Psychological assistance to spouses before and after divorce. Psychotherapist Kyiv, family psychologist Kyiv, sex therapist Kyiv

12.05.2019

Any divorce, even if it is by mutual desire, is a serious trauma, which is aggravated by the need to completely reorganize your life. Before divorce, most people have no idea what they can really face. The problems facing divorcees affect many aspects of life, such as the division of property, the reorganization of life, the creation of new relationships with friends, relatives, children, etc.

The study of divorce processes by family psychologists has led to the creation of various classifications of divorce motives. The motives here, as a rule, are understood as various conditions, reasons and circumstances that led to a divorce.

Here is a classification of the reasons for divorce, proposed by a domestic psychologist (Elizarov, 2004):
protracted marital conflicts;
betrayal of one of the spouses;
new love;
cooling in emotional relationships;
the need to start a different life, more joyful and eventful;
divorce and everything connected with it have become the central theme of marital communication, providing an eventful life;
dissatisfaction with the distribution of marital roles and responsibilities;
problems in the sexual sphere;
parents turn spouses against each other;
somatic or mental illness of one of the spouses;
chronic illness in a child;
lack of warmth and trust in relationships;
spouses discover they have different values;
one of the spouses seeks to exploit the other;
non-compliance with the culture of behavior and the norms of everyday life by one of the spouses;
poor material and housing conditions that complicate the life of the family;
cohabitation with parents;
drug addiction of one of the spouses;
obsessive jealousy on the part of one of the spouses;
unequal level of education and social status;
difficulties in combining family and extra-family roles for one of the spouses;
infertility of one of the spouses;
addiction of one of the spouses to gambling;
overload, physical and / or emotional exhaustion of one of the spouses in connection with work;
one of the spouses believes that the other spends money irrationally; problems associated with spending money;
one of the spouses believes that the other irrationally organizes his time, does not live like that;
loss of the meaning of life by one or both spouses, adverse emotional states associated with this.

Divorce, in the view of most family psychologists, is not an event, but a process that begins with the fact that the spouses evaluate the possibility of divorce, and ends when both partners create their own independent lifestyle. In this process, the help of a family psychologist is simply necessary.

There are several most common options for seeking psychological help from a family psychologist in connection with a divorce.

The first option - one of the spouses wants a divorce, the second wants to save the marriage and resorts to the help of a family psychologist as one of the last options. It is unlikely that in this case, a family psychologist will help save such a marriage. Perhaps the only thing he can do is to help a person survive and accept the inevitability of divorce.

The second option is more favorable - both spouses doubt the need for a divorce. Although family life has reached a dead end, they strive to get out of it. And this is where a family psychologist can really help them.

The next fairly common problem is parting with a partner. People who no longer hope to return their partner turn to counseling, and they are worried about the problem of how to live on, how to “fall out of love”, how to adapt to life without hope for reciprocity. In this case, the family psychologist will help to survive the feelings of resentment, loss, guilt, etc. experienced by the client. Only after that the client is able to intellectually master the situation, understand something and change his own behavior. After that, you can move on to planning other aspects of life and to the search for resources for further fulfilling life.

Divorce, in the view of many experts, is not an event, but a process that begins with the fact that the spouses evaluate the possibility of divorce, and ends when both partners create their own independent lifestyle. Legal divorce is only part of the whole process. This process consists of two main stages: the decision stage and the restructuring (rebuilding) stage. The first stage ends with the decision to divorce. The second stage consists of five separate processes running in parallel. These include the emotional, legal, economic, parental, and social aspects of divorce. The process ends with the achievement of independence from the former spouse and former family. An important result is the achievement of an adequate level of cooperation between former spouses in matters of raising children who live with one of them.

The American psychologist Maslow proposed a dialectical model of the divorce process, which includes seven stages and their corresponding therapeutic methods of helping its participants.

Emotional divorce - the destruction of the illusions of married life, a feeling of dissatisfaction, alienation of spouses, fear and despair, attempts to control a partner, disputes, the desire to avoid problems. Couple therapy or participation in group therapy is appropriate at this stage.

A time of reflection and despair before divorce. This period is accompanied by pain and despair, anger and fear, contradictory feelings and actions, often shock, a feeling of emptiness and chaos. At the cognitive-behavioral level, denial of the existing situation, physical and emotional retreat are characteristic. Efforts are being made to make everything good again, to return love, to get help from friends, family members, the church. At this stage, the family psychologist may offer couples therapy for both partners, or some form of group therapy.

Legal divorce - registration of a break in relations at a formal level. This stage is associated not only with legal proceedings, but also with the participation in family relations of partners of an increasing number of people. On an emotional level, spouses or one of them may experience depression, alienation, disputes, suicidal attempts, threats, and a desire to negotiate. The therapeutic intervention of a family psychologist can be beneficial both for the whole family and for the individual. During a divorce and a period of legal disputes, the abandoned spouse experiences self-pity, helplessness, feelings of despair and anger. Timely consultation with a lawyer or mediator, whose role can also be played by a social worker, helps the family to maintain their property and social rights (privileges). At this stage of divorce, children especially need psychological help.

An economic divorce can cause either spouse to feel turmoil, furious anger, or sadness (“Life is ruined—how much money matters!”). It shows individual therapy (accompaniment) of a family psychologist for adults and group therapy for children.

Striking a balance between parental responsibilities and the right to custody. The abandoned spouse experiences loneliness, relief, seeks help from friends and relatives. Housewives are forced to return to work with a sense of novelty and fear of not being able to cope with problems.

Time to explore yourself and restore balance. The main problem of this period is loneliness and the conflicting feelings that accompany it: indecision, optimism, regret, sadness, curiosity, excitement. Behavior takes on a new direction: the search for new friends begins, activity appears, a new lifestyle and daily routine for children are stabilized, new responsibilities are formed for all family members. At this time, individual therapy is possible for adult family members and for children, group therapy for single people.

Psychological divorce - on an emotional level - is readiness for action, self-confidence, vigor, self-worth, independence and autonomy. On the cognitive-behavioral level - the synthesis of a new identity and the psychological completion of a divorce, the search for new objects of love and readiness for a long-term relationship. Therapeutic assistance is possible in the form of parent-child, family, group therapy for all family members.

From a practical point of view, it is more expedient to divide the divorce process into periods in which spouses may need consulting and therapeutic assistance from a family psychologist: the pre-divorce period; divorce period; post divorce period.

Pre-divorce period. The main goal of the work of a family psychologist in this period is to achieve a thoughtful, responsible decision, regardless of whether the spouses are striving to maintain a disharmonious marriage or not. During this period, it is still possible to suspend the legal divorce process. When working with spouses, a family psychologist finds out their attitude to divorce as such, as well as the motivation for their decision. This takes into account the possibility of a temporary crisis during this period, the prospects for meeting the needs of the spouses and positive changes in the family, the consequences of divorce for both spouses and especially for children.
Psychologists note that public opinion gives rise to myths that support behavior that promotes divorce. Here we are talking about ideas that are presented as well-known truths, despite the fact that they do not correspond to reality. These myths include:
the second marriage is better than the first;
if the marriage fails, then only divorce can fix it
position;
For a child, divorce is not something exceptional,
because around him there are many other children from incomplete
families;
better to get a divorce than to save a family in which children
will witness constant conflicts between parents;
after the end of the divorce period, everything will fall into place for the children;
if a new partner loves me, he will be happy with my children.
If one of the partners is under the influence of such myths, then the task of the family psychologist is to help him abandon false ideas and eliminate their influence on decision making.

Divorce period. This is the period when the spouses have already decided to divorce. Here, a family psychologist helps spouses to restrain their emotions, directing them to jointly solve specific problems related to divorce, which is most beneficial for both parties, taking into account, first of all, the interests and problems of children.
The emotional state of the spouses is characterized by feelings of anger and sadness, fear, guilt, anger, and a desire to take revenge. They can be opposed by the desire to come to terms with the loss, a sense of responsibility, the development of independence and the formation of new goals. The task of the family psychologist at this stage is to achieve acceptance of the divorce by both spouses. If the decision to divorce is one-sided, then the “abandoned” partner believes the other is guilty and he has a feeling of loss, neglect, impotent rage or helplessness. The subject of disputes and contention may be the division of property or child care, so a family psychologist should help resolve emotional problems so that they do not affect the rational solution of business issues.

One of the biggest issues in divorce is children. How to behave with them in order to mitigate the consequences of psychological trauma for them? In this case, family psychologists recommend following the so-called safe divorce rules:

1. Even after a divorce, when you cease to be spouses, for a child you still remain parents forever, so explain this to him.
2. Do not drag the child into your showdown.
3. When transferring a child to the family of the ex-spouse for the weekend, you need to learn how to transfer the child correctly (not at the door passed-accepted, but also give short information about the child in recent days, so you show the child that you can communicate).
4. Do not make a “transmitter” and “scout” out of a child, whose task is to convey what is happening in an enemy family. This is especially true for grandparents.
5. Do not interfere with communication with grandparents from the former spouse.

It seems to many parents that divorce deprives the child of a future and experiencing guilt in front of children often exacerbates the general feeling of failure and doom, a family psychologist is able to help the client take a different look at this situation.

According to numerous studies, it is much better for a child to live with one of the parents, but in a calm and friendly atmosphere, than in a complete family, in which relationships are tense and conflicting, and scandals follow one after another. This is evidenced by data on children's school performance, behavior, their level of communication, neuroticism, etc.
Thus, divorce is a severe psychological trauma for all its participants, especially for children. However, with the timely and qualified help of a family psychologist, this trauma can be overcome, friendly relations with the former partner can be maintained, and the impact of divorce on the child's state of mind can be mitigated. Also, a family psychologist will help to survive and analyze this difficult life experience so as not to repeat it in the future.

Veprentsova Svetlana,

family psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences

If you and your family need psychological help - contact us!

Specialists of the Center for Psychological Development "Egolution" provide assistance in divorce cases to spouses and their family members. The reasons for breaking the bonds of marriage may be different, but their consequences are often the same: a difficult emotional state, destabilization, depression. It is easier to survive this period of life with the help of a family psychologist.

Over the years of living together, the spouses become practically a single whole: they lead a common life, raise children, share hardships and joys, and provide psychological assistance to each other. That is why it is incredibly difficult to accept a new phase of this relationship. To avoid the consequences of psychological trauma during a divorce, the former spouse needs to understand in time that he needs help.

In what situations do you need the help of a psychologist during a divorce?

Each person is unique, so it is extremely difficult to predict in advance how a spouse will react to the emotional shock of a divorce. Experts identify typical circumstances that indicate that a person needs psychological help:

despite the final break in relations, the ex-husband (or wife) continues to make efforts to restore the family;
at the stage of making a decision on divorce, the second half refuses to take responsibility for problems, analyze and model the situation;
one of the spouses during a divorce cannot make the final choice in favor of preserving the family or ending its existence and does not understand the value of assistance;
a person is rapidly losing or gaining weight, begins to abuse alcohol or other stimulants, refuses to accept psychological help;
a family member shows aggression towards loved ones and loved ones.

In the presence of one or more of the signs described above, the best way out of the crisis is to seek help from a psychologist during a divorce.

Reasons for divorce

The provision of psychological assistance in case of divorce is carried out taking into account the reasons that led to the rupture of relations between the spouses. Most frequent:

psychological and practical unpreparedness for family life (42%);
alcoholism of a spouse (23-31%);
adultery (12-15%);
other reasons (family violence, different views on material well-being, groundless jealousy, intimate dissatisfaction, etc.).

Psychological assistance during divorce helps men and women to overcome this difficult period with dignity. Not only the "injured party", but also the initiator of the divorce process is also involved in the experience. He can be pressured by both the former spouse and relatives, society as a whole.

In addition, children need psychological help during a divorce. It is important for a child to know that his parents still love him and he can count on their support.

What kind of divorce counseling does a family psychologist provide?

There are several typical options for the behavior of spouses after a divorce. Not all people in this situation need psychological help. Some of them accept this fact, adequately assess the current life situation and continue to lead their usual way of life. Such persons usually do not need the psychological help of specialists. Others show aggression, seek to inflict pain, take revenge on their partner for the offense, completely deny the possibility of a normal life after a divorce. There is a third group of people who, after a breakup, seek to turn back time and restore a broken family, ignoring the natural obstacles to this. In the second and third situations, the help of a specialist during a divorce gives a person the opportunity to look at his life circumstances from the outside, to adequately assess the chances of restoring relations and the prospects for further destructive behavior.

The Benefits of Seeking Divorce Help

In the Egolution Center for Psychological Development, former partners, as well as members of their families, will always find support and understanding. Among the advantages of contacting specialists it is worth noting:

complete anonymity and confidentiality of visiting sessions;
minimal time and effort spent on overcoming the problem (compared to its independent solution);
the professional nature of the psychological assistance provided.

To make an appointment with a family psychologist, contact the company manager at the phone number listed on the website. Take care of yourself!

The strategy of psychotherapy in divorce differs depending on the period of the divorce process, which can be divided into the pre-divorce period, the divorce period and the post-divorce period.

Pre-divorce period. The main goal of psychotherapeutic measures in this period is to achieve a thoughtful, responsible decision, regardless of whether the spouses seek to maintain a disharmonious marriage or not. During this period, it is still possible to suspend the legal divorce process. When working with spouses, it is advisable to find out their attitude to divorce as such, as well as the motivation for their decision. The possibility of a temporary crisis during this period, the prospects for meeting the needs of the spouses and positive changes in the family, the consequences of divorce for both spouses and especially for children should be taken into account.

Public opinion creates myths that support divorce-promoting behavior. Here we are talking about ideas that are presented as well-known truths, despite the fact that they do not correspond to reality. These myths include:

second marriage is better than the first
if the marriage fails, then only divorce can improve the situation
for a child, divorce is not something exceptional, since there are many other children from single-parent families around him
it is better to get a divorce than to keep a family in which children will witness constant conflicts between parents
after the end of the divorce period, everything will fall into place for children
if a new partner loves me, he will be happy with my children

If one of the partners is under the influence of such myths, then the task - help him abandon false ideas and eliminate their influence on decision making.

Divorce period. This is the period when the spouses have already decided to divorce. The psychotherapist helps spouses to restrain their emotions, directing them to jointly solve specific problems associated with divorce, which is most beneficial for both parties, taking into account, first of all, the interests and problems of children.

The emotional state of the spouses is characterized by feelings of anger and sadness, fear, guilt, anger, and a desire to take revenge. They can be opposed by the desire to come to terms with the loss, a sense of responsibility, the development of independence and the formation of new goals. The therapist must ensure that both spouses agree to the divorce. If the decision to divorce is one-sided, then the “abandoned” partner believes the other is guilty and he has a feeling of loss, neglect, impotent rage or helplessness. The subject of disputes and contention may be the division of property or the care of children, so the therapist must help resolve emotional problems so that they do not calm down on a rational solution to business issues.

Legal issues include the division of property and apartments, the payment of alimony, the allocation of children to one of the parents and the conclusion of an agreement on meetings with their ex-spouse. Most issues are best resolved by mutual agreement, such as the issue of visiting children or the division of property. The psychotherapist systematically brings the spouses to the realization that all their actions should be directed to the child, who is about to move to new conditions of life, so that he can maintain an emotional connection with both parents, do not lose a sense of security and gradually overcome his confusion.

The divorce situation

Divorce- According to statistical data, it occupies a leading place on the scale of stress. This is one of the most dramatic moments in the life of a family, when a couple's relationship breaks down, after which people come to the decision to leave in order to live separately or simply resume the search for their personal happiness. Divorce always comes along with difficult emotional experiences that can hit not only adults but even children. Even for Russians, divorces are not news, statistics show that almost every third marriage breaks up, and every second in Moscow.

Reasons for divorce

The reasons for divorce can be a variety of situations, and as they are always different. This can be either disharmony in the intimate relationship of a couple, or the appearance of lovers, even material or domestic problems, and a number of other equally pleasant disputes. For example, there are situations when husbands demand from their wife that she become a caring mother, and the wife, in turn, purposefully pursues a career or education. It is also not uncommon for real boredom to be the real reason for divorce, or simply the routine of life. It is also worth noting that, as a rule, women are more acutely aware of the cracks in relationships. And also there are situations when spouses manage to dilute the routine of their lives with new impressions, or interests, and, as a rule, after that, in some cases, divorce can be avoided.

Psychology of divorce

The decision to divorce can come abruptly overnight, or it can take longer to fully analyze the situation for one of the spouses. It is also worth noting that often a temporary trip allows you to think about the whole situation, and then make joint decisions. It is also worth understanding that divorce is not a crisis, and perhaps this is what will allow you to discover new opportunities in personal freedom, which in the future may turn out to be an invaluable gift for the future life of each of the spouses.
Both spouses must be ready for a series of serious tests that will be associated with the entire divorce procedure.

Often, the division of property takes place only after a court decision, and the judges basically take the position of completely preserving the family as one whole. The entire procedure for the division of property, namely the settlement of housing disputes, is one of the least burdensome if a marriage contract was drawn up at the conclusion of the marriage. After a divorce, spouses, as a rule, have to build all their relationships in a new way, that is, if they were able to quarrel before a divorce, then most likely it will be a break in relations, but if they communicate in the same area of interest, then contact is often maintained for many years, but the boundaries of relations are being formed anew. There are even situations in which partners are afraid to put an end to the relationship, and each time they try to start all over again.

How to survive a divorce for a woman

Quite often, a woman after a divorce has a series of guilt complexes. Relatives and friends often blame the woman for the fact that it was she who could not save her family, keep and return her husband. It is psychologically that the entire divorce procedure for women is much more difficult than for men, and very often they even agree to endure the tyranny of their husband than to listen to a series of reproaches from relatives. Although if the decision to divorce was final and completely conscious, then it should not be considered not as a misfortune, but as a complete expansion of your horizon of possibilities. Within the framework of modern society, where divorce processes are perceived as the norm of behavior, women after divorces often get a new chance for in order to build a new independent life. So, for example, for housewives, one of the remedies can be a new, and very interesting job for them, where a girl can meet new people and make new acquaintances.

How to survive a divorce for a man

Men can also face a number of specific stresses after a divorce. Stress will be associated not only with the loss of a wife, but even with the restriction of the ability to see children. It is also worth noting that men are often at a loss from the problems and worries that have fallen on them, especially stresses are strong if the divorce procedure was initiated by a woman. But even if this idea came from a man, he can often honor himself as completely devastated. In order to fully survive the divorce of a man, it is necessary to set a number of new life goals. It is also worth noting that men need to avoid any depressive states, not to mention the use of alcohol, but on the contrary, it is necessary to seek help and moral support from close friends.

Children after parents' divorce

Of course, for children's mental health the best result will be a whole family. But divorce can have a very strong impact on children. According to statistics, more than fifty percent of children, after the divorce of their parents, do not experience any noticeable psychological impact, since situations in which parents swear are much more capable of influencing than the divorce procedure itself. Often the main problem for teenage children is the problem of material difficulties after a divorce, who are capable of undermining his position in the circle of friends. But in the case of negative influence, children, as a rule, remain the real hostages of the conflict that flared up between their parents, and psychological assistance in such situations is mandatory.

Psychological assistance in divorce

Depending on the requirements of clients, as a practical psychologist, I apply a number of methods to quickly solve your problem. The most frequent requests come requests, help a client get through a divorce, but, as a rule, there are a number of opportunities and ways to fully preserve the family. Contact us, and we will fight for your happiness together with you, or we will help you survive a divorce with minimal psychological losses for you.

In today's world, divorce has become a common event. People get married for the second, third, sometimes fifth time. Some couples end their relationship at retirement age. However, the largest number of divorces occurs in the first five years of family life. The statistics of modern research is depressing, more than half of registered marriages are dissolved.

How to survive a divorce

Why are there more divorces?

The mentality of people has changed, their views on family, freedom, divorce. Previously, official divorce was not allowed by law and society. The spouses swore, cheated, but formally remained husband and wife and could not officially live only with each other. No matter how life develops, the realization that the relationship is officially registered gives them seriousness, imposes obligations. Many had to live with an unloved person, but the fact remains that marriages were practically not dissolved officially.

Gradually, people's attitude to this issue changed, it was very difficult to get a divorce, but possible. But gradually the desire to be free from moral and legal obligations exceeded the desire to preserve the family. Divorce is now the norm.

Young people have become much easier to relate to marriage and even the birth of children. They register official relations, often not realizing the seriousness of this step. Young spouses do not have time to get to know each other well, to understand whether they need to connect their lives with this particular person. Sometimes for them, a stamp in their passport is a way to show themselves and the world that they are already adults.

Although the fault for a failed marriage lies more with the spouses. But one should not completely ignore the influence of society, the attitude of people towards marriage.

Reasons for termination of family relations

Everyone is familiar with the immortal quote by Leo Tolstoy: "All happy families are equally happy, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Despite the correspondence of this wisdom to reality, most families break up for the same reasons. According to the statistics of divorce proceedings over the past five years, when a relationship is broken, spouses indicate the following official grounds:

spouse's use of drugs;
addiction to alcoholism of a husband or wife;
lack of own apartment, housing;
interference of older relatives in family affairs, rejection of this interference by one of the spouses;
dissatisfaction with sexual life;
absence of children.

Frequent reasons for divorce

Often marriages break up due to adultery of one of the partners. The situation is simple and clear: changed - divorce. The one who betrayed the marriage oath is guilty. But the problems usually lie much deeper than intemperance or physical attraction. Some people are not naturally monogamous and cannot live with only one partner. Despite promises and oaths, they cheat on spouses. But such people are a minority, in general, treason is preceded by emotional conflicts, a breakdown in relations with a spouse.

Very often, a man who has cheated on his wife is dissatisfied with family life and therefore begins to seek happiness on the side. In addition to new sensations, he is trying to find understanding, interest in his life, comfort. Such men usually do not feel comfortable at home, the atmosphere of the family, the wife's chicanery, the mess depresses him.

Some women, having married and given birth to children, cease to feel and behave like the fair sex. They do not take care of their appearance, figure, clothes, they become isolated in the household and raising children. All this contributes to the breakdown of relations with her husband, which in the future can lead to divorce. Cheating in this case is a kind of culmination of growing discontent and a reason for ending the relationship.

Infidelity often leads to divorce.

If one of the spouses feels that the marriage is falling apart, but does not know what to do to save him, consulting a professional psychologist can help.

Women's reactions to divorce

No one can survive the dissolution of a marriage calmly and without emotion. Even if the family fell apart a long time ago, quarrels and screams are in the past, and resentment has subsided, an official divorce causes sadness and sadness. Before receiving a certificate, there is always hope, a feeling that a difficult situation can someday be resolved. Often, along with the bitter feeling comes a feeling of relief. After all, the difficult morally and physically divorce process is completed, you can start living anew.

In most cases, divorce becomes a very difficult experience for a woman, especially if she was not the initiator of the separation. There may be a feeling of love, affection, the departure of a husband from the family is his disappearance from the life of a woman. There is a feeling of loss of a loved one.

What should a woman do after a divorce?

According to psychologists, you can finally recover from a divorce only a few years after it. If a woman tries to cope with difficulties on her own, it can take three to five years. Depression can last even longer if the necessary help is not provided in time. That is why it is advisable to seek professional help after a divorce. But not everyone turns to specialists, preferring to cope with difficulties on their own or with the help of relatives and friends.

Psychological help during a divorce is always needed. For those who are trying to recover on their own after a divorce or help loved ones overcome this disaster, psychologists give a number of tips.

Calm down and think about the situation

When it was not possible to save the relationship, the official papers were drawn up and the divorce was registered, the woman finds herself in a difficult situation. First of all, you need to try to calm down and decide how to build your life further. If a child is left with a woman, this is especially necessary. Maternal depression should not affect the life and condition of the child. The depressed state of the mother will always adversely affect the mood of the children, especially the babies, whose connection with her is especially strong.

A woman after a divorce needs to calm down and think about how to build her life

Often after a divorce, a woman is overcome by a feeling of emptiness and uncertainty. The usual way of life has collapsed, the usual everyday life is in the past and the future is uncertain. It is important to understand that often the loss of such “stability”, a change in the boring way of life is necessary. Women are immersed in the household, cooking and cleaning become an end in itself, a shake-up is needed in order to break this vicious cycle.

You need to calm down and think about how to build your life, calculate finances, determine what schedule the woman and children will now have. Making a plan, even for a short time, will bring back a sense of stability.

Change your life

Psychologists at the consultation recommend changing life for the better after a divorce. The woman has free time. You can change your hairstyle, improve your figure, update your wardrobe. This will allow you to take a fresh look at yourself, become more attractive to others and to the opposite sex, increase self-confidence.