legitimate interests, are obliged to report it to the guardianship and trusteeship body at the place of actual location of the child. Upon receipt of such information the guardianship and guardianship body is obliged to take the necessary measures to protect the rights and legitimate interests of the child.
Article 57. The right of the child to express his opinion
The child has the right to express his opinion in the decision in the family of any issue affecting his interests, as well as to be heard in any judicial or administrative proceedings. Taking into account the opinion of a child who has reached the age of ten is mandatory, unless it is contrary to his interests. In the cases provided for by this Code (Articles 59, 72, 132, 134, 136, 143, 145), the guardianship and guardianship authorities or the court may make a decision only with the consent of a child who has reached the age of ten.
Article 60. Property rights of a child
3. The child has the right of ownership to the income received by him, property received by him as a gift or by way of inheritance, as well as to any other property acquired at the expense of the child.
The child's right to dispose of the property belonging to him by right of ownership is determined by Articles 26 and 28 Of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation.
When the parents exercise the powers to manage the property of the child, they are subject to the rules established by civil law in relation to the disposal of the property of the ward ( article 37 Of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation).
Civil Code of the Russian Federation
Article 28. Legal capacity of minors
1. For minors under the age of fourteen (minors), transactions, with the exception of those specified in paragraph 2 of this article, may be made on their behalf only their parents, adoptive parents or guardians.
The rules provided for by paragraphs 2 and 3 of Article 37 of this Code are applied to transactions of the legal representatives of a minor with his property.
Article 37. Disposal of the property of the ward
2. The guardian is not entitled without the prior permission of the guardianship and guardianship authority to make, and the trustee - to give consent to the conclusion of transactions for the alienation, including the exchange or donation of the ward's property, renting it (leasing), for free use or as a pledge, transactions entailing the refusal of the rights belonging to the ward, the division of his property or the separation of shares from it, as well as any other transactions entailing a decrease in the property of the ward.
The procedure for managing the property of the ward is determined by the Federal Law "On Guardianship and Trusteeship".
3. The guardian, trustee, their spouses and close relatives are not entitled to make transactions with the ward, except for the transfer of property to the ward as a gift or for free use, as well as represent the ward when concluding transactions or conducting legal proceedings between the ward and the spouse of the guardian or guardian, and their close relatives.
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