Murashova's blog. Katerina Murashova - about the most painful problem of upbringing. "The first existential crisis forms the question:" Mom, will you die? "
Many generations of parents ask themselves the eternal question: what to do if the child does not obey? The best answer to this question was the Russian teacher A.S. Makarenko. This article is an excerpt from his book"Lectures on parenting", first published in 1940, but still relevant today.
For parents, only one thing is needed: more or less thoroughly know what surrounds your son or your daughter.
Many cases of children's misbehavior, and even more so many phenomena of childish promiscuity, would not have occurred if the parents got to know their son's comrades better, with the parents of these comrades, sometimes watched the children's play, even took part in it, and took a walk with them , went to the cinema, to the circus, etc.
The question of the form of regime relations between parents and children is extremely important. In this area, you can find a wide variety of exaggerations and exaggerations that bring great harm to education. Some abuse persuasion, others - various explanatory conversations, others abuse affection, fourth - order, fifth - rewards, sixth - punishments, seventh - compliance, eighth - firmness.
During family life, of course, there are many cases when affection, conversation, firmness, and even compliance are appropriate. But where it comes to the regime, all these forms must give way to one main one, and this is the only and best form - the order.
Parents should not think that a business tone contradicts the love feelings of a father or mother, that it can lead to dryness of the relationship, to their coldness. We affirm that only a real, serious business tone can create that calm atmosphere in the family, which is necessary for the correct upbringing of children, and for the development of mutual respect and love between family members.
Parents should learn a calm, balanced, affable, but always decisive tone in their business order as early as possible, and children from a very young age should get used to this tone, get used to obey the order and carry it out willingly.
You can be as affectionate as you like with the child, joke with him, play, but when the need arises, you need to be able to dispose briefly, once, to dispose with such a look and in such a tone that neither you nor the child have doubts about the correctness orders, in the inevitability of its implementation.
Parents must learn to give such orders very early, when the first child is one and a half to two years old. This is not at all difficult.
You just need to make sure that your order meets the following requirements:
1.
It should not be given with anger, with a cry, with irritation,
But it shouldn't be like begging either.
2. It should be feasible for the child, not demanding from him
Too hard tension.
3. It must be reasonable, that is, it must not contradict
Common sense.
4. It must not contradict any other order of yours or
Another parent.
If an order has been given, it must be carried out without fail.
It is very bad if you ordered, and then you yourself forgot about your order. In the family, as in any other business, constant, vigilant control and verification is necessary. Of course, parents should try to exercise this control largely unnoticed by the child; the child should not at all doubt that the order should be carried out. But sometimes, when the child is entrusted with a more complex task, in which the quality of performance is of great importance, open control is also quite appropriate.
What to do if the child did not follow the order? We must first of all try to avoid such a case. But if it so happened that the child did not obey you for the first time, you should repeat the order, but in a more formal, colder tone, something like this: “I told you to do this, but you did not. Do it immediately, and so that there will be no more such cases. "
When giving such a repeated order and always striving for its implementation, you must at the same time take a closer look and think about why in this case there was resistance to your order. You will definitely see that you yourself were to blame for something, that you did something wrong, that you overlooked something. Try to avoid such mistakes.
The most important thing in this area is to make sure that children do not accumulate the experience of disobedience, so that the family regime is not violated. It’s very bad if you allowed such an experience, if you allowed the children to view your orders as unnecessary.
If you do not allow this from the very beginning, you will never have to resort to punishment later. If the regime develops correctly from the very beginning, if the parents closely monitor its development, punishment will not be needed. In a good family, punishment never happens, and this is the most correct way of family education.
But there are families where upbringing is so neglected that it is impossible to do without punishment. In this case, the parents resort to punishments usually very clumsily and often spoil the matter more than they correct it.
Punishment is a very difficult thing; it requires tremendous tact and caution from the educator. Therefore, we recommend that parents, if possible, avoid the use of punishment, and try first of all to restore the correct regime. This, of course, will take a long time, but you need to be patient and calmly await the results.
In the most extreme case, some types of punishment can be tolerated, namely: delay in pleasure or entertainment (if a visit to a cinema or circus was scheduled, postpone it); delay of pocket money, if they are issued; prohibition of access to comrades.
Once again, we draw the attention of parents that punishment by itself will not be of any benefit if there is no correct regime. And if there is a correct regime, you can freely do without punishment, you just need more patience. In any case, in family life it is much more important and useful to establish the right experience than to correct the wrong one.
Likewise, you need to be careful and rewarding. There should never be any prizes or awards announced in advance. It is best to limit yourself to simple praise and approval. Children's joy, pleasure, entertainment should not be given to children as a reward for good deeds, but in the natural order of satisfying right needs. What a child needs must be given to him under all conditions, regardless of his merits, and what is unnecessary or harmful for him must not be given to him as a reward.
And a few more tips.
1. When asking a child to do something, never resort to the help of strangers, saying: "You will not obey, the babayka will come! I will tell everything to grandma! Dad will come and punish!" By pronouncing such words, you thereby sign your own inferiority and undermine your authority.
Teach your child that if you say something, your word is weighty, and you need to be reckoned with. And for this, always be consistent in your words: you set a condition for the child, promised something - did it. And it doesn't matter that it is a trifle, but you are tired at work or you have urgent things to do.
Remember: if you do not keep your word, the child will sooner or later stop taking your word for it, stop considering you as an authority and, as a result, stop obeying you.
2. It often happens that a child (no matter small or large) is so keen on playing or some other activity that it is psychologically difficult for him to quickly interrupt his activity. If an adult at this moment begins to force him to do something else, the child will be perceived and begin to conflict.
To prevent this from happening, you need to gradually bring the kid to a change of activity: "Play another half hour, and then we will go to the store." After a while, you need to remind again: "15 minutes left, ... 5 minutes." That. when the time comes to go to the store, the child will be psychologically ready for it.
3.
Another common parenting problem is misunderstanding due to common phrases.
Many adults use generic phrases like "Behave yourself" in parenting. And this is a big mistake. Often, children do not even know what they want from them, and put their meaning in these words.
Therefore, when the mother asks to "behave", the child does just that: he jumps and has fun. After all, this is "good" from the point of view of the child. But one has only to say: "P walk along the corridor quietly, slowly, on the right side", - and the child will immediately do what you ask.
The child does not obey, and this complicates the life of the parents. The transformation of an obedient child into an uncontrollable mischievous person can be imperceptible. The modern pace of life makes our children grow up faster. The most common cause of this is a violation of the emotional connection between the child and the adult. Simply put, parents do not take seriously what interests the child, and he, in turn, ceases to hear the adult.
In fact, it is very important how an adult speaks to his child: with what intonation and with what tone. Words must be heard, and therefore pronounced clearly and weightily. In order for the child to feel that everything is really subject to fulfillment, the adult needs to confirm the words with actions. Here are some tips on how to effectively make your child obey.
Disobedience is a type of protest
Develop a habit of obeying
At the age of three and seven, a child usually has a kind of relationship when he wants to do the opposite. The other extreme is if the child recklessly obeys everyone. Both behavior is wrong. The child must distinguish between the people who are significant to him and obey only them. It happens that a child obeys one of the parents, which means that he has chosen him as his leader.
The habit of obedience is a prerequisite for proper upbringing. Ideally, when he does not need to repeat anything, however, in order to achieve this behavior, it is necessary to know the characteristics of childhood. For example, becoming an authority for a 13-15 year old child is more difficult than any other. The main thing here is not to miss the moment.
Existing Methods of Fostering Obedience
Modern pedagogy offers a step-by-step method that contains the stages of education from simple to complex. If you follow this method, the result will please. Although the method is considered universal, it is optimal to start using it when the child is 2 years old, at the age of 14-15 it may not work. The teenager should try to become an advisor and teach him to solve problems on his own.
Give your child things they like to do So, in the beginning, without violence, the child does only what he wants to do. Observe at this moment the child and take note of what he likes and what he is most attracted to. For example, your child is drawing. Praise him and ask him to draw something. Drawing will continue, but the kid, without noticing it, is already fulfilling your request. The purpose of the first stage is to make the child's actions match your request.
How to teach children to come to you at the first call?
5 reasons for not obeying a child at 4 years old, try to treat him with something tasty every time or just hug him and kiss him. Didn't come the first time, call again and remind him to come right away.
Urgent matters, how to explain their importance?
Suppose you are playing with a child and the action is in full swing, but the time has come and you need to cook dinner. Do not be silent, explain to the child everything as it is. He will understand, and you can negotiate with him every time you need it.
Have a dialogue with your child What to do if the child is naughty?
Some children try to get their way with whims. The task of the parents at this stage is to stop the whims and make the child hear you. To do this, you just need to stop indulging the child in his whims. In this case, all household members must be at the same time, otherwise the result will not be achieved.
At the age of six, it's time to start a more difficult stage. You need to move from requests to requirements, just not abruptly, but very carefully. First, demand what the child would have done without your orders. For example, you know that he likes to go to buy bread, but does not like to take out the trash. You say firmly: "Go for bread!" Just do not demand to do everything at once.
We teach the child to perform duties
Requirements - separate tasks, responsibilities - systematic. Already at the age of three, the child should already know about them. Explain why it is important to fulfill responsibilities and that all adults do so. Tell him what will happen if people stop fulfilling their duties.
At first, they should be simple, preferably those that bring positive emotions. Parents need to know that it is not easy and time-consuming to train to fulfill responsibilities.
Responsibilities must be feasible for children Solving problems yourself
This is the next stage after the child has learned to perform duties. Independent actions sometimes consist of a whole complex of tasks. For example, you can independently prepare for a hike or excursion, help your household. It's time to develop this quality at the age of 12, and this stage is associated with understanding the concept of independence. The child must understand that by performing independent actions, he takes responsibility, that is, is responsible for his actions. For example, a child received money from you to pay for electricity. Explain to him how important it is to pay for these services so that he realizes his responsibility and understands what will happen if he does not do it.
Older children should have household chores The Role of Motivation in Fostering Obedience
Notices and threats are ineffective methods of education. The best ways are gaming or competitive. For example, make cleaning an interesting game. Your child is a police investigator or treasure hunter. He explores the territory of the room and looks for the missing toys. Task: find everything and put them in their places.
Avoid monotony. The more interesting the assignments, the more they will attract attention. Try instructing your child to do some speed action. Then, do everything faster, and then break the record of the previous days, etc.
Even cleaning can be turned into an interesting game. If there are more children in the family, then a tournament can be arranged between them. This will make children's lives more varied.
In order for the child to want to clean his room, hide his favorite toy and tell him that you can only find it by cleaning the room.
What about a teenager?
Teens don't like to clean their room either. How to make the child obey in this case? After all, they can avoid communication with adults, and even more so their requests.
The hardest thing to contact with a teenager Try to motivate the child, explain to him that with the order in the room, he will have more order in life and he will succeed much more easily. An organized room makes him more disciplined and fit. Find a role model for him. This could be someone you know who has achieved success in life or his idol. Perhaps using negative examples to explain how not to do it.
Shame the child, tell him that adult successful people have order in the house, and he does not belong to them yet.
The teenager needs to be taught to keep order. Try to clean the room with your child, talk to him, showing respect. Just be careful. There is a risk to invade someone else's territory, because the child may have secrets with which he would hardly want to share.
Do not demand from the child the ideal fulfillment of your requests and requirements, this can deter you from fulfilling them for a long time. And praise them often when they heard you and showed obedience.
Similar materials
I think that all parents dream that children fulfill our requests, that they listen to our opinion and know that if we are talking about something, then this is really useful and necessary information.
But very often we are faced with the fact that when we say something to a child, if he hears us, then very rarely reacts. And if it does, then for the tenth, hundredth time.
What to do? How to build such a relationship so that children respect us and consider us an authority, listening to our opinion? We read the article obedient child in 10 steps.
1. Respect your child
No phrases like "You are so and so!", "Only people like you!", "How can you ?!", "Look at others!" and other things that may offend your child's personality.
The human brain is designed in such a way that if someone insults us, respect for this person automatically disappears, and it is almost impossible to hear and perceive the information that the person who insulted us says.
In fact, this is a protective function of the brain. If someone tells us something bad about us, we stop considering that person as an authority. And accordingly, all the value of his words for us disappears.
2. Be a source of interesting information
70% of interesting, informative, new and only 30% of corrections and some kind of moralizing.
It is very important that if you want you to become an authority for your child, and he really voluntarily listens to your opinion, you must keep up with the times. Your child should understand that he can turn to you in any situation, that you can always prompt, and that you have the information he needs.
If you see that his focus of attention is declining, know that you have gone too far in moralizing and in some information that is not very disagreeable for him. Return again to interesting information, return to what will help you build your relationship with your child and, accordingly, naturally achieve obedience and respect for you.
3. Set an example, don't be unfounded
It is very important that your words do not contradict your actions.
I think that if you see any person who declares some very important truths to the public, but then you find out that he lives in a completely different way, your respect and trust in him will drop very sharply.
The same thing happens with our children. If a mother for a very long time, with instructions, tells how bad it is to say bad words, and then the child sees that mother, in a conversation with someone or driving on the street, when she was cut off, uses these words, then he understands that not everything, what mom or dad says is important, not everything should be followed because mom, telling me one thing, she herself acts differently.
The classic situation is when the parents smoke, and the child is told not to smoke. I'm not talking about the need to come and light a cigarette with him.
But if your child has grown up to the age when he asks you: "Mom, is smoking bad?" if you say to him: “Bad!”, if he asks: “Mom, do you smoke?”, then a much better effect would be to say: “You know, this is really a huge problem for me. I smoke - it's very bad. I have such and such consequences, and I really hope that you will never do this! "
4. Don't ask rhetorical questions
A very common situation, which I, unfortunately, also faced with the birth of my first child.
When we go into the room, and toys are scattered there again, or when we come to school, and there again the teacher says that he did not prepare for the lesson or did something wrong, or did not do his homework the way it should have been to do, and not because there was no time. But because he simply did not consider it necessary.
And the parent in such a situation begins to say: “How many times can I tell you!”, “When will it finally end?”, “I've already told you 180 times!”, “All children are like children, and you!”, “ Why are you behaving like that? "," Will it ever end or not? "
What should a small child answer when they come to him with such a proposal? “Mom, you've told me this 25 times already! For the 26th time I realized that I will not do this again and will not happen again! "
But it's not real, is it?
Often, if a mother enters a room and it is not tidied up, and she begins to say: "Again toys are scattered, again things are lying around in the closet!" Because the child, focusing on these rhetorical questions that do not require an answer from him because he does not understand what to say, he skips all further information.
Moreover, he understands that mom can talk just for the sake of what to say. And again, our words become just a background for him. He only hears these first phrases, and further concentration of attention absolutely falls.
It is much better if you want to achieve results, say clear and understandable sentences: “I want you to clean the room. I will be pleased, please, do this and that! "
Do not be afraid that this will sound like authoritarian phrases. These are clear and understandable attitudes that we want to achieve from our children. If you say them politely, children are much more understandable and much more realistic to figure out what their parents generally want from them.
I want to reveal one more secret that the same formula will help women to communicate better with their men because very often, if we also begin to address our men with such rhetorical questions - how many times should I tell you? - just like children, they do not hear us.
5. Don't expect the impossible
Do not demand that your child, after your first request, immediately follow all orders, tasks, and just obey you after the first word.
We are not soldiers, and our children are not soldiers either.
Moreover, I want to say that the brain of a small person under 14 years old is for sure! - is arranged in such a way that if he is busy with something - he reads, he watches some kind of program, he draws something, or he just sits and thinks about something - then his concentration on everything else drops very much.
Indeed, a child who is really doing something may not hear us. While this causes a very violent reaction in us, some kind of resentment, and in the end we repeat it once, a second time.
When we are already losing our temper and screaming, this irritating factor is very strong, the child shudders, reacts, starts to do something, and in the end it seems to us - a standard phrase for many mothers - “You just need to shout at you in order to you did it!"
It is much better if you see that your child is busy with something, come up and touch him. Such a tactile touch, tactile appeal to the child immediately draws attention to you.
You come up, patted him on the shoulder or on the head, hugged him and said: "Please do this or that!" - the reaction to such an appeal will be much faster, much more willing, and the child will really understand what you want from him.
6. Don't manipulate your senses.
When a mother, trying to force a child to act in one way or another, wants to arouse pity in him, or, as we say, to awaken a conscience, telling him that “... dad is at two jobs, I spin like a squirrel in a wheel, still a little brother, can't you see how hard it is for us? Can't you do your job elementary - do your homework? "
Note to moms!
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Unfortunately, very often this is all mixed up with a sense of guilt, which the parents try, maybe not even consciously, to cause the child, saying that “... we are doing this for you, dad is doing everything so that you go to a good institute entered!"
What's happening? The little man cannot cope with the feeling of guilt. He still does not understand this all the importance that dad goes to work so that he has something there in the future. He lives here and now, he is not able to endure and somehow regret or somehow, perhaps, accept all the pain that the parent is experiencing, the whole weight of his life or some questions.
And the child unconsciously begins to move away. His psyche begins to defend against what can destroy it. And how is the psyche protected? Ignore, unwillingness to communicate, lack of any contact. When we ask: "How are you?" - "Fine!"
Therefore, if you want to achieve some things from your children, tell them honestly and without unnecessary emotions that "I need your help now." "I would be very pleased if you would help me." "I can't cope without you now!" "If you can, I will be very grateful to you!"
Such things are much more powerful than trying to push pity and induce some kind of guilt from our children.
7. Don't use threats
Sometimes, if our children don’t do something right away, and time is running out, or we have repeated it for the tenth or twentieth time, many parents resort to threatening: “If you don’t do it now!” or “If you don’t shut up in the store now, I don’t know what I’ll do for you!” "I'll give it to you ... Come home, you'll get it from me!"
What happens? It turns out that children, who should naturally see their parents as guardianship, care and protection, begin to see us as a threat and act out of fear.
I don't think any parent wants to have a fear-based relationship with their children. Because if the obedience of our children is based on fear, it always leads to only 2 things:
- This is that sooner or later there will be a riot, and at the age of 14 we will receive in full measure the absolute disregard, gnawing, rudeness from the children. It will seem to us - where do they come from? But this is all the spring that we squeezed with such threats, disrespect, some kind of aggressive behavior towards children.
- Or the second point - if we pressed hard, and our child was not so strong emotionally at this age, then we just broke him.
In this case, he will already respond not only to our threats and succumb to them, but also to the threats of any people on the street. He will not be able to stand up for himself because he simply has this function of defending his opinion and his desires will be broken.
If you need to achieve something, it is better to offer cooperation, some other alternative to threats.
Let's say, "You do it now, mom can buy butter in the store, and we will make cookies with you!" or "If you help me now, I will gladly put together toys with you and we can play something together!"
Better even if we offer some kind of barter. For some reason, many people do not like this scheme, but in fact it is not scary that we offer the child a trip to the cinema or some gifts in return. It is important that at the end, if we achieved what we wanted, the parent did not focus on the gift, but on what the child did.
He performed some action, tell him: "I am so pleased!" "It was so great!" "You did it after all." "You did so well - much better than I even expected!"
If we act in this way, then over time the child will understand that it also gives him pleasure to please you, and no additional mechanisms will be needed.
8. Be grateful
Very often we take the good deeds of our children for granted, especially if they have already grown up from a very early childhood.
In fact, it turns out that if he does something - a good mark, or he succeeds in something, or he folded the toys himself, made the bed - there is no reaction. The child sees the reaction from the parents only when he did something wrong.
What happens? The natural need of children is to please us. Why? Because through the reaction of the parents to themselves, the child forms his attitude towards himself. Through this reaction, his differentiation as a person takes place. If he hears from us only the negative, this feeling of himself as a person - self-confidence, the desire to be good, the understanding that you are important to someone who loves you, it is not filled.
In the future, the child can fill this function in other places: on the street, in some kind of company, where it will not be difficult for someone to say: "You are such a good fellow!" And then for this "Well done" he will be ready to do anything.
Therefore, thank your children, say thank you to them, and do not be afraid that this will happen often.
I'm not talking about putting on a chair and clapping your hands for every spoonful of porridge you eat. But I'm talking about the fact that it is worth noticing those little things that our children do every day, because in fact, what seems to us common is often another person's work.
9. Remember what you want to achieve
Always remember what you want to achieve by saying this or that phrase to your child. Ask yourself - what kind of reaction do I expect? Why am I going to say this now?
If you ask yourself about this, then in many cases you will understand that you are going to say this phrase solely in order to throw out your negativity, your irritation, your fatigue.
As we have already said before, doing this for a person who is younger than you, whose psyche is still much more touching and much weaker than yours, is simply unacceptable.
Therefore, if you can always ask yourself such a question, you, I am sure, will avoid many conflict situations and will not say many words that you would not like to say.
This formula sometimes seems to be just some pipe dream. It's a skill - being able to ask yourself that question - it's a real skill. When you learn how to do this, it will help you not only in communication with your children. This will help you in communication at work, in communication with your husband.
Before each phrase, you can take a breath inside yourself and ask: “This reaction now - where will it lead? What do I want to achieve? "
Often this question, like a cold shower, relieves our irritation and we understand that at this stage we do not want to behave ourselves in the best way, which gives us the opportunity to choose the correct strategy of behavior and communication with our children.
10. Don't Expect Ideal Behaviors from Children
Shouldn't we expect ideal behavior from our children? because we will never get it.
Our expectations will always lead to irritation, resentment and displeasure. Children in life, just like adults, will have their own stages, their own: 3, 7-8, 14 years old, when no matter how we behave, at some period they will say “No” all the time, they will snap.
All we have to do in this moment is to love them, because when a person is good, it is very easy to love him. We especially need love just when we do not the best deeds.
I am sure that in the life of every adult, if we are wrong, there will be at least one person who will always believe in us and say that “Yes, you are wrong. But I know that you are different. You are really good, and we will cope with all the difficulties! "
Therefore, I wish you that you become just such people for your children, and then they will always respect you, not just listen, but hear and gladly fulfill your requests and wishes.
Note to moms!
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Children are not always like the ideal that parents dream of, and that's okay. But still, every person raising a child is familiar with the irritation caused by the fact that the offspring ignores the words of the elders.
Here are some tips to help you achieve obedience without yelling, threatening, or swearing.
1. Keep calm
It is not difficult to lose patience when dealing with a disobedient child, but keep yourself in control and speak moderately strictly, seriously, evenly. Remember that anger and a raised tone will not inspire respect, will not help to become an authority for the child, only lead to undesirable consequences, for example, baby crying or more stubbornness. Sit down so that you are on the same level with the child, look into his eyes and explain in an accessible way what and why you need to do (remove toys, collect books, set the table).
2. Be kind
Don't let the negative in your relationship with the creature dearest to you. Try to nudge you into commendable behavior rather than drawing undue attention to things you don't like. For example, if a naughty child is running around the store while you are shopping, confidently tell him to walk instead of getting angry and yelling, "Stop running immediately!" In addition, parents are better off not speaking negatively or contemptuously about their children, giving in to irritation.
3. Don't lower the bar
The child must obey. If he feels that obedience can be canceled at will, then it will be extremely difficult for you to influence his actions. Parents do not have to constantly explain to their offspring that it is necessary to obey, so do not accustom the kids to constant squabbles and arguments.
4. Consider age
If you want your child to obey, make sure he understands exactly what to do. Sometimes children need detailed instructions, so don't assume that a small child “has to figure it out for himself.” In addition, do not give several assignments at the same time, because in this case your child will surely get confused in them.
- Come down now, otherwise you will not receive our traditional gift at the end of the reception.
- Well, okay, I don't care!
“If you don’t get off right now, I’ll tell your mother about your behavior.
- Well, okay, tell me!
Well, yes, she now wanted to argue so much that even the punishment could not frighten her.
As a typical child with a strong will, she was not afraid of my threats and did not listen to my commands. In short, it was my pedagogical failure.
After a couple more formidable and non-working phrases, it finally dawned on me: why am I doing all this? After all, she is aware that she is behaving badly, but I only exacerbate the situation with my threats.
So I changed my tone. She looked at her and smiled.
- We had such a great time together today. I would not want this stupid argument to be your main impression of our meeting.
She immediately relented and I was finally able to establish contact with her. And a couple of minutes later, she got off the closet and hugged me.
In this situation, I forgot that our words really make a big impression on children. Children, like adults, do not want to be commanded. I insisted on my own instead of speaking softly. Although she knew that it was this girl who most hated when she was forced to do something.
A school teacher who blogs under the nickname Teacher Tom recently wrote that, statistically, roughly 80% of the phrases adults use to speak to children are commands. Just think about it! 80%!
This means that 8 out of 10 of our messages to children are words about what needs to be done, and how to do it so as to meet our expectations.
It is not surprising that children argue with us so often and so much. What else is left for them?
As adults, it seems to us that we should point out to children about their mistakes and give instructions. And, of course, this is important. But not 80% of the time!
After I spent many sessions with strong-willed, stubborn children, I realized: the more commands I give them, the worse our connection becomes.
But how do you find the right words?
This is usually not difficult if you keep these three things in mind:
These words should describe unwanted behavior that we would like to get rid of.
These words should be a statement - not a command
These words should not contain threats of punishment.
"It seems that in this room all things are lying on the floor."
"Quickly clean up this whole mess!"
"I see that all the pieces fell because you touched them with your hand."
"Stop lying on the table - you have already thrown away all the pieces!"
"You just threw your toy at your sister because you were angry with her."
"Quickly go to your room!"
You will be amazed how much faster and more willingly the child begins to correct his behavior if it is marked not by a command and a shout, but by a calm statement.
I saw with my own eyes how terribly naughty children very willingly react to phrases like "It seems that one book is still lying on the floor" or "All the sand poured out right on the floor." At the same time, to shouts like "Take it away!" or tricks like “If you clean up after yourself, I’ll give you a present,” they didn’t react at all.
When we use statements instead of commands, we start a dialogue with the child.
For example:
By saying: “Cleaning the room is terribly unpleasant, I know. There is still a mountain of things that need to be put in their places ", we start a conversation about how much the child does not like to clean and why it seems to him such a difficult task. That is, we can discuss this issue with him and come up with some optimal plan for cleaning the room.
By saying: “How many more times do I have to tell you to finally remove this pigsty! No internet until you get away! " we get a fair fight, childish tantrum and exhausted mother, who is already ready to return the tablet back, just so as not to listen to these screams.
By using affirmations, we get productive conversation instead of tiresome arguments and quarrels.
Of course, using affirmative phrases will not get you rid of all your child problems once and for all. But this technique will definitely help you change the way you communicate with your child.
You will be able to calmly discuss unwanted behavior
You will spend less nerves
You will fight less with your child.
Try it! And don't be discouraged if commands and shouts still take up 80% of your interactions with your child. It is not so easy to readjust to a calmer mood. But once you start to notice positive changes, it becomes much easier for you to replace commands with statements. It is clear that we are all human and we can break loose from time to time, but it will be “sometimes”, not “constantly”.
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