When a friend is a year younger than you. Why do we lose friends as we age? Voluntary nature of friendly relations

When you are young, you are friends with the whole world. But, unfortunately, as you get older, these connections are almost always lost. However, it cannot be said that in adulthood a person needs friendship less than in his youth. Among the daily bustle and routine, time spent with friends is highly valued by adults. And when you meet someone in person, you just can't stop talking, you never run out of things to talk about. But why then do friends disappear as you get older? Is it your fault? And what can be done to avoid losing them completely? This article will try to find answers to these vital questions of interest to all.

Why does friendship disappear?

Friendship is at the bottom of the relationship hierarchy. Romantic partners, parents, children - it all comes first. This is the truth of life, and also the truth of science, which focuses its research on couples and families. Friendship is one of the smallest clusters in the social system. However, friendships are unique because, compared to family relationships, you choose whether or not to join them. And unlike other voluntary relationships, such as marriage or romance, friendships lack a formal structure. You can hardly go several months without meeting your loved one or not getting in touch with him at all - with a friend it is quite possible. However, study after study shows how important friendships are for people. And while friendships often change as they grow up, what people expect from them most often stays the same.

Basic expectations of friendships

The researchers listened to many people between the ages of 14 and 100, and they were able to identify three main expectations from friendship that can be traced at any age. The opportunity to talk, the opportunity to rely and the opportunity to have fun. These three expectations remain the same, but the conditions under which it would be possible to achieve what you expect change. The voluntary nature of friendships makes them more prone to vicissitudes than more formal relationships. In adulthood, as people get older and choose their own path, it is friendships that take the biggest hit. You have your own family, you put your partner first. And if earlier you could break loose at any moment and run to a friend’s house to find out if he would go out for a walk right now, now you need to ask him if he has an hour to meet you in a couple of weeks.

Voluntary nature of friendly relations

But what makes friendships so beautiful and special is the fact that friends are friends because they want to be. So you can choose whether you want to start a relationship and whether you want to end it. And when you are still young, your friendship may be more important to you than even your health. But in the process of growing up, your priorities and responsibilities change, which naturally affects friendships for the better or, alas, much more often, for the worse.

Friendship in childhood

In general, the story of adult friendships starts off pretty well. Adulthood is the best time to form relationships, as they become more complex and more meaningful at this time. As a child, your friends are most often other children with whom you simply have fun playing together. In adolescence, there is much more openness between friends and issues of support in difficult situations are raised, but at the same time, adolescents are still in search of themselves, learning to touch on more personal topics. And friendship helps them in this. However, it is in adolescence that people are most prone to changeability; they still do not have a clearly formed life position. How many band T-shirts end up in the bin as friends tell the owner that the band is bad. As teenagers, people are rarely self-confident, they are looking for friends who would share their views on important things, ignoring various little things.

Friendship in adolescence

If we talk about friendships in adolescence, then in this case, adolescents also have plenty of time for communication. Research shows that teens spend 10 to 25 hours a week hanging out with friends. But as people enter middle age, they become more demanding of their time, which affects friendships. After all, it's much easier to put off meeting a friend than it is to miss your child's school performance or an important business trip. Ideal ideas of people about friendship are always in close connection with the reality of their lives.

Friendship in middle age

It's a little sad to think that as a teenager, friendship is essential for you to find yourself and decide what's next. But when adolescence ends, you also lose time for those who helped you make these important decisions. Most of the time is spent on work and family. Naturally, not everyone gets married and has children, but even those who don't start any kind of romantic relationship can notice how friendships are greatly affected by the fact that friends have a mate, family, or children. Most often, friends break away from their social circle when they get married or get married. This is rather ironic, since most of the time all friends from both sides are invited to the wedding, so it turns out that the wedding party is a kind of farewell meeting for everyone, after which the married couple splits from their groups.

Friendship in old age

But if you depict the employment of people throughout their lives in the form of a graph, then you get a parabola. The things that take up the most time in your adult life disappear, freeing up a lot of time. As people retire and their children grow up, they have the opportunity to re-form friendships. Therefore, in old age, people very often resume communication with old friends with whom they lost contact earlier. According to research, towards the end of their lives, people begin to prioritize the things that make them happy in the here and now, including spending time with friends and family.

Ways to Maintain Friendships

As people move through their lives, they can make new friends and keep in touch with them in a variety of ways. Some people are independent, they can find friends wherever they go, but they often have a huge number of acquaintances, but few real friends. Other people are choosy, which means that they have only a couple of friends, but they are very close. This method has its drawbacks - the deep relationships that are built between friends mean that breaking such a connection can be devastating. Well, the most flexible is the third type of people who keep in touch with old friends, but at the same time continue to look for new friends as their life develops. Everyone is different, and everyone can have their own approach to friendships.

Elena: 38 years old, manager

Andrei and I have been living together for 10 years, and we met when I was 28 and he was 22. When I saw Andrei in a fitness club, I was the first to approach and talk to him. At first, everything was great with us - Andrei said that he always dreamed of someone like me (he likes active, purposeful women). In addition, Andrei was interested in me - he believed that I knew much more than him, and listened to me with delight, even if I was talking nonsense. Again, the sexual side of the relationship - Andrei was not particularly tempted in this area. In a word, we fell head over heels in love with each other. But my friends dissuaded me from this connection, they say, with such a difference in age, it is impossible to build anything serious. “In 10 years,” they assured, “he will exchange you for a young girl, and it will be difficult for you to find a husband.” But I got used to living with my own mind, so I didn’t listen to this advice. And now I think that I was somewhat arrogant, because the predictions of my friends seem to be starting to come true.

Andrey is annoyed by literally everything - what and how I say, even my tone. He screams that he is tired of my commanding habits and he is tired of dancing to my tune. He also decided that I did not put him in anything. We fight all the time. And in December, a terrible scandal erupted over where to celebrate the New Year. For several years in a row, we went to my parents, and then all of a sudden this tradition hit him in the throat. As an alternative, he suggested going to visit his friends. But all these noisy drinking parties until the morning with cigarette butts in saucers have bothered me for a long time.

In a word, the situation is very painful for me. It turned out that Andrei and I became very close, because it was I who shaped his taste in everything - my husband grew up in a family where parents were too busy with their careers and paid little attention to their son, he lived with one grandmother, then with another. I, one might say, made a man out of him, and now he hates me for everything good. I thought for a long time what could cause such changes in my husband's behavior, and came to the conclusion that the reason for everything is my age. Apparently, the friends were right - marriages in which the wife is older than the husband are doomed.

Andrey: 32 years old, logistics Lena doesn't understand that you can't command people around you all the time, even if those people around you love you, because constant dictation causes nothing but conflicts. Lena, with her desire to suppress, has long crossed the permissible limit - I am a patient person, but even my patience has burst. She never worried about my opinion - whatever she thinks, everything should be instantly executed. Most of my friends are married and their family relationships are developing differently. It cannot be said that Lena and I have nothing in common, it’s just that our relationship is built according to the “teacher-student” type, but this does not suit me. For example, we are sitting at a party, at 11 o’clock Lena resolutely says: “We have to go!” - and gets up. At the same time, she does not care if I want to leave right now. A trifle? Yes, but she perfectly illustrates her attitude towards me. Lena ignores my friends - you see, they are boring. But these are my friends! And I'm tired of going there alone, when everyone comes with their half. It turns out that at work they consider me, respect me, because I have achieved something, and at home I feel like a mischievous loser with a strict teacher. Another example is the New Year, which we must certainly celebrate with the wife's parents. Lena says that she is annoyed by "drunks and messes", so we should spend New Year's Eve calmly. Personally, I want to howl from this calmness.

Recently, the number of marriages in which the wife is older than the husband has increased significantly. Women in their thirties or early thirties are very popular with young people. And the motives for popularity are different. First of all, the desire of men for sex with an experienced partner who can teach a lot. The second motive is purely mercantile, when a strong and influential woman helps a man to strengthen his material and social status. The third is the need for a smart, caring, all-understanding mother. If we talk about the relationship between Lena and Andrey, then their main problem is the authoritarianism of their wife. And in vain Lena attributes all the difficulties to her age, because equality is determined not by years, but by a common worldview, the same level of education, emotionality, etc. If partners disagree on fundamental issues, they cannot avoid conflicts. Andrei liked typically “parental” traits in Lena: the ability to teach something, the willingness to take responsibility, make decisions, patronize. But if at the beginning Lena behaved delicately, then over time she turned into a dictator. But it's not only that. A person's self-esteem can change, and with it, needs. If yesterday Andrei was ready to learn from an experienced woman, today the "balance of forces" has changed. Perhaps Lena does not realize that her desire to impose her will is caused by a desire to control the situation, fear that her husband would leave her for a younger woman. But if you are afraid of something, then you can involuntarily bring a sad denouement closer - thoughts are material.

Lena should change her behavior. It is necessary to let Andrei feel that he is perceived as a strong, equal partner. You just need to do this gently: gradually build relationships with his friends, be more interested in his opinion, and resolve all issues together. And don't blame the age difference. Of course, a woman who is 20 years older than her husband runs the risk of being unattractive in her mature years. But the difference between Lena and Andrey is not so great as to seriously pay attention to it. The problem is not in passport data, but in the inability to adapt to each other, lack of flexibility, understanding of the partner's needs and unwillingness to find a reasonable compromise.