Education without punishment and shouting. How to grow a Personality. Education without screaming and tantrums (L. Surzhenko). Reasons for yelling at a child

08.11.2020

All parents, when they have a baby, think that they will raise him without unnecessary reproaches and remarks. But very little time passes, and even the most persistent are ready to resort to punishment, to raise their voice to some actions of a little person. Such behavior can adversely affect the development of a new personality, distort its perception of the world. In this article, we will figure out how to raise a child without screams, violence and tantrums, and at the same time not make him a capricious egoist or a weak-willed mattress incapable of independent decisions.

Why do parents scream at their children?

Reasonably - warning of danger, for example, near roads, in public transport and other places unsafe for the baby. Here the high tone is a necessity associated with protection, the prevention of undesirable situations. After that, you should definitely calmly explain to the child what was done wrong.
unreasonable - other incidents - from an uncleaned room to a broken vase, unwillingness to obey your rules. The vast majority of these problems are solved without disruptions, tantrums, punishments, but at the same time giving a valuable lesson. And some can be completely avoided.

Many young parents repeat the same mistakes that were made during their upbringing, and embody them unconsciously. Only the process of complete reflection, control over one's actions allows this to be excluded.

Reasons for yelling at a child

Different perception of time. Adult people live in a slightly different rhythm, they have a whole day planned out, but kids don’t know about it, so you shouldn’t be surprised that they resist when they are rushed. Children do not understand how important it is for you to be in time for this or that place, to complete any task. Shouting is quite capable of leading to conflict and tears.
Family tradition. Often, parents are guided by this principle, believing that if they always raised their voices at children, then it’s right. But a rare person undertakes to analyze the situation, to think about the real validity of such actions. Even a minimal calculation will show that there are no serious reasons for such behavior.
Bad mood. Parents are people too and bad things can happen to them. But the baby and his behavior is not a reason to take out his anger and negativity on him. It is worth remembering that children perfectly feel the mood of adults, unconsciously starting to worry, worry.
Authority. There is an erroneous opinion that mom or dad is always right, and the baby, due to age and little experience, is not able to put forward suggestions, judgments. Often, even the sound thought of a child is rejected, which is extremely regrettable.
Breakdowns. If you have children, you must immediately accept that expensive vases, figurines, plates and other things that have any value for you, but are in a conspicuous place, will be broken. This must be assumed initially, and not angry after. Numerous conversations are not important here, since toddlers and teenagers rarely spoil something on purpose.
Prohibitions. This topic arises at a later age, when you have to limit the time spent by the child at the computer. They appear most often due to the fact that at first the parents allow something, and then abruptly take it away without any logical reasons. Not seeing a causal relationship, the baby is lost and begins to act up.
Public opinion. Aggression towards the child can be provoked by the remark of strangers who have noticed something bad in the actions of a small person. The vast majority of parents will immediately begin to scold, scold their children, and loudly and inappropriately, thereby betraying their bad manners. It is important to consider here that you made many problems in education and reproach from other people is an indication of your mistake.

Side view - cry through the eyes of a child

No one likes it when they raise their voices, especially for no reason. But high intonations in relation to babies have other consequences besides unpleasant sensations.

Fear, and as a result, the development of phobias, self-doubt.
Loss of trust as children stop trusting perpetually disgruntled adults.
Soon a habit and resistance to shouting, spanking is developed, and this is already indifference.
Babies hear intonation, not words. If you want to convey the meaning, slow down the tone.
Gradually, the children themselves will begin to shout at your shouts, but already at you. And this is fraught with the manifestation of aggression of a different kind.

Thinking how to raise a child without screaming and punishment, so stand in his place when you raise your voice, or look in the mirror at this moment. You probably won't like what you see.

Why do children play pranks and act up?

There are several main reasons why toddlers can misbehave. They are easy to deal with if you think a little, and not act in a hurry.

To attract attention. All children are afraid of loneliness, so you should look more closely at their lives, successes, praise, be interested in business.
Overprotection. Freedom is just as important as caring. Think about it, if all the attempts at independence of the baby make you angry, then it’s time for you to take a breath and stop unnecessarily subordinating the life of the child to your views.
Revenge. Children can retaliate for the wrong done. And you can not always understand exactly why. But usually, the reason is not difficult to find out. Have you lashed out at a baby before? You will get a decent answer.
Uncertainty. Children may refuse to do something if they have been hurt or offended by other people's words or actions. Support your child, give him confidence in his abilities, do not forget about the miraculous power of praise, although do not overdo it.

Many adults, seeing a problem in communication and interaction with a small person, believe that the character of that person was formed under the influence of external factors without their participation. All difficulties, difficulties are justified by the external environment, some abstract concepts from the category of horoscopes and other things that are inappropriate in education. Often such parents turn to psychologists in the hope of correcting the situation.

But in most cases, they themselves are to blame for the fact that their baby is capricious, uncontrollable, disobedient and naughty. To avoid this, there are various tips on how to raise a child without screaming and violence.

Rationality. Remember, all your actions must be justified and not subject to momentary impulses of the soul, which requires reflection. You will have to change, because it is up to you how the child behaves. To begin with, it is worth establishing a strict daily routine that is relevant for everyone. It should be adhered to constantly, then the child will get used to many important activities, be more collected, learn self-organization. The same applies to judgments. Your phrases, actions must be justified according to the rules of logic; there is no place for thoughtlessness and inconsistency in them.
Own room. The presence of personal space will teach the child to be responsible, will allow you to plan some of your actions and steps. It will also give impetus to the development of individuality, the ability to express judgments, to defend them. Let the baby do what he wants there within the framework of the rules in the house, which are announced in advance and reminded regularly.
Personal example. Before you scold a child for a mess, look at your half. Is everything in the right place? Children learn by looking at others, and they look at the adults who surround them. Start carefully putting things away after use, the child will repeat after you, albeit not immediately.
Concreteness. Children, due to their age, do not have developed variant and abstract thinking, which allows adults to answer double, complex questions. By asking them to a child, you will not achieve sincerity and you will definitely not understand what is happening. Spend more time asking specific questions and find out what you need.
Subsequence. We have already talked about the rationality of your judgments, but it is also important to defend them step by step, thoughtfully. Do not change your point of view at once, stand your ground, especially this is true for tantrums in babies. The same applies to requests and instructions, you are obliged to remind about them until they are fulfilled. But this does not include abstract and complex requirements, such as getting only excellent grades in school.
Equality. Give the child the opportunity to speak, listen carefully and really consider his point of view, and do not pretend, if necessary, logically analyze it, explain the mistakes made. So you will help the child develop analytical thinking, consistently express thoughts and seek justification for their judgments. This is not taught at school, these foundations are laid by parents and their behavior.
Keep promises. Do not make rash bets with a child if you are not sure that you can fulfill the conditions if you lose. Say only what can be done. By doing this, you will strengthen the child’s faith in the world around him and give him confidence in his abilities.
Punish. It is not necessary to shout to make a suggestion or to reprimand for what you have done. Didn't clean the room when asked? Hide your favorite toy. Did you do it wrong? It is necessary to explain where and what was wrong. Ideally, the system of values regarding good and bad is laid from the cradle, constantly shown by examples, including personal ones.
Championship. Many parents who are wondering how to raise a child without screaming and tantrums are faced with whiny and uncontrollable behavior of the child when the baby is confused to lead adults. This cannot be allowed. Mom or dad should always be the main, leading, and the child is led.
Constancy. Both parents are required to behave in the same way, not playing the notorious roles of "bad" and "good" cops. This is unacceptable in education, since one of the adults will always look positive in the eyes of the baby, and the other, due to the futility of his efforts, negatively. Therefore, the spouses should discuss in advance the system of rewards, punishments, methods of action.
Recognition of mistakes. If you were wrong and the child got hurt because of it, apologize. Do not be afraid that in this way you will undermine your own authority, on the contrary, you will give a valuable lesson. And having guilty, the child will come and ask for forgiveness in a similar situation.
Go without intimidation. Never threaten, this will lead to unnecessary trauma and phobias that can adversely affect the entire life of the baby. And do not leave the child alone with fears, nightmares. In his eyes, you are the only one who can defeat any monsters. And never make fun of the experiences of children, do not talk about them with irony or sarcasm. A child cannot understand or feel this.
Support. Everyone needs approval, especially children. Praise success, encourage achievement, don't be afraid to do it in public. This will give you confidence in your abilities.

Thus, in order to raise a child without screaming, punishment and tantrums, you first need to take care of yourself, subordinate your life to certain rules and get used to living in them. Then your baby will begin to take an example from you, and his behavior will even out and it will be much easier to communicate with the child in the future.

It's not about feeding rules or choosing a functional stroller for your kids. Raising a child without screaming and punishment is what is most important now. Let's talk about what mistakes you are definitely making in raising your children. Let's think together what problems of raising children in the family await you.

Raising a child without screaming and threats - what mistakes you can make every day and what it can lead to later:

Let the kids cry! Never, under any circumstances, tell your children that it is shameful to cry. Do not say that tears are a sign of weakness (and for boys, only girls can cry). Children just won’t stop crying, but they will also feel not as good as you would like, and subsequently begin to close. Tears are emotions. Talk to the children about what they are upset about, how you can help correct the situation, what to do to smile again.
Independence! Let the child squeeze out the toothpaste by himself, put on his underpants by himself, and wipe up the water spilled by him by himself. Let the child try and learn everything by himself (of course, according to age). This does not mean that the child has nowhere to look for help. Doesn't mean that he has to do everything himself, of course you are on the hook. But when the child grows up, he will overcome all the obstacles and difficulties on his way more boldly and easily, he will think more confidently, and in adulthood he will not give in to making a decision. Because your upbringing prepared him for it.
You are not a mother hen! Let the children run and jump to their heart's content (you can't spread straw everywhere). Raising active children is exciting and interesting for you and for them. Remember also about yourself, about your development. By the way, on this occasion, I highly recommend looking in. Children copy us, we should be an example. And don’t forget about your husband, don’t deprive yourself of attention and care ().
Don't pass your dreams on to your children! Your task is to give them a horizon of possibilities. Each of us has our own desires, dreams, abilities and talents. So it is with children. If you want your child to be happy, give him the opportunity to try, decide and choose for himself.
Oh, you naughty one! I DO NOT LOVE YOU!…… Never, hear, never say such words to your children. The love of parents is free. Children should know that no matter what they do, they can ALWAYS turn to you for help. They must know that you will not stop loving them because of torn trousers or a bruised neighbor's boy.

In addition, it is very important to choose the right time for raising a child. It is significant to scold in front of strangers - this is hardly the right moment.

Raising children without screaming and tantrums is not a set of your (invented) clear rules, in case of violation of which punishment must necessarily follow. Since the upbringing of a child is, first of all, the work of the parents of the baby, a deep understanding and understanding of the child himself, the search for connection and contact with him.

Scream and punch! Raising children by screaming?! Is it worth it to beat children in order to educate?! It's all OUR fatigue, irritability, lack of sleep, problems at work and a whole lot more. You will inflict psychological (or physical) trauma on the child, intimidate. As a result, the child becomes angry at you and the world around you. As a result, it becomes without initiative, because the initiative can be punished.

Many parents doubt the correctness of raising their child. The main doubt, of course, always concerns the use of punishments. The conversation is not at all about a belt and spanking, but about punishments in general - such as a corner, deprivation of a computer or personal money.

How does punishment work?

We are confident that we know what is best for our child. This point of view persists throughout life. But, deciding for the baby, we crush his independence, turning a person into a mattress.

Need to be sure to listen to the wishes of the child!

Example. Mom dressed her daughter for a walk in a bright, beautiful dress, and she wanted to play in the sandbox. Mom forbids - because the dress will get dirty. But clothes are not important for my daughter, sand is important to her. The girl does not care what to walk in, the main thing is to have fun. Conclusion: Mom turned the walk into torture for both. And in the end, the daughter will be punished for being bored and wanting to play.

What is punishment?

This - additional motivator , which restricts the child in some action. But the child should be afraid not of punishment, but of the natural consequences of his actions. Punishing, we teach him to avoid reprisals, to lie, to dodge. Natural consequences are inevitable. Better to focus on them. I didn’t remove the toys - I didn’t find my favorite soldier. Here it is, the punishment!

Children who grow up without punishment are known to be less aggressive. After all, rudeness is revenge for pain. Punishment breeds bitter resentment that stifles everything, including common sense. .

That is, the child has nowhere to put this negativity, and it burns from the inside. Therefore, children often break down on younger brothers, sisters and pets.

What parents need to know about raising children without punishment - how to learn this art?

Stubbornness and whims - a way of self-expression of the child when he lacks freedom. Often they occur during critical periods of life - a crisis of 3 years, a transitional period. Every year, add freedom and personal space to your child, not responsibilities. After all, freedom is decision making.
Allow natural consequences are true punishments.
Feel the way out of the problem together. For example, a child took someone else's thing without asking. It must be clarified that the owner of the thing will be upset if he does not find it on the spot. Because she is so dear to him. We must return it to its owner!
An adult should ask the child's interest in the desired behavior rather than getting hung up on unwanted activities. Those. the parent does not warn, if you touch the flower, I will flog. A says, sit, play with the doll until I come.
But what about small children? They do not understand the wrongness of their actions, and it is almost impossible to explain it to them. Then you just need to physically remove the baby from a dangerous environment andcreate a safe environment for him. If he climbs to the yard dog, then you need to take the crumbs to another yard and distract him with a toy.
Talk a lot with the child. Explain what is good and what is bad. Simulate situations on dolls and solve problems in the game.
Do not impose bans on necessary actions. The child cannot sit quietly in a chair for about 40 minutes in line. It is useful for children to run, play, jump and frolic. That's why they are children, and the desire to have a comfortable child is a requirement of parental egoism.

Education without punishment does not lead to selfishness. After all, egoists are unloved children who, in adulthood, are trying to catch up.

Education without punishment is big and hard work . Mostly, this is work on ourselves - after all, no matter what we do, the children will still be like us.

How do you feel about punishing children? Is education without punishment possible? Share your experience in the comments below!

Surely every parent simply dreams of an ideal child, but raising and making great efforts is very difficult to achieve. However, psychologists assure that the main mistake of parents is education through constant screaming and physical punishment. To be successful in raising your child and to develop a mature personality may only take a little effort and know a few methods. How to raise a child without screaming and punishment?

The process of influencing the upbringing of a child is based on three principles: personal example, explanation, display of emotions. Unfortunately, many parents are completely sure that it is necessary to educate the child by means of physical punishment. It is for this reason that children develop a huge number of complexes, they become closed, uncommunicative and insecure, which is subsequently displayed in a negative way in their adult life. Therefore, the child must be brought up taking into account how you want to see him in the future.

The first principle is personal example

It is worth remembering always that the child is a mirror of the parents. Every parent should realize that they are an example for their children. After all, children are like sponges that absorb every word spoken and action taken in a given situation. Therefore, if you see that your child acted ugly in a certain situation, then do not rush to scold him for this, but take a closer look at yourself and remember when you could do this. Remember that every action of your baby is based on the behavior of each of the parents.

The second principle is explanation

Many parents ask themselves the question: "How to restrain yourself and not scream if the child has broken or dropped something?". Of course, a broken item can hardly be saved, but the parents are to blame for such a situation. So, it was necessary to hide this thing in a place where the child could not get it.

You need to talk with the child and explain to him what things you can take and what not. At the same time, the conversation should proceed in a calm manner, without hysteria and screaming. The baby must be treated not as a child who does not understand anything, but as an adult. Only then will you see changes.

The third principle is the display of emotions

This principle is quite effective in raising a child. Demonstration of sincere feeling is the basis of punishment without screaming. In each situation, it is necessary to voice your child's feelings. The next time, your baby will remember your words and what you felt bad about and will think about whether he should repeat the next trick. At the same time, parents are obliged to notice the good in the child, to praise him.

Raising without violence is not an easy task, which only loving, purposeful parents can do. In this article we will talk about how to raise a child without resorting to screaming, assault.

Why our child behaves in such a way that parents become ashamed of his behavior and their own pedagogical failure. There are several possible reasons for this:

Physiological features, temperament of the little one. Melancholics can spend hours doing their parents' errands, putting toys away. And choleric people tire others with their active behavior.
Rivalry of children in the family. Often, adults entrust older children with the care of a younger brother or sister. In order to “pull the blanket over himself”, the first-born shows disobedience, stubbornness.
Resentment. Did your parents keep their promises? Expect a storm, a surge of disobedience.
Copying the behavior of others. The kid “peeps” the behavior model of other, more authoritative peers for him. Strives to be like them.
Lack of parental attention. With the help of deviant behavior, the kid seeks to attract the attention of adults. Even negative attention is better for him than none at all. By the way, we already wrote
Checking the boundaries of permissibility. Thus, the baby checks to what extent he can manipulate adults.
Lack of ability to manage your emotions. The emotional sphere of the baby is not sufficiently formed, so the baby shows bouts of bad behavior.
Total control by adults. With the help of disobedience, the baby tries to get out of the constant control of mom and dad.
Spoiled. From young nails, the baby did not receive a refusal and now opposes any imposition of someone else's will.
Conflicts between parents. With his negative behavior, the baby tries to switch the conflicting parents to his own person.

Crises of childhood

Even the most ideal child is subject to behavioral changes at some point in their lives. There are 4 age crises for children:

First year of life;
third year of life;
Seven Year Crisis;
Puberty or teenage crisis.

At this time, children do not do it “out of spite”, but try to convey their desires and thoughts to adults in an accessible way for them. A responsible parent will not solve the problem by shouting, he will find effective ways of educating, approaches to his own child.

The main principles of raising kids without punishment and violence

How to find strength in yourself and not use the right of an adult to punish, beat a little bully in the educational process? Adhere to the following principles:

Patience. No one says that it is easy to educate without punishment. Difficulties and misunderstandings are bound to arise. But in order to raise a good person, it is important to show patience.
Unconditional love. It is much easier to apply sanctions than to find out the reason for disobedience or self-indulgence. But this is selfish on the part of the parents. It is important to love a child not because being a parent is a fashionable status, but just like that.
Acceptance of a child. Yes, it has flaws and problems. But he must know for sure that his parents love him.
Attention. If you do not give your child enough of your time and attention, problems will definitely appear.
Respect for the individual. Let the baby make decisions about the choice of toys, personal clothing from an early age. Respect his feelings, desires.
A good personal example. First, educate yourself. After all, your baby will, in the end, look like you. Set an example for him by your own meritorious deeds.
Pressure breeds resistance. If you constantly put pressure on the baby, then he will resist your pressure more and more. In the end, family relationships will become so tense that the baby will want to leave his own home. This will definitely manifest itself in whims, quarrels and tantrums.
Negativism manifestation of force. Remember, your authority is not eternal. One day the baby will be out of control, and the punishments will cease to operate.
Subsequence. If something is not allowed today, then it should not be allowed tomorrow.
The power of encouragement. Positive reinforcement of good deeds is much stronger than educational sanctions.
School for parents. Constantly develop, learn not to react to children's provocations, to ignore the emotional breakdowns of the little one.

Progressive educator Katherine Quals in her book The Joy of Parenting. How to Raise Children Without Punishment provides caring parents with a complete set of tools for building healthy relationships between children and parents.

Let the child know that he is useful. For example, when visiting a store, consult what you need to buy, in what quantity. Appoint responsible for certain actions, give feasible instructions.
The right to choose. Let him choose what clothes he wants to wear today, do not impose your opinion.
Warn in advance. It's much easier not to scream for not being in the crib yet. And without shouting, warn in advance that after 10 minutes you need to wash and go to bed.
Emphasize the importance of his opinion. It is important that the little one understands that his opinion on any issue is very important for every member of the family.
Use special symbols. Agree with the child that if the child behaves unacceptably, the parents will give him a conditional signal to stop. Such an approach will not humiliate a teenager in front of peers, it will provide an opportunity to correct their behavior.
Compromise and agreement. Avoiding conflict is easy. You just need to agree with the baby in advance. If you are going to the store, discuss the purchases that you can make while still at home.
Not all transgressions need to be dealt with. If you can't influence any undesirable behavior, legitimize it. For example, if your little one persistently continues to draw on the wallpaper, not paying attention to your prohibitions, change tactics. Select a special place on the wallpaper and let you draw there.
You and I are winners. Go for a compromise. Find solutions to the conflict in which everyone wins.
Learn to politely refuse. If a child does not know how to directly refuse adults, he will do it indirectly through bad deeds.
Avoid quarrels. The best war is the one that hasn't started. Move away from conflict situations, do not break the character of the child.

Opinion of Karpachev, Komarovsky

The well-known psychologist Dmitry Karpachev adheres to the same opinion in his book “How to Raise Children Without Punishment”. The well-known pediatrician Komarovsky also agrees with him. He believes that it is unacceptable to scream, and even more so to beat the children in the process of education. By such behavior, adults develop in a child self-doubt, aggression towards others, stress and children's fears.

Of course, it is easier to beat a child than to devote enough time and energy to the formation of his personality. But such approaches to personality education can cause irreparable harm to the psyche of the baby.