Mother of many children, having many children, a conscious choice. Learning to be a mom. Three children - a challenge to society

22.05.2019

Parents with many children, directly or indirectly, are certainly interested in what they thought when they had children.

I came to kindergarten. I’m standing in the corridor, waiting for the manager. It is necessary to fill out the documents for the youngest child, who was given a place in the same kindergarten where the older brother and sister go.

Grandmother-watchman asked whom I was waiting for. And then suddenly she looked at me closely. I don't like such close scrutiny. Usually the conversation boils down to the same thing ...

- You're still young! And why did you have to arrange this feat, not sleep at night, educate? And how much do they eat? And what expensive clothes? We bought shoes for the school for the eldest grandson for two thousand. How many jackets do you need? For winter, spring, summer ... No, one is enough!

I stand and say nothing. As if I don't know how many jackets children should have. I have three guys. And sometimes even just placing jackets, overalls, shoes, hats and mittens in our spacious apartment is difficult. Place so that everything you need for the season is close and conveniently hung.

- They still need to be fed, - repeating, the compassionate grandmother continued to groan.

From this remark I generally feel bad. It’s like there are people who don’t eat. It's like there are children who don't need to be fed ...

- And how do you live? Do you have your own apartment?

And then I decided to puzzle granny. Especially, because I realized that I couldn't wait for the manager, and I got tired of listening to these oohs. She replied that there is an apartment, we are paying the mortgage. Ohana continued until the grandmother remembered about the maternity capital. And she asked, how much of this capital we have ...

I had to answer that capital is given only once per child. And this is not a suitcase of money, but a piece of paper that can be used to pay a mortgage, a mother's funded pension, or the education of children.

Grandma sighed, and I went home with an unfulfilled business and a bad mood.

Many years ago I read the story of a mother of three children. I don't remember the details, but the thought was something like this: the birth of a third child is a challenge to society. This is breaking stereotypes. This is something that is difficult to explain to others.

I completely agree with this. I’ll just add that I don’t want to explain anything to anyone. And I don’t want to answer the questions: why three? will there be a fourth? Etc.

People with many children are usually trying to find out what they thought when they gave birth to so many children. The question, its formulation even implies something like this answer: they did not think with their heads for sure.

This argument is especially often used when discussing those families who, for some reason, need help: a child is ill, there is not enough money to buy a mixture or warm clothes. Parents, directly or indirectly, are certainly interested in what they thought when they had children. Yes, they did it. Like a hamster or something like that from discharge of pets.

I will not explain why we have three children. This is a personal story of our family. It seems to me normal when there are many children, even if the family is not very wealthy.

Usually speaking about children, their number, the role of parents is reduced to nothing. Not a function - dress, feed, wash, take away, but that spiritual parental labor, without which paternity and motherhood cannot do.

Sometimes it seems to me that people with their ridiculous questions simply forgot that care O your own family is normal. Walking with children is good. To give a part of yourself to your dear heart is love.

There are also funny situations and questions:

When I was walking with older children in expectation of a third child, one granny, seeing me, was baptized. I still don’t understand why.

When asked whether we will give birth to a fourth child, I learned to answer that we might have twins.

Very often they are interested in how I do it all. I answer that I do not have time for anything. And it is true.

The other day I was trying to get documents in the garden to fill out. In general, from the fourth time I did it. To be honest, most of all I feel sorry for my time. Not only do I have to fill out all this and attach copies of the documents that have already been twice attached to the application for older children, I also need to bring everything necessary to keep my child in kindergarten. I will note that I have already taken everything for the older children. That is, it will be the third portion of toilet paper, napkins, soap and dishwashing detergent. And I know what should be attributed, because my state does not care about it.

Also, my state does not provide free medicines to my children. Although it seems to be obliged by law. Recently, the youngest child received a free vaccination, which we had previously planned to do for money. Well, at least it was lucky.

And recently I read about the initiative of the Ministry of Finance to impose income tax on maternity capital. Apparently, this is also included in the care program. O families with two or more children.

The last initiative, I understand, not the last, but the one O which I only found out yesterday. Our authorities decided not to kill themselves in the construction of kindergartens. In general, they are right. Kindergartens are needed now, but with a decrease in the birth rate, in the future they are not needed. So, our government decided to adopt such a law: parents will pay for visiting kindergarten if a child misses a day without a valid reason, that is, without an official certificate from a doctor. What surprises me about this? And the fact that municipal gardens are attended by children of the middle class and people with modest incomes. That is, those for whom this payment matters will pay for the kindergarten in case of a pass! At a minimum, the gardens can accommodate groups of different ages or short stays. But why break your head, it's easier to toughen all the rules and punish with a ruble. Then the problem will be removed - at the expense of the people themselves, and not at the expense of a wise management decision.

About free education. While it seems to me a myth. So for the little girl's school, which prepares children for the first grade, you will have to pay again. By the way, I have already been warned that at least three thousand rubles will be spent on textbooks for the first grade. Although, again, according to the law, large families should be given them free of charge.

You will have to pay again for the daughter's admission to the dance studio in the municipal creative house of our microdistrict. Two years ago the registration fee was one thousand rubles. It is unlikely that he has become smaller. I don't think at all that this money is in someone's pocket - it will be spent on redecorating the classroom, repairing the worn floor and insulating the windows. The fact is that our state has again underfunded something for children ... Apparently, from - for the first crisis and on the eve of the second.

Another thousand rubles will go to the fund of the kindergarten group that my daughter visits, and 100 rubles each month for various needs in the group of the eldest son.

This is the kind of bookkeeping. These costs are not from - because someone wants to cash in on something: the money goes to our own children. The problem is different - the state does not invest enough in education and does not provide our children with everything they need. Without parental investments, it would be scary to enter kindergartens, the children would have no toilet paper, no pencils, no flat floor and a bed to sleep in. Nothing!

But there is also good news: families with many children are compensated for their kindergarten fees. Our family has three children and 70 percent of the payment is returned to our bank card. The payment does not come immediately, sometimes with a delay, but this is the only real financial assistance from my state.

Children need boundaries and authority. Family hierarchy is essential. The mother should pay the main attention to herself, then to her husband, and only then to the children. A mother with many children says what she understood by raising three children.
I wanted to write this post for a long time, but kept putting it off, because it seemed to me that it was long, dreary, but there was still no time and no ... In general, many months have passed, this idea does not leave me, but in a day everything the same 24 hours.

Therefore, discarding perfectionism, I write as it will be written in the time that I have in stock (and forgive me, please, typos, if there are any).

1. I realized that all children are different

Even if these are children born of the same parents and brought up within the same family, all the same, all these children will be different. Education, of course, matters, but its power is greatly exaggerated. Each child has his own innate temperament, his own inclinations, his own characteristics of development, his own nuances. And this is great! Every child comes into our life to teach us something. Identical children are either fantasy or a sign that you are a repetitive year.

2. I became much more tolerant and calmer

I think, having read the word "calmer", D. will sigh sadly and look at me with reproach. Yes, sometimes I scream, food and rowdy. But overall, I stopped worrying as much for all sorts of reasons as I used to. I am not worried about ARVI, snot and temperature (yes, yes, all children get sick and it will pass). Age crises do not upset, but rather amuse me. I feel where it is possible to give the child freedom, and where it is worth standing his ground to the last and keeping the boundaries of what is permitted.

3. Speaking of borders

The framework of what is permissible must necessarily be. Earlier it seemed to me that it was wrong, you need to give the child freedom and just guide him, explaining. Alas, it doesn't work. Clear boundaries of what the child can do and what the child cannot do is needed. Children themselves are very fond of rules. For example, "we eat desserts only after eating", "first lessons - then cartoons", "those who have not washed their hands before eating will remain hungry", "exactly at 20-00 we go to brush our teeth", etc. And if there are these boundaries and clear rules, then there is no need to explain why ice cream or a chocolate bar (even a piece!) Is not allowed now, why you need to wash your hands if they are already clean and why your mother does not allow you to watch another episode of "Luntik". Rules - there are rules (the law is harsh, but the law).

4. I don't bother with early child development.

In a large family, it is impossible to keep a child from this development. The younger ones are drawn to the older ones, who seem to them, while still so small, real demigods, knowing everything and knowing everything. The most important thing here, in my opinion, is to properly raise the oldest child, to invest in him to the maximum, because he will be the very ideal that the younger ones strive to achieve. BUT! In order to properly raise the first child, there is no need to take him to developmental classes from a year. Just do not put him in the arena, but let him be near you and explore the world under your careful supervision. The rest is a matter of technology.

5. I began to value, strengthen and maintain family hierarchy

Freedom and Equality? No, this is not about us. With the birth of our third child, my husband and I came to the conclusion that hierarchy in the family is necessary, and its absence is destructive. Mom and Dad are in charge, children are the people. Dad is the most important, even mom obeys him. The elder sister is the main one among all children. The older brother is more important than the younger one, but this not only gives rights, but also imposes responsibilities. So far, there is only one problem: those who do not fit into the framework of the family hierarchy have no authority. A son, for example, refuses to obey his grandparents, because "they do not live with us" and "dad is the most important, and they are not the main ones." But we are working with this.

6. I realized that I am the basis and if I feel bad, then everyone is bad

And I began to learn to take care of myself. I used to live according to the principle "all the best for children", now the principle is turned inside out. First of all, I try to give to myself, and only then to children. A happy, rested mother is a guarantee of a calm and joyful atmosphere in the family, because a mother who is wrapped up, tattered, wrung out to dryness will not make her children happy. They always look at her face and catch her eye, trying to read in it what is hidden inside the mother. And if they see that mom is unhappy, first of all they blame themselves for this. That's how children are.

7. My husband is the same core as I am

And that is why in the first place (after myself) is the husband, and then the children. The husband has an unconditional priority (read item 5 on the hierarchy) and this is for the children, IMHO, only for the benefit.

8. My shopping has changed beyond recognition

With my first child, I spent some incredible sums on all sorts of children's things, outfits, gadgets and tweaks. I bought tons of things for Anya, but I bought almost nothing for myself, because children's things do not require fitting and buy them quickly, and there is always little time, so I’d better buy for her, and for myself sometime later ...

It's different now. I realized that children 1) grow very quickly. 2) get dirty. 3) absolutely do not need so many clothes and in general, by and large, they do not care what to wear. In order to feel all this, it took me almost 8 years of motherhood and 3 children. Now I buy things, mainly for myself, and for the children - according to the leftover principle (there is money, time and desire - I will buy a new T-shirt for my child, no - it looks like an old one).

I mastered the basics of online shopping and began buying clothes for children in online stores in the United States, where it costs reasonable money and often there are sales and super-sales. Even taking into account the shipment, an enterprise for the purchase of clothes for three children of different ages is a very profitable business in comparison with buying clothes in Moscow. I always look forward to promotions from the series "today an additional 40% discount on everything, including the clearance section" things for a penny.

For myself, I also buy things on sales. I don't remember when I bought something at full price. I just feel sorry for giving a lot of money for something that in 1-2 months will cost 3-4 times cheaper. I know for sure that I can make better use of the saved money. I have at least two dozen beautiful dresses in my closet that I look great in, but none of them cost a lot of money.

9. I began to spend several times less on decorative cosmetics

By my 35, I realized that the key to a good appearance is proper nutrition, physical activity, a sufficient amount of sleep at night and happy eyes shining with happiness. This is the base. Everything else is a series of optional aids.

10. I realized that it was impossible to do everything and put up with it

In the same way, I resigned myself to the fact that it is better to do not perfect than not to do it at all.

And yet, behold, I suddenly remembered asking, who already has five children, what she learned with the birth of her fifth child. She thought for a few seconds, then said that with her fifth child, she learned not to pay attention to the opinions of others about her. She says that somehow a feeling of calmness and confidence in her strengths, her actions and her convictions came to her. And let those people think what they want, she doesn't care. Everyone has the right to their own opinion and she to her own, different from others, too.

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I wanted to write this post for a long time, but I put it off all the time, because it seemed to me that it was long, dreary, but there was still no time and no ... In general, many months have passed, this idea still does not leave me, but the day is still the same 24 hours.

Therefore, discarding perfectionism, I write as it will be written in the time that I have in stock (and forgive me, please, typos, if there are any).

1. I realized that all children are different

Even if these are children born of the same parents and brought up within the same family, all the same, all these children will be different. Education, of course, matters, but its power is greatly exaggerated. Each child has his own innate temperament, his own inclinations, his own peculiarities of development, his own nuances. And this is great! Every child comes into our life to teach us something. Identical children are either fantasy or a sign that you are a repetitive year.

2. I became much more tolerant and calmer

I think, having read the word "calmer", D. will sigh sadly and look at me with reproach. Yes, sometimes I scream, food and rowdy. But in general, I stopped worrying as much for a variety of reasons as I used to. Now I don't care at all that the child has found pussies and is pulling him with all his might for the second week in a row, that he loves to run naked or dress up in dresses, that he sucks a pacifier or is still in diapers, that he does not eat or eat bigger than me. I am not worried about ARVI, snot and temperature (yes, yes, all children get sick and it will pass). Age crises do not upset, but rather amuse me. I feel where it is possible to give the child freedom, and where it is worth standing his ground to the last and keeping the boundaries of what is permitted.

3. Speaking of borders

The framework of what is permissible must necessarily be. Earlier it seemed to me that it was wrong, you need to give the child freedom and just guide him, explaining. Alas, it doesn't work. Clear boundaries are needed of what the child can do and what the child cannot. The children themselves are very fond of the rules. For example, “we eat desserts only after eating”, “first lessons - then cartoons”, “whoever hasn't washed their hands before eating, will remain hungry”, “exactly at 20-00 we go to brush our teeth”, etc. And if there are these boundaries and clear rules, then there is no need to explain why ice cream or a chocolate bar (even a piece!) Is not allowed now, why you need to wash your hands if they are already clean and why your mother does not allow you to watch another episode of Luntik. Rules - there are rules (the law is harsh, but the law).

4. I don't bother with early child development.

Freedom and Equality? No, this is not about us. With the birth of our third child, D. and I came to the conclusion that hierarchy in the family is necessary, and its absence is destructive. Mom and Dad are in charge, children are the people. Dad is the most important, even mom obeys him. The elder sister is the main one among all children. The older brother is more important than the younger one, but this not only gives rights, but also imposes responsibilities. So far, there is only one problem: those who do not fit into the framework of the family hierarchy have no authority. Lyova, for example, refuses to obey her grandparents, because "they do not live with us" and "dad is the most important, and they are not the main ones." But we are working with it)))

Over the years of work at school (such an experience happened as well), I had a chance to encounter different families. And not always the children who lived in unsanitary conditions and went around dirty and hungry were from large families. But for some reason, the degree of distrust towards large families is still greater.

2. Many children do not know how to protect themselves, so they give birth

This myth is practically true for me. I still don’t know what means of protection, other than sterilization, will exclude the possibility of my fourth child being born.

And given that the first and third of the children I born were born in spite of protection, I will be able to sleep peacefully now only after my husband's vasectomy, sterilization of myself or complete refusal of sex.

At the same time, after the birth of my third child, a lot of large families appeared around me, who gave birth to children in a planned and purposeful manner. From love.

3. Having many children is irresponsibility

A very philosophical question: what is irresponsibility? Have a baby or have an abortion?

In our case, the birth of a third child was the most deliberate and balanced decision in my entire life. I even approached the choice of a husband with less responsibility.

4. A mother of many children is a scared and twitched aunt

If you compare me after the birth of my first child and now, when there are already three children, then you can see what a great Zen overtook me. Zen of calmness and a bit of complete indifference. I no longer worry about little things, I do everything competently.

And I do not pay attention to much (very much) at all. In general, no twitching.

Photo source: @maria_komkofa

I was scared when my first child was born, and opposing advice on raising one was pouring from each side. What and who to listen to, how to be and whether to be at all - all this unnecessary information that you cannot systematize due to inexperience inspires you with complete distrust of the world and of yourself as a mother. Today I no longer ask for advice. But if they ask me to give, I can. I have many children.

I confess that the state of twitching sometimes does occur. As a rule, on Sunday, when the kindergartens and schools are closed and there is no need to wait for rescue. But on Monday you will not meet a happier and more peaceful person than a mother with many children. Especially if she's on maternity leave. Mothers with one child are unlikely to understand, but staying half a day with only one child is like going on vacation.

5. Many children are beggars

No, we are not beggars. Our family has a working father. He worked as the father of one, then two, and continues to this day. Even with great zeal.

The allowance that we now receive from the state is about 700 rubles. Not everyone is paid that salary. And sometimes I have time to earn extra money. This article will also add a few pieces of paper to the family budget.

I have already calculated the costs for the near future, when everyone will go to school and everyone will need to provide at least one mug. In general, the third child does not add a huge waste that can make us poor. Here the saying is quite true: "Where there are two, there are three."

Photo source: @troe_dochek

6. Give birth for benefits and benefits

Our allowance of 700-odd rubles after the middle child's third birthday will turn into only 300 rubles. You can't talk about that. And you need to feed the children every day, you have to dress them too.

And then another school, several types of sections, each with his own outfits, universities and three weddings. And maybe even nine grandchildren. On one allowance you will not clear up, children almost until the very pension with you (or on you).

7. The more children there are, the easier it is. They play with themselves, entertain

My dream: everyone grew up and finally began to clean up, eat, cook, wash ... and everything else by themselves. Then I agree with the myth. And today a huge chunk of my time is taken up by everyday life. It is not easy.

Every day I go out for a walk with all three. This is another quest. At least demolish and raise the stroller to the 4th floor. No lift.

And besides everyday tasks, there is also “Mom, play with me! - No, mom, come with me! - Mom, come on with me !! - Aaaa. " You need to find strength in yourself, and in a day it is time to please everyone, at least a little bit.

8. Giving birth for the sake of an apartment

Well, this is completely from the category of folk art. As long as you endure and give birth, the laws can change. What's the point in taking such risks?

And it is also important to know that even if it is possible to build an apartment on preferential terms, part of the money must be paid by ourselves. And often this is the kind of money that many families with one child will never have. No, I didn't grab a free apartment.

And many of those acquaintances who "grabbed", contributed tens of thousands of dollars for it.

9. Large all religious fanatics who are against abortion

I am not an atheist, but I am not a fanatic either. I admit a woman's right to abortion, and even admit such a right for myself. But not when the pregnancy happened, but we are all with legs and arms and capable of earning.

In the situation that developed with me, I deprived myself of the right to an abortion not for religious reasons, but for my own. Church and others like them have nothing to do with it. And, again, back to experience, in my environment there is only one family that gives birth to children for this reason. But they are not protected for the same reason. But this is an exception, very rare, by the way.

In general, do not believe in myths and destroy stereotypes. Large families, as a rule, are the same families as those with two children. And losers, dysfunctional and all kinds of others can be found in huge numbers among the childless. Children do not influence this in any way.

Elena Smolenskaya,
mother of three children (6 years old, 2 years old and 7 months old)

What stereotypes do you know?

Today a friend of mine asked me: “How are you doing? How does it feel to be a mother of three? " And I realized that this is the most popular question that I have been answering lately. And they often say to me: "Well, you are a hero!"

And I don't feel like a hero or any special mother! We have three children with a difference of 4.5 years - a daughter and two sons.

When a plurality of children appears in your home - two to begin with - it makes a big difference in your life. The difference between being just a mom and a mom of two is enormous! At first, you just do not understand how to integrate another baby into your life, overloaded with taking care of your baby, everyday life, developmental games, circles, God forbid, work and personal life? How to enter this river of sleepless nights, endless feedings, washings and walks with a stroller again, when your child is already eating on his own, goes to the toilet, says that he hurts and what he wants?

But if at this moment you realize that there is nothing sweeter than little heels that fit both in one of your palm, that you have already forgotten and really miss the breathtaking smell of milk with vanilla, which you only feel when buried in the neck of your baby, that sleepless nights pass as quickly as the summer flies by - then you realize that you simply cannot not afford another child, because this is exactly what you want most now!

When there are two of them, everything changes. Now, looking back, I understand that being a mom of two is much more difficult than being a mom of three!

When there are two of them - the first is rebuilt, that now mom is not only his universe, but also someone else's. Caring for a baby does not excuse you from studying with your elder. Relationships with your husband, which were pushed into the background when a new role, the role of a mother, burst into your life, require your involvement more than ever before, because you begin to realize that only a happy relationship between mom and dad is a guarantee healthy nervous system and harmonious development of children, that only personal example can teach them to be happy. But, as soon as you understood the basic principle and managed to build your life so that your husband is happy, the children learned to interact and even show the first signs of a team; when you have built your personal time into the cycle of monotonous affairs and monotonous days - when you do something only for yourself, then you have strength. When such a moment came in my life, my son was 3 years old. And my husband and I started talking about the third.

By this time, we felt that we had enough strength, time, and love. Leo was born into a space filled with love! My husband and I gave birth together, and it was a great experience that brought us even closer together. The new family member was eagerly awaited at home. The older sister and brother are thrilled and close their eyes with pleasure at every visual or tactile contact with the younger. Now he immediately begins to "gag" and smile in response, thereby causing an even greater wave of tenderness.

When there are three of them - you have more time - because the elders are able to serve and entertain themselves on their own, and the younger, while very little, quite often sleeps, and this is the time for other children, household chores, for himself personally. You decide for yourself why. Sometimes I just go to bed with the little one, while the elders watch TV or collect Lego, weave elastic bands, draw, sculpt, build a house out of chairs and blankets. In general, they now have enough cases in which they do not need me.

With the advent of the third, I learned to get up early and do a lot of things while everyone was asleep. Many training workshops have appeared in my life, time for jogging and home strength training. Now I have the strength and time to monitor my diet - because I also want to be a beautiful mother of three children. At the same time, I managed to defeat my perfectionism, I no longer have paranoia that I am not a good enough mother. Yes, my children do not speak three languages, sometimes they fight, and often we have a terrible mess at home. But they cannot spend a day without each other, and now even without a third, my daughter goes to a regular school, copes with her lessons, she has a swarm of girlfriends. My middle son is the favorite of the audience and the soul of the company. And my youngest is the sweetest pie, from which everyone is thrilled - from family to strangers.

I enjoy motherhood much deeper this time. With the advent of my third child, I realized that children grow up too quickly and that I have very little time. But I still manage to memorize all the tender words, feel all the gentle embraces, read all the good fairy tales, sing all the warmest lullabies to all my three children.