After goodbye. Men's mistakes after breaking up. What not to do after the funeral

11.05.2022

Fear of the unknown is a natural reaction that makes even the most notorious atheist, albeit to a minimal extent, believe and adhere to certain rules of behavior in the process, before and after the funeral.

In order to help the soul of the deceased easily leave the material world, one must not only know the recommendations, but also understand their deep meaning. Not everyone knows how to behave correctly if such a grief happened in the family. Therefore, we have compiled a detailed article describing the rules of what you can and cannot do.

In Orthodoxy, commemoration after death is held 3 times. On the third day after death, on the ninth, fortieth. The essence of the ritual is a memorial meal. Relatives, acquaintances gather at a common table. They remember the deceased, his good deeds, stories from life.

— On the 3rd day after death (on the same day the funeral is also held), everyone who wants to honor the memory of the deceased gathers. The Christian is first taken to the burial rite in the church or chapel of the cemetery. The unbaptized dead, after parting with the house, are immediately taken to the cemetery. Then everyone returns to the house for the wake. The family of the deceased does not sit at this memorial table.

- In the first seven days after the death of a person, do not take anything out of the house.

— On the 9th day after death, relatives go to the temple, order a memorial service, lay a second memorial table at home, only close relatives are called to honor the memory of the deceased. The commemoration is reminiscent of a family dinner, with the difference that the photo of the deceased is not far from the refectory table. Next to the picture of the deceased put a glass of water or vodka, a slice of bread.

— On the 40th day after the death of a person, a third memorial table is arranged, everyone is invited. On this day, those who could not attend the funeral usually come to the wake. In the church I order Sorokoust - forty liturgies.

- From the day of the funeral until the 40th day, remembering the name of the deceased, we must pronounce the verbal charm formula for ourselves and all the living. At the same time, the same words are a symbolic wish for the deceased: "Earth rest in peace", thereby expressing wishes for his soul to be in paradise.

- After the 40th day and over the next three years, we will say a different wish formula: "Kingdom of heaven to him". Thus, we wish the deceased an afterlife in paradise. These words should be addressed to any deceased, regardless of the circumstances of his life and death. Guided by the biblical commandment "Judge not, lest you be judged".

- During the year following the death of a person, none of the family members has the moral right to take part in any festive celebration.

- None of the family members of the deceased (including the second degree of kinship) could marry or marry during the period of mourning.

- If a relative of the 1st or 2nd degree of kinship has died in the family and a year has not yet passed after his death, then such a family does not have the right to paint eggs red for Easter (they must be white or some other color - blue, black , green) and, accordingly, take part in the celebrations of Easter night.

- After the death of her husband, the wife is forbidden for a year to wash anything on the day of the week on which the trouble happened.

- For a year after death, everything in the house where the deceased lived remains in a state of rest or permanence: repairs cannot be made, furniture rearranged, nothing is given away or sold from the things of the deceased until the soul of the deceased reaches eternal rest.

- Exactly one year after death, the family of the deceased celebrates a memorial meal (“please”) - the 4th, final memorial family and birth table. It must be remembered that the living cannot be congratulated on their birthday in advance, and the final memorial table should be arranged either exactly one year later, or 1-3 days earlier.

On this day, you need to go to the temple and order a memorial service for the deceased, go to the cemetery - visit the grave.

As soon as the last memorial meal is over, the family is again included in the traditional scheme of festive regulations of the folk calendar, becomes a full member of the community, has the right to take part in any tribal celebrations, including weddings.

- A monument on the grave can only be erected after a year after the death of a person. Moreover, it is necessary to remember the golden rule of folk culture: "Do not graze the land with pasture Pakravou and Radaunshchy." This means that if the year of the deceased fell at the end of October, i.e. after the Intercession (and for the entire subsequent period up to Radunitsa), then the monument can only be erected in the spring, after Radunitsa.

- After the installation of the monument, the cross (usually wooden) is placed next to the grave for another year, and then thrown away. It can also be buried under a flower garden or under a gravestone.

- You can marry (get married) after the death of one of the spouses only after a year. If a woman married a second time, then the new husband became the full owner-owner only after seven years.

- If the spouses were married, then after the death of the husband, his wife took his ring, and if she no longer remarried, then both wedding rings were placed in her coffin.

- If the husband buried his wife, then her wedding ring remained with him, and after his death, both rings were placed in his coffin, so that when they met in the Kingdom of Heaven, they would say: “I brought our rings with which the Lord God crowned us.

For three years, the birthday of the deceased and the day of his death are celebrated. After this period, only the day of death and all annual church holidays of commemoration of ancestors are celebrated.

Not all of us know how to pray, much less know how to pray for the dead. Learn a few prayers that may help you find peace in your soul after an irreparable loss.

Cemetery visit throughout the year

During the first year and all subsequent years, you can go to the cemetery only on Saturdays (except for 9, 40 days after death and church holidays of honoring ancestors, such as Radunitsa or Autumn Grandfathers). These are the days of commemoration of the dead recognized by the church. Try to convince your relatives that you should not constantly come to the grave to the deceased, thereby harming their health.
Visit the cemetery before 12 noon.
Whichever way you come to the cemetery, come back the same way.

Meatfare Saturday is the Saturday in the ninth week before Easter.
Ecumenical Parental Saturday - Saturday in the second week of Great Lent.
Ecumenical Parental Saturday - Saturday in the third week of Great Lent.
Ecumenical Parental Saturday - Saturday in the fourth week of Great Lent.
Radunitsa - Tuesday in the second week after Easter.
Trinity Saturday is the Saturday in the seventh week after Easter.
Dmitrievskaya Saturday - Saturday in the third week after.

How to dress for the anniversary of death?

Clothing for the anniversary of death is of no small importance. If a trip to the cemetery is planned before the memorial dinner, weather conditions should be taken into account. To visit the church, women need to prepare a headdress (shawl).

For all funeral events, dress strictly. Shorts, deep neckline, bows and ruffles will look indecent. Bright, colorful colors are best avoided. Business, office suits, closed shoes, strict dresses in muted colors are an appropriate choice for a mourning date.

Is it possible to make repairs after the funeral?

According to signs that are not related to Orthodoxy, repairs in the house where the deceased lived cannot be done within 40 days. You can not make any changes to the interior. In addition, all belongings of the deceased must be thrown away after 40 days. And on the bed on which a person died, his blood relatives should not sleep at all. From an ethical point of view, the repair will only refresh the state of the mourners of the loss of people. It will help to get rid of things reminiscent of a person. Although many, in memory of a departed loved one, seek to keep for themselves some of what belongs to him. According to signs, this is again not worth doing. Therefore, repair will be a good solution in all cases.

Can I clean up after the funeral?

While the dead in the house you can not clean and take out the trash. It is believed that the rest of the family members will die. When the deceased was taken out of the house, it is necessary to thoroughly wash the floor. It is forbidden for blood relatives to do this. The Orthodox Church also denies this point and considers it superstition.

The first crematorium will appear in Crimea. It is planned to be built on the territory of a Muslim cemetery, not far from the village of Krasnaya Zorka near Simferopol. Local residents complain to journalists that they do not want to breathe in the ashes and are protesting against the construction of this facility next to residential buildings. Earlier, the implementation of this project was abandoned in Yalta.

According to the registry of Crimean investment projects, the construction of the cremation block will be carried out by the Crimean National Memorial Company. Its CEO insists that the crematorium will not harm either human health or the environment:

“Cremation in the world today is recognized as the most environmentally friendly way to bury a person. Therefore, we will have a whole range of activities related to the environment. First, it is environmentally friendly equipment. Secondly, we are currently negotiating with foreign partners on the use of environmentally friendly coffins. But one of the main tasks that we set for ourselves is precisely the issue of environmental safety.”

An environmentalist from Sochi, a member of the board of the Environmental Watch for the North Caucasus, proposes to consider the problem of building a crematorium in a comprehensive manner.

Many people categorically oppose cremation on religious grounds. These opinions should also be taken into account.

- To assess the possible damage to the environment, you need to know what technology will be used in the crematorium. There are several known in the world. In addition, there are resort areas where the construction of waste processing plants and crematoria is prohibited. In Sochi, this is also a problem. There were discussions, but non-public, informal, and opinions were divided. The problem of the crematorium is not only ecological, but also social, and somewhere even political. It applies to all faiths that live in this territory. Many people categorically oppose cremation on religious grounds. These opinions must also be taken into account.

Priest of the Kharkiv-Poltava diocese of the Ukrainian Autocephalous Orthodox Church Yakov Krotov notes that in Christianity there are no prohibitions on cremation.

Burial in the ground or cremation is not the most important

Yakov Krotov

– There were many ways of burial in the Orthodox tradition. One Kyiv metropolitan in the 14th century bequeathed to throw his body into a swamp to be eaten by dogs. God is omnipotent and is not bound by material circumstances. Those who burned down during the capture of Kyiv in the 13th century or in the ovens of Auschwitz will still rise: God will gather them, supplement them. So burial in the ground or cremation is not the most important thing, from the point of view of an Orthodox person. It is preferable, of course, to bury in the ground, but this is still a pre-Christian tradition. There is an opportunity - well, if not - let it be different. Russia is now dominated by a conservative variety of Orthodoxy, which is afraid of everything and does not know its history well. I would like to be cremated and my ashes scattered to the wind over the Sea of Galilee. I really like how in the West the ashes are placed in pots with plants.

Yakov Krotov points out that the relics of Prince Vladimir perished in a fire during the capture of Kyiv, which does not prevent the Orthodox from venerating him as a saint and equal to the apostles.

The loss of a relative or loved one is an unthinkable tragedy that provokes a deep apathy for life, an emotional and even physical stupor. Nevertheless, the mourners continue to live in society, therefore they are obliged to observe traditions, church canons, as well as generally accepted rules of conduct after seeing off the deceased on their last journey.

A clear understanding of what can and cannot be done after the funeral will allow you to demonstrate sincere respect for the deceased, as well as avoid all sorts of gossip, rumors and gossip.

How to behave after a funeral

Since death is probably the most mysterious event in a person's life, the funeral of a relative causes us confusion and fear of the unknown. That is why most people try to unquestioningly observe specific norms of behavior before, during and after the burial of a loved one.

There are several reasons for this:

Belief in the afterlife, as well as the desire to provide the soul of the deceased with peace and comfort after death.
The desire to protect oneself and relatives from the unfavorable energy that reigns in the house after the funeral.
Fear of gossip arising from non-observance of pseudo-religious customs that are rooted in the social community.

According to Orthodoxy, many traditions that people honor after the burial of relatives are considered superstitions. For example, hanging mirror surfaces after the death of a person in order to protect his soul from irretrievably falling into the looking glass has nothing to do with the teachings of Jesus Christ. Nevertheless, there are rules of etiquette, the observance of which will help to show respect for the deceased, and also will not allow publicly or secretly to desecrate his memory. Knowledge and understanding of historical traditions, as well as church canons, is the key to proper behavior after the funeral.

What to do the day after the funeral

Traditionally, on the morning of the next day after the burial, the relatives of the deceased bring him a symbolic breakfast, and passers-by are given cakes and sweets. Naturally, there is nothing wrong with this, but you should not perform this procedure all the time, once is enough. Leaving the soul of the deceased in peace, we allow it to freely free itself from the shackles of our sinful world.

According to the church charter, the dead must be commemorated on the 3rd, 9th and 40th day after the burial, and there is no need to carry food to the grave.

Remember, the soul does not need food, but sincere, frank prayers. At the same time, you need to pray at ease and from a pure heart, you don’t need to force yourself. How to behave the next day after the funeral and beyond, the local priest will definitely tell you.

What to do 9 days after the funeral

It is not customary to invite guests to the memorial meal on the ninth day after the death of a relative. Friends, colleagues and relatives of the deceased can come to the wake of their own free will. The funeral dinner must begin with a prayer. The main dish is kutya. According to Orthodoxy, alcohol, foul language, laughter, fun and funny songs are unacceptable. Leftover food should be distributed to those in need.

For 9 days after death, a prayer service should be ordered in the church. Remember, it is impossible to arrange a wake at the burial site. It is highly undesirable to eat and drink alcohol in the cemetery. Pouring vodka over a grave mound is considered blasphemy and a manifestation of disrespect for the memory of the deceased. With regard to wardrobe, makeup and behavior, mourning and modesty should be observed. For women, hair should be tied back under a headscarf, while men should be dressed in formal business attire.

What to do 40 days after the funeral

On the fortieth day after death, the relatives of the deceased go to church, order a memorial service and magpie. Fervent prayers will help the soul to be forever freed from the fetters of the material world and ascend to the Heavenly Father. It is forbidden to arrange a wake in a cemetery, at a liturgy or memorial service. Snacks and drinking alcohol on the grave mound are unacceptable. There are many traditions regarding the 40 days after the funeral. They have come down to us since pagan times, so the church does not always welcome them. Nevertheless, it is necessary and even useful to know folk signs.

Within forty days after the death of a relative, special attention should not be paid to appearance, because in this way we demonstrate the priority of personal needs over grief for the deceased. Naturally, this does not mean that the mourners should neglect the rules of personal hygiene, because in this case it will be extremely unpleasant and even disgusting to communicate with them.

When setting the table for a memorial dinner, it is forbidden to use sharp cutlery. Spoons should be placed upside down.

Traditional dishes: rice or millet kutya and pancakes without filling. They help to spiritually rethink the frailty of life. Salads, cabbage rolls, pies with fillings, fish dishes and all kinds of side dishes are also present at the memorial meal. If the commemoration takes place in fasting, meat dishes are prohibited. Traditionally, for 40 days after death, it is also customary to prepare the favorite dishes of the deceased person.

The crumbs that remained on the table after the funeral meal should not be swept away and thrown away. As a rule, they are carefully collected and then taken to the cemetery. So relatives inform the deceased that the commemoration of his death took place, they respect him and let him go. A visit to the cemetery for 40 days after burial is an obligatory sacred ritual, therefore it requires appropriate physical and spiritual preparation.

As soon as the guests have dispersed in the house, all windows and doors should be tightly closed. It is not worth it to be very hurt and cry about the last farewell to the soul of the deceased, because grief keeps it in a sinful world and does not allow it to ascend to God. It is best to pray in front of the icons of saints, near which candles are burning. Some people leave a glass of vodka covered with bread on the nightstand, table or near the grave mound. This tradition has nothing to do with the canons of the Orthodox Church.

What to do with the things of the deceased after the funeral

According to Orthodoxy, the belongings of the deceased must be distributed within forty days to poor or needy people who, due to objective circumstances, cannot purchase decent clothes for themselves. Passing the wardrobe items of the deceased to another person, the latter is asked to pray for the repose of the soul of the deceased. The Bible does not limit the period of parting with the things of the deceased, so they can be transferred to the poor when relatives are morally ready for this step.

Finding people who need clothes is easy. To do this, you can contact a ritual agency, a shelter at a church, or a charitable foundation. Do not throw away the clothes of the deceased in the trash. If before death a person was very ill, then wardrobe items should be burned, but not thrown away. The transfer of the things of the deceased to needy people will allow him to complete his good deeds on earth, and the poor will help to survive in a false life situation.

What not to do after the funeral

A huge number of signs, recommendations and rules regarding the behavior of relatives after the death of a loved one sometimes cause them confusion, because it is very problematic to observe all the traditions. Naturally, it is not at all necessary to obey superstitions, but in order not to be in an awkward situation, it is necessary to know them.

Dense fabric, which after the death of a person covered all the mirrors, is not removed for 40 days.
It is best to postpone a wedding or other solemn event to a later date.
Any entertainment events, loud music, as well as carnal pleasures within 40 days after the funeral are unacceptable.
Immediately after the burial, the relatives of the deceased cannot clean the yard and wash the floors in the house.
If a relative wants to wear the clothes of the deceased, then it should first be sprinkled with holy water in the church.
In the first 7 days after the death of a loved one, it is forbidden to take any things out of the house.
For a year after the death of her husband, a wife is forbidden to wash clothes on the day of the week when the tragedy happened.
During the first year after the death of a loved one, family members should not paint eggs red for Easter.

There are other both objective and subjective norms of behavior after the funeral of a relative. In order to avoid a stalemate and all sorts of gossip, after the death of a loved one, it is best to consult with a responsible clergyman about behavior.

Eka is unseen, you say, everyone knows how to say goodbye. He waved his hand, said "bye" - and that's all business. But not everything is so simple. You won’t say “chao cocoa”, for example, to an English tutor? And you are unlikely to say to your girlfriend “Farewell, dear Galina!”.

We often do not even think about what words we say when parting, but they mean so much! And what is the facial expression at the same time, in what position are we? It is worth paying attention to all this in order to pass for a polite young lady. Also, when you say hello, and when you say goodbye, do not forget to call the person's name: "Bye, Nikita", "Goodbye, Vera Pavlovna." When you say the words of farewell, do not turn away immediately: take a step or two back, facing the interlocutor, and only then turn away. In the East, by the way, when parting, they leave the room moving backwards so as not to turn their backs on the person and thereby offend him. At the same time, they smile, bow and repeat polite words.

How to say goodbye to people?

They say that you can leave the guests in the English manner, that is, not noticeably and without saying a word of farewell. But still, all over the world it is considered indecent and immediately arouses suspicion. By the way, everywhere except the UK, this is called “leave in English”, and the British themselves call this rule “leave in French”. Therefore, it is better not to resort to this method. As a last resort, if you leave the guests, where there were a lot of people, you can only say goodbye to the hosts, by the way, you first need to say goodbye, and then get dressed, and not vice versa.

Farewell (those) (literally "forgive") - greeting when parting for a long time or forever.
Happy (happy stay, happy journey) - words of farewell, which wish happiness.
Goodbye, goodbye (see you soon), see you tomorrow - these words express hope for a future pleasant communication.
Kisses, see you, see you, bye, chao-cacao, bonjour, all the best, hi! - for sure, you yourself will be able to supplement this list with words that are customary in your company to pronounce when parting.

The words you say when you say goodbye are usually accompanied by gestures:

You can wave the pen when parting with children or loved ones. They also usually wave when they have already dispersed a decent distance.
You can make an air kiss only with close people in an informal setting, and not when leaving the director's office.
Shaking hands is an option for business relations, and they always add: “it was nice to meet you”, “until the next meeting” and the like.
You can kiss on the cheek your mother, grandmother, girlfriend, “on the lips” - it’s better not to, from the outside it looks unaesthetic, a friend - if only you have a close relationship.

When you say goodbye, be sure to look the person in the face. Muttering under your breath, turning away, turning your back, shouting from afar is indecent.