16 years old teenager how to find a common language. Start building an adult relationship. Transitional age. Gender characteristics
Useful Tips
The transitional age is a difficult period, both for the adolescents themselves and for their parents, teachers, and coaches. Youthful maximalism, the spirit of rebellion and contradictions, as well as the desire to show their individuality are common occurrences for adolescents.
Traditional attitudes and unshakable authorities are susceptible to doubt and criticism from adolescents who consider the older generation to be old-fashioned and sometimes stupid. Such psychological instability can lead self-confident young men and women to rather sad consequences: drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, suicide.
Therefore, during this period, it is extremely important that there are wise, attentive and patient adults next to the teenager who will not "press" with their authority, control every step or bother with excessive care and concern, but calmly, step by step, hand in hand this a difficult path together.
Here are eight simple secrets that will help you find a common language with your teenagers during a difficult transition period.
1. Don't show your weakness
Teens enjoy playing on the nerves of adults, questioning their authority and testing their strength. Thus, they protest against the adult world, proving that they have the right to their own opinion and vision of the world around them.
What should be done in this case for us adults? The main thing is to stay calm and not succumb to provocations. Shouting, raising the tone, restricting and punishing in such a situation will only aggravate the situation and strengthen the adolescent's belief that he is not only right, but also has power over the emotions of adults.
Take a deep breath, count to ten, exhale and calmly ask your child to substantiate their opinion, but be prepared for the fact that you will have to give counterarguments in response. If at the time of the conversation you cannot do this, take a time-out, and do not forget to tell the child about this (there is nothing reprehensible in the fact that you may not know something).
If the child is not ready to start a dialogue here and now, postpone the conversation until tomorrow, which will give you and him an opportunity to calm down.
2. Don't insist on soulful conversations
Each of us needs to be alone with ourselves from time to time. And teenagers are no exception. Therefore, you should not impose your communication on them, and even more so arrange interrogation with prejudice if you notice changes in the child's behavior.
In this situation, it is better to indicate that you are ready to listen to the child, but on the condition that he does not mind. Become a listener, because sometimes children just want to talk without getting advice.
If you want to comment on a situation or give advice, ask your child if he is ready to listen to you. If the answer is negative, do not insist, but say that everything is in order, while mentioning that he can always turn to you for help if necessary.
3. Set boundaries for your teen.
The desire to gain independence and self-reliance in adolescence is often achieved by violating the laws existing in society and in the family. To avoid this, it is necessary to establish boundaries that must be clearly articulated, fair and approved by both parties.
This rule-based approach will foster constructive relationships between adolescents and adults, in which everyone will clearly understand their goals and responsibilities.
At the same time, it is better to introduce the rules sequentially so as not to cause a new wave of protest in the adolescent in connection with a change in his lifestyle. If you wish, you can make a list of rules in writing.
Do not forget about the reward system for completing tasks. But here it is important that the promotion does not turn the relationship between adults and children into a trade-market one. Therefore, it is recommended not to use money as a motivator. These can be trips or the acquisition of what the child dreams of.
Remember that not only does a teenager have to adhere to the defined boundaries, but you must adhere to the established rules and fulfill your promises in order to win the respect of the child and become an example for him.
4. Show respect for your child.
A teenager is a mature personality, whose opinion and desires should be respected. He perceives direct instructions and lectures as imposing his opinion on adults, which in the end can make you "enemy number 1". Let your child solve his problems on his own, especially if he does not ask you for help and advice. Thus, you will show not only respect, but also trust in him.
At the same time, any person, regardless of age, needs support, attention and participation (it is important not to confuse participation with empathy). Therefore, in a difficult situation, if the child trusts you, he will definitely ask for help. And here it is important not just to give advice, but to consider several options for the development of events, leaving him to make an independent choice.
5. Involve your teenager in solving adult problems
One of the common mistakes adults make is that we think children are incapable of solving adult problems. We often justify this behavior by the fact that we want to protect children from unnecessary worries. And this is undoubtedly correct.
But after all, not every day we are faced with serious life situations that children are better off not knowing about. We often ignore the opinion of children, even in elementary matters. Our inability to listen sooner or later becomes the reason for the distance between children and adults.
To prevent this from happening, involve teens in solving problems that they can cope with. Give them the opportunity to express their opinion, praise for competent decisions that can and should be implemented, thereby motivating independence.
But do not criticize for irrational decisions: it is better to explain why in this situation it is better to act differently. Remember that constant criticism kills all initiative and the desire to act.
When a child reaches adolescence, he does his best to protect himself from his parents, but it is during this period that it is very important to maintain a close relationship with the child based on trust. Children's attempts to isolate themselves from loved ones very often meet with incomprehension among parents and can cause serious anxiety and problems, and if we add to this the inexplicable aggression of a teenager, which can periodically be replaced by protest silence and isolation.
Even if you have never experienced difficulties in communicating with your child before, adolescence can be a serious challenge for your relationship.
In adolescence, children can only allow communication with friends, ignoring the insistent desire of parents to talk heart to heart. For many families, this behavior of a teenager becomes a serious problem and is perceived by parents as a manifestation of disrespect, and this further alienates the parents from the teenager.
At this age, it is extremely important for a teenager to be accepted by his peers, to be part of the social group whose values and behavioral norms are close to him in spirit. By protestingly breaking the emotional bond with their parents, schoolchildren completely succumb to the influence of the company and can do a lot of stupid things. For a teenager, the street is a welcome group of friends, and if this company does not accept him for some reason, the teenager feels depressed and abandoned.
However, such protest behavior of a teenager does not mean that a teenager does not need parents during this difficult period. Quite the opposite - adolescents need support and understanding no less than young children. Keeping a close relationship with a child during adolescence can help keep them away from street problems and drug addiction. A teenager should not only realize that his parents love him, but also see his parents nearby every day - in the morning at breakfast, in the evening, on weekends. In close-knit families, it is easier for children to adapt to study loads in high school if they eat regularly and are less likely to overeat, which reduces the number of teenage complexes and conflicts in the children's team (read the link).
How can a parent find a common language with a teenager if he is trying with all his might to distance himself from them?
- If the relationship is damaged, it must be fixed. ... If the usually open child avoids communication with you and constantly sits in his room, you need to talk to him. Only for a confidential conversation you need the right moment. In addition, in the process of dialogue, you need to tell the child about your feelings and experiences about the deterioration of relations with the child. Very often, adolescents are afraid to confess about problems at school, fearing to hear from their parents another educational tirade.
- Accept the child's informal interests in exchange for their trust ... Think about what is more important to you - your child's trust or scandals because of his appearance, prioritize. Remain for the child a bearer of more global and important values - decency and honesty in relationships, respect for the opinion of another person, activity and hard work, as well as being an example of support and reliability. Understand that it is better for your child to show his rebellious spirit in appearance, without causing serious harm to anyone, than he will splash out his aggression on more serious actions.
- The right place for a conversation is the key to a successful conversation with a teenager. ... As a rule, adolescents avoid direct eye-to-eye contact - they cannot withstand such contact psychologically and try to escape. It is more likely to call the child to a frank conversation when you are busy with something, for example, do something, cook, wash, drive a car. It is also good for adolescents to contact on a walk together or lying in bed in the evening. When calling a teenager into a non-frank conversation, you need to remember that many of them, especially guys, are embarrassed to openly demonstrate their feelings.
- Come up with a common socializing hobby ... Parents of teenagers will never distance themselves from each other if they have common interests and hobbies. It can be traveling together, playing sports, walking in the park, cheering for your favorite football team.
- Stop reading morality to your teenager - he expects only understanding from you ... Over the years, a child is tired of reading lectures - in adolescence he is brought up thanks to the home atmosphere and the behavior of his parents at home and in society.
Adolescence is dangerous from the point of view that children do not yet know how to express their emotions in words.
While the child is small, it seems to the parents - well, a little bit is left, he will start crawling, walking, eating and going to the potty himself, will go to kindergarten, to school - in general, he will become more independent, and then it will be easier for us. But it was not so! Popular wisdom says: "Small troubles are small troubles, and big children are big troubles." Of course, not everything is so sad, children bring us a lot of joy, but nobody canceled the difficulties of each stage of their growing up. As you get older, your yesterday's toddler turns into a teenager and gets out of hand when you see and warn his every move. Now he learns to go his own way, making mistakes that hurt and sad to you to look at, but this is the price of growing up and experience.
Adolescence is a difficult time not only for parents, but also for the teenager himself. During this period (usually teenagers are called girls and boys 12-18 years old), a tremendous hormonal restructuring of the body takes place, entailing serious psychological changes. A way out of a stable and comfortable feeling of being a child, when adults are authoritative, the world around them is friendly, interests are stable, is a colossal stress. Not without reason for psychologists and psychiatrists a teenager is a person with a "borderline" psyche, who is "allowed" to be nervous and sometimes inadequate.
During this period, it is important to find a common language with a teenager, and not try to teach life and scold, even if it seems to you that he has become absolutely unbearable, "got out of hand", is rude and does not want to learn. The problem of "fathers and children" is eternal, because with all our desire we cannot go back to the time when we ourselves argued with our own parents, and feel our feelings of that time.
The importance of home and parenting for a teenager
It may seem strange, but for a teenager, the closeness and attention of parents is necessary almost the same as for a very small child, only it should naturally manifest itself in a different way. Even if it seems to you that the child has withdrawn, stopped talking about what worries him and what is happening in his life, this does not mean at all that he does not need parental support. Needed, and how! But eliciting details that interest you, trying to speak his language (for example, using slang and a sudden interest in rock music), showing tenderness will only irritate him. However, your child should feel that what is happening to him is important to you, so it is still necessary to ask questions, as well as try to spend time with the whole family. The main thing is that the questions are not intrusive, otherwise the effect will be the opposite - the teenager will simply withdraw into himself. Try to replace the interrogative form with the statement of facts - "Daughter, you are kind of sad today."
When the surrounding world becomes complex, the home for a teenager remains a necessary "shelter", a real island of stability. Do not deprive your adult child of this safe haven with your reproaches and questions. So you will only complicate the situation and push him, who is in "disheveled" feelings, to the companies of the same confused, and, possibly, embittered young people. Respect your teen's privacy. In no case do not enter his room without knocking, show that you accept his right to be alone. The teenager's room is his "cave", where the owner is only him. Let the furniture be arranged as it is convenient for him, posters with your favorite performers or actors hang on the wall, even if the photos seem ugly or creepy to you. Think - after all, it will also be unpleasant for you if someone starts to indicate that this vase does not fit the interior, or to keep a close eye on you when you want to retire and relax.
How to communicate with a teenager correctly?
1. Start building an adult relationship
Understand that your child is no longer a child at all, and even if not completely formed, but a personality. Do not demand unquestioning obedience, this will only cause a protest, no matter in the form of aggression or passive disobedience.
Try to convey to your teenager that being an adult is not only making your own decisions, but also being responsible for them. Don't panic at every little trouble - let your child learn to deal with them himself.
2. Do not compare a teenager with yourself at his age, and even more so with his peers
We are constantly surprised at technical innovations and changes in the minds and souls of people, but for some reason we expect children to be the same as we are at their age. With everyone's awareness thanks to the Internet, barely covered by the propaganda of its Async: true)); )); t = d.getElementsByTagName ("script"); s = d.createElement ("script"); s.type = "text / javascript"; s.src = "//an.yandex.ru/system/context.js"; s.async = true; t.parentNode.insertBefore (s, t); )) (this, this.document, "yandexContextAsyncCallbacks");
Comparing a child, even in a private conversation, with a daughter or the son of neighbors or another familiar teenager, will only cause aggression and misunderstanding. Few people like the comparison against their own advantage, and in adolescence, self-esteem is most vulnerable.
3. Do not shout or scold
Communication in raised tones is almost always meaningless, another question is that in a state of powerlessness it is quite difficult to keep emotions under control. This is a science that needs to be mastered. Every time you feel like raising your voice, try to contain the first impulse (psychologists advise in such cases to count to ten). Constant screaming and "assaults", as teenagers say, leads to a reverse reaction - what does not suit you as a parent will not change - the child will simply start to ignore what he hears and hide unseemly actions.
Speak in the first person: do not "You skipped school again!" or “Don't be rude,” but “I am worried about your academic performance,” or “Dad and I were very offended by your tone.” Do you feel the difference? Never forget that the treatment of any person, including your own child, should be the way you want it to be for yourself.
4. Consult with your child
In some areas, our children are much more "advanced" than us. And you can quite honestly ask for advice, for example, in choosing a new phone or installing a new program downloaded from the Internet. In such a situation, the teenager feels like an adult and independent, which increases his self-esteem and brings him closer to the parent who asked for advice.
5. Show interest in his work.
By showing your child that his activities are interesting and important to you, you show respect for him. Of course, this must be done sincerely. At first, you may not notice much change in your relationship, but when the teenager is convinced that there is no catch, he will happily share with you your success in online games, sports or creative achievements.
6. Have a conversation while we are together and on the road.
Most often, adolescents do not want to spend time with their family at all - friends, first love relationships, the Internet and hobbies become more important for them than their “boring ancestors”. And this is absolutely normal! It happens that children begin to be ashamed of their parents, and no one is to blame for this situation. It's just that right now a growing person wants to be independent, not a child, and next to his mother, willy-nilly, he returns to childhood and loses his newfound freedom.
How to be? Communication with a teenager is very important during this period, so do not insist on joint "outings", but offer your daughter, for example, to help you a little with cooking, and let your son and dad go fishing or rummage in the car. We all know that working together brings people closer together, and it’s easier to tell a young man about something exciting in a relaxed situation, rather than looking into the eyes of the parent sitting opposite.
Communication while traveling by car is a good option. Being close, and not opposite each other, moreover, on "neutral" territory, it becomes easier for both parties to establish contact.
7. Communicate virtually
Master the virtual methods of communication, if you have not already done so - social networks, ICQ will help a teenager to relax and talk about things that he will keep silent about in personal communication.
8. Set the Right Example
Requiring a teenager not to smoke or drink, while for parents this is the norm, to say the least. You can no longer just say, as a kid, that it is "cocoa". If you can, why can't he? This also applies to the usual way of communication - if it is not customary in a family to show respect and tell each other, including children, everything is honest and open, you should not expect a teenager to pour out his soul to you.
Of course, there are no ideal families and ideal parents. But in some aspects, it is enough to at least realize the problem, and reflect on whether you are asking too much of the teenager.
What to do if a teenager does not obey and does not follow the rules?
Most of the "wrong" actions from your point of view, the teenager commits absolutely without any malicious intent. He's not bad at all, just vulnerable and agitated. Here it is important to distinguish between harsh, albeit unpleasant actions (a rude word, disobedience about clothes or the volume of music) and real rudeness and going beyond the bounds of decency (for example, coming home drunk). In the first case, it is enough to show without words that the child's behavior has upset you - after all, he is not evil, he still loves you and does not want to hurt you. Such a strategy will be more effective than comments and categorical instructions. If you see "malicious intent" in the behavior of a teenager, the consistency of committing unseemly acts, he is rude to you - this behavior must be nipped in the bud. Parents, of course, should be friends for their child, but at the same time authoritative, and not annoying "old people" who silently swallow insults. Feel what is happening in the soul of a teenager - after all, this is your child, you know him like no one else.
And most importantly - remember that the transitional age ends sooner or later. Show wisdom and patience, and you will be able to maintain a warm and kind relationship with your child, and you will remember his teenage "tricks" with a smile.!Our expert - psychologist, candidate of medical sciences Irina Petrova.
Is this prickly and stubborn, eternally snarling, intractable and irritable to explosiveness guy really that clear-eyed smiling kid who, until recently, happily ran towards you when you came to pick him up from the extended stay? Is it possible that he just recently, in a trusting whisper, was telling you his childhood secrets and didn’t fall asleep until you kiss and hug him? .. Yes, it’s him!
Familiar strangers
A transitional age can only be compared with a natural disaster. Such a storm occurs at this time in the body. A completely different person looks at the teenager from the mirror: the wrong face, body, smell. Growing up is not easy. Not all children in adolescence look attractive: many develop acne, skin and hair become too oily, the skeleton grows unevenly. Girls sometimes gain excess weight at this time. Then these "ugly ducklings", of course, will align and become beautiful swans, but for now - a disaster! And it would be okay it was only in physiology. The biggest problem that hormones carry is psychological instability. A child in adolescence is faced with the collapse of the familiar world. Unshakable authorities are crumbling - not only teachers, but also parents seem stupid and old-fashioned. Their advice looks meaningless, their attention and care seem annoying, their demands seem unfounded.
Knock - they will open for you
What should mums and dads do? Scold, scold, teach life? Or try with all your might to break through the blank wall of alienation and hostility? Or maybe leave the teenager alone and not notice his "freaks" until he "goes crazy"?
Of course, one should not scold - parental "assaults" at first will upset the child, and later he will simply ignore them. Yes, and you should not step back. Indeed, despite the terrible behavior, a teenager at this difficult time simply needs parental support. Another thing is that it must be very delicate. You should not unceremoniously invade the personal space of an adult child (and his room, by the way, too). And you don't need to impose your communication and help on him, go in with questions and advice when not asked. Also try to reduce the control to a reasonable level, of course. Explain to your child that you are very worried when you do not know where he is and with whom, so let him inform you where he is and when he will return. But calling him every 15 minutes is no longer.
Teenagers often reject their parents and subvert their authority. And that's okay. Only in this way does the formation of personality take place. But this does not mean that they do not need loved ones. Vice versa. In this difficult period, they, almost like babies, need full acceptance and unconditional parental love. Therefore, in no case should you not notice the child, not be interested in what is important to him, devalue his interests. The only worse thing is to criticize and compare your (bad) child with the neighbor's (good) boy.
Honesty Above All
Be sincere and kind. If you do not share the child's hobbies (punk music, for example), there is no need to scold what is dear to your child. Better just ask him to tell you what exactly attracted him to this subculture. And then invite him to listen to what you like.
Another mistake the parents of a teenager make is to try to pass themselves off as "theirs." That is, all of a sudden, for no reason at all, start using youth slang in speech, put on teenage clothes, or go to a rock concert with your child and his company (when this music annoys you). After all, it won't be possible to pretend for a long time - and the "wolf in sheep's clothing" will surely figure out what will end up with the child's disappointment in the parent.
But it is still necessary to become a little more "advanced", otherwise it will really be difficult for the child to find a common language with the "old people". Therefore, it is important to be able to use a tablet and create pages in social networks where the child is sitting. Virtual communication is more usual for modern children - it will be easier to find contact this way.
Equally
The main conflict between fathers and children is that children demand respect for themselves, confirmation of their rightness and "adulthood", while "fathers" are sure that they have not yet grown to such an attitude. But respect does not depend on age. So end up with an authoritarian communication style. Do not demand obedience, but explain why you need to behave this way and not otherwise. And show your child as often as possible that their opinion is important to you. Consult with him on everyday issues, discuss philosophical and everyday things, talk about relationships between people. But, showing respect for the child's opinion and giving him the right to make independent decisions, demand from him and adult responsibility. For your words and deeds. Adult life is like that, let it get used to it.
Little kids - little troubles
Of course, democracy is great. But flirting with it is dangerous. After all, parents are not only the best friends for their child, but also adults who must educate him and be responsible for him. There are situations in which you need to be tough. If a child goes beyond: for example, he comes home drunk or does not spend the night at home, is rude, does something else reprehensible, in no case should one put up with this, but it is necessary to strictly suppress it in the bud.
by the way
It is impossible to do without reproaches and edifications. But when expressing your dissatisfaction, try to avoid mocking intonations, accusatory and offensive constructions. Instead of directive phrases: "To no longer dare to skip!" or "Just try to be rude to me again, you brat!" say: “I’m afraid you will not enter the university you dream about with such academic performance” and “How you upset me with your rudeness!”
First reader
Writer Albina Nuri
The main thing in a relationship with a teenage child is to respect him. Balance is important: you need to be constantly present in the lives of children so that they know: you are always there, but at the same time avoid total control. I have three “no's”: not to prohibit without explanation;
do not violate personal space; do not dismiss the problems and judgments of the sons.