Make the right choice between two men. Whom to choose if you like both. Your own freedom

11.05.2019

A huge number of women do not suffer from loneliness, but, on the contrary, do not know whom to choose from among the many fans. If by reflection it was possible to single out two leaders, then it remains only to conduct a "duel" to determine the winner.

How to choose between two men?

Many ladies are quite normal about the fact that several men are caring for them at once. In most cases, the argument is this - one partner is not able to provide everything necessary for a happy life, and this applies to both moral and material aspects.

Even if such a situation is beneficial at a certain stage of life, then after a few years, when you want to start a family, you will have to make a choice. To make it clearer, let's consider two popular scenarios for the appearance of two contenders for the heart on the horizon.

The return of a former lover

A fairly common situation when a woman, after parting, began a new relationship and then suddenly her former lover knocks on the door again. In this case, a huge number of questions and doubts arise about who to choose: a man with whom many events and feelings are connected, or a new lover with whom the story is just beginning and everything is beautiful and promising. Note that if such a situation has arisen, it means that we can unequivocally say that the point in past relationships has not been set and feelings have not cooled down.

To understand for yourself who you need to choose, you should give yourself answers to some questions:

Because of what the breakup happened and what did not suit the former partner. It is important to understand, if nothing has changed and a similar situation will happen again, can you come to terms with it;
Is there a fear of opening up to a new person and building a new strong union? Keep in mind that often women are able to idealize past relationships, but if you try to remember everything like that, then not everything was as beautiful as it seems;
Make a list of the positive and negative qualities of both partners, only do it as truthfully as possible. Or write a list of characteristics that the ideal man should have and compare each partner according to it.

Thanks to such work, a woman will be able to understand from whom to receive love and with whom it is better to build a truly sincere relationship. Remember, there is no 100% guarantee that a particular man will make you happy, since a relationship is the work of two people and no one knows what might happen tomorrow. Psychologists do not recommend to hesitate and postpone making a decision for the future, because this will only aggravate the situation and as a result, you can lose both, being left with a broken trough.

Two new acquaintances

When figuring out how to choose, if I love two different men, it is worth understanding another popular situation when a woman is simultaneously courted by two representatives of the stronger sex, with whom there is no history in the past. In such situations, most often the fans are the absolute opposite of each other, for example, one is a romantic, and the other is a brutal. Start by analyzing the actions and actions that men do, and not only in relation to you, but also to other people.

Here, as never before, the well-known proverb fits - "Tell me who your friend is and I will tell you who you are"... Then you should think about what kind of relationship you generally want. For example, with the "bad guy", you probably won't be able to spend the evening watching a movie or watching the sunset. The relationship in such a couple is more like a volcano that explodes regularly. If a woman is not ready for such a union in the future, then it is not worth starting a relationship, since such males do not change.

It will be possible to choose a worthy man only after you manage to understand yourself. It is necessary to think about what exactly attracts in each partner, since many ladies often wind themselves up that they like a man.

Thanks to a simple analysis, it will be possible to draw conclusions that will help the correct choice. Psychologists say that sometimes it is enough to speak frankly with a man, to say what is missing in a relationship, and then, and the choice will not need to be made.

When a woman is faced with a difficult choice, you can turn to the advice given by professional psychologists. They will help you analyze the situation and make a decision.

Imagine the future with each partner. Think about what kind of man will be husband and father. Can you count on a happy future;
Get to know friends and relatives of applicants for your heart. The environment will help you better understand how a person behaves in different situations;
Sometimes, to decide whom I love, it is enough just to trust your intuition. Just try to feel who your significant other is;
Sometimes, in order to understand who to stay with, you need to be alone. You can go on a journey and then make a choice. Moving away from everyone, you can understand who is really needed.

By the way, I would like to recall the old wisdom, which says that if you do not know who to choose from two lovers, then stop at the second. This is explained by the fact that if a woman loves the first man, but never pays attention to the other.

Ask a psychologist

Good evening!
For a long time I was in search of ITS man. After the first marriage, not very good memories remained, because my husband drank and cheated .. The good thing remained - this is my beloved daughter, whom I cherish.
After the divorce, I wanted a real, strong, friendly family, where each other is appreciated, supported, taken care of, happy together, etc.
I met guys, talked ... Over time, I got a portrait of my man. He should not abuse alcohol, be decent in all respects, promising, caring, attentive, have some goals or plans for the future, love children and want a full-fledged family ... be courageous so that I feel like a little girl, and not a peasant horse ...
5 years ago I met a man "B" who possessed most of the above qualities. Everything was fine, they met for 2.5 years. I was hoping that we were about to have a family ... we would live together. There was a small problem - we live in different parts of the city. Mostly I went to him while my daughter was with her grandmother. However, it is uncomfortable for me to be so torn apart, and I tried to talk to finally live together. In response, I heard that "I'm not ready", "then - not now" ... "this is a big responsibility", etc.
We parted on my initiative.
A year and a half ago, I met a man "B", who also has most of the qualities of "my man". However, he is a drinker and a lover of women (although he says that this is in the past). Well, everything is fine in him ... And caring and kind and not selfish ... But he also promises to live together and is also "not ready", not ready at the moment to have children, although he is already 36 ... Found recently his notebook with telephones, and there are 7-8 pages in each cell with the names of women and telephones with notes ... We talked - a notebook of old days of youth. However, this moment confused me and I begin to doubt his loyalty. Trust has disappeared somewhere.
Recently "B" showed up ... who still regrets the separation and realized for himself that he had lost the most valuable thing for him ...
And I can't forget "B" ... Everything was fine, but I wanted a family ..
I see that both love me, want to be with me ...
I want to make a choice, but it doesn’t work ... Both are dear to me .. I appreciate it equally, each has drawbacks .. But those that I sometimes don’t even pay attention to ... Only "B" drinks, but the behavior is good .. .without aggression ...
Making a choice "as the heart tells you" is not the case .. because the heart is next to them two ..
Tell me how I can choose between them ..
Thanks in advance!

Psychologists' Answers

Tatiana, good afternoon!

The situation of choice is always difficult. And here it is important to determine your own vision of yourself in a relationship. How do you see yourself? What are you? What do you do? etc.

Then look and think. which of these Men is more likely to be in a relationship just like that.

Tatyana, there is a certain nuance in both cases - both Men indicate their unpreparedness for a serious relationship, it is worth asking, what do they need for this readiness to be? Perhaps they are interested in an open relationship.

Also, looking at the shortcomings of each Man, honestly answer yourself - which of them are you willing to put up with throughout your life? How will you react if they intensify?

Tatyana, add the choice of the head to the choice of the heart!

Pershukova Yulia Ivanovna, psychologist Syktyvkar

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Making a choice "as the heart tells you" is not the case .. because the heart is next to them two ..

It is hardly a heart. The heart and feelings of a person in general are something whole. But the mind and its inherent emotions - tend to share everything. In one - one, in the other - another, in the third - the third. And you can, as it were, put together a puzzle from parts - in one to love one thing, in the other - another, and try to dock this with your plans, which, again, were invented by your head, and these plans rarely dovetail with reality.

You have come up with an image of a man, a date, an idea of \u200b\u200ba family. In itself, all this is not bad, but now you are rather trying to adjust reality to fit your plans. And this does not always work out.

Is it possible to live like this in reality - it's hard for me to say. Judging by the fact that you cannot make this choice, the problem is not in the men themselves, but in the fact that you are not ready to accept reality. In one case, to accept the reality that a man may not be ready for a family right away. In another case, accept the reality that he drinks and was (at least in the past) hungry for women. And there is no such reality, where everything would be perfectly tailored to your plans, alas ...

Read this article, it is about men, but you will understand what kind of splitting, gathering from parts and ideals I am talking about: http://psyhelp24.ru/ideal-search/

And one more thing - to the question of what to do - to learn to live in the present. Stop predicting and calculating. And really hear the heart. How? - http://psyhelp24.ru/zhit-nastoyashhim-zdes-i-sejchas/

Best regards, Nesvitsky A.M., psychologist, skype consultations

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Someone will say - "to love two at once is licentiousness." And someone will note - “Great! Double portion of attention! " And someone in general will declare that this is not love at all, since you are drawn to two sides at once. And only one in a thousand will understand how hard it is when the heart breaks with love for both men at once.

What to do? How to choose one and only one of them two?

Testing ourselves - 8 methods of choosing between two guys or men

If the heart does not want to be determined at all, and the mental weather vane is spinning like a madman, it makes sense to test yourself and facilitate the task of such a serious choice.

We appreciate the positive qualities of each ...

Does he have a sense of humor?Can he cheer you up, and does he understand your jokes? A person with a sense of humor looks at the world in a completely different way and charges everyone around with his optimism.
How do you feel when he touches you? And is he able to restrain himself in the manifestation of feelings?
What are his interests in life?Is he a purposeful person with his own outlook on life or a bore who most values \u200b\u200bhis own comfort in life?
How he behaves when someone needs help? In a hurry to help, without hesitation, or pretending that it does not concern him?
What exactly attracts him to you (other than your appearance)?
How much time does he spend with you? Savoring every minute, stretching pleasure, rushing to you right away, barely had a free "minute"? Or is he in a hurry on a date, constantly looking at his watch, leaving immediately "after ..."?
How often does he call you? Just before arriving with the brutal "Baby, I'll stop by today"? Or, barely having time to go beyond the threshold, with a sigh - "baby, I already miss you" and almost every hour, just to find out how you are?
Does he flirt with other girls in your presence?
How does he relate to children?

Assessing our own feelings ...

How do you feel when she calls or texts?
Do you feel yourself next to him "in your place" and "at ease"?
Does the touch of your hand make your heart beat faster?
Can you imagine yourself with him in old age?
Does he accept you for who you are?
Do you feel next to him that “wings are opening” and “I want to live to the fullest”?
Or are you next to him like a shadow or a bird in a beautiful cage?
Do you feel like you are getting better around him?
Does it support your desires and aspirations in development?
Do you feel yourself next to him special, the most beloved and desired?
Without which of them you are suffocating, as if you cut off oxygen?

We evaluate the negative aspects of both ...

Does he have bad habitsthat annoy you?
How jealous is he? It is bad if he is not jealous at all - either he is disingenuous, or he simply does not care. It is also bad if jealousy goes off scale, and every passer-by who smiles fleetingly at you risks getting in the nose. The golden mean here is just that.
Does he care about what you are wearing and how you look? Of course, every man wants his woman to be the most stunning and beautiful, but a mature man usually hides the long legs of his half from prying eyes and disapproves of short skirts, too bright makeup and other delights.
How heavy is the burden of the past behind him?And if it is "very difficult" - will it interfere with your relationship?
Is he trying to control you?Or is he always looking for a compromise when a controversial issue arises?
Is he able to admit that he is wrong?
How often does he have outbursts of unreasonable aggression?
Is he able to take the first step towards reconciliationif you had a fight?
Have you noticed lies behind him?How frank is he with you? How high is the level of trust between you?
Did he tell you about his past love? And in what tone? If he thinks about his ex too often, most likely his feelings for her have not cooled down yet. If he remembers "in bad words" - it is worth thinking. A real man will never say bad things about a former passion, even if she gave him "hell on earth".
If you get sick, does he run for medicine and sit by your bed? Or is it waiting for you to recover, occasionally sending SMS "Well, how are you doing there?"

We evaluate the feelings of both ...

How deep are his feelings for you? Is he ready to connect his life with you forever or is your relationship superficial and based only on physical attraction?
What is he willing to sacrifice for you? Will he be able to rush after you if you suddenly decide to study / work in another city?
What might his reaction be if you decide to break up with him?"Come on, goodbye" or "What's up?" Will it immediately disappear from your life or will it fight for you? Of course, you don't need to ask - just try to imagine the situation and its consequences.

Hall help or call a friend

If you have a relationship of trust with parents, share your problem with them. They will probably tell you what to do best for you, and will express their opinion "from the height of past years" about both candidates for your heart.

You can talk and with friends, but only if you trust them 100 percent.

And the decision, of course, is still up to you.

Making a list ...

How are they similar to each other?
What are their differences?
What exactly do you feel for each (describe each feeling)?
What qualities do you like about them?
What qualities do you dislike categorically?
Which one do you have more in common with?
Which of them will you be happy to wait from work with a delicious dinner?
Which of them do you want to introduce to your parents and relatives? And how can parents perceive everyone?

Throw a coin ...

Let one be tails, and another heads. Throwing a coin, follow your thoughts - who exactly do you want to see on your palm?

We are not in a hurry ...

Don't try to find a solution immediately. Give yourself (and them) some time. Take a week off from both of them - which one will you miss more? Just don't drag out this selection process for too long.

And if your relationship has not yet crossed that very border of intimacy, do not cross it. Make a choice before you realize that one of them has been changed.

The choice is made between the two guys - what's next?

If the decision is indeed made, it's time to part with one of them. There is no need to leave it "in reserve" - \u200b\u200btear it immediately. In the end, if both of them dream of living with you until old age, then tormenting both on your part is simply unforgivable. Let go of the one that is less dear to you.
You do not need to tell him when parting that you have "different". Do this as gently as possible. It is unlikely that he will be delighted with your confessions, but it is in your power to soften the blow. Try to break up as friends.
The feeling of emptiness from the loss of the second is normal. It will pass. Resign yourself and don't cheat yourself.
Thoughts like "What if I was wrong?" also to the side. Build your relationship and enjoy life. Never regret anything. Life itself will put everything in its place.
Accept that one of the three of you will be hurt. There is no other way.
If your conscience is tearing you apart from the inside, and the decision doesn’t come at all, and they, among other things, are also best friends, then part with both. This will provide yourself with a very solid "timeout" to sort out the feelings, and you will not become a wedge in their friendship.

In general - listen to your heart!It won't lie.

Instructions

The ideal option would, of course, be to suspend relationships - both. In the future, this will save you from unnecessary torments of conscience and bouts of remorse for what you have deceived.

Psychologists in such situations argue that a week should be enough for you to be able to decide who you need the most, after weighing all the pros and cons. The main condition is that this week you should not see anyone, calls, sms and any other type of communication are also prohibited.

If you do not have an analytical mindset and all the nuances are difficult for you in your head, a piece of paper will come to the rescue. Divide it into two parts and write down the merits of first one, and then the second man. Repeat the same operation with defects. You will see - this will make the final easier choice.

Psychologists say that a person is best when traveling with him. So, as an option, you can suggest the following: you spend the weekend on outings with your own, in turn, naturally. This should help you make your choice.

Although in such matters neither psychologists nor fortune-tellers will help. Each must decide for herself and make the final decision. If you have such a situation and you do not know how to do choice between men, think about it. If each of them has something that makes you want to go to, then most likely you just do not need any of them. He simply cannot give you everything you need. When you really meet that person, it won't even occur to you to choose between him and someone else.

So if everything is not serious with you, and you are a risky person by nature, continue the relationship in the same spirit, without choosing anyone. Sooner or later, life itself will put everything in its place.

Assess positive qualities

Every time you meet guys, you need to think about what you like most about each of them. Of course, it is not always easy to understand what exactly causes sympathy. Then you have to analyze the positive aspects by asking yourself a few questions.

Does the young man have a sense of humor, is he able to make you laugh? Men who are witty and can joke delight women and make them look at the world differently. Therefore, girls give preference to those guys with whom they have fun.

Is the young man interested only in himself or else in other people? It will be a huge plus if he has a large circle of friends and many hobbies. Such people have their own view of the world, and it is very interesting with them.

Can you say that the guy is emotional? Does he show concern for other people? Many young guys hide their true feelings. If the chosen one is not ashamed of his emotions, then this speaks of his maturity and self-confidence.

Does a man only like looks or even inner qualities? A potential life partner should compliment not only the body.

Is he patient? A guy who doesn't rush what is happening loves to enjoy every minute he spends with his girlfriend. Such a person can be considered reliable. A young man who is constantly in a hurry and pressures often changes his passion very quickly.

The list is endless. It is necessary to highlight the positive qualities that I would like to highlight in my chosen one, and compare whether the one and the other guy have them.

Assess negative traits

In moments of love, you don't want to think about negative qualities. But if there is a firm intention to make a choice, then you have to think about it. It is necessary to draw up a negative characteristic of both guys, which will reveal those aspects of them that are not satisfactory. You can ask yourself the following questions.

Does the guy carry a big emotional burden with him? Are you ready to constantly face his difficult past? Not every girl can put up with this, even if she is very good with the other half.

Is the young man trying to manipulate and control? Does he not admit that he is wrong and wants to always be the way he wants? If so, then these are clear signs of selfishness, which can significantly complicate the relationship.

Have any of the guys lied at least once? If so, then such a person is unlikely to ever become frank, and it will be difficult for him to trust. And without this, it will not be possible to build normal relations.

Does a young guy constantly find trouble on his head? Then it's better not to mess with him at all. Not only will the young man not have time for his girlfriend because of this, he can still get involved in his troubles.

Does the man constantly talk about his ex? This is a clear sign that he still loves her. It is better to let such a person go to understand his feelings, and not be a vest for him.

What other negative qualities do guys have? This is worth thinking carefully about before making your choice.

How do both guys feel in you?

This point is no less important than what each guy likes. One man may have an ideal set of character traits and qualities, but at the sight of another, his heart may beat faster or, conversely, freeze. Therefore, you need to carefully monitor your feelings that arise in the company of these young men. Is there dizziness, joy, self-confidence? If so, that's a great sign.

To make it easier to understand, you can ask yourself a few questions. Do you feel that you are getting better around the guy or, on the contrary, spoiled? Do you have a desire to develop and grow personally? Do your cheeks burn and butterflies flutter in your stomach? Is there a realization that you are a special, fragile girl, a real woman? What feelings arise when a guy touches (takes a hand, hugs, kisses)? Do you like it, does it become unpleasant or does it not matter at all? All sensations that arise should be extremely positive.

Feelings of young people for you

How to choose between two guys? It is worth paying attention to how they feel. If you assume that one of them will easily find a new girlfriend and will not even be upset because of the breakup, then you hardly need to continue a relationship with such a person. If a young man has more serious intentions and deep feelings, then this fact should become a weighty argument when choosing.

You don't have to ask directly about love and a future together. Moreover, such a question can confuse and alienate some guys. It is enough to follow the behavior of a young man to understand his true feelings. They are manifested in the look, the desire to spend more time together, and so on. The choice will be difficult if both men are willing to do anything for you.

Make a list

You shouldn't stay with a young man just because he really likes you. All factors must be taken into account together. A list of advantages and disadvantages that are welcome and, conversely, undesirable in a partner, can help in this. So you can understand how these guys are alike, how they differ, and what you really want.

For clarity, you can divide a sheet of paper into several columns. They need to indicate the desirable and undesirable qualities of the chosen one. They should be matched with the character traits of both guys. After that, you should calculate the number of pluses / minuses and draw an appropriate conclusion. It should be borne in mind that the criteria may have different weights. Therefore, it is better to assess the qualities on a point system.

Ask loved ones for opinions

Close friends and relatives with whom a relationship of trust has been established can help figure out how to choose between two guys. They will support and advise how to behave in the current situation. Only their opinion should be taken critically. Relatives only express what they think, and the choice is yours.

It is wrong to ask who they like more. You need to ask which of the guys is best for you. Only in this case it will be possible to get an answer with whom it is better for you to be, and not with whom your friends would meet. It is worth listening to what close people advise, and not letting it go deaf. If you don't want to follow the recommendations, then there was no point in asking someone's opinion.

Trust your intuition

Listening to what your heart says is very old and wise advice. Perfect people simply do not exist, so there is no need to wait for a prince. When evaluating the qualities of both guys, do not forget about your feelings. If you are more attracted to some young man, then there is nothing to think about.

Sometimes it’s not a very simple situation. Intuition tells that one guy doesn't like it very much, and the other doesn't fit in many criteria, but he is still cute. In this case, the best solution would be to take a break from both suitors. Being free is much better than suffering in a confused and unrelated relationship.

If it is very difficult to decide, then you can resort to a little trick. She will quickly help you figure out who you love and how to make the right choice. Take a coin and decide that tails means one guy and heads mean another. Then you can toss the copper into the air. This is where the whole secret lies - while the coin is in the air, you need to catch yourself thinking which side you would like to see when it lands. This will be the answer to the question with whom you most want to meet.

Don't rush to make a choice

If you did not give any obligations to any of the guys, and there is no feeling that you are cheating on someone, then you can take your time with the choice. In this case, you do not have to make a decision right now. Better to think for a while - a few days or even a week. During this period, young men can do something good or bad, which will greatly facilitate the decision. But it is not worth delaying the choice. If a man finds out that for many months you have been dating two at the same time, then this fact will greatly humiliate and hurt him. And after this, there is no longer any desire to continue the relationship.

Make a decision

When all the pros and cons have already been carefully weighed, you can finally decide which guy to choose. After making a decision, you should contact yourself with obligations with your chosen one. To do this, you need to seriously talk to him and clarify all the points. You need to talk about your feelings and clarify whether he wants to meet with you and be in the status of "boyfriend and girlfriend". Whatever his answer, the second boy will have to admit that you do not want to continue the relationship with him. It is not easy, but it must be done. In any case, someone will be hurt, but almost all people go through parting - such is life.

Now you know how to choose between two guys if you really like both. The main thing is not to be afraid to make a mistake and not to delay making a decision. Only in this case, you will not be tormented by a feeling of guilt that you meet with two men at once.