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Types of marriage and family relations and their features. Types of family relationships. Undesirable tendencies in parenting

To determine the life path of a child's development, his emerging life position, we propose to focus on the strategy for the development of the child's personality in the family, including the mechanism of family development, types of family relationships, family life styles (family credo).

Different life styles of the family and types of family relationships affect the development of the child's personality in different ways, determining the paths of his development (D.A. Leontiev, E.R. Kalitievskaya).

Authoritarian type family relations determines the conformal path of development of the child in the family, which is characterized by the predominance of reliance on external criteria for decision-making and a feeling of independence of the results of actions from their own efforts. The child's actions depend entirely on the external assessment that can be earned by behaving in accordance with external requirements. In the future, such a person can successfully adapt to life at the cost of unconditionally accepting external requirements and assessments as a guide to action.

Authoritative type family relations determines, in our opinion, the symbiotic path of development of the child in the family and includes the prerequisites for neurotic development of the personality, which is due to the fact that the child experiences emotional alienation in relation to parents in connection with "strict" control from the mother and the attitude the little one on the father's side; since the parents have a fear of the child's independence and they, most often unconsciously, strive to preserve his dependence on them, making their love a conditional reward for the desired behavior. The child's lack of freedom is combined with a perverted form of responsibility - with “responsibility” for the realization of not one's own, but other people's values. Parents closely monitor and evaluate the child's behavior, not accepting him as a whole as a person. Thus, an orientation towards "earned" recognition is formed in him.

Democratic type family relations forms an impulsive path of development of the child's personality. The contradictory nature of parental relationships gives the child the right to be active, but undeveloped self-regulation makes it incomprehensible to genuine freedom, which is replaced by impulsive protest, opposing oneself to others.

Altruistic type family relations forms an autonomous way of development of the child's personality, based on freedom and responsibility, since parents provide the child with independence, while maintaining emotional acceptance. The autonomous path of development is the only path based on true freedom and responsibility, leading to personal maturity and a full human existence. True freedom and responsibility prevailing in the family develop in the child, respectively, activity and awareness as the bases that form the attitude of the individual to his own life in school years, i.e. position in life. The combination of these foundations as parameters gives four types of life position, corresponding to the four ways of personal development described above.



Conformal type development generates a child's passive position and is characterized by a lack of activity and awareness in relation to his life; complete passive submission to circumstances; accepting everything that happens as inevitable and uncontrollable.

Symbiotic pathway child development determines the contemplative position, which is characterized by awareness and lack of activity. Realizing the events of his life as occurring separately from his “I”, such a person is not able to influence them either because he is convinced that it is impossible to do this, or because of neurotic lack of confidence in himself, his strengths and capabilities.

Impulsive way personal development forms an impulsive position of a person, which is characterized by the presence of activity and lack of awareness. Such a person seeks to manage his life, being unable to comprehend it, therefore, managing life takes on the character of chaotic, impulsive decisions that are not connected by a single logic and life goal.

Autonomous path personal development generates an effective life position based on activity and awareness, and is characterized by the fact that a person is not only aware of the course of his life, but is able to stand in relation to it in an active position and manage it.

Family parenting styles (A.E. Lichko and E.G. Eidemiller)

Of the classifications that compare the characteristics of the formation of the personality of children and the styles of family education, the most interesting, detailed is the classification proposed by A.E. Lichko and E.G. Eidemiller for teenagers. The authors identified the following deviations in family parenting styles:

Hypoprotection. Characterized by a lack of guardianship and control. The child is left unattended. Little attention is paid to a teenager, there is no interest in his affairs, physical abandonment and neglect are frequent. With latent hypoprotection, control and care are formal, parents are not included in the child's life. The child's non-inclusion in the life of the family leads to antisocial behavior due to the dissatisfaction of the need for love and affection.

Dominant hyperprotection. It manifests itself in increased, heightened attention and care, excessive care and petty control of behavior, surveillance, prohibitions and restrictions. The child is not taught to be independent and responsible. This leads either to a reaction of emancipation, or to lack of initiative, inability to stand up for oneself.

Conniving hyperprotection. This is how the upbringing of the “idol of the family” is called. Parents strive to free the child from the slightest difficulty, indulge his desires, adore and patronize excessively, admire his minimal success, and demand the same admiration from others. The result of such upbringing is manifested in a high level of aspirations, striving for leadership with insufficient perseverance and self-reliance.

Emotional rejection. The child is weighed down. His needs are ignored. Sometimes he is mistreated. Parents (or their “substitutes” - stepmother, stepfather, etc.) consider the child a burden and show general dissatisfaction with the child. Latent emotional rejection is often encountered: parents seek to disguise their real attitude towards the child with increased care and attention to him. This parenting style has the most negative impact on a child's development.

Abusive relationships... They can appear openly when the child is ripped off the evil, using violence, or be hidden, when there is a "wall" of emotional coldness and hostility between the parent and the child.

Increased moral responsibility. A child is required to be honest, decency, and a sense of duty that does not correspond to his age. Ignoring the interests and capabilities of the teenager, they make him responsible for the well-being of those close to him. He is forcibly credited with the role of "head of the family." Parents hope for a special future for their child, and the child is afraid to disappoint them. Often he is entrusted with caring for younger children or the elderly.

In addition, the following deviations in the style of parenting are also distinguished: preference for female qualities (PFA), preference for male qualities (MVP), preference for children's qualities (MPC), expansion of the sphere of parental feelings (RFE), fear of loss of a child (FU), underdevelopment of parental feelings (LRF), the projection of one's own undesirable qualities (PPK), the introduction of conflict between spouses in the sphere of education (VC).

One of the directions in describing the typology of family education is the study of educational parental attitudes and attitudes. In the most general form, the optimal and non-optimal parental positions were formulated. The optimal parental position meets the requirements of adequacy, flexibility and predictability (A.I. Zakharov, A.S. Spivakovskaya).

Adequacy parental position can be defined as the ability of parents to see and understand the individuality of their child, to notice the changes taking place in his mental world.

Flexibility parental position is considered as the ability to restructure the impact on the child in the course of his growing up and in connection with various changes in the living conditions of the family. A flexible parenting position should not only be changeable in accordance with changes in the child, it should be anticipatory, predictive.

Predictability parental position means that not the child should lead the parents, but, on the contrary, the behavior of the parents should outpace the emergence of new mental and personal qualities of children.

In disharmonious families, where the upbringing of a child has acquired a problematic character, a change in parental positions is quite clearly revealed in one or all three selected indicators. Parental positions are inadequate, lose the quality of flexibility, become unchanging and unpredictable.

There is an attempt to describe parenting in a family through the roles that the child plays. A role is defined as a certain set of patterns of behavior in relation to a child in a family, as a combination of feelings, expectations, actions, assessments addressed to the child by adult family members. Childhood roles are clearly identified in families when parental positions lose flexibility and adequacy.

The most typical roles include four roles: "scapegoat", "favorite", "conciliator", "baby".

"Scapegoat". This childish role arises in the family when the parents' marital problems are passed on to the child. He kind of takes on the emotions of the parents, which they actually feel for each other.

"Favorite". It occurs when parents do not feel any feelings for each other, and the emotional vacuum is filled with exaggerated care for the child, exaggerated love for him.

« Baby ". In this role, the child is distant from his parents, he is, as it were, pushed out of the family community, he is once and for all ordered to be in the family only a child, on whom nothing depends. This role arises when the spouses are very close to each other.

« Conciliator ". A child in such a role is early involved in the complexities of family life, occupies the most important place in the family, regulating and eliminating marital conflicts.

The above descriptions well illustrate the fact that children are influenced not only by deliberate influences, but equally or even more by all the features of parental behavior.

The parental position is a kind of holistic education, it is the real orientation of the educational activity of parents, arising under the influence of the motives of education. What kind of parental position is realized in interaction with the child depends primarily on the relationship between conscious and unconscious motivational tendencies. The typology of A. Roe and M. Siegelman includes such attitudes towards children and parental positions in upbringing, such as rejection, indifference, overprotection, over-demanding, stability, active love.

Types of family relationships

In every family, a definite system of upbringing is objectively formed, which is by no means always conscious of it. This refers to the understanding of the goals of upbringing, and the formulation of its tasks, and more or less purposeful application of methods and techniques of upbringing, taking into account what can and cannot be allowed in relation to the child. Psychologists have identified 4 tactics of upbringing in the family and 4 types of family relationships that correspond to them, which are both a prerequisite and a result of their emergence: diktat, guardianship, "non-interference" and cooperation.

Diktat in the family is manifested in the systematic behavior of some family members (mainly adults), initiative and self-esteem among other family members.

Parents, of course, can and should make demands on their child, based on the goals of upbringing, moral norms, specific situations in which it is necessary to make pedagogically and morally justified decisions. However, those who prefer order and violence to all types of influence are faced with the resistance of the child, who responds to pressure, coercion, threats with their countermeasures: hypocrisy, deception, outbursts of rudeness, and sometimes outright hatred. But even if the resistance turns out to be broken, along with it many valuable personality traits are broken: independence, self-esteem, initiative, faith in oneself and in one's own capabilities. The reckless authoritarianism of parents, ignoring the interests and opinions of the child, systematic deprivation of his right to vote when solving issues related to him - all this is a guarantee of serious failures in the formation of his personality.

Guardianship in the family is a system of relationships in which parents, ensuring with their work the satisfaction of all the needs of the child, protect him from any worries, efforts and difficulties, taking them upon themselves. The question of active personality formation fades into the background. At the center of educational influences is another problem - the satisfaction of the child's needs and the protection of his difficulties. Parents, in fact, block the process of seriously preparing their children to face reality outside their home. It is these children who turn out to be more unadapted to life in a team.

It is these children who, it would seem, have nothing to complain about, are beginning to rebel against excessive parental care. If diktat presupposes violence, orders, rigid authoritarianism, then guardianship means care, protection from difficulties. However, the result is largely the same: children lack independence, initiative, they are somehow excluded from solving issues that personally concern them, and even more so the general problems of the family.

On the recognition of the possibility and even expediency of the independent existence of adults from children, the tactics of "non-interference" are built. It is assumed that two worlds can coexist: adults and children, and neither one nor the other should cross the line outlined in this way. Most often, this type of relationship is based on the passivity of parents as educators.

Cooperation as a type of family relationship presupposes the mediation of interpersonal relationships in the family by the common goals and objectives of joint activity, its organization and high moral values. It is in this situation that the child's egoistic individualism is overcome. The family, where the leading type of relationship is cooperation, acquires a special quality, becomes a group of a high level of development - a team.

The style of family education and the values ​​adopted in the family are of great importance in the development of self-esteem.

Three styles of family education can be distinguished: - democratic - authoritarian - conniving (liberal).

In a democratic style, the best interests of the child are taken into account. Consent style.

In a conniving style, the child is left to himself.

The student sees himself through the eyes of close adults who are raising him. If the assessments and expectations in the family do not correspond to the age and individual characteristics of the child, his / her self-image appears to be distorted.

M.I. Lisina traced the development of self-awareness in younger schoolchildren, depending on the characteristics of family education. Children with an accurate idea of ​​themselves are brought up in families where parents devote a lot of time to them; positively assess their physical and mental characteristics, but do not consider their level of development to be higher than that of most peers; predict good school performance. These children are often encouraged, but not given gifts; punish mainly by refusing to communicate. Children with an underestimated self-image grow up in families in which they are not taught, but require obedience; they are rated low, often reproached, punished, sometimes in front of strangers; do not expect them to succeed in school and make significant achievements in later life.

Adequate and inadequate behavior of a child depends on the conditions of upbringing in a family. Children who have low self-esteem are unhappy with themselves. This happens in a family where parents constantly condemn the child, or set overestimated tasks in front of him. The child feels that he does not meet the requirements of the parents. (Do not tell the child that he is ugly, complexes arise from this, from which it is impossible to get rid of later.)

Inadequacy can also manifest itself with increased self-esteem. This happens in a family where the child is often praised, and gifts are given for little things and achievements (the child gets used to material reward). The child is punished very rarely, the demand system is very soft.

Adequate presentation - it needs a flexible system of punishment and praise. Admiration and praise are excluded with him. Rarely are gifts given for actions. Extremely harsh penalties are not used. In families where children grow up with high, but not overestimated self-esteem, attention to the child's personality (his interests, tastes, relationships with friends) is combined with sufficient exactingness. Here they do not resort to humiliating punishments and willingly praise when the child deserves it. Children with low self-esteem (not necessarily very low enjoy more freedom at home, but this freedom, in fact, is lack of control, a consequence of parents' indifference to children and to each other.

School performance is an important criterion for assessing a child as an individual by adults and peers. The attitude towards oneself as a student is largely determined by family values. A child's qualities come to the fore that are most concerned with his parents - maintaining prestige (at home, asking questions: "Who else got an A?"), Obedience ("You were not scolded today?"), Etc. In the self-consciousness of a young schoolchild, accents are shifted when parents are not worried about educational, but everyday moments in his school life ("Doesn't it blow from the windows in the classroom?", "What did they give you for breakfast?" is discussed or discussed formally. A rather indifferent question: "What happened at school today?" sooner or later will lead to the corresponding answer: "Nothing special", "Everything is fine".

Parents also set the initial level of the child's aspirations - what he claims in educational activities and relationships. Children with a high level of aspirations, high self-esteem and prestigious motivation rely only on success. Their visions of the future are just as optimistic. Children with a low level of aspirations and low self-esteem do not claim much either in the future or in the present. They do not set high goals for themselves and constantly doubt their capabilities, they quickly come to terms with the level of academic performance that develops at the beginning of training.

Anxiety can become a personality trait at this age. High anxiety acquires stability with constant dissatisfaction with studies on the part of parents. Let's say a child gets sick, lags behind his classmates and finds it difficult to get involved in the learning process. If the temporary difficulties experienced by him irritate adults, anxiety arises, the fear of doing something bad, wrong. The same result is achieved in a situation where the child learns quite successfully, but the parents expect more and make excessive, unrealistic demands.

Due to the growth of anxiety and the associated low self-esteem, educational achievements decrease, failure is fixed. Uncertainty leads to a number of other features - the desire to thoughtlessly follow the instructions of an adult, to act only according to patterns and templates, the fear of taking initiative, the formal assimilation of knowledge and methods of action.

Adults, dissatisfied with the declining productivity of the child's educational work, focus more and more on these issues in communicating with him, which increases emotional discomfort.

It turns out a vicious circle: the unfavorable personality traits of the child are reflected in his learning activity, the low performance of the activity causes a corresponding reaction from others, and this negative reaction, in turn, enhances the child's peculiarities. You can break this circle by changing the attitudes and assessments of the parents. Close adults, focusing on the child's smallest achievements. Without blaming him for individual shortcomings, they reduce his level of anxiety and thereby contribute to the successful completion of educational tasks.

The second option - demonstrativeness - is a personality trait associated with an increased need for success and attention to others around. The source of demonstrativeness is usually the lack of attention of adults to children who feel abandoned and "disliked" in the family. But it happens that the child receives sufficient attention, but it does not satisfy him due to the hypertrophied need for emotional contacts. Excessive demands on adults are not made by neglected children, but, on the contrary, by the most spoiled children. Such a child will seek attention, even breaking the rules of conduct. ("Better to let them scold than not notice"). The task of adults is to do without lectures and edifications, make comments as less emotionally as possible, not pay attention to minor offenses and punish major ones (say, by refusing a planned trip to the circus). This is much more difficult for an adult than caring for an anxious child.

If for a child with high anxiety, the main problem is the constant disapproval of adults, then for a demonstrative child it is a lack of praise.

The third option is "escape from reality." It is observed in cases where demonstrativeness is combined with anxiety in children. These children also have a strong need for attention to themselves, but they cannot fulfill it due to their anxiety. They are hardly noticeable, they are afraid to cause disapproval by their behavior, they strive to fulfill the requirements of adults. An unsatisfied need for attention leads to an increase in even greater passivity, invisibility, which makes it difficult for already insufficient contacts. When adults encourage the activity of children, pay attention to the results of their educational activities and search for ways of creative self-realization, a relatively easy correction of their development is achieved.

The extreme cases, the most unfavorable for the development of the child, are strict, total control under authoritarian upbringing and an almost complete absence of control, when the child is left to himself, neglected. There are many intermediate options:

Parents regularly tell their children what to do;

The child can express his opinion, but the parents, when making a decision, do not listen to his voice;

The child can make individual decisions himself, but must receive the approval of the parents, parents and the child have almost equal rights in making a decision;

The decision is often made by the child himself;

The child himself decides to obey his parental decisions or not.

Let us dwell on the most common styles of family education, which determines the characteristics of a child's relationship with parents and his personal development.

Democratic parents value both independence and discipline in their child's behavior. They themselves give him the right to be independent in some areas of his life; without prejudice to his rights, at the same time require the performance of duties. Control based on warm feelings and reasonable care is usually not overly annoying; he often listens to explanations why one should not do one and another should be done. The formation of adulthood in such a relationship takes place without much worries and conflicts.

Authoritarian parents demand unquestioning obedience from the child and do not believe that they should explain to him the reasons for their instructions and prohibitions. They tightly control all spheres of life, and they can do it and not quite correctly. Children in such families usually become isolated, and their communication with their parents is disrupted. Some children go into conflict, but more often the children of authoritarian parents adapt to the style of family relationships and become insecure and less independent.

The situation is complicated if high exactingness and control are combined with an emotionally cold, rejecting attitude towards the child. A complete loss of contact is inevitable here.

An even worse case is indifferent and cruel parents. Children from such families rarely relate to people with trust, experience difficulties in communication, are often cruel themselves, although they have a strong need for love.

The combination of an indifferent parental attitude with a lack of control - hypothyroidism - is also an unfavorable variant of family relations. Children are allowed to do whatever they want, no one is interested in their affairs. Behavior becomes out of control. And children, no matter how they sometimes rebel, need parents as a support, they must see a model of adult, responsible behavior, which could be guided by.

Overprotection - excessive care for the child, excessive control over his entire life, based on close emotional contact, - leads to passivity, lack of independence, difficulties in communicating with peers.

In fact, each person is unique and completely individual in their family relationships, however, psychologists were able to group all possible types of relationships within marriage into categories. There are several ways to classify this, for example, a specialist such as Muriel James identified such categories as love marriage, spiritual union, marriage of convenience, partnership-marriage and open marriage.

Spiritual union

This name speaks for itself, spouses in such an alliance have high platonic feelings for each other. Such a couple can spend a lot of time nearby, without even talking and feeling as comfortable as possible. But sometimes in such a marriage there is a strong discrepancy in everyday life, which leads to crises, constant quarrels and divorces.

Love-match

This type of union is based on mutual feelings. It is known that every person needs to feel tenderness and love in relation to close and dear people. In marriage, these feelings can be complemented and revealed. Ideally, a partner becomes not only an object of adoration, he also plays the role of a good friend and companion. This type of marriage can be lasting only when sincere feelings go hand in hand with reason, and conflicts are resolved through mutual understanding and conversation.

Marriage partnership

These relationships are built on the basis of a partnership. So that a person does not feel lonely, he needs a partner with whom he can have a pleasant conversation and have complete understanding. This type of family relationship is most often created by older people who are already widowed or by those who simply cannot, for some reason, maintain an intimate relationship.

Marriage of convenience

Since ancient times, this type of family relationship has been considered the most relevant, with its help they solved a variety of problems related to religion, politics, sexuality, economics, etc. Girls were often given in marriage to wealthy and wealthy men, with the aim of deriving a certain conclusion from this. For example, title and position in society, etc. Marriages of convenience do not lose their relevance even now, since many women pay special attention to the financial situation of the future spouse, wishing to be completely secured. But at the same time, girls often forget about their need for affection and sincere feelings. In some cases, marriages of convenience develop into true and mutual love, but not infrequently they end in enmity and intense hatred.

Open marriage

This type of seed relationship is also called free, it consists in the fact that both spouses have the right to freely choose their sexual partners. At the same time, betrayal is not considered by them to be a betrayal, and all such moments are agreed in advance. Physical attraction is directed towards different partners, but a strong spiritual bond remains between husband and wife.

Romantic marriage

Such family relationships are rather ambiguous, because they are concluded under the influence of strong passions, falling in love and a storm of emotions. However, after the honeymoon, feelings usually fade away a little, and both partners may simply not be ready for this turn of events. But, nevertheless, such couples have a chance for true love, although divorces in the first month of life are not uncommon for them.

Psychologists also consider this type of classification as traditional families, child-centric and democratic (matrimonial). In the first version, it is customary to cultivate respect for elders and their authority, influence is carried out according to the principle of top-down, in addition, a willingness to obey is encouraged. Those children who grew up in such a family easily fit into the social structure created according to the principle of vertical organization. However, when creating their families, they try to transfer the scenarios and principles of the old into them, which can lead to the development of conflicts. Pets of a traditional family are usually characterized by lack of initiative, they do not know how to seek compromises, they are inflexible in communication and their main guidance is the attitude "it is necessary" and "so it should be."

In child-centered families, the main psychological dominant is the child, while the parents live exclusively for the sake of the children. In this case, the influence, as a rule, comes from the bottom up. For this reason, the child develops an excessive sense of his own worth and overestimated self-esteem. This is fraught with the development of conflicts with the environment in other social groups. Children from such families are deprived of an adequate assessment of themselves, so they hardly adapt to society.

In a married or democratic family, acceptance, trust and respect for freedom of choice and autonomy in relation to each other reign among its members. The influence in it is horizontal, and is a dialogue of two equal partners. Spouses respect each other's interests and treat children with respect.

In addition to those listed, several more classifications can also be distinguished. So family relationships can be matriarchal, patriarchal, egalitarian and partnership. In addition, there is a very widespread classification according to the principle of subordination: "mother-son", "father-daughter", "dominant partner", "equal partners".

All classifications and divisions are to some extent a simple convention, and the most important thing is that love, mutual understanding and harmony reign in your family.

Family relationships are usually divided into two main groups:

Harmonious type- where everything is built on harmony, mutual respect, mutual understanding.

Disharmonious type- where there is no harmony, understanding, respect, such relationships create many problems that are difficult to solve.

The harmonious type of family relationship is divided into several types.

Traditional family relationships- relationships are built on the basis of traditional family values. Much attention is paid to everyday, practical issues. Free creative self-expression occurs extremely rarely and does not fit into the system of traditional values, where the main thing is to fit into society, earn money and feed the family. The most common type of family relationship.

Dependent relationships in the family- Built on the dependence of one person to another and the desire to satisfy his desires, needs to the detriment of his own. There is an illusion and fear of losing a loved one, so everything is allowed for him, he is forgiven. Which ultimately can cause codependency.

Family partnerships- the spouses have a lot in common. They are happy to do common things, develop. There is understanding, support and sincerity between them.

Family Compromise- are characterized by the ability to make concessions, show condescension, understanding, support. The views of others are not criticized, there is a lot in common.

Disharmonious relationships in the family are of many types.

Stormy relationship- such relations in the family are characterized by a tense atmosphere with its inherent scandals, showdowns, and a showdown. Partners like to openly demonstrate violent feelings, they do not know how to restrain them. Quarrels alternate with parting, after a while there is reconciliation, and again in a circle, and so on endlessly.

Servant and master- such relationships in the family are characterized by increased care, attention, responsibility of a woman, to the detriment of her interests. A woman lays on her shoulders a lot of affairs, work. A man is not burdened with worries, troubles. The woman does everything. Treating her like a servant.

Insulation- in a relationship, secrecy, isolation, a desire to isolate oneself from the outside world, which is perceived suspiciously, is manifested. Spouses become isolated, do not maintain communication with friends, acquaintances, relatives. They choose loneliness together.

Demonstrative relationship- there is a lot of acting, posturing, farce to please others. I like to play in public. Without thinking about responsibility.

Mutual obsession- partners are so obsessed with each other that they don't need anyone else, not even children. Whether they are not, or they receive less attention. More attention goes to the partner. True, there is also a one-sided obsession, when, without receiving the proper attention, the partner begins to suspect of betrayal, or to notice that others are given more attention than him.

Family idol- usually a child becomes such an idol, he is given all the attention, love, care, to the detriment of the spouse, his desires and needs are ignored. As a result, love and understanding between them is lost.

A relationship built on strife- in this case, the struggle takes place between the spouses, there is endless rivalry, confrontation.

Each on his own- everyone has their own circle of contacts, occupations, affairs. A minimum of communication with a married spouse is characteristic, everyone lives by themselves, like neighbors in a dorm room. Only bed and sex unites. In a relationship, everything is at a minimum - emotions, feelings, mutual requirements, interest.

Characteristics of the characteristics of relations in the family, what else can be

  • Family relationships can still be both cold, frosty, and warm, hot
  • Built on pressure, manipulation, restrictions, psychological pressure
  • Honest, transparent or cloudy, cloudy
  • With a hurricane of emotions or completely emotionless, indifferent

Bad habits, such as drunkenness, are no less common in family relationships. Especially when two spouses are drinking. They tend to value themselves low, have unstable emotions, and justify their behavior.

Irrational behavior. To justify their way of life, consciously or unconsciously, they deceive themselves or others. Indulge in weakness, bad habits. Conflict occurs when there is no way to satisfy negative habits, along with bad moods and irritability.

The characteristics of family relationships depend on the form of marriage

  • By calculation
  • For mutual love
  • Affiliate - without romance and sexual desire
  • Free - extramarital affairs are present that are not frowned upon

Types of family relationships in relation to the child

Soft- there is no strict control over the child, there are no punishments. Everything is done for his well-being, they indulge in many ways, everything is forgiven. Any kind of behavior is condescending. The child grows up irresponsible with a spoiled character.

Family relationships in accordance with the moral climate

  • High level of morality
  • With an average level of morale
  • With a low level of morality
  • Immoral, immoral, conflict

Types of family relationships.

Let's start with love. What is parental love and what does it teach children?

It would seem that parents should love and accept their child by anyone: obedient and disobedient, beautiful and ugly, smart and not very, open and reserved ... That is, there can be no conditions for a child to fall in love with parents and parents for children. No wonder they say: "Parents are not chosen!" But, unfortunately, even the artists, having created a work that does not meet their expectations, throw it into a far corner or even destroy it, in a flash of despair and disappointment in themselves.

You will say: "Compared too ... The child is not a picture and lack of creativity!" Yes, a child is not a thing, but, nevertheless, he is nothing but a product of his parents! The artist puts into his work everything he can: talent (as he is), soul, time, money, health. And what are the parents investing in their child? And the same thing - parental talent, soul, time, health, money ... and much more! It seems to me that there is much more than an artist in a painting. Although ... who knows?

A lot is said and written about unconditional love, but not many people know how to love like that, because in the family where they grew up, they were loved for their intelligence, obedience, cheerful disposition, openness, honesty, beauty ...

Oh, and where are these children hiding? In fact, they were disliked (or pretended not to love) for mischief, disobedience, tiddiness, for poor grades in school ... Why else? Yes, each for his own! Who among you did not feel unloved, rejected? ..

And what does this one teach due to good behavior, parental love? Parents can't even imagine that their child can be disappointed in them, in parents, and reject, in due time?

Dear Parents!!! And where do all these unpleasant characteristics of your child come from? Let's take a look at the different types of family relationships that shape a child's personality!

Dictate! After the fall of the USSR, we all learned what "authoritarianism" is! And all this can be? Maybe? How is it? Well, yes, that's right - this is when all the members of a family unquestioningly obey one person: father, mother or grandmother (rarely grandfather for some reason). This man both punishes and pardons, he decides what to whom to do, how who should talk to him. It determines where to learn, who to whom to be (that is, what profession the representatives of the younger generation will have), and much more. Whoever has a “dictator” in his house understands what is at stake.

The "dictator" behaves this way only out of good intentions, in love with his loved ones - so it seems to him. He takes full responsibility for their lives, for their future. He always knows how and what should be. He tries to prove to everyone that without him they will be lost, they will make mistakes ... Let's accept everyone speaks only in a whisper, “walk on tiptoe”.

It is especially bad for children in such a family. Why? And because the dictator suppresses their initiative, does not allow the development of a sense of their own dignity, independence, activity. He can afford to insult and humiliate someone who dares to contradict him. By accustoming to work, he "forces"! Even talking about something, he says: "I made him go to the store!", Or "I made her wash the dishes!" A child in such a family is completely deprived of the right to vote even in those matters that relate to his personal interests: he wears the clothes that his parents buy him, he goes to the sports section that his father or mother chose for him. He may be forbidden to meet with this or that friend, only because the “dictator” does not like him, only those who are noticed by his parents develop talents for him. He could be forced to learn to sing, play the violin, etc. You can imagine what kind of musician will come out of him !!!

Hyper-care- a kind of diktat. Only the “dictator” prefers order and violence, and the “guardian” “gets” the family members with his excessive care and demonstrative love. Manipulations with a sense of guilt and a sense of duty are peculiar to him. He is the “guardian” - the most offended in the family - “no one loves him, no one cares about him, no one respects him, everyone thinks only of themselves, and only he alone loves everyone and cares about everyone, protects difficulties !!!” He requires love and attention to oneself in response to his "selfless love"!

In fact, both the "dictator" and the "guardian" care, first of all, about their peace of mind. Why should they bother themselves and think about how loved ones feel when they suppress them with their orders or excessive care? They are more comfortable and calmer when everyone listens to them, no one will contradict when everyone is doing as they want! They (both the "dictator" and the "guardian"), in fact, are indifferent to the interests and experiences of those who, as it seems to them, are in their complete power.

But sooner or later, "authoritarianism" faces resistance, both in the state and in the family! More often than not, open resistance flares up on the part of children! At first, they begin to lie, dodge, and be hypocritical. As a child grows up, he may experience outbursts of rudeness, anger, leaving home ... It happens that a rebel is defeated, his resistance is broken. But there is nothing to rejoice at, because together with resistance, the will, faith in oneself, in one's own capabilities is broken; an inferiority complex has been formed, and serious damage has been caused to the child's personality.

And if in the first case (when the resistance is not broken), another "dictator" or "guardian" grows up, then in the second (when the child was suppressed) it will be absolutely weak-willed, lack of initiative, grayness. Most likely, the life of such a person will be accompanied by a chain of failures, both in the professional and in the family sphere. Maybe he will be lucky, and he will meet on his way "the other half", which will take full responsibility for his life ... But, most likely, he will get drunk - who needs him so much? Rarely does anyone know how to love for nothing, just like that!

And now the question is: did the parents want this result?
Of course not! They are disappointed in their child, they demonstrate this to him in every possible way. His behavior annoys them! They are ashamed of their child, like an artist of a failed painting! They refuse him, try to meet less often ...

The second question: what, having become parents, can people brought up in such families give to their children?
And only what they have! They were not taught to love and appreciate their loved ones, they were not taught to respect the opinions of other people! One will impose his will on family members, and the other will viciously or indifferently obey someone !!!

What is strictness? Is this a way of suppression?
Austerity is a sensible approach based on the goals in each specific situation. This is the cultivation of the habit of observing social norms, laws, morality! But not violence against a person, not suppressing will and initiative. Severity is not a dictate and not overprotective!

What is "punishment"? Is this necessarily humiliation of human dignity? Is this necessarily "whipping" or insults?

While experiencing punishment, the child must understand that he made a mistake, he must realize that he was wrong - otherwise the punishment is useless! He must make sure that by making such mistakes in the future, he himself is depriving himself of something very important in life. And most importantly, he must be sure that he has the right to make a mistake and to correct it!

Severity and punishment, used correctly, are perceived by children as justice, conditioned by the need to "give a lesson", but not as a lack of love or its excess!

This type of relationship is usually called "Democratic". Here there is a concern for each other, and the right of an advisory vote of all family members, and the right to have their own interests and hobbies that do not cause concern to close and, of course, people around them, and the right to choose a profession. Here children are helped to develop, grow as individuals! In such families, the dignity and opinion of each family member, even if it is a child, are respected. Here, “cooperation” and mutual assistance reign. Such families produce worthy, respected people who know how to work in a team, charismatic leaders, successful businessmen ... Their parents are proud of such children.

There is another type of relationship, akin to anarchy. In psychology, it is customary to call it "Conniving". Here, too, there may be different options:
- “Dictate on the contrary,” when parents follow their child's lead and submit to his will. The child's dictate, at first, touches the parents, they encourage such behavior of the child. It grows in an atmosphere of permissiveness "whatever the child is trying to do, if only it does not cry!" He loves his parents as a source of satisfaction of his needs, and when he becomes independent, by any means having achieved his own well-being, as a rule, at the expense of others, he can forget about his parents altogether.
- "Non-interference". This happens if parents believe that "we have our own life, and the children have their own!" Children should not interfere in the life of adults, in their affairs and conversations, and parents let their children's lives take their course. In such families (most often these are families of alcoholics), children deprived of parental attention and love often fall under the foolish influence of their peers, are involved in drunkenness, drug addiction , criminal groups ... Sometimes such children grow up to be independent leaders, adapted to any conditions of life, who achieve everything “with their work and mind”! But, as a rule, these are soulless cynics who do not know how to love and appreciate loved ones, including friends. They say about such people "the street brought up"!

What is your style of family relationships is up to you to judge. To change it or not, for the good of your children, is also up to you to decide. If you decide that "you need to change something", but do not know how, then I recommend that you contact here:

With deep respect and wish of love and mutual understanding to everyone, Lyudmila Astakhova.