Build bridges of parent-child relationships and create a source of parental warmth for moms with pre-teens and young teens. Children of the XXI century are entering adolescence at the speed of light - yesterday the baby trustingly held your hand, and today the child angrily shouts: “You do not understand me! You are from a different generation! " or silently withdraws into himself, putting on headphones or burying himself in his gadget ...

Feelings of powerlessness, confusion, anger, rejection of your child - do you know this? You, like no one else, understand that your bloodstream has moved away, closed and does not let you into your world. What if there are drugs, unhappy love and suicide attempts, pedophiles, bad company, playing AUE and Blue Whale? Fearfully? I understand you very much, because she is a mother of three children. And I know how to help you!

What can I offer you?

1. One FREE online lesson lasting 50 minutes. By immersing yourself in a specific and important situation for you, you will be able to make the right decision about continuing to work in the program.

We will analyze step by step the entire problematic situation, draw up a detailed plan for building trusting relationships with the child. Then act on your own, focusing on the plan, or continue with the support of a specialist. Work in the program is always from the first free lesson, registration:
2. Online parenting program for 2 months

Includes:

- 45 group sessions with a psychologist;

–8 personal consultations with a psychologist tête-à-tête;

- prompt feedback.

After completing a two-month course of the program, you will learn to understand your child, his actions, gently and decisively correct behavior and build good relationships. Solve problems from your childhood that affect your family's life.

COST OF THE PROGRAM for 2 MONTHS - 6000 rubles.

3. Online parenting program for 3 months

Includes:

- work on correcting the child's behavior;

- a psychological course on working with parental complexes that affect the upbringing of children;

- a unique course on training the skills of calm communication with a child;

- consolidation of skills and the establishment of trusting relationships with the child;

- 65 sessions with a psychologist in a group;

– 12 personal consultations with a psychologist tête-à-tête;

- daily tasks (short but important);

- prompt feedback.

After completing the three-month course of the program, you will understand what childhood psychological traumas have caused your problems today and will correct the situation radically. I will give you the knowledge and tools with which you will learn how to properly respond to a child's rudeness, stubbornness or laziness. You will be able to talk with him on important topics without preachings and lectures, regain the trust of your beloved teenager.

COST OF THE PROGRAM for 3 MONTHS - 8000 rubles.

Remember that a child's love for you, his trust is a much more valuable thing! And soon you will be able to get it.

EXERCISE 1
Immerse yourself in silence

We live in a world full of various noises and signals: the rumble of subway cars, the hum of highways, the hum of the computer, phone calls ... And as a result, our stress level grows in proportion to the number of sounds we pick up more or less consciously.

And if we add to this the hum of our internal dialogues with ourselves ... How to achieve peace and balance in such conditions? We must start with silence - in ourselves and around us. For at least an hour ...

My mood changes too abruptly, I am ready to lie prone and do nothing, listening to silence and drowning in depression, and then my thoughts change to the side that everything will be excellent, I will survive and cope with everything, etc., and vice versa, from good to bad. I have the same attitude towards people. The fact is that I am very gullible, but, again, I cannot cope with myself, "filter" communication somehow, I get angry with myself, I start being rude and cruel towards innocent people, in general ...

Hello!
I'm 25 years old. Over the past few months, I have noticed that I have lost the ability to experience emotions. That is, if something negative happens, I am very worried. If something joyful and positive happens (for example, with friends, someone at work), then I can't bring myself to even smile, show warmth.

I shut myself up, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I lost the desire to take care of myself.

I live in a work-home system. Because of this, there are no friends left

It's ...

A contract means some kind of agreement between people, as a rule, this is setting conditions for a partner, and sometimes requirements. As a result of the fulfillment of the contract, we expect any action from the partner. Conditions or requirements can be such that they can change the whole life (for example, getting married), or they can be just small conditions, requests (for example, to clean up the dishes).

The fulfillment of the contract requires some effort from the partner in excess of what he wanted ...

Excessive emotionality, being misunderstood and unfulfilled (blocked), often leads to a state of emotional burnout, fatigue and detachment from life, the joy and taste of life are lost and the natural state of self-satisfaction goes away. If you lead an active lifestyle and cannot “sit still” for a long time, if it’s difficult for you to be alone for a long time, if you don’t know how to “not react” when something happens, then the topic of emotional work and liberation is for you. ...

Today we will look at topics such as deep relaxation, awareness and contact with the Higher Self.

How these concepts are connected, what kind of connections are these in general, what is it for and how useful it is for you in your life, what can be done with this, you need to do in order to change the reality that surrounds you.
One of the previous lessons dealt with working with fears as one of the basic concepts that interfere, influence, restrict, form some stereotypes, delusions, being some kind of such ...

Most people begin to take their physical and mental health seriously when not only alarming symptoms appear, but the most real destructive problems. During a sore throat, we remember to wear a scarf, and we learn to get rid of stress when we are in deep depression.

And as soon as there are improvements, we immediately return to the old life.

Surprisingly, we devote much more time to physical problems, we spend a lot of strength and energy on them. Not...

We are not dealing here with a whole person, but rather

With something resembling a finely arranged reflex machine, capable of impeccably depicting a human personality

(H. Cleckley, "The Mask of Sanity").

One here said about me: "He is an emotional robot, there is nothing inside!"

How far from the truth he is! If they think that I have no emotional

Life, they are wrong. Absolutely wrong. She is very real and very complete ...

They perceive me as part of a human ...

I don't think that problems at 14 start abruptly and out of nowhere. A bunny girl was growing up: mom loves, dad does not drink, grandmother buys sweets, and then at the age of 14 she went out and about, shouting that she would commit suicide and pull out the hair of her classmates ... All really problematic teenagers were crippled in childhood.

Today, the concept of "emotional contact" is so often exploited by various publications that many mothers are seriously concerned about "establishing" this very contact even before the child learns to speak. Their efforts are certainly not in vain, because the foundations of relationships with children are laid at the earliest stages of development. And yet, the problem of emotional contact with a child, as a rule, acquires real acuteness much later - in the so-called pubertal period.

What is emotional contact?

Everyone knows that emotional contact with a child is a necessary thing, but almost no one knows what exactly he is. Indeed, what is it? We will not find the answer to this question in scientific psychology, where "emotional contact" is a term with a narrow meaning that does not at all coincide with what we are used to investing in it in everyday life (by the way, we habitually use many psychological terms not in literally, but in an expansive meaning). Still, this concept is multifaceted, implying at the same time psychological comfort in communicating with each other, empathy (that is, emotional responsiveness), the coincidence of any views, interests, a sense of community and much more. This is something that cannot be seen with the eye, cannot be touched or appreciated at the mental level, but can only be felt.

Growing up test

A typical situation is when a beloved child goes to bed sweet and affectionate in the evening, and wakes up completely different - ruffled, prickly, all unhappy. This usually happens between the ages of 11 and 13 - long before the climax of the teen crisis - and disrupts the normal course of life. Literally overnight, the child begins to feel like an adult, then step by step moves away from the family, more and more gravitating towards peers, and, thus, takes relations with parents to a completely new level. Not all mothers and fathers are ready for such a sharp turn of events: they often take the new format of relations with a growing child for a loss of contact. However, hasty conclusions should not be drawn.

Temporary communication difficulties, adolescent resistance to parental control, his desire for independence - all these are absolutely normal companions of growing up. It must be understood that the teenager himself is going through hard times - only hormonal changes with accompanying ailments, changes in appearance, uncontrollable mood changes and other "side effects" are worth what! The most important thing that parents of teenagers should strive for is to truly understand their children.

Signs that there is no understanding

There are certain “bells” that signal that the relationship with the child is at an impasse.

- The child stops sharing impressions with you, discussing the bright events of his life.
- The child answers your questions reluctantly, dryly, in monosyllables.
- The child is annoyed with almost every phrase you say, does not listen to you to the end, demonstratively covers his ears.
- The child tries to be at home less: he looks for reasons to stay at school, with friends, tries not to sit at the family table, is burdened by being in the same room with you.
- The child constantly lies to you, and it does not depend on the topic of conversation.

What to do?

Even if you have several of the above signs in your life, this is not a reason for despair. This is a reason to honestly evaluate your own behavior towards the teenager. He, like any person, needs to be loved, needed and understood. He, as before, needs your approval and warmth, only now he needs more freedom and respect. And you? Are you suppressing him with overprotection, are you trying to control his every step? Or, on the contrary, do you not deny his problems, do you show indifference? Are you sensitive to the experiences of your child, do you know what is going on in his heart?

As a rule, the reason for the total discontent of adolescents, their attempts to reject old values ​​or assert themselves with the help of demonstrative antics is precisely the imbalance in relations with parents. It should be understood that the majority of teenagers are maximalists: they are extremely demanding of others and extremely sensitive to everything that concerns themselves. Any trifle like an unsuccessfully chosen word can turn into a catastrophe of a universal scale for them, and therefore they are almost always not happy with their parents.

Parents, on the other hand, have to realize that they can understand a teenager and accept him as he is now, perhaps only after having done a tremendous amount of work on himself. It is necessary to make a lot of mental effort, to mobilize patience, attentiveness, love, which it is desirable to support with the knowledge of adolescent psychology or consultations with a specialist. It is important to clearly define the boundaries of the freedom of a growing up child, probably not without his resistance on his part, but at the same time abandon authoritarian methods of upbringing:

- stop managing the teenager's time;
- forbid yourself to rummage through his personal belongings, read his correspondence without good reason;
- not to impose your views on him in a categorical manner;
- in principle, to refuse categorical statements;
- accurately, with respect to speak about his circle of contacts, friends, interests, tastes;
- use psychological pressure on a teenager as little as possible;
- communicate with him on an equal footing (avoiding familiarity);
- try to trust him more.

It is equally important to be open, honest and at any time of the day or night ready to communicate with the growing child. Believe me, he will definitely appreciate it!

The most important element of the environment that determines the nature of human development is freedom. This is a very complex phenomenon that has not been considered in psychology and pedagogy until recently. Specialists call the need for freedom one of the basic human needs. In ordinary language, freedom implies a weakening of management, control and pressure and giving a person responsibility for his choice, the opportunity to realize his integrity, creativity. Circumstances that create for a child (or an adult) a sense of powerlessness, emptiness and helplessness contribute to the development of cruelty and sadism in him. Fromm refers to such circumstances everything that causes fear. This can be "authoritarian" punishment. This is a kind of punishment that "does not have a strictly fixed form" and is not associated with this or that offense, but is arbitrarily determined at the discretion of the "powerful". Depending on individual characteristics, fear of punishment can become a dominant motive in a child's life, which leads to a loss of self-esteem.

Another important circumstance leading to the loss of vitality may be associated with a situation of mental impoverishment. When a child lives in a bleak atmosphere of callousness and mental deafness, he internally “freezes”. Lack of emotional warmth, participation, love causes a feeling of despair and complete powerlessness, which can become the reason for his cruelty.

An important factor causing disturbances in personal development are the character, values, norms, guidelines, meanings of the social group of which the child is a part. A social group (family, school) can enhance those traits and forms of behavior that correspond to it, and weaken the undesirable ones.

The famous American researcher of psychoanalytic orientation Karen Horney believes that the influence of the social environment dominates in the development of a person's personality. It proceeds from the fact that the determining factor in the structure of the personality is the unconscious feeling of anxiety, anxiety, isolation and helplessness. The main concept of K. Horney is "basic anxiety", which is understood as "... the feeling of isolation and helplessness of a child in a potentially hostile world. This feeling of insecurity can be the product of many harmful environmental factors: direct and indirect domination, indifference, instability of behavior, lack of respect for the individual needs of the child, lack of real leadership, too much admiration or its complete absence, lack of warmth, compulsion to take sides. parental quarrels, too much or too little responsibility, overprotection, isolation from other children, injustice, discrimination, failure to keep promises, hostile atmosphere, etc.

These factors become the basis for the development of anxiety in the child. To overcome this condition, the child may resort to different strategies. He may become hostile and want to pay back those who rejected him or treated him badly. But he can also be very obedient in order to regain lost love and affection. He may develop an inadequate, unrealistic self-image to compensate for feelings of inferiority. He may bribe others or use threats to gain respect and love. He can get stuck with self-pity in order to generate sympathy.

In order to gain recognition, respect, love, a child can seek power over others or resort to competition, and at the same time victory itself is more important to him than achievement as such. Possibly turning aggression inward and self-deprecation.

Any of these strategies is characterized by the presence of a conflict that can be resolved in a natural way, which indicates normal development, or in an unnatural, irrational way. It can be aggression, and extreme conformity, and isolation, and indiscipline, etc.

A lot of special studies of domestic and foreign scientists are devoted to the problems of child development, emotional disorders, and behavioral disorders, a huge amount of factual material has been collected (A.I. Zakharov, M. Rutter, A.E. Lichko, G.M. Breslav, etc.), which allows understand the mechanisms and causes of violations. The following facts are recognized as indisputable.

Developmental disorders of the child are associated with adverse events in the child's childhood. First of all - family conflicts, a lack of emotional warmth, love, responsiveness, attachment relationships. Family relationships remain significant not only in childhood, but also in later periods of life. Deficit of communication, disturbance, deformation of significant relations of the personality, forming an integral system, determine the development of personality according to the neurotic type (V. N. Myasishchev). These are relationships in the family, in other communities that are significant for the child.

The need for emotional recognition by others, emotional contacts with parents is especially relevant in childhood. By the age of 4-5, the emotional development of the child reaches its maximum. Violation of emotional contact with parents, especially with the mother, causes significant psychological problems in development. The lack of sincere, trustingly warm and directly emotional relations between parents and children becomes the basis for the emergence of neurosis. Lack of emotional support, love and recognition in the family causes the child to fear loneliness, a feeling of isolation, forgetfulness and uselessness. The urgent need for recognition is at the same time the need for self-affirmation. The child needs to reveal his Self, support and loving attitude. Lack of love and recognition can be compensated for by fears, whims. Children develop isolation, distrust of others.

The outstanding American psychotherapist K. Rogers, on the basis of significant clinical experience, came to the conviction that the environment, the social environment, contains the conditions for the formation of a "fully functioning person", progressive personal development. The most important thing is the creation of such human relationships that a particular person could use for his own personal development (K. Rogers).

The basic tendency of the organism, according to K. Rogers, is the tendency towards actualization, becoming and self-reinforcement. The tendencies towards self-actualization and self-development are inherited. But the tendency to move forward can be realized only under certain conditions, namely when the choices of behavior are “clearly perceived and adequately symbolized,” that is, they are consciously experienced.

They emphasize two needs: in a positive attitude and self-attitude, which arise as a result of learning. The first of them arises as a result of love and care for the child, the second is formed with a positive attitude of the environment. Assessments from others, especially in childhood, can distort a person's inner experiences. A child, on the basis of positive or negative assessments of his behavior by adults, tries to be what they want from him, and not what he is. External assessments lead to a distortion of the child's self-attitude. Imposed images and values ​​displace and replace “true” experiences and values, which leads to self-destruction of the self. Such a person feels tension, discomfort. In childhood, "I-concept" is distorted under the influence of other people's assessments. The consequence of such a distortion can be aggressiveness, conflict, isolation, anxiety, hostility towards other people, and communication disorders.

How can you avoid this? K. Rogers developed a method of psychotherapy, which he called client-centered therapy. He believes this approach is applicable to all relationships with people, not just working with people who have problems. The method is based on the creation of helping relationships that actualize a person's ability to self-change and self-development. The creation of a therapeutic, supportive relationship is possible when three essential conditions are met.

The first condition is frankness, sincerity, the truthfulness of the relationship with the person. Significant people should be sincere with the child, not pretend, not wear "masks", "false facades." They must be united and whole in their feelings, in their perception and statements about them.

The second condition is unconditional Adoption person. By acceptance of a person, K. Rogers understands "a warm disposition towards him as a person who has unconditional value, independent of his state, behavior or feelings." From birth, a person feels the need to accept himself. Acceptance presupposes not only respect and warm feelings, but also faith in positive changes in a person, in his development. According to K. Rogers, the usual rule is that “everyone should feel, think and believe in the same way as I do. However ... differences between people, the right of each person to realize their life experience in their own way and find their meaning in it - all these are priceless opportunities for life. "

The child really needs a positive attitude towards himself. Adults, on the other hand, tend to evaluate, approve or disapprove of the child's feelings and behavior, make statements and frighten with the deprivation of love and affection. To be “good”, the child seeks to adjust to the assessment of his parents, which leads to a distortion of his “I-concept”, the loss of internal regulators of behavior and to the further immaturity of a person who is guided only by external assessments. Unconditional acceptance of a child does not mean the absence of restrictions, discipline and a negative attitude towards his actions. However, they should be built in such a way that the child does not doubt the respect for him. Dissatisfaction and negative experiences should be expressed not in the form of a negative assessment of a person's personality, but in the form of a subjective attitude towards a given "here and now" event.

Necessary unconditionally accept not only others, but also myself, emphasizes Rogers. Unconditional acceptance of yourself means perceiving yourself in such a way that all your qualities are normal and none of them is more worthwhile than the other. If a person does not accept himself, but values ​​only those virtues that are approved by others, then he experiences tension and anxiety, his mental health deteriorates.

Acceptance of each changing particle of the child's inner world creates warmth and security for him in relations with an adult, and love and respect evoke a sense of security, which is necessary for the full development of a person.

The third condition is empathic understanding, without which unconditional acceptance can simply mean undifferentiated complacency towards everyone. Empathic understanding includes penetration into the feelings and thoughts of a person, the ability to see the problem from his position, to take his place. This "empathic understanding," Rogers says, "understanding with the person, not understanding about them, is so effective that it can lead to significant personality changes."

Models of behavior of significant adults (parents, teachers, “stars”, idols), according to researchers, become the basis not only for acquiring habits, but also for developing ways to resolve conflicts and life problems. Parenting patterns are especially important. If parents avoid difficulties or resort to aggression when confronted with them, then the child is likely to behave in a similar situation in the same way. There is a high probability that the child will acquire a style of responding to difficulties similar to the parent.

The same is true for interpersonal relationships. Children learn the same relationships that they have observed in the family for a long time. Situations are possible when parents teach some rules of behavior, but they themselves do not follow them, that is, they say one thing and do another. For example, they call for honesty, but they themselves deceive each other, demand restraint from the child, and they themselves are hot-tempered, aggressive and licentious. In such a situation, it becomes more likely to choose an example of parents. The child can also expand the model of behavior given to him by the parent, so that his own behavior will be unacceptable for them, i.e. he may also reject what his parents hold dear. However, children do not always accept the behavior patterns and views of their parents. It depends on other people (friends, teachers, neighbors, etc.), as well as on the relationship with the parents. If the relationship with the parents is bad or if the children see that the behavior of the parents only leads to new difficulties and failures, they may reject parental norms (M. Rutter).

Disciplinary requirements and the nature of punishment and rewards are equally important to "good" or "bad" behavior. It is a pernicious situation when a child gets used to orienting himself on external control, his internal mechanisms of control of his behavior are undeveloped, he lacks his own value system, with the help of which he can regulate his behavior, regardless of rewards or punishments from other people. To this end, experts consider it necessary to discuss with the child the motives of his actions and involve him in the development of intra-family norms of behavior.

We mentioned the negative role of many severe restrictions and overprotection in the previous paragraph. A thorough description of the consequences of this factor for the formation of a child's character was given by the famous Russian teacher, psychologist, doctor PF Lesgaft.

In the literature, it is noted that the causes of behavioral disturbances and even emotional disorders can be separation from parents, life away from the family, the loss of one of the parents, quarrels and conflicts in the family, as well as neuroses and pathological personality traits of the parents. Child psychiatrist A. Zakharov analyzes the causes of childhood neuroses and deviations in connection with some of the above factors in the book "How to prevent deviations in the behavior of a child."

The asocial, criminal behavior of parents leads to the formation of behavioral disorders in children. Parental quarrels, fights or hostility or alienation create an environment in which behavioral disturbances are more likely to occur, especially in boys. Aggressive parenting behavior becomes a model for the child. Other mechanisms may also take place here.

The scarcity, monotony of the environment, its limitedness, according to experts, can lead to deep delays in the mental development of the child, inhibit his intellectual development and cause behavioral disturbances.

All About Meetings After Moody Raymond's Death

"IT WAS A DIRECT EMOTIONAL CONTACT"

I was especially worried about the hover vision of the next subject, as she was the first person I worked with to have the experience of dying. Her story is sad. - a few months after the death of her younger sister in a car accident, she almost died herself, also in a car accident.

As a result of this catastrophe, she gained the experience of dying, during the time she saw her deceased sister. The contact occurred when she left your body and brought deep emotional experiences unknown to her anymore. She described them like this: “I have found that the physical body actually retains emotions. When I am out of my body, my emotions are naked. When I am out of the body, then my emotions, as it were, meet with her emotions. This is a direct emotional contact. "

I was very interested in the ability to induce a "vision" in this subject in order to compare the results of SZ with the experience of dying. She described her experience of guided vision as follows:

“At first I saw the mirror go up. Then I saw images emerging in the form of some outlines and flashes of light. Then I saw a red light with a green fog in the center. And I heard my little sister say, "I'm here."

I said in my mind: "I want to see you." And she said, "So I'm here."

Then I tried to relax, but I could not physically see her. But I felt it! I felt her kisses on the cheek, she always did the same during her life. I heard her words: "I am here."

I couldn't see her, but I knew she was there. I felt love in her presence. Short passages from the past flashed before me. I saw us sitting in her room and listening to music.

I felt love at this moment, I felt the same love when the actual events took place. "

I asked subject to compare SZ to her near-death experience. Then she went to her sister, in the chamber of visions she could not only hear and feel. But at the level of feelings, the differences are small, she said. “I could hear her speak. It's like she bent down and speaks into my ear. "