How to understand that this is not love? Love: what is this feeling? What love is like Emotional addiction to a person

30.10.2019

Or just affection?

Almost all of us have friends who jump from relationship to relationship, and each time they claim that they "absolutely and unconditionally love."

For those of us who have had a non-relationship period longer than the duration of several of their relationships put together, it’s not at all clear how anyone could “love” so many people at once.

I mean, let's be honest. Is not . This is the fear of being alone. Is that so?
Yes and no. It's all about how we feel.

But what if our feelings are deceiving us? What if we’re just so damn scared of loneliness, so anyone who gives us the slightest sense of security and comfort immediately passes for a soul mate?

Do you know that insight when, after a few months after breaking up, it becomes difficult to believe that you even said these three magic words to someone with whom today you would not even want to just be around?

And it’s impossible to understand how I could love someone so ridiculous? Someone so inappropriate? So superficial?

Well, it just wasn't love. It was affection.

I don’t know for sure if your love is real or if it’s a relationship for the sake of a relationship, but I can show you a few common indicators. These are the nuances that can be pointed out to a friend when it seems that he or she is getting too attached to a person from the "one night stand" category.

Because you probably would not want to attend a wedding where one of the newlyweds would say, "just he / she is always there" as a reason for the event. And if you doubt the motives of your own love, also go over these 6 points to determine if your efforts are worth the time invested.

Love is passion; attachment - indifference

Here we are talking about separation behavior. They say that the closest feeling to love is the feeling of hatred, which is why after the breakup, all that beautiful, sincere love turns into rage and ardent, unaccountable hatred.

When you are simply attached to a person, you are never so angry. Anxiety or irritation will overwhelm you, but these anxious feelings will not lead you to something as powerful and meaningful as real hatred.

Love is unconditional; attachment is self-centered

When you love, all your thoughts are dedicated to this person. For the first time in your life, someone's needs become greater than yours.

The only reason you're buying a new bed is because you now have someone to share it with. Everything you do for your partner is geared a little towards your satisfaction as well.

Love is hard; attachment is difficult only when you are not together

In true love, everything is not easy. You think it should be easy because love is so pure and beautiful, but anything significant and life-changing takes effort. You must contribute to the growth and strengthening of the relationship.

As far as attachment is concerned, there is nothing to cultivate. All attention is focused only on how often you can see each other during the week.

You need this person as much as you need help. This relationship does not grow, blossom, or take on other forms. As with the effect of the drug, the "arrival" is short-lived, and sooner or later it will "release" you.

Love is freedom; attachment is a prison

When you are in love, you don’t have to keep a constant eye on the person to feel safe. You don't need to be around the person to understand how they are feeling. You will never doubt the reciprocal love of this person and will not suffer from jealousy.

When you are attached, you do not have a real understanding of the feelings of your partner, because you are able to be normal only in his immediate presence. When you are not together, you cannot get rid of the obsession with how and with whom he / she can spend time.

If that person is also only attached to you, does this not mean that, by and large, it does not matter to him whom to attach to?

Love expands boundaries; affection - pushes into the frame

Nothing in this life can instill such a feeling of one's own omnipotence as true love. She gives a completely new understanding of freedom, renews and energizes. You are alive - and ready to conquer the world.

Attachment turns into a banal power struggle. You constantly need confirmation of your worth. You should have everything under control and a kind of "handcuffs keys" are always in your hands.

Love is eternal; affection is temporary

When you love - truly love - it is forever. Whether the relationship will develop or not, this person will forever remain the love of your whole life.

It won't work with attachment. Affection has a shelf life and separation is only a matter of time. Affection is fake; it is like being oblivious compared to sincere love.

Someday one of the partners in such a pair may meet his own and all this affection will dissipate as quickly as it once formed.

True love cannot be weakened, it stays with us forever.

They say that unhappy love does not exist, they say, this feeling is so wonderful that it simply cannot make a person unhappy. It sounds, of course, inspiring, but those who have ever encountered unrequited love will agree - there is nothing remarkable about it. When you dream about a person for days, imagine yourself in his arms, and he doesn't even want to think about that, there is no time for fun. I would like to get rid of obsessive thoughts, but not everyone succeeds.

Some psychologists argue that we ourselves choose our reality. If we are ready to love and be loved, then we get a mutual feeling. Those of us who love unrequitedly, in fact, do not want a relationship, they like to suffer, worry and feel “not like everyone else”, special. It is difficult to admit that you experience pleasure from pain, not from physical pain (otherwise it would be a completely different article), but from moral. That is why we do not admit, but subconsciously choose as partners those who either do not want to respond to our feeling, or, having answered, leaves us.

No matter how strong the feeling may be, it can fade if you do not warm it up.

Whether this is really so is difficult to say. However, even with the existence of different points of view on unrequited love, experts agree: this feeling can hardly be called love, rather, it is a dependence, and quite strong. We have known for a long time that love needs constant nourishment. It is difficult for her to exist without dates, hugs, kisses and other manifestations of tender feelings. Even couples living at a distance from each other try to call up as often as possible in order to hear their beloved voice, find the time and opportunity to meet, because otherwise love will "die out." No matter how strong the feeling may be, it can fade if you do not warm it up.

What do we have when we talk about unrequited love? One (in our case, a man) shows with his whole appearance a firm "no", and a woman loves, suffers and experiences, and her feeling lives on despite the fact that there is no response from the beloved, no return - absolutely nothing. Agree that this is very similar to a strong psychological dependence. However, it also happens that girls do not fall in love with a specific person (and become dependent not on him), but in an image that they themselves have created in their head. “He is gentle, kind, noble, we will have a big house, three children and two dogs,” she dreams, while the “knight” drags behind each skirt, spends all night in clubs and laughs at peers who are thinking about family. The desire to love (but not love) obscures her eyes, and the girl does not notice that the prince is not at all royal blood.

Do you want to be addicted to someone? From someone who doesn't give a damn about you, who doesn't even think about your feelings and can calmly appear in front of you in the company of another woman? If you realize the complexity of your situation and you are already tired of crying, pouring tears on your pillow and missing all the most interesting things in life, then let's figure out how to control yourself and get out of your head a person who, to be honest, does not belong there.

How to get rid of unrequited love?

First, it is necessary admit to yourself that you are not loved and will not love. The whole problem is that you still comfort yourself with hopes for a bright joint future with this person. No matter how cynical it may sound, but no - this future will not exist. Miracles, of course, do happen, but tell me - is it a miracle that at last you will be visited by someone who didn’t give a damn about your feelings yesterday?

Secondly, love yourself. It seems that because of this blind love-addiction, you completely forgot about yourself. Well, tell me - will a true lady, confident that she "found herself not in the trash heap," suffer because of a man who turns his nose up at her? On one of the forums dedicated to the topic of unrequited love, we found an interesting saying: “There is no happiness in suffering. You don't love yourself very much if you voluntarily choose pain and experiences. " But this is really so.

Thirdly, find a new "drug". If you like to be dependent on someone or on something (although you should still turn to a psychologist with a similar passion), switch your attention to something that will capture you completely and completely, but at the same time will only bring happiness. It is not necessary to find a new object for sighing, you can just pay more attention to your favorite hobby. It would seem that we almost always advise you to immerse yourself in some kind of hobby, as the saying goes: seven troubles - one answer. But it really works: when you are busy with something, you have less time for silly thoughts and feelings.

Surely you are puzzling over the question: “What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me? "

Fourth, take care of yourself. Surely you are puzzling over the question: “What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me? " And then you find a lot of shortcomings for which you are "not loved". If you don't like something about yourself, then why not fix it? Only with some reservations. First: you do it not for him, but for yourself (we decided that you do not need him). And second: we will restrict ourselves to a gym and a beauty salon, you should not go under the knife of a plastic surgeon. Ask: “What is all this for? After all, I will not be with him anyway ... "And just in order not to be with him, but to stay in tune with yourself and so that the next time the man does not pay attention to you, you do not look for a lot of shortcomings in yourself, and smiled at him and mentally replied: "What a fool."

Action, activity. Here we come to another serious misunderstanding about love that should be carefully considered. Love is not a feeling. Many people who experience a feeling of love and even act under the dictation of this feeling actually commit acts of non-love and destruction. On the other hand, a truly loving person often takes loving and constructive actions in relation to a person who is clearly not sympathetic to him, for whom at that moment he feels not love, but rather disgust.

The feeling of love is the emotion that accompanies the experience of cathexis. Recall, cathexis is an event or process as a result of which an object becomes important to us. We begin to invest our energy in this object ("object of love" or "object of love"), as if it became a part of ourselves; this connection between us and the object we also call cathexis. We can talk about many cathexes if we have many such connections at the same time. The process of stopping the supply of energy to the object of love, as a result of which it loses its meaning for us, is called decatexis.

First of all, as already noted, we can experience cathexis in relation to any object - living and inanimate, animate and inanimate. So, someone can feel cathexis for the stock exchange or jewelry, can feel love for them. Secondly, if we experience cathexis for another human being, this does not mean at all that we are in any way interested in his spiritual development. The addicted person is almost always afraid of the spiritual development of his own spouse, to whom she nourishes cathexis. The mother, who persistently drove her son to school and back, undoubtedly feels cathexis towards the boy: he was important to her - he, but not his spiritual growth. Third, the intensity of our cathexes usually has nothing to do with wisdom or devotion. Two people can meet in a bar, and the mutual cathexis will be so strong that no previous appointments, promises made, even peace and quiet in the family can compare in importance - for a while - with the experience of sexual pleasure. Finally, our cathexis are fragile and fleeting. The mentioned couple, having experienced sexual pleasure, may immediately find that the partner is unattractive and undesirable. Decatexis can be as fast as cathexis.

True love, on the other hand, means commitment and effective wisdom. If we are interested in someone's spiritual development, then we understand that the lack of commitment will most likely be painful for that person and that commitment to him is necessary first of all for ourselves in order to show our interest more effectively. For the same reason, commitment is the cornerstone of psychotherapy. It is almost impossible to achieve significant spiritual growth in a patient if the therapist fails to enter into a "healing alliance" with him.

In other words, before a patient dares to make major changes, he must feel confident and strong, which means that he must not doubt that the doctor is his constant and reliable ally.

For an alliance to occur, the physician must demonstrate to the patient, usually over a significant period, consistent and even concern, and this is only possible when the physician is able to be committed and committed. This does not mean that the doctor always enjoys listening to the patient. The obligation is that the doctor, whether he likes it or not, listens to the patient at all times. Just like in family life: in a healthy family, as in therapy work, partners should pay attention to each other regularly, daily and deliberately, regardless of how they feel. As mentioned above, love among married couples sooner or later disappears; and it is at this moment, when the copulation instinct completes its mission, that the possibility of true love appears. It is when the spouses no longer want to be with each other continuously, when from time to time they want to be apart, the test of their love begins and it turns out whether this love exists or not.

If there is love, then cathexis and love feelings may also exist, but they may not exist. Of course, it is easier - even joyful - to love with cathexis and with a feeling of love. But one can love even without cathexis and loving feelings: it is precisely by the realization of such a possibility that true love differs from simple cathexis.

The key word for distinction is will. I have defined love as the will to expand my own self in order to nourish the spiritual growth of another person or my own. True love is predominantly volitional, not emotional work. The person who truly loves does this because of the decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving, regardless of whether the feeling of love is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it is not there, then the determination to love, the will to love still remains and acts. Conversely, for a lover is not only possible, but also necessary to avoid actions under the influence of any feelings... I can meet an extremely attractive woman and have a feeling of love for her, but since a love affair can destroy my family, I will say to myself out loud or in the silence of my soul: "It seems that I am ready to love you, but I will not allow myself to do this." Likewise, I refuse to take on a new patient who is more attractive and seemingly promising in terms of treatment, because my time is already devoted to other patients, some of whom are less attractive and more difficult.

My feelings of love may be inexhaustible, but my ability to be loving is limited. Therefore, I must choose a person on whom I will focus my ability to love, to whom I will direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling overwhelming us; it is a binding, deliberate decision.

This general tendency to confuse love with feelings of love allows people to deceive themselves in all sorts of ways. A drunken husband, whose family is in need of his attention and help at the moment, sits in a bar and, with tears in his eyes, says to the bartender: "I really love my family!" People who grossly neglect their own children often consider themselves the most loving of parents. It is quite obvious that in this tendency to mix love with the feeling of love lies a certain selfish background: it’s so easy and beautiful to see the confirmation of love in your own feelings. And looking for this confirmation in your own actions is difficult and unpleasant. But since true love is an act of will that often transcends the ephemeral feelings of love, or cathexis, it would be more correct to say: " insofar as it acts"Love and dislike, like good and evil, are objective categories, not purely subjective ones.

We can now see the essential component that makes psychotherapy effective and successful. It is not "definitely positive attitude", not magic words, techniques, or gestures; it is human involvement and struggle. This is the doctor's will and willingness to expand his I for the sake of nourishing the patient's spiritual growth, the willingness to take risks, sincerely get involved on an emotional level in a relationship, sincerely fight with the patient and with himself. In short, an essential ingredient in successful, deep, meaningful psychotherapy is love.

Characteristically - and almost incredibly, the vast Western professional literature on psychotherapy ignores the problem of love. Indian gurus often speak simply and without ceremony that love is the source of their strength. The closest approach to this question comes from those Western writers who attempt to analyze the differences between "successful" and "unsuccessful" psychotherapists; Usually, the characteristics of successful doctors include words such as "warmth" and "empathy". But more often than not, the question of love confuses us. There are a number of reasons for this. One is the confusion between the notions of true love and the romantic love that has permeated our culture so much, as well as the other confusion discussed in this chapter.

Another reason is that "scientific medicine" is prone to everything tangible, rational, measurable, while psychotherapy as a profession was formed largely outside of "scientific medicine".

Since love is an intangible, immeasurable and super-rational phenomenon, it defies scientific analysis.

Another reason is the strength of the psychoanalytic tradition in psychiatry; these traditions, with their ideal of the cold, aloof psychoanalyst, lie not so much on Freud's conscience as on his followers. According to these traditions, any feeling of love that a patient has for a doctor is usually labeled as "transference", as well as any feeling of love a doctor has for a patient is "countertransference"; of course, both of these feelings are considered an anomaly, part of the problem, not the solution, and must be avoided.

This is completely absurd. Transference, as mentioned in the previous chapter, refers to unacceptable feelings, perceptions and reactions. There is nothing unacceptable in the fact that patients begin to love a doctor who sincerely listens to them hour after hour and does not judge them, but perceives them as they are, as probably no one has perceived them before; he does not use them for his own purposes, and he relieves their suffering. In practice, the content of the transference in many cases is such that it prevents the patient from developing a loving relationship with the doctor, and then the treatment consists of overcoming the transference so that the patient can experience a successful loving relationship, often for the first time in his life.

Likewise, it is not unacceptable for the doctor to develop a feeling of love for the patient when the patient submits to the discipline of psychotherapy, takes part in treatment, willingly learns from the doctor, and through this relationship begins to develop successfully. Intensive psychotherapy is in many ways reminiscent of renewing parenting with a child. The therapist's feeling of love for the patient is just as acceptable as the feeling of love for a child by a good parent. Moreover, from the point of view of successful treatment, the doctor's love for the patient is beneficial, and if success comes, then the treatment relationship becomes mutually loving. And the doctor will inevitably experience a loving feeling that coincides with the genuine love that he showed towards the patient.

In most cases, mental illness is caused by the absence or defect of love that a particular child needs from his particular parents for successful growth and spiritual development. Thus, it is obvious that in order to heal with the help of psychotherapy, the patient must receive from the psychotherapist at least some of the true love that he was deprived of in childhood. If the therapist cannot truly love the patient, the treatment will fail. No amount of training and no degree of psychotherapy will help if he cannot expand his soul through love for the patient; the overall results of the practice of such a psychotherapist will be low. Conversely, an unlicensed, lay doctor with minimal training, but with an enormous capacity to love, achieves the same high results as the best psychiatrists.

Since love and sex are closely intertwined and interrelated, it will be appropriate here to briefly touch on the problem of sexual relations between psychotherapists and their patients - a problem that nowadays often attracts close attention of the press. In view of the necessary loving and intimate nature of the psychotherapeutic process, strong - or extremely strong - mutual sexual desires naturally and inevitably arise between patients and doctors. The urge to sexually complete such drives can be overwhelming. I suspect that some professional psychiatrists who throw stones at a therapist who has had sexual intercourse with a patient may not themselves be loving doctors and cannot truly understand this colossal craving. I’ll say more: if I had a situation where, after careful and sound reflection, I came to the conclusion that a sexual relationship with a patient would be essentially beneficial for her spiritual growth, I would decide on this relationship. For fifteen years of practice, however, I have not had such a case, and I have a poor idea of how it could actually arise. First of all, as I said, the role of a good doctor is analogous to that of a good parent, and good parents do not allow sexual intercourse with their children for a number of very important reasons. The point of a parent's job is to benefit the child, not to use the child for personal satisfaction. The point of a doctor's job is to benefit the patient, not to use the patient to his advantage.

The task of the parent is to support the child on the path to independence; the physician's task in relation to the patient is the same. It is difficult to imagine how a doctor who had sexual intercourse with a patient (patient) would not use the patient to satisfy his own needs or how he would contribute to the independence of the patient.

Many patients, especially those of seductive appearance, develop a sexualized nature of attachment to one of the parents from childhood, which undoubtedly hinders the freedom and development of the child. Both theory and the few practical facts available to us support that the sexual relationship between the doctor and the patient is likely to reinforce the patient's immature attachments rather than weaken them. Even if the relationship is not sexually completed, the "falling in love" between doctor and patient is destructive because, as we have seen, falling in love entails a narrowing of the boundaries of the ego and a weakening of the normal sense of separateness between individuals.

A doctor who has fallen in love with a patient, apparently, cannot be objective in relation to him, the patient, needs or separate these needs from his own. It is out of love for their patients that doctors do not allow themselves the pleasure of falling in love with them. Since true love requires respect for the individual loved one, a truly loving physician recognizes and accepts that the patient's life path is - and should be - separate from that of the physician. For some doctors, this means that their paths should never, except for treatment time, intersect with the paths of patients.

We have already discussed the assertion that psychotherapy can be - and should be, when it comes to successful psychotherapy - a process of true love. In traditional psychiatric circles, this view is somewhat heretical. The other side of this coin is no less heretical: if psychotherapy is a process of true love, is love always therapeutic? If we truly love our spouses, parents, children, friends, if we expand our selves to nourish their spiritual growth, does this mean that we are doing psychotherapy for them?

My answer is: definitely.

From time to time I hear over a cocktail: "It must be difficult for you, Mr. Peck, to separate your social life from your professional one. After all, you can't just do all the time analyzing your family and friends?" Usually, such an interlocutor just maintains a boring conversation; he is not interested in a serious answer and is not ready to accept it.

But sometimes the situation gives me the opportunity to conduct a lesson or a practical lesson in psychotherapy right on the spot, explaining why I do not even try and do not want to try to separate my professional life from my personal. If I notice that my wife or children, parents or friends are suffering from illusions, falsehood, ignorance, unnecessary complications, I will definitely do my best to expand, extend myself to them and, as far as possible, correct the situation, exactly like this the same as I do for my patients for money.

Can I deny my wisdom, my services and love to my own family and friends on the grounds that they have not signed a contract and are not paying my attention to their psychological problems? Of course not. How can I be a good friend, father, spouse or son if I do not use all the opportunities and my professional skills to teach the people I know and give them all possible help in the spiritual development of each of them? In addition, I look forward to the same reciprocal help from friends and family, within their capabilities. I have learned many useful things from the children, although their criticism is at times unjustifiably harsh, and the teachings are not as profound as the adults.

My wife guides me as much as I guide her. My friends would not be my friends if they kept from me their disapproval or love interest for the wisdom and reliability of my path. Could I develop faster without their help? Any truly loving relationship is mutual psychotherapy.

My views on these things have not always been like this. I used to value my wife’s admiration more than her criticism, and I did as much to strengthen my wife’s dependence as I did to strengthen her strength. I considered it the task of my father and husband to provide for the family: I brought home a good income, and this was where my responsibility ended. I wanted the home to be a citadel of comfort, not a challenge. In those days, I would agree with the idea that practicing psychotherapy with friends and family is dangerous, unethical, and destructive. But this agreement would be dictated by my laziness, no less than by the fear of misusing the profession. For psychotherapy, like love, is work, and working eight hours a day is easier than sixteen. It is also easier to love a person who seeks your wisdom, comes to you to receive it, pays for your attention and receives it within exactly fifty minutes - all this is easier than loving someone who considers your attention as his right, whose requests can be unlimited, for whom you are not at all power or authority, and your teachings are not of interest. Psychotherapy at home or with friends is just as intense as in the treatment room, but the conditions are much less favorable; in other words, it takes even more effort and love at home.

I hope that other psychotherapists will not take these words as a call to immediately begin psychotherapy with spouses and children. If a person continues the path of spiritual growth, his ability to love increases continuously. But it always remains limited, and the doctor should not undertake psychotherapy beyond this capacity: psychotherapy without love will be unsuccessful and even harmful. If you can love six hours a day, be content with this opportunity for now - it already exceeds the ability of most people. The journey will be long and it will take time to increase your ability. Practicing psychotherapy with friends and family and loving each other all the time is an ideal, a goal worth striving for, but not immediately achieved.

As I have already noted, the lay physician can successfully practice psychotherapy without much training if he is capable of true love; therefore, my remarks about the practice of psychotherapy with friends and with my own family apply not only to professionals, but to all people in general.

Sometimes patients ask me when they can finish their treatment; I answer: "Then when you yourself become good psychotherapists." This answer is most appropriate in the case of group treatment, where patients themselves have the opportunity to practice psychotherapy on each other and in case of failure to listen to frank criticism. Many patients do not like this answer, and they usually say: “This is too much work. To do it, I have to think about my relationships with people all the time. I don’t want to think so much. I don’t want to work hard. I just want to be happy. ".

Patients often respond to me in this way when I tell them that all human interactions represent opportunities to learn or teach (that is, receive or give treatment); these patients are unwilling to teach or learn and miss out on opportunities in interactions. Many people are absolutely right when they say that they do not want to strive for such a lofty goal and work so hard all their lives. Most patients, even with the most skillful and loving psychotherapists, end up at a level where their growth potential is far from being exhausted. They walked a short - and maybe a long - section along the path of spiritual development, but the whole path is beyond their strength. It seems too difficult to them; perhaps it is too difficult.

(Psychologist Marina Morozova)
How to overcome love addiction (part 1) ( Robin Norwood)
How to overcome love addiction (part 2) ( Robin Norwood)
Grow to love ( Anna Vospyanskaya)
About "this" - Orthodox ( Hegumen Valerian (Golovchenko))
Can you get married for love? ( Priest Iliya Shugaev)
Is a parental blessing necessary for marriage? ( Elena Chemekova, psychologist)
Why shouldn't you lose your virginity before marriage? ( Priest Iliya Shugaev)
Bride and groom. Betrothal. Wedding ( Archpriest Maxim Kozlov)

Our site contains four excerpts from the book by Morgan Scott Peck "UNBROWNED ROAD, a new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual development." The book is in our "Love, family, sex and about ..."

Morgan Scott Peck (05/22/1936 - 09/25/2005) - American psychiatrist, author of many best-selling books. He received his BA from Harvard University in Cambridge, Massachusetts, pursued medical research at Columbia University in New York, and received his medical degree from Case Western Resev University in Cleveland, Ohio. He served in the US Army and rose to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel. In the military, he was also a senior psychologist at the military medical center in Okinawa, Japan, and an assistant to the chief psychiatrist and neurologist in Washington.

Scott Peck took on a very unpleasant, dirty job: professionally, meticulously and ruthlessly to show people the healthy and sick parts of their soul. In every person there are two I's - sick and healthy. This ratio can be anything, and only very few are able to realize, let alone change it.

In a simple, generally accessible language, the author reveals the subtlest secrets of our everyday life, human relations. From typical case histories, he rises to the understanding of such fundamental concepts as love, grace, God. This road is open to every thinking person. But it is very difficult - and therefore abandoned. Not many people follow it.

LOVE IS NOT A FEELING

I have already said that love is an action, an activity. Here we come to another serious misunderstanding about love that should be carefully considered. Love is not a feeling. Many people who experience a feeling of love and even act under the dictation of this feeling actually commit acts of non-love and destruction. On the other hand, a truly loving person often takes loving and constructive actions in relation to a person who is clearly not sympathetic to him, for whom at that moment he feels not love, but rather disgust.

The misconception about love as a feeling arises from the fact that we confuse cathexis with love. This misconception is not difficult to understand, since we are talking about such processes; but there are still clear differences between them. First of all, as already noted, we can experience cathexis in relation to any object - living and inanimate, animate and inanimate. So, someone can feel cathexis for the stock exchange or jewelry, can feel love for them. Secondly, if we experience cathexis for another human being, this does not mean at all that we are in any way interested in his spiritual development. The addicted person is almost always afraid of the spiritual development of his own spouse, to whom she nourishes cathexis. The mother, who persistently drove her son to school and back, undoubtedly feels cathexis towards the boy: he was important to her - he, but not his spiritual growth. Third, the intensity of our cathexes usually has nothing to do with wisdom or devotion. Two people can meet in a bar, and the mutual cathexis will be so strong that no previous appointments, promises made, even peace and quiet in the family can compare in importance - for a while - with the experience of sexual pleasure. Finally, our cathexis are fragile and fleeting. The mentioned couple, having experienced sexual pleasure, may immediately find that the partner is unattractive and undesirable. Decatexis can be as fast as cathexis.

This does not mean that partners in stable, constructive relationships - for example, in intensive psychotherapy or in marriage - cannot experience cathexis towards each other and towards their relationships; they test it. But the point is that true love transcends cathexis. If there is love, then cathexis and love feelings may also exist, but they may not exist. Of course, it is easier - even joyful - to love with cathexis and with a feeling of love. But one can love even without cathexis and loving feelings: it is precisely by the realization of such a possibility that true love differs from simple cathexis.

The key word for distinction is will. I have defined love as the will to expand my own self in order to nourish the spiritual growth of another person or my own. True love is predominantly volitional, not emotional work. The person who truly loves does this because of the decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving, regardless of whether the feeling of love is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it is not there, then the determination to love, the will to love still remains and acts. Conversely, it is not only possible, but also necessary for a lover to avoid actions under the influence of any feelings. I can meet an extremely attractive woman and have a feeling of love for her, but since a love affair can destroy my family, I will say to myself out loud or in the silence of my soul: "It seems that I am ready to love you, but I will not allow myself to do this." Likewise, I refuse to take on a new patient who is more attractive and seemingly promising in terms of treatment, because my time is already devoted to other patients, some of whom are less attractive and more difficult. My feelings of love may be inexhaustible, but my ability to be loving is limited. Therefore, I must choose a person on whom I will focus my ability to love, to whom I will direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling overwhelming us; it is a binding, deliberate decision.

This general tendency to confuse love with feelings of love allows people to deceive themselves in all sorts of ways. A drunken husband, whose family is in need of his attention and help at the moment, sits in a bar and, with tears in his eyes, says to the bartender: "I really love my family!" People who grossly neglect their own children often consider themselves the most loving of parents. It is quite obvious that in this tendency to mix love with the feeling of love lies a certain selfish background: it’s so easy and beautiful to see the confirmation of love in your own feelings. And looking for this confirmation in your own actions is difficult and unpleasant. But since true love is an act of will, which often transcends the ephemeral feelings of love, or cathexis, it would be more correct to say: "Love is in so far as it works." Love and dislike, like good and evil, are objective categories, not purely subjective ones.

The word "love" is familiar to all of us. Even small children use it in their everyday life quite often. However, it turns out that not everyone understands the feeling that is hidden behind this word.

Love, what kind of feeling it is, and how it affects our life, can be viewed both from the point of view of science and from the point of view of an absolute concept accepted by humanity. However, many people have never thought about the meaning of this word at all. What kind of feeling is love and what its true motives are, know only a few, moreover, even for them it is difficult to describe in ordinary words.

At the very origins

In order to understand such a beautiful feeling as love, one should first of all turn to religion. After all, as you know, any society is based on faith, and in fact, it practically does not matter what they believe in. The Bible says that a feeling that can endure for a long time, not be proud, not think evil, cover everything and believe everything, is called "love." As a rule, this feeling arises towards people who are close relatives or spiritually. The Scriptures also indicate that such a relationship excludes any benefit. It turns out that, from the point of view of religion, this is a kind of virtue that excludes the possibility of using. Most likely, the majority of true believers agree with this definition and try to follow it. But is it so easy to love openly and unselfishly in our time?

Modern customs

Of course, it is possible that some people live by the rule “If you hit on the left cheek, you must substitute the right one”, but every day there are fewer and fewer of them. It follows from this that the modern world does not associate self-sacrifice with attraction. But really, what kind of feeling is love, that you need to humiliate yourself and feel offended?

Rather, on the contrary, a beautiful word that characterizes a feeling of attachment to another person evokes a feeling of warmth and lightness in the heart. Modern love is a feeling of affection, comfort, desire to please a person. Probably, the reference love can be safely called maternal. Many scientists believe that this type of attraction is the strongest in the world.

Such a different love

Love, what that feeling, and its varieties, has been studied by a Canadian sociologist John Alan Lee. He identified several types of relationships between men and women, namely:

Erotic love. From the name it becomes clear that such a feeling is based on partners for each other. Most often, this type is manifested by outbreaks and cannot last long. However, there are cases when erotic attraction lasted for years.
The game. This is the second type, which is characterized by contrived feelings. The relationship of such a married couple is more like an exciting game than love.
Gradualness. Most likely, this is one of the more durable types, since it is based on such a feeling as friendship. A long-term friendship develops into affection and an attraction arises that can last for years. But there is a catch here - too little passion.
Love mania. People are ruled by a feeling of passion, they do not notice anything around, except for the object to which this feeling is directed. As a rule, what is “love” and how it differs from simple passion, a person does not realize, the mania quickly passes and the relationship collapses.
Pragmatic feelings. In such a relationship, the partner clearly knows what he is looking for. He knows exactly what qualities the other half should have. A pragmatic attraction can last for years.
Love is the ideal. This is a long-term relationship based on trust, selflessness, and tolerance. These are the ideal feelings that many seek.

Great people "about love"

Since one can talk endlessly about the attraction of people, this feeling has been studied most of all in the field of philosophy and literature. Who, if not philosophers and poets, should study what love is. Dante Alighieri in his works described this feeling as a kind of force that is capable of setting the sun and the luminaries in motion.

Plato, in turn, studied love from the point of view of aesthetic perception. He interpreted it as falling in love with a beautiful body. From this teaching arose the concept of platonic love. It is a feeling based solely on spirituality that is devoid of any physical sensibility.

Love, what this feeling is, and how to recognize it, Albert Camus tried to understand. He once said that all people are subject to bouts of despair. He associated these states with the absence of one great love. All his life Camus was in search of the truth. His philosophical reasoning considers love from the point of view of true happiness. He believed that love should not bring a person anything but happiness.

Jealousy and love

As François de La Rochefoucauld said, there is more love for oneself in jealousy than for another. And, in fact, these words are not devoid of meaning. In modern society, it is generally accepted that jealousy is somehow associated with the concept of love. But is it really so? After all, first of all, love is trust in a partner, the absence of doubts in him. And jealousy is absolutely the opposite feeling, which suggests that a person does not trust his partner. The concept of jealousy in a love relationship can only be viewed from the point of view of property. Every person who loves would like all the attention of his half to be directed only to him.

Love from the point of view of Erich Fromm

In such a science as psychology, love is viewed from a slightly different angle. For example, E. Fromm studied what love is, what kind of feeling it is, and how it affects a person's life in terms of character traits. That is, he is able to love everyone, or no one. In other words, he believed that this feeling could be a character trait of a certain individual and set an attitude towards the world as a whole.

That is, love cannot be presented as a feeling for one person - if this happens, then it is most likely just selfishness. Love is light, according to Fromm, it warms everyone around.

Sternberg's theory

This theory considers love in three components - determination, passion and intimacy. Strenberg believed that without these components, feeling cannot exist. What is love like if it lacks passion or determination? A person who is truly in love with another, we will definitely decide in our intentions, he is aflame with passion and feels certain responsibilities before him. In addition, an important component of love is its object. For example, the object of a mother's love is her child. She cherishes him, brings up, loves, no matter what, but some circumstances can lead to a decrease in the feeling of love. They say that love forgives everything, but in fact it turns out that even this feeling has certain limits and can stop.

What is love in your own words

Of course, given that this feeling has a huge number of facets, everyone is able to feel it in their own way. Someone claims that when a person is in love, his heart often contracts, someone feels lightness in the diaphragm, or, on the contrary, a spasm. But after all, these feelings do not haunt people for a long time, and, most likely, arise only at the peak moment of the development of the situation.

It is very difficult to explain what love is in your own words to those who have never experienced this feeling. And those who have experienced do not always manage to understand: was it really love.

Love and closeness

Many philosophers and psychologists have argued for years about whether intimacy is necessary in a romantic relationship. Of course, everyone knows about the existence of platonic love, and this proves the fact that such a relationship is possible. But on the other hand, some scholars believe that it is just a myth and self-deception. As you know, when a person is in love, the desire for intimacy arises uncontrollably.

Unfortunately, in our time, closeness between two people does not at all mean that there is a feeling of love between them. Many people completely confuse sexual relations with this wonderful feeling. However, studying the concept of "love" in psychology, what it is and how it arises, we are once again convinced that, first of all, love is spiritual closeness. People should be drawn to each other not only physically, but also morally. They should be interested in together, they should have common goals and, of course, wonderful sex - only in this case love arises between them.