How to talk to a child so that he becomes successful? Communicate with the child. How? (Julia Gippenreiter)

14.08.2019

Every parent dreams of discovering the secret that every word of his will be accepted with confidence by the child, and every instruction will be meekly executed.

But it is so hard. And, as in communication between adults, communication is a two-way process, and listening is just as important as speaking.

The materials in this section will help you learn how to talk to your child and listen to him.

"I tell him, I tell him..."

How to talk to children about problems: five skills

How to listen to a child

How to talk so that children listen to you

Put an end to labels!

Jen Parker, Jen Simpson

Labels tend to stick for a long time. If children begin to notice that they are, say, “bad,” “stupid,” “lazy,” or “unintelligent,” they may feel unloved or even unworthy of love. If this is also repeated over and over again for some time and in different situations, then the label can become part of how the child perceives himself, which means that this will affect his self-realization. He may believe that he is really "stupid", "careless" or "not himself", which will cause corresponding changes in behavior.

Current page: 1 (total book has 11 pages) [accessible reading excerpt: 8 pages]

Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
How to talk to children so they learn

and Elaine Mazlish

with Lisa Nyberg

and Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

Illustrations by Kimberly Ann Coe

HOW TO TALK SO KIDS CAN LEARN AT HOME AND IN SCHOOL

* * *

The child understands the attitude of parents and teachers towards him by the way they talk to him. The words of adults affect the child's self-esteem and self-esteem. The speech of adults largely determines the fate of the child.

Chaim Ginott

From the authors

This book was born with the help of many people who believed in our success. Our family and friends helped us a lot. Parents, teachers, and psychologists from the United States and Canada told us about how they use communication skills at home and at work. Many talked to us, others sent letters. Joanna Faber taught at a city school for ten years and provided us with many touching examples from her own school experience. Bradley University and Brattain Elementary School have provided us with great support and assistance. We are eternally grateful to our permanent artist Kimberly Ann Cowie, who again managed to sort through our cursory sketches, breathe life and warmth into them. The right advice at the right time was provided by our literary agent, Bob Markel. We have always felt the heartfelt support of our publisher Elinor Rawson, who always knew in which direction we should move on.

Finally, we want to thank Dr. Thomas Gordon for the great work he has done in the field of adult-child relations. Of course, we cannot fail to mention our mentor Dr. Chaim Ginott. It was he who helped us understand why "every teacher should first teach humanity, and only then - his subject."

How did this book come about?

The idea for this book came about when we, two young mothers, came to the parent group of renowned child psychologist Dr. Chaim Ginott. After each session, we would return home together and be amazed all the way by the effectiveness of the new communication skills we had just learned. We so regretted not owning them years ago when we worked professionally with children, one of us teaching high schools in New York and the other next door in Manhattan.

At that time, we could not imagine what these classes would lead to. Twenty years later, the parenting books we wrote have sold more than 2 million copies around the world and have been translated into more than ten languages. The lectures that we gave in almost all states of the USA and in every province of Canada gather a lot of interested listeners. Over 50,000 groups use our audio and video content in countries such as Nicaragua, Kenya, Malaysia and New Zealand. For twenty years, we have been constantly hearing teachers tell how their work has benefited from attending our lectures, listening to our courses, or reading our books. These people literally demanded that we write a book especially for them.

An educator in Troy, Michigan wrote:

I have worked with rebellious at-risk students for over twenty years. I was amazed at how much I could learn from your books for parents... Today, a new school discipline plan is being developed in the area where I advise teachers. I sincerely believe that the philosophy of your book will serve as the cornerstone of a new plan. Are you going to write a book especially for teachers?

A school social worker from Floris Sant, Missouri, wrote:

Recently, I introduced the program of your group seminar "How to talk so that children will listen" to the parents of our area. One mother, herself an educator, began to apply the new skills at school and noticed that there were significantly fewer behavioral problems in her class. This was also noticed by the principal of the school, who was worried about the increase in the number of punishments and expulsions from her educational institution. She was so impressed with the changes in our class that she asked me to conduct a workshop for all teachers.

The results were amazing. The number of "requests" for punishments and suspensions has been sharply reduced. Children began to skip classes less often, and their self-esteem increased significantly.

A New York psychologist wrote to us:

I was seriously worried that there are more and more children who come to school with knives and firearms. I keep thinking that increasing the number of guards and installing metal detectors will not help us. It is important to establish effective communication with children. Perhaps if teachers had the skills you describe, it would be easier for them to help children deal with their difficult problems in a non-violent way. Would you like to write a book for teachers, school principals, parent committee members, teacher assistants, school bus drivers, secretaries, etc., etc.?

We took these suggestions very seriously, but decided we couldn't take on the responsibility of writing a book specifically for teachers. After all, we haven't been teaching for a long time.

And then we got a call from Rosalyn Templeton and Lisa Nyberg. Lisa turned out to be a third and fourth grade teacher at Brattain Elementary School in Springfield, Oregon. Rosaleen trained future teachers at Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois. Both were dissatisfied with the widespread use of coercion and punishment for disciplinary purposes in secondary schools. Lisa and Rosalyn told us that they have been collecting materials for a long time in order to offer teachers alternative methods that would make students more focused and disciplined. After reading our book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, they realized that this was exactly what they needed and asked for our permission to adapt this book for teachers.

During the conversation, it became clear that the experience of these teachers is very wide. Both women taught in urban, suburban, and rural schools across the country, both held PhDs in education and taught various workshops for teachers. Suddenly, the project we had been putting off for so long seemed feasible. If, in addition to our own teaching experience and the materials supplied by our teachers for twenty years, we can draw on the vast experience of these two educators, we may have a very useful book.

That summer, Rosalynn and Lisa flew to us. We found common ground from the very beginning. After discussing the rough outline of the book, we decided to present the material from the point of view of a young teacher who is trying to find a way to reach out to her students. In this image, we wanted to combine our own experience. We also decided to use the same elements as in our previous books - comics, Q&A and illustrated stories.

But the longer we talked, the clearer it became that if we are going to cover the whole problem of children's education, then we will have to go beyond the classroom and pay no less attention to the first teacher who is constantly present in the life of the child, that is, the parent. Whatever happens at school from 9:00 to 15:00 is largely determined by what happens to the child before and after this time. No matter how good the intentions of the parent and teacher, if they both do not have the means to implement them, the child will grow up to be a failure.

Parents and teachers need to join forces and form a workable partnership. They need to understand the difference between words that demoralize or inspire confidence; lead to confrontation or promote interaction; deprive the child of the ability to think and concentrate or awaken in him a natural desire to learn.

It became clear to us that we have a huge responsibility to modern children. Never before have so many children been exposed to so many images of senseless cruelty. Never before have children witnessed that so many problems can be solved with force, knives, gunfire or bombs. Never before have we felt such an urgent need to show our children a real model of problem solving through honest and respectful communication. Only in this way can we protect the rising generation from the impulses of violence. When the inevitable moments of depression and rage arise, children may reach for weapons, or they may choose the words they have heard from people who play an important role in their lives.

It is with these convictions that we set to work. Three years have passed. We wrote and rewrote our book, and when the manuscript was finished, we felt a deep satisfaction. We have developed a clear and understandable set of tips on how to talk to children so that they want to learn both at home and at school. We have given specific examples of attitudes and words that will find their way to any heart in the learning process. We have shown how to create an emotional environment in which children will not be afraid to perceive everything new and unfamiliar. We have shown how children can be encouraged to take responsibility and develop self-discipline, and we have developed many methods to help children understand who they are and who they can become.

We sincerely hope that our ideas will help you inspire and guide the next generation on the right path.

"I" in our book - who is it?

We decided to write this book from the perspective of a fictional character, Liz Lander. She will speak on our behalf. Liz is a young teacher like we used to be. She does her best to reach out to her students and awaken in them the desire to learn. All of us have gone through this path at one time or another. Liz will be our collective "I".

Chapter 1
How to cope with feelings that influence the desire to learn

My decision to become an educator was driven by memories of my own teachers, both those I loved and those I hated.

I had a huge mental list of all the things I should never tell my students or do in class. I knew for sure that I had to be an infinitely patient and understanding teacher. During college, I came to the conclusion that I must teach children in a way that makes them want to learn.

But the very first day in the “real” class was a real shock for me. I planned everything, but I was completely unprepared to communicate with 32 students. There were 32 students in front of me: they were full of energy, they had their own desires and needs, and they were constantly yelling. Half the first lesson was spent arguing: “Who stole my pencil?”, “Get off me!”, “Shut up, I want to listen to the teacher!”.

I pretended not to hear anything and continued the lesson, but the conflicts did not stop: “Why should I sit next to him?”, “I don’t understand what to do ...”, “He hit me!”, “She was the first to start !

I felt uneasy, the noise in the classroom was growing. The words "patience and understanding" somehow disappeared from my head. This class needed a teacher with an iron will and endurance. And then I heard my own words:

- Calm down! Nobody stole your pencil!

“You should sit next to him because I said so!”

I don't care who started first! Stop immediately! Now!

Why don't you understand? I just explained everything!

- I can't believe my own eyes! You are acting like first graders! Calm down immediately!

One boy didn't pay any attention to me. He jumped up from his desk, went to the pencil sharpener and began to sharpen the pencil. In my sternest voice I ordered:

- Enough! Sit down immediately!

"You can't force me," he replied.

We'll talk about it after class!

- I can't linger. I need a bus...

“Then I’ll have to call your parents to school.”

You won't be able to call us. We don't have a phone. By three o'clock in the afternoon I was completely exhausted. The children ran out of the classroom and scattered through the streets. God bless! Now their parents are in charge. I have served my time.

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the empty desks. What did I do wrong? Why didn't they listen to me? What needs to be done to reach these children?

In the first months of my work at school, the situation did not change. Every morning I walked into class with great hopes, and by lunchtime I felt completely exhausted. To pass the required program, I had to put all my efforts. But what tormented me most of all was that I was gradually turning into the type of teacher that was most unpleasant to me. I became angry and irritated, commanded and humiliated my students, and they became more and more stubborn and stupid. Time passed, and it remained only to guess how much longer I could stand it.

Jane Davis, the homeroom teacher of the next class, came to my aid. When I poured out my heart to her, she brought me her own copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk.

“I don’t know if it will help you,” Jane said, “but this book literally saved me! Without her, my own children would have driven me crazy long ago. Yes, and in the classroom it became easier for me to cope!

I thanked Jane, took the book, put it in my briefcase and forgot about it. A week later I was in bed with a cold. There was nothing to do, so I opened the book Jane had given me. I immediately noticed the words in italics:

There is a direct relationship between the feelings and behavior of children.

When children have the right feelings, they behave right.

How can you help them feel the right way? You just need to understand and accept what they feel!

I leaned back on the pillow and closed my eyes. Can I accept my students' feelings? I began to scroll in my head the dialogues with the children that happened to me this week.

Student: I can not write.

I: It is not true.

Student: But I can't think of anything to write about.

I: No you can! Stop complaining and start writing.

Student: I hate history. What do I care what happened a hundred years ago?

I: You care... It is very important to know the history of your country.

Student: It's boring.

I: No, not boring! If you're serious, you'll be interested.

Marvelous! I always told the children about the right of each person to their own opinion and their own feelings. But in practice, it turned out that as soon as the children began to express their feelings, I immediately suppressed them. I started arguing with them. The meaning of my words was in one simple phrase: "Your feelings are wrong, so you should listen to me."

I sat up in bed and tried to remember. Isn't that how my teachers talked to me? I remember one time in high school when I got a bad grade and the teacher tried to calm me down.

“You have nothing to worry about, Liz,” he said. “It's not that you don't have a talent for geometry. You just didn't focus. You had to focus entirely on the task. Your main problem is that you have the wrong attitude to study.

He must have been right. He had the best intentions, but after this conversation, I felt stupid and stupid. At some point, I even stopped listening to the teacher and just watched his mustache move, waiting for him to finally finish and I could go home. Are not my students experiencing the same feelings now?

For several weeks, I tried to be more sensitive to the feelings of my students and respond appropriately to them:

– It is really difficult to choose a topic for an essay.

– I know about your attitude to history. You don't understand why people care about something that happened so long ago.

It worked. I immediately noticed that the children began to behave differently. They nodded, looked me straight in the eyes and talked to me more. But once Alex said:

– I don’t want to go to the gym class, and no one will force me!

That was enough. I didn't hesitate for a minute. In an icy tone, I said:

You will go to class or go to the headmaster's office!

Why is recognizing a child's right to their own feelings so difficult? At dinner, I asked the same question out loud. Jane and other teachers were sitting at my table. I shared with them my thoughts about what I had read in the book.

Maria Esther, a member of the parent committee, came to the defense of the teachers.

“You teach so many children,” she said, “and you have so much to teach them. How can you pay attention to every word you say?

Jane considered.

“If adults,” she said, “think more about their In other words, we wouldn't have to "unlearn" much now. This must be acknowledged. We are all a product of our own past. We talk to our students in the same way that our parents and teachers talked to us. I know this from personal experience. Even at home, with my own children, it is very difficult for me to abandon the old script. To go from "It doesn't hurt. It's just a small scratch" to "Yes, scratches can hurt!", I had to work hard on myself.

Physics teacher, Ken Watson, was very surprised:

- Did I miss something? - he said. I don't understand what's the difference...

I thought about it, trying to find an example that would allow Ken to understand the difference, and then I heard Jane's words.

“Imagine you're a teenager, Ken,” she said. “And you just got accepted into the school team—basketball, hockey… whatever…”

“Football,” Ken smiled.

“Okay, football,” Jane nodded. - Now imagine that you came to the first training session, joyful and excited. And the coach took you aside and said that you had already been expelled.

Ken groaned.

“And then,” Jane continued, “you saw your class teacher in the hall and decided to tell her what had happened. Imagine that I am a teacher. I can react to your words in different ways. Put yourself in the place of the child and imagine what he will feel and think after my words.

Ken chuckled, took out a pen and reached for a napkin.

Here are some of the situations suggested by Jane.

Denial of feelings

- You're getting frustrated out of nowhere. The world will not turn upside down because you were not accepted into the team. Forget it.

Philosophical reaction

– Life is not always fair, but you need to learn how to take a hit.

Advice

“Don't dwell on this failure. Try joining another team.

Questions

Why do you think you weren't accepted? Are other players better than you? What are you going to do next?

Protecting the other side

- Try to put yourself in the coach's shoes. He wants to build a winning team. It is not easy for him to decide who should stay and who should leave.

A pity

- Oh, poor thing! I feel so sorry for you. You tried so hard to get on the team, but you didn't succeed. Now everyone will know about it. You must be dying of embarrassment...

amateur psychoanalysis

- Have you ever thought about the fact that you were actually expelled from the team because you did not have the soul for this game? I think that subconsciously you yourself wanted to leave the team, so everything happened right.

Ken raised his hands pleadingly.

- Stop! he pleaded. - Enough! I got it.

I asked Ken if I could look at his notes. He pushed the napkin towards me, and I read aloud:

Don't teach me how I should feel.

Don't tell me what I should do.

“You will never understand me.

“Shove your questions…you know where!”

You are ready to take sides, but not mine!

- I am a loser.

"I'll never tell you anything again!"

“Wow,” Maria said, “I tell my son Marco pretty much exactly what Jane said to Ken. And what should be done in such a situation?

“We need to recognize the right of the child to be upset,” I quickly answered.

– And how to do it? Maria asked.

I didn't know what to say and looked to Jane for support. She turned to Ken and looked him straight in the eyes.

“Ken,” she said, “it must be very hard to be kicked off the team when you were absolutely sure that you were accepted. You must be very upset!

"Yes," Ken nodded. “It was a hard blow. I am very disappointed. To be honest, it made me feel better that someone finally understood this simple thing!

After that, we all wanted to tell each other a lot. Maria admitted that when she was a child, no one understood her feelings.

How can we give our students what we have never received ourselves? Ken asked.

It will take a lot of practice to make a new reaction to the feelings of children familiar to us. I volunteered to offer a few more examples of how to respect the feelings of schoolchildren. Here is a small comic depicting my examples. I showed it to my friends a few days later.

Instead of denying feelings...

When a student's feelings are denied, he quickly loses interest in learning.

Put feelings into words

When negative feelings are acknowledged and understood, the student willingly continues his studies.

The teacher had the best intentions, but when a student is constantly criticized and given advice, it is difficult for him to think about his problem and take responsibility.

Confirm the child's feelings with words or interjections ("Yes?", "Mmmm", "I understand")

A sympathetic and understanding reaction to the student's distress, nods and acknowledgments help the child focus on their problem and even find a solution on their own.

Instead of reasons and explanations...

When a student refuses to listen to common sense, it is very annoying. How to act in such a situation? Is there a way to help a girl overcome her reluctance to exercise?

Give free rein to fantasy, although you can't do it in reality

When we translate a student's desires into fantasy, it is easier for him to cope with reality.

Instead of ignoring feelings...

It is difficult for children to change behavior if adults completely ignore their feelings.

Recognize the child's right to feel, even if his behavior is unacceptable

It is easier for children to change behavior when their feelings are understood.

Ken looked at my drawings and shook his head.

– In theory, everything sounds great, but it seems to me that this is an extra burden on teachers. How do we get the time to help children deal with their feelings?

Jane perked up.

“Time is not hard to find,” she said. - Come to school early, leave late, spend less time on lunch and forget about the toilet.

“Of course,” Ken nodded, “and in between planning lessons, checking notebooks, preparing schedules, and speaking at conferences (and between teaching as such), think about how your students might feel and how to fantasize to give them what what they can't get in reality.

Listening to Ken, I thought: “Maybe I want too much from the teachers…”

Jane seemed to read my mind.

- I know that the workload of teachers is very high. But it is very important for children to feel that they are understood. You know that when children are upset, they can not focus. They cannot learn new material. If we want to free their minds so they can think and learn, then we need to respect their emotions.

“And not only at school, but also at home,” Maria added understandingly.

We turned to her.

“When I was nine years old,” she said, “our family moved to another city and I had to go to a new school. I had a very strict teacher. When I did an arithmetic assignment, she returned me a notebook, where all the wrong answers were crossed out with large black crosses. She made me redo the exercise over and over until I got it right. I was so nervous in her classes that I couldn't think. Sometimes I even tried to copy answers from other children. On the eve of the exam, my stomach always hurt. I said: "Mom, I'm afraid." And she answered: “There is nothing to be afraid of. Just try to do the best you can." Father also said: "If you have learned everything, you have nothing to fear." But those words made me feel even worse.

Ken looked at Mary with interest.

– What if your parents said: “It looks like this exam really bothers you, Maria”? Would you feel differently?

- Well, of course! Maria exclaimed. “Because then I could tell them about the black crosses, about the shame I felt when I had to redo everything over and over again in front of the whole class.

Ken was still skeptical.

“But would you be able to get rid of anxiety and do a better job in mathematics?”

Maria thought.

“I think so,” she answered slowly, “if my parents had listened to me and let me talk about their fears, then I would have gained courage and I would have wanted to study better.

A few days after this conversation, we again dined with Maria. She smiled and pulled out small folded pieces of paper from her purse.

“Listen to what my children have told me this week,” she said. “Imagine what I didn’t say to my children after our conversation. First note from my daughter Ana Ruth.

Maria unfolded the paper and read: “Mom, the PE teacher made me run an extra lap because I changed too slowly and everyone was looking at me.”

Ken spoke first.

- You did not say: “What should the teacher have done? Praise you? Should I give you a medal for being such a jerk?”

Everyone laughed, and Maria continued:

“And this is what my son Marco said to me: “Ma, please don’t be angry, I lost my new gloves.”

“Now it’s my turn,” Jane volunteered. - "What?! You're losing your second pair this month. Do you think I print money? In the future, when you take off your gloves, put them in your pocket. And when you get off the bus, check the seat and the floor so that they do not accidentally fall out!

- And what's wrong with that? Ken was surprised. You are teaching a child to be responsible.

– Wrong time selected.

- Why?

When a person is drowning, it is not the time to give him swimming lessons.

"Hmm," Ken grumbled. “I need to think about this… Okay, now it's your turn, Liz.

Mary looked at the next sheet and said:

– This is also from Ana Root: “I don’t know if I want to continue to play in the orchestra.”

I almost jumped on the spot:

– You didn’t say: “We spent so much money on violin lessons, and now you say you want to quit everything! Your father will be very upset when he hears about this!”

Maria looked at us in amazement:

“How did you all know what I almost said?”

"It's very easy," Jane smiled. “That's what our parents told us. I keep finding myself saying the same thing to my kids.

“Maria,” Ken said, “don't torment us. What did you really say to the children?

“When Marco couldn't find new gloves,” Maria replied, “I didn't scold him. I just said, "Losing things is very unpleasant ... Do you think you could not leave your gloves on the bus?" He looked at me like he couldn't believe his own ears and said he would ask the driver the next day.

Maria continued:

“And when Ana Ruth said that the PE teacher made her run in front of the whole class, I replied: “You must have felt very embarrassed.” She replied, "Yes, yes!" – and then changed the subject, which is very characteristic of her, because she never tells me anything.

But the most amazing thing happened later,” Maria said. - After the music lesson, the daughter said that she did not know if she wanted to continue playing in the orchestra. She just killed me with these words, but I restrained myself: “So you want to play in the orchestra, and don’t you?” Ana Ruth considered. And then she spoke, and everything became clear to me. She said that she enjoys playing the violin, but rehearsals take too much time. She almost does not communicate with friends, no one calls her. She probably didn't have any friends left. And then she began to cry, and I began to console her.

“Oh Mary,” I said. Her words touched me deeply.

- It's funny, isn't it? Jane asked. “Ana Ruth couldn't tell you what really bothered her until you acknowledged her right to her own feelings.

“Yes, yes,” Maria nodded vigorously. - And as soon as the real problem was revealed, Ana herself figured out how to help herself. The next day, she said that she decided to stay in the orchestra and look for new friends there.

- It's wonderful! I rejoiced.

“Yes,” Maria replied, frowning slightly. “But I told you only about my good deeds. I didn't say what happened when Marco told me he hated Mr. Petersen.

- Oh-oh-oh ... It's hard - I sighed. “You were helping Mr. Petersen all last year, weren’t you?”

Mary seemed to be in a lot of pain.

"He's a very good teacher," she whispered. - Very serious.

“That's exactly what I wanted to say,” I explained. - You worked together. On the one hand, you wanted to support your son. On the other hand, you highly appreciate Mr. Petersen, and you did not want to criticize him.

“Not only Mr. Petersen,” Maria nodded. - I guess I'm a little old-fashioned, but I think that a child should not speak badly about teachers.

“But, having supported your son,” Jane intervened, “you didn’t have to condemn Mr. Petersen ...

Jane quickly jotted down her typical parental response to a child complaining about a teacher. And then we all together tried to come up with a useful dialogue.

Our problem was not to agree with the child and not to humiliate the teacher. Here's what we came up with:

Accept and understand the child's feelings and desires

The bell rang. Ken took his tray and said:

- I'm still not sure that all this is correct. Maybe this is suitable for parents, but it seems to me that it is enough for a teacher to be a worthy person, love children, know his subject and be able to teach it.

“Unfortunately,” Jane objected, walking out with him, “it's not like that. If you want to teach well, you need students who are emotionally ready to listen and learn.

I hurried after them, feeling that I needed to say something, but not knowing what. As I drove home that day, I looked back on our conversations that week and felt a new conviction growing within me.

I would like to say to Ken then:

The goal of a teacher is not simply to convey facts and information to students.

It would seem that the natural process of communication with your own child, but it can turn into a real test when mutual understanding is lost. What happens between parents and child? Why is everything changing?

Friendly communication is the basis of parental love

Many psychologists and educators come to the conclusion that parents do not know the basic methods of communicating with children. To improve your literacy, you need to read special literature.

Type of communication by age periods

From the moment of birth to 2 years, parents practically conduct a monologue with their beloved child. At 2-3 years old, the child is aware of himself as a person. At this moment, the child's character is formed, he vividly expresses his dissatisfaction with what he does not like. During this period, it is necessary to perceive the child as a person. Ask the child's opinion, if he doesn't like something, then try to correct the situation.

Communication should start from infancy.

Communication begins with understanding the condition of the child. If you master this tactic, then everything will turn out well in your relationship with your children. If you experience any difficulties in communication, try to adhere to the following recommendations.

If the child does not want to listen - you need to find out the reason

Books by Julia Gippenreiter about communication

Love, care and indifference

Unconditional parental love should permeate your thoughts and actions. Only in this case, all communication will be built on a disinterested feeling. All aspirations and actions that a person performs while in a state of love will certainly lead to success. It is unlikely that a loving parent will start a conversation with the phrase: “Will you get it from me now?”. The mood of the parent is indicated, the child has prepared for defense, now he is only defending himself. Try to avoid such statements in communication with children.

What is unconditional acceptance

Complete indifference is not welcome, it is important to understand the difference between calmness and outright indifference. Your indifference plays a detrimental role, the child becomes isolated, it is almost impossible to make contact in such a situation.

Methods of personal communication with your child

A conversation with a child should begin with eye contact, if the situation is calm, you can go to tactile contact. Through interactions, true emotions are transmitted, try to overcome irritation and negativity, take a step towards a meeting with all your heart.

The child takes an example from the parents

Try not to use the particle “not” in speech, it gives a negative connotation to the whole speech. Until you throw out the garbage, you don’t put things in order in the room, you don’t go to the store for bread. Preferably, when you take out the trash, you can play with the guys.

Praise your child for real success. Some parents go to extremes, some limiting themselves to sparing praise once a year, others bow to the child for performing daily actions. It is important to stipulate for yourself the criteria for the success of the child, if the achievement is real, then do not skimp on praise. This position will form an adequate self-esteem in the child.

And finally. Try to study the culture of speech - children copy our habits. If a child constantly hears speech errors, then he subconsciously copies them. You are the best example - it is a great honor and a great responsibility.

What determines the style of communication between parents and children?

Most often, parents choose the way of communication with the child, depending on their own temperament and ideas, which is correct. It can be pressure, a lot of demands and a system of rewards and severe punishments.

The other option is completely opposite. Parents always try to be kind and gentle, they allow a lot, do not raise their voices and hope that the child will appreciate it. If the child does not justify the trust, all the same pressure and restrictions are used.

The third option is probably the most successful. In this case, parents combine severity and softness, depending on the situation. Think about how communication is built in your family. You may find our tips helpful.

1. Less negative constructs.

Since childhood, we have been accustomed to the word “no” and the particle “not”. We talk the same way with our children. Don't touch the hot kettle! Don't drop the plate! Don't step into the puddle! As a result, the child feels like a fool who, without parental control, will definitely step into the dirt, drop something and break it.

Especially, it is not worth telling a schoolboy that he will not pass the exam, will not go to college, he will not succeed. The child will not start trying from such statements, he will just get upset. It is better to use a positive form in communication.

Take a towel to rearrange the kettle.

Hold on tight to the plate, it's heavy.

Focus on math.

Do your homework from 4 to 5 and then play or watch a movie.

Such phrases translate your claims and worries into a constructive, encouraging, and the child feels more confident.

2. Explain why this is needed.

We believe that children understand the consequences of certain actions just as clearly as we do.

That is, we know that if you study well, you can pass exams and enter a good institute, and then find a prestigious job. If you clean the room, it will be nice to go into it. If you read a lot, your vocabulary will improve and it will become more interesting to communicate with such a person.

But children are not yet ready to grasp cause and effect relationships on the fly. They understand that if you eat, the feeling of hunger will disappear, but the connection between an unloved subject and an interesting profession is not yet obvious to them.

Therefore, do not be lazy to explain that complex physics is useful not only at school (soon we will tell you exactly where it may still be needed), give examples of funny quotes taken from books that can be successfully inserted into a conversation, making your interlocutor laugh. Your explanations will work much better than "I said quick for the lessons!".

3. Questions with an open ending.

Remember how you are interested in the success of the child. For example, he went to a friend's birthday party. What will be your question when he returns? Most often, parents ask - did you like it? And the child answers in monosyllables, yes or no.

How are you interested in his school life? Most often this question is - are you doing well at school? And, of course, you get the answer - yes. This is not a very good way to mutual understanding. The child will not reveal any details of his life in response to a formal question.

Therefore, try to get him out of the shell, ask questions with an open ending that require a detailed answer.

What do you like about biology lessons?

What do you hate about physics?

Who is the funniest exercise in PE?

Try to stretch to the maximum, talk the child.

No need to go too far, for example, persistently ask who he likes. Watch how ready he is to open up, keep the necessary distance. Such tactics of detailed conversations and the necessary detachment will only bring you closer.

4. Understand and accept.

Often, even from childhood, parents tell their children - “you are a boy, stop crying” or “you are a girl, stop yelling and running around”.

If a child is afraid to enter a dark room, they tell him that there is nothing to worry about, just go and that's it. But the thing is, at our age, there are no monsters in a dark room. It is we, grown-up boys and girls, who can endure resentment without tears and do without running around with happiness (and even then not always).

For children, things are a little different. The same is true in adolescence and in adolescence. If they come to you with a message that they hate math, try not to answer that this is not a subject for conversation, you just need to go and do your homework! Otherwise, your child will simply close up and stop sharing his sorrows.

As a child, when you yourself complained that you were afraid to sleep in a dark room, it would help you a lot if your mother said - well, I will not close the door, and you will not be scared.

Leave the door open for your child. Listen to him. Remember yourself. Say that this is actually normal, that you can’t love everything in general. Think together how to be. Maybe you will find a teacher who will help you fall in love with something that seemed terrible yesterday. The main thing is to open your heart to the fears and problems of the child.

To build and maintain a relationship with your child, put conversations at the forefront.

Be sincerely interested in the lives of children, discuss in detail various events, emotions and feelings, keep a friendly tone and do not press unnecessarily. You will see what miracles simple human conversations are capable of!

The main thing - try not to be led by emotions, it is better to try to take the side of the child. Most likely, you will be able to look at many things with different eyes.

How does a Leo man behave if he is in love? Sometimes it is difficult for a woman to unravel the behavior of a man she likes. Figure out… (12) Bromine and bromine preparations Bromine salts, when introduced into the body, stimulate inhibitory processes in the cortex ... (10)

How to communicate with children correctly and skillfully?

This article: how to communicate with children will give you an idea of how to learn how to do it right not only with young children or a child, but also with a teenager.

How we communicate with our children is extremely important as communication plays a crucial role in shaping their personality. We communicate not only through conversations, but also through our body language or physical appearance. Our communication can be warm or cold, encouraging or discouraging, so it can influence children either positively or negatively. Using these tips, you can make your communication more effective.

Wanting to communicate correctly with the baby, learn to listen carefully to the baby: how he behaves and tries to convey information. By learning to understand how he conveys information through gestures, actions, emotions, you can use this in communicating with them.

As you teach them words, point to specific objects.

For example, when serving food, tell them the name of the dish that was served. This is how toddlers learn the relationship between sound and object. Later, they will be able to pronounce the word for a particular dish, product. This method trains their language skills. (Read the article How can parents teach their child to speak?)

Do you want him to bring you an apple? Show it to the baby, clearly pronouncing the name of the fruit, and then ask for it. Do you want to learn how to clean up toys? Point to them by saying their name and showing how to remove them. After a while, it will be enough for you to just say that you need to clean the room or bring some items, as the baby will do it.

Say: "I want."

Since children use short, one-syllable sentences, start your instructions with the words "I want." For example, I want you to clean, eat, go to bed, wash your hands. Speaking in this way, you firstly give instructions. Secondly, the little one learns to understand that there is an order established by the parents that must be followed.

The louder your baby screams, the softer you react. Let the little one know about your willingness to help him. Sometimes it will be enough for him to see a caring listener in the face of a parent in order to stop being capricious. It should be remembered that hysteria against him, sinking to his level, instead of one tantrum, you get two. Therefore, remain an adult for the baby.

Consider the level of development.

For young children, as mentioned, the instructions should be short and simple, so when communicating with them, consider their level of perception of information, understanding. For example, the most common mistake made by parents is to ask a three-year-old child why he did or did this? Agree, most adults are not always able to answer a similar question about their behavior. It’s better to take a different approach: “Let’s talk baby about why you can’t do this.”

Remember, the “once upon a time” link always works better than any prohibition. Since it implies that parents expect obedience from him, so that the baby can get what he wants. Therefore, it depends on his correct choice whether the baby will receive what he asks for or not. For example, when you put away the toys, you can watch a cartoon or take a walk, when you wash your hands, you can eat a tangerine.

Focus on yourself.

Focus on yourself before talking to your child. To do this, approach him and then talk. No need to talk to him from behind the door or the next room. Approaching him, go down to the level of his eyes, that is, sit down. This will help you make eye contact with your baby. Place your hand gently on his shoulder, look into his eyes. Only then speak, especially about serious requests or demands.

Eye contact is an important key in communication. Not only when you give him some instructions, but also when the baby misbehaves or you have to punish him. When they look into his eyes and speak, he clearly understands that they are addressing him.

Willingly listen to your child, letting him know that you are interested in how he lives, you are pleased to communicate with him. Continuing the conversation, ask him questions, listening carefully to the child. Always repeat what the children have said to you to make sure you understand them correctly.

Consider what the kids are doing when you talk to them.

If they are absorbed in the game, then they simply may not hear what their parents are saying to them. If you talk to the kids while playing their game together, be sure that you will be heard.

Calmness is always better than hysteria.

Instead of yelling, "Get your toys away, it's time for dinner!" Enter the child's room, where he is playing and quietly but firmly say that it's already lunchtime and you need to eat soon, so it's time to collect toys. Then join in cleaning it for a few minutes. This will show him that you are serious about your demands.

Even a two-year-old toddler can learn to say "please" and readily respond to such politeness. Therefore, by talking, teach children to be polite. Children shouldn't think that they don't have to be good manners. Using words: please, sorry, thank you. This not only makes the communication more polite, but also helps children feel that they are respected. Talk to kids the way you want to be talked to.

Repeat your instructions.

Repeat your instructions 1000 times so that the children clearly understand what you expect from them. Remember: Before the age of two, children have difficulty accepting parental guidance. As you get older, your kids will need fewer and fewer repetitions.

Children are so arranged that they are instantly distracted by foreign objects. Therefore, during a conversation, without the close attention of an adult, they tend to switch to extraneous things or strangers nearby. Therefore, when talking to children, ask them to look you in the eye.

Children, regardless of age, are not always able to speak or express themselves quickly and clearly. If children have difficulty with this, gently encourage them to keep talking. Ask them to try to explain in more detail what they mean or are trying to say.

Never avoid childish questions.

Children are very curious and tend to ask a lot of questions about everything they see. Learn to answer even stupid questions calmly and seriously. Encourage children to ask you about anything they are interested in. Never, in the presence of children, laugh at their speech, questions, telling your friends about it, and refrain from interrupting their speech. Children love listeners who listen to their speech. So, you contribute to the development of their verbal skills.

Use motivational words.

Never underestimate a child's self-esteem by saying that he is "stupid, stupid, hands do not grow from there." Avoid criticizing, threatening or saying hurtful things. Always speak in a pleasant tone of voice, using positive words.

Speak softly and affectionately that you are absolutely confident in the capabilities of the child, so you know for sure that he will be able to do well what he is asked to do. This encourages the child to try to achieve their goals. It also enhances his self-esteem. He grows up as a restrained and self-possessed person.

One of the ways to constantly communicate with children is to do something together. When you give him the opportunity to do something himself, he will be more willing to talk, + he can be glad that he worked with you.

From this video you can learn how to convince a child with a conversation.

Many families find it difficult to communicate with teenagers. It is difficult for parents to understand the changes that their child is experiencing. His desire to be alone sometimes, to make his own decisions on his own. Therefore, these tips will help you learn how to communicate.

Sincerely, Andronik Anna, Oleg.

Finally, watch another video.

3 comments: How to communicate with children correctly and skillfully?

I believe that communication with your children should be studied as hard as any art. Because today parental communication often comes down to carrots and sticks, punishment or reward.

Well said, Eugene. This is truly an art in which you become a skilled craftsman through hard work.

I agree that adults today have no more than a couple of methods of communicating with children, and no more.

And the article describes dozens of methods so well and in detail.

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How to talk to a child

At the request of Yulchatka, I will continue the topic What negative thoughts lead to . Because in the first article I did not touch on a fairly important issue: how they affect children.

Who doesn't want their child to grow up happy. For his life to be successful. And for this a lot of time and effort is devoted to education and upbringing. And everyday communication is not always paid due attention.

Sometimes what you just don’t hear on the playground. But who has never been angry with their child?

Most likely, there is no such parent. Unfortunately, it is in moments of irritation and anger that we do not pay attention to the words that we pronounce, to the comparisons and “labels” that we endow with our children.

How many times a day is usually repeated:

“Your room is always a mess.

— You can’t do anything (you don’t understand, you don’t know, you don’t want to…).

- Ignorant, dirty, clumsy, loser, stupid, greedy, mischievous ...

- You don't have a brain.

And these are not the most rough definitions.

All this is deposited on the subconscious and affects the future self-esteem of the child.

And it is important that these remarks, as a rule, are made emotionally. And most often VERY EMOTIONAL!

But it is known that any words work better when backed up by emotions. And in this case it does not matter: positive or negative. Such words are instantly recorded on the subconscious.

And the child already feels inside himself: harmful, greedy, unlucky, dirty, stupid, incapable of anything ....

A word spoken once can not have the best effect on the rest of your life.

Then, often we use requests (and sometimes orders) with the particle “not”.

But the subconscious does not perceive this prefix, and a direct order is obtained to continue doing what we want to wean from.

It is generally useless for small children to talk about what they should not do. They simply cannot understand how one can “not do”. That's why

Firstly, need to learn to talk, baby what to do rather than what not to do.

For example: instead of "do not jump" - "come with me calmly."

Instead of "don't shout" - "play quietly".

Secondly, remember that every definition that you call your baby will affect the formation of his self-esteem. So talk about it the way you would like it to be in the future.

Third When you tell others about your children, you should not characterize them not from the best side. It is strictly forbidden to do this in the presence of a child.

But behind the eyes, you create a negative mental image. In this case, it is better to refrain from discussing or talking about problems in order to solve them, and not just for the sake of interest.

Your opinion about your child is justified. If you think and tell everyone that the baby is constantly sick, it will be difficult for him to communicate with peers, it will be difficult to study, etc., then it will be so.

Other helpful tips from the expert on how to talk to a child correctly, you can find in book by Julia Gippenreiter "Communicate with a child. How?" , which you can download for free on the page Present.

And that is not all.

that ALL of the above is true of a wife or husband.

If you constantly characterize the second half, then this is exactly what he / she will be for you.

Therefore, before swearing, think about whether it is worth even in anger to use words that will bring favor, not harm?

And next time we will talk about the importance of regular rest.

We don't have kids yet, but thanks for the tips. I think it will come in handy in the future.

In November, the wife will appear, I will experiment on her)

))) Experiment

Ritul, responded promptly, thank you ??

And now about the sad. Gippenreiter and Levi counted up and down. I try to use what I read to my advantage in conversations with the child. But! I am terribly emotional, and sometimes I can not restrain myself. All methods of calming (situational) do not want to work for me. Therefore, most often I silently turn around and go to the side, into the zone of inaccessibility, so to speak, for 10 minutes. I come to my senses and then I try to talk. And yet there are emotional outbursts. That's why I'm constantly working on myself. I hope the result will come soon. Thanks Ritul for the tips

My husband and I studied at special courses on raising children 4 years ago and are still constantly learning to speak correctly. It's very hard, but possible.

Try and everything will work out!

Julia, although I am outwardly restrained, it is also difficult sometimes to resist emotions. For several years I learned to change words. And to hear when others say to children that it will come into their heads.

The way to calm down before saying anything is very good!

With children, you constantly have to work on yourself. They don't let you relax.

Elena! Thanks for support! Sometimes it's not easy - that's for sure! ??

***So talk about it the way you would like it to be in the future.***

- Dear Alexander Alexandrovich, you, as the future mayor of this city, must clean your room immediately!

Also an option. But it is not a fact that Alexander Alexandrovich wants to become mayor when he grows up.

But it's still better than predicting an unfortunate future. ??

Yes, it is true that practice is much more difficult than theory.

It seems that I know all this, but no, no, yes, I’ll say something.

But it is still useful to know the theory, then you can gradually minimize errors and shortcomings. ??

I don’t have children yet, but I thought about how to raise them ... This is a difficult thing, I want to tell you. I read that up to 3 years the foundation of the future personality is laid - and the rest of the time - it only changes slightly.

And some believe that "the child is still small, he does not understand anything."

This thing is complicated, especially in our modern world, which is in no way aimed at educating a free and full-fledged personality. But good, from all dependent workers to the plant - that's welcome.

No matter how you turn it, you can’t get only one influence of parents. A lot of environmental factors are added.

I think that children should not only be scolded, but motivated and “provoked” to “feats”. Because scolding usually does not lead to anything, only to negativity, but teach a child to “fish”, make it a hobby, and the job is done.

Very true, I agree 100%! thanks again))

Everyone understands that scolding is useless, but when emotions take over, and this often happens in relationships with children, then the whole “mind” evaporates .. ??

Please!

Margarita, do you have children?

Margaret, very important. And yet such prohibitions in themselves cause negative. Margarita, I propose the exchange of mini-reviews on the day of the blogger on August 31. How do you see this offer?

Don't mind at all, Lyudmila!

Margarita, I often think a lot about how to talk and what to say to my eldest son. A lot of copies were broken on this topic in my husband. But now I have the most important problem, how to convey the essence of your article to my son's teacher. And this makes me very sad, because I don’t know how to explain to an adult that you need to communicate respectfully with a child ((

I hope you don't mind that I switched to you.

And Gippenreiter's book changed me as a mother. I first met this author in the program "School of Scandal" and I am very glad that I found out about her. I also have a book that you recommend and her subsequent books about children. So I wholeheartedly agree with your recommendations!

No, not against "you". ?? It is sad when there are such teachers, and even sadder that they are in the majority. The teacher must be by vocation, then it will not be difficult for him. And to re-educate ... in my opinion is unrealistic. ((

Thank you Tanya for your support!

It's not just about prefixes that negatively affect the child. Many parents, for reasons I don't understand, try to humiliate their child. Just an example, a child has unlimited possibilities, he believes in his strength, in himself. And a mother with a child walks down the street, the child sees a good and expensive car. HE says: “When I grow up, I will buy myself the same one.” The child believes in it, and there is a very high probability that he will buy it. But here, a vile, mocking phrase from the mother: "You will never make money on such a car." Everything, this remains in the subconscious of the child, he ceases to believe in himself, but his mother said that she is smart and knows everything, complexes appear. This is how we spoil our children.

Yes, the worldview of parents has a direct impact on the worldview of children.

Since childhood, our dreams have been stolen from us ...

What a smart girl you are! In order to realize all these truths, I had to visit a psychotherapist with my son. But now the child is unrecognizable - his eyes shine with happiness.

Happy eyes are the best reward!

But there are many different issues in education. And I would talk to a good psychologist and psychotherapist, but where can I find him?

Great site! Learned a lot.)

Good luck in business.

In the morning anxiety and fear ...

I prayed often, repenting of something ...

Grandma rushed around for a reason,

Her beloved grandson asked -

"Pray and repent!" - and grandma

She was baptized at the same time in response.

But at last the secret is revealed

What pestered beloved ... inside.

Coming home from work, baby mom,

She said to her mother:

“Children have a special language.

In vain were ah-ah.

He pestered - another one ...

"Pray and Repent" from him

Favorite cartoon of all

"Kid and Carlson" - translation!

More often I would come to my grandson,

Then everything would fall into place.”

Lots of good, helpful tips. I agree with the author, the child should be encouraged. As for men, they are like little children, the more you praise, the better they become.

Helpful article and good advice. But it’s so hard to resist and not say nasty things, sometimes, unfortunately, I break down. I reproach myself for this, because I know that the wrong approach.

I will keep myself in tight rein, I myself remember how insulting it is when your mother calls you a club-headed cow))

undoubtedly many of our words, especially not very pleasant ones, can affect the self-esteem of the baby. It is all the more important from infancy to show friendliness in conversation with babies. Only a mother's understanding of her baby can make him happy. By the way, there is an interesting article on http://ledyolga.ru/o-detyax/kak-govorit-s-mladencami/ that will surely interest mothers of very tiny babies.

Elena, I also agree with you)

Anna, it's not easy, of course, everyone breaks down. You need to accept yourself as you are and strive for the best.

Yu. B. Gippenreiter “We are talking with a child. How?: how to communicate with a child

Many parents are familiar with Julia Gippenreiter's book Communicating with a Child. How? ". Its author is a professor at Moscow State University, a scientist and teacher. In her handbook for new parents, she simply spoke beautifully about the problems between generations, as well as ways to solve them.

Book by Julia Gippenreiter, Professor of Psychology, “We talk with a child. How? ”will be relevant both for newly minted moms and dads, and for those who have taken place. Basically, most of the problems occur at the time when children enter adolescence.

Or vice versa - they make too much effort, warning and protecting the child from life's worries. A newborn, and then an infant, speaks only their own language. He smiles, gurgles, reacts to the conversations of adults from birth.

The book is written in the form of lectures: there are both lessons and homework. It has a lot of tips, as well as ready-made techniques. A big plus is that the author does not talk on his own behalf about the arrangement of the world, does not resort to emotional attacks, because many other manuals have this drawback. There are also many points in the book that push parents to what they themselves knew, but did not apply.

It is also attractive that there are no generalizations and a lot of practical advice. Various disputable situations are considered in detail, and after their "parsing on the shelves" the reader literally wants to put the recommendations into practice. There are a lot of examples of various situations and almost every mom or dad will be able to get the information they need.

Very often there is a misunderstanding. Why does a child speak very rudely with parents, does not make contact, does not do what adults consider necessary? The answers to these questions are in the first edition of Communicating with a Child. How?".

The author focuses on the fact that the baby needs to be loved not for something, but just like that. He may not behave the way his parents want, he has his own concepts of the world around him, his opinion does not coincide with adults.

But if mom and dad love him, then they should accept him for who he is, and not for beauty, intelligence and success. Attention is also paid to such a burning issue as punishment for a wrong deed. The author makes it clear: in no case should you tell the baby that he is bad. It is an act that is bad, which means it cannot be repeated.

An entire chapter of the book is devoted to development through helping adults. Sometimes for the crumbs to become one of those who need his help. As often as possible, say "let's do it together".

Attention is given to the tone of communication. As a rule, adults always give guidelines that limit the freedom of action and are the cause for the creation of conflict situations. Both newborns and older children should be treated in a friendly, cheerful, affectionate way.

It also tells about the conflicts of generations, provoking factors, constructive and non-constructive methods of solution.

The author talks on the pages of the book about responsibility, its necessity and importance. Adults should gradually remove certain worries from themselves and transfer responsibility for them to babies. Be sure to allow them to face the negative consequences of their actions and deeds, because any person becomes more conscious, having received personal experience.

As already mentioned, you need to communicate with the baby correctly from birth. Mom should repeat the humming after him. Despite the fact that the baby is still quite tiny, he understands such sounds well, they hear him, and he is not alone. This will allow you to develop your child well emotionally and prevent many problems in the future.

When the baby is already a little older, the mother is at the level of his eyes, you can say "on the same wavelength". Then the children see that their parents are close people who hear them. Such crumbs absorb impressions like a sponge, they always want to contact, so any little things are important in communicating with them.

It is worth noting that communication with infants up to a year should be constantly improved. For example, with babies aged 2-3 months, you need to speak affectionately, in a cheerful tone, but at the same time you need to develop skills through speech.

At this time, the baby begins to listen to his cooing and the conversations of others. From 3 to 6 months - repeat the sounds he has learned after the child. He will follow the movements of the mouth and face. In the period from 6 to 9 months, the baby masters associative skills, for example, he can wave his pen to say “goodbye”.

How to talk with a child when he reaches 9 months? At this age, he can already pronounce letters, syllables and even whole words, answer simple questions. You need to teach him to repeat after an adult.

In this lesson, Yulia Borisovna teaches parents: “actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he just told, indicating his feeling”. It is worth noting that this technique can be used both for very young toddlers, and for teenagers, and even for adults.

Possession of this technique allows children to adopt the parental manner of communication and teach them to actively listen to adults. In addition, the author claims that such a technique transforms the parents themselves.

The problem of parents' feelings is also touched upon. Adults, of course, get tired, get sick, just feel bad and cannot adequately answer the baby. In such situations, the "I - messages" technique is used. How to talk to a child in this case?

An adult should honestly talk about his experiences and feelings that are caused by the behavior of the baby. For example, when mom has a headache and he makes noise, you need to say that at other times she would have reacted to the noise, but now she feels bad, and he should be quieter. It is important to focus on yourself and your feelings, and not on the behavior of the child or himself.

The requirements of parents should not contradict the most important needs of babies, for example, physical activity. Also, adults must agree on restrictions among themselves so that it does not happen that mom forbids, and dad allows the same thing.

Again, emphasis is placed on the tone of communication. How can you not talk to a child? Prohibitions should not be communicated in an imperative tone, a friendly and explanatory one is quite suitable.

In addition, the moment of punishment is also described. The author recommends, as such, depriving something good, rather than treating it roughly.

Julia Gippenreiter tries to introduce the basics of child psychology, telling what the baby learns from the words of others. Whatever he does, his success must be recognized.

You can sum it up. To avoid conflict situations, you need:

Accept and love as he is;
Actively listen, paying attention to experiences, even if he is still small and speaks his own language - cooing;
Do not interfere in things that he can do on his own, without the help of others;
Spend quality time together, giving preference to activities that the baby likes. Both active games and intellectual entertainment should be present;
Help if he asks;
Share your feelings;
Encourage and support success;
Make an effort to resolve conflicts in a constructive way.

The second book by Yu. B. Gippenreiter focuses on the need for mutual understanding, and also reveals different ways and methods of education, answers current questions.

In addition, some moments of the childhood of famous personalities are described here, for example, Isadora Duncan, Marina Tsvetaeva, Charlie Chaplin, Niccolò Paganini and others. Books by Yu. B. Gippenreiter are useful for future and present parents. They will help create harmonious relationships.

How to talk to a small child: 3 important principles

A real discovery of the turn of the century was a study by developmental psychologists from the University of Kansas (USA) Betty Hart and Todd Risley that predetermine a person's achievements not by innate abilities, not by the economic situation of the family, not by race and not by gender, but the number of words with which others address him in the first years of life 1 .

It is useless to sit a child in front of a TV or turn on an audiobook for several hours: communication with an adult is of fundamental importance. Of course, saying "stop" thirty million times will not help a child grow into a smart, productive, and emotionally stable adult. It is important that this communication be meaningful, and speech complex and varied.

Without interaction with others, the ability to learn weakens. “Unlike a jug, which will store whatever you pour into it, the brain without feedback is more like a sieve, - Dana Suskind notes. - Language cannot be learned passively, but only with the help of the response (preferably positive) reaction of others and social interaction.

Dr. Suskind summarized the latest research in the field of early development and developed a parent-child communication program that will contribute to the best development of the child's brain. Her strategy consists of three principles: tune in to the child, communicate with him more often, develop a dialogue.

We are talking about the conscious desire of the parent to notice everything that interests the baby and talk to him about this topic. In other words, you need look in the same direction as the child.

Pay attention to his work. For example, a well-intentioned adult sits on the floor with a child's favorite book and invites him to listen. But the child does not react, continuing to build a tower of blocks scattered on the floor. Parents call again: “Come here, sit down. Look what an interesting book. Now I'm reading to you."

Everything seems to be fine, right? Loving adult book. What else does a child need? Perhaps only one thing: the attention of parents to the occupation in which the child himself is currently interested.

To tune in to a child means pay close attention to what he does. and get involved in its activities. This strengthens the contact and helps to improve the skills involved in the game, and through verbal interaction, to develop his brain.

The child can only focus on what interests him

The fact is that the child can only focus on what interests him. If you try to switch his attention to another activity, the brain has to expend a lot of extra energy. In particular, studies have shown that if a child has to participate in an activity that interests him little, he is unlikely to remember the words used at that time 2 .

Be on the same level as your child. Sit on the floor with him while playing, hold him on your lap while reading, sit at the same table while eating, or lift your baby up so that he looks at the world from the height of your height.

Simplify your speech. Just as babies attract attention with sounds, so parents lure them in by changing the tone or volume of their voice. Lisping also helps children's brains learn language. A recent study found that two-year-olds who were lisped to between the ages of 11 and 14 months knew twice as many words as those who were spoken to "in an adult way."

Simple, recognizable words quickly draw the child's attention to what is being said and who is speaking, encouraging him to strain his attention, get involved and communicate. It has been experimentally proven that children “learn” the words they hear more often and listen longer to the sounds they heard before.

Say out loud everything you do. Such