Is it worth talking about your goals? Do you need truth in a relationship? Do I need to tell everything to my husband

"Business time" - Table of losses of working time. Where can I get the time? The same happens with our time. (Strip chart). The Gantt chart is named after Henry Gantt. Each segment corresponds to its task. The tasks that make up the plan are arranged vertically. Planning leads to the release of time. Eisenhower Matrix.

"Epic Lesson" - Discussion of the work plan of students individually or in a group - 1 lesson, 15 minutes. Students' independent work on discussing each assignment in a group - 1 lesson, 10 minutes. Fundamental question: Do you need knowledge about epics and epic heroes? "Epic and epic heroes". They will embody their knowledge, skills and abilities in the production of booklets, drawings, presentations.

"Epic" - Alyosha Popovich is merciless to the enemies of the Russian Land. The epics were performed by storytellers-guslars. Epics are divided into two cycles: V. M. Vasnetsov "Bogatyrs" Guarding the Russian land. The sea princess listens to Sadko's singing. A storm broke out at sea. Sadko visiting the sea king. Vladimir Monomakh. Life is one of the main epic genres of church literature.

"Russian epics" - Avdotya-ryazanochka. Alyosha Popovich and a red maiden. Danube is born. Svyatogor and the blacksmith of fate. Svyatogor hands over the sword to Ilya Muromets. Svyatogor. Svyatogor and Ilya Muromets. Volga and Mikula Selyaninovich. Sadko and the king of the sea. Heroes of Russian epics. Dobrynya Nikitich, Ilya Muromets and Alyosha Popovich. Dobrynya makes fun of the snake special.

"Russian Bogatyrs" - Glory to these days to bogatyrs - defenders of the Motherland. ... On the high hills there is Kiev-grad. Russia shook off the shaggy horde from the shoulders of the mighty. And beyond the forest there are steppes without end and edge. The prototype of Alyosha Popovich is considered to be Alexander the Brave (hero). Heroes. Do not gallop enemies on our land! Since the time is anxious, war heroes are needed.

"Portraits of Writers" - Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy. Nikolai Vasilyevich Gogol. Portrait of the poet M.Yu. Lermontov, 1837. Portraits of Russian poets and writers. Afanasy Afanasyevich Fet. Alexander Nikolaevich Ostrovsky. Mikhail Yurjevich Lermontov. Fedor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky. Mikhail Evgrafovich Saltykov. Perov V.G. Portrait of A.N. Ostrovsky, 1871.

Psychologists suggest answering the question: “Imagine that your whole life, from the beginning to this moment, has been filmed on videotape. Do you agree to show it to your loved one? "

The answer depends on what we mean by frankness. , of course, it is not necessary, especially if these facts may come out sooner or later anyway. Each of us has the right to have a personal space, closed even for the closest people. Why strip naked if you are not asked to, and turn yourself inside out? Everyone has the right to have secret caches of the soul, intended only for personal use. They can be opened in front of a doctor or priest.

There are people who are downright tempted to tell their loved one everything without hiding. Let's remember the famous American television series Sex and the City. His heroine Kerry proved to her friends that there should be no secrets between loved ones. But after some time, a situation occurred that showed that such declarations were not being carried to good terms. Kerry frankly told her beloved, Aidan, that she met an ex and they had sex, it happened by accident, unintentionally. She said that she was sorry for what happened and asked for forgiveness. But Aidan couldn't forgive her. Leaving, he said: "I wish I didn’t know that ...". It turned out that due to the erroneously declared frankness of Kerry.

However, some psychologists believe that you still need to tell the truth. They are convinced that the deception will still be revealed, so they advise you to tell your partner everything and leave it to him to decide what to do. To do this, they advise you to choose the right time and be sure to assure your loved one that you love him. Then it will be easier for him to accept your confession.

But the psychologist Boris Novobozhkin I do not agree with this. Before turning his soul inside out, he offers think about what this information will bring to a partner... You should not burden a loved one with problems that he obviously cannot solve. It will only make him feel helpless.

Almost all of us have skeletons stored in a closet or in the far corner of a dusty mezzanine - should you absolutely empty them out? Many have had mistakes in their lives, mistakes of youth, etc. But why stir up something that is long gone?

True, there are details of the biography that need to be discovered. For example, a woman cannot have children, or she was once subjected to sexual violence and had a deep mental trauma, or one of her relatives had a criminal record, etc. This must be told in advance. There are people who, having learned long-hidden negative information, will not be able to come to terms with it and accept it, as a result they will demand a divorce. Therefore, such facts cannot be hidden.

But what to do if a husband or wife has serious health problems? For example, a wife needs to undergo an operation on the female part - should she share this with her spouse, or is it better to compose a different diagnosis? (By the way, many doctors do not recommend telling your spouse the truth).

It is clear that if we are talking about very serious health problems, then jokes aside, we need to think together how to solve the problem, and throw all our strength into getting better.

There is one more awkward moment. Is it permissible for a partner to report on his property (real estate, deposits, savings, etc.)? At first glance, the question seems wild. But people who have had to know that sometimes ex-spouses are ready to leave each other without a penny. Therefore, if you have significant property, you should consult with a lawyer before telling your partner about it. The best safety net for this is a prenuptial agreement. By the way, it can be concluded on any day of the marriage.

So, how do you answer the question: to tell your loved one the whole story or not? To do this, ask yourself is it important for you to be proud of your transparency and honesty, or your goal is to keep your family together. If the second is more important to you, do not overload your loved one with unnecessary information. Psychologists advise, first of all, to thoroughly understand for yourself why you want to pour out your soul. Before you open any information to a loved one, think about why you are giving it to him and how it will affect him.

Loving, sincere, warm relationships and the desire to turn the soul inside out are two different things. Before you say anything, make an informed decision, and let love be your clues,

— Let's always tell each other only the truth!

- Of course! How could it be otherwise - in our relationship there will be only truth.

- Well, yes, because you are my soul mate and should know everything, everything about me.

- Agree. No lies and secrets!

Isn't it painfully familiar dialogue? Surely you have had similar conversations in your life. When you really think that a lie destroys a relationship, but the truth is their main component, without which there is nowhere. And how painful it becomes because it is this very truth that served as the break of the once strong bonds. By the way, many relationship problems arise from the fact that women and men do not know how to talk to each other. On this topic, I recommend the article "Psychology of communication, or" Speak conversations, do not cook cabbage soup "" on our website .

It is clear that no one calls to lie, dissemble, play with a partner. The bottom line is that truth can be destructive if not used properly. Everything should be in moderation. This concerns feelings, love, emotions ... Too many, and a person runs the risk of drowning in them, drowning in his head. The same is true for truth. When it overflows, there is too much of it. A person is too exposed in front of another, becomes so open that that intrigue disappears, that zest that you want to unravel all your life. I also recommend that you study article “Is my mother right when she said that men should not tell the whole“ truth to the womb ”? Reply to the reader's letter "on the site" Sunny Hands " .

We are not angels, and in the past we have probably done things that we would like to forget. We ourselves find it difficult to accept them, but, nevertheless, we pour this vat of dirty water in the form of information on the head of our opponent. Here, they say, now I am clean in front of you! But in fact, you find yourself even dirtier in the eyes of your other half.

“So now lie? Not to tell your person? After all, he is my closest and dearest, which means he should know everything about me! " - so many will probably say.

No, don't lie. But! Even the truth should be dosed, it is necessary to know where, when and what kind of truth can be told, so that it is because of it that you do not end up at the bottom of the trough. Unclear? I'll try to explain with examples. It often happens that we think that if we tell the whole truth, we will be loved more. Like, this is how honest we are, how we know how to trust! This is usually done by insecure people who believe that there is nothing to love them for. If you are one of them too, I recommend that you purchase the book by Rashid Kirranov "How to become self-confident in 3 months" ... Details .

Once upon a time my young man, whose work is connected with business trips, left for a whole month. We talked on the phone regularly. It happened, however, that not every day. Counting the days before his arrival, I asked during the next telephone conversation, did he miss him? The answer didn’t make me happy, but put me in the stopper: “You know, there are so many things to do that there is no time to even get bored. Well, if that's the truth "... Looking ahead, I will say that when he returned a week later, it was really evident that he was bored. Apparently, then either the mood was bad, or the head was full of an important project. But! My mood has soured this whole damn week.

"Truth! Why do I need her? Really it was impossible to say that yes, he missed, he knew that I would not be delighted with what I heard. Oh, well, yes, we agreed not to lie to each other ", - thoughts bursting with me. And at the same time, anger at my young man. If you are going through a bad time with your loved one now, you often quarrel, and you know that the reason for this is your own behavior, read the article Anastasia Guy, editor-in-chief of the Sunny Hands website, “How to get rid of anger and aggression? Or my new family life. (Part 1)"

We know what our soul mates like and what they don’t. We know, and sometimes we behave like inquisitors, torturing them with this notorious truth. In order not to upset a person, not to cause a quarrel or conflict, it is necessary to filter the information. Well, imagine: you know some weakness of your loved one. He is nervous about the important task ahead and says out loud that he will not succeed, that he is too weak for this task. What do you agree to by saying, yes, dear, in this matter you are not up to par. Truth! And if you say that he is the best, that only he is worthy of the award - that will be a lie. But it is she who will bring a positive effect. And do not offend the person, giving him strength and confidence, and the relationship will not be spoiled. By the way, read also article "What is the most important thing for a man in life?" on the site "Sunny Hands" ... She will help you better understand your chosen one.

And it also happens the other way around: a person does not immediately bring down the truth, but endures, accumulates information within himself, knowing that he can offend his beloved (beloved). Only here you need to understand which truth is really worth hiding, and which one can, or rather, it is necessary to teach so carefully, accurately that even a person will not be offended, and you yourself will cease to suffer from what really annoys you. Example: my friend Larisa can afford not to work and run a household. She especially likes to pamper her husband with various culinary delights. But how does she know that the faithful cannot stand canned sweet peas, which she loves to add to all kinds of dishes ?! He didn’t tell her about it. And he did not speak, because he saw with what enthusiasm and zeal Larissa was trying to please him. Well, how can you answer negatively to the question: “Did you like it? Tasty? ”When the loving and loving eyes of your wife are looking at you. So Edik endured, endured, until in the process of some insignificant quarrel he blurted out that he got this pea, he hates him! Of course, peas have nothing to do with it, he just became an excuse to let off steam on his wife. Larissa drew her own conclusions: since he lied for so long about such seemingly nonsense, it means that he is deceiving her in other ways. And in general, it turns out that their whole life is a complete farce and a lie! The couple reconciled, but Larisa still had a worm of mistrust inside, and it’s not easy to live with him. And only… some kind of peas! Off topic, but I'll draw your attention. We have on the site "Sunny Hands" a section appeared "Delicious recipes" , where you can find options for dishes for a variety of occasions - for a holiday, every day - and not only with peas! (joke). For example, salad recipes look .

Very often, thinking that we are protecting our loved ones from unnecessary information, we only make it worse. After all, you can carefully say, they say, this dress is very beautiful, but “this” color suits you much more. Instead: I hate red, take it off, it makes you look older. Or: very tasty, but next time you can add another instead of "this" spice? I have been allergic to her since childhood. And do not endure until a critical point comes and the person explodes like a projectile, spreading information all around. Knowing what to say and when is, of course, a matter of time. When you have already learned a person and you know what is pleasant for him and what is not, what will upset, and what he will perceive adequately. In accordance with this and present the truth.

Sometimes you think it's better to warn your opponent about some traits of your character. So to speak, lay out the whole truth about yourself at the beginning of your acquaintance, so that later he will not be deeply disappointed in you. Like, you warned! Only now it does not always work out well ...

My friend Lena really has a difficult character with a frequently changing mood. But knowing the mass of its positive features, somehow you do not focus on the "bangs". You look into the depth, not the surface. However, after another breakup with a man, she decided in advance to warn the next boyfriend about her shortcomings. Moreover, it is tough and categorical. I met a good, calm guy Matvey. He liked Lena for her cheerfulness, lightness, sociability and kindness. He noticed that along with these good qualities, there is also a certain imbalance in her: the girl is now one, then another. But it was for Matvey that such a temperament suited him, he himself was stable and constant - he wanted some kind of contrast in life. But Lena persistently persuaded him that she was not sugar, that Matvey would suffer with her. She herself planted a seed of suspicion and insecurity in the soil of their relationship. The guy no, no, but began to think: maybe it's not in vain that she says all this to herself? Maybe you really need to do your legs before it's too late? And did. On the topic of different temperaments, I recommend on the site "Sunny Hands" .

We do not always treat ourselves objectively. Someone may think all his life that he, for example, has the worst nose in the world, but for someone this nose will be the best. It happens that we flaunt some character traits, thinking that they will attract attention, but in fact they only repel. Perhaps it is better to be yourself, not trying to prove something to someone? People will make their own conclusions about who you are. You should not impose an opinion about yourself, thereby digging your own grave. For someone you are white, for someone black, you cannot please everyone, and you don’t need to. The person who loves will be able to see the best in you. And you don't need to tune it in the opposite way, destroying your own happiness.

There is a truth that, like a heavy burden, poisons the life of the very same person. It is true about any unseemly deeds that happened, as a rule, out of youth, out of stupidity. Not every adult will be able to accept this truth. Yes, the one who loves will accept you by anyone, and soiled too. And, perhaps, some facts of your biography should be covered by the person with whom you live and whom you trust. But there are moments when a person behaves like an egoist, dumping a stone from his soul onto another. This happened with Kirill, the husband of my friend. At one corporate party, where everyone was pretty drunk, he succumbed to temptation and ... cheated on his wife. I changed it for the first time in my life, which I really regretted. He walked gloomier than a cloud, realizing that he had betrayed the woman who loved him. He suffered, scolded, reproached himself for his weakness. And, unable to withstand remorse, he took and confessed everything to Karine. Has it become easier for him? Yes. The man got rid of the stone on his soul, handing it over to his wife, like a baton. This is a selfish truth. He saw that girl at the party for the first and last time, she was from another city and there could be no question of any continuation of the novel or revenge on her part. But Cyril preferred to tell everything, because he could not bear this burden alone. It is easier to divide it in two and transfer some of the problems onto women's shoulders. Now Karina was tormented, like Kirill recently, how could this happen, why? Unfortunately, such stupid cheating happens quite often. If you are faced with a similar situation, advice may help you cope with your worries. from of the article “How to survive infidelity? Forgive or let go? " on the site "Sunny Hands" .

In such a situation, the person who made a mistake should, in theory, do everything to correct it. Telling the truth is the easiest, but not effective way to solve the problem. She stayed. By throwing our mistakes onto someone else, we not only hurt our loved one, but also exacerbate the situation, instead of directing all our efforts to save the relationship and save them from pain, disappointment and distrust.

The truth about our former relationship ... The most unnecessary of all truths. And not because there are a lot of skeletons in the closet, so to speak, but because ... why? Why go into great detail about the past when you have the present? Why savor details about ex-boyfriends, girlfriends, even if you are asked to? By the way, many believe that talking about a former love is quite normal. I recommend that you read on this topic. the article "Should I Talk About Past Relationships?" on the site "Sunny Hands" .

Yes, there was a relationship. Why did you break up? The views on life did not coincide or the characters did not agree - that's enough. But very often many make a big mistake, telling all the ins and outs of what happened: what he said, how he liked to dress, the nuances of romantic meetings, and so on.

A normal man, who is by nature a predator and conqueror, will think that his woman is too easy prey, since she has had so many romances. (On the topic of how to build relationships and successfully get married at Rashid Kirranov there is an excellent book "How to Fall in Love with a Man and Marry Successfully?" Book 3) Women, knowing almost everything about the "former", begins to gnaw inside a worm called suspiciousness. They start comparing themselves and her. And okay, if the comparison is in your favor, and if not? Self-criticism has not yet benefited anyone.

I have a friend who asks her men as much as possible about his passions. Not only that, she even stores a photo of her current boyfriend's ex-wife on her phone. "Katya, are you a masochist?" I ask her. To which she replied that she should know what her opponent looks like, albeit a former one ... A very strange desire, in my opinion. In this way, you yourself let the ghosts of the past into your life. A string of exes seem to be watching you from above and poisoning your current relationship. Personally, I'm not even interested in the name of my man's ex-girlfriend or wife. And, believe me, the less you know - the better you sleep. It works! I don’t keep photos of my ex-boyfriends either. I delete them from my phone, album and heart. Why do I need them? There are memories, there are experiences, conclusions, and a photo ... Well, what adequate person who is next to you will be pleased to know that you are sometimes looking at photos of your ex.

Here it is - the truth. This is sometimes necessary, necessary. But sometimes so destructive and interfering with building harmonious relationships. Learning to share it, to know when and what to say, and what should be kept secret for the benefit of the second person, is life wisdom. Not to say is not to deceive. This means protecting a person from unnecessary information that will bring nothing but pain. The main thing is to consciously understand that it is better not to speak and in what dosage to present the truth. By hiding and not speaking, we also destroy the union. Therefore, the truth, of course, is needed, but in moderation and in the right proportions.

Best regards, Mila Alexandrova.

I decided to write this story because I still don’t know the correct answer to how I should have acted then, three years ago. I was born in a small northern town, I saw my father only once, when he appeared on the threshold of our house and said: "Hello, Lena! I am your dad!" I was six, but the insult that he wrote a refusal from me played its part. I sharply answered that I already have a dad and left. Indeed, he was a stepfather, but this is not a dad ... Remembering my childhood experiences and grievances, I can say one thing, it was painful. I grew up, but the question of what he is, my dad never ceased to torment me. Mom did not like to tell, and then I realized that her memories are only one side of the coin. By the age of thirty, I was possessed by an irrepressible desire to find him, just to see, to see, to feel. I looked for him in every possible way, but nothing worked. Found it by chance, through a classmate, her friends, etc. A long chain led me to my dad. Communication by phone did not work, therefore, friends from the Internet were involved. The only thing, I was afraid that during this time he could die and during his lifetime we will not be able to communicate. The guys went to the address given by me and told the results of their visit. An old man came out with a stick, listened to them and answered, tell her that I was dead. I understand everything, a whole life has passed and all that ... What then took possession of me is difficult to say, probably resentment and anger, does not want to, don’t ... So many years have been wasted. Why did I need him so badly? I lived without him all this time! So I decided, I have lived and will continue to live. Six months have passed, I don’t know where friends of friends have appeared who are traveling through the city where my dad lives and are ready to convey the news ?! Again he appeared in my sky! By that time I had already calmed down, nothing bothered me, and then this unexpected news! I thought, I decided how to be, to write, or if he doesn't need me so much, maybe I shouldn't tear my soul ... I can't explain in words, some kind of inner message, as if my insides strive for him. In general, I wrote a letter about myself, about my family, that he has a grandson and attached photographs. When I was handing over the letter, the woman asked me why I needed it. She also had such a dad, she didn’t see him and doesn’t want to, and doesn’t understand me, it seems as though she condemns me. I could not explain to her reasonably, because I myself could not understand what was driving me. So it is necessary for some reason and that's all ... Two months later, friends reported, he took the letter. I saw Denis Zakharov by chance at the first educational, life gave me this gift, I do not know for what merits. On this site, in the section about myself, information was opened to me. I need to improve my relationship with a parent of the opposite sex. So I was not looking for him in vain? Subconsciously, this thought did not leave me, I had to find it. It is a pity that dad did not begin to communicate with me, but this is already a conscious choice and his life. Helena.

The Village noted that our readers are not only interested in city life, fashion, food and weekend plans. Often in ours, complex ethical issues are discussed. We did not disregard this: now The Village answers such questions with the help of experts in the field of ethics, psychology and sociology. In the new issue, we figure out whether it is possible to criticize former partners.

Vladimir Dashevsky

psychotherapist, candidate of psychological sciences

When two people break up, regardless of the reason for this, both partners experience a similar state, which psychologists call "grief work." At this moment, our psyche is trying to adapt to the changed conditions and come to terms with the loss. For the psyche, the care of a loved one is comparable in severity to death. It takes time to adapt to the changed conditions. For different people, the "work of grief" takes from several months to several years, during which time a person goes through all the stages of acceptance: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and so on. At all these stages, a person may have a desire to shift responsibility for what happened to a partner. Just then all sorts of accusations appear: "Everything happened because of her, she cheated on me", "She is a slob, it is impossible to live with her", "He is stupid, there is nothing to talk about with him, we have long run out of common themes "," He does not make money, "etc. This is called rationalization, that is, our brain is trying to explain what happened. This is a natural reaction, an attempt to remove responsibility from oneself.

To discuss a question value systems from the standpoint of ethics it is very difficult. For example, into my value system this behavior does not fit

As for ethics or its absence in this situation, the key point in the issue under discussion is, paradoxically, the phenomenon of love. If there is love and two people relate to each other with this very feeling, then in this case there are no former partners. I know couples who, almost immediately after the breakup, treat each other very warmly, despite the amount of nasty things they said at the time of separation. If you love a person, he literally becomes a part of you: of course, I can criticize parts of my body, but at the deepest level I realize that this is a part of me that I accept and love. From this angle, this is not a question about ethics, but about the presence or absence of love. I truly love all of my ex-women, no matter how they treat me. When the relationship ends, love continues, it just becomes different.

It is very difficult to discuss the issue of the system of values ​​from the standpoint of ethics. For example, such behavior does not fit into my value system: I cannot afford a public assessment of my beloved women, this contradicts my personal ideas about good and evil, good and bad. Such criticism is a manifestation of incredibly low self-esteem and the highest selfishness: it is difficult for a person to accept the fact that no one belongs to him, that he does not have power over the other, that the former partner may feel, think and act differently than he would like. This is most often the reason for criticism. This behavior suggests that a person is in trouble, he himself needs support, help and even pity, this is evidence of a very difficult personal situation.

Olga Fleur

expert of the school of etiquette Noblesse Oblige

In a stressful situation, you must first of all think about your reputation. Emotions will cool down, the former partner will completely disappear from your life and your thoughts, and the unflattering opinion and some sediment from others will remain. So is it worth spoiling future and existing relationships with intemperate comments about the past? Traits such as tact, politeness, and the ability to control your emotions are best demonstrated primarily by self-respect.

Daria Gracevich

screenwriter of the series "Treason"

Immediately after the breakup, few can refrain from negative comments about the former partner, especially if the breakup was painful. Personally, I do not see anything wrong with discussing this topic with close friends, crying and exaggerating a little. Negative emotions have to find a way out, it's hard to keep them in yourself. It is desirable, of course, in such cases to talk more about yourself, about your feelings, and not about your partner - for example, “I didn’t like that he ...”, “I would like him to behave differently,” and not “ here he is, such a brute. " However, such discussions should have a framework. They should not be long: if a person is cycling about watering his ex or ex at every corner, this is already a clinic. If negative emotions have found their way out, the door must be closed behind them. Sharing such feelings is only worthwhile with close friends who will not spread the glory of a former partner to the whole world.

illustration: Olya Volk