The husband does not want his wife - what to do? a practical guide for unwanted wives. if the husband does not want a wife, this is fixable
Passion, lust, excitement ... of all this, it seems, nothing is left. My husband says he doesn't want sex with me. With him, you see, "everything is extinguished, everything is gone." But I'm only 35, I'm beautiful and strangers flirt with me. What to do? Change? I'm not one of those ... Divorce? We have common children, and I love him ... It remains only to figure out why it happens that a man does not want a woman. There is a reason - and more than one.
Why doesn't a husband want a wife? What is the reason for the decline in interest in sex?
Is it possible to return the past: so that instead of “I don’t want” there will again appear “I want and more than once”?
What mistakes do women make in bed that make men stop wanting sex with them?
All newlyweds know about the unprecedented sexual rise firsthand. Even those who are not very young. A man wants a woman, a woman wants a man - everything is fine with them. Especially on a honeymoon. But then some time passes and everything changes: desires fade away. The best of evils, if they fade away "mutually". It is much worse when one of them has completely “withered”, while the other is still burning inside. In this situation, it is especially difficult for a woman: asking for sex is inconvenient, scolding for absence is disrespectful to herself. And you can be silent, pout and wait until the second coming. Nothing changes. In this article, we are looking for an answer to the question: What to do in such a delicate situation when the husband does not want to have sex with his wife?
Husband said he didn't want me?
There are actually two reasons for the dying out of sexual lust between husband and wife. One is wholly and completely covered in the very nature of relations, the second lies in the sphere of human psychology. Due to the elementary misunderstanding of the difference between them, we most often do not find any solution. Let's try to separate them.
So, first reason- these are the physiological characteristics of our body. When a person meets his ideal soul mate, his insides respond with excitement. Kisses, touches, even the smell serve as sulfur on the match of passion. The reaction is almost instantaneous and very clearly felt, especially by women: the head is spinning, the lower abdomen is pleasantly cramping, and inside the body it is somehow especially warm.
Such reactions to a loved one are absolutely normal, just like the fact that they gradually fade away. Nature is very rational and gives us only about three years for shura-mura. And then nature does not need excitement and pleasure from a person: you need to build a house, take care of children, be realized for society. All that is on top, namely the pleasure of sex, is already the concern of an accomplished couple. It just won't be that way, you need to make an effort.
The second reason- our subconscious desires, which begin to manifest themselves as soon as the grip of natural attraction begins to weaken. At first, under the pressure of sexual arousal, we easily go to the world, we can give in or forgive. But gradually the veil subsides and what has always been in us comes out, just temporarily dulled. I want to enjoy life not only in sex, but also in other areas: at work, in a hobby, with friends. And here the beloved partner becomes an obstacle, which causes irritation, resentment, and anger.
All this is also normal and natural. We are all human, we are all different. The matter is aggravated by the fact that we often fall in love with our opposite, which means that our interests are contradictory.
Central error consists in the fact that having discovered the extinction of desire on the part of the husband, the wife rushes to solve the first reason. She wants to return everything as it was in the first months of a joint sex life, and she is looking for a way to do this. She buys perfume with pheromones, puts on beautiful underwear, invites her on a trip to the same hotel where her honeymoon took place. It seems to her that everything can be returned. However, this is a mistake. Nature is always precise and economical. It never repeats itself.
The situation can be corrected only for the second reason. Do not be offended by your husband that he stopped wanting sex, but understand his true desires. Yes, they do not lie in the sphere of sex and ardor, but nevertheless they are somehow attached to his woman, which means that with the right application of effort, a lot can be achieved. And here the main thing is accuracy and understanding.
What if the husband doesn't want a wife?
At its core, a person is a bundle of desires. Each of us has many desires, they are all different and most often completely unconscious of us. Our whole life depends on these desires, including sexual preferences. If a woman finds the desires of her man (as they say, the strings of the soul), then she can be a sexual object of desire for him all his life, regardless of how much time has passed since the beginning of the relationship: 3 years or 20.
Today, human desires are described in the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan, they are decomposed into 8 vectors. Several illustrative examples can be cited, in which it becomes obvious why the husband's desire for his wife fades away in a couple.
So, if a man has a skin vector, the novelty factor is very important for him. The same posture, the same bed quickly become boring. I want something new and unusual. This is especially evident if the leatherworker does not have the opportunity to realize his desire for novelty, for example, at work or at home. Everything in his life is the same, and even sex is the same. His normal reaction is boring, not interesting. By the way, it is men with a skin vector that most often say directly to their women: “I don’t want you, I don’t like you”.
The exact opposite type is a man with an anal vector. He is a man of quality and does not like fuss. Including in bed. The result is important to him, he is caring. He cares about cleanliness, the docility of his wife, well-groomed children, the cosiness created in the house, and that the slippers are in their place. You cannot rush him, rush him, this disturbs his rhythm. He is committed to tradition and he likes everything that has already been tried a hundred times.
Let's imagine a situation that is pretty commonplace for any couple. 3 years have passed, the former desires of men for their women have faded. Both the anal and the cutaneous. What are their wives doing? They make mistakes.
The skinner's wife is often a woman with an anal vector. Through herself, she tries to please her husband: to create more comfort in the house, so that the children are clean and the house shines. She prepares a delicious dinner, she puts slippers in his place. She does everything except what is needed: variety. Interest is fading even more, a man seeks to stay longer at work, realizing his social aspiration: to earn and make a career. And my wife is disappointed: why does my husband not want sex with me, because I do everything for him?
And the wife of the anal sex (most often the skin), on the contrary, is trying to stir him up, to give newness to fading feelings. He invites him to have sex in the cinema toilet, buys silk sheets, a water mattress, looks for new positions in the Kama Sutra. All this brings stress to a man who is used to doing everything the same way. Experiments do not turn him on, on the contrary, he is repulsed. And if the house is also a mess at the same time, then write was gone. On weekends, he runs fishing, after work - to drink beer with friends. Why doesn't such a husband want to have sex with his wife? Because he falls into a stupor from her.
What if my husband says he doesn't want me?
The example with the cutaneous and anal vectors in husbands is just a fraction of our misunderstanding of each other. Each vector has its own desires and our lack of understanding repels them, adds hostility to an already unbalanced relationship. Quarrels, resentments, anger begin. Intense sex will no longer correct the situation, as it was at the beginning of the relationship. His power has gone irrevocably.
Various circumstances sometimes force us to make an important decision - to continue working, or to become a housewife with all the ensuing consequences. Most often, such a decision is made at the family council, together. Moreover, theoretically, everyone seems to understand the need for such a step, and the consequences, and the difficulties that will have to be faced, but, on the other hand, and noticeable relief in solving many problems, especially if there are schoolchildren in the family.
Only often, over time, the situation begins to change. A woman-housewife, having already brought household chores into some kind of system, suddenly begins to understand that in her life, in fact, there is no life itself. That is, personally, she herself has nothing new, no events, no prospects. Communication with people outside the home has been limited, an endless string of days similar to one another, like peas, stretches.
How women tolerate this depends on many reasons. Someone completely dissolves in the family and begins to live in the interests of the husband, children, at home. This is also a kind of happiness - a kind of dedication that brings satisfaction. Especially if all the efforts of a woman for the good of the family and at home are noticed and appreciated by this very family.
But many, after a while, begin to feel like a servant in the house, with whom they do not reckon too much. At the same time, she must keep up with everything, keep track of everything, and you can hear some objections: “You sit at home all day! Is it really so difficult ... ?! " Naturally, such an attitude forms, first of all, the attitude of the husband to his wife and to her contribution to family affairs.
Leaving work, a woman loses not only a certain independence and economic independence. The psychological stress can be very strong, which will certainly affect the family, family relationships. Preparing to devote herself to her family, a woman must definitely receive something in return - an incentive that will fill her life with special meaning.
“Until my daughter went to first grade, I worked in a state institution, from call to call. And then I was offered a home-based job. It was convenient: I took the child to school, returned home, "sat" on the phone, as required by a new job, cooked, cleaned, followed my daughter, taught her lessons, washed, ironed and waited for my husband to return from work.
And then the company that hired me fell apart, and I became a housewife. I have no time to sit idly by, but the problems are growing every day. The main one is the relationship with her husband. Increasingly, I began to suspect him of treason, react with tears even to his completely harmless remarks. I try to explain my condition to him, but he either keeps silent, or says that I am a fool.
Here he is going to some event, I say: "Take me with you!" And he declares that I will not be interested there. But if I go somewhere, then on his part there is a lot of discontent. I have to be at home always! If my husband is late, he doesn't even consider it necessary to call me. I understand: the whole trouble is that I am sitting at home. If I had a job, my husband would reckon with me. To live only as a family, at home, "stewing in your own juice" is insanely difficult.
My friends envy me: "Well, you don't have to sit at work from morning to evening, report to someone ...". “If you only knew whom you envy,” I answer them: “Stay in my shoes, you will understand what's what!” In general, after the New Year, I start a new life - I go out to my old job, despite the objections of my husband. And I want to say to all women: “Before agreeing to settle down at home, think ten times. You can be very sorry! "
When one of the spouses has feelings pass, it is the hardest stress. Any change in a relationship for the worse is especially painful for a woman, since it is vital for her to be loved and desired. It is very difficult to admit the fact that a man has fallen out of love, so many wives continue to deceive themselves and play in an ideal family. This position is very dangerous because it presupposes inaction. It is much wiser to admit the problem and try to figure out what to do if the husband does not love his wife. What signs can indicate this?
Direct "evidence" or hidden hints?
Typically, a wife does not need direct evidence that she is no longer loved. This manifests itself even in small things, you just need to stop “hiding your head in the sand” and analyze your husband's behavior. Psychologists advise paying attention to a whole range of factors that explain how a husband behaves if he does not love his wife.
The main signs of dislike
Do I need to keep my family together?
If the husband does not love his wife, what should she do? This is the first question a woman must answer herself. To make it easier to make a decision, you need to evaluate all the pros and cons of your man and understand whether you need to fight for him. Divorce is never easy, but living with a husband who has no feelings left is also hard. Not every woman is ready to live with the hope that her husband will love her again.
Exits from the situation
Psychologists assure that, finding herself in such a position, a woman can choose one of two options:
- To part, if there is no certainty that feelings will return, and do not torment either yourself or your husband.
- Try to bring back the love that has died.
Can a husband love again?
Life is unpredictable, so this outcome is quite likely. But for this, a woman must make some effort. First of all, you need to remember how the relationship began, and what initially attracted the man. After analyzing the relationship, the wife must realize her mistakes, because for sure they were. It is useless to shift the blame only to the husband, this position is doomed to failure.
There are always signs that the husband does not love his wife. What signs may indicate this - you need to figure it out. A woman knows her spouse best of all, so it will not be difficult for her to identify the factors provoking irritation. It is worth starting work on a relationship by eliminating the reasons that displease the husband.
Sometimes in such cases a joint trip or a weekend spent together will be indispensable. The ability to retire and have a quiet conversation is an important step towards mutual understanding.
There is always a difficult situation if the husband does not love his wife. What to do is up to the woman to decide. When she wants to return her husband's love, do not impose yourself and become his shadow - this will push him away and cause a new wave of irritation. You can't show your loneliness and longing. A confident and happy woman is much more attracted to. In order for a husband to look at his wife with different eyes, she must also believe in her attractiveness and exclusivity. It is unlikely that a husband wants to idolize a woman who does not believe in herself.
Honor and praise
Any man loves to be admired. This is an integral part of their nature, and many wise women take advantage of this. When a wife praises her husband and emphasizes his dignity, he feels confident next to her, and will constantly return for a new portion of admiration.
Probably every woman thinks from time to time: if the husband does not love his wife, what signs should be present. Joint conversations on topics that are interesting to both will help to renew old feelings. A woman can surprise her spouse with her knowledge in various fields and show that she is smart and educated.
If the decision is made to leave ...
Family life is not easy, so it often ends in divorce. When people have different values and perceptions of the world, it is not easy for them to find a common language and keep love. At the beginning of a relationship, very little attention is paid to this fact, it seems that all difficulties are surmountable. But when feelings cool down, optimism quickly disappears, and often a situation arises when the husband does not love his wife. Any wife knows what signs will help determine this.
If a woman realizes that she is not ready to live with a man who does not love her, she decides to leave him. In such cases, resentment and misunderstanding do not allow an objective assessment of the situation, but it is worth making an effort on yourself and parting correctly. There is no need to accuse your husband of dislike, it is better to try to accept reality and let him go. Perhaps then the relationship will move to a new level, and everyone will be able to live their own life.
What do the experts say?
If the husband does not love his wife, the advice of a psychologist comes down to one thing - to analyze the relationship and future prospects. It is important to understand that all vapors feel cooling at a certain period of time. When the cold drags on, the woman begins to understand that, perhaps, her husband has stopped loving her. One gets the impression that he lives his own life, in which she has no place.
Each family may have its own reasons why it seems that the husband does not love his wife. Signs should be considered only in combination. Psychologists believe that most often feelings cool down due to the fact that there was not enough emotional closeness between the spouses. Misunderstanding leads to the fact that the couple cannot find a compromise and come to an agreement. Problems build up, irritation builds up, and fights don't fade away.
What to do?
When a woman realizes that her husband has lost interest in her, she thinks about how to return his feelings. But first of all, it's worth figuring out: is it necessary to do this? Often, attempts to call a man into a conversation end in failure, since he is unlikely to discuss his feelings.
To avoid another scandal, a woman should express her thoughts calmly and judiciously, without stopping to insults. How does a husband behave if he does not love his wife? By his behavior, intonation and words, one can understand whether there is a chance to restore the family or whether you need to come to terms with reality.
When a relationship is like a game with only one goal, the wife needs to think about herself and remember that she, too, has the right to be happy. There is no need to continue meaningless conversations and do all you can to keep your husband. Such actions will not lead to the creation of a strong family, but will bring new disappointments and the collapse of hope.
A woman should realize that, clinging to her back, she will never feel needed and desired. Sometimes loneliness is much more pleasant than constant torment and suffering, so you should not be afraid of it. In addition, it’s time to find peace of mind and harmony, which will be useful for building new relationships. It is important to realize that your own happiness does not depend on the actions of other people, it is achieved as a result of painstaking inner work on yourself.
For help - to the church
If the husband does not love his wife, the questions the woman asks the priest will help her learn to believe in the best. You need to appreciate life, notice the elementary joys and know that God sends only those tests that a person can withstand.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello! My name is Yulia, I am 26 years old. My husband is 27 years old. Married for 7 years. Daughter is 4 years old. A month ago, we started a problem: my husband does not want physical contact. The husband does not kiss, does not hug, there is no intimacy. There is no mistress, since he is always at home, does not stay late at work and does not travel somewhere without me. Literally in August, he still admired me, flirted, said that he loved me. And everything went abruptly. He answers all my questions: everything is fine, I just don't want anything. He says that he has no problems. He says that perhaps everything will return, but when he does not know. Of course, in the end, I started to freak out, saying that I would leave him, get a divorce. To which he replied: if you want, get a divorce. But he does not directly say that he does not like. It seems to be necessary, does not want to leave and will worry if I leave.
We live with his parents. We have good relations. Today I talked to my mother-in-law, she of course told us everything that we, as children, are ruining a good family. As a result, my husband did not even try to tell me something ... He does nothing to improve relations. It hurts and hurts me. And I don't know how to get everything back.
Yesterday he told me that he is not afraid of losing me.
I love him very, very much I want to return everything, but I do not know how. I already said let's go for the sake of the child. And he keeps repeating that everything is fine, he just does not want contacts.
We have never had this, so I am in shock. It seems that he has decided everything for himself and that I do not speak, he just listens and that's it.
I also try to involve him in something in common. Rearrangement in the room, call to the cinema or just go somewhere to relax. He refuses everything. True, he agreed to go and choose a gift for his daughter for her birthday.
In general, it is clear from his behavior that he does not need me. All evening he sits in the online game "Tanks" and does not need anything else. I call him to a psychologist - he refuses.
My hands dropped. After all, we are still young, and I think there should not be such problems in the family yet.
He also says that he does not like that I am often unhappy and scream. Yes, of course I have a bad character. I say I will correct myself in order to improve relations, and in response he will be bored then. That is, he doesn't like it either way. Everything that is now completely suits him.
The question is answered by the psychologist Platonova Olga Valerievna.
Julia, hello!
Do I understand correctly, the situation lasts a month? Was everything all right before that?
Maybe something happened between you? If in August your husband showed interest in you, but now he ignores you. An incident that triggered such a reaction (stress, work, health, overwork, conflict)?
How much earlier did your husband become active?
And how much, how long has your husband devoted time to computer games?
Often, computer games are a departure from various everyday problems or when previously valuable things become insignificant, a loss of value, in this case, to relationships. Also, going into games, detachment can occur due to fatigue and, if there is no motivation, energy, and in the presence of problems of a different nature, then the easiest way is to get away from them.
I believe that in this situation you should change the tactics of your behavior: you are active, your husband is passive (there is a big difference between your states). Perhaps he is not ready for action now, and the more you are active, the more he withdraws. Try to lower the intensity, pause, start behaving in a new way, act slowly, without pressure.