Problems of mother-daughter relations in generations. Mother and her adult daughter. A dead end in a relationship. Why is it difficult for daughters to experience adolescence

20.09.2019

It is wonderful when mother and daughter are like each other like two drops of water. At the same time, the similarity can be not only in appearance, but also in clothes!

There are five main ways to create adorable family style looks for you and your daughter. Get armed!

1. Dress in the same style

If you want the sense of style and good taste in your family to be inherited, then just dress your child the way you used to dress yourself. For example, models Adriana Lima and Kim Kardashian dress their daughters in black, as they themselves adore this color. Jessica Alba thinks that a white T-shirt combined with a denim vest is cool and comfortable, so she wears such a set with her daughter.

In general, children (especially small ones) always repeat after their parents, remember this.

All photos are enlarged by clicking.

2. Buy dresses of different styles from the same fabric

However, the dresses do not have to be exactly the same. For example, you like models with a deep neckline or bare shoulders, but a little girl doesn’t need extra cutouts, so we wear dresses from the same fabric, but in different styles.

It is logical that children's and women's clothing differ in shape and silhouette. The bottom line is that you and your daughter will look great together.

3. Dress up in almost the same clothes: skirts, t-shirts, jeans

A more practical way is to come up with the same looks for mom and daughter from everyday things. For example, you have black trousers and a denim shirt, your daughter has black trousers and a denim shirt - put them on together. And add a couple of accessories of the same shade to your bows.

Things do not have to be completely identical - a match in style and color is enough.

Let's assume that it is impossible to make sets from everyday clothes. Then let there be one similar (or exactly the same) thing in your images of mother and daughter.

Rubber boots, a cardigan, a scarf, denim shorts - even a small detail can turn you into a charming married couple.

5. Wear exactly the same dresses

The easiest option is to find exactly the same dresses in adult and child sizes. Imagine you and your daughter will be like two beautiful twins.

Doctors of Philosophy, hosts of the popular California program “Learning to Live in a New Way” and authors of numerous works on psychology Henry Cloud and John Townsend in the book “The Mother Factor” very accurately described the importance of mother in a child’s life: “From the mother we learn communication, intimacy the ability to keep a distance. She shows us how to overcome difficulties and survive our inconsistency with the ideal. The mother determines what kind of emotional personality her child will grow up, only the development of that part of the human soul that is responsible for success in work and love depends on her behavior.

Relations with the mother leave a deep imprint in the soul of every person, unfortunately, for many children they are not cloudless. As statistics show, most often adult daughters turn to psychologists with a complaint about their mothers, who make various claims against their parent, wanting to shift all the responsibility for their negative behavior and unwillingness to work onto her. They believe that a mother should not have a personal life, that she is obliged to nurse her grandchildren and help them financially. “She is already at such an age that she does not need anything but to see her beloved grandchildren every day and take care of them. And we are young, we want to go to the cinema or visit, and the mother declares that she has already raised her children and now has every right to rest, ”they complain.

It's a shame to hear such words of reproach from a daughter, but mothers are also different. Some of them did not take proper care of their children, but entrusted their upbringing to their parents. Daughters who were raised by their grandmothers most often repeat the mistakes of their mother. It's not for nothing that they say: "An apple does not fall far from an apple." The bad character traits of the mother in the daughters are even more pronounced. This is the main reason for quarrels and conflicts between mother and daughter. The daughter wants her mother to help her just like her grandmother, but the mother does not want, and cannot. She is used to living a different life and now it is no longer possible to re-educate her, one must accept this one and try not to repeat her mistakes herself.

A mother sets an example for her daughter from the very moment she is born. Even if she is a caring and hardworking mother, the emotional component of the mother's behavior comes to the fore when raising children. If a mother does not know how to control her emotions, constantly yells at her daughter and punishes her physically, then her daughter in family life will find it very difficult to maintain a good relationship with her husband. As an adult, she will blame her mother for raising her wrong, not loving her, and not prompting. The initiator of the cold relationship between mother and daughter is mainly the latter. Daughters do not want to communicate and meet with a mother who did not love enough or, on the contrary, spoiled her with excessive love and care. Mothers who failed to raise their daughter as a caring and hardworking housewife are forced to endure the antics of their daughter until the end of her life, who believes that she is the “navel of the Earth” and that a mother is needed only to satisfy her needs. It is quite difficult to re-educate an adult daughter and change her attitude towards her mother, which is why they say that the main purpose of a woman is to procreate. It depends on the behavior and example of the mother how her child will grow up, how he will treat his parents and what children he will leave behind.

Only a mother can give her daughter wings or clip them. If from childhood she teaches her to compassion, sympathy and hard work, then in adulthood she will be able to solve her problems on her own and will not look for the guilty when difficult situations arise. Therefore, we can safely say that how the relationship between mother and daughter will develop depends entirely on their wisdom and ability to control their emotions. If a mother raised her daughter as a calm, hardworking and purposeful woman, then she herself will take care of her mother, and will not blame her for not wanting to babysit her grandchildren and does not help her.

In this case, a very close family relationship develops between mother and daughter, and the daughter treats her mother as her best friend. Since childhood, she respects her mother, helps her and tries to somehow be useful to her. The mother, in turn, is ready for anything, for the sake of the happiness of her beloved daughter, she tries to support her in everything and rejoices in her success. To maintain such a warm relationship, the mother and her married daughter must live separately. At this stage of life, it is very important not to spoil a good relationship due to conflicts between mother-in-law and son-in-law, which often lead to misunderstanding between two loving relatives.

These days, there are many single mothers who live in the same city with their daughter and have not seen each other for years. There are many reasons why the relationship between them has become so cool - this is the mother's misbehavior in youth, the lack of motherly love and care, problems in personal life and career. Only by understanding the parental motives and delving into the circumstances of the mother's life can one understand why she behaved in this or that situation.

I almost never met families in which there would be no conflict between mother and daughter. Sometimes he is explicit, with scandals and a showdown, and sometimes quiet, hidden under polite phrases. But the contradiction between mother and daughter almost always exists. And there are deep reasons for it.

parental blackmail

How wonderful it is when a child is small. Mom loves her daughter, nurses her, takes care of her. But the girl grows up, and problems appear. Mom increasingly notices that her daughter begins to show her will, to do as she sees fit, she wants to decide for herself how to dress, make up, who to meet, when to return home. This is what the mother notices, but, unfortunately, does not see that her daughter has grown and become an adult. She got used to the idea that her daughter always obeys her, got used to the role of an authoritative mentor who has the right to teach, teach and "always knows what is best."

If she continues to oppose her daughter's independence, then she may begin to express her independence through scandalous behavior. Start smoking, drinking, wearing make-up and dressing, getting pierced in all places, dating “bad guys”, not coming home to sleep…

“There is parental blackmail as old as the world,” says psychologist Natalya Panfilova. “If you don’t do as I ask, then I will get upset, immediately fall ill and maybe even die, just to make you feel guilty.” Parents are very important people for us, however, this is not a reason for power games and blackmail. Adult relationships between parents and children involve the opportunity to be offended by a parent, express their critical opinion about his behavior, and even stop communicating for a while.

It is important to understand that a mother's opinion is very important for a daughter. She wants her mother to admire her, be proud of her, consider her smart, beautiful, successful - the best. And if the parent continues to instruct, criticize, give advice, then the daughter understands it this way: she does not suit her mother, she wants to see her differently, she believes that she needs to be improved and improved. This offends the daughter, hence the conflicts.

And mothers hold fast to their position and do not want to lose it. Particularly difficult situations arise when the daughter marries and the mother tries to control the now life of her family. Showdowns, screams, scandals begin, in which all household members are involved. This behavior of the mother can even lead (and often does) to the destruction of a young family.

Here is a story from my friend's life. This is a smart strong-willed woman with an authoritarian character, who believes that she knows everything best of all. Her daughter has her own family. A friend thought that the grandson was too busy and, in addition to school, he was given too many responsibilities. Here you have English, and a pool, and figure skating ... According to a friend, the child was not allowed to rest. She taught, criticized her daughter, lectured her. Finally, the daughter could not stand it, there was a stormy scandal, and she stopped letting her mother into her life, sharing with her what was happening to them ...

In what areas do mothers most often intervene in the lives of their daughters? They try to dictate to them how to dress, what partners to choose, how to raise children, build relationships with a husband, how to run a household, what to buy and what not to spend money on. The range of issues that mom tries to control is very wide ...

Let go of the mentor role

If a mother wants to establish a normal relationship with her daughter, then she must give up the role of a mentor. She had a different mission - just a mother, the closest, dearest person, always ready to help and support.

The well-known American interpersonal specialist Debra Tannen advises: “When a daughter becomes an adult, she has her own life, the details of which she does not always dedicate to her mother. The latter begins to feel excluded from her daughter's life. Any mother considers it her duty to help and protect her daughter, to do everything so that she lives as best as possible. And advice on how to act inevitably involves criticism. It turns out that it is the mother, in whose eyes the daughter wants to look perfect, who notices her shortcomings more often than others and talks about them ... Often the daughter does not need advice, but your blessing. Most of all, she needs your support. If your daughter asks for your opinion, instead of giving advice, praise her, cheer her up and tell her that she will succeed.

extremes

Sometimes a mother with a strong character still subordinates her daughter to herself. What is the result? She cripples the fate of her daughter, who stays with her mother for life, does not create her own family, does not build her own nest.

More than twenty years ago, the daughter of my friends went to college and fell in love with a fellow student without memory. For lovers, no one around existed: they walked holding hands, could not live without each other even a day. We decided to get married. But the daughter's parents "closed ranks" and said they categorically disagree. They say that young people must first get an education, settle in life. In fact, the girl's mother believed that the guy was not good enough for her daughter, she dreamed of a better groom for her. The parents transferred the girl to another university ... The case ended in a mental illness, and the failed bride remained disabled for life. She still lives with her mother, she has no family or children.

There are times when mother and daughter are close friends, they have a very close relationship. But I often observed such friendship only in those cases when both united against an alcoholic father. A common family problem united mother and daughter, they became the closest people.

Who owes whom

Star mothers and daughters also do not avoid such conflicts. For example, Lyudmila Gurchenko and Masha Rasputina had problems in relationships with their daughters. Hollywood celestials were no exception: Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow experienced serious conflicts with their mothers, Vanessa Redgrave and Goldie Hawn had problems with their daughters.

“The one who will be the first to partially admit that he is wrong and take a step forward will be right,” psychologist Marina Sergeeva is sure. - What is the use of confronting a loved one and proving your position? Make your daughter feel calm, and she will respond in kind. Do not argue, no one has yet come to goodness and understanding in this way. It's better to do everything with love. Psychologist Vera Komarova echoes her: “It is important to respect your daughter. If you want something from her, say it in a respectful way, without "must". Agree, find a compromise.

Yes, we raise our children, educate them, share our experience, life values, norms of morality and ethics with them. When they grow up, the upbringing is already over. But don't worry, your daughter has soaked up all the good things you gave her. Now let her show it. Let her go and let her build her own life, her own destiny.

Inna Kriksunova, for Fontanka.ru

Hello, dear Psychologists! I am 28 years old, married, happily married, two children: a girl of 3 years and a boy of 1.5 years. We live separately and far from my parents, my husband works, I am on maternity leave, there are no other assistants. Problem (real or far-fetched by me) in my relationship to my daughter. I am too strict with her, I often experience irritation, even anger, in response to her behavior. Sometimes I can’t help but slap. She is a very smart girl, interesting, developed. that she is now at a difficult age, she has been warned about all the manifestations of the crisis for 3 years. I try to respond adequately. ? Background of the problem: in my family there were always only girls in the female line. And everyone had a difficult relationship between mother and daughter. My mother and I began closer relations only when I began to live separately. and a cold mind, conditional love. At the same time, I really wanted my mother’s unconditional love. My mother had the same relationship with my grandmother, and my grandmother had a bad relationship with her mother. I couldn’t get pregnant for a long time, they were very happy when everything worked out Everyone really wanted a boy to finally be born. I dreamed of a son, and when I found out that there would be a girl, I was disappointed, as if they had deceived me. At the same time, I immediately pulled myself together and tried to accept and love the girl. It seemed to me that it worked out. I didn’t doubt myself. The pregnancy went well. I really dreamed of giving birth on my own. she was born absolutely healthy. But due to some suspicions of the doctors, they didn’t bring her to me for 10 days, they carried out some examinations. health, I decided to take my daughter home on my own subscription. No diseases, thank God, were found, everything is fine. I was reinsured. I really wanted to breastfeed. feeding. I felt guilty. Again. When my daughter was one year old, we consciously became pregnant again. A boy was born, also by caesarean, but already planned, he was with me all the time, I still breastfeed. From time to time I think that a cool attitude towards my daughter due to the fact that I did not breastfeed her, due to heredity, due to fatigue, due to my own temper and irritability. I struggle with these feelings, I am very worried in quarrels, I am very afraid of repetition I understand all this with my mind. But in the moment, how it twists. I feel that I am repeating the scenario.

Hello Katya!

You have already taken the first step towards change! You understand what you don't want. You notice what is happening in your relationship with your daughter. It is very important.

Not very clear about your severity. Did she appear with the birth of her son or was she always there? If the first, then this may be a deceptive impression that against the background of the baby she is already big. But she is still a very small child who still needs a mother.

As for breastfeeding, this is an important aspect of communication between mother and child, but not the only one. You spend time with your daughter - you are engaged. You can allocate some of this time to games, wallowing, tickling. Something fun, uplifting for you and your daughter. Set aside a couple of days a week when you are only with your daughter for a couple of hours.

As for your fears of repeating the scenario of the mother-daughter relationship, it is worth coming to a face-to-face consultation with this. And the sooner you deal with this issue, the more your relationship with your daughter will differ from the usual family scenario.

I will be glad to help you.

Sincerely, Anastasia Umasskaya.

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Hello Katya! Here the problem can be all together: an emotionally cold relationship with your mother (as a result, also a feeling of guilt, not knowing how to treat a girl, not working through your childhood experiences and also a “lonely inner child” - that girl who herself still lives in you and didn’t get that little warmth in relations with her mother and is trying to take it big from you, therefore, it’s less for her child) - yes, this is a vicious circle, but all this can be worked out and corrected - and if you are ready to take steps to understand and work on your problem and build a more harmonious relationship with your daughter (so as not to repeat that family scenario, and not to bring up the same feelings for you in your daughter) - you can contact me - write or call - I will be glad to see you and help you!

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Katya, when a person "feels that I am repeating the scenario" and wants to "... cope with it, break the vicious circle," family constellations help (I am a specialist in this field), as a result of work, all members of the family take their rightful places, the interrupted the movement of love (women of your kind had a "gap"), the system comes into order. It is better to see once than to hear a hundred times, therefore - come to see the seminar, be a "deputy" in other works, and there you will "ripe" for your work with a request. Good luck to you!

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