Love triangle what to do for a wife. Why family and relationships on the side are important to him. Why is the situation not changing
In this article, consider the classic love triangle situation: Man + lawful wife + mistress.
Within the love triangle, each partner wants to achieve his goal:
- Wife- to keep the family and return the husband, or to part with him.
- Mistress- for a man to divorce his wife and marry me, or just spend time together.
- Man- I want novelty in a relationship. Cheating increases dramatically around the age of 40. At this age, a man perceives his wife as a mother (they control a husband, their behavior is very similar to that of a mother's). And a man wants to go to his mistress, "play" with her.
An aged man feels that he is no longer young, his potency is decreasing. He needs additional incentives. Where can I get them? On the side of another woman, often younger than him. But it happens that the mistress and the wife are of the same age. But the man perceives his mistress more playfully.
Only 5% of men leave the family for their mistress.
To mistresses: how to win a married man?
Information for mistresses: no matter how bad a man is in the family, he will not leave it. If you are ready to support him, but at the same time so that the man directs all his strength into the family, stay close to him.
The mistress does not criticize, a sparkle in his eyes, they are glad when he comes, words of tenderness and care - all this strongly attracts a man.
A man often deceives his mistress in order to keep her in order to keep the relationship in a love triangle. He can say that he will leave his family, divorce for the sake of his mistress - all this is not true. In 95% of cases, the man will return to the family, and the mistress will be left with nothing.
In this case, you need to deliver an ultimatum: “We will continue our relationship when you divorce your wife. I love you, but I no longer intend to tolerate group relationships. " Those. show your man that you are ready to continue the relationship only as a wife... And how long does it take for him to resolve this issue.
For wives: how to return a man to a family?
The wife has many more advantages than the mistress. So, you decided to maintain a relationship with a man and return him to the family. To do this, do 3 things:
- Remove any criticism, reproaches and indignation addressed to him. It is clear that it is very difficult to survive betrayal, in extreme cases, go to a psychologist who will help you find peace of mind.
- Do not think about your mistress at all. When you start talking about her, you "rekindle" the love triangle.
- Never say such words: "I am already old", "You have found yourself a young one." Those. there is no need to talk about shortcomings about yourself, and to the mistress - to emphasize her merits.
Put your husband in front of a choice with whom he wants to continue the relationship. Give him time to think (1-2 days). He has 2 options:
- The man remains in the family, deletes all contacts of his mistress and never gets in touch with her. In front of you, he calls his mistress and breaks off relations with her.
- The man wants to continue the relationship with his mistress. Then he wants to leave.
“I don't want to be in a love triangle! I don't want to be in a group relationship. "
If a man did not make a decision in the allotted time, consider that he stayed with his mistress, followed by a divorce.
The wife has another option, how to get your husband back... A man will never come to terms with the fact that his woman (ex-spouse) will seek happiness with another. And as soon as such an opportunity arises, it greatly sobering up the man, he often returns back to his wife.
Do all actions calmly, fewer tears. Don't act like a victim clinging to a man.
From time to time it is necessary to “reset” the husband-wife relationship in marriage, not to lose the “zest” in the relationship. A woman should constantly inspire her husband.
Never cry, don't beg your husband "I can't live without you," don't get down on your knees. Talk strictly and present the man with a choice. You already have a family, values, children - all this should keep him in the family.
Conclusion of the article: Dear women, remember, if you constantly demonstrate novelty in your relationship with your husband, he will never have any mistresses.
Questions From Readers
Our readers send a lot of messages where they are interested in how to behave if the husband has a mistress? How do you respond to this? How to return a snake home? We publish the most interesting ones.
Question: husband for 3 years promises to leave his mistress
Answer: the fact that your husband continues a long-term relationship with his mistress means he is good with her. His testosterone rises next to her. The way out for you in this situation is to increase your husband's testosterone itself.
Question: my husband wants to try the relationship F + M + F, how should I react?
Answer: of course, for a man this is super sex, novelty in a relationship. And what will it give you? If you agree to a love triangle, it will be almost impossible to get out of it later, while maintaining a relationship with your husband. Monogamous relationships are ideal for any woman, and it is impossible to keep a family if your husband communicates with someone “on the side”.
Question: my husband has drawn an image of an ideal woman in his brain and sees me in it. I do not fit this image, but he does not want to listen to anything. What can I do, how not to lose it?
Answer: if your husband sees in you the image of an ideal woman, then some features are present in you. Try to match his ideal, do not disappoint him that you are different. Just play the part and have fun. If you refuse him, the man will find another that is more in line with his ideal image.
Question: my husband cannot break up with his mistress. Several years have passed.
Answer: part with such a man. Don't waste your time on it. End the relationship and look for another man.
Question: I learned that my husband is cheating on me, but he does not admit it. What should I do?
Answer: If a man does not recognize the betrayal, denies it in every possible way - this is already good, it means that he wants to keep the relationship with you. You shouldn't push him against the wall and expose his betrayal. Why is a man lying to you and not confessing to treason? Thus, he shows that that relationship with another woman is not so important to him. For him, you and family are important, and the woman on the side is not so important. Another thing is when the husband admitted treason, then it is much more difficult to maintain the relationship. Cheating is not always a reason for divorce. Decide for yourself if you want to keep the family together or go for a divorce.
If you did not find the answer in this article, leave your questions in the comments.
Adultery is a difficult, difficult, painful situation, and, unfortunately, very common. It's no exaggeration to say that a love triangle is an eternal drama. What does a person feel after learning about the betrayal of a loved one? The strongest resentment, pain, fear of the unknown and disappointment in a partner, who until recently seemed to be a reliable life support. The existence of a love triangle brings emotional discomfort to all sides of it. Why can some triangles persist for years, and people who find themselves in a difficult life situation are not able to break the vicious circle of betrayal, forgiveness, reconciliation and new conflicts?
Triangle - a stable figure
Perennial love triangles, the sides of which are the husband, wife and lover of the wife, are rare in our society and, as a rule, are destroyed as soon as the strong half learned about the adultery.
But the mirror situation, that is, the triangle "he - she - his mistress" can, on the contrary, persist for decades. It is believed that male infidelity is perceived by society much more loyal than female, adjusted for polygamy, allegedly inherent only in the stronger sex.
In general, the pressure of society on a woman in such a situation is always stronger. Even if the wife turns out to be a victim and a deceived party, the guilt for her husband's betrayal is often completely shifted onto her shoulders: she refused intimacy, did not maintain comfort in the house, did not understand, did not look after her appearance, etc. The emotional state of a woman, already in a difficult life situation, is aggravated by a sense of guilt that she could not keep her husband from infidelity.
Like a bolt from the blue?
Although many women who have experienced a betrayal of a loved one say that the news of their husband's infidelity took them by surprise, the betrayal never happens "suddenly." Infidelity is just a marker for serious long-standing problems in the relationship. A woman talking about a family idyll, which was destroyed by an insidious rival, alas, is engaged in self-deception: if the spouses are connected not by a stamp in the passport, but by spiritual closeness, mutual understanding and deep sincere love, there is no place for a third person between them. Cheating is very often preceded by estrangement between spouses and serious dissatisfaction with family life.
Relationships on the side - an attempt to meet the needs that remain unmet in the marital relationship. The mistress complements the wife, giving the man what he does not receive in the family in the quantity he needs: love, support, acceptance, satisfaction of sexual hunger, etc. It is no coincidence that many men sincerely claim that they love both - both their wife and their mistress.
Why is the situation not changing?
Most often, in a long-term love triangle, all parties suffer: a deceived wife, a mistress and an unfaithful spouse who, it would seem, created this situation for his own comfort. The wife experiences severe mental pain when faced with the deception and betrayal of a loved one. The mistress has lived for years with the hope that the man will nevertheless decide to leave the family. The unfaithful husband suffers from guilt, conflicting emotions and inability to make a choice. And constant conflicts do not contribute to mental comfort. But at the same time, none of them dares to open the ill-fated love triangle. Why it happens? Paradoxically, each side benefits from this dysfunctional stability. Moreover, the benefit can be both perceived and hidden, but necessarily outweigh all unpleasant emotions and discomfort - otherwise the love triangle would not have existed for a long time.
When it comes to the unfaithful spouse, the advantages are more or less obvious: the man retains all the benefits of married life, while at the same time getting some of his needs met on the side. If the wife has lost interest in the intimate side of life, the mistress will relieve sexual tension. If in the family a man feels a lack of respect and understanding, on the side he can make up for this deficiency. Keeping the love triangle, a man avoids the need to make a choice and start a new life, sometimes from scratch.
If we are talking about a mistress who has lived for years in expectation that a man will divorce, and, even more so, a deceived wife, then the benefits of maintaining a love triangle are often not even realized by the participants in the drama.
Sometimes the wife agrees to put up with the role of the deceived party in order to maintain at least imaginary stability. An insecure woman is scared to take a decisive step and open the triangle, because she is afraid of being alone without creating a new close relationship. If a woman is financially dependent on her spouse, she may be afraid of losing material security and acquired property. Some women try, in spite of everything, to preserve the appearance of a "normal" family for the sake of children. Some revel in the victim role and the associated benefits, such as support, empathy, and indulgence from others. Someone continues to live under the same roof with an unfaithful spouse for the sake of public opinion: for the sake of the status of a married lady or out of guilt (the notorious "could not keep ..."). It also happens that a husband's betrayal is beneficial to a woman because it makes it possible to no longer invest in a relationship, not to satisfy his sexual and emotional needs.
As for the rival, for her, the love triangle is most often an opportunity to remove all the "cream", while avoiding the routine, the seamy side of romantic relationships that have moved to the level of living together. The mistress receives vivid emotions, attention, beautiful courtship and expensive gifts, and all the "household" goes to the wife. Sometimes the "homewoman" asserts herself, trying to prove her superiority, feminine strength and the ability to playfully take a man out of the family. In this case, the man himself does not play a significant role, being only a "prize" in the competitive struggle. Sometimes a lover is only interested in what she receives in a relationship, for example, financial support, attention and care, and not in the close relationship with a man as such.
In general, a woman who agrees to have a love affair with a married man is most likely experiencing fear of an intimate relationship, whether conscious or hidden.
How to open a love triangle?
Participants in a love drama cannot always cut the tangled Gordian knot on their own. This happens when each of the parties cannot get an option that would completely suit it, and prefers to keep at least a "bird in hand". In addition, each of the participants may have psychological traits that prevent him from decisively turning the tide by deciding to divorce, making a choice or getting out of the way. In this case, the help of a family psychologist is required. In a painful and difficult situation, a specialist will help:
- Realize the true motives, fears and benefits of each of the participants;
- Find the most painless way out of the situation and the opportunity to satisfy the needs that were realized in the "triangle";
- Maintain self-identity and normal self-esteem;
- Stabilize the emotional state;
- Find the internal resources necessary to resolve the situation in one way or another;
- Build strong and healthy relationships as a couple after breaking out of the triangle.
Life story: "I can not decide on a divorce ..."
Svetlana L. applied to the center in an extremely difficult emotional state. The woman accidentally found out that her husband was cheating on her: “Everything at once lost its meaning: life, love, career, the house that we built together ... My heart was bleeding and sore, and only one question was spinning in my head: why ?!”. Caught up in infidelity, Dmitry L. did not particularly open himself up. Admitting to his wife that his relationship with an unmarried colleague at work has lasted more than a year, he said that he loves both women, and invited his wife to come to terms with the existence of a mistress. Svetlana, dependent on her husband financially, saw no other way out but to try to keep the family together. Although she could not come to terms with the betrayal: “Everything inside was protesting. I felt like a complete insignificance and a rag on which everyone wipes their feet. "
The first sessions were aimed at reducing the emotional intensity and stabilizing the client's condition, after which Svetlana L. for the first time got the opportunity to soberly assess the situation. With further work, it was possible to find out that low self-esteem prevents a woman from opening a love triangle.
Svetlana L. confessed: “I can never forgive his betrayal. But I can't decide on a divorce either. Who needs me at 35, without education, good job, own home, and even with a small child in her arms? "
After working with a specialist, Svetlana L.'s self-esteem was normalized: the woman felt free from emotional dependence. Following this, the strength was found to resolve other issues: the woman was able to agree with her husband so that in the event of a divorce, the apartment would remain for her; albeit not yet highly paid, but still a job was found. Svetlana did not want to build further relationships with her unfaithful spouse. Having presented her husband with a fact, the woman soon received a divorce. Currently, the Center's specialist continues to cooperate with the client in order to avoid a repetition of a similar situation in the future.
The happiness of two lovers is the birth of a third, beloved by two.
The loss of happiness by both is the appearance of a third, who fell in love with one ...Evgeny Khankin
As ridiculous as it sounds, each side of the love triangle has its own benefits from the current situation. "What benefits can an unhappy wife have?" - you might be surprised. But let's talk about everything in order.
Why does a man have a mistress? Most likely, such a man lacks something in the family: for example, admiration, recognition, care. There is a great temptation to satisfy your needs on the side. At the same time, having started an affair, a man is in no hurry to get a divorce, in the "triangle" he feels quite comfortable and is fueled by the energy of two women who love him.
Moreover, this situation even elevates the traitor in his own eyes. Still would! Two women need him, suffer, and are seriously fighting for his attention. Finally a man! Some men get so used to living in a triangle that after divorcing their wife and marrying their mistress, they have a new favorite.
It's hard to believe, but the deceived spouse also gets some benefit from the betrayal. For example, a woman cannot or does not want to satisfy the sexual needs of her other half. In this case, his adventures free her from intimacy.
Usually a woman does not realize that she is partly to blame for the fact that her husband has cheated on her, and is sincerely indignant.
And some women even like to be deceived: they revel in their suffering, feeling like great martyrs or even saints.
A wife can also have quite tangible, material benefits from the adventures of her other half. The husband, who has a “stigma in the gun”, often tries to make amends: he presents his wife with expensive gifts, sends him to fashionable resorts. There are women who are quite satisfied with such "bribes", so they turn a blind eye to the love adventures of the faithful.
Why do some women choose to date a married man instead of starting their own family?
Often girls with low self-esteem become mistresses. Entering into a relationship with a married man, such a girl unconsciously “competes” with his wife, trying to prove to herself that she is “cooler, more beautiful, sexier”.
Another reason that leads to a connection with a married person is the fear of a full-fledged serious relationship. Getting married means taking on some of the responsibility for your family, adjusting to your husband, losing some of your freedom. To avoid these problems, some girls choose to have an affair with an already busy man.
If you happen to be on one side of a love triangle, try to understand why it happened. Perhaps, in a relationship with your spouse, you are missing something, and you are trying to find this "something" on the side. If your husband cheated on you, do not rush to blame him for everything - probably, there is part of your fault in his betrayal.
In any case, in order to "open" the love triangle, it is necessary to engage in careful introspection and take on some of the responsibility for what happened. When you understand the reasons for the situation, you can make the right choice and decide whether it is worth fighting for the relationship or it is better to break it off altogether.
If you are completely confused, do not neglect the help of a therapist. A competent specialist will help you understand the situation and make the right decision.
Finally - an unusual technique
Let's do a thought experiment.
Imagine that you have the super ability to "read" men. Like Sherlock Holmes: she looked at a man - and immediately you know everything about him and understand what is on his mind. You would hardly be reading this article right now in search of a solution to your problem - you would not have any relationship problems at all.
And who said that this is impossible? Of course, you will not read other people's thoughts, but otherwise there is no magic here - only psychology.
We advise you to pay attention to the master class from Nadezhda Mayer. She is a candidate of psychological sciences, and her method helped many girls feel loved and receive gifts, attention and care.
If you're interested, you can sign up for a free webinar. We asked Nadezhda to reserve 100 places specifically for visitors to our site.
A love triangle is a relationship model that, alas, is unlikely to lose its relevance. But if you approach the situation soberly and calmly, each wife from the “weak link” who is being cheated on can turn into the mistress of the situation. This process will be long and at times painful, but no one promised easy ways.
Our March article about stellar mistresses who became official spouses made a lot of noise. We were not accused of anything - propaganda of adultery, trampling on family values, lack of female solidarity, in the end ... We will not justify ourselves: simply because lovers have destroyed and continue to destroy seemingly unshakably strong alliances for centuries.
It makes no sense to pretend that in our world all marriages are ideal, and lovers are cartoonish negative characters who, like in any fairy tale, are left with nothing at best.
On our forum there have been, are and will be topics that give birth to wives who suddenly turned out to be a "weak link" in their own marriage. “Who is to blame” is usually not asked, although, as psychologists say, this is precisely where we should start. But the question "What to do?" sounds in every way. With him, we turned to our permanent expert, the mysterious Natalia R., the owner of the NR club, which is regularly visited by women who, at one point, by no means a wonderful moment, became not the only and unloved ones.
In fact, we had a whole list of questions, but in the end we did not interrupt the monologue of our interlocutor, who knows not only the causes and consequences, but also the ways out of the situation. The proposed strategy allows a woman to return, if not a cheater, then something even more important - self-respect and faith in herself. We give the floor to Natalia R.
Karma has nothing to do with it
“It is customary to blame the housewife for the collapse of the family, who allegedly appeared in the life of her husband and led him astray, but everything is much more complicated. A mistress appears in a man's life for several reasons. The most common one: one woman is not enough for him to fill his inner voids, to come to a state of harmony and peace - as I call it, “to feed his inner dragons”.
He gets something important from every woman, and there can be several of them - two, three, four. The main thing is that this is how he achieves a state of comfort, and if he has achieved it ... He will not come out of this state.
"The world is driven by men for two reasons - laziness and the desire for comfort."
Another reason for the appearance of a mistress is that in the man's system there has always been a place for her. Let me explain: if at least once he had a parallel relationship with two women and his subconscious mind tenderly whispered to him: "You are cool, you can ..." - then this scenario turns into a model of behavior.
I sincerely sympathize with those "lucky women" who, using female charms, multiplied by the strategic abilities of Machiavelli, take men away from the family, triumphantly anticipating a cloudless life in the status of a spouse.
“They do not understand that by taking someone’s place, they liberate their own - the place of a lover. And it will not be empty for a long time. "
Karma has nothing to do with it. If a man is used to having both a wife and a mistress, he will continue to live according to this scenario, even if the characters change.
"Well, what did he lack ?!"
Let's return to the "dragons" that men feed while communicating with women. What do they need so that there is no desire to look for it on the side? These are just five things: calmness, comfort, safety, stability, predictability... A man who has all this will be difficult to take away from the family.
"If at least one of these five components is not enough for a man, her absence can push the man out of the relationship and into the arms of his mistress."
With calmness and stability, everything is clear, with predictability, it is more difficult. She is often confused with everyday life - when a wife turns from a beauty into a person who waved her hand at herself. In fact, predictability is the understanding that everything can change in this world, but the wife's reactions, her support and love will remain unchanged.
A man needs to be surprised, but at the same time he must always feel that he will be accepted, hugged, enveloped in love. By the way, you need to surprise with a minus sign, take you out of the comfort zone, so that he strives to return to this zone and appreciates it with renewed vigor.
"Aerobatics for a wife is to be predictable in the correct sense of the word, but remain a mystery, a haze that a man wants to follow, despite the fact that you live together and know a lot about each other."
And one more thing: a wise wife never puts pressure on a man emotionally, in no case compares him with other men in the style of "but Vasya ...", does not try to make a decision for him, but always gives him this opportunity.
Two paths: accept or ignore
So, the moment has come: the wife feels that her man has another.
In fact, this is preceded by another important moment, when one side, legitimate, feels something and begins to seek, and the other side strongly wants to be found ...
“Sooner or later they may meet, or they may not. You need to ask yourself the question: "Do I agree to destroy my own relationship now?" If the answer is yes, you understand all the risks, but you are ready for anything, then you can go on the warpath with your rival. "
If you are not ready to destroy what is really expensive, it is better to stop digging. You need to look not for a rival, but for the reasons for the situation - and in yourself, and not in a man or the world around you!
The first point of the mandatory program is to pay attention to yourself, look in the mirror, and face the truth. If you find out that a man conventionally likes “shameless redheads”, this is a signal first of all for you - try to find something in yourself that is consonant with this image, adjust it for yourself.
Next, I recommend making a list with a name that may shock at first: "What good do I get in a situation where my husband has a mistress." No matter how cynical it may sound, there are pluses even in the most tragic situation. In such - even more so. You have a need to improve, which means to become better.
Next is to ask the question "Why am I in this relationship?" Both of these lists are powerful and can help you put things in order in your thoughts and feelings.
"Summary: until the wife raises the topic of infidelity, this situation does not exist for her."
As soon as the wife indicates her awareness - and it doesn't matter if she is scandalous or quietly crying, she must understand: history will repeat itself and she will eat the same thing with a large or small spoon, depending on her husband's appetites.
The first path is more environmentally friendly, and there are many more options for the development of events.