Straight talk: rules, subtleties, pitfalls. Straight Talk: How to Conduct It

18.05.2019

Marina Nikitina

Sometimes in a relationship there comes a moment when one of the partners feels the need to speak out, but the fear of being misunderstood, a sense of shame, pride, and sometimes elementary politeness prevent you from starting a conversation.

Where does this feeling come from and why speak frankly at all, and most importantly, how to do it correctly?

As a rule, women tend to sort things out more often than men, since they are conventionally considered more emotional. Men, on the contrary: in every possible way, avoid talking heart to heart, considering it the lot of the weaker sex and a manifestation of male weakness. But in this way, without realizing it, they cause harm to themselves: after all, by suffering in secret, they endanger mental health, not to mention relationships that take their own course.

In fact, men are as open-minded as women, talking about themselves all night long. Deep down, they want to fully open up, you just need to create the conditions for this:

gain the trust of a partner;
find the right moment;
find the right words.

What to expect from heart-to-heart conversations?

Sincerity is an enduring value that makes it easier for people to understand their relationships with each other. At the same time, it is a tool that requires skills and abilities.

There are people who find moments of revelation very difficult. Realizing that holding negative emotions within you will never get rid of problems, they continue to stubbornly remain silent. The reason for this behavior lies in, self-doubt, distrust in a partner.

In contrast, there is the other extreme - people who abuse frank conversations. Unfortunately, their revelations are not aimed at the good of the relationship, but rather are a demonstration of their weaknesses. Thus, they try to absolve themselves of responsibility for the mistakes they have made.

Frank conversations can affect relationships in different ways: distance or bring people closer. It all depends on the situation and on the ability to tactfully formulate your desires.

Lack of candor in a relationship leads to separation and alienation. This is a pattern.

Holding back dissatisfaction and keeping silent about the problems that make themselves felt, the couple can survive for some time. However, sooner or later, the conflict will mature and reach such a peak when the patience of one of them bursts, and the fermented mass of discontent will take the form of anger and burst out in the form of a stream of reproaches and insults, putting a fat end on the relationship.

If both partners are extremely patient and not aggressive, another option is possible: stagnation in the relationship, which will lead to the imperceptible.

The purpose of having a frank conversation

Any problem is always easier to prevent than to cope with its consequences later and try to fix everything.
In cases where one is good, and the other suffers, restraint and patience are no longer virtues, but hypocrisy. Why?

Think for yourself: to feel one thing, to say another, to do a third - such self-sacrifice is unjustified even for the sake of preserving the family.

On the contrary, honest conversation: it helps to strengthen healthy relationships. And this is not a whim, as some think, but a method for solving problems, relieving stress and good conflict prevention.

The main thing is to learn how to do it correctly, without prejudice to yourself or others.

What's the best way to start?

Sometimes, a good start can get the whole conversation back on track and bring relief to both partners - that's ideal.

It is best to take your time and choose the appropriate moment when both are calm and in the mood for a conversation.

Avoid stressful, harsh phrases like “we need to talk”, which can immediately build a wall between the participants in the conversation.

Formulate the same thing a little differently, “I wanted to tell you something,” “I can talk to you. I'm worried ... "so that the partner feels a sincere note in his voice, a caring look of a loved one.

State your feelings

That is why it is so important to be able to speak. Hints, even the most obvious ones, can be ignored or not understood due to the peculiarities of male perception.

After you start, tell your partner how you feel, what worries you about yourself or him. What are you afraid of, what way do you see the way out, offer a choice of options.

Then let your partner speak: prepare to think it will take him a little longer than you expect.
It is important to listen to the person to the end, to see the situation through his eyes.

clothe requirements in the form of requests or wishes if you want your partner to listen to you: frank direct demands and frank conversation are not the same thing. Claims can hurt a relationship because they are nagging;
keep in mind that a man is more vulnerable than a woman, try so that your criticism does not hurt his self-esteem;
be honest and frank yourself, you cannot call your partner to be frank with cunning tricks, playing with feelings.

March 1, 2014

Instructions

First of all, you need to worry in advance about how to create the appropriate atmosphere for the upcoming conversation. hungry or has not yet come to his senses after work, do not be offended by monosyllabic answers. Give him time so that he can get the work out of his head. Then he will be ready to listen carefully to you.

More often than not, girls who want to talk frankly with their own make the same common mistake. They begin the conversation with a killer phrase: "We need to talk." In such a situation, men are prone to panic; possible scenarios are immediately scrolled in their head: you want to leave him, you are pregnant, or something even more frightening. If there are problems in your relationship and you want to discuss solutions with your boyfriend, look for workarounds. For example, he did not behave in the best way towards you, and you want to get to the bottom of the reason for this behavior. Begin to remember the time when you were truly happy, and then at ease ask a philosophical question: "I wonder why everything has changed so recently ...". This approach can lead to a more constructive conversation.

Choose your words carefully during the conversation. Remember that overly emotional coloring in a conversation can make a guy panic. Try to avoid the following words: "future", "past", "sorry", "goodbye", "late", "needs", "more", "someone" ...

When talking with your partner, you should consider male psychology and an analytical mind. For example, you should not ask a lengthy question: “What are you now?”, Rather ask: “What are you thinking about now?”. This simple method really works.

Another common female mistake is to gaze directly into the eyes of your chosen one during a conversation. Believe me, men feel uncomfortable with such a look. It’s important for guys to feel protected too, and in this situation, you don’t give him any chance to do so. It is best to start a heart-to-heart conversation in bed, preferably after intimacy: closeness of bodies, no glances - in such a situation, you can be frank. In addition, when a man hugs you, he feels protected, realizing that the situation is under his control.

Words solve many problems. Unfortunately, they are often created during conversations... Therefore, you need to be extremely careful in the conversation, especially if your opponent is reluctant to make contact or completely refuses it.

Instructions

Choose the right time. The same offer may be perceived differently by your interlocutor, depending on the circumstances and his mood. It is better to start a conversation when your opponent is in no hurry and looks quite cheerful. If you are clearly aggressive towards you or upset about something, postpone the conversation, if possible.

Start the conversation with a neutral topic that interests the other person. To do this, you must know at least a little about his interests. Banal talks about the weather will not work here, because from the very first words it will be clear that this is not the true reason for your appeal to the interlocutor.

Try to ask more questions without being too intrusive. Before moving on to the main topic of the conversation, try to "talk" your interlocutor. Do your best to make him feel comfortable with you.

Start discussing the issue that interests you with a logical and well-reasoned explanation of its importance to you. Tell the other person about your concerns or hopes you have about the subject of the conversation. Demonstrate your interest in him.

Don't insist if your opponent refuses to make contact. Thus, you can only aggravate the situation. Say that you will come up with your proposal later, while trying to figure out why he refuses to talk to you. Eliminate these causes if possible.

Ask to speak with you in writing. If the person doesn't give you a chance to even meet him, send him a letter. Of course, there are no guarantees that he will definitely read it, but such an opportunity is still available.

Introduce a third party into the conversation. At the same time, keep in mind that it should take a neutral position and enjoy the authority of both you and your interlocutor. There is a possibility that your opponent will listen to his opinion and contact you.

Tip 9: What to do if a guy insults and then hugs and kisses

There is a model of relationships where there is a constant transition from love to hate. Young people sometimes quarrel, then violently reconcile. Or a young man constantly allows himself insults to his beloved, and then shows tenderness and care. What kind of relationship is this? How should a girl behave in such a relationship?

What does it mean, first offends, and then kisses

It is essentially an emotional roller coaster. In such a relationship, there is a constant transition from love to hate and back. Constant tension and intense emotions fuel the connection. From the outside it seems that such a relationship is quite. In fact, they can last for many years. This happens because the girl falls into a kind of dependence on the young man. After all, he expresses his love so violently after quarrels.

You shouldn't try to change a person

At the beginning of a relationship, both partners adjust to each other. They gradually figure out how best to deal with each other. With normal development, it is enough to literally several times express his displeasure about any actions of a young person in relation to her, so that he corrects his behavior. If this does not happen, you should not try to remake the guy's character. There is no need to hope that the girl with her love will be able to change him. If a man needs a relationship, he will do everything in his power, he will change his behavior himself in order to maintain this love.

When a guy insults a girl from time to time, and then violently apologizes, promising not to do this again, the girl should clearly understand that it is unlikely that something will change. It is important to make an informed choice: does she agree to such a relationship? Does she accept this young man for who he is?

Get out of the victim position

In its extreme expression, this model of relationship between a girl leads to domestic violence. Psychologically, there is not much difference between insults and physical violence: both are cruelty towards a woman.

It is important to understand that relationships are always built by both partners. Both man and woman contribute to them. It's easy to blame the guy who insults the girl for everything. Indeed, barbs directed at the weaker sex are ugly. But it means that the girl herself allows herself to be treated like that. She takes the position of the victim. First, she will allow herself to be insulted, then a slight slap in the face, and all ends with beatings.

Getting out of the victim's position can be quite difficult. And sometimes it is simply impossible without the help of others: close friends or, for example. The first step for this is realizing your benefits from a relationship with such a young man. The girl must clearly admit to herself what exactly she gets from such a relationship. After all, if she did not stop dating this guy after the first insult to her, then the relationship is of value to her. Most likely, both become addicted to adrenaline: reconciliation after a scandal and insults is usually very violent. The intensity of emotions persists constantly. Whereas in a healthy relationship, passionate love gradually weakens, giving way to calm love, respect and friendship. And from such a calm love, young people become bored.

Make an informed choice

If a girl herself understands well why she remains in a relationship with a young man, then she retains the levers of control over her life. She can make a conscious choice, and not blindly follow her man. The choice of each particular girl is whether to stay in a relationship where the guy allows himself insults towards her. But, even after stopping dating a guy, she needs to analyze her own behavior: why did she allow herself to be treated like that? After all, if the girl does not understand this, then she runs the risk of building a new relationship in which there will be the same problems with the young man.

With a loved one, we willingly discuss various topics: shopping, raising children, relations with neighbors, work, news, film premieres. And we almost never talk about sex, as if it means nothing in our life. But understanding in bed is the key to harmonious relationships, a strong and happy marriage. Sometimes questions arise that both partners should sort out and preferably as soon as possible!
Why are we silent

Olya (33 years old): “It is difficult for me to talk with my husband about what is happening in our bed. Of course, there is something that does not suit me in sex, but how to say about it? I feel uncomfortable and ashamed. "

Psychologist, sexologist Alena Donchenko: “Often we are silent about sex and are ashamed of this topic, and this is not surprising. These are echoes of parenting: in some families, talking about intimate relationships is considered inappropriate and unnecessary. This topic has been taboo for a long time. As a result, many people get information on how to behave in bed from books, TV shows, articles and videos on the Internet, but not from conversations with loved ones.

Men and women admit that they might want to tell their partner about their feelings, but cannot find the appropriate words and expressions. Therefore, they wait and hope that their loved ones will guess for themselves where the erogenous zones are located and which position they like best. But no matter how strong your partner's feelings may be, it will be difficult for him to solve such a riddle - everything is very individual.

Some do not touch on the topic of sex, because they are afraid of offending their soul mate. Suddenly, for example, a husband, after such a conversation, decides that he is untenable for his wife as a man. A woman is ready to endure dissatisfaction with sex life, so as not to underestimate the self-esteem of a loved one. Some representatives of the fair sex believe that after delicate revelations they will be considered spoiled and walking people and will simply be abandoned. "

Thoughts about sex

Sasha (26 years old): “Meeting and living with a person are two different things. After the wedding, we began to clash over any reason, for example, my wife always reproached me for not showing any tenderness to her at all. Although it seemed to me that I gave myself to her completely. For me, such a statement was completely unfounded. "

Psychotherapist, family psychologist, sexologist Alexander Chernousov: “Each of us has an individual perception of the intimate side of relationships. Therefore, it is very important to communicate in pairs to clarify exciting topics and painful issues. What for each of you serves as a manifestation of love and tenderness, a symbol of affection? How regularly and at what time do you want to have sex? Are you ready to experiment? When planning to conceive a child, etc. The answers to these questions will put a lot in their place, make the relationship more predictable, but at the same time closer.

A harmonious relationship is an understanding of the needs of a loved one, mutual trust. Sincerity and frankness are important in everything related to intimacy. A man who does not know anything about his woman's preferences will certainly not be able to please her. And the woman herself will not be able to hide the absence of orgasm for a long time: sooner or later, dissatisfaction in bed will result in negative emotions, conflicts in the family. To get around such problems, honestly discuss everything about sex. "
Sexual diplomacy

Corina (35): “It happens that after work you feel overwhelmed. You come home, you still need to have time to learn lessons with the children, cook dinner. And what to do in such a situation if the desire for sex is completely absent? "

Psychotherapist, sexologist Andrei Pelevin: “Household problems, fatigue can drown out the desire for sexual intercourse. Yet sex is fundamental to marriage and cannot be completely ignored. Another thing is the timing and taking into account the characteristics of the temperament of each of the partners: often there is a discrepancy between the peaks of activity and sexual needs of the spouses. What to do? Find a compromise! If today you have a complete idyll in a relationship, talk about your needs and desires in order to avoid quarrels about this. To avoid misunderstandings, find out if your partner enjoys spontaneous or morning sex. It is possible that you will have to literally discuss the schedule of "intimate dates".

For a conversation on such delicate topics to be successful, conduct it without comparisons or accusations, since this style of conversation lowers the partner's self-esteem. A man will be grateful to his wife if she sincerely expresses what she wants, without bashful "oohs and sighs." And, of course, he will take an interest in his desires. Discuss the essence of the issue concretely and in a mild form, do not throw offensive words, do not use excuses: “I just don’t want to” or “I don’t like it, and that’s all.” It will be more correct to explain to your partner why you are not ready, what is embarrassing, in order to further bring changes in your intimate life that will benefit both partners. "

Words can be dispensed with

Zoya (41 years old): “I am very shy in matters of intimacy, despite the warm relationship with my husband. And so I'm thinking, maybe about what I want, in some way to hint? "

Doctor-sexologist, Mikhail Ivanov: “Frank communication between partners is a sign of a trusting relationship. But if a person experiences discomfort at the thought that he will have to talk about “this” directly, then the option of using another method of informing is acceptable. For example, you can show your partner a suitable movie, write a letter, etc. Get creative! Although it is impossible to completely exclude a frank conversation on the topic of sex. And if some terms confuse you, make up your own dictionary of intimate designations with your loved one. "

Let's forget about complexes

Marina (32 years old): “I am always embarrassed in bed, because in my head there are a swarm of thoughts: how I look, does my husband see all my shortcomings, etc. For this reason, I restrain myself, I do not show the passion that is actually raging inside of me".

Psychologist, sexologist Alena Donchenko: “There is probably no woman who would be 100% satisfied with her figure and appearance. And if in bed you often underestimate your self-esteem, and thereby limit intimate affection and actions, this behavior will not have the best effect on your relationship with your husband. The man does not even know that you are ashamed of your tummy, stretch marks, plump hips and other things. But he will perceive your restraint as a result of his ineptitude, lack of sexuality, he will think that the reason for your behavior is himself. But men also have "days of complexes" when they feel "not at their best." Talk about your complexes frankly - together it will be much easier for you to cope with problems, often just far-fetched. "

When there is no sex

Andrey (43 years old): “For two months now, my wife and I have not had sex. I tried several times to change the situation, but all my attempts turned out to be nothing. What happened, I can't understand, until recently everything was fine, and she even liked to initiate sex herself. "

Psychotherapist, family psychologist, sexologist Alexander Chernousov: “Lack of intimate relationships happens from time to time in the lives of some married couples. It doesn't matter if it happened gradually or suddenly. The main thing is to find out: why did this happen? And what should be done to regain the lost intimacy? As a rule, there is always an objective reason for the lack of sexual intercourse: suspicion of treason, health problems, hidden resentment towards your soul mate, depression, fatigue, etc. In this case, you cannot do without a sincere conversation. He will help partners find out the cause and together find a solution to the problem. It is quite possible that in the process of restoring healthy sexual relations you may need the help of specialists: a sexologist, a psychologist. "

There comes a time when a frank conversation is inevitable. Where to start so as not to frighten the interlocutor? Where is the best place to organize a meeting and how to behave? In this article, we will answer these questions and tell you how we are manipulated through sincere conversations.

What is a frank conversation

Straightforward conversation is communication for cleanliness, without trickery, deceit or deception. To speak frankly means to exchange sincere feelings, sensations, thoughts.

The most common topics of frank conversation:

Sex, intimacy... They talk about this quite truthfully with adolescents in the framework of sex education. Partners, sexologists, bloggers, etc., are frankly discussing the topic.
Relationships with people... We all have different feelings - irritation, admiration, love, hatred, and so on. It is customary to express emotions and feelings in relation to others in conversations “to the point”.
Diseases... The topic is revealed in the context of psychosomatics, in the process of examination. It is discussed most often in a circle of loved ones.
Introspection, remorse... Reminds me of having a frank conversation with myself. The topic is relevant during periods of age crises - 18, 25, 30, 40 and 50 years.

Straight talk is a tool for effective communication

Heart-to-heart conversation:

helps to better understand each other;
brings family and friends closer;
resolves conflicts;
eliminates misunderstandings, feelings of guilt or resentment, pride, and so on.

Straight Talk: Pitfalls

True stories, personal feelings and other details can play a cruel joke with the one who discovered them. You never fully know what a person really thinks about you and how your relationship will develop further.
The difficulty of such communication is that, trying to look better, we do not speak from ourselves, but from ourselves as we want to be. Then where does sincerity begin?
Excessive frankness spoils relationships with loved ones. Talking about the secret, we bind a person with the obligation to keep our secrets. Did he ask us for such an honorable mission? The feeling of responsibility for other people's problems does not bring them closer, but removes them.
Each has its own truth. It is advisable not to forget that it is too subjective in order to spread it at every opportunity. Our truth can offend, hurt, distort reality.
By expressing thoughts too openly, we are broadcasting a label on ourselves. For example, by openly expressing our conservative views on the life of the country, we become conservatives for others. What if the train of thought turns to liberalism in a couple of minutes? It will be difficult to convince you of the sincerity of your views.

Important rules: how to start a frank conversation, conduct it and end it

Choose a place for communication, determine the time

All participants should be comfortable. And, therefore, it is better to conduct a conversation in a neutral territory - an unpretentious cafe, in a park or other uncrowded place. To concentrate and relax, you need relative silence, a pleasant atmosphere.

You can worry about the decorations that tune in to emotional communication: delicious tea or coffee, pleasant sounds (birds singing, the sound of the sea wave), a light aroma - flowering plants, incense.

Psychologists believe that the best time for serious communication is the period from 10:00 to 12:00 in the morning, when the body is invigorated after sleep, but is not tired yet. It is highly undesirable to start a frank conversation when the person is hungry, sick, irritated, tired or sleepy.

Choose your words carefully

Starting with the phrase: “We need to talk seriously is one of the biggest mistakes. The replica puts an end to the dialogue that has not yet begun, since the interlocutor subconsciously closes itself. He, sensing danger, wants one thing - to retire. This is what our parents told us when they were going to scold and this is how the lovers begin their farewell monologue.

Psychologists say that the most important thing for successful communication is a positive attitude, disposition, and benevolence. Therefore, it is undesirable to perceive the upcoming conversation as decisive. You need to treat her as an attempt to establish contact. Smile, ease of movement, simplicity of words. For example: "To be honest, then ...", "I'm wondering how ...", "I'll be honest ...".

Avoid pronouns "you", "you"

Phrases like "You can't hear me!" or “You don’t want to change” is better modeled like this: “I think it’s difficult for you to understand me” / “It’s probably hard for you to change your habits”. Being careful with pronouns, adding words with a tinge of uncertainty is a course for a good negotiation result.

Express a thought clearly

Coming from afar, we risk to tire the interlocutor, to lose the thread of the dialogue, to achieve no result. No matter how difficult it is, your point of view must be clearly formulated and expressed. The most important thing is to be sincere now. If the interlocutor notices falsity, he will not open. It is bold enough to tell about your fears, feelings, wishes. A small confession will turn a frank conversation into an active phase.

Listen to the interlocutor

For the dialogue to have a result, one must not only speak up, but also listen to the partners. It is advisable neither to interrupt, nor to comment, to give as much time for the utterance as the person himself wants to take.

To summarize

Do not hesitate to ask again, to clarify what the parterre meant. Ambiguity is the main enemy of a clean conversation. If we do not fully understand something, then we begin to think out, fantasize, "wind up".

Straight talk as a way to manipulate

Some deliberately master the art of frank conversation in order to use others for their own purposes. Others do it unconsciously. In order not to fall into a communication trap, you need to know where it is being placed.

Sometimes leaders tell a couple of their secrets to subordinates in order to bring them closer to them for manipulation. The subordinate, feeling like a "special" colleagues, whom the boss himself has trusted, agrees to overtime, additional tasks, endless requests.
Telling the shocking truth is a way to discourage the interlocutor, to make him vulnerable. Feeling awkward, a person ceases to think clearly, unable to think about a decision.
If the goal is to ferret out important information, the manipulator will not ask questions directly. He will start a frank conversation by telling something intimate about himself, make him sympathize or admire, and only then he will go on the offensive.
Before the interview, one of the applicants for the position casually begins to talk about his achievements, victories, and recommendations. What is he doing? Psychologists are sure that he skillfully manipulates, lowering the self-esteem of others before an important meeting. The most vulnerable participants begin to slouch, lose confidence.

How to find out that we have a manipulator

It is worth ending the conversation by asking, "Do I really need to know this?" If the interlocutor argues why he started a frank conversation, you can continue it. But if in response there are reproaches in the style: "I am to you with all my heart, and you spit at her!", It's time to withdraw.

You can get away from the annoying communicator by referring to the inability to keep secrets or the unwillingness to talk about difficult topics.

If it's time to start a frank conversation, use our article as a quick guide to conducting it. Be aware of the dangers and manipulations that other people can use against you.

Each couple sooner or later faces the need to discuss the prospects of the relationship or any personal problems, but how to start this straight Talk? What if your beloved says exactly what you are not ready to hear? TopCity will tell you how to have a frank conversation.

It is always difficult to start a serious, honest conversation.... Fear of such clarification of the relationship, according to psychologists, is associated with the uncertainty and unpredictability of the result. It is especially difficult for those couples who are not married and have rarely encountered this kind of conversation. The fear of being misunderstood, rejected, or the fear of a violent reaction from a partner makes you postpone a frank conversation for later. However, sooner or later, it still needs to be started.

Point 1: find the right words

Unfortunately, there is no “catchphrase” to start any frank conversation.... However, there is a phrase that can put an end to the discussion of important issues without starting it: "We need to talk." These words sound ominous, alert and incline the interlocutor to escape from the discussion. It is highly likely that this conversation will not be positive. Psychologists recommend not to take a frank conversation as the last and most important in your life. Approach it easier, start it with the phrase "Let's discuss one thing with you" with a slight smile on your face. So you can win over the interlocutor and tune in to a positive wave.

Point 2: minimum expectations

Before you bring your soul mate into a frank conversation, think about the fact that your expectations from the conversation may not coincide with reality. You should not dwell on your interests, emotions, requirements. Think about the fact that all people are different, and your chosen one may perceive a frank conversation in a different way, not the way you expected.

Point 3: State Your Desires and Requirements Clearly and Deliberately

When discussing the issue, clearly and clearly convey to the interlocutor your desires and requirements... Ask your partner about his desires, let him express his opinion and his requirements. You should not agree with your beloved in everything, sacrificing your own opinion. Express your point of view, remain yourself, then your partner will treat you with respect. Do not be afraid to talk about your concerns so that the other person understands that you are honest with him, which means you trust him.

Psychologists recommend avoiding the use of the pronoun "you" when clarifying personal relationships.... Say the words "me", "me", "you", "me" more. The phrase "You do not understand me", or others like that, sounds like a reproach. Better to say: "I see, it is difficult for you to understand me" or "I will not understand you." It is more likely that it is to these words that your partner will listen faster, and from phrases using "you" will be covered with protective armor.

When you are having a frank conversation, do not hesitate to ask again and clarify if you understood your partner correctly.... Also, do not forget to be interested in whether they understood you correctly, express yourself as clearly as possible, avoid ambiguity.

It is important to take seriously the choice of the place where the frank conversation will take place.... It is better to choose a neutral territory, for example, a park, square or a cozy cafe. You should not discuss relationship problems in the evening, when fatigue takes all your strength, and after stressful events, such as an exam, interview, or business meeting.

TopCity told how best to spend straight Talk... Strive for a constructive dialogue, then your conversation will be beneficial, without negativity and bring results.