How to support a person if he is in shock. Supporting a man correctly is a woman's real skill

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Book by Letty Cottin Pogrebin "A test of illness - how to communicate, maintain relationships and help a loved one" was published by Livebooks with the support of the Happy World Charitable Foundation. The idea to write a book "about friendship and disease" came to the author in line to see an oncologist.

Need special words

Imagine that you happen to meet an old friend.
- Hello how are you?
- You know, I was diagnosed with cancer.

Which of us could adequately continue such a conversation? How to support and comfort a person, without falling into feigned vivacity, into lisping, without fencing off from a friend with a protective mask of kindness or indifference?

It’s easy to express sympathy at a dinner together, but when your friend or relative is sick, special words are needed to maintain the same warmth in the relationship. This book is about them.

In the waiting room of the oncologist

Despite the difficult topics that the author touches on, reading "The Test of Illness" is fascinating, it is both a reference book and an autobiographical story. The author Letty Cottin Pogrebin is a journalist and writer who describes the events that begin in 2009, on the day of her 70th birthday, and which she calls the best in her life.

Letty summed up her life, dreaming that tomorrow would be no worse than today. But a month later, a routine examination revealed that she had breast cancer.

It was necessary to endure the shock, reassure loved ones and make a decision about treatment. But Letty's life stopped and froze in the waiting room of the clinic, at the doctors' offices, in the queue of the same poor fellows.

However, accustomed to finding meaning in everything, Letty was not at a loss for long. And I didn't have to go far for a new meaning, it turned out to be enough to change the angle of view. And the reception room of the oncology center has turned from a torture chamber into a creative laboratory.

Disease - Unmarked Territory

You can't imagine a better place for the material, the writer can only dream of such a variety of characters, and everyone has plenty of time for conversations. Already on the approach to the topic, Letty suddenly realized: "Disease is an area not marked on the map!" And she began to draw up a map of the area.

There were many questions requiring clarification. Why is it easy to accept help from some people, but you want to avoid communicating with others? Is there a way for the patient to convey their desires to those around them, without fear of appearing ungrateful and rude himself?

It turned out that people's reactions to diseases (including the same disease) are no less diverse than the diseases themselves. Different models of behavior of the patients themselves, their relatives and friends became the subject of study for Letty. In her book, she decided to "devote equal time to negative and positive experiences."

Letty Cottin Pogrebin Photo from the site chicagotribune.com

Top nonsense

Letty devoted a separate chapter to the mistakes that occur when dealing with patients. We offer the most typical blunders that people make in relation to their sick loved ones.

Kathleen underwent hip replacement surgery. When a friend who visited her in the hospital called the operation "minor surgery," Kathleen offendedly replied, "Minor surgery is any operation that someone else has not undergone."

Marion's breast cancer was discovered eight years after her husband's death on September 11 in New York. Upon learning of Marion's illness, her friend frivolously “accused” the sick woman herself: “This is what bad karma means. Otherwise, why would you attract so many troubles? "

"It's good that you are already married" - "consoled" friend Aisha, who had just had a mastectomy.

Jennette Avery, a marathon runner and weightlifter with a stroke, often hears from friends: “I can't believe this happened to you! You did sports! " As a result, Jennette hated the past tense verbs: “Why say that? It just reminds me of who I was before. "

Patrick confessed to his brother that the metastases had already affected the lymph nodes. "What are lymph nodes?" - asked the brother. Patrick could not immediately explain, and his brother rebuked him: "Why didn't you study this question properly?"

How not to deceive or injure a sick loved one: seven rules

But we do not always hurt our loved ones, because we ourselves are cruel. Often - simply because we don't know what to say. Letty offers seven rules of conduct that will help us show genuine concern without hurting a friend.

1. Believe it or not, the most common line you usually start a conversation with is the question "How are you?" - can upset the sick person.

The question "How are you?" insidious, he requires an instant decision from a person how frankly he should answer. Therefore, you need to ask this question only when you are ready to hear the answer and not be afraid of the details.

What can replace this question? You can simply say, "I'm glad to see you." Or instead of "How are you feeling?" ask: "How do you feel?", but only if you are ready to hear the answer.

2. Do not say to a person who has an incurable or chronic disease: “Get well soon!” Because he will not get well. When communicating with such a patient, you need to understand that the main problem will not disappear, just as friends should not disappear.

3. Each patient needs his own amount of attention, someone needs to be led by the hand from office to office, and someone needs to call once a week. What is suitable for communicating with one patient may offend or offend another.

4. Avoid platitudes, empty consolations, such as "We are all in the same boat." “Yeah, only some of them had this boat leaking,” said a veteran who lost both legs in the war, and then fell ill with cancer.

5. Try not to interrupt the patient when he talks about himself. After all, he does not just share information like that (which may seem insignificant to you), he communicates this way, interacts. It is important for him to be listened to.

6. Do not interrupt the patient's story with remarks like: "My dog ​​also had a tumor removed." It's tactless and rude. It is wrong to compare different people, different situations.

7. Keep promises, or don't make them at all. Be there, listen, offer whatever help you can.

We do not favor information about sorrows and illnesses, only those who are "pinned" are looking for it, but here's the paradox: this information is sorely lacking. No wonder at the end of the book there is a list of charitable foundations for various occasions.

In Moscow, the book by Letty Kottin Pogrebin "The Test of Illness - How to Communicate, Maintain Relationships and Help a Loved One" can also be bought at Biblioglobus, where its presentation will take place on Saturday 22 November.

Unfortunately, life is not only about joys and pleasant moments. It so happens that it brings us bitter, sad events that often cause a state of shock when they happen unexpectedly. V in this case I'm talking about a sudden and serious illness of a loved one. When a loved one falls ill, the whole life changes. Habits, the usual way of life of the family are changing.

Of course, a great physical and psychological stress falls on all households. But most of all, of course, the sick person himself suffers. And at this moment it is very important to find and pronounce important and necessary words of support for a sick person. However, we often do not know what to say, how to behave, how to avoid uncomfortable situations and not worsen even more the experience of the patient and his family.

Most importantly, you need to understand that words of support, care and attention are very important. It does not depend on whether an adult or a child is sick. It doesn't matter if you are being treated at home or in a hospital. You should always try to show maximum participation.

What to say to the patient to cheer him up?

- The most important thing a patient needs is to feel that he remains for you the same dear, beloved, as before the illness. It is important for him to make it clear that the relationship has remained the same, that he has not become a heavy burden for you. Tell him that you love him and that you will take care of him until he recovers.

- To a person who is seriously ill, say words of love as often as possible, stay with him longer, talk, discuss news, consult, that is, behave as usual. Thus, you will show that the relationship has remained the same, that you still value his opinion.

- When you are caring for the patient, giving him words of support, come up with some simple entertainment or enjoyable activity. For example, you can watch a movie on TV together or read a book, leaf through a magazine.

- If a child is sick, you can come up with an embroidery pattern together or assemble a picture from a mosaic. The main thing is to do everything together or with your live participation. It is very helpful in maintaining a sick person. Read books, discuss what you read. Sometimes the words spoken by the invented hero, the sick child perceives in relation to himself. Therefore, try to select good books and fairy tales, where good always wins.

- If it is not your relative or close friend who is sick, but just an acquaintance, do not talk to him in cliches. Frequent expressions such as "Please accept my words of support", "I'm sorry", "I'm sorry" - won't do much good. Therefore, find more soulful words and expressions that will truly support you morally.

- For a loved one, there is one single phrase that will calm him down and give him hope. Here it is: "Be calm, I will never leave you and I will always be with you, no matter what happens." With these words, you make it clear to the person that he will not be left alone, he will know that you will always provide him with support. Usually, after such words, a person calms down, becomes more cheerful and even begins to recover faster.

How else to alleviate the patient's condition

- It is very important to create an atmosphere of comfort for a person. Especially if he is in hospital. Bring his favorite things, photographs, books, and some objects reminiscent of home from home to the ward. Place indoor flowers on the windowsill.

- If the disease is not infectious, the patient will be supported by a friendly atmosphere. Therefore, invite guests - friends or colleagues. Organize a friendly, warm communication with tea, cakes. This event is likely to please the sick person. But, of course, you need to take into account its nature. If he doesn't like socializing very much, think of something else. You need to understand that in each situation you need to find an individual solution.

Some helpful tips

Never make a secret that your loved one is sick. There is no need to hide it from relatives, friends. Remember that they may perceive this as distrust on your part and be offended. In addition, by this you deprive them of the opportunity to help the patient, to show their warmth, your best qualities.

Therefore, directly, frankly tell everything to people directly related to the sick person. They will appreciate your candor. In addition, this will help the patient not to give up, but on an equal basis with everyone to bear responsibility for their own health. This often plays an important role and contributes to the beginning of recovery.

Try to keep yourself in control, set yourself up positive. Of course, this does not mean that you need to smile and laugh all the time. Just be kind, considerate. Even a simple hug will make him feel better.

And one more thing: be tactful, do not concentrate only not on your own person. When you talk to someone who is sick or depressed, you don't need to tell him a funny story about how you had a lot of fun yesterday at your mutual friend's. How much did you drink and what did you do next. It is unlikely that it will be interesting to him now.

Or, for example, if a person has problems in his personal life or an unfavorable financial situation. In this case, it is not at all necessary to tell him about your new passion or buying a country house.
Remember that words of support, your sincere participation, your presence at a difficult moment, are very necessary for a sick person. They help him to recover faster and begin to recover sooner.

Svetlana, www.rasteniya-lecarstvennie.ru
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Condolences after the death of a loved one

The irreparable loss of loved ones causes severe suffering, which a person cannot cope with without outside help. In order to provide the necessary support in a timely manner, it is recommended that you familiarize yourself with the main phases of the emotional state in this situation:

• Shock. It can last from a few minutes to several weeks. The inability to perceive reality is accompanied by a lack of control over emotions. Attacks can be accompanied by violent manifestations of grief or complete inactivity with stone calm and detachment. The person does not eat anything, does not sleep, does not talk and hardly moves. At this moment, he needs psychological help. A reasonable decision would be to leave him alone, not to impose his care, not to try to force-feed, drink, strike up a conversation with him. You just need to be close, hug, take the hand. It is important to closely monitor the reaction. Do not start conversations on the topic: "if only they found out earlier, would have time, etc." It is no longer possible to return anything, so you should not provoke the emergence of feelings of guilt. There is no need to talk about the deceased in the present tense, remember his torment. It is not recommended to make plans for the future: "everything is ahead, you still have time, you still find it, life goes on ...". It would be much better to help with organizing the funeral, cleaning, cooking.
• Experience. This period ends after two months. At this time, the person is a little inhibited, poorly oriented, almost unable to concentrate, from every unnecessary word or gesture he can burst into tears. The feeling of a lump in the throat and sad memories prevent sleep, there is no appetite. Memories of the departed evoke feelings of guilt, idealization of the image of the deceased, or aggression towards him. During this period, you can support a person with kind words about the deceased. This behavior will confirm a positive attitude towards the departed person and will become the basis for a general experience about his death. Do not give examples of other people who have experienced even greater grief. This will be perceived as tactless and disrespectful. Walking, simple activity, a simple release of emotions in the form of joint tears will be very effective. If a person wants to be alone, do not disturb him. In this case, you need to constantly be in touch, call or write messages.
• Awareness. This phase tends to end one year after the loss. A person may still suffer, but he is already aware of the irreversibility of the situation. He gradually enters his usual routine, it becomes possible to concentrate on work moments or everyday problems. Attacks of unbearable mental pain are visited less and less. During this period, he almost returned to normal life, but the bitterness of loss is still present. Therefore, it is necessary to unobtrusively introduce him to new types of activity and recreation. This should be done as tactfully as possible. You should control your words and treat with understanding possible deviations from his usual behavior.
• Recovery. The person fully recovers after a year and a half after the loss. Acute pain is replaced by quiet sadness. Memories are not always accompanied by tears, it becomes possible to control emotions. A person tries to take care of loved ones, now living people, but he still needs the help of a true friend.

If the described phases are delayed or do not come to replace, it is necessary to urgently seek help from specialists. This condition is dangerous and fraught with serious illness.

All people sometimes have a discouragement. For some, this is due to problems or overexertion at work, while for others it is due to a misunderstanding in the family or with loved ones. A person who is depressed brings suffering not only to himself, but also to those close to him. This condition is equally common in both women and men. Many people do not know that sometimes a simple conversation with a certain inclination helps to cheer up a loved one and bring him out of depression. To do this, you just need to know some phrases.

What phrases can be said to a depressed person, and which are not allowed

« Other people have more serious problems, but they are not discouraged, and do their best to solve them.". The depressed person perceives such words as a reproach. Looks like he or she is making up problems for himself and is deliberately sick. Phrases that others are even worse, but they cope - it's like a dagger in the heart. Such words are categorically impossible to say to a person suffering from a mental illness. To cheer up a loved one, it is better to sympathize with him and offer your help.

« I perfectly understand how you feel, I also sometimes have depressive states". This is another common mistake. Depression is often thought of as depression. This is not entirely true. Depression is a rather serious mental disorder, which often has a long chronic course, causing mental suffering to a person. Therefore, you need to feel sorry for a person, say how strong he is, that he is trying to get rid of such a serious illness.

« Forget all the bad things, life goes on". For a person who is depressed, such words can lead to thoughts of suicide, since it seems to him that he is superfluous in this world. On the contrary, he needs to be reminded that his life is full of good - living and healthy parents, a loving wife or husband, children, favorite work, friends. For this, a person must live and fight depression. It is also necessary to offer help in this matter.

« You are an egoist for whom only your disease exists". These words are often spoken to your loved ones to cheer them up. This is fundamentally wrong. At this time, a person already blames himself for all sins, therefore he takes any other reproaches very seriously and this can lead to bad consequences.

« Life isn't always fair, you have to deal with it". For an ordinary person, such a phrase does not mean anything special, but for a depressed person it is an additional negative. To really help him, you need to ask directly what you can do for him.

Some people want to forget about their problems with alcoholic beverages. But they will only help at the beginning. When alcohol stops working, the person will become even worse.

In a state of depression, a person does not want to do anything, or where to go. And you don't have to offer it. To truly support a loved one, you need to surround him with your attention.

What can be done?

The first step is to offer your help, so that the person really understands that they want to help him, and that someone needs him. You need to be sincere and not shy about showing your emotions.

A person in depression should be asked whether he has been to a doctor, what treatment he was prescribed, whether he is being treated according to this scheme. If at least one of these questions is answered in the negative, it is necessary to strongly advise your loved one to see a doctor and regularly take medications, if they are prescribed. During a conversation with a person, you do not need to be distracted by anything. You can talk on the phone or with other people later. Also, when talking, you need to look the person in the eye.

He needs to be allowed to cry. When he lets his emotions out, he will immediately feel a little better. Your loved one should be told that you will always support him, at any time and in any situation.

The person calms down when touched. It will not be superfluous to hug him. In addition, you can help him clean the house or prepare food, as people suffering from depression find it difficult to do such seemingly simple things.

A small successful gift will surely cheer up a person and make him smile. And it doesn't have to be expensive. Sometimes it’s enough to just bake his favorite biscuits or cook his favorite dish.

It will not be superfluous to invite a friend or girlfriend to go somewhere. For example, in a movie or a restaurant. This will help you forget about the negative a little.

In addition, you can go to some interesting place. Travel will help you distract yourself and forget about problems. When choosing a vacation spot, you need to focus on the priorities of a person in this direction.

We all know how hard it is to be in a situation where you need to comfort someone, but the right words are not found.

Fortunately, more often than not, people don't expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, with the help of such phrases: "I know that it is very difficult for you now", "I am sorry that it is so difficult for you." So you will make it clear that you really see what it is like for a loved one now.

2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.

But be careful, do not draw all the attention to yourself, do not try to prove that it was even worse for you. Briefly mention that you have also found yourself in a similar situation before, and ask in more detail about the state of the person you are comforting.

3. Help a loved one understand the problem

Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, at first he just needs to speak out. This is especially true for women.

So wait to suggest solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting to sort out their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by telling others about them. Answering your questions, the interlocutor himself can find some solutions, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and just feel relieved.

Here are some phrases and questions you can use in this case:

• Tell me what happened.
• Tell me what's bothering you.
• What led to this?
• Help me understand how you feel.
• What scares you the most?

At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word "why", they are too similar to condemnation and will only anger the interlocutor.

4. Do not minimize the suffering of the interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh.

When we are faced with the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what we ourselves feel is a trifle can often upset others. Therefore, do not minimize the other person's suffering.

What if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any data that disagrees with his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important here to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, without this it may seem too aggressive.

5. Offer physical support if appropriate

Sometimes people do not want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.

Your actions should correspond to the usual behavior with this or that person. If you are not too close, placing your hand on your shoulder or hugging slightly will be enough. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.

Remember not to be too zealous when comforting: your partner may take this for flirting and be offended.

6. Suggest ways to solve the problem

If the person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your concerns, the other person will feel relieved.

Ask if you can do something else. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often it does, offer to go to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.

If your advice is needed, ask first if the other person has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is himself in a disputable situation. If the person you are comforting is vague about what can be done in their situation, help develop specific steps. If he doesn't know what to do at all, suggest your options.

If the person is sad not because of any particular event, but because of his, immediately move on to discussing specific actions that can help. Or suggest doing something like going for a walk together. Excessive reflections will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.

7. Promise to continue supporting

At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention again that you understand how hard it is for a loved one now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.

Kind words of support to a sick person in prose, quotes uttered by you will only have a positive effect on a loved one.

The essential attitude of good healing is faith in the best. If the prognosis of the development of the disease is doubtful, focus on encouraging signs, life-affirming words, contribute to the improvement of the patient's condition.

"The strength of the spirit makes a person invincible." Vasily Alexandrovich Sukhomlinsky

“You will recover and everything will be fine, the main thing is not to be nervous and not to cry. Stress and depression greatly reduce immunity, which cannot be allowed now, the body is generally capable of self-healing, the main thing is not to put a spoke in its wheels. Despite the difficulties and circumstances, just Believe in yourself - in your strength! I understand that it is easy to say, but difficult to do, But try. We are all with you, and together we will make every effort to improve your health situation. "

“Now you have a difficult period, you are tense, tired, all this affects your health. Get more rest and gain strength, follow all the doctor's prescriptions and think less about the bad. You are the nicest and kindest with us, everything will be over soon. "

“Don't be too nervous, hold on! All diseases are from the nerves. Your health will certainly recover. Remember that I always support you mentally, and look forward to improving your health. "

“Our dear little man! They say that if you strive with all your heart for something, then it undoubtedly comes true. You will definitely be cured! Now medicine is progressing very much. We are your family, together with the doctors, we will try to do our best to restore your health. "

“Believe in your recovery, because good mood and optimism can play an important role. Everything will be fine! It simply cannot be otherwise! "

“The main thing is to think about the good, believe in recovery, do not succumb to the disease, fight! It's difficult but you have to hold on! We love you and believe that together we will definitely overcome the disease. "

“Such a bright and positive person like you will simply be all right! Try to follow all the advice of doctors, think only about the good, dear, because thoughts materialize! "

“Try not to succumb to sadness and despair, anger at the disease, because only a positive mood and a strong spirit will drive away your illness. If you need my help, just let me know, I will rush in in no time. "

“Let it be bad now, but then everything will be fine. Everything will change and the pain will recede. God will give the strength to endure everything, do not lose hope, hold on. You need to go through, wait, and then everything will work out. We believe in you and we will pray for your recovery.»

Quotes and sayings about illness and recovery

As soon as a person gets sick, he needs to look in his heart for someone to forgive. We must sincerely forgive everyone without exception, especially ourselves. Even if we don't know how to forgive, we need to want it strongly. Our every thought literally creates our future. (quotes by Louise Hay)

Dear you, all your illnesses are caused by not your tininess: from warmth, from tasty food, from peace. Do not be afraid of the cold, it mobilizes, as it is now fashionable to say, the protection of the body. Cold throws a health hormone into the body. Let everyone think about what is more important to him - business or small joys. There must be a victory for everything. A person must live in victory; if you don’t get it, you’re worth a penny on a market day ... Why be treated when you can and should not let the disease into the body! Porfiry Korneevich Ivanov

Do not be sad! Recipes for happiness and a cure for sadness

“You cannot help the cause of grief, and if you are in trouble, the best thing you can do is try to adapt to the circumstances. I knew a man who had his left arm amputated from the very shoulder due to illness. He did not fall into despair and did not lament about this, but showed patience and decided for himself that he needed to live on despite this ordeal. He got married, he had children, he was a master at driving with one hand and did his job diligently and diligently, without complaining about anything. He lived as if the Most High and created him with one hand " Hades al-Karni.

“Avoid those who try to undermine your faith in yourself. This trait is characteristic of "small" people. A great person, on the contrary, inspires you with the feeling that you can become great. " Mark Twain

Disease is a cross, but maybe a support. It would be ideal to take strength from her and reject weakness. Let her become a haven that gives strength at the right time. And if you have to pay with suffering and renunciation - we will pay. Camus A.

The hope of getting well is half the recovery. Voltaire

Just as one cannot start treating the eye without thinking about the head, or treating the head without thinking about the whole organism, just as one cannot treat the body without treating the soul. Socrates

If the egg is broken by force from the outside, life ends. If an egg is broken by force from the inside, life begins. All great things always start from within.

Life sometimes hits us, this, of course, is very unpleasant, but the day will come when you will understand that you are not a victim, but a fighter, that you will cope with all your troubles. Brooke Davis

Truly strong is the one who conquered himself. Victory over oneself is a victory in which there are no defeated ones, because the force that commanded you against your will becomes a conquered force.

Mix your sorrows with the sorrows of the whole world, and your sorrows will be less. Yakov Abramovich Kozlovsky

Your determination not to give up will keep you from breaking down even when everything is crumbling.

Everything is in our hands, so they can not be omitted. Coco Chanel

When running water meets an obstacle on its way, it stops, increases its volume and strength, and then overflows through the obstacle. Follow the example of water: stop and increase your strength until the obstacle no longer interferes with you in your path. I Ching

Nothing is impossible, everything that can be imagined is possible!

Not a single desire is given to a person apart from the power that allows him to fulfill him. Richard Bach.

You cannot change the situation, change your attitude towards it.

It doesn't matter that you walk slowly ... the main thing is don't stop.

Topic of the section: words of approval of support for a sick person in prose, quotes, sayings for men and women. And remember, the hormones of happiness (endorphins) are formed in the brain when a person is happy and laughing. Thus, they strengthen the immune system, improve the properties and composition of the blood, change the endocrine status of the body, relieve stress, and help recovery!
"The only doctor who thinks that everything is all right with you works at the military registration and enlistment office."

And which ones are not worth it? the site will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.

Grief is a person's response to a loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.

4 stages of grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

• Shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that happens, insensitivity, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite, sleep problems.
• The phase of suffering. Lasts 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory, sleep. Also, a person experiences constant anxiety, a desire to retire, lethargy. Stomach pain and a lumpy sensation in the throat may occur. If a person is experiencing the death of a loved one, then during this period he can idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, feel anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
• Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. It is characterized by the restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan your activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks are less and less frequent.
• Recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief gives way to sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.

Do I need to comfort a person? Undoubtedly yes. If the victim is not assisted, it can lead to infectious diseases, heart disease, alcoholism, accidents, depression. Psychological help is invaluable, so support your loved one as best you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person is not listening to you or not paying attention, do not worry. The time will come, and he will remember you with gratitude.

Should you comfort strangers? If you feel you have enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If the person does not push you away, does not run away, does not shout, then you are doing everything right. If you are not sure if you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.

Is there a difference in comforting people you know and people you don't know? In fact, no. The only difference is that you know one person more, the other less. We repeat once again, if you feel the strength in yourself, then help. Stay close, talk, involve in common activities. Do not be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

So, let's look at the methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of grief.

Shock phase

Your behavior:

• Don't leave the person alone with you.
• Gently touch the victim. You can take it by the hand, put your hand on your shoulder, you can pat your loved ones on the head, hug. Monitor the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch, does he not repel? If repulsive - do not intrude, but do not leave.
• Make sure that the person being comforted rests more, does not forget about meals.
• Keep the victim busy with simple activities, such as organizing a funeral.
• Listen actively. A person can say strange things, repeat themselves, lose the thread of the narrative, and now and then return to emotional experiences. Refuse advice and guidance. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand it. Help the victim just talk about their experiences and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

• Talk about the past in the past.
• If you know the deceased, tell us something good about him.

You can't say:

• "You can't recover from such a loss", "Only time heals", "You are strong, be strong." These phrases can inflict additional suffering on a person and increase their loneliness.
• "Everything is God's will" (helps only deeply believing people), "Exhausted", "He will be better there", "Forget about it." Such phrases can greatly injure the victim, since they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
• "You are young, beautiful, you will still get married / give birth to a child." These phrases can be annoying. A person is experiencing a loss in the present; he has not yet recovered from it. And he is offered to dream.
• “Now, if the ambulance arrived on time,” “Now, if the doctors paid more attention to it,” “Now, if I wouldn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only increase the bitterness of loss.

Suffering phase

Your behavior:

• In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
• Give the victim plenty of water. He should drink up to 2 liters a day.
• Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, do physical chores around the house.
• If the victim wants to cry, do not interfere with it. Help him cry. Don't hold back your emotions - cry with him.
• If he shows anger, do not interfere.

Your words:

How to comfort a person: the right words

• If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation into the area of ​​feelings: "You are very sad / lonely", "You are very confused", "You cannot describe your feelings." Tell us how you feel.
• Say that this suffering will not last forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
• Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. A tactful avoidance of these topics hurts more than the mention of the tragedy.

You can't say:

• "Stop crying, pull yourself together", "Stop suffering, everything is over" - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
• "And someone is worse off than you." Such topics can help in a situation of divorce, separation, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare the grief of one person with the grief of another. Comparative conversations can give the person the impression that you don't give a damn about their feelings.

It makes no sense to tell the victim: "If you need help - contact / call me" or ask him "How can I help you?" The grieving person may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.

To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little, take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema with him. Sometimes this should be done by force. Don't be afraid to sound intrusive. Time will pass, and he will appreciate your help.

How to support a person if you are far away?

Call him. If he doesn't answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write sms or e-mail. Express condolences, communicate your feelings, share memories that characterize the departed from the brightest sides.

Remember that helping a person get through grief is necessary, especially if this is a person close to you. Moreover, it will help not only him to survive the loss. If the loss touched you, helping another, you yourself will be able to survive the grief more easily, with less losses for your own mental state. And it will also save you from feeling guilty - you will not reproach yourself for what you could help, but did not, brushing off other people's troubles and problems.