Why you should never have just one child. Yes, I only have one child, I don't want another - and here's why Alone doesn't mean lonely

Friends, all to us! come on don't be shy! PARENTS AND TEACHERS

Oh, there were five of us in the family - I was mistaken!

There were four of us in the Family, we had a wonderful childhood, a large, friendly family. Now I have 4 children, they don’t bother me, I don’t bother them, and the older ones play with the younger ones all the time, they already got tired of carrying them, on the contrary, I tell the elders - leave them alone))

I have enough of a good example of a husband who has nothing to remember from childhood except his younger brothers .. The only reason to snatch away from home to play with friends is to go pasture a cow.

I was alone in the family. Bliss.

Super! Guide to management... 😂

The woman in the video with priorities has some kind of major jamb ...

Yes, you can give a bunch of examples off topic. I only talk about this wonderful phenomenon in this particular conversation. I admit that having many children had such prerequisites as the lack of contraceptives, the need for labor in the future, high mortality and disadvantages in the form of undermined mother's health, possible hunger, etc.
But. The conversation is about the relationship of children in such a family. About their responsibility for each other, attention, development of personal qualities, etc. and so on

Did you give birth and score? I have 4 years, I still have them, because taking care of the younger ones is not the responsibility of older children 🤗 On their own initiative, with pleasure, but this is rare, what is the interest of a 7-year-old to play with an anniversary for longer than 3 minutes? So the propaganda of having many children is good, but it must be clarified that this is all for 15 minutes for the whole day😂 And the rest of the time, like with 1, only 2-3 times in parallel😂

That's it! I also think that mutual assistance is obligatory 👍 This is what makes small children good responsible and caring parents in the future. This is the family.

Well, you are exaggerating😊 there are also three of us. It was a wonderful childhood! Then they showed to that video that everyone is busy with each other, everyone plays together, everyone is interested! And there is! If, of course, you are 15 and your brother was born, then you consider it like a second mother, and even then how to relate to this. And if the difference is small, then it is "" in general "" as in the video😉

And in Russia there was dreaming, but now for some reason this is not considered normal)))

Naveerno. What a prank about "every child has a childhood, as if he were the 1st in the world." This happens only in a family with 1 child, and this also has disadvantages. Always in Russia, all children grew up in large families and among peasants and boyars, and had responsibility, according to age, duties. This is socialization. And this, by the way, is called a family. Instead of raising egoists with an "ideal childhood", one in a family or three, not bonded to each other in any way, except for nominal brotherhood by blood and games at will.

Everyone in the family must help each other. It instills good qualities.

You need to give birth for yourself, and not for older children. Parents are responsible for children, not brothers. When they want, they will grow up and give birth you can because mom said until you put your little brother to bed you won’t go anywhere.

Yes, stop it yourself from a large family and the eldest, they didn’t take anything, on the contrary, time passed by and had a very fun childhood, in the afternoon we walked with our brothers and with our friends (many also had brothers and sisters) we saved them to the river and just for a walk and play - small ones among themselves and everyone looked, responsible bvli, not like now - I don’t have to do it ... but in the evening small ones go home and go on walking themselves, at the same time they helped their parents with business and didn’t fart, both in the garden and on home ... childhood was super

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You have an only child, and you do not aim at the second. You are happy and do not have a soul in him, but a vague feeling of guilt still scratches. How to deal with yourself and even more so with the pressure of others - says mom, writer and blogger.

I have one child, a daughter. And some people obviously think it's terrible. I am often told: “She must have a brother or sister someday.” Or so immediately directly: “Are you going to give birth to a second one?”.

Every time I struggle with the urge to be rude in return, at such moments I think: isn't one child in itself a miracle? Is an only child something shameful?

So you have one child. Then get ready to listen to sermons on the topic: "Only children are so selfish and spoiled, they feel lonely all their lives and, as adults, they cannot forgive this to their parents." Apparently, being the only child in the family is almost like being a leper - life is full of negativity.

To be honest, it's all very annoying. I will try to explain in detail why. For a long time, I felt terrible, realizing that my girl would be the only child in the family. After two failed pregnancies that ended due to uncontrollable vomiting (I had hyperemesis - severe vomiting that can lead to termination of pregnancy), I realized that this was my only chance.

In addition, after the divorce, I realized that further childbirth can put an end to it. I'm under forty. And it's kind of hard to imagine that I will suddenly meet someone absolutely amazing who will take care of me if I have hyperemesis again. Yes, and I somehow doubt my ability to quickly jump out of marriage and risk going through it again. That's why I eventually resigned myself to the fact that for the rest of my life we ​​will have a show of two girls - me and my daughter.

Don't think it was easy for me. My family was large. I was the youngest of four sisters. If you try to describe my childhood in a few words, then I would choose: noisy, fun, chaotic and warm. The silence in the house was perceived as something abnormal. So at first the idea of ​​raising one child seemed strange to me to say the least.

My childhood was spent in unrestrained fun. What will my daughter's childhood be like without teasing? Would her life be complete without her sister friend? All these questions were running through my head. But then, driving away sad thoughts, I thought that it was not so bad to live alone with my daughter. Instead of feeling guilty, I accepted and appreciated the relationship with my only child. Here are six reasons why I don't feel bad about having only one child.

Money

Even before my husband and I separated, money was tight. Now that I am a single mother, the situation has become even worse. When I was a child, my family experienced financial difficulties for some time, and I remember this stress very well. Now I am comforted by the thought that with an only child I have many more opportunities, and he will not be deprived. If the daughter wants to go somewhere, for example, to a museum or to a concert, then I can take her or arrange with her father to do it. If I had two of them - both time and money would be much less. We may never go to Disneyland, and yet for one child I can give everything I can. This does not mean that it is imperative to decide on a second one in the case when there are enough funds. But, as the late Michael Jackson sang in his song "Wanna Be Startin" Somethin "": If you can" t feed your baby, then don "t have a baby (If you can't feed your baby, then don't have a baby).

Time

Now I am working. I used to be a mom who spends most of my time at home, but now I'm at work 40 hours a week or more. There is not enough time. I feel guilty when I spend little time with my daughter. But it was even more difficult to divide this time between two children.

Attention

As a child, I always stuck to my older sisters, who were nine, seven and six years older than me, and they did not know how to get rid of me. They had their own interests and heart-to-heart conversations, and I often interfered with them. Because of the difference in age, I felt superfluous and forgotten and hated this feeling.

Well, then it is obvious that with a large number of brothers and sisters, personal conflicts are inevitable.

There are only two of us with my daughter, and I do not get distracted by helping other children do things. All my attention belongs to her, which is great. It was difficult for my parents to give me enough time until the sisters went to university and left home. I like that I have time to get to know my daughter better as a person, and I can devote time to her hobbies, which I could not do equally with more children.

Brothers and sisters are not always close

When talking about brothers and sisters, everyone means something unshakable. However, they forget that not all siblings get along with each other. Of course, they play an important role in the life of a child, but a brother or sister does not mean instant love. They may clash or simply not communicate. I have not had contact with one of my sisters for more than three months, despite attempts on my part. On the other hand, I correspond, which is already good. I communicate with the third one quite often, but we sometimes quarrel, and for some time we don’t talk. It's been like this all our lives, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Having a sibling does not guarantee your child a best friend for life. Of course, we all hope so, but the reality is that this is not always the case.

My career

Yes, I said it. I am passionate about my writing career. I also like my day job. With one child, I can devote more time to my hobbies and not feel guilty about the fact that I deprive him. I love being a mother, but I also enjoy being myself, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. What I do brings me a lot of joy. In turn, my child sees a strong, happy and motivated woman who believes in herself and succeeds.

My health

I had three pregnancies, but only one child. It is easy to guess that I was not a healthy pregnant woman, although it was easy for me to get pregnant. Now I am healthy and feel great. I'm not sure I want to go through suffering and loss again. Who can blame me?

Alone doesn't mean lonely

I fully support those who want many children, only one child or none at all. Each of these options has its advantages, but I'm not talking about that now. I just want others to stop feeling sorry for my "lonely" daughter. She has the love of two parents.

And one more thing: after so many difficult pregnancies, I am grateful for my healthy only child. Being her mother is a blessing for me, and although it is also a difficult job, it has brought me more joy than I could have imagined.

Nowadays, you will not surprise anyone with the presence of only one child. Everyone understands that in addition to responsibility in upbringing, the financial security of the child falls on the parents - the opportunity not only to feed and clothe, but also to educate, develop, give a prosperous future. This is what is often the reason for the refusal to have subsequent children.

I also often hear things like this:

“All love to him alone. There will be two - they will quarrel, compete. And one always knows that the whole world is for him!”

There is logic in this. But right there, threats will pour down from experienced, large and “older” comrades. Like, the only child is selfish! Unfit for life! Can't get along! Parents sit on their necks all their lives! Etc. Please add if you heard anything else.

I was the only child in the family. And I immediately want to “twist my face” at such words and send it away. What stereotypes!

The most interesting thing is that psychologists also told us about the “wrongness” of educating only one (Soviet and several years of the post-Soviet periods). Modern science has gone further. She learned to distinguish between the concepts of "selfishness" and "healthy self-esteem", "being weak" and "being able to ask for help", "the ability to speak succinctly" and "isolation".

Fears about raising one child are nothing more than myths. However, they can also be confirmed if the parents themselves contribute to this.

• Grow up selfish. Perhaps the most common version of horror stories. “He doesn’t know how to share, he only thinks about himself, about his own benefit, the“ navel of the earth ”, which no one loves.” Unwillingness to share is the norm, both for an only child and for any other .

Why blame him? To be a monopolist of some particularly important thing means to show everyone its value. You will not share your husband with your sister or girlfriend, will you?

Thinks only of himself - this may be the case if the parents themselves instilled in him the feeling that HIS desires are more valuable, for example, parental ones. They fulfill any whims, are guided by the child's behavior, cannot say "no". In families where they are taught to understand the feelings and desires of other people, there are no such problems. Especially if mom and dad show how it is by their example.

• Be lazy and helpless. When all tasks, assignments and obligations are performed for the child. Hyper-custody and hyper-care does not allow the baby to become independent. It really is. The best thing parents can do is to believe that the child will succeed and not interfere.

Any child in the family (usually the younger ones) who is denied the right to have a personal territory and do as he considers himself can become dependent.

• Can't communicate with peers. The real myth! It is due to the fact that the child does not have equally small brothers and sisters, which means that his communication is limited by his parents.

This is possible only in one extreme - when the child spends all his time at home. Those children who walk on the streets, go to gardens, developing clubs, sports clubs, etc. have no problems with sociability. On the contrary, “hungry” for friendship, children acquire comrades sooner and more easily than their peers with brothers/sisters.

• Pulls the burden of being "perfect". There is such a thing. Parents pay attention to one child, and try to make him an "exemplary" person.

They do a lot of work with him, support his talents, and have high hopes. It's hard to say if this is good or bad. After all, many cope, and become, indeed, successful people. However, there are those who cannot get rid of perfectionism, strive for high performance, no matter what, and "punish" themselves if they do not achieve what they want.

• "Lone wolf". Yes, this is a person who is comfortable with himself. But this does not mean that he will never start a family or leave a friend in trouble.

Only children easily endure loneliness, they know how to entertain themselves. Some admit that it is talking with oneself that helps to find peace. They recover and easily overcome difficulties.

These are the most common opinions about raising only children. It is also worth mentioning significant advantages:

1. They are not jealous. In their childhood, there are no situations where they would have to see how mom or dad "choose" a brother / sister to pick up / regret / kiss.
2. They have a high level of self-esteem.
3. It is easy to ask for help from others.
4. Strive to become leaders.
5. Responsible (rely only on themselves).

Already at an older age, I learned that I SHOULD BE a careless egoist. Until that moment, I didn’t even know the term. And you know, I began to behave accordingly. They think I am! Why disappoint people? Mom, of course, quickly put my "brains" in place:) It was not the situation to think only about yourself. When school psychologists gave me a characterization, it was very disappointing. The inner self resisted. But now I am grateful to them. Because I became interested in psychology, as a kind of "offender" who needs to prove the opposite. This is where I learned about the patterns and forms given to people without going deep into their situation. This motivated me to explore relationships further.

Do not think that children who grew up without sisters and brothers have exceptional advantages, and this is a panacea for raising successful people. Of course not. There are lazy, and dependent, and "sissy", and unbalanced, and other people. Like any other children born . A lot depends on the atmosphere in which the child grew up, on the attitude of parents to him and to each other, as well as on those impressions, emotions and experiences that happened to him in childhood.

Every baby is unique. No need to give up and succumb to stereotypes, they say, "ahh, since you were one child, then everything is clear." It's unclear! Look at the person as a whole, and not at individual pieces of his life!

"When for the second one?"

The first time we heard this question was when our son was a year old. And not from relatives, no. It was asked to me by a pediatrician at the clinic where Tima and I go. Then followed a speech about a child who should not grow up to be an egoist.

It was the first "swallow". With varying degrees of obsession and different intonations - from indignant to surprised - I have been asked it for four years. Sometimes it seems: once again, and someone will not be very good.

Photo by Andrea Mackey Photography/Moment/GettyImages

I am not alone in my emotions.

“My son is already 19, and they still tell me that it’s time to give birth to the second one,” complains 39-year-old Anna. - I'm already preparing to become a grandmother. And some, it turns out, sleep and see me as a young mother. No one thinks about the fact that I am no longer 18 and that I, perhaps, physically can no longer give birth. When I try to say about my age, they retort me: well, Kudryavtseva gave birth.

How convenient it is: from the side to offer people replenishment of the family. And what? There is housing, there is money, what else is needed for happiness.

Without disputing the fact that children are an unconditional happiness, and admiring mothers of many children, who are now, fortunately, more and more, we decided to understand why such questions often hurt very much, and to formulate these not the most obvious, but very reasonable reasons: why the family decided to limit itself (albeit temporarily) to one child.

1. Don't wait for help

Olga and Kirill have no close relatives in Moscow. He is from Vladivostok, she is from the Stavropol Territory. Grandmothers see their little grandson two or three times a year: there is neither time nor money to travel more often. But when they arrive, the parents have a holiday - they can go somewhere together. And remember that they also have their own interests.

“If one of the grandmothers moved here, I would not hesitate to give birth to a second child,” says Olga. - I understand that for some this may not be an argument, but we really lack someone's help. Wherever we go, Artemka is with us - shopping, cafes, visiting. But sometimes you want to be tete-a-tete. Or the situation: the husband is on a business trip, the child is ill. It’s even banal not to go to the pharmacy or to the store. I’m waiting for Artem to go to kindergarten, maybe it will become a little easier. But for now, I’m not ready to give birth to a second child in such a situation.”

Photo by Westend61/Getty Images

2. Body versus

“I spent five out of nine months in hospitals,” Svetlana recalls. - Yulechka was given to me very hard: the hematologist's office was my home. The delivery was delayed, in total I gave birth for a day and a half. After such a year, I didn’t even want to let my husband in: I just twitched.

Now relations in the family seem to have improved, and the husband invites his wife to think about replenishment. Sveta is afraid to experience this again. But he doesn't really want to talk about it. And he voices this version aloud:

“If the second pregnancy is just as difficult, then Yulechka will not see me at all for several months. And when I'm at home, I won't even be able to take my daughter in my arms. I think that it is still too small for such a “test”.

3. A child is not heartbreak glue.

“When my husband and I quarrel, many people tell us, they say, you need to give birth to a second,” Svetlana continues. - I immediately recall the story of my sister, who decided as a child to “glue together” a falling apart family. Now she is alone with two children.

Sveta admits that she is not sure that her marriage has a long and happy future. The husband turned out to be not at all as caring dad as she imagined him. And a woman on maternity leave is the most defenseless creature on the planet. So Sveta is not yet ready to trust her man again.

Photo by izusek/E+/Getty Images

4. Live for yourself

The son of Yura and Tatyana is already fourteen.

“And all these fourteen years, all the relatives have been waiting: “Well, when?” - the spouses laugh. - Never. One child is enough for us. Maybe it was necessary to give birth to a second when Sanka was small. Somehow it didn't work out. And now this is a small man with whom you can communicate on an equal footing. We have just begun to live not for him, but with him. There is no great desire to go through baby diapers from scratch. We now have just enough money to live with sufficient comfort. I also don’t want to draw in, lose part of the income, infringe on the elder either. ”

Well, also an opinion. And also has the right to exist.

5. Special children

Inga admits that she envies women who, having given birth to a not entirely healthy child, decide to go this way again. Inga has only one daughter. The girl was born with cerebral palsy. Inge really wants a son, but the fear that the second child will also be sick is stronger than desire.

Tatyana lost her twins a week before giving birth. An intrauterine infection claimed the lives of unborn babies in just a few hours. To decide on another attempt, the woman took five years, work with a psychologist and the active support of loved ones.

In this century, many people do not consider the creation of a family to be really important for themselves. After all, there are many other important and interesting things that you can devote your life to: building a career, learning foreign languages, traveling around the world, and so on. It would seem that people who successfully realize themselves in another area do not need children at all. After all, kids require a lot of time, which parents are not at all ready to devote to them - they are too busy. Therefore, getting married is one thing, but having children is quite another. Children constantly demand care and love, which means that because of them, you will have to give up all your other dreams and desires. If the family does not take the first place in the priorities of a person, he will allow himself to have only one child and will not constantly think only about how to make the little man happy. The child, most likely, will not be the most desirable and will appear simply because it is supposed to. However, this is not the only reason why parents want only one baby. Sometimes people just don't understand how it is possible to love someone else other than their first child. Parents want their child to have everything, he never had to share and learn to live in society. They just love their son or daughter so much that they are willing to devote their lives to him or her completely without sharing their emotional attachment with anyone else. And this is not good either.

It does not matter for what reason you decided to have a child: just for the sake of order or because of a sincere desire to become a parent and love for children. The important thing is that having only one baby is not the best idea.

Socialization

If several children grow up in a family, it is easier for them to socialize, because the process in this case goes on every second, and not only when the child is in kindergarten, school or on the playground. The child constantly learns to share, resolve conflicts and seek compromises, he understands that he is not the only person who deserves attention. Children who have siblings have better communication skills than the only kids in the family. In addition, a child from a large family quickly learns to communicate with people, because he always has a good example in the form of brothers and sisters. Even if children in this situation grow up in almost complete isolation from their peers and other people, they still improve their communication skills. They know what hierarchy is, they know how to respect elders, they understand when it is worth standing up for themselves and how best to do it. The only child in the family, even if his parents do not limit his communication with other people, as a rule, is still socialized more difficult and slower than those for whom this process occurs almost continuously.

selfishness

The only child in the family almost always grows up as an egoist, especially if his parents love him, and did not start “just to be”. All the most delicious in the house always goes to him, he does not need to share toys with anyone, all attention is always paid to him. A small person does not even have a clue that he can be the center of the universe only for his closest relatives, but not for every person on earth. Therefore, growing up, such people become real egoists. Of course, this has its advantages, however, communicating with such a person is a real torment. He does not understand the word “no”, constantly insists on being right, demands a lot from people and is never ready to give anything in return. It is incomprehensible to an egoist why another person refuses to go on his legal day off to help him with repairs, even if he perfectly understands that he himself will never sacrifice his own interests for the sake of the desires of others. Any character traits originate in childhood, which means that the “egoist” was also brought up. In families with many children, cases of selfishness are practically a rarity, because the whole life there is built on mutual assistance, sharing of rights and duties. This means that the understanding that he is not the only one in the universe and not the navel of the earth is absorbed by the baby practically with mother's milk.

Loneliness

Another unpleasant companion of the only children in the family is loneliness. Parents and grandparents cannot be around all the time, and if they are, they are still not the best playmates and world explorers. Most parents are simply unable to understand their children, their interests and motives. All adults want is for their child to sit still and not get in the way. At this very time, the baby wants to run, jump, splash out the energy seething in him, ask a lot of questions and, of course, play a lot. And I would like to do it alone least of all, but adults are too busy with their lives to devote time to such “nonsense”. Of course, there are other children, but it is not always possible to meet them outside the kindergarten and school, especially if the parents are too protective of their beloved “child”. Therefore, a child, if he is the only one in the family, periodically, or even constantly, suffers from loneliness. At best, for a boy or girl, pets can replace the lack of communication with people, but still, this is not at all the same. Any people constantly need to communicate, and if there is no one nearby with whom the child could share experiences and explore the world, he grows up with a bunch of complexes and a constant feeling of emptiness inside, which cannot be filled in any way.

Psychologists say that the life of the only children in the family is much more difficult than those who have always had brothers or sisters nearby. Yes, you have to constantly share everything with them, but in return, kids get much more: socialization skills and support in difficult times. Only children most often grow up with a bunch of complexes, problems in communication and with a feeling of loneliness that gnaws at them because of this. Therefore, if you still decide that you need children, you should not give birth to only one baby. Take care of yourself and your family, post comments with your opinion, share your experience, if any. You can share the article on social networks by clicking on the appropriate buttons and