Jokes about inattentive men. Funny jokes about women and men

- I have a feeling that if I die, my wife will come up to the coffin and say: "He died on purpose, just not to do shit!" She:
- A woman's hands should tremble from gifts, legs from sex, and her heart from love!
He:
- And you, darling, will not tear you apart from the resonance? Children are frightened by uncles, uncles by children. I read on the Internet that on December 21, 2012 there will be no end of the world, no terrible and painful death. It's just that all people will connect to a single information field and learn the whole truth about the past and present. So my wife will find out too. It means all the same a terrible and painful death. It is very easy for women to relieve stress in the kitchen. For example, I took out a turkey, called it Sanya, Vanya or something else, cut off whatever I wanted, and slowly dipped it into boiling water ... I bought a book: "Poisons. Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow" (I just decided to read)
The husband washes the dishes for the second day, and takes out the trash, and agrees in everything ... An ideal family. Wife:
- Darling, go drink vodka!
Husband:
- Darling, I have not yet washed the floors! If you listen to women, they all have brilliant children!
And all from idiot husbands ... - Have you cleaned my jacket?
- Yes Dear.
- And the pants?
- Of course, dear.
- And the boots?
- And what, do you have pockets there too? Listening carefully to a woman, you help her understand what she wanted to say. If you want to keep the relationship alive, don't ask the woman about the past, and the man about the future. I taught my wife to buy books like "beauty and health", "an ideal figure in 2 weeks" - just by showing a photo of their authors. - All men are goats!
- Yes honey. Everything.
- And you too?
- I'm the biggest goat in the world!
- Then why did I marry you and live with you for so many years?
- And now we have smoothly moved on to the topic that all women are fools. Note to the owner. Ironing a hostess is much easier than ironing a shirt and trousers. In order to get rid of the wife’s friend, who is terrible, but obsessive with her problems, once and for all, it is enough to ask the wife casually: “Where is our Svetka, with a gorgeous appetizing ass?”. Boy to girl:
- On the one hand, you are very beautiful.
- And on the other?
“And on the other side you have a face. Two men meet:
- I heard you got married ...
- Yes, and my wife is cool - both in the kitchen and in bed ...
- And how does she manage everything?
- Yes, I made a bed for her in the kitchen ... In the pharmacy:
- My husband constantly complains of chest pain, choking, cramps and dizziness. Do you sell earplugs? Women spend money wisely!
As a result - no mind, no money ... A conversation between two Muscovites.
- Yesterday I met such a cool girl - smart, intelligent, with an excellent figure!
- Is she beautiful?
“I don’t know, she hasn’t taken off the gauze bandage yet.
If the blonde's eyes are burning, then the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something. In connection with the prolonged heat in Russia, thug guys began to use increased demand among girls. Every time, swimming naked at night, he naively believed that there are mermaids ... Do not brag that your wife is the best: women may be offended, and men will want to be convinced. Two men meet, one says:
- Imagine, recently became impotent, so, it turns out, the world is so interesting: there are theaters, cinema, circus, parks ... - I heard that Nikolai got married. Do you know whether for love or for profit?
- Well, he took his wife for profit, and money - for love. The heart of a man has two ventricles. One for vodka, the other for a snack. - Why are you so fat?
- Because I eat breakfast myself, friends share lunch with me, and enemies give me their dinner. Courage, honor and courage are three signs of my alcoholic intoxication. - And I found myself a girlfriend here in Sochi. Smart, kind, loyal, beautiful ...
- Are you happy?
- Was happy. Until the clever one found out about the kind one, but the faithful one about the beautiful one! Making a woman happy is difficult, but possible. The hardest thing in this situation is to remain happy yourself ... Women do not think, they are plotting! - Tell us how your wife lost her mind?
- We traveled in the mountains, where there is a beautiful echo. But his wife is used to having the last word always with her ... The man's belly is a mound of glory over the hero's grave. The man pursues the woman until she catches him. All women live by the same motto: "You cannot use love", but where to put the comma, everyone chooses for herself ... If a man washes his socks, then they are his last. Male pride goes off scale when you pee and flush the tea leaves in the toilet with well-aimed hits. A man in a supermarket, speaking to one of the customers:
- You know, my wife is lost somewhere in this store. Could you please give me a moment of attention?
- Why is that?
“You see, when I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife always suddenly appears out of nowhere. Men only pretend not to understand women! It costs them less. An obviously non-Russian woman was looking at the burning hut when she was knocked down by a horse. It is impossible to find out anything from a woman at any age: the girl's memory smoothly turns into female secrets, and they, in turn, into senile sclerosis. Sex is such a thing, after taking it for an hour you understand that sex is not the most important thing in life ... Only the earth can accept a woman as she is. Men are divided into goats and rams.
Rams are men who are poorly versed in female psychology.
And the goats - who understand too well. As it turned out, the most popular questions after vaccination are:
Male: - Can I have a drink?
Female: - Can I wash myself?
Hence the conclusion: the main problem of a woman is that she is dirty, the main problem of a man is that he is sober. The wider the wife's waist, the longer the husband's working day. - Why do women get married?
- Lack of life experience.
- Why are they getting divorced?
- Lack of patience.
- Why are they getting married again?
- Lack of memory. Sensation! Finally, we managed to present women's thoughts in a simple and understandable scheme.
- And I affectionately call mine: my bunny, my fish, my bird.
- What is she?
- And she will open her ears, her eyes will bulge, and clicks with her beak. Only women are afraid of old age. Men usually do not have time to get scared ... - Dad, who do you want more - a boy or a girl?
- Actually, son, I just wanted to have a good time ... Sign: if annual rings have already formed on your cup of coffee and tea, it's time for you to get married. He who does not take risks does not drink champagne and does not listen to Mendelssohn. Happiness is not in those women with whom you want to sleep, but in those with whom you want to sleep. Never marry a woman you can live with. Marry the one you can't live without. If a woman is angry, then she is not only wrong, but also understands it. A man is interesting to a woman as long as he is interesting to her friends. The motto of all women: we were born to make money dust! "Dear girls!
If you came with a job advertisement, then before entering, please take the following test:
1. Move two steps away from the door.
2. Place your hands behind your head and put your elbows forward.
3. Move forward slowly until you touch the door.
If your elbows touched the door before your chest - we are very sorry, but we have to refuse your candidacy. "American neurophysiologists have found that the words spoken by a melodious female voice are processed in the man's brain not by the speech perception center, but by the music perception center, and only then the information is transmitted to the speech center. That is why men often do not immediately understand the meaning of what the woman said. ("Science and Life", No. 3-2006) When you have money - you have women! Women appear - money disappears! Money disappears - women disappear! Women disappear - money appears ... If you can remove women from this vicious circle, you will be fabulously rich !!! "Dear! Have you bought some milk?"
- Molokaku ??! Didn't drink!
Women's wardrobe is when there is nothing to wear and nowhere to hang! - Can your wife stop a galloping horse?
- When she is without makeup, they themselves stand on end. For seventeen years in a row, a man got up every morning earlier to take a walk with the dog. And so the dog died. The man woke up, as always, at 6 o'clock, lay for a long time and sighed and finally woke up his wife:
- Listen, would you like to go for a walk with me? The skill of the gentleman is to take the lady to the theater so that the feeling of gratitude remains with her, but the desire to go again does not. - Yes, there used to be women in Russian villages, they will stop a galloping horse, they will enter a burning hut.
“Where are they now?”
- Burned down!

She would like to live differently
Wearing a precious outfit
But the horses keep galloping and galloping,
And the huts are burning and burning ...

Eh, how much does our woman need! If only the huts were on fire and the horses galloped!

He will stop the galloping horse, enter the burning hut ...
In general, what he won't do, just so as not to wash, iron, cook ... What is needed to impress a woman:
- compliment her
- respect her
- caress her
- hug her
- protect her
- spend money on it
- give her wine and feed her in restaurants
- buy her what she wants
- listen to her
- stay with her
- support her
- go to the ends of the world for her
...
How to impress a man:
- undress and prepare to devour. The man, who decided to marry, thought for a long time which of the three girls in love with him to marry. He decided to give each of them $ 5,000 and find out how they would dispose of them.
The first one bought expensive clothes, the best cosmetics, went to an elite beauty salon - in general, she did everything to look perfect, and said: "I love you very much and I want everyone to know that you have the most beautiful wife in town."
The second spent all the money on her potential husband, buying him new suits, shirts, tools for the car, and said: "You are the most important thing for me, so I spent all the money on you."
The third put 5000 dollars into circulation, earned another 5000 and returned everything to the man: "I love you very much. I did it so that you would understand that I am smart and not wasteful."
The man thought - and married the one with larger breasts.

Two are lying in bed.
She: - I want you again!
He (through a dream): - You're lucky ...

Funny to tears jokes about women and men

1. - I made an ad: “I am looking for a life friend!”,
about twenty men responded ...
- What do they write?
- All as one wrote: "Take mine."

2. On the bus, the girl shows the man on the fly:
- Man, close the store.
- What, you see the director?
- Well, I don’t know about the director, but a drunken loader is lying on the sacks.

3. - Man, you look as if you want to invite me to a restaurant.
- Yes, we need a dishwasher!

4. He:
- I communicate with you and come to the only mental conclusion: “A woman is like flowers! You do everything to make it bloom, and it DISSOLVES! "
She:
- And the men are like the first snow: "You never know when it will come, how many centimeters it will be and how long it will last!"

5. - It seems that my wife is cheating on me with a neighbor!
- Why do you think so?
- I came home from work yesterday, but my wife is not there. And the neighbor on the balcony smokes in shorts!
- So what?
- He smoked in her panties!

6. The husband comes from a business trip. He immediately runs to the closet, opens it. Nobody! An insolent male voice from the bed:
- I am here.

7. If your husband passionately repeats someone else's name at night, respond - you will not regret it.

8. - What's new with you?
- The wife burned down during the fire.
- What a grief! And there was no way to save it?
- Yes, she slept so sweetly ...

Funny jokes about women and men

9. - Dear! .. I want to make you an offer ...
- What, dear?
- Get off, eh!

10. At five o'clock in the morning, the wife got out of bed and made her way into the closet. She bent the fishing rods over her knee, cut her rubber boots with a knife, and threw the backpack off the balcony. Then she quietly lay down in bed and gently pressed her cheek to her husband's shoulder ... She had no more than an hour to live ...

11. The husband is lying on the couch, reading the newspaper. The wife comes from the kitchen and says:
- Take the net, go to the grocery store.
- This is not a man's business!
- Well, then take off your clothes and go to the bedroom!
- Well, you can't joke where the net is.

12. THE MAN NAILS. It misses even with a hammer on the finger! - Mmmmm ... (restrains) Nearby is a 6-year-old son with a serious look: - Fuck! Yes, dad?

13. - Describe yourself. - Brunette. - OK. And the eyes? - There is.

14. There is a girl at the entrance, a guy comes up to her:
- No cigarette? Gives him a cigarette.
- And the lighters? Gives him a lighter.
- Still look and give some chewing gum? ... ...
She takes out a Dirola record from her purse with the words:
“I’m a sorceress, and you’ve wasted all three wishes so stupidly.” ... ...

15. - Yesterday I wrote on my neighbor's dirty car: “Wash me! " - So what? - And this morning I go and see that the car is just as dirty, and below my inscription, it is added: “Come, Irisha, I'll wash it! "

Cool very funny anecdotes ...

Judging by the growing number of women behind kerm, the men will soon be standing on the track ...
***
In a restaurant, a man walks to a table at which a lonely woman sits:
- May I meet you?
- Well, I really don't know. Are your intentions serious?
- It can't be more serious! I intend to pay for your dinner, and in the morning to give money for a taxi.
***
I wonder why the author of the phrase "Kissing a smoking girl is like kissing an ashtray" was kissing an ashtray?
***
Two perky housewives stand in line at the store chatting:
- My husband came out of the hospital. His appendicitis was removed.
- And what is it?
- It's such a small appendage in the lower abdomen, nobody needs it, but things go better when it's not there.
- You need to tell your husband about this.
***
- Do you think women enjoy sex?
- Of course, this happens during the foreplay and discussion of the consequences.
***
- What a tactlessness! I tell you that my wife is expecting a child, and you ask, from whom?
- Well, excuse me, please, I thought you knew.
***
- NS! Ty smells so garno! For perfume?
- New oriflame catalog, flavored side 45.
***
Near the hospital, every second father is looking for a third.
***
- Now tell me why you were offended.
“You wanted to hit me.
- Yes, I have never raised my hand against a girl! Where did you get it ?!
- If I were you, I would hit.
***
- God, how times change! My mother still remembers the first time my father kissed her, and my sister has already forgotten the name of her first husband!
***
- What is your intelligence index?
- I don’t know the exact figure, but I’ve had enough to live on.
***
Conversation between two Frenchmen:
- A good wife is one who has a husband and a lover.
- I thought it was bad.
- No, the bad one, who only has a lover.
“I thought it was the fallen one.
- No, the fallen one who has no one.
- I thought it was lonely.
- No, the lonely one with one husband.
***
- Syoma, am I fat?
- No.
- But it wouldn't hurt to lose weight, right?
- I like you like that.
- But I do not cause delight, right?
- You are calling.
- But not mad, huh?

Funny and funny jokes about men and women

What men used to be in Russia! The nose is crooked, x ... with a club, he will throw ten sticks and still carry in his arms! And now? A nose with potatoes, x ... an accordion, he will throw the floor of the stick and ask for more on the road!
***
Real gentlemen, parting with a girl, give her a box of cigarettes, a coffee machine and a new plastic window with a wide window sill ...
***
Two friends chatting over a cup of coffee.
“I love nature,” one says.
Another carefully looked at her friend and sarcastically remarked:
- And this after what she did to you?
***
- It was a cool summer this year !!!
- Yeah, and most importantly, that was the weekend !!!
***
Two friends were friends. Peter and Vasily. They had one friend, Nina. A year has passed. Peter runs and shouts:
- Vasya, Vasya!
- Well, what do you want?
- Nina gave birth to twins. - So what?
- Like what! I took mine. And you take yours.
***
Two elderly Odessa citizens on a bench: And I like women over 50. Well, Sema, over 50 is still inexpensive ...
***
All the troubles of men are from one:
Well, you can see a fool, so why get to know better?
***
An experienced woman can draw from 27 to 36 conclusions per second.
***
One woman had 10 children and they were all boys. And everyone's name was Volodya.
“Tell me,” they asked her, “how do you distinguish between them?
- By patronymic, - the woman answered proudly.
***
- When does a woman lose 90% of her intelligence?
- When her husband dies.
- And when does she lose the remaining 10%?
- When a pet dies after her husband.
***
Two bachelors are talking:
- Washable wallpaper is definitely a great thing! But they are so hard to tear them off the wall and stuff them into the washing machine!
***
- Zhora, is there female friendship ...?
- Not ... This is nonsense ...
- So it does not happen between a woman and a man ...
- Here, Sema ...! What is the conclusion ...?
- Which...?
- Sho women are unfriendly people ...!
***
All men know that if you pick up a fishing rod or just a stick near a pond, you immediately want to drink, and after drinking - women.
***
- Are you actually out of your mind?
- In your.
- Who is it here?

If the woman starts crying, confuse her - start crying back.

If you listen to women, they all have genius children, but from idiot husbands. The genetic paradox!

Woman - How many in this word ... unforeseen expenses

Real men have a happy woman. The rest have a strong

Do you want to prove to your husband that men are looking at you! Walk a little ahead of your husband and show your tongue to each passing man. Success is assured !!!

Purely feminine logic - to pluck eyebrows, then draw them with a pencil. The peasants, of course, do not understand this.

Sometimes, girls do with their mouths what all men adore. They are silent!

Failure to understand the reasons for a woman's resentment does not absolve a man from responsibility.

Pets are like their owners. And you, the girl, probably keep the crocodile at home?

Dedicated to all the girls who say, "All guys are the same." I would be a decent girl, I wouldn't know all the guys ...

The wife found out about her mistress - NIGHTMAR !!! Earthquake, pogrom, forest fire !!! I thought it would hardly be worse for me in life ... But then the mistress found out about his wife!

Sometimes you really want to approach the ladies who overdo it with makeup and, like in a car, write with your finger: "Wash me"!

"Yellow is for parting," I thought, looking at his teeth.

Can you explain to me why you guys give flowers to girls so rarely? ”“ You don’t give us beer at all! ”

My husband was jealous of a computer ... strange, but never a gas stove ...

I like everything about my future husband! Only one thing is a little annoying - we are still strangers.

The most offensive thing is when you have carefully thought out the dialogue in your head, and your interlocutor does not speak in the text.

Girl, can I sit with you a little? - A little will not work, with me they turn gray at once and all over their heads.

Men have feelings too. For example, feeling hungry.

I was kicked out of math class. Apparently, the correct answer to the question "What comes after 69?" - no mouthwash.

The man asked the sage: - Why do women have headaches so often? To which the sage replied: - The head hurts from weak men, but from strong men it is spinning!

- Girl, who do you think you are? - It's none of your business, who I think I am

Men are like birds: they can sing for a long time and beautifully, and then give a shit and fly away

Cosmetics are the kind of thing that helps a woman not to scare men with her natural beauty.

The less a woman you love, the more you go to FIG!

She: I'm crazy.
He: Oh come on, it's all very nice.
2 months later.
He: You are completely fucked up !!!
She: Bitch, I told you, I warned you.

- Listen, you are already an adult, independent person. You are 25 years old. For a long time, your girlfriend should decide everything for you, not your mother!

- Honey, I'm so tired, we've been walking for two hours!
- Be patient, dear, a halt soon.
- I can not! I rubbed my backpack on my shoulders, my sneakers are tight, the sun is baking!
- Well, what can I do, love?
- Maybe you will get out of your backpack?

- Where is the man who can love me the way I am?
- Here I am, I love you!
- No, you're scary.

Friday.
21:00 A sad, weak and defenseless woman entered the bar ...
00:00 A cheerful, strong and independent woman with a man under her arm left the bar!

One friend to another:
“I’m lying with mine, and then mine comes in ...

The guy and the girl are drinking wine. The guy pours, and the girl gives him:
- I don't need it anymore, otherwise I have something strange with my legs ...
- What, give way?
- No, they move apart ...

“Do you know how deceiving the first impression is sometimes? Recently I met a man: small, bald, and even in the chorus he sings tenor ... And he blew in such a bass!

- You know, I didn’t imagine you at all.
- And you drink, drink!

- And I looked at myself a cool one, I will take it.
- Not at all! Show me the place where you get the money, I want it too!
- No, Vasya, you have such a place!

- Listen, scoundrel: I am the best thing in your life!
- What a shitty life I had, it turns out ...

- Sasha, did you give me a marshmallow to sleep with me?
- Yes.
- Dima, did you give me an apartment to sleep with me?
- Yes.
- Seryozha, did you give me a yacht to sleep with me?
- Yes.
- Something I screwed up with marshmallows.

- Girl, why don't we know each other yet?
- God protects you, stupid creature.

- What is the difference between male and female legs?
- Between the male ones dangle the same eggs, and between the female ones they are different all the time!

- I am depressed. I'm fat and lonely!
- But how fat are you? Where? Show me.
- Maybe you still have to show where I am lonely?

On a nude beach:
- Girl, I like you!
- I see.

- Moishe, I heard you got married. Why suddenly?
- I didn’t want to walk in byads.
- And now?
- And now I want to ...

"Are you always that bitch?"
- No, 5 days a month I'm even worse!

Women's thoughts:
- If a man after sex does not call me, then I have two options in my head: 1. That he died. 2. That he didn't like having sex with me ... I sincerely hope that he, bitch, died ...

- Lucy, lately you started coming home from work after drinking!
- Look at yourself, every day you yourself are drunk!
- I drink with the men!
- And I, in your opinion, with whom?! ..

There is a crush on the subway. The woman accidentally touched a member of the man standing next to her.
- Oh sorry!
- Uh-e-e-e-no. I am a chess player, I touched it - play.

- Are you always so cocky?
- Only on Saturdays. Or if I'm dealing with a beauty.
- So you think I'm a beauty?
- Hmm ... Actually today is Saturday ...

- Lera, I posted a photo where you are naked.
- I'll kill you! Delete immediately!
- There are 699 likes.
- Then don't delete it!

Bus conversation during rush hour:
- Man! You are drunk, terribly drunk, disgustingly drunk!
- And you, girl, legs are crooked, terribly crooked, disgustingly crooked! And I'll be sober tomorrow!

- Honey, do you love me?
- Yes.
- But as?
- Surprisingly!