In today's society, being a widow is a little more honorable than having the status of a "divorcee." Widows are not particularly loved in society, they are even wary of. At the same time, they are sorry. Although it is not difficult for them to get married again, especially in the countryside, where it is very difficult for a single woman to live without a man. This is how it is now, and how it was a hundred years ago.

People have long been wary and even fearful of widows. It was believed that widows bring bad luck. They even believed that the second husband would also die soon. Such cases still take place today. I even knew one such village woman who was twice a widow. Psychologist Alla Chaikovskaya is sure that the daily communication of a man with a widow becomes fatal for him. Her biofield has the ability to absorb other people's energy. And the person next to you suddenly starts to get sick or has a lot of problems with work, finances and other people.

Even accidents can happen. Often subconsciously, men go to break with such a woman.

Where does widowhood come from? Bioenergetics believe that there are several reasons for widowhood: the cover of the "black widow", karmic widowhood, the husband's vampirism. "Black Widow" is considered one of the most severe types of curse that can be sent to a woman. Such a curse is either magical in nature, or is imposed at a moment of very strong emotional stress. And the “black widow” herself may not suspect where the source of evil comes from. It often happens that the widow herself becomes a victim of someone's evil will.

It turns out that widowhood can be inherited from the mother. Often the daughter repeats the fate of the mother, both in the case of widowhood and in the case of an unsettled personal life. Usually such a woman becomes a widow at the same age as her mother. Psychics believe that women themselves are to blame for this - they trigger this mechanism.

Widows also become women who have tied their fate with a male vampire. It can be severely ill, aggressive, or addicted to alcohol or drugs. A vampire husband destroys his wife's protection, and during his life and even after death he does not want to let her go, continuing to pump out energy. By the way, I myself foolishly had the imprudence to contact the addict - the outcome of the situation is natural. Believe it or not, but for six months I felt the presence of the spirit of the deceased next to me. And until the fortieth day, he knocked on the walls in the house, on the windows. Moreover, it simply could not go on about the neighbor who had come, because the two Caucasian shepherd dogs were silent in the yard, and the cat hissed and stood on end. There are several witnesses to this. He let me go only after meeting my current husband.

Widows were at least wary of, but they were treated especially. From time immemorial, the people were confident in the supernatural and even prophetic power of widow's words, and curses were sure to be fulfilled. There was even a saying: "Widow's tears will fall on your head." And offending a widow is a great sin. In folklore, there are echoes of the fact that even criminals tried not to harm the widow. Ukrainian folk song says:

The widow went through the valley
With a little child.
The strength of the widow of oddihati;
If there are three barge haulers,
One seems to be: kill the widow!
Another seems to be: what a child!
The third one seems to be: not vb "e m widow,
Little baby

Even now, people believe that a widow cannot be offended. I myself was a widow. And when they robbed my house, the villagers said that the thieves had sinned very much and punishment would overtake them.

In the old days, there were far fewer widows in the village than widowers. And this despite significant mortality during childbirth and postpartum complications. Historian Oksana Kis believes that this is why the widow woman was to some extent considered a social anomaly and, like everything abnormal, caused alertness. By the way, in many countries there is a custom that a woman, having become a widow, seems to fall out of society.

The attitude in society towards her is changing dramatically. It even imposes certain restrictions. For example, there is a ban that prohibits the use of a widow's things. People avoid her like a leper. And inviting a widow to a wedding is considered a bad omen. Today, in many countries, widowhood is considered a punishment from God.

In Ukraine in the 19th century, the participation of widows in rituals associated with marriage or birth was limited almost everywhere. So, the widow had no right to be a loaf girl (a woman who is invited to bake a loaf on the eve of the wedding), did not take part in the wedding train of the young. And at the baptism of a newborn, she was never invited to be a godfather. For example, in Polissya a widow could not be a midwife. However, during funeral rites, it was she who was assigned the most significant role: washing the deceased, night vigil near the body, mourning. Oksana Kis believes that this state of affairs is explained, from the point of view of archaism, by the proximity of the widow to the world of the dead.

In the old days in the village there was a magical rite of praying for widows to rain during a drought. Oksana Kis in her study “Ukrainians (in the 19th - early 20th centuries) have a special attitude to the widow” cites the stories of the villagers: “When there was a severe drought, nine wives went into the river - these were supposed to be widow wives. And there they prayed, sang God's songs and wet their feet. They will sit down on the stones, get their feet wet, and so they sat for three hours. And in Boykovshchina, old widows were sent into the water - they had to wash and bathe. And after them they said: "Let them be drought." In Polissya, in order to make it rain, a widow would steal pots from a potter and throw them into a well, pour water on the pasture and sow poppies in the well. Alas, today in Chernihiv region no one remembers this ritual. In the Zhytomyr region in the old days, three widows went around the old well with bread and salt.

As for the position of widows in the old days in the countryside, they, unlike other women, were full members of the rural community: they had the right to participate in village meetings, had a vote in the election of foremen.

In Ukraine, in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, a widowed woman became an independent mistress, inheriting all the rights and duties of her late husband. Usually widows married men much younger than themselves and, as a rule, poor. They said about such a marriage that the guy was attached to the woman - she is older, and she is the mistress. Modern rural widows, as a rule, do not stay alone for a long time - it is hard to keep a household alone. They are not condemned, but they are not particularly helped. They usually say about them: “I didn’t have time to bury one, I already jumped out for another.” And no matter how much time has passed since the death of her husband. And a hundred - one hundred and fifty years ago, the villagers believed that if a woman was widowed and had not yet had time to have children, then God punished her and she did not need help. Almost like now...

Reference. Darina Sozh is a former journalist from Kyiv who moved to a Ukrainian village a few years ago. All articles by the author can be read .

Below you will find signs that people who have buried a loved one need to know - when you can open the mirror after the funeral, do cleaning and repairs, watch TV. There are many restrictions and prohibitions that were invented by our ancestors, for the most part, back in pre-Christian times.

When to open the mirror

A well-known fact - after the death of a person, it is supposed to close all reflective surfaces. These are not only mirrors, but also TVs, computer monitors and other things in which you can see your reflection. This is done so that the reflection of the deceased does not remain in the house, and his ghost is not alive.

About when you can open the mirror after the funeral, it will take a lot. One at a time, you can do it right away after returning from the cemetery and commemoration. According to other beliefs, this is done after three days, or not earlier than the ninth day after death. But these are all modern traditions. In the villages to this day they remove the curtains from the mirrors only on the 41st day when the fate of the soul of the deceased has already been decided.

Signs are based on the path of the deceased. So, after three days after death, the guardian angel takes him away to inspect paradise. For 9 days, he will appear before the Lord and go to inspect hell. On the 40th day, the soul is given the final verdict on where it will stay. Since only the first three days after death the soul is among the living, you can open the mirrors after it leaves it. That is, on the fourth day. It used to be that all 40 days the soul can visit relatives from time to time. Therefore, they did not open the mirrors all this time.

Sometimes the mirrors do not hang at all. For example, when a person died in a hospital, and his body is taken to the cemetery from the morgue, and not from home. It is not right. The soul of a person will still return home and stay near people close to him during his lifetime. Sometimes only those mirrors that are located where the deceased is located are closed. It is also not true, because the soul will wander through all the rooms of the house.

Some Slavic signs claim that the one who first looks into the mirror opened after the funeral will soon die. To prevent this, the cat is brought to the mirror first. She is not afraid of this sign.

Can I watch TV

For obvious reasons, there are no old signs about this, but as mentioned above, TVs are supposed to be closed, like mirrors. You can open them simultaneously with mirrors. That is, either after the funeral, or after the third, ninth or fortieth day.

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The church does not prohibit watching TV, but recommends to refrain from entertainment at least nine days. You can watch news, educational programs, but it is better to postpone watching movies and talk shows. You can not turn on the TV in the house where the deceased lies. Wait until the funeral is over. If the deceased was not a person close to you, the restriction does not apply to you.

These rules also apply to listening to music. The exception is church hymns. If you have such a desire, you can listen to classical music. By the way, the funeral orchestra is a Soviet innovation. In the old days, they were accompanied by prayers and religious chants.

Do you keep photos of the dead?

The answer is yes. Photos are memories of a dear person, a memory for his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. By destroying photographs of the deceased, you allow his descendants to never know about him.

But still the image of the deceased is associated with world of the dead. Psychics can tell from a photo whether a person is alive or not. Therefore, it is not worth looking at photographs of the deceased too often. You can also not overdo it with their number on the walls, shelves and tables. Do not hang near portraits of living people, separate living and dead energies. The best place for storage is a photo album.

Much more negative are the photographs taken during the funeral. It's best not to do them. But, if there are already photos, it is better to destroy them. It doesn't matter what is depicted there - a coffin, a cemetery, a funeral process, they are a strong source of necrotic energy.

When to clean the apartment

While there is a dead person in the house, cleaning and taking out the trash is not allowed. Otherwise, another person in this house may die. According to legend, the cleaner will sweep or wash him out of the dwelling.

You need to clean up immediately after the removal of the coffin. For the deceased, they sweep and wash the floors at a time when the mourners on their last journey have already left for the cemetery. This is done to immediately sweep away death, illness, grief from the house.

Moreover, such light cleaning cannot be done by blood relatives of the deceased. It is better for them to contact the emanations of death less, so that the deceased does not take his loved ones with him. Do not clean up after the dead and pregnant women. Usually one of the family friends is asked to sweep and mop the floor. Only he must remain in the apartment after the removal of the coffin. After that, the person joins the mourners at the wake, he is not present at the cemetery.

Some things are especially strongly saturated with the energy of death. So, the stools or table on which the coffin stood are taken out into the street for several days and left there with their legs up. This is done in order to get rid of this energy. The apartment has a balcony.

Be sure to take everything from the house that is connected with the mournful ceremony. These are the remnants of fabric for upholstery of the coffin, chips from it, as well as other ritual paraphernalia, except for a portrait with a black ribbon, a glass of water and a piece of bread. All flowers brought by the mourners are supposed to be left on the grave - they are intended for the deceased.

They also do not leave in the house the tool that was used to take measurements for the coffin, it brings death to another tenant during the year. Nothing is taken from the coffin. The ropes with which they tied the hands of the deceased, the pennies that lay in front of their eyes - all this should remain in the coffin. Candles are taken to the cemetery, as well as the grain in which they stood. It is also impossible to store the icon that stood in front of the coffin. She is allowed down the river or taken to the church.

When is it possible to clean up after the funeral, if the question is general cleaning or tidying up the room of the deceased? At any time, but after the commemoration or the removal of the coffin. If at the same time you open the mirrors, they should also be washed. If you decide to keep them closed for 3, 9, or 40 days, save that for later.

Is it possible to make repairs

Repair after the funeral can be done, but only as it passes 40 days after death. The soul of the deceased visits from time to time to see how loved ones live. She would like to see the familiar environment, changes can anger the spirit.

After 40 days, at least, it will be necessary to replace the bed on which the deceased slept, as well as the bed (sofa, floor or staircase covering, armchair, etc.) that has become a deathbed. The bed of a dead person must not be used by his bloodline. It can be given away or sold. Putting a new bed is optional, use the freed space as you see fit.

The place of death will exude necrotic energy for several more years. Therefore, it is supposed to replace everything that came into contact with the dying, be it the floor covering where he fell, or furniture and bed linen. As a rule, such things are thrown away or burned. In the villages, they act a little differently - they take them to the chicken coop for three, so that the rooster "sings all the negativity."

Deceased's personal belongings, as a rule, distribute to the poor or sell. This doesn't just apply to clothes. Favorite cup or plate, ashtray, anti-stress toy - you should not keep it all. Although many leave in memory of the deceased.

What else not to do after the funeral

In the house where the person died, you can not do laundry. This prohibition is valid while the coffin is in the house. That is, after the funeral, you can start putting your clothes in order.

Can I swim after the funeral? Beliefs recommend doing this at the same time when you decide to remove the fabric from reflective surfaces. That is, immediately after the commemoration, in three, nine or forty days. In the old days, they washed only on the 41st day after death.

Among the things not to do after the funeral are noisy holidays. It is undesirable to arrange celebrations within 40 days. Birthday party better to reschedule or cancel altogether. But you can celebrate it modestly, in the family circle, without loud music and noise.

The nine-day, and preferably forty-day ban also applies to the wedding, but here everything depends on the emotional state of the relatives of the deceased. In addition, a wedding is a pre-arranged event associated with high costs. If you are getting married earlier than forty days have passed since the death of a relative, during the celebration you need to mention this and pay tribute to the memory of the deceased. Weddings are allowed at any time.

Many believe that among the things not to do after the funeral of a loved one are trips and travel. This is not true. They will help to distract, but during the trip it is worth giving up various entertainment activities. Do not forget to remember the deceased and pray for his soul during the holidays.

In addition, the relatives of the deceased cannot sew and have their hair cut for forty days. If there is a need to repair clothes, you will have to do this. But tailoring, which is not urgent, should be postponed. The same goes for haircuts. Bangs interfere with daily activities? Get rid of her. But if it's about changing your image, do it in forty days.

The same amount of time for the family of the deceased you can't drink alcohol. Perhaps the ban is due to the fact that grief is an accomplice of alcoholism. But funeral signs also forbid drinking at the wake. The reason is that alcoholism is a sin. For forty days, relatives can pray for a sinful person. If at this time they sin, it will only complicate his afterlife.

After the funeral, they go only to the wake, and from there - home. You can’t go to visit, otherwise death will come to that house. You can visit or go on business only on the day following the funeral and commemoration. The commemoration is also the ninth and fortieth day, and after them this prohibition also applies. You can also not go to celebrations that take place in public places - birthdays, weddings.

They don't go from wake to wake. If two deceased are commemorated on the same day, choose the one who is closer to you. But you can also say goodbye to several dead people, support relatives, and express grief. During the funeral, do not visit the graves of relatives and friends. This time you came to only one deceased, and visiting others will be regarded as disrespectful.

Church opinion

There are many beliefs that are supposed to be observed after the funeral. This will help protect against necrotic energy, diseases and other troubles. In addition, some signs are aimed at improving the afterlife of the deceased and his cleansing from sins.

Valeria Zhilyaeva

Alas, dreams that marriage is concluded once and for all, sometimes they remain dreams. Remarriage is now far from uncommon. Of course, everyone hopes that the next marriage will be more successful.

After all, it would seem that nothing new will arise in this matter. However, difficulties still appear. The problems of a second marriage differ, first of all, in the fact that there are ex-spouses and joint children from previous marriages husband and wife. Or the reason for the separation lies in the death of the spouse, which also entails certain psychological difficulties.

When a widower marries, that's normal. However, for a woman who decides to marry a widowed man, everything can turn into a disaster.

Marriage to a Widower Can Have Many Emotional Problems

Some women, thinking about whether to agree to marry a widower, come up with a superstition for themselves that the fate of the deceased spouse can befall her too. However, all this is nothing more than "grandmother's tales." You should not believe in such things if you want to build a strong family with a widower.

The main difficulty in such a marriage is that an imaginary competition with the deceased spouse may arise. This is especially true if the man himself “warms up” this feeling in his new wife.

It goes without saying that you can’t get away from the “baggage” of a past life. If you don't want your man to have a second failed marriage, follow these guidelines:

1. Accept your spouse's past. It will be much easier for you if you allow yourself to have confidential conversations with your husband on all topics, including the death of your last wife. Show respect for his feelings.
2. Come to terms with the memories. Sometimes a spouse may remember a deceased life partner. Do not be jealous in such cases. Believe me, if he remembers his first wife, this does not mean at all that he does not love you.
3. find a compromise concerning the personal belongings of the deceased. If you are uncomfortable that a man keeps some items that are related to his deceased wife, discuss this with him. When speaking, show maximum patience and mercy.
4. Set boundaries. You don't have to be an eternal "vest". You also deserve unconditional respect and understanding, as you are his wife. Don't be afraid to tell the man how you feel, but also let him know that you care about how he feels.

The statistics of remarriages is such that almost half of them end in separation. If you do not want to replenish the number of couples who have not managed to build harmonious relationships, do not neglect the help of a family psychologist when the need arises.

Happy remarriage

If you are determined to marry a widower, remember that he, with all his desire, will not be able to change or forget his past. Create with him your history and your joint memories. Over time, you will notice that the first spouse is remembered by him less and less.

Signs are inexorable and here. Someone will say that it is definitely impossible to marry a widow, because there is a risk that the fate of her first husband will be repeated. However, all this is just as illogical as the question "can a man marry his widow's sister."

Marriage with a widow can be successful if you show maximum sensitivity and attention to a woman.

It is not easy for a widow to marry again. The pain of loss, heavy grief and the memory of her first husband hang like a burden on her soul. A man who decides to marry such a woman needs show maximum patience and generosity.

When a widow gets married is up to her to decide. Do not rush things and insist on marriage. Sometimes it is very difficult for women to take such a step.

Date of a man and a woman - marry a widow

In addition, it is worth considering that such a marriage is fraught with some emotional difficulties. The first thing that awaits a man is test by the past of a widowed woman. No one likes comparisons with another person, but in such a situation, you will have to accept or leave. Endless breakdowns and scandals about this will lead to a break with a 100% probability.

Another difficulty lies in the peculiarities of human memory. It is likely that a woman over time already forgot about the flaws deceased spouse and remembers only the good. Difficulties begin from the moment when she begins to idealize that man.

The good news is that all these difficulties are temporary. Remember, that " a drop sharpens a stone". Show patience and love for a woman who has lost her husband, and soon the pain of loss will subside, memories will be replaced by new ones, and the “ghost” of the first husband will go far into the background.

Show love in remarriage

Marry a divorced man or marry a divorced woman

There are pros and cons to a relationship with a divorced man or woman. It does not matter if this is the second or the fourth marriage - the situation will develop in the same way each time.

You should only start a family with a divorced person if you are ready to accept his past.

Benefits of marrying a divorcee man:

1. He appreciates a serious relationship and does not exchange for trifles. A man or woman who creates a family after a divorce is aimed at strong and harmonious relationships.
2. Such a person knows how to communicate with a partner and what function he should perform.
3. The presence of a certain experience and emancipation in intimate life.
4. Life experience will allow you not to repeat the banal mistakes of amateur couples.

But there is also cons of such an alliance:

1. A partner who has already been married has his own established principles. You should carefully select the words in communication with him, so as not to hurt the living.
2. After one unsuccessful marriage, a person is in no hurry to re-tie these bonds.
3. New relationships can only be a way to forget the old ones.
4. A person may regularly complain about the first marriage and spouse.

In addition, a divorced person may have children from a previous marriage. They will also require attention, money and effort. And this will need to come to terms.

Children in remarriage

How to get married a second time?

It’s hard for a woman to be alone, but at the same time she is afraid that the next relationship will follow the same scenario, so the question of whether to marry a second time is relevant for her.

Almost all divorced women at first after parting believe that they will never get married again.

Divorce is not the end of the world. The second marriage for a woman is more than possible, as well as the third and all subsequent ones.

To happy marriage you need to take into account these simple tips:

1. Close the "door" to the old relationship. It is impossible to start a new life if you are still mentally in the old one.
2. Set a goal. Visualize your desire for a successful marriage. Describe your future husband on a piece of paper. Consider everything - appearance, character, attitude towards you and towards life.
3. Do not look for a father to a child from the first husband. He has a father. It is important that a man shows goodwill and respect for the child, and fatherly feelings will arise over time.
4. Don't settle for a relationship without commitment. The so-called "civil" marriage is also a relationship without obligations, which will become a ballast for you. Let the man know that you will live together only after submitting an application to the registry office.

How to remarry

Second marriage for a man

Marrying a second time is just as psychologically difficult for a man as it is for a woman. As the saying goes, if you burn yourself in milk, you blow on the water. However, sooner or later the question “is it worth getting married a second time” will come up with an edge.

Many men after the first marriage lose their meaning in the official registration of relationships.

And if he was already in a second marriage, then it is much more difficult to decide on a third marriage. The third marriage for a man, like the third marriage for a woman, is perceived as if they are stepping on the same rake with a running start. After all, nothing has happened twice, where is the guarantee that third marriages will be happy?

Indeed, there is no such guarantee, and fear is quite natural. It is important to understand here that any relationship is unpredictable, but from trouble, alas, no one is immune. But be afraid of wolves, don't go into the forest, right?

Man afraid of remarriage

You need to decide for yourself the issue of remarriage on your own. The main thing is not to pull the past negative experience into your present. Be happy here and now and help your partner in this.

March 30, 2018, 01:54

Vietnamese students never eat bananas before important exams or tests. The fact is that these fruits are associated with the word "slippery", and it, in turn, is consonant with "failure".

What awaits you in the near future:

Find out what's in store for you in the near future.

Signs for widows and about widows - mysticism or reality?

Often people who have tragically lost their "half" with great difficulty establish a happy family life. Popular rumor is frightening: having buried one husband, she can repeat this sad experience again. So what signs of a widow should be taken into account so that in the future misfortune does not happen again?

How not to become a "black widow"

Hot temper and foul language do not adorn men, and they are even more unsuitable for women. The habit of cursing at the slightest provocation is fraught with serious consequences. Sometimes, in her hearts, wishing death to the offender of the opposite sex, the lady starts the terrible mechanism of death. And it turns into that very "black widow" who is not destined to build a strong family.

The curse doesn't start right away. Sometimes several years pass, nasty words have long been forgotten - and suddenly a tragedy occurs with the addressee of that spontaneous damage. From that moment on, evil returns again and again, taking away everyone whom a woman loves and wishes to bring closer to herself. If some kind of “devilry” is going on with the next chosen one, these are serious signs for the widow, requiring a rethinking of their own attitude to life. First of all, it is necessary to reconcile with the enemies and let go of past grievances.

Widowhood is no barrier to further happiness

Widowed women in Russia were not outcasts. On the contrary, they often turned out to be very attractive brides, as they had their own property, which they could dispose of without regard to older relatives. There were no special rituals that told how the widow should get married again - the signs for the most part concerned how to keep the next spouse safe and sound.

About things and photos

It was believed that after the conclusion of a new marriage, all photographs of the ex-husband should be removed from the walls - so that the dead man would not experience jealousy and would not try to destroy the family of his beloved. It was impossible for a new partner to wear things or jewelry of the former, otherwise he could soon repeat it. But most often the signs about widows concerned the need for mourning. Rumor assured: to get married before the expiration of a year from the moment of the funeral of the first spouse - to be widowed a second time with one hundred percent probability!

Svetlana:

- The older I get, the better I understand that all the recipes are in old fairy tales. The most famous is probably the recipe for happiness: they lived happily ever after and died on the same day. In childhood, we pay attention to the first half of this phrase.

The second, like any talk about death, we prefer to ignore. You understand the wisdom of the second half of the wish on the day when your “happily” ends. A loved one dies, and you stay to live on.

Some time after I was widowed, I started having blackouts. I lost things, forgot names, got confused in events. I was so afraid of going crazy, I didn’t understand what was happening to me to such an extent that I kept it to myself.

I felt that the people around me who supported me hope that I will come to my senses, stop killing myself, accept life as it is, and "I will live on." And I tried very hard to justify their expectations, I no longer remembered aloud, I did not cry in public. I didn't even have the strength to do the usual daily chores. Not only favorite work, but also the most ordinary things were done with great difficulty and strong-willed tension.

That day, I lost my bank card and nearly ruined an important meeting. It was one of the usual heavy and stupid days of the first half of the year after the loss. In the evening I went to the store and near the cash register, in the box “All for 30 rubles”, I saw the book “Widow to the Widow”.

The book opened at the chapter "Where did I leave my head?". And I cried because at least someone understands me, and I bought a book.

After the first anniversary of Volodya, I made a rather detailed summary of the book and posted it in LiveJournal.

They squeezed out"Hold on" and disappear

Anna:

– We met Sveta on LiveJournal, and when we started talking for real, we learned more about each other, the image never left me: there is a minefield, and the first sapper is Sveta. And I follow her and step where, most likely, you can go.

When Sveta posted a summary of the book Widow to Widow in LiveJournal, my husband was still alive, but we knew that he would die soon.

It so happened that even during the life of my husband, I was faced with the helplessness of those around me - they did not know how to support us.

My husband's illness was long, in the last nine months she gave severe neurological complications. I don't think I need to explain what that means. Friends came, hid their eyes, sometimes cried, squeezed out of themselves: “Hold on, call if anything,” and disappeared. Now I'm not offended, it was really very hard for them, especially given the lack of personal experience - and the lack of a tradition of verbalizing sympathy and organizing practical help.

When I saw Sveta's summary, my first thought was: yes, this is what we all need. And a week after my husband's death, I shared this summary with friends, adding a clear message from myself: "I want you to be by my side, and for it to be useful for all of us." I believe that by doing this I saved myself from many - sincere, but deadly - remarks in the spirit of "Hold on, you are strong, you have a son, everything will pass, a whole life ahead, Denis is with you", and saved my friends from the feeling of being unable to help, which becomes the cause of such remarks, and from the feeling of excruciating awkwardness that follows.

Anger and anger are terrifying - after all, these are “wrong” feelings

Svetlana:

– Genevieve Ginzburg was not afraid to write about what terrifies every widow. That the very first feeling that you experience when you realize that widowhood and the loss of a father is what happened to you and your children is great anger and anger.

I have lost my husband twice. For the first time - when there was an extensive right hemispheric stroke. That adult, caring, ironic and loving person with whom I lived happily for five years, the father of our two-month-old daughter, died after a minute of oxygen starvation of a part of his brain.

Our daughter was no longer familiar with him, the consequences of ischemia for his character were irreversible. For seven years in a row, almost daily, excusing his actions, I had to say to myself and others: no, this is not Volodya, this is his illness. This was neither a feat of great love, nor a high understanding of duty. I did not consider other options than to remain a family during these seven years.

And it was not that I took vows at the wedding, although I am sure that without God's blessing our marriage would not have been possible. He never fully recovered either physically or emotionally. But he saw how my daughter grew up, he continued to be her father and my husband.

And then Volodya broke his femoral neck, and the second blood clot after the operation or during it burst in the lungs and caused thromboembolism. He spent ten days in a coma. And five of them I knew there was no hope. That one can only pray for a quiet, shameless and painless death. And I had no meekness, no humility, I was furious that this happened to him, to me, to my daughter. That he is leaving us, leaving us again, leaving us forever just when we need him so much!

It doesn't last long, but help, Lord, every widow these days. Because in addition to pain and anger, she feels shame, realizing that these are “wrong”, unworthy feelings.

Don't let the wife choose the lining of the coffin alone

Anna:

- The main thing that I repeated when I came to the cemetery in the first two years was “How could you, how dare you?” During the illness, this was not the case, at first Denis fought, and his energy and courage kept me in good shape. In recent months, it has not been up to that. And after death, resentment and anger did not allow breathing: you were always strong, you promised to love and protect me all my life, how could you leave all of us and blame everything on me?

... I am happy - friends rallied around our family so that forty days after the death of my husband is probably an example of how it should be. All logistics, all movements - not only mine, but also the parents of my husband, my mother, our son - were not thought out and organized by me.

In the process of organizing the funeral - and this is a terrible process in its everyday life - they called me only when it was really impossible to make a decision without my word, and someone was always standing nearby, ready to pick up, hug, give medicine. Finances - there is not even anything to say here, the amount of assistance was large.

I remember, at the funeral service, I thought - but now I can fall in any direction, they will catch me right there. And the realization of this also supported.

And even with such powerful, comprehensive, intelligent support, it was hard for me. My reaction to the absolutely tactful and appropriate question of my husband's colleagues - they organized a civil memorial service and commemoration - is difficult to describe. I was asked what I want, as I see fit (I think where to put the coffin during the memorial service). What was I thinking then? Do not dare to use the words "coffin" and "Denis" in the same sentence. I don't want to hear about it. I want not to be. Not to see that you are alive, but he is not. This was expressed, of course, in tears: further water, medicine ...

I dread to imagine what widows have to go through without the support that I had.

... Transfer money, cook food, offer to eat (not the fact that it will work out, but it's worth trying). Be sure to be nearby in the morgue, in the cemetery. Do not allow a woman to choose the color of the lining of the coffin alone, talk to the cemetery administration alone, or pick up the urn after cremation alone. To be near handkerchiefs, water, the right medicine, a warm jacket. And do not try to give logical or comforting answers to the questions: “Why him? Why us? How could this happen? They are not, these answers.

Here - never again

Svetlana:

Anna:

– After forty days, the movement around subsides, that supporting noise that did not allow you to be left alone. These forty days seem to carry you in their arms. Friends and relatives mourn nearby.

After forty days, everyday life comes into its own, it calls people back to itself. Yes, and that's when the realization comes: "Here - never again."

You can believe or not believe in God and eternal life. I believe, and still with faith and hope I pronounce the words "I look forward to the resurrection of the dead and the life of the age to come." But this belief does not negate the fact that here - never again. The warmth of the body, the smile, the voice - you will never feel them again.

As the fullness of intimacy between husband and wife is inexpressible in words, so the horror of this loss, both bodily and other, is inexpressible in words.

Bad temper and cleaning the ranks

Svetlana:

- Then the widow learns to make decisions: from very serious to everyday ones. No matter how independent she was before, during this period she will inevitably reach a new level. For many widows, the personality will change so much that it will affect interpersonal relationships. People around will talk about the spoiled character, the widow - about cleaning the ranks. And then some new life strategy will be developed that will really allow you to “live on”. According to Ginzburg, this takes an average of two years.

The main thing that remains in the mind and heart after reading this book is that I will survive. But I will need time. A lot of time. And self-compassion, shameless self-pity and understanding of the need to save energy.

More than six years have passed since I read the book. I have never come across such honest and practical books on this sore subject. To be honest, I haven't seen any other books on the subject at all. Neither translated nor written in Russian. I pay attention to it. And I see that even in books and films, the widow is rarely any kind of registered character. Widows under 60 seem to be found only in books about war and classic literature.

The widow's difficulty in adapting to her new social role is also increased because society refuses to acknowledge that such a role exists. That a widow is not necessarily an old woman in a black headscarf.

"Widow's Sign" - what to choose

Anna:

- I remember that at first I really wanted to have some kind of sign that would notify everyone that I was a widow. I did not have black clothes for all occasions. Ring on the ring finger of the left hand - who sees and notices it?

This sign was so needed, like a blind man’s white stick, which would tell people: be careful with her, don’t come up with an offer of a romantic trip for two (it happened exactly two weeks after her husband’s death), don’t be scared if she cries in, it would seem , an ordinary situation (“Does the son, probably, look like a dad?”, “Please show the father’s consent to the child’s departure”, etc.).

We are not visible.

Svetlana:

“I learned over the years to say, “I am a widow.” And I learned to calmly accept different responses to this word. From “sorry, I didn’t know” to “such a blooming woman can only be congratulated for being free” (this was in the fifth year, at the final job interview, and I said nothing).

We know from Genevieve Ginzburg's book that support groups exist for widows in other countries. Why don't we have them? Because there is no tradition. Because the first years are simply not up to going anywhere with it. Moreover, if you say that there are not as few widows as it might seem, then you will almost certainly hear in response about “selective perception”, about the fact that “in fact” these are isolated cases.

Early widows have very few resources of their own to first learn how to be a widow and then accept that part of themselves and allow their personality to live and develop further.

And a friend who understands how you feel is priceless. It is easier with your own, because many things do not need to be explained. I remember how at the exhibition of Zinaida Serebryakova, Anya and I simultaneously began to count how old the artist was when she became a widow. Because for both of us this is a significant fact of the biography, which it is not limited to, but without which much, I am sure, will be misunderstood.

But you're not going to walk around with the "I'm a widow" flag. There are no places where we can gather, there are no external unique identifiers, black is now worn even by teenagers.

We are deprived of the tradition of condolences

Anna:

- I envy the people of pre-Soviet times - because they had props in the form of traditions. The prevailing, appropriate, but at the same time humane formulations of condolences. People's lamentations. To each - that which helped to express the inexpressible. The dying Pushkin asked to send a short note to Grech - his son died: “Bow to him and say that I take a sincere part in his loss.” Sincere participation in his loss! .. We are deprived of this language, we have only the newspaper "we express our deepest condolences", "we grieve with you." We have yet to find the words.

Svetlana:

– In ancient books, it was considered a separate, specially stipulated bad deed or even a crime to “offend a widow”. The economic activity of women and, probably, the callousness of heart and the terrible fear of our legislators of any mention of death have removed widows from the modern legal field. Only the Ministry of Defense has widows. A “civilian” widow with a minor child is not protected, for example, from layoffs at work (no, she is not considered a single mother, who, according to the law, can only be laid off on the condition of generous payments).

Choosing "single" makes me feel spat on

Anna:

- A year and a half has passed since the death of my husband, I took out insurance for a car, the manager, among other things, asked me about my marital status. I answered - a widow. She blushed, almost cried, apologized and said: “There is no “widow” option here, there is “married” and “single”.

In the evening I told my friends about this, indignant that this was some kind of deep lie: I was married, I am not divorced now, I am a widow. I was mildly reproached: why put people in an awkward position over and over again, it’s obvious that the system just needs to know whether you have a husband now or not. So, not married. Nod, shut up.

"Put people in an awkward position"! This is probably what all widows in our barely speaking society face.

"I am a widow". “Sorry, I didn’t know/didn’t know.” What are you sorry for? This is just one item from the list that can characterize me: a woman, a mother of a 13-year-old son, a journalist by education, an Orthodox Christian, a widow ... However, without noticing it, you already begin to apologize: sorry for the awkwardness that you feel but I'm a widow.

Svetlana:

- Forms of questionnaires for applicants, resumes and personal records of personnel do not contain such an answer to the question about marital status.

I know that not everyone will understand me. But every time I choose "single", I feel spat on. Because I am forced to give up memory, from what makes me what I am. And, if you look at this situation quite mundane, practical, they deprive you of a competitive advantage at the start. Because all the widows I know work like animals, and having coped with what they had to cope with, they are not afraid of any difficulties at work, except for distant and long business trips while the children are small.

Talk about the future and a problem that cannot be solved

Anna:

- There were few things that made me fall into such a frenzy (this is the word, alas, yes), as when they tried to talk to me about the future. “Life is long, you are still young, you can still meet, you will be happy, you will give birth.” Who, if not a woman who has just lost her husband - no matter, suddenly or after a long illness - to know that life can be offensively short, that it can end terribly and unexpectedly, that, alas, no one guarantees happiness.

There may not be a future. And it’s simply impossible to tell a woman who has lost half of her body (and this is a literal feeling) that a new half will grow “better than the previous one.” Talking about "new" children is, in my opinion, an absolute taboo.

Even worse were the tales of impeccable widowhood. Natalya Nikolaevna Pushkina, widowed for seven years. Someone's friend, who never remarried, devoted herself entirely to the memory of her husband. From such examples I wanted to howl like a she-wolf.

Svetlana:

– As well as from the words “you and your daughter will always be a reminder of Volodya for us” – I am not a memorial museum, I am a living person! If possible, do not provoke such bursts.

Mentally, a widow in the early years is an unhealed wound, a walking trauma, a problem that cannot be solved.

It's not a question of qualifications and the amount of money you give her - and thank you for that! - ready to give at the funeral. This is a matter of compassion, including public compassion.

My friend, who hung on me from the minute we left the church until the very end of the wake, later apologized for perhaps not giving her relatives the opportunity to approach me. But she didn’t push anyone away, everyone was so ready for the fact that I was “a strong woman and I would behave with dignity.” I still have nothing to talk about with some of these people, and that friend became a sister because she was there, she was just there and held her hand during these hours.

This countdown won't stop as long as we live

Anna:

- Probably, no one can be wiser than life, which goes, goes and takes it somewhere. No words can be stronger than this inexorable, eternal, hurting, but also healing movement.

Oddly enough, I was helped by people who were much more sick than me - my husband's parents. Helped without special words, just with their experience. Their families had the experience of widowhood - and life after it. The mother-in-law's mother lost her husband in the war, but after that she met a man, got married, gave birth to another girl, lived with him until her death, he did not distinguish between daughters - who is related by blood, who is not.

The father-in-law's mother was a widow, already a mature woman, unexpectedly, in peacetime. Their family was lively, well-coordinated and harmonious, but a little more than a year after the death of her husband, there was another meeting, and they did not part with this man until his death. Due to age, habits and many other difficulties, this was not a usual marriage, rather, an economic and guest partnership, but there was no doubt that there was happiness in this union. So, my father-in-law never forgot this experience and - always unobtrusively - broadcast to me: life goes on.

... Six years have passed for me, seven years for Sveta. This countdown, apparently, will not stop as long as we live. This timeline is also us, like everything that this loss has brought and taken.

In order to be heard, you need to formulate and say. To understand others, you need to understand yourself. Understand that you are a person with a trauma, with a heavily, critically spent resource.

The wound heals, leaving a scar. No, not even that. This is not a mutilation, but a new internal landscape.

And with bitterness, humility, but also with laughter (the black humor of widows! it’s good that there is a girlfriend with whom you can laugh like that), I understand another rightness of Genevieve Ginzburg: if my husband met me now, I probably would hardly have seen and loved. And this is also life.

Probably, with these words it was necessary to begin. But the entire text above is not a summary for us, but only an introduction to a painful, but very necessary for us (and maybe not only us) conversation, communication. So I will end with these words.

My name is Anna. I am 37 years old. I am a widow. I'm alive. I don't know what's next. But I want to talk about what was and is.